- a continuing celebration of -

Fifty Years of Pratchett

© 2023 Duleigh Lawrence-Townshend. All rights reserved. The author asserts the right to be identified as the author of this story for all portions not previously copyrighted by Terry Pratchett. This story or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner without the express written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a review or commentary. If you see this story on any website other than Literotica.com, it has been copied without the author's permission.

This is a work of love, a fan fiction. Many of these characters are the creation of Sir Terry Pratchett, as is the multiverse in which they live. Many of these creatures and characters are mine but some belong to the master. If you would like to find out which of these characters is or is not a creation of Terry, please contact this author. This tale was not written to steal the fame that Sir Terry rightfully earned, but to enjoy one more romp in the shadow of Cori Celesti and remind the world of what we lost on March 12, 2015.

No, you are not missing anything, Enchantress 5 is also called Happy Hogswatch!

"One day I'll be dead and THEN you'll all be sorry."

- Terry Pratchett, 28 Nov 1992 on alt.fan.pratchett

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ENCHANTRESS 6

The Reluctant King

{With parenthetical annotations}

Hollie Worblehat-Stein wanted to be a witch. Ever since they visited Agness Dempsy's cottage, she decided that Witchcraft was the career path of choice for her. It didn't matter that Hollie was six when she first visited "Aunt Agness" she was sure that a witch was what she wanted to be. Agness was a true witch - black cat, starched collar on her black dress, cauldron out back ready to simmer up concoctions in huge proportions, travels by broom. Agness was a witch's witch. Agness didn't concern herself with worldly affairs like kings or queens and the affairs of state, she was more in tune with herbs and cats and phases of the moon, but she was good to little Hollie. Hollie even helped Agness and her dad, Nick, purge the Duchy of a sweeping case of Gorchov's Toe that suddenly infected half of the sheep in the valley and was spreading.

In return for the "help" that Hollie gave Agness and her dad, Agness presented Hollie with something that all witches start with - a kitten, at the age of eight, Hollie was on her way to earning a broom. As Hollie and her dad slowly plodded back home after treating the last affected sheep in the valley, Holly sat on the driver's seat of the buckboard wagon next to her father as she inspected the Worblehat-Stein's newest kitten. "I think I'm going to name him after my grandpa," said Hollie.

"Your grandfather?" Nick asked, trying to keep the anxiety out of his voice. Hollie's paternal grandfather Ivo Stein was a wife beater, a rapist, a drunk, a gambler and as far as Nick knew he was knifed to death in the Mended Drum after being caught cheating at cards. Hollie's maternal grandfather Josif Aldana was a good man but through no fault of his own, died a Klatchian slave.

"Yeah, I'm going to name him Trei!"

"Good choice," said Nick, breathing a sigh of relief. Trei Metsker was a semi-retired village blacksmith and a friend of Nicks. Trei's several daughters had big families, so Trei was grandpa to quite a few children, and acted as Grandfather to all five of Nick and Octavia's children.

"I want to be a proper witch," said Hollie, "no guards, no brothers and sisters, just me and Trei in a cottage and I'm going to fly on a broom, not ride a bumpy wagon."

"Well, the wagon is just for emergencies that need a lot of medicine and tools, and you're going to have to talk to the King about the guards," said Nick. Along with being the official witch for Tallywiffle county and surrounding area, Nick is also the Duke of Wægn, and he is the kings most trusted advisor and the king demands an armed guard to protect Nick whenever he leaves his farm, which is quite often. Right now, Nick was traveling home from a farm on the turnwise end of the valley. He was escorted by one guard who split off as they neared the Creel Springs Watch House and rejoined the watch while Nick and Hollie with their buckboard wagon full of notions, potions, and tools of the veterinary trade headed up the mile long road to home.

Their farm started out a simple witch's cottage and grew as Nick's family and his skill as a witch grew. When a witch helps birth a child it's customary to pay the witch, but living in a farm community Nick has always been paid in livestock. It's handy to have a farm in that case, then you can watch your dividends multiply. His first "paycheck" was a pair of rabbits whose progeny still populate the hutch and occasionally appear in a meat pie. Octavia lined his gloves with their pelt so he's still in touch with them. Everyone in the family is kept warm during the winter with rabbit fur hats and gloves.

As they reached the halfway point a horse galloped up to them, it was Nick's oldest son, ten-year-old Marlon and a pair of arms around his waist told Nick that Annette, Marlons girlfriend and shadow was riding with Marlon. "Hurry up dad!" Marlon gasped out of breath, "Mom says if you don't get home soon, she's going to start without you."

"Ok," said Nick and he slapped the reins on the backs of the mules, "Kaleb, Teddi, Ha!" The mules woke from their walking slumber and picked up the pace. Another slap of the reins and they were almost trotting, which was a pretty good pace for a pair of plow mules heading uphill. Hollie was bouncing on the seat, this was the part of Witchcraft that was the most exciting part for her, and she wished she had a broom, she'd be there by now!

Nick eased the wagon to a halt in front of the cottage and hopped off, then as Marlon and Annette stepped up to him, he reached up and helped the giggling little blond down from the horse and said, "Can you put the mules and wagon away for me?" She nodded causing her fine white gold blond locks to wave in the sunlight. "Make that boyfriend of yours help. Come on Hollie!" and he headed into the cottage.

For a man with the responsibilities that Nick commands, he's quite short, five foot three, with black hair and a neatly trimmed beard that shows a scar running down the right side of his face, and he wears an eyepatch on his left eye, the scar and lost eye due to being caught in a stampede shortly after meeting the woman of his dreams, Octavia, who waited for him at the cottage door.

Octavia was taller than Nick, she had long, flowing black hair that never needed combing, she had large round breasts, and she normally had a slim waist but today she's over nine months pregnant, which on the discworld is overdue. Eight months and three weeks is average because the months are all 32 days long and each month has 4 weeks with eight days in each. {The first day of the week is Sunday followed by Octday then Monday. Octday is not a day of rest, it's a Monday. Two Mondays a week make office workers on the Discworld the most disgruntled workers in the multiverse.}

"Wouldn't you know that the last one is the pokey one," Octavia said with a grimace as Nick came and gave her a kiss.

"How far apart are the contractions?" he asked.

Instead of answering, Octavia turned and looked in the cottage, in there sat Jutta and Catrin, Octavia and Nick's mothers. Catrin sat with little Exavier on her lap, year and a half old Exavier held Nick's pocket watch. "Two minutes," said Catrin.

"Ok, we need hot water, towels and sheets, said Nick as he wrestled off his boots and rolled up his sleeves. Next to him, Hollie tried to do the same without putting down Trei. Nick came up behind Octavia and took his wife of over a decade into his arms.

"We need a name," said Octavia as their kiss ended.

"One will come, I'm sure," said Nick, but the lack of a name concerned Octavia. "The traditional Lancre way to name children is to name them at midnight that way they can start a new day with a new name."

"I am not going to call my last baby 'Hey you' until midnight."

"Last baby?" asked Nick. "Are you giving up on sex?"

"No, I'm giving up being pregnant." Octavia has always known that she will have six children. She doesn't know why, but she's always known that. A sudden contraction doubled her over in pain and when she could straighten up again, she gasped, "That was a good one."

Nick led Octavia to the couch that Marlon was born on, it's only fitting to have their last baby on the couch that their first was born on. "Ok, let's get comfortable," said Nick as he covered the 700-year-old couch with a "bedwetters" sheet and began laying out pillows for her to recline on.

Just then the twins came racing into the cottage, Lou and Loo-Loo, identical fraternal twins. Identical in every way, until bath time. Both had shoulder length black hair and were barefoot wearing identical shirt and shorts. Right now, the three-year-olds were covered in hay and straw which told Nick that they were playing in the barn. "You two need to clean up, we can't have any dusty, dirty little kids running around the new baby," scolded Nick. "Get cleaned up so you can meet your new brother or sister."

"Awww," they moaned, but they trooped upstairs with Octavia's mother Jutta following along. Lou and Loo-Loo or specifically Llywellyn and Llywella were identical, both were breathtakingly cute, both had a vocabulary that far outstrips that of other three-year-olds, because they have two grandmothers that will read to them 24/8 if allowed and they don't care what is read to them, as long as they can follow the words along in the books. Nick and Octavia have no idea what they're going to do with those two. They were hoping to set up one room for the boys and one room for the girls, but the twins cry all night if they're kept apart, and it was getting worse.

Nick checked Octavia's cervix and she was dilating nicely, "It won't be long now young lady," he smiled at her.

"You mean 'old girl' don't you?"

"No, you'll always be that young student on the roof of the Somnambulist Hall writing 'Mrs. Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Stein,' and 'Mrs. Octavia Stein' on the cover of her notebook."

"I thought you couldn't read back then," gasped Octavia.

"I couldn't, but you still have those notebooks, including the one with the fluttering hearts that pop into strawberry scented smoke."

"I re-emer oo!" said the family gargoyle from high up on her perch on the chimney. Gula had five of her babies clustered around her, waiting for their mother's egg on the mantle to hatch. Gula was there with Nick and Octavia on that day and followed them on their adventures until they reached this farm and she took up residence on the chimney of the fireplace. She had laid an egg every time Octavia became pregnant and had as many baby gargoyles as Octavia had baby people.

"I'm surprised you remember; it was so long ago."

Nick gave her a smile and waved his hands around like he did on that day over a decade ago and said the ancient words of power "Nihil Est Brachium Meum!" {Nothing Up My Sleeve} then opened his hands with fingers wide... and nothing happened.

"You still can't get it right," she said with a laugh, but whatever she was going to say next was interrupted by the twins.

"Butter fries! Daddy made butter fries!" They tore down the stairs and started hopping about behind Nick trying to catch the butterflies that appeared behind their father.

"It wasn't the magic at fault," he said as he snatched a perfect white rosebud out of thin air and handed it to her, "it was my aim."

As Jutta tried to dress the naked twins, Marlon and Annette watched Nick and Octavia kiss from the doorway. "They always get mushy when talking about the old days," said Marlon.

"My mom and dad get pretty mushy too," said Annette, "especially when they talk about going hunting." Her parents Preston and Annabelle Prescott go hunting a lot on Bear Mountain and always come back with rabbits and a deer, and both look happy, peaceful, and satisfied. Some people like hunting more than others, but nobody likes hunting as much as a werewolf.

"What's mushy?" asked Remy as he appeared at Marlon's side. Remy is a young wolf that Nick saved from freezing after Gaspode died. Remy is a grandpup or maybe great grandpup of Nick's best friend Gaspode, the dog that like him, absorbed magical radiation while growing up near the Unseen University. In Gaspode's case he developed the ability to talk. Conversation is the only trace of Gaspode in Remy, that and a calloused outlook on life.

Octavia's labor wasn't long on this one, just a couple of hours until she groaned, "Big one!" Octavia gasped as the contraction hit. Jutta appeared at her daughter's side and whispered encouragement as she mopped Octavia's brow.

"Doing good, the baby is almost here," said Nick. The baby was crowning, it was almost over.

"Gotta rest," panted a sweating Octavia.

"Ok, just rest, next one is the last one darling," said Nick, and Octavia rested, panting and sweating. As she rested, Nick noticed some blood where he didn't ever want to see blood. He started to clean her up but there was more blood.

"This... Is... It..." grunted Octavia and she began to push again, now the baby emerged black hair like the entire family was apparent.

That's when Hollie started shouting, "You get out!" But she wasn't talking to the baby, she was shouting at the specter of Death who hung over Nick's shoulder observing everything that was happening. "Go away!" the eight year old shrieked.

Nick's mom Catrin must have seen it too because she gasped and made the sign of the Evil Ear which was supposed to ward off evil spells.

"No!" demanded Nick, "You promised!" Then he noticed that the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck... "Oh no, not again," Nick said nervously. A decade ago, as a young male witch, Nick delivered twins and the second one had the cord wrapped around her throat and wasn't breathing. He saved that baby; he's going to save this one. "Not again." As soon as the baby was free, he got the cord from around her neck and with a few pinches the baby screamed. "Gwendolyn! Your name is Gwendolyn Carina!" he said as he remembered his first choked baby. "I beat you!" he said to Death.

"I AM NOT HERE FOR HER," said the anthropomorphic personification of death. That's when Nick saw the pool of blood between his wife's legs.

"Marlon!" cried Nick as hysteria began to set in. "Light the candle! Light the candle!"

"Which one?"

"ALL OF THEM!"

"Blood?" asked Annette. She was a wolfling, half werewolf, and she could smell the scent of blood. The scent overwhelmed her senses, genetic memories of hunting prey in the moonlight raced through her mind... but this was the duchess! Marlon's mom! She saw the growing pool of blood between Octavia's legs and ran screaming. Meanwhile, with shaking hands Marlon lit four conical purple candles next to his father's rocking chair.

As flame burst to life on the candles Marlon was lighting, miles away in four other cottages a twin candle burst into flame letting the witch know that Nick needed help. He's never called for help before so this came as a shock to the other witches. The last time Nick called for other witches to help, they arrived at the castle to find the king and his entire court injured, insane, or dead. Four witches blew their candles out and dashed out the door with their broom. Nick isn't the most senior of witches, he's not a rank amateur either, but he is the duke and all witches know his fate...

"BLOOD!" Annette shrieked as she ran into the Watch house.

"What do you mean Annie?" asked the desk sergeant Sven Svenson.

Annette dodged around the sergeant's desk and raced upstairs screaming in terror and dashed into her parents' office. "Marlon's mom had her baby and there's blood everywhere!" she cried. "I smelled death!" and she broke into huge heart-breaking sobs.

"It's ok," said her father Captain Preston Prescott, commander of the Duchy of Wægn Highway Watch. "Nick is a damn fine witch, she'll be ok."

"Watch her," said her mom Lieutenant Annabelle Prescott, Chief Detective. "I'll go check," and she stepped out of their office. Moments later a wolf jumped over Sven's shoulder and shot outside leaving the dog door flapping in its wake.

"Be careful out there, Lieutenant!" called Sven without looking up from his paperwork. A moment later Annette raced out of the house following her mom, then Captain Prescott came down the stairs.

"Do we have a medic on call?" asked Preston Prescott.

"Yes sir," answered Sven.

"Send him up to the duke's cottage."

"Yes sir."

"Make it code 1."

"Yes sir." A few minutes later a medically trained Watch constable with a backpack full of medical equipment rocketed out of the Watch stables on a fast white stallion. He raced up the hill at a fast gallop and arrived at the duke's cottage in time to see four witches on broomstick gently touch down on the cottage porch. The duke's neighbor Eryri, a dwarf, began to usher the children and grandmothers out of the cottage. The witches and medic raced inside to find Nick, nearly in tears, trying to staunch the flow of blood and his eight-year-old daughter yelling at what appeared to the policeman to be a coat rack.

The witches shuddered, they saw death quite often, and it was never good. "Duke, sir, please step outside," said Agness Dempsey, the most senior of the witches. "Let us help her, please."

"I'm a witch too!" cried Nick.

"You're too close," said Matilda Potts. "Please take Hollie and Gwendoline outside to wait, please."

"I can't, no. She's my life, I shall stay here, I'll be quiet."

"Who are these people?" whispered an exhausted Octavia. She reached out for Nick, and they held hands gently. Nick knelt next to Octavia with his back to the witches and only acknowledged their presence if they asked him directly to do something like ease her into a full reclining position.

"They're helping," said Nick. "You have a little bleeding that concerned me, so they're helping."

They were doing something there but from the muffled talk of the witches and the medic, Nick couldn't really figure out what they were doing. Occasionally he would glance back but Death was still standing there occasionally commenting on the witches' work and offering advice. Death during childbirth was a common occurrence in the Ramtop mountains, but not in the ten years that Nick worked as a witch in Tallywiffle county was a woman lost in childbirth. In fact, Octavia is the closest and Nick was damned if she would be his first...

Finally, Death stepped to where Nick could see it and it said softly, "YOU HAVE WON AGAIN YOUR GRACE. I DO NOT MIND LOSING TO YOU, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, THE NEXT TIME WE MEET WILL BE OUR LAST MEETING."

"I understand," said Nick softly as Death faded away.

"Understand what honey?"

Nick kissed the back of her hand and said, "Death was just being spooky like he always does." Suddenly Hollie crashed into Nick, shaking and crying, Hollie is a brave little girl, her brother constantly teases her as do the farm hands, so Nick was surprised to see her so scared. "What's wrong little one?"

"I saw... I saw... I saw a big scary guy that was all bones, and he was staring at mommy!" she shrieked between tears.

Nick and Octavia looked at each other, their girl saw death, which means she's a magical being herself. Nick sat on the floor in front of Octavia and pulled Hollie into his lap and held her as the tears flowed. "I was so scared he was going to take mommy away!" she shrieked as Nick held her close, stroking her unruly hair as he did when she was a baby. No shushing could settle the youngsters tears until she cried herself out.

Finally, as she settled down, Nick began to explain, "That guy was Death, he comes to end the pain of people who are dying. Remember Gaspode and how sick an in pain he was?" Hollie nodded so Nick continued, "I actually was happy to see Death, because no dog or person should hurt that much. He came and took Gaspode for a nice walk."

"But mommy..."

"Yes, we almost lost mommy, but we're witches, our job is to keep the healthy people healthy, so Death must look somewhere else. And when our patient is very old it's our job to make it easy for them when Death comes. You saw him, that means you really are a witch, but that means we must work on your magic and your medical skills."

"I don't like him... where is my baby?" groaned Octavia.

"I think our daughter-in-law has her," said Nick. Outside one of the responding witches, Matilda Potts, washed and checked the tiny girl, then showed Annette and curious big brother one-year-old Exavier how to swaddle the scared baby, then handed it to Annette.

"You're most likely next," said Matilda with a cackling laugh.

This caused Jutta to say, "Leave the poor thing alone," but Annette looked at her future sister-in-law in her arms and wished that baby was hers.

"The duchess wants her baby," said Annabelle and a timid Annette came in the cabin, with Marlon at her side and her mother behind her, monitoring every step she took as she approached very carefully holding the baby. The sight of her oldest boy and his lifelong girlfriend and future lover carrying a baby made Octavia's heart leap.

"What is her name, what did you decide," asked Octavia as she gently took her fussy baby in her arms, her tiny face screwed up in a frown.

"Gwendolyn Corina," said Nick as he helped Octavia unwrap the baby so Octavia could do the official counting of the fingers and toes. "I named her after my two girls that I snatched back from Death."

"Who is Corina?" asked Octavia.

"That's you silly," said Jutta. "That's what your father and I named you."

"And you waited this long to tell me?"

"I told you the day you were born!" said Jutta, "It's not my fault that you forgot."

"She told me when we started looking for you," said Catrin. Catrin was short like her son Nick, or Pommy as she calls him. She's tiny and mousy with a cute smile and large thick glasses that she hid behind rather than wore, and a thick mane of black hair. Jutta, Octavia's mother, is tall and curvaceous like her daughter, her breasts are large and voluminous, waist narrow, and hips round. She keeps her hair trimmed unlike Octavia who loves the fact that her hair hangs to her waist.

"This is the best part," said Octavia to Hollie and Annette. "You look all over your baby for marks and freckles, counting every tiny finger and every tiny toe." Gwendolin wasn't quite sure what to make of her mother's inspection, she began to shiver, and she scrunched up her face and made bleating noises. Octavia opened her blouse, and she laid Gwendolyn on her chest. "She wants to feel my heartbeat, she misses that. She's heard my heartbeat day and night and now she can't hear it which is why she's scared."

"Wow," said Annette. She has a brother that was born right after her but no more, so coming over to Marlon's house is where she learns about babies. She watched the tiny child look about her, then Gwendolyn squawked a little and lay her head down, content that the whole affair was settled.

Outside Nick was talking with the witches and medic whom he thanked over and over for saving his girls. "Is there anything you need?" he asked Agness. "Just name it, it's the Duchy's treat."

The witches looked at each other then said, "Fence off the dancers."

"It is done. Who lives closest to the dancers?" When Matilda Potts raised her hand, Nick said, "I'll have a fellow swing by, and you tell him what you want. I don't want The Dancers hidden however."

"No, just something to slow down the boys from playing stick ball in the day and the lovers at night." There is a myth in the mountains that says a child that was conceived among the dancers will grow up rich and support their parents in old age. On warm nights there are lines of couples waiting their turn at the dancers.

The Dancers are a circle of eight rocks composed of meteoritic magnetic iron-based rock that are vaguely human shape, like statues that were slightly melted as the elements wore them away. If it is raining when the rain ends outside the circle, it ends a little later inside the circle, like the rain is coming from somewhere far away. When a cloud covers the sun, the circle inside the dancers darkens after the outside. The one known as Fat Man is covered with spoons left by visitors and held there by its magnetic force.

"Ok, I'll find a fence man." Then he gave Matilda a smile, "you are allowed to place a stone circle in the middle for your every other Thursday night get-together. The tourists think that witches are 'quaint' and when they see evidence of witches, they get all dreamy and spend more money." The witches of Lancre meet or try to meet at the Dancers every other Thursday. It's not a coven, witches are solitary creatures, like tomcats, they shun groups. Their gathering was more like a potluck followed by a board meeting. Nick has lost track whether this week is a meeting night or not.

"Your grace," started Agness.

"Nick," he insisted, "unless you would like me to address you as the Most High and Wise, Lady Agness." That's a title reserved for the oldest of witches, which is what Agness is, but she hates witches wearing titles and she's very vain about her age.

"Nick, you need to know, this is the last baby for Octavia..."

"She knew this would be her last all along, I wonder if she knew about this in advance..." Nick thought for a moment then said, "that makes it the last baby for me. I'll have to live vicariously through my children now. What about sex?"

The male medic blushed, but Agness knew that this was part of life like breathing and drinking water and Nick was unafraid to talk to his sister witches about sex. "You'll probably get back to normal in a matter of a couple months, it's up to her, don't rush her."

"Thank you all," said Nick. Then turning to the medic, he said, "what would you like for the Highway Watch's emergency response team?"

"We're getting more and more requests for help," said the medic. I'd like a couple of fast horses dedicated to medical response and a wagon to transport the injured. Covered, with good springs, two horses to get up the hill. The nearest hospital is in Lancre Town so it will be used."

"It's yours. I'll be talking to your captain tomorrow." As the medic headed back to the station, Nick headed across the farmyard to deposit the bloody sheets in the burn barrel that was already burning away.

"What's all the excitement Gov'ner?" asked Alphie, a highway bandit that Nick and Octavia reformed and is now his second in charge on the farm.

Nick pulled a cigar out of his blazer pocket and handed it to him, "it's a girl... but we almost lost the duchess." Alphie suddenly went white, Octavia was like a mother and a wife and sometimes a daughter to him, no other woman ever took interest or encouraged him before and he has a special love for her. "She'll be ok," said Nick, but she'll be off her feet for a while."

Soon Bertie and Dexter joined them, all three were bandits that tried to rob Nick and Octavia years ago, now they're dedicated farm hands earning an honest dollar tending to Nick's farm. One other member of their team, Carl, took a job with a dwarven mining company and is currently on the back side of Bear Mountain carving iron and coal out of the mountain. This is surprising because during the battle of Bear Mountain, Carl was seriously injured and refused to go back to that side of the mountain for years.

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<FLASHBACK>

In the wake of the death of his sons, King Verence II removed and imprisoned anyone that conspired against the throne, which included Baron Silas Singe. His wife, Baroness Viktorija Singe was an angry woman who drove Silas to conspiring against the throne. "That king is so weak! YOU should be on the throne!" she would screech.

Then came the day that a palace guardsman knocked on her door. "Missus Singe, your husband has been imprisoned for conspiring against the throne, his and your titles have been revoked and all property has been confiscated by His Majesty. M'lord Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein wot is the lord of kingdom health and safety, has employed me to inform you that the Kingdom of Lancre, most notably the Lancre armed forces, of which I am a member, will not protect you."

"Protect ME? Who is Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Wobblehat-Stein, just who does he think he is?" demanded the baroness.

"Worblehat, ma'am." The armored guard shrugged. "Sir Pommeraie right now is the kings chief advisor and he thinks he's the guy that threw your husband in the dungeon. He's got good reason to think that way, 'cause he did."

Viktorija sneered at the guard. "And what isn't he protecting me from?"

"Oh, the usual. Angry mobs with torches, pitchforks, rakes, and..." He turned and sniffed the air. "I think that's pitch, but it may be tar they're heating." He sniffed the air again, "definitely tar... I wouldn't worry, it'll take them a while to get it up to a temperature that will really sting. It really needs to ooze before it does any good. And those pitchforks need some sharpening..."

"Well, don't just stand there like an idiot, give me a hand," shrieked the baroness.

"If you insist ma'am," and the guard took off his armored gauntlet and slapped her across the face with it, a loud clanking backhand shot that knocked her back into the room. "The prince Exavier was a good lad, he always treated me right, and now he's dead because of your husband. He was like me own kid brother." The guard started to take off the other gauntlet, "Would you like another hand ma'am?"

The matron shrieked and threw herself at the door and was able to slam the heavy oak door shut and throw the bolt. She dashed through the house collecting documents that she thought were necessary then ran downstairs to the Baron's office. She found that it was ransacked. "That bastard dwarf," she muttered.

Baron Singe's business partner was a dwarf named Cadwalader Drainpipe. Cadwalader may have been cruel and greedy, but he wasn't stupid. Singe told him what they were going to do with the dark wizard Nithe Skelm and when he left, Cadwalader grabbed every copy of every signed contract and left. If their plan worked he could come back, good thing he had some foresight. Foresight was something that Silas Singe never had.

</FLASHBACK>

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Not too terribly far away from the family that gathered around their new member sat Mount Copperhead, the tallest peak in Lancre. Ninety percent of Lancre's dwarf population and Ninety Nine percent of Lancre's troll population live there, working in the mines and pits. There are many rich veins of different ores and minerals on that huge mountain, one of them being a rich vein of salt. Mining salt was necessary, salt used to be hauled to the Sto Plains and the big cities of Ankh-Morpork, Sto Helit, and Pseduopolis by mule and ox train.

Salt is a valuable commodity but dwarves refuse to mine it claiming that it effects their skin and makes their beards fall out. Trolls have no problem mining salt, but trolls don't dig mines, they dig quarries. They will dig a mine if asked properly and paid properly but that involves negotiation so human prisoners dig the salt. If they meet their quota there is no problem. If not, their human, troll, and dwarf overseers made life unpleasant. Life was already unpleasant for salt miners because of the rapid dehydration caused by constant contact with the salt, both in mine passages and salt dust in the air. Miners had to be provided with adequate breaks and water, both of which slowed the operations down.

Copperhead was in the Barony of Überskeld, which until he was removed was governed by Silas Singe, who had a huge stake in Drainpipe and Alexandrite Mining. If Silas was as smart as he was greedy, he would have made a lot of money by legitimate means, but he was a weak man and as Nithe Skelm, Orrell Slipspring, and Patience Cadence discovered, he was easily manipulated. He soon approved contracts with numerous principalities around Lancre and Überwald to import their prisoners to work as slave labor in the Copperhead salt mines.

Cadwalader Drainpipe had stolen every document that showed that prisoners had become the primary miners of salt. Because of the toxic nature of working in salt, the Lord of Health and Safety Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein made protective suits for humans mandatory and was considering the same for Dwarf miners of salt. The suits were expensive and for Cadwalader Drainpipe, the lives of prisoners was cheap. The maths worked in his favor as long as Nick didn't find out.

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Lancre Castle, Lancre Town

A rider on a chestnut horse raced across the thousand-year-old stone bridge over the Lancre River and through the town, sparks flew from its iron shoes as it ran over the cobblestone streets. The rider dashed up to the impossibly huge (for such a small kingdom) castle and through the Portcullis and up to the main door of the palace where he leaped off the horse. "I have news for the king!"

"Good news or bad news?" asked the guard as a boy grabbed the reins of the sweating horse.

"Both."

"Enter, friend. You will find the king in the garden." The rider was not exactly a friend, but the rider was a cousin of the guard and that's close enough, at least he was recognized.

The rider dashed into the castle heading for the garden. The garden was a magical meditation garden inside the castle that Octavia created for King Verence II and Queen Magrat after the senseless death of their sons at the hands of several of the members of his court and the evil round world wizard Nithe Skelm. After nine years it's starting to help.

The garden was in a large room that was once a cathedral size chapel, sunlight comes from above in the gothic rafters and the light inside reflects the time of day outside. Hummingbirds fluttered and butterflies glided among the blooms which were slightly different each day, paths lead through the garden, goldfish and silverfish swam in a small pond that fed a stream that meandered through the garden and endlessly spilled into another pond with turtles, frogs and trout that could occasionally be plucked out of the pond for dinner. Bees buzzed busily because there were blooms for them to tend, new blossoms every day, and their honey was a delicious prize that the king and queen gave to members of the court on Hogswatch Day.

One could get lost in the garden or find a comfortable bench that was located exactly where you would not be found. The king and queen took daily strolls through the garden along with their 35-year-old daughter, the former Crown Princess Esmirelda, now just Princess Esme. Her mind retreated into her childhood protecting her from the horrors she was subjected to and was forced to witness in the Dungeon Dimension. Now the king and queen were coming to the realization that they had no heirs to leave the kingdom to. They love the kingdom far too much to leave it to Esme, and they love her far too much to saddle her with a responsibility she could not handle. She was their butterfly princess, gathering the insects on her finger and marveling at their colorful wings.

Far back in the garden the back quarter is all vegetables. The pickling variety of cucumbers was ready, and the kitchen staff were under the arbors collecting the cylindrical fruit in preparation for the canning frenzy of autumn which even takes place in the castle even though vegetables and fruit are available year-round from this garden.

As Princess Esme happily studied a butterfly that was sitting on her finger, King Verence and Queen Magrat knelt among the squash vines looking for small tender zucchini for their evening meal. Their gardening was interrupted by young Harold Lorechestershire jr. the palace herald. He was accompanied by an out of breath messenger. "Sire, news from Wægn arrives."

"What have you, young sir?" said the king without looking up from his zucchini.

"Good news from the duke, the duchess gave birth this morning to a girl named Gwendolyn Corina."

"That's wonderful news!" gushed Queen Magrat. "How big was the little darling?"

"A full half stone, your highness," smiled the messenger.

"I hear a 'but' coming," said the King as he finally looked up at the messenger. "What is that but?"

"Sire, m'lady, the duchess nearly died giving birth, the duke is going nowhere until he is sure she is out of danger.

"That bad?" asked the King who depended on the warm smiles from his court wizard to get him through the week. It worked, she's kept him going for a decade, she's even coaxed a smile or two out of him, so hearing that she nearly died came as quite a shock. And Sir Pommeraie, Nick as he prefers to be called, is the king's most trusted advisor. It can truthfully be said that Nick is running the country by proxy.

"She lost a lot of blood; she looks pale and drawn. When I stopped by, she looked so weak, I've never seen her so pale and shaken. The duke and his mother and mother-in-law cares for the baby primarily."

"Harold, let my chief of staff know that I will be going to Wægn in three days to inspect the Watch station."

"That would be Thursday, it's your court meeting."

"Yes, the open court meeting. Let the members of the court know that the meeting will be held in Creel Springs. Let the duke know that also, and let the duchess know that she is excused from attending." It felt like that was the largest number of decisions that the king has made on his own since the death of his boys.

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The royal carriage eased down the mountain side with Highway Watch constables preceding it down the hill and two knights of the palace guard following. When Nick and Octavia first arrived and moved into their cottage, the royal carriage was a freight wagon that was loaned to the king by a local hardware store. When Nick and Octavia were paid lavish sums to act as temporary emperor and empress of the Agatean Empire, they purchased an actual carriage and donated it to the kingdom.

{The Agatean Empire actually thought they were "screwing" the young couple that sat in administratively as the true emperor was being trained for office. They piled sacks full of nearly useless coins on Nick and Octavia who took them every week. The Agatean empire resides on the "counterweight continent," the continent that balances the spinning of the off-center main continent on the disc. Its role as counterweight is vital so it is filled with heavy elements like iron, gold and silver and light elements like tin and copper are rare and precious. They dumped piles of "funny money" made of nearly worthless pure gold on Nick and Octavia who, being polite, took them with a smile and never complained.}

Behind the royal carriage was another carriage owned by the Lord of Intelligence, Lord Baltimore. The six lords who make up the kings' court rode slightly cramped, but other than Lord Baltimore, none of them have been on the hubward side of Breeders Peak before. Now they could see the valley that makes up the Duchy of Wægn, the Schist Creek Valley nestled between Breeders Peak and Bear Mountain. The sides of the valley were a riot of color, intense shades of red, orange, and yellow cover the sides of the valley. Shaking Aspin trees cover the sides of Bear Mountain, the shaking Aspin has yellow on one side, red on the other, and the leaves need no wind to shake, they're naturally nervous. When the Shaking Aspin's fluttering leaves are hit by the afternoon sun it look like the entire forest is shaking. Far off turnwise sat Mount Copperhead, it's head covered in snow. Tall and brooding, Copperhead marked the final turnwise boundary of Lancre.

Back and forth the Lancre Town road wove across the hubward face of Breeders Peak. What looked like tiny toys scattered on a brown and green carpet soon became farms, homes, barns and houses as they got closer and closer to the base of the hill. Finally, they found themselves in a cute little village, at the intersection of Breeders Peak Road and Main Street a pub sat on their right, the Highway Watch buildings to their left, a water mill preparing for apple season across the street and next to that a large farmhouse and next to that a hardware store, on the other side of the mill is a small general store named The Emporium.

They paused at the intersection, waiting for a slow mule wagon hauling apples to the mill to clear the intersection, and word was passed back from the king to the members of his court following to wait in the pub while the king visits with the duke. Relieved, the six Lords piled out of Lord Baltimore's carriage and stepped into the Bare Bear Pub. The sign over the door showed an embarrassed looking bear peering from behind a bush and was named for the mountain the pub was facing.

They found a right proper pub that was built by the village blacksmith Trei Metsker {with silent investment by the duke} for The Boys to meet when it was too cold to watch the blacksmith in action. There were two dart boards and a game of Devil Among the Tailors, an indoor version of skittles, but for people, there was one old timer in the corner nursing a beer and reading a week-old copy of the Ankh-Morepork Times. They say that a pub is the heart of the village, today the heart was barely beating. "What do you have to cure a travelers parched throat?" Lord Baltimore asked the barmaid.

"Pilsner, lager, ale, and stout, all are Lancre brews," said the barmaid tapping the pump handles. She was a wee bit stout herself, one of Octavia's best friends Ena McCrory. She tapped a fifth tap handle. "This is Überwald gold, it's a bit pricy but very popular. As for wine we have red and white, nothing fancy, all were pressed here in the Ramtops. Later in the season we'll have cider and scumble." The six lords looked around the pub in amazement, they hadn't been to a proper pub since they were in their youth and were on the prowl before their fathers tied them down in the family business. "What'll ye have, lads?"

"I haven't had an 'arf an' 'arf in a dog's age, I think I'll try one."

"Right you are," said Ena as she drew half a pint of lager and topped it with half a pint of stout. The lords, having found that the pub was well stocked, set to the task of correcting that situation.

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The king and queen of Lancre rode up to the front of Nick and Octavia's cottage and climbed onto the porch sadly missing the usual warm welcome from at least Hollie. The king politely knocked on the door. The door swung open, and the royal couple found themselves looking down at the face of identical looking twins. "Is your mother in?" asked Queen Magrat.

"She's sick," said one twin. She or he could barely be 2 years old.

"Bye bye," said the other twin and he or she pushed the door closed on them. Verence and Magrat heard voices inside and the door opened again, and Nick's mother Catrin opened the door with a deep bow.

"Our apologies yer majesty, the twins didn't realize... the duchess is sleeping..." and Catrin ran out of words. She and Jutta have been in almost constant contact with the King and Queen of Lancre for four years and they are both still star struck when they talk to the royal couple.

"Relax Catrin, please?" chuckled Verence. "Is the Duke available?"

"He is behind the barn, yer majesty."

The king whispered to the queen, then headed behind the cottage while Queen Magrat entered the cottage at Catrin's invitation. Behind the barn he found Nick and two farm hands shoveling a pile of cow and horse manure onto an old wagon with a mechanical device on the back. A small blond girl sat in the driver's seat and turned around to watch the shoveling while Nick's oldest son was busy hitching up his mules Teddi and Kaleb to the wagon.

"What is this project your grace?" asked the king. Verence knew painfully little about farming but becoming a farmer is his fondest dream.

"Just getting ready to spread some shit," said Nick who then looked up and saw it was the king. "Uh, getting ready to fertilize a field."

"I thought you were staying with the duchess," said King Verence.

"My mother tossed me out. She'll call me back pretty soon when it's time for someone to start cooking dinner."

"Can we talk?"

"Always, your highness."

"Walk with me." The king started walking toward the widdershins side of the property. Nick handed his shovel to Alphie who loves to watch his boss shovel, then ran to catch up with the king. They ended up under a bright autumn canopy where a beautiful stream wound through the mountain forest, a stream where trout still reigned. A large wading bird stood in the stream and waited for a young trout to mistake those long legs for tree branches. Bright red and orange leaves spiraled down from the forest top, the gurgle of the stream and the rustle of the leaves was a soothing symphony to the jangled nerves of the King.

"I always love coming here to fish and just watch the stream flow past, you taught Exavier and I to fish right here at this bend in the stream."

"It's where Mustrum Ridcully taught me to fish your highness," Nick pointed to a wooden chair under a maple tree. "That's where he used to nap."

The king's eyes filled with tears, and he wiped them away before Nick noticed. "You know that Princess Esme is no longer an heir to the throne."

"Aye sire, I knew it, but it hurts anew to hear out loud."

"The queen..." King Verence looked down into the stream and a small fish caught his interest, but it darted out of sight, and he continued. "The queen has reached that point of a woman's life where it's assured that there will be no more heirs..." he paused for a breath, Prince Exavier would be seventeen now had he lived, and the king and queen would be looking for a mate for him.

"Go on," said Nick.

The king just realized how long he had been silent. "I am going to pick an heir, one that I think will be wise enough to lead the kingdom, who will love the kingdom enough to dedicate his life to it but hate the job enough to let the people of the kingdom rule themselves."

"That sounds like the perfect ruler for Lancre," said Nick.

"That man is you, Sir Pommeraie. I need you to rule over Lancre with the skill and the wisdom that you have shown in Wægn."

"I... I don't..."

"Duke Worblehat-Stein, I gave you the baronies of Thrash and Überskeld to teach you how to delegate and how to rule widespread locations, which you have done marvelously. The people deserve only the best to rule them, which is what you are."

"I am honored sire, if my king believes in me enough to order it I..."

"So ordered."

The shock that the king actually picked him as an heir startled Nick. "I will serve as best as I can."

"You can do it, you've been doing it for ten years," said Verence.

"I'm not a prince, am I?"

"Yes, you are the crown prince, and your title of Duke remains."

"Do I have to wear those tight leggings and those puffy sleeves?"

"Pommy..." the king sighed. He looked and Nick was giving him a sassy grin. "Please say you will do it... for me?"

"Because you asked, and no one else, I will do it. But I beg you to hold out as long as you can, I have a son I need to train to be the duke, I have a daughter to train to be a witch..."

"I think I can give you twenty years," said the King.

Nick realized that he couldn't push back further, this was truly important to the king. "I will be proud to follow in your footsteps, your majesty," said Nick and they shook hands. "Do I have to wear those poofy collars that stick way out and..."

"Pommy!"

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Back at the cottage Nick asked everyone to step outside so he could talk to Octavia alone, even the king and queen stepped outside and sat in the comfortable chairs on the shady porch, enjoying the last warm days of the year. Queen Magrat held Nick's youngest son, Exavier Abraam, named for the two princes lost to the Dungeon Dimension ten years ago. "He's such a happy child!" gushed the queen as she hugged the happy little lad.

"Grandmothers aren't supposed to have a favorite but he's my favorite to hold," said Octavia's mother Jutta. "He just smiles and enjoys whatever you want to do."

"Except nap, I can't put him down for a nap," said Nick's mom Catrin. "I have to wait for him to fall asleep before I can put him down."

"This is such a healing place," said Magrat. "A walk in the woods does Verence and I so much good, and it looks like your own scars are starting to heal. And the story of how you miraculously arrived here in time for Hogswatch four years ago will be told over and over."

"We hope it will be," said Jutta. "We talked with Duke Samuel Vimes and his publisher is going to publish the story in a book with pictures." {Their story is told here without pictures}

Inside the cabin Nick waited for Octavia to wake up from her nap. "How are you feeling?" he asked.

"I really, really have to tinkle," she said weakly. Nick reached for a pan, but she insisted, "like a person!" He helped her to her feet; she was a bit wobbly, but she made it to the outhouse and Nick helped her arrange herself on the seat. "Do ya mind?" she asked, inferring that she wanted some privacy.

"It's a two holer," and he pulled down his trousers and sat next to her as she did her business. When she was done, he handed her a cloth to clean with gently, he didn't want her to make anything worse with a page from the CMOT Dibbler & Sons Farm and Garden Catalogue then helped her up. She stepped outside and noticed something. She opened the door to the sauna which was right across the little patio from the outhouse and said, "You lengthened the sauna!"

"It's a new sauna, we moved the other one to the bunkhouse for the guys. We'll get the whole family in here including Annette." They had gotten Annette's parents addicted to a hot sauna on a bitter cold winter day so quite often the chief of the Highway Watch and the Chief Detective can be found naked in the steamy heat with the Duke and Duchess of Wægn.

When they got into the house Octavia finally asked Nick, "What is so important? You look like you're ready to burst... or explode."

"The king chose me to be his heir."

"It's about time," said Octavia as she eased back down on the cushions.

"You knew?"

Octavia smiled and kissed his forehead then said, "Silly duke, who else has he been grooming for a decade since they lost the boys? The queen and I talk, he's been so terrified that you would say no that he could barely sleep."

"He knows me. He knows that whatever the king asks, I do."

"He wanted you to want to say yes."

So, you're ok with the possibility of becoming a queen?"

"You have been treating me like a queen for over eleven years, it will be nice to have a crown and a throne."

"You knew this would happen?"

Octavia smiled and pulled him close for a long, loving kiss. "Haven't I been telling you that you're going to be a wonderful king?"

"I thought you were talking about sex."

Nick stepped out onto the porch and was about to say something when King Verence called, "Come join us Prince Pommeraie, we are holding the open court meeting in the Bare Bear pub."

Nick turned back to Octavia and shrugged, holding his hands up helplessly. "Go!" called Octavia from her couch. "Duty calls."

"I'll be back for dinner," he told his family and he climbed into the royal coach, and they rode off.

"Mommeeeeee!" cried Hollie and she dashed into the cottage, "The king is going deaf!"

"What?" laughed Octavia as her children and their grandmothers gathered around her.

"I heard him!" the young witch gasped. "He said that he was so happy that daddy would be his ear."

Octavia thought for a moment then said, "Marlon, will you go out to the bunkhouse and ask Alphie, Bert, and Dexter to join us? They're family, they need to hear this too."

Soon the cottage was packed, and Octavia had the two youngest in her arms, Gwendoline and Exavier. When everyone was comfortable and the adults all had a cuppa, she said, "the king has asked daddy to be his heir."

"That's what I said!" cried Hollie, but Octavia held her hand up to shush her oldest daughter. She pulled her daughter close and gave her a kiss then tickled her.

"He said heir, not ear. In royalty an heir is who you leave your job to when you die. Princess Esme was his heir, but she can't do the job anymore. Prince Exavier died, and we loved him so much we named giggles after him." She tickled Exavier and the tyke giggled and tried to get away but not very hard.

Marlon knew exactly what she meant but he dared to say it out loud. "So, if the king dies, dad will become king?"

"Exactly, when the king dies."

The reactions ranged from squeals of excitement {mostly from Nick's and Octavia's mothers} to actual tears from Hollie. Marlon and Annette clung to each other and shared a quick kiss, the twins were hopping up and down in excitement, but they weren't fully sure what they were happy about. Finally, Alphie stepped forward and said, "your majesty, it's been an honor serving your family."

"You're not going anywhere," said Octavia. "You have proven to be reliable and trustworthy, those are rare commodities, there will be a place for you. The castle has a huge indoor garden, and someone must manage it. There are also outdoor gardens, someone needs to make them beautiful. And when we move out, this cottage will go to Hollie, the farm will go to the duke, the workload will not change."

"And Marlon becomes the duke?" asked Jutta.

"When his father is crowned king," said Octavia with a nod.

"Who will be king after dad?" asked Marlon.

"You, silly!" said Annette with a giggle but Marlon looked terrified.

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"Ena," called Nick, "Do you mind if we hold the royal court meeting in here today?"

Ena chuckled. Nick was a funny guy, aways trying to get her to laugh. She and her dad opened this pub a couple of years ago to give the people of Creel Springs a place to gather and relax, especially in the winter. It was just barely making money, but her dad said "just stay with it. People will catch on and start to hold events and meetings here." Nick was waiting for an answer. "Sure, bring on the kings court," said Ena, "Shall I ask the ruffians to leave?" she indicated several men who had pushed a few tables together and were well into their cups.

"They are the kings court," said Nick.

"THEM?" gasped Ena looking at the half dozen men who have been drinking beer and throwing darts poorly for the past two hours.

Verence and Magrat stepped into the pub and looked around and everyone rose to attention. "Please, as you were," called the king. Verence used to go to pubs quite often when he was learning to be a fool, but Magrat has never stepped into one. Ena whispered to her teenage son, "Go tell your grandpa that the king is here."

"A pint of lager and a glass of red wine for the queen please," said Verence as he leaned on the bar. "And a pint for Nick, he looks like he needs it."

The king called him Nick? She expected the king to call people by their titles. Ena looked at Nick and he looked pale and nervous. "Who are all these people Nick?" Ena whispered harshly.

Pointing around the room, Nick said, "That's Lord Baltimore, he's the Duke of Pellingham, that's Lord Harcourt, he's the exchequer of the kingdom, there's Earl Buckminster Hargrave, he's in charge of national security, the guy with the thin mustache, he's Marquis Nathanaël Cyriaque head of International relations, those guys throwing darts, the one throwing is Lord Vernon Wynne, he's the Prime Minister, and the other guy is Earl Horace Giffard leader of the house of Lords."

"What do you do?" she asked.

Nick pushed his sleeves up his arms, turned his hands over a few times to show that he didn't have anything in his hands, then found a five-dollar coin behind her ear. "I pay for the kings drinks." He put the coin in her hand and went and sat down. She owed him change, but she knew Nick wouldn't take it.

The pub started to fill with locals, they saw the king and queen enter the pub and went over there to see what was going on. It wasn't Friday, the pub served fish and chips on Friday, so what was going on? Preston Prescott heard that the king was in the Bare Bear and grabbed an honor guard of officers and dashed over to the pub to guard the king if needed.

The king rapped his knuckles on the table. "Gentlemen, we are here in the open on the last Thursday of the month so the gods and our people can see us in action. Does everyone have a drink?" all of the lords at the table did, but the king rose and said, "Does everyone have a drink?" Some onlookers said they didn't so the king turned around and slapped a fifty-dollar gold coin on the bar, "Get one!"

The king bought a round! Even Annabelle Prescott, the tiny chief of detectives of the Highway Watch and unknowing future Queen Mum, got a glass of wine. The king insisted that the Watch officers join in, which they did heartily. "Trei? Ena? I insist you join," said the king who didn't know or didn't care about Trei's 'no drinking on the job' rule. 'Well, he is the king,' thought Trei as he pulled himself a pint of Überwald Gold.

Finally, the king rose and lifted his glass and called out, "To the flag of Lancre! Long may she wave over our fair kingdom!"

"Hear hear!"

Lord Baltimore, the senior member of the court stood and held his mug high, "To the king and queen, long may they rule!"

"Hear hear!"

Again, King Verence stood. "To my heir, may he rule bravely and wisely in my stead, hopefully in the far distant future... To Lord Worblehat-Stein, Prince Nick!"

The crowd paused, not sure of what they heard, but Nick's act at trying to look innocent showed those that knew him, it was true. "HEAR! HEAR!" They roared and locals came and patted Nick on the back, shocking the gathered Lords, but this was Nick's village, his friends. He delivered their babies, he taught them to read and write, he nursed their ailing livestock back to health, and he has helped clear their roads of bandits and highway men. He fought off a hoard of dwarves that were trying to gut Bear Mountain and now a profitable mine works the hubward side and is hiring humans.

He was their duke, he was their witch, he was their neighbor, teacher, friend, fellow farmer and tradesman. To the people of Creel Springs, it was a story of 'Local Boy Makes Good,' there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Behind the bar Trei Metsker helped his daughter Ena pour beer and ale, he could only wish that Nick's old friend Sieffre Merrick were still alive to see this, the lad that he made so much fun of was now the crown prince. The old man would never believe it.

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In the fabled twin cities of Ankh-Morpork lies the Unseen University. For 2000 years, the Unseen University has stood as the preeminent facility for the learning and containing of the art of magic. Primarily wizardry is taught, because all other forms of magical use are either handed down, no longer exist, or are for girls. {ew!} The faculty and student body of the university is predominantly {universally} male, because wizardry is a boy's only club.

That is why it was highly unusual to see a witch fly a broom over the wall and gently touch down in the center of the quad. She straightened up from her long flight, one could hear the joints crack and pop into place, then she strode into the main building. Stooped to the point of being hunchback {on both shoulders} the witch stopped in the center of the main corridor and banged the butt of her broom three times on the ancient stone floor. The broom shouldn't have made more than a soft thunk, but the third and final thunk echoed throughout the building.

"Can I help you mum?" asked a third-year student.

"Yes, I shall require a room, some tea, proper tea, not this piddly stuff they drink in the city, and I require the head of this institution. In that order if you don't mind, thank you."

She looked the student in the eyes and immediately he began to give her information on where she could find the nearest exit, but instead he heard himself saying, "Yes mum, right away."

The student led her to the faculty condominium where she asked the door keeper for her key. The door keeper planned to tell her where she could find her bloody key, but instead he opened the door to the landlord's office and took a key from a large keyboard and held it out to her. She gave him a look that clearly {and silently} said, "You should know better." The door keeper led her to a currently unused suite on the ground floor, a floor reserved for the most senior of instructors.

Twenty minutes later a breathless instructor burst into the archchancellor's office. "What is it Gnost? I don't have all evening," barked the Archchancellor as he thumbed through the current issue of the Ankh-Morpork & Sto Plains Hygienic Railway Trainspotters Gazette. The man was not the first, but he was the most prodigious "foamer" on the disk. {Foamer is the term used by railroad men, the Railway Watch, and everyone else to describe what other worlds call "Train Nuts." It is short for Foaming at the mouth mad.}

Archchancellor Sebastian Dashwood's office was filled with railway memorabilia of all forms. Schedules and punched tickets were framed on the wall as were iconographs of each locomotive that ever lived to chuff steam on the discworld. Glass shelves were lined with model locomotives, carriages, cars, and other items that make the railway run. The class bell for the university has been replaced by a steam whistle from old #34 that met its end at the apex of Dead Man's Curve. The Archchancellor's personal Wizard's Cap was made from white and blue stripe mattress ticking. He has the only wizard's robe in existence that has a vest and conductor's watch.

He teaches two classes to the seniors, Ferroequinology, and Railway Iconography.

The little round man took a moment to catch his breath then Regenald Gnost said, "a witch moved into Professor Loveprang's suite."

"Has it been properly fumigated?" asked the Archchancellor as he turned the page and made a notation on his pad that Locomotive #1, the Adora Belle Dearheart was scheduled for a major rebuild and may not be seen gracing the rails for several months.

"Yes sir, but..."

"But what man! Get on with it."

"She's a witch!"

"That may make a bit of a difference being a woman, but she's not part of the faculty which is clearly against the rules. Make her go away."

"I tried sir."

"And...?"

"I ended up making her tea."

"What about security?" demanded the Archchancellor.

"They were looking for biscuits for her."

Archchancellor Dashwood rolled his eyes up and shook his head. "Fine. I will deal with it. It appears no other wizard has the backbone to deal with the slight matter of a weak woman squatting on our fair campus..." he pulled the watch out of his pocket and checked the time against a clockwork train that travelled around his office on a shelf just above doortop level. "Right on time," he said with a smile and a nod as the train pulled into the station area above the door. Maybe he should hold a class on quarter inch scale schedule making.

"Let's go see who is sipping your tea, shall we Professor Gnost?" and with that he stepped out across campus. Like his predecessor, Mustrum Ridcully, the new Archchancellor was an outdoorsman, but one day while trout fishing on the Gjorgiev River he heard the call of the lonesome whistle, and while he didn't stop hunting and fishing {one must have something to eat while sitting at trackside waiting to get the perfect shot} he never looked back.

He stepped into the faculty suite in question and glared at the witch who sat in Professor Loveprang's rocking chair and entertained several junior members of the faculty with stories of her home in the mountains. "Agness... really?"

"Is that how you address me?" demanded the witch. There was iron in her words calling the recalcitrant to heave to.

"Aunt Agness... to what do we owe the honor of your visit?"

"The King of Lancre has chosen a witch as his heir," said Agness Dempsy angrily, then suddenly smiling she turned to the underclassman standing at her shoulder. "Could I have a spot more of tea? Thank you luv."

"So... the King of Lancre will pass his throne on to... a queen?"

"No, the witch is a man!"

"What do the king's sons think about that?" asked a confused Archchancellor.

"His sons are dead," said Agness. "They were killed in the Dungeon Dimension."

"Oh my," said Archchancellor Dashwood. "I don't keep up on politics... but still, that's the king's choice, he could appoint a female to be his heir if he so chooses."

"The witch's wife was a student here," said Agness. "She studied under the assumed name of Façade Incognito."

"The king's heir is a witch that's a man whose wife is a man?"

"She's a woman!" Agness almost shouted.

"My dear Aunt Agness, this is an all-man's university. I never forget a student, twelve years ago Façade Incognito was in my Interstellar Spellcasting class..." He slowed to a stop as the thought process kicked in. "Façade had..." and he cupped his hands in front of his chest as if holding a large pair of melons.

"She still does, and she's got six children."

"Are you sure he's a woman?"

"After last Tuesday I'm absolutely positive."

"I don't see where this is any of my problem," huffed Sebastian Dashwood.

"Someday the King of Lancre is going to be a very powerful Witch and his queen, Octavia Worblehat, is the Enchantress, a Sourceress of unlimited power and..."

"Façade Incognito is now the Enchantress?"

"Yes, I just said that, now pay attention... good heavens man, why are you sniffling?"

"It's just touching when your student becomes a success."

"I'm talking about the most powerful magical force the disc has ever seen, sitting on the throne of government. There would be no stopping them if they decided to rise up."

"And what do you want me to do with them?" asked Archchancellor Dashwood.

"Go! Talk to them! See if you can tell what their intentions are!"

For a long moment the Archchancellor thought... Take the #7 train to Hot Dang, switch to train #27 and take the narrow gauge line up the Gjorgiev River valley into the high Ramtops to Überwald... find an excuse to be in Überwald, then take #28 to Hot Dang then catch the coach over the peak to Lancre Town... "I'll do it!"

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The Worblehat-Stein family were spending a week in the palace so Nick and Octavia could learn the job that he agreed to. The king asked Nick and Octavia to live in the palace for one week a month for an unspecified number of months to get used to the building and learn their jobs. They knew the general layout of Lancre Castle but there were so many things they needed to learn about the castle. Of course, the children were ecstatic, this meant they got their own room! They were set up in a row, Prince Marlon, Princess Hollie, Prince Llywellyn, Princess Llywella, and the two youngest Prince Exavier and Princess Gwendoline had a nursery between their parents' room and their grandmother's room. The rooms were big and at Nick and Octavia's request, very plain. Nick and Octavia didn't want the kingdom to splurge on frippery and meaningless dainty decorations so simple tapestries were hung in the rooms just to add some warmth.

The children all had common complaints that night, "The beds are too squishy!" followed by "It's too quiet!" followed by "I'm lonely!" For a couple of hours the first night they trooped in and out of their parents room with their complaints until they finally found a way to get to sleep.

Magdolina was the housekeeper assigned to the Worblehat-Stein family's rooms and she started her day at four AM. She crept down the hallway holding a single candle for light and peeked into the young Prince's room and found that Marlon was asleep on one side of the bed, Princess Hollie on the other side. Next was Prince Llywellyn, in his bed was Princess Llywella. She peered in the nursery and found both the bed and the bassinette empty. Magdolina crept into Nick and Octavia's room to report the children missing and she found them in bed with Nick and Octavia.

At 6:00 AM she was walking down the hall and was almost run over by Lou and Loo-Loo as they dashed from their room to their parents' room leaving the door open. A quick peek into the room showed all the children were in bed with Nick and Octavia.

"Good morning, Magdalina," said Octavia. "Will you be able to show me where I can get breakfast started?"

"Breakfast will be served at 7:00 AM your grace, in the main dining room."

It took nearly the full hour to get the children up and dressed. Lou and Loo-Loo were not the best at getting motivated, but the call of breakfast got them moving. "How did you sleep last night mom?" Nick asked Catrin as he wrestled a squirming Exavier into his clothes.

"It's a little spooky here, but the bed was comfortable."

"Verence told me that this is the longest inhabited castle in the world. I don't know whether that's accurate or not, but I can feel the history," said Octavia. To her the castle felt welcoming, like it was waiting for her to move in. "It's a sad old castle, it misses children."

They met the King and Queen and Princess Esme for breakfast and the meal was set up buffet style alongside the huge banquet table. There was everything that Nick could possibly dream of for breakfast, sweet rolls, donuts, scrambled eggs, hot cereal, steak, bacon, sausage, and pancakes, which were Hollie's favorite.

After settling the children Nick fixed himself a plate of scrambled duck eggs {tomorrow is Soul Cake Tuesday and the opening of Duck Season!} and bacon when his mom sat a bowl of hot cereal in front of him. "What's this?"

"Try it and tell me what you think." Nick tried a spoonful and was surprised at the nutty sweet flavor but also of the memories it brought back, cold winter morning eating next to the stove, wrapped up warm and hoping for snow to play in. "Barley porridge with molasses, I used to make that for you every cold morning."

"I... I remember the flavor... nutty, malty... barley takes hours to make. You were up for two hours every morning to make it?"

Catrin shrugged, "it's all we had money for, your father thought the molasses was splurging but you loved it."

"He's gone, he got what he deserved." Nick held his mother's hand and he said to her and Jutta, "If any man says or does anything untoward to you let me know, and I'll have a talk with him. We'll have a public flogging... or set you up on a date."

"Oh, stop," said Jutta.

"You two are turning heads," said Octavia. "There's more than one man in Creel Springs that is interested in you."

Jutta and Catrin held hands under the table and Jutta said, "That part of our lives is over, but thank you."

Just then Harold entered and stepped up to the king. "The morning castle report sir." The castle is so old that pieces tend to fall off in the night. Harold walks around the castle every morning and reports on what fell off. They don't have the money to make major repairs, so they rope off parts that become dangerous.

"Did we lose anything major?" asked King Verence.

"No sir. In fact, the hubwards tower on the widdershins end has... it... it's back sire."

"Have you been drinking Harold?" asked the stunned king. "Because if you have, I would like to try some of that," then the king saw Nick looking at Octavia.

"Well," shrugged Octavia, "All the stones were just lying there, you couldn't get around that corner of the castle on the outside because of the stones blocking the walk, so I kind of put it back together." The king and queen looked shocked, but Nick was used to this, such is the power of his Enchantress. Weight, mass, size, none of that matters to the most powerful magical being on the discworld. Moving things from one place to another was not difficult, and what she did last night will have scientists in the future scratching their heads and claiming that aliens made it. She reduced all the stones to their basic components and rebuilt the tower out of those components making the tower one massive, hollow, tower shaped stone with windows, spiral stairs, rooms with fireplaces and internal plumbing. "Future kings will need a castle that won't collapse on them," she said softly.

Octavia plans to make the future Duke of Wægn's manor the same way, but out of wood. She's already amassed a huge pile of stone for the ornamental wall out of field stones from many of the local farmer's fields. Due to her efforts, the fields of Tallywiffle County, Lancre have become the easiest to plow fields on the disc because there are no rocks in the fields to hit.

Trying to change the conversation, she said, "This was wonderful, but I suspect that breakfast isn't like this normally."

"Heavens no," said Queen Magrat, "I wanted to give you a taste of what our kitchen can do. This breakfast is what we serve when we have dignitaries visiting. Lunch and dinner will be similar, then we return to normal tomorrow. We try to find a reason to do this monthly to keep the kitchen staff in practice."

When breakfast was complete, King Verence, Nick, and Marlon planned to go over the constitution and the standing treaties with the different governments, while Queen Magrat planned to give Octavia, the grandmother's and kids a tour of the castle and the gardens. First, they headed back to the bedrooms to change the babies and soon it was time to tour.

"Llywellyn! Llywella! Where are you two?" called Grandma Jutta, but she was answered with giggling. "Remy, can you find my grandchildren for me?" she said in exasperation.

The wolf sniffed the air and walked out of the room sniffing, but he was more interested in finding Nick and going outside. He would quite often help Jutta and Catrin, but he would occasionally forget what he was doing and wander off and curl up for a nap. The only human that he really listened to was Nick, but that didn't stop the wolf from breaking for a nap.

The sound of running footsteps and giggling filled the air as Lou and Loo-Loo raced down the impossibly long corridor, laughing and giggling until they bumped into their grandmothers. "Found 'em for ya," called out Remy who curled up for a nap.

The twins ran circles around Jutta and Catrin then took off down the hall running full bore until they bumped into Princess Esme. The twins looked up at her, and she looked down at them, then with unspoken agreement the three took off running together, Esme's pink gown trailing behind her as they ran. They ran laughing and giggling until they reached the end of the hall and turned and there was Queen Magrat and Princess Octavia walking toward them. "My goodness, what are you silly twins doing?"

"We found a friend mommy!"

"Friend!" said Esme with a large grin.

"Your mother tells me that you have some pretty butterflies, can you share them with us?" asked Octavia. Esme nodded her head and turned to run, but Octavia was able to slow her down. "I can't run with the baby," so Esme slowed, and the twins held a finger on each hand, and they walked to the meditation garden that Octavia created for them.

"That's the first actual word she's said since..." and Queen Magrat broke down in tears.

Octavia hugged the queen as best as she could as Magrat wept bitter tears for all that was lost - her two boys and her beloved daughter's sanity. "I want you to know, my queen, that if anything happens, Princess Esmirelda will be part of our family and we will care for her every day."

"You don't have to..."

But Octavia interrupted her. "It's what friends do."

Feeling hugely relieved that her daughter's future was secure they entered the meditation garden. "Oh my!" gasped Octavia. "It's been a long time since I've been in here, it's really filled in!"

"This place gives me such peace," said Magrat as they followed the graveled path. "And you can see, Esme truly loves it." Ahead of them on the path Esme was showing Hollie and the twins how to get a butterfly to land on their fingers like a pet bird. Little Exavier was crouching by the goldfish pond watching the fish swim about and both grandmothers hovered nearby nervously, probably scaring away the fish.

"I need to fill this one up, she didn't have much breakfast," said Octavia as she sat down on a bench with Gwendolyn. Magrat sat with her on the bench and the baby sleepily nursed as the stream gurgled past.

At some point the baby stopped nursing and started looking around, the gurgling of the brook stopped, the giggling of the twins stopped. Octavia looked around nervously but as she was about to stand up, a woman walked around the corner with an "I know who you are!" kind of smile. She was tall and slim with straight jet-black hair, and she was very pretty, her almond shaped brown eyes made her look like she was from Agatea.

"You're here, do you like it?" asked the woman. She was wearing a form clinging black and red dress and when she walked her hips swung from side to side like a metronome.

"The garden? I made it about ten years ago."

"And you're seeing what it looks like now that I've touched it."

"I'm sorry," said Octavia, do I know you?"

"Yes, but we've never spoken before, you might say that I wait for no man."

"You're an anthropomorphic personification." Octavia wasn't asking or guessing, there's something about an anthropomorphic personification that screams "I'm real!" but whispers "I only look like this because you want to see me."

"Yes, you live in my domain, you have travelled through it quite regularly, and you've even taught your husband to do it, but he's not as skilled."

"You're the anthropomorphic personification of L-Space?" Before the woman could react, Octavia said, "no, there's not enough people who know about it for L-Space to have an anthropomorphic personification. You're space? No, the anthropomorphic personification of Space would probably be rotund..." Then Octavia realized who it was and suddenly she was afraid. "Time?"

"Yes! You guessed! How delightful! You're the first to do it."

"You're here to collect a debt that I ran up... right?"

"NO! Don't be silly. Now Alberto Malich, that guy owes me!"

"Who?"

Time created a bench in front of Octavia and sat down. "A wizard, what else?" sighed Time. "He was supposed to die in the year..." Time rolled her eyes up in thought, "On your calendar that would be the year... forty-two."

The current year was 2017. "Why does he owe you? Me, I bounce around in time, but I don't owe you?" Octavia constantly slipped back and forth in time to get everything done on time. She did her time traveling by passing through L-Space

"Because you don't stop your aging. If you had twenty-five years left to live, and you had jumped back twenty-five years you would die today because you haven't stepped out of the time stream, you've waded around in it some, but Alberto has stepped outside of time. Occasionally he comes back into the time stream and the seconds tick off, but he lives at Death's house where there is no time."

"So how long do I have left?"

"That's the problem... Come. Walk with me." Time stood and held her hand out to Octavia who rose and took it. She followed Time around the corner and suddenly everything was in black and white. The only colors she could see were Time, her beautiful golden tanned skin, her red and black dress, her bright red fingernails... but around her the world was black and white, like an iconograph when the imp only has black paint and white paint to work with. Everything was colored in shades of gray.

They were in a garden full of black roses and gray daisies, ahead of them stood a large gray brick house, it had five large gables extending rooms on the second floor out and two huge chimneys that were crowned with what looked like brickwork flowers. They entered the house and inside was a tall slim man who resembled Time, he was wearing a white linen buttoned shirt and black trousers. He had his sleeves rolled up and under one arm he carried a wooden drafting board, T-square, and a couple of rulers. In his shirt pocket there were several pencils in a protective sleeve, and he wore glasses.

"This is my brother Space," said Time, as Octavia shook his hand. "We are inexorably linked," she said.

"He's waiting for us," said Space and he led Time and Octavia though the house which seemed much larger on the inside than on the outside. He led them to a study where Death sat behind a desk reading a large open volume.

"AHH, MISS CORINA ALDANA, WELCOME TO MY DOMAIN."

"Who?" asked Octavia.

"I'M SORRY, MISSUS WORBLEHAT-STEIN. WELCOME YOUR MAJESTY. YOUR BOOK HAS CORINA ALDANA ON THE COVER AND YOU HAVE HAD OTHER NAMES, SUCH AS FAÇADE INCOGNITO."

"I still can't believe they fell for that one," muttered Octavia under her breath. "Why am I here?"

"FOLLOW ME." Death led them out of the study, down a corridor and into a huge, arena size room where thousands and thousands of books lined an untold number of shelves, some thin, some very thick. The shelves went up over twenty feet and there were ladders on tracks that slid back and forth. "THESE ARE THE STORIES OF THE LIVES THAT HAVE ENDED."

"Can I see the book for Ivo Stein?" asked Octavia. She always wanted to know more about Nick, and now that Catrin is part of their family she wanted to know more. Maybe reading about Nick's father would enlighten her of Nick's past.

"POMMERAIE DE LA MONTESQUIEU'S FATHER? IT'S NOT HERE. FOLLOW ME." He led them to another room which was huge and filled with shelves but there were far fewer books. The room was filled with the sound of pens writing on paper as life after life was being recorded. It wasn't a loud sound but there were so many life stories being written that the sound was a soft roar. Death traced a bony finger across the spines of the books then he handed a book titled Ivo Stein to Octavia. "THIS IS HIS STORY."

She opened the book and flipped through the pages filled with his handwritten story. The book confirmed Catrin's claim that he beat her nearly to death over wet socks, then after he beat her and watched her crawl out into the cold wet evening to find help, he realized he grabbed the wrong socks. There was never a word of regret in the book, not for any slimy underhanded action he took. Then she saw where he threw his five-year-old son out of the cab on Hogswatch Eve. All he said was good riddance. She turned to the last page and saw that there was writing continuing on...

"Ivo stepped off the carriage that dropped him off in Creel Springs and he stepped into the Bare Bear pub next to the blacksmith's house and demanded, 'Does anyone know where I might find Pommy?' He was looked at with blank stares. 'I'm looking for Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Stein. Does anyone know him?' Again, he was answered with blank stares.

'You may get better answers across the street,' said the bar tender pointing at the door.

Ivo left in a huff and stepped outside. He looked across the street and saw that it was the police station. 'Yeah, jail. He's probably locked up,' thought Ivo."

"I have to go; I have to warn Nick!" gasped Octavia.

"It's ok," said Space, "Here you are out of time, you'll return to the moment you left."

"IVO IS A DISTRACTION, DO NOT LET HIM WORRY YOU."

"I have children!" Octavia cried cuddling Gwendolyn closer. "If he comes in contact with Catrin again he will..."

"YOUR HUSBAND WILL NOT ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN," said Death.

"What he's trying to say is that Pommeraie and Ivo must work it out between themselves," said Space.

"You have too many people around you to allow anything to happen to the children, or anyone else under your protection like Catrin Stein, or Esme Verence," said Time. "But come, that is not why you're here."

They led Octavia through a huge room that was filled with shelves reaching twenty feet high, the shelves contained hour glasses and each ornate base had a name in different languages. All of these life timers sat in silence, their last grain of sand had run out. The only sound in this room was the occasional muffled sound of a life timer being placed in the room as the last grain of sand ran out, and the almost happy ding of a life timer disappearing to reappear elsewhere with a new name and a full load of sand. "What's that ringing sound?"

"REINCARNATION. NOTHING FOR YOU TO WORRY ABOUT."

Octavia nodded and said, "I don't believe in reincarnation."

"BUT DOES REINCARNATION BELIEVE IN YOU?" Death led them to the next room, filled with shelves reaching high into the dim realms of the rafters. The shelves were filled with life timers, the sand running through the hourglasses was almost silent but when you add thousands and thousands of "almost silent" you fill the air with a noticeable background roar of seconds sliding by.

So many timers! So many names! Occasionally there would be a pop and the timers shift to the side to make room for a new birth, a timer with a full load of sand. Octavia noticed one timer that was the same size and design, but the sand was flowing madly from the upper bulb to the lower bulb, it would be exhausted in a few hours. "What is this?" asked Octavia.

"A POOR CHILD IN A SMALL VILLAGE THAT WAS BORN WITH A DISEASE THEY CANNOT TREAT," said Death impartially.

"So why am I here?" Octavia was suddenly terrified that they were going to show her that King Verence had no time left.

"For this," said Time as she indicated a shelf with a single life timer. The upper bulb was three quarters filled with sand, the lower bulb had a small pile of sand and on the wooden frame was a golden plaque with the name CORINA ALDANA underneath was the inscription The Enchantress.

Still not used to being addressed by her birth name, Octavia didn't realize that this was her timer. "THE SAND IN YOUR TIMER DOES NOT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND GRAVITY."

"The sand in your life timer is flowing, but at one grain an hour and it takes several hours for the grain to fall. It is the exact opposite of that small child; your sand is moving much slower than the other life timers. Your life timer looks normal until you notice how slow the grains are moving," said Time. "Death noticed it and called me and my brother to investigate this."

"How is that possible?" asked Octavia.

"It started the moment you became enchanted," said Time and she handed Octavia the book of her life that was open to a specific page.

"Me? Enchanted?" laughed Octavia. "I'm the Enchantress, I'm supposed to be running around enchanting men and women..." but she looked at the page and sighed with a smile. It was just a few months after she and Nick met, they had located the Tome of Inverse Disambiguation in Bruce Bockschecker's hunting station in Four Ecks and returned it to the Bugarup University library. History was written in their true names, not what they were more popularly known as at the time.

As Pommeraie de la Montesquieu slammed down a well-deserved beer at the librarian's desk/bar in the Bugarup University library, Corina moved to the stacks, she needed to make a dash through L-Space to check on a book she had mysteriously hidden, but first she had a power to use...

"There you are apprentice!" she laughed and beckoned him with a crooked finger. She pulled Pommeraie de la Montesquieu toward her and took him into her arms for a kiss that never would have occurred to Pommeraie de la Montesquieu. Their lips met as their bodies melted together, but then her lips parted, and her tongue caressed his lips seeking out his tongue. Pommeraie de la Montesquieu was startled and almost pulled away, but Corina caught him and held him tight as his timid tongue began to explore her tongue.

Now Corina felt the kiss evolving, Pommeraie de la Montesquieu's love for her was reflected back at her tenfold by his latent, hidden magical powers. The enchantment that she was casting on Pommeraie de la Montesquieu was absorbed, accepted, and returned enchanting the enchantress. Corina whimpered and everything was forgotten, the terrors of the XXXX desert, the baby discworld turtles following them, the nebula, the spell they must cast, the planet eater... all of it was gone, all that mattered was this man, their hearts dancing in time and their tongues and lips that begged for more.

Pommeraie de la Montesquieu's chest swelled with excitement as his tongue danced with hers, he even whimpered in excitement a little as their kiss grew hotter and sweeter and it grew in intensity. And when it was over, Pommeraie de la Montesquieu held on to Corina, panting and kissing the side of her neck and she gasped and tangled her fingers in his hair. Meanwhile the Ecksian wizards watched in terror and envy. The spell was cast, they had enchanted each other.

"That was it? That was the moment? I knew something had happened at some point," said Octavia as she flipped back a page and looked at her life, watching the love bloom with a young man she hired to help... no, she didn't need help, she needed companionship, and that's why she hired Nick to accompany her, he was fun to talk to and she loved his smile and his tight, muscular little body.

"Have you noticed that you have not been enchanting men to follow your will, instead you're milking goats to feed the products of your love?" asked Time. "You make yourself look older with worry lines and the occasional gray hair. Haven't you noticed that instead of putting on makeup, you drop the artificial signs of aging you wear?"

Octavia looked from one anthropomorphic personification to another. She was busted. She noticed soon after Hollie was born that she doesn't show the signs one would show as you aged and worked hard on your farm. Nick didn't say anything, but the women of the village were mentioning it and were jealous. Any signs of aging that Octavia carried were magical, and when she and Nick went out together like to the Hogswatch dinner or the State of the Kingdom address, she dropped all signs of aging and dusted her face with powder to make it look like she was heavily made up.

"We need you to know that you are in a unique situation," said Space. "No other wizard or witch has slowed their personal flow of time, so we will be keeping an eye on you to make sure it doesn't affect quantum."

Octavia knew that quantum was an excuse that wizards and scientists used to sound like they're knowledgeable and in control but really had no idea what was going on. "I promise that I will not use my powers to effect the laws of quantum and I will not meddle in the affairs of state unless asked."

"HMM.. THAT WOULD BE A PROBLEM," muttered Death.

Octavia looked down at little Gwendolyn, she was snuggled down for a nap, safe in Mommy's arms and sighed in the comfort and protection that Mommy provided. "Just as long as my family is left alone." She thought of that horrible day nearly a decade ago when she and little Marlon were sent into the Dungeon Dimension by an evil wizard and shook her head. The ideas of what she could do with an evil wizard filled her mind. If anything, she's dedicated to removing those wizards from the discworld.

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It was all too marvelous for Archchancellor Sebastian Dashwood. The smell of steam! The perfume of burning coal was all so wonderful! So brilliant! "Bursar! Come with me, it's time to board now, grab the bags, there's a good chap." Even though the Archchancellor has made this journey several times in the past, this time it was for business and the University was paying the tab. Unfortunately, the Ramtops Challenger no longer has first class cars, but it still has a parlor car which he intended to spend the trip enjoying.

His previous trips were only to Sto Lat, two stops down the line, he went to visit with an ailing relative and only stayed long enough to catch the next train back to Ankh-Morpork. This time he's traveling all the way to the rail's end at Hot Dang in Lancre then ride the Narrow Guage all the way to Überwald, which should be a jolly good time.

"ALLLLL ABOOOOOARD!" called the conductor and Sebastian had to stop taking iconographs of the locomotive, a brutish looking 4-6-2 Circle Sea class monster that was tasked with delivering him safely to Hot Dang. "Come along Bursar!" He called, and they boarded shortly before the locomotive's whistle blew and they were underway.

The parlor car was sumptuous, the seats were comfortable and there was a car matron there with coffee and tea at the ready. Soon the Archchancellor and Bursar were playing a spirited game of Cripple Mr. Onion with a fellow pair of travelers. Both were beautiful women; one has lips as red as her eyes and an Überwald accent. The other was small, cute, and athletic, with light blond hair.

"Vare are you goink to, Archchancellor?" asked the red eyed woman as she opened the hand with a Queen of Staves and a ten of Coins for a bagel.

"My first stop will be in Überwald, I hope to talk to the head of the von Überwald family, and the low queen of the Dwarves." The Archchancellor countered the exotic looking woman's bagel with a ten of swords and an ace of cups for a double onion.

"Do you vish to open a university annex in Überwald?"

"Oh, heavens no, I just want to talk to Ladies Serafine and Margolata von Überwald. I'm uh... investigating the political climate between Überwald and Lancre, primarily with the Duchy of Wægn."

The exotic looking woman's cute, blond traveling companion countered the Archchancellor's double onion with five and six of cups and a seven of staves, a triple onion.

"You are in luck Doktor Dashwood, I am Lucricia von Überwald, Serafine ist mine niece und I must vorn you, she ist ein bitch. She ist leader uff ze von Überwald clan but she leafs ze international relations to me." She waggled an eyebrow at the Archchancellor and said, "Maybe you haff heard uff mine library?"

"Why yes!" gushed the Archchancellor, "my librarian is jealous of your collection. Maybe we can set up a lending agreement between libraries?" It's no secret that Lady Lucricia has the most extensive magical library on the discworld and that her butler is a Chief Master Librarian.

"Ve coult talk about zat, but one vunders, vy schult ein vizard travel overland on ze train rather than yooss L-Space to arrive in Überwald in seconds?"

"Because, dear lady, travel by train is my fondest desire and I want to take the narrow-gauge train from Hot Dang to Überwald before the AM&SP tears up the narrow gauge and goes to standard gauge."

Lady Lucricia raised an eyebrow. "You are ein, how do you say, foamer?"

"I am proud to admit, I am very much the foamer."

Lady Lucricia smiled and pulled the latest copy of the Ankh-Morpork & Sto Plains Hygienic Railway Trainspotters Gazette out of her impossibly tiny handbag. "I prefer ze term Train Nut. Ven you haff verevolf blood you avoid ze term 'foaming.' People vorry about verevolves who foam at ze mouth."

The game of Cripple Mr. Onion was quickly forgotten and the two train nuts were comparing Icons of the trains they had seen. The Archchancellor's Iconograph was still processing the icons he had taken at the Ankh-Morpork terminal as fast as the imp inside the iconograph could paint them. Meanwhile their traveling companions started a conversation that they could understand. "I am Reginald Nutt, I'm the Bursar at the Unseen University. I basically do everything that the archchancellor says he's going to do."

"I'm Annabelle Prescott, I'm chief of detectives for the Wægn Highway Watch. I was just attending a lecture that Captain Cheery Littlebottom was holding at Pseudopolis Yard. Lady Lucricia is my grandmother and insists on traveling on the train with me. She says it's not safe for me to travel alone. I said 'Grandma! I've been a cop for over fifteen years and I'm a werewolf, I think I can handle myself.' But she said no." Annabelle looked at her grandmother comparing the icons she took with the Archchancellor. "Now I know why she came with."

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Octavia suddenly jerked as she returned to the timestream which startled Queen Magrat. "I need to talk to Nick, can you keep an eye on the kids?"

"Of course, is something wrong?"

"Somebody is alive," said Octavia and she started to run, then she realized she still had Gwendoline in her arms and had a huge baby bag hanging off her shoulder, so she slowed down. Slowing down allowed her to think about the situation and she realized that she forgot to ask Queen Magrat where the king and her husband would be. Worst of all, she just realized that she asked the queen, wife of her sovereign lord, to watch her kids.

She knew that they would be in secure areas so she headed downstairs and walked up and down the halls. She saw a familiar office and poked her head in. In the gloom she could see a skeleton wearing a breastplate and helmet sitting in an office chair. "Hello Stan."

"Good morning duchess," said the skeleton. "Or should I say princess... it fits on you. What are you doing in the dungeon?"

"I'm looking for Nick. Have you seen my husband?"

"Not this morning." Suddenly shouts from further down the hallway filled the air. Then another voice joined the shouting.

"They're still alive?" asked Octavia.

"Orrell Slipspring and Placid Cadence, the two leaders of the coup are still with us," said the skeletal guard. "Silas Singe died two years ago."

"Thank you, I'll stop by later for a chat but for now I have to go," said Octavia as she rose.

Stan gestured with his head to the two prisoners down the hall. "Thank you for coming here naked, it truly brightens my day." With a nod of his head Octavia knew what he was up to.

"Well, the upper floors are so warm today, I felt the urge to strip off my clothes and come down here and cool off." She hated those bastards and she knew this was torture of the worst kind. She knew that Orrell Slipspring wanted her in the worst way.

"The years have been very kind to your figure, you should be proud of your breasts," said Stan. "They're still as firm as they were ten years ago," which was the truth.

"They're so big, they're really an annoyance, but Nick loves them, he'll play with them all night long," she said as she turned to leave. That was also the truth.

"May I say, your ass is perfection, my lady. It truly makes me sad that I am dead."

"Thank you Stan, that was so sweet to say."

Stan knew that the two bastards that caused the death of so many people heard every word, because he heard Placid Cadence, former Prime Minister say, "You're an unbelievable bastard Stan."

She was in the dungeon because she remembered that Verence said that he was going to review standing treaties with Nick, and she believed that they would be in the secure library which was dungeon level. Eventually she found it, the vault where all the truly important documents were stored. Treaties, and classified battle plans were kept here along with the documents that made Lancre what it is. Documents like the Declaration of Dependence where the people of Lancre demanded that the king stop handing out political freedoms and start acting like a king.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," gasped Octavia, "but... I just discovered that your father is alive."

"Grandpa Stein?" asked Marlon. The lad had a look of happy expectation because he didn't know the story, neither his dad nor his grandmother told him the full story of Ivo Stein.

"You're positive," said Nick. It was a statement; he rarely questions Octavia.

"Yes, and he's in Creel Springs. He went into the Bare Bear asking about you. I saw where Trei told him to check across the street at the watch house."

Nick just pondered the situation; he was sure the Highway Watch would send word to him. Clacks! We need clacks in Creel Springs. A clacks station could... "Excuse me, I need to send a clacks." He followed Octavia out of the vault and upstairs then she followed him to the clacks office at the front corner of the castle. That office has an inside window and an outside walk-up window which allows the castle and Lancre businesses to use the same clacks tower. He sent a very quick clacks to the Ankh-Morpork watch requesting all wants and warrants on Ivo Stein. Semaphore towers set up across the continent sent Nick's request to Ankh Morpork. Once the clacks request was sent Nick turned to Octavia and gave her a kiss. "I gotta fly."

"Ok, be back quick."

As Octavia headed back to the meditation garden, Nick stepped outside and suddenly an eagle took his place and began to flap its wings, climbing hard, he couldn't keep his king waiting. He crossed over the pass on Breeders Peak with inches to spare then dove downward into the valley. Normally he'd keep an eye on his cottage and farm but right now he's got to pass a message. He spread his wings and halted his downward plunge then circled the yard of the Highway Watch and transformed to his human body in the watch barn and stepped out and stopped a young constable. "Constable!"

"Yes, your grace," said the young Watch member with a salute. "Probationary Constable Derek Nightly, sire!"

Good gawds, this kid is barely older than Marlon. Nick sighed and trusted the young man. His uniform was far too large for him, but he wore it with pride. "Do you know if Ivo Stein is still in the watch house?"

"Yes, your grace."

"Tell the sergeant and commander to lock him up, he's charged with assault and battery and felonious child abandonment. The duke will hold judgement tomorrow at noon."

"Aye yer grace," and as the probationary constable watched, the duke change to a falcon that took off through the trees. That's not something you'd see every day, so the constable was quite impressed. Then suddenly remembering his task he entered the watchhouse and came up behind the desk sergeant, "Sergeant Svenson, a word?"

Sven Svenson turned only to see the young constable, Dereck Nightly, step away from him. "Did you find him or not Sergeant?" demanded Ivo Stein from his seat in the waiting area.

Dereck stopped with his back to Ivo and waited for the Sergeant to come face him. Watch House Rule #1, when speaking about someone under suspicion in the facility, turn your back to him. Captain Preston believes there are too many lip readers in Lancre. Very quietly Probationary Constable Nightly said, "I spoke with the duke, he said to hold Mister Stein on charges of assault and battery, and felonious child abandonment. He will hold judgement tomorrow at noon."

"Thank you, constable!" said Sergeant Svenson almost cheerfully. For the first time he didn't call Dereck Nightly "Probie." Smiling the Sergeant stepped up to Ivo and said, "Good news, I've arranged a meeting between you and this... what was his name... Pommy Stein?"

Ivo stood up and said, "It's about time you found him, when?" Before he realized what was happening, he was spun around, and Sven slapped handcuffs on him.

"Tomorrow at noon. Ivo Stein you are charged with assault and battery, and felonious child abandonment. Anything you say will be used against you at first opportunity. You have the right to be silent, I suggest for the good of your teeth you exercise that right."

"I want a lawyer."

"Won't do you any good, the lawyers in this area hate Morporkers." And Sven led him off to the holding cells in the basement.

As Dereck went back outside and headed over to the stables he passed a weepy blond girl, Annette Prescott. Her dad Captain Preston Prescott was trying to dry her tears as she wept, "But I miss him!"

"He will be here tomorrow, he's coming hunting with us," said Preston.

"Then I'm going hunting too!" Annette insisted.

"You won't like hunting, it's cold and wet and..."

"I'm going hunting too!" and that was that. She stomped off to find boots that she could wear in the morning. Captain Prescott stood and shook his head. She's so like her mother.

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As the Ramtops Challenger pulled into the station at Hot Dang, Archchancellor Dashwood was sharing his Iconographs of their crossing of the Amala Creek Canyon Trestle, a two-hundred-foot-tall creation of timbers and luck. He leaned far out of the vestibule to get an icon of the train crossing the curved trestle, about six brakemen were on the roofs of the cars as they crossed the deep canyon making for a dramatic shot. "By jove, this one will make the AM&SP Gazette!" he cried, and he had his imp paint a second copy for Lucricia von Überwald.

All too soon they stopped at Hot Dang. "It was good to meet you Archchancellor," said Annabelle Preston as they shook hands.

"You're not traveling to Überwald with your grandmother?" asked the bursar as he shook hands with Annabelle.

"Oh gosh no, my Watch house is in Creel Springs, and I have to get back to work. The duchess just had a baby and I want to see how they're doing!" She hopped on the police carriage that had arrived to take her back to Creel Springs. "Does anyone else want a ride to Creel Springs?" and three people took her up on her offer and piled into the police carriage.

"Well, have a safe trip," said the Bursar.

"What fun is that?" said a grinning Annabelle and she took the reins from the young constable that was tasked with transporting her home. With an echoing crack of her buggy whip, the police special raced off. What Reginald Nutt didn't know was that it was the other travelers that needed the wish for safety. Annabelle planned to set the speed record for one hour between Hot Dang and Creel Springs, normally a two-hour journey.

Soon the bursar and the Archchancellor were boarding the tiny narrow-gauge train as they found their small wicker seats, and soon they were under way. The little "tea kettle" 2-6-0 locomotive was soon chugging up the Gjorgiev River valley that will become a canyon with the shoulders of Bear Mountain on one side and Copperhead on the other.

Just as he started wondering what happened to his traveling companion, Lady Lucricia appeared in the car and asked, "Vould you prefer riding in mine private car?"

"A Private Car?" gasped the Archchancellor. "You need not ask twice!"

The private car was like a smaller version of the parlor car they rode in on the Ramtops Challenger, but more ornate and an odd looking fellow with three arms mixing drinks. "Igor," said Lady Lucrecia, "make that drink for the Archchancellor and his bursar that you recently invented.

"Yeth madam," said Igor and he began juggling bottles and tossing ice cubes in the air, soon knives started flailing as garnishes were chopped and flipped into glasses. Ice tinkled, mixer splashed, alcohol of different types gurgled their way into the glasses followed by a healthy dash of scumble. The show was an amazing feat of advanced applied mixology topped with burbling fizz. Igor finished and handed the glasses to Lucricia, Sebastian Dashwood, and the bursar Reginald Nutt. Igor added a new arm several years earlier which made serving drinks to three people quite easy.

The Archchancellor studied his drink. It was cloudy with bits of something floating around, the garnishes floated on top including bits of vegetables, fruits, and fruit rinds. Bubbles slowly worked their way to the surface and popped emitting a tiny cloud of olive green smoke. It looked like a liquid trash heap. "What do you call this concoction?"

"I call thith, The Ankh River, marthter."

Immediately the Archchancellor reassessed his drink, Igor was right, it almost exactly resembled the Ankh River. Archchancellor Dashwood now had a little piece of home in his hand. Some say the Ankh is a river because it moves slightly faster than its banks, others say that the Ankh isn't a river because you can't drown in it. Their detractors say that you can suffocate. It has been said that the Ankh is the only river known to any civilization in any universe where cops can draw a chalk outline when a corpse is found in the river. He took a sip and found that it tasted a bit like the Ankh, and it had a similar kick.

The bursar was a more refined chap, being from old money Ankh. It was a bit of a disappointment to his family that he went into wizarding rather than the family coffee and tea importing business like his father and his grandfather. However, Reginald Nutt had a plan that would set the business world on its ear when he applied the lessons learned at the Unseen University to the business world. Without thinking he took a large gulp of that drink and the last thing he remembered was taking that gulp.

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Soul Cake Tuesday is the first of the three Soul Cake Days. They're held after the last half-moon of Sektober which is a little later than usual this year. Soul Cake Days always opens with the start of Duck Season, and in Lancre duck season is highly anticipated. There are very few small lakes for ducks to congregate in the mountains so Nick having a great big pond on his property assures the Worblehat-Stein family a duck dinner, if he can hit one.

The only weapons allowed in the field are a knife, bow, longbow or crossbow, anything else in the field like a net or a bazooka is strictly forbidden. Last year a fellow from Ankh-Morpork came out duck hunting with a mortar that fired a net out onto the duke's pond. At the crack of sunrise, he squeezed the trigger and netted 20 fine mallards. As he hauled in his catch several watchmen came up and assisted hauling the ducks to shore and led him into the duke's court. The duke fined him 50 dollars for trespassing and confiscated all the ducks for the King's duck dinner, after the guilty party plucked and cleaned all 20 ducks.

It was still dark as the king's carriage crested Breeders Peak Pass and picked up their Wægn Highway Watch escort. Annette Preston slid off the back of her father's horse and hopped in the carriage and snuggled up on Marlon's lap. Poor Marlon looked completely embarrassed, but he also felt elated at the reunion with Annette and they snuggled close. It's been almost 50 hours since he's seen her last, a near eternal time. Nick, King Verence and Lord Harmon Howitzer, the Baron of Thrash and Lord Ignatz von Windemere the Baron of Überskeld chuckled but Nick warned them she might show up.

Ten years ago, Harmon Howitzer was named Baron of Thrash and moved into Thrash House, and Ignatz von Windemere was given the Barony of Überskeld. It was the biggest shakeup of royals since the disc had seen the overthrow of the king of Ankh. Stormchester also got a new Viscount, viscount Derron Mauld. However, Harmon Howitzer and Ignatz (Iggy) von Windemere found corruption on massive scales, the previous tenants drained their house coffers which left Harmon and Iggy to start with nothing. Nick has helped when he could, but he couldn't let the majority of Wægn suffer, especially now that the Highway Watch was up and running and plans were being made for a medical center. Nick gave Thrash and Überskeld a one-year tax holiday like he did with Wægn and those financial breaks helped. The next year Howitzer and Windemere did an outstanding job and the three men learned quickly to work together.

"Hi!" giggled Annette.

"Good morning, Annie," said Nick. "I didn't expect to see you before we reached the bottom of the hill."

"I love being up here as the sun comes up," she said as she tried to hide her face behind Marlon's neck.

"Who is our new passenger?" asked Harmon Howitzer.

No one said anything until a voice from under the seat said, "The future duchess of Wægn."

"REMY!" cried Annette, but a snickering laugh could be heard coming from under the seat.

"You'll be taking over for our fair Octavia?" asked Ignatz von Windemere.

Annette continued to try to hide her face behind Marlon, but Marlon very confidently said, "We'll be ready to take over the minute Dad is ready for us." Annette nodded her head and her blond hair cascaded along with her nods.

"How long have you two been engaged?" asked Iggy von Windemere.

Annette and Marlon looked at each other until Annette said, "I don't know, forever?"

"They have been inseparable since the day she was born," said Preston from his horse pacing the carriage that finally reached the base of the pass.

"From the day she was born?" asked an incredulous Harmon Howitzer.

"I delivered her," said Nick. She met me, then her mommy, then her daddy, then she met Marlon, and has been ignoring mommy and daddy and me ever since."

"Ain't that the truth," grumbled Preston.

"She makes a good farm hand," said Nick.

Indicating Marlon, Preston said, "That guy's a wiz at paperwork."

"Oh really?" grinned Nick. It may be time to start introducing Marlon to the paperwork side of being the duke. Before they could discuss this, they were at the stop point and everyone hopped out. And Marlon and Annette grabbed Marlon's gear and they were gone.

The nobles laughed but when it came to duck hunting, they watched in shock as Marlon and Annette got their limit of six ducks quickly and had their catch plucked and cleaned by the time that the King called an end to the hunt. Together they were a duck hunting machine. When the nobles' attempts at retrieving their ducks drove the other ducks away, they drove the other ducks right into Annette's sights.

This was the first time that Iggy had gone hunting with them and he was shocked that the duke's dog refused to retrieve the ducks he shot. "Go get your own damn duck," growled Remy as he watched the fun from behind Nick.

"He's not a retriever," chuckled Nick.

"I'm a wolf. If you put a dead animal in my mouth, I got lunch."

But like most people, Iggy von Windemere's brain refused to believe that Remy said what he heard. "I suppose a wolf would not make a real retriever, he'd just eat our ducks," said Iggy.

Remy looked up at Nick and groaned and got up and walked over to where Annette and Marlon were sitting plucking their ducks. He could get some appreciation over there, and maybe some duck guts. Eventually the king and Nick had caught their limit while Iggy and Harmon had five. The sun was high and the ducks that had overnighted on the pond had flown off. Annette took one of their ducks and one of Nicks and walked over to the bunkhouse with Marlon and gave the two ducks to the farm hands before walking into the village. The king and his hunting party gathered in the Bare Bear Pub for some hot mulled cider fortified with rum.

Eventually, hearing the hoopla from the pub, a Watch constable came over with an envelope. He gave it to Nick who opened it and looked at the documents. "Thank you, constable, tell the desk sergeant I will be holding court at noon."

"Yes sir!" The constable saluted and dashed over to the Watch house to let the sergeant know.

"Get your drink and food now!" cried Ena, the barmaid. "There won't be any service during court!" Ena has taken to serving cold sandwiches, which has really helped business. The sandwiches are usually something like egg salad or ground pork with mayonnaise for 25p. While the sandwiches don't make a lot of money on their own, the drink purchased to wash them down has improved.

Finally, Ena called out "Last Order!" and a line requesting beer and a sandwich formed at the bar. The dartboards were closed, and people began to line the walls. This was serious, the barons who manage the new portions of Wægn were here. The king was here too! And he was dressed in muddy hunting togs like Nick and the barons easing the hearts of the people of Creel Springs. Their Nick has turned the king into a Real Guy, not some posh toff that sits on a throne and sips champagne all day.

{King Verence II was never a posh toff, he was born a poor illegitimate child and forced into training with the fool's guild to become a court jester. The fool's guild crushed any sense of humor he had, and while Nick couldn't restore his sense of humor, the king did learn to appreciate fun}

It was a strange court day, there were only three cases but each one touched Nick. "Marlon, could you read the rules?"

"Y-yes," Marlon agreed because his dad asked him, but he was terrified. Even though his dad was the duke, he was still a ten-year-old boy standing up in the duke's court.

"I can help," said Annette and she banged her empty mug on the table until the crowd quieted down.

"I call this session of court to order, Prince Worblehat-Stein, Miss Preston, could you read the orders," called out Nick.

Calling him Prince caught Marlon by surprise and Annette settled his nerves with that sweet deep dimple smile of hers and a kiss, then he and Annette began to read together. "Court is now in order. During court there will be no speaking without permission to include cheering, booing, or any other noise made to distract the proceedings. There will be no refreshments sold or served unless the duke calls a break. Wagering on the trials or participants is not allowed. If there is any wagering discovered, participants in the wager will be tried by the duke for failure to obey these orders."

Nick said, "bring on the first case," and picked up a document from the stack as the officer from the watch called "Carlton Ladyman, drunk and disorderly and making a public nuisance."

Nick looked up and saw the highway man that tried to rob him and Octavia over eleven years ago. Ever since that day he's been in the duke's employ until he decided to try his hand at mining. "Carl? Aww

Carl," he said sadly. "What the... what's going on Carl?"

"Well..." Carl looked absolutely ashamed. "I ain't never lost a job before and I got to drinking..."

"Awww Carl," Nick was truly heartbroken. "Carl, why didn't you plead guilty, it's only a day cleaning the police stable."

"I wanted to see you, your grace. I ain't seen you in a cow's age and you're so busy..."

"Was there any damage?" asked Nick.

"No sir," called Ena from behind the bar. "He was just too rowdy, yer grace."

"We'd like to speak for Carl, sir." Nick looked up and saw Axemir and Eryri, the dwarves who ran the mine that laid off Carl. "He was a very good employee, but we had to lay off with the winter coming. You know how it is your grace, we let everyone go, we don't want anyone trapped by the snow."

Nick looked at his former bandit and farm hand... he was lonely and got drunk. "Carl, I hate to do it, but the law is clear and I have to find you guilty and sentence you to two weeks labor at my farm at half pay. Get over to the bunk house and get your assignment from Dexter and I'll be home on Friday, and we'll talk."

"Thank you, your grace," said Carl and he bowed and backed away. Nick winked at Axemir, they were laying off for the winter, his friends would be back in the gatehouse soon. He missed the company of the dwarves, Axemir, Eryri, and their son Trystan.

"Oh, and Carl..."

"Yes m'lord?"

"Welcome home Carl."

The big highwayman began to tear up and tried to hide it. "Thank you m'lord."

"Who's next?" asked Nick.

A constable led a roughed up young wizard to stand in front of Nick.

"Reggie?" gasped Annabelle. She turned to Preston and said, "That's the guy I was playing Cripple Mister Onion against."

"He finally settled on an identity, your grace," said the Constable. "He claims to be Reginald Nutt, bursar of the Unseen University. He said he was riding on train 27 to Überwald when a guy named Igor made him a drink and that's the last thing he remembers."

"What is he charged with?" asked Nick.

"Vagrancy, public intoxication, mopery, creeping with the intent to crawl."

"Did he cause any damage? Hurt anybody?" asked Nick.

"No sir, we found him wandering around the far side of Bear Mountain drunk, so we brought him in before the snow set in."

"Mister Nutt, how did you get out there?"

Reg Nutt looked completely hung over. "I don't know, I was riding with the Archchancellor and Lady Lucricia invited us into her private car and some guy named Igor made us a drink and..."

"Did Igor tell you what he put in the drink?"

"No sire, he just called it the Ankh River."

"Say no more," said Nick. "Innocent," and he banged his mug on the tabletop causing the bursar to wince. "I've had Igor's drinks. Now we must find your Archchancellor."

"He wants to speak with you too, your grace," said Mr. Nutt

"We'll talk when we find him, all we can do is patrol the roads. Who is next?"

"Ivo Stein, he's charged with assault and battery and felonious child abandonment," said the constable that held Ivo. "We also have an extensive list of warrants on this guy from Ankh Morpork.

The king and Nick changed positions and Marlon stood up and reading from a slip of paper his father gave him announced, "His royal majesty King Verence the Second will try this suspect.

"How do you plead Mr. Stein?" asked the king.

Ivo's eyes grew wide in shock, the King was going to try him? "Innocent. I didn't do nothing like that."

"Mister Stein, I am Verence II the king of Lancre. Lying to me is punishable by death. Your son and your former wife are subjects of mine, and they tell a different story. Let's try that again. How do you plead Mr. Stein?"

Ivo looked back and forth between the king and Nick, both were wearing mud splattered hunting clothes, Nick as normal was wearing his crockelgator skin eye patch and his beard hasn't been trimmed in a while, is it possible that Ivo recognized him? "I don't rightly remember your majesty; it was a long time ago..."

"Your victims still wear the scars of your violence. Alongside that, you have multiple wants and warrants from Ankh-Morpork for numerous acts of violence. They send us the following advice, and I quote, lock the bastard up and throw the key away."

Baron Harmon Howitzer looked at the wants and warrants sheets from Ankh-Morpork and said, "How did this guy get away with this? Why is he still walking the street? Copperhead."

Ignatz von Windemere looked at the document and shook his head. "Good gawds man, is it possible that there is a law that you may have accidentally obeyed? I can't allow someone like this on the streets of my barony, Copperhead," he agreed.

"Wait a minute," Ivo cried, "there's a wossname, Statue of Limits, yeah, that's it, the Statue of Limits. You can't try me for that."

"There is no statute of limitations for the assault and battery of a helpless woman or abandoning a young child," said King Verence. "Two of your victims are my subjects and I'm not going to risk their future by letting you walk free."

"Gods damn it!" started Ivo Stein but Nick shut him down immediately.

"This man is the only thing keeping you alive, so you better show some gratitude," Nick advanced on Ivo and said, "When the king and I discussed this trial he asked me not to execute you, and I agreed, but I didn't agree to not seriously wounding you. If you're nice and quiet you're going to spend the rest of your life working in a mine under Copperhead Mountain, and you're never going to see your grandchildren because I'm ashamed to have you as a father. Constable, take him away."

After the commotion of the trial was over Marlon and Annette came up to Nick and Marlon said, "Was that my grandpa?"

"No," said Nick. "Grandpa infers someone nice like Trei Metsker or Sieffre Merrick. He's a nasty old street rat from the Shades in Ankh-Morpork that raped your grandma."

"What did he do that was so awful?" asked Annette.

Nick refused to say anything, but the King set a pint of ale in front of Nick and said, "tell him, as sad as it is, it's part of his heritage."

Nick sat down at a table and Marlon and Annette sat down next to him. "When I was a little kid, he used to beat your Grandmother Catrin viciously. I was little and I was used to going hungry for days because he beat her so badly, she couldn't get up to feed me. I learned quickly not to cry when I was hungry, or he'd hit me too. I just laid in bed with her hoping he didn't beat us, because he would if I made any noise."

"How old were you?" asked Annette.

Nick shrugged. "I don't know. Little. Maybe three or four, but it started sooner. One day he beat your grandma so badly that she crawled away and never came back. I asked him where mother went, and he said that she died. I will take the memory of her crawling off to find help with me to the grave... She promised she would be right back but I didn't want to see her getting beaten up anymore. From that point on I was always hungry because he wouldn't feed me but on Hogswatch eve not long after mom left, he said, 'Let's go see Hogfather' and we took a cab, and he stopped behind the Unseen University and told me to get out. It was cold and rainy, and I didn't have a coat so I wouldn't get out. He came around to my side of the cab and pulled me out and threw me as hard as he could into a wall..." Nick stopped and stared at his ale. The thought of letting that piece of shit walk away with only life at hard labor was making him sick. "I was five."

Marlon looked shattered, no wonder why his dad never talked about his past. "What happened?" asked Annette.

"When I woke up, he was long gone. I ran around the city crying and looking for him. He was awful, but he was the only family I had. I crawled under a crate and lay there shivering and a puppy came up to me and started licking me and he snuggled up to me because he was lonely and sad too. He asked me to be his friend. We stayed together for years until someone stole him."

"That was Gaspode, wasn't it," said Remy who put his forepaws on the table.

"He was more family to me than that pitiful excuse for a man," said Nick as he scratched Remy behind the ears. He took a deep breath then looked at Annette and said, "You had better pack a bag if you're coming back to the castle with us." Annette looked stunned then squealed and ran to her mother who nodded, and Annette darted across the street to pack.

On her way to the house, she bumped into the two guards that were leading Ivo Stein to the wagon that would take him to Copperhead. Don Neumann and Wayne Metsker were now sergeants in charge of the prisoners and normally they treated the prisoners with respect and maybe a little humor, 95% of the prisoners were their neighbors incarcerated for a minor infraction. They weren't very happy about this one, especially when Ivo looked at every Creel Creek policeman's little sister and yelled, "Hey honey! Let's see what choo got, huh? Come on baby shake it and maybe I'll show you a good time."

Annette stopped, her blond hair in curls and ribbons glowed in the weak autumn sunlight. She turned and stepped up to Ivo and without warning punched him in the nose with all the strength and fury that she could muster, and it was quite a bit. Her punch broke his nose and drove him back against the police wagon. With a flash her fingernails were at his throat. "You will never speak to me or anyone else born in this village." Her voice had a strange power behind it, and most terrifying, for some reason she appeared to be a wolf to Ivo.

Stricken, Ivo could only scream, but he couldn't say anything to his guards, they were both born and raised in Creel Springs. Finally the desk sergeant Sven Svenson came out to see what the commotion was and found Ivo covered with blood that ran from his nose and Ivo found he could talk to Sven. "That blond punched me!" he cried.

Sven just burst out laughing, "Ja sure, yoo got yoor nose broke by a ten year old girl. Uff da! Yoo sure can tell the big ones by golly!"

"I think I put a curse on him," said Annette, "I told him to never speak to anyone from Creel Springs ever again.

"Is that right?" Wayne asked Ivo who could only twist against the grip of the two young men. "Tell you what old man, if you ask me nicely, I will see that charges are brought against the chief of police's daughter."

Ivo glared at Wayne.

"Come on you dried up abusive piece of crap," said Don Neumann, "You beat small women and tiny children, you could at least say 'yes, press charges,' come on!"

"I really don't mind," said the little girl, "that way you don't have to go to prison where everyone knows that a little bitty girl beat the crap out of you and scared you so bad you shit your pants."

Ivo just glared at the two sergeants and the two children, then he looked at Sven and said, "Do I have to put up with this crap? Yes, I want to press charges!"

"I didn't see anything," said Sven. "Get him out of here."

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It seemed to Tudful Felmet that Baroness Viktorija Singe was the greatest asset that she's ever met. The hate that Tudful has for King Verence is equaled by Viktorija Singe's hate for Duke Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein. Tudful found Viktorija Singe wandering through the dark Überwald forests, on the run from vengeful Lancre crowds. She dragged the exhausted Viktorija Singe into the cave that she has been living in for the past 30 years and reviewing the documents that the exhausted woman was carrying, the crowds had good reason to chase her. Baroness Viktorija Singe and her husband Silas were involved in many business dealings that the crown would bring to an end with a noose if they were caught.

"Who are you?" Viktorija asked the crone.

"I am Duchess Tudful Felmet, the rightful ruler of Lancre. I was chased out of the palace by that fool, a FOOL is on the throne!" her anger peaked again, and she ranted and raved for a few minutes. Tudful's spineless husband Leonal Felmet was the cousin of King Verence I, the sitting king's father. He finally gained a spine and killed his cousin, King Verence I, by stabbing him in the back. Verence died when he fell down a flight of stone steps, but Leonal Felmet went insane with guilt before he could legitimize his claim to the throne. "Then those meddling witches discovered that the court fool was an heir to the throne!" shrieked Tudful. Those meddling witches were Granny Weatherwax, Nanny Ogg, and Magrat Garlick who became the queen.

"He is a fool," groused Viktorija Singe. "He's listening to a short, one eyed gutter rat from the shades in Ankh-Morpork and ignoring nobles that have decades of experience. He could be using that throne to generate a fortune in gold for him and his court." She told Tudful about Nithe Skelm and how Nick and Octavia saved Verence's throne and how her husband eventually died in the dungeon.

"My husband thought he was a ghost and took a walk off the castle battlements," growled Lady Felmet. She looked at a map of Lancre. "I can get a force into Lancre Town and into the castle through the Hooknee Valley on the hubward side of town, but how long will it take him to get reinforcements?"

Former Baroness Singe pointed to a map of Lancre and grinned. "Here, right here is Verence's weak point." She pointed to Creel Springs, deceptively close to Lancre Town. In a straight line it's less than a mile, but you have to cross Breeders Peak Pass, that adds eight miles.

"How is that his weak point?" asked Former Duchess Tudful Felmet.

"That's where the gutter rat, his friend and advisor lives and rules the Duchy of Wægn," snarled Viktorija. "There is a ridge here between them, it would take a day for a force to climb that ridge. Now, if you bring a force up the Gjorgiev River Valley on the Hubward side of Bear Mountain you'll draw the gutter rat's attention, and he'll send what people he has hubward. While all of his people are moving hubward you bring a force up the main road and hit Creel Springs behind his back. The king will send his men over Breeders Peak Pass to bail out the gutter rat. As soon as they engage the force in Creel Springs, your main force comes up the Hooknee Valley. With everyone in Creel Springs, no one is in Lancre to protect the throne, make it yours."

"You've spent a lot of time thinking about this," said Tudful.

"Ten years," said Viktorija.

"If you want my help and protection you must first pay homage to me," cackled the crone who was now seated on an old bench her back leaning against the cave wall. She slowly hoisted her robes exposing her bandy, ancient legs, which were now spread revealing her primeval cunt that was mostly hidden in a riot of gray hair.

Viktorija sighed; she knew what was expected of her. She spent years sucking the baron's cock, how different is this? She knelt between Tudful's spread knees and leaned forward, but Tudful found her to be too slow and grabbed her head and pulled her forward, mashing her lips and mouth to her ancient cunt. Soon Tudful's cackles became screams as Viktorija showed talents that neither crone knew she had.

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Soul Cake Days were closed with a state dinner at the palace, it was a stately affair with many of the king's court in attendance along with their wives. The guests of honor were from Überwald, the Low Queen of the Dwarves, Blodwen Rhysdottir, the head of the von Überwald clan, Serafine von Überwald and her Aunt Lucricia von Überwald and her fiancé Sebastian Dashwood, the Archchancellor of the Unseen University.

"Well, I suppose we can call off the search parties," said Nick as he had a pre-dinner drink with Sebastian and Lucricia. "We found Reginald Nutt and sent him home on Tuesday."

"Ah yes, Reggie and I spoke about it yesterday. He has sworn off alcohol due to that incident, he said he wanted to take a few icons of the mountains and stepped off the back of Lucy's private car," said Archchancellor Dashwood.

"Lucy?" asked Octavia.

"It's vat my naughty vizard calls me," purred Lucrecia as she wrapped herself around Sebastian's arm.

"Grandma?" Annabelle nearly shrieked as she and Preston entered the room. "When did you get married?"

"Well, actually we were hoping that Duke Worblehat-Stein could do it if he wasn't busy," said Sebastian between sips of his drink.

"As long as both of you are willing, I have no problem with it."

"I'm ready!" said Lucrecia, her red eyes beaming in joy.

"Then let's do it now," said Nick. "Everyone gather 'round!" When the guests and royal couple were arranged Nick lined the couple up so there was an exit facing them. "We're going to have a wedding mountain style. For those of you that are unfamiliar with a Ramtop witch's wedding this is going to be fun."

Many of the people in attendance were not 'mountain folk' even though they grew up in Lancre, they were part of the tiny upper crust that never leaves Lancre Town to get out and visit the little villages clinging to the mountains or surrounded by pastures. They were married in temples or in the palace like "proper" people, not by witches, who perform most of the ceremonies in Lancre.

"For a mountain wedding all you need is a witch and a fiancé, who is hopefully not a cousin. Are we ready?" Lucricia smiled like an embarrassed teenage girl and nodded so Nick started. "Sebastian Dashwood, are you getting married of your own free will? And did you cast a spell on your intended bride?"

"There was no spell needed," said Dashwood. "This is real love."

Nick worried about the Archchancellor, he's spent his life hiding from women and now in three days he's marrying the most aggressive woman that Nick's ever known. "Lucricia von Überwald, are you getting married of your own free will? And did you refrain from biting the archchancellor?"

"This is pure love, dahlink. I haf saved mine bites for tonight." She waggled her eyebrows at the archchancellor.

"Then hold each other's hand and mine," and the three of them held hands. Nick suddenly looked surprised. "You two are related. It's a distant relationship, nothing to stop the wedding but you have a common ancestor."

"My family has been a bit... busy," said Lucrecia.

"I am originally from Lancre," said Sebastian. "I'm from Mad Stoat, and I may even be related to your fair queen."

"Nothing to stop the wedding here. Having passed that, this is the final trial, here's your last chance." Nick stepped aside and said, "There's the exit, if either one of you wants out, here's your chance, no harm, no foul." Neither Sebastian nor Lucrecia moved, so Nick said, "It's ok, if one of you bolts, I'll trip the other one so you can get away."

"I say, we're in it for the long run old chap," said Sebastian. "Could we get on with this?"

"OK but remember this moment in your future, you had three chances to get out of it. From this point on it's permanent. Now hold hands, look in each other's eyes and tell them that you love them, and give them a kiss." As the couple kissed Nick turned to the king and bowed. "Your highness I would like to report a wedding performed on this date between Sebastian Dashwood and Lucricia von Überwald."

As the crowd cheered, Sebastian felt a tug at his robes and looked down to see a small blond girl and her younger brother. "Are you my great-grandpa now?" asked Annette Preston.

Confused, Sebastian looked at Lucricia who smiled and nodded. "These are my großenkel," and she crouched down to hug Annette and Nathan.

"My mom is a wizard too," said the black-haired boy next to Annette. "She turned a guy into a newt."

"Oh ya, Sebastian, zis ist your future great grandson-in-law, Marlon Worblehat-Stein. "His muzzer ist ze duchess und hiz grandmuzzers worked as car matrons on ze Ramtops Challenger."

Sebastian's eyebrows shot up at that. "By jove, I'd like to meet these railroaders!"

"They're busy looking for me right now," giggled the little boy and the three children all ran off laughing.

"Do you feel it?" King Verence asked Nick. "The castle, it loves the children running about, it wants to protect them, it feels happy they're here."

"It does seem to be brighter and more cheery than usual," said Nick.

"The whole kingdom is like that," said Verence. "It loves the holidays, especially Hogswatch, you can feel it. On hot summer afternoons when you have all the children in Creel Springs splashing and playing in your pond, we can feel that over here, we really can. Before you know it there isn't a pond in Lancre Town that isn't following your lead."

The Duke of Wægn's "Pond Parties" had caught on in Lancre. In those rare hot summer days in the mountains, the ponds, creeks and rivers are filled with revelers enjoying summer. Nick tried to stifle his laughter and decided to fly over Lancre Town the next time they have a pool party.

Later that evening Nick and Octavia met with the king and queen along with their friends Lady Margolata, Lady Serafine, Lady Lucricia of the Überwald clan and Low Queen Blodwen Rhysdottir along with Archchancellor Dashwood. Between Nick and Octavia sat their son Marlon who didn't quite understand what was going on but understood the need for him to learn. "So what is the issue, Archchancellor?" Nick asked.

"A couple of weeks ago I was approached by a citizen of Lancre who voiced some concern over the fact that the king chose a witch to be his heir."

"I can pick anyone I want to be my heir," said King Verence firmly. "Kingdoms like Gonim and Chimera require their sovereign to have magical capability to fend off a magical attack."

"This person was worried mostly about the Duke of Wægn and his relationships with surrounding countries," said Archchancellor Dashwood. "We know how he has befriended Duke Lolar Hampton of Warwickshire and maintained their relationship with him through the..." Sebastian searched for the right word.

"Coup d'état?" suggested the King.

"If I may be so bold. How did you do it your grace? Men picked him up in your duchy, took him into custody, and set him in front of a firing squad. That was an act of war! Warwickshire should be at war with Wægn, how did you maintain diplomatic ties to him?"

Nick shrugged. "Honesty, I guess. The first thing was to get him out of the castle, so I asked Octavia to get them out of there and she took him and Colonel Handpipe to the watchhouse in Creel Springs where they received medical attention..." but Octavia was tugging at his arm.

"It was what you said," she said. "When I took them to the watchhouse he thanked me then he asked me if you were always like that. I said, like what? He said, 'When the duke saw us trussed up with his constables, he didn't say these are my men, he said These men are my family.' That's what impressed him most."

"Ok, that and I let him kick my ass at darts once," insisted Nick.

"Was that when I almost got eaten?" asked Marlon.

"Yes, but Mommy protected you," said Nick.

"And daddy brought us back," said Octavia. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to her. She was trapped in the Dungeon Dimension, and she put her baby in a cocoon of protection when the unspeakable beasts attacked. There were horrible things gnawing on the cocoon that she used all her power to maintain in that horrid place, and the only thing keeping her alive was lieutenant Prescott from the watchhouse as he fought back the demons. If Nick had taken any longer to free them from the Dungeon Dimension all three would have been dead. She still wakes up screaming.

"What about Überwald?" asked Sebastian.

"I have no problem with Überwald," insisted Nick. "Your wife and I go way back to when I first got a little magic. I like Überwald and I would like to think that they feel the same way about Wægn."

"He enforces my rule on the dwarves inside his boundaries," said Blodwen Rhysdottir, "which is something the dwarf supervisors don't adequately do. He also ensures that Mr. Shine's rule is obeyed in all the troll quarries. He's a good duke, a good neighbor and a good friend." Mr. Shine is the king of all trolls and Nick has quite a few trolls living in Copperhead.

"Lady Margolata?" asked Sebastian.

"He is pain in ass!, He has screens on all vindows," shrugged the vampire. "but other than that a good neighbor."

The Archchancellor knows what Lady Serafine thinks of Nick, he's married to her aunt now. "Do you have any questions for me?"

"Yeah," said Nick with a smirk. "Tell your Aunt Agness next time to come ask me herself."

"How...?" Sebastian looked shocked.

"I'm a witch," said Nick as he got up. "I love witches, and I love being a witch, but I am without a doubt the only witch that can keep a secret. It sounds like Aunt Agness turned your university on its head."

"Wait until they find out that I'm married," grinned the Archchancellor.

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The years passed gently as Nick, Octavia, Jutta, and Catrin watched the children grow and learn. The little cottage was crowded but it was a joy to have a family of ten living under one roof. Yes there were arguments as the children grew but when your mom can turn you into a newt and sit you in a bowl in the corner until you calm down, arguments were brief.

It was almost a competition between Lou and Loo-Loo versus Exavier and Gwendolyn when it came to learning. Llywellyn and Llywella were a team that always worked together. If Lou was working on the farm, learning to feed the chickens or milk the goat, Loo-Loo was always there at his side working just as hard and learning just as much. If Grandma Jutta was teaching sewing or Grandma Catrin was teaching baking, both twins were there, striving to learn the lessons that were being taught.

Exavier and Gwendolyn were different. They were a team also but not as tightly wound as the twins. Exavier shadowed Nick, everywhere Nick went he was shadowed by Marlon, Exavier and Remy. For her part Octavia was shadowed by Hollie and tiny Gwendolyn. When asked what he wanted to be when he grew up Exavier said, "King," as serious as a four-year-old could be.

One evening Hollie showed the family a new trick, she took her father's dress hat and pulled a live snow-white rabbit out of it. While her brothers, sisters, and grandmothers applauded, Nick and Octavia looked at each other with concern. A brown or gray rabbit wouldn't have bothered them, the hutch is full of brown and gray rabbits, there are no white rabbits anywhere in Lancre, she either conjured it from a great distance or she created it. "Ok, put the bunny back," said Octavia after the kids petted the bunny for nearly a half hour. Both Remy and Annette agreed that it smelled delicious.

"It's mine, I made it," said Hollie with a pout. "I'm going to put it in the garden for Esme." She was speaking of the meditation garden that Octavia created in the palace.

In a whispered conversation Nick and Octavia wondered if she was a magical being, magic user, or a magician {which is merely a good trickster}. "I know she can see death," whispered Nick. "She saw him when Gwen was born."

"Let's ask him here to see who else in our family can see him," said Octavia, and before Nick could protest, she went into the kitchen and soon came out with a liquid in a small glass topped with shaved ice, and a porkchop bone from dinner. "Ok, don't be scared," she told her family who was trying to figure out what she was up to. "Someone will come here, and he will look scary, but he will leave us alone and go away, ok?"

Hollie looked worried and she climbed on her daddy's lap and Nick put his arms around her, and suddenly he had the twins on his lap also. They haven't piled on in ages. Snuggling the three children, Nick nodded to Octavia.

She placed the porkchop bone on the floor and stepped back, holding the drink over the bone. "Death, we need to talk."

It wasn't what she said, it was how she said it. She could have recited the alphabet, it didn't matter, it was the powerful inflection she used. Annette recognized the power in her words, they come out of her on occasion when she is angry. Suddenly a tall figure wearing a black shroud and holding a scythe appeared in the room. Inside the shroud's hood could be seen two pinpoints of brilliant blue. The figure reached out with a skeletal hand, took the drink from Octavia, and sipped it. "YOU HAVE ALWAYS MADE THE PERFECT MARTINI MY DAUGHTER." It turned to look at Nick and bowed deeply. "YOUR MAJESTY."

Nick bowed his head and said, "Sir, it's good to see you when you're not working."

Death sighed, "THOSE DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR APART, I HAVE A CIVIL WAR TO ATTEND LATER THIS WEEK. CIVIL WARS ARE ALWAYS THE WORST." He turned to Octavia and said, "WHAT IS THE REASON FOR THIS VISIT DAUGHTER?"

"I'm trying to see which of my children can see you."

Death looked about the room and saw shocked looks on everyone except Jutta. "I WOULD SAY ALMOST EVERYONE HERE CAN SEE ME." He handed the empty glass to Octavia and bowed. "IF THERE IS NOTHING ELSE, I MUST GO, THE RABBLE HAVE A DISAGREEMENT WITH THE KING OF GENUA AND ARE PLANNING TO END HIS RULE QUITE ABRUPTLY. HE HAS A DIFFERENT PLAN ENTIRELY."

"Thank you," said Octavia as she took the empty glass. Like a mouse can be drawn to a trap with a bit of cheese, Death can be drawn to the Rite of Ashk-Ente with half a pint of gin which he will call a martini.

Before their shocked children said anything, Nick said, "Did anyone NOT see anything?" Only Jutta raised her hand. Nick scooped Gwendolyn who was crying, and Octavia had Exavier. "That was Death. Death comes to everyone and many times he comes to end a person's pain."

Nick's mother Catrin nodded. "I was in a hospital for a very long time, I saw people in pain welcome him." She sniffed and shivered then whispered, "I begged for his caress also."

Jutta put her arm around Catrin and caressed her cheek. "Don't. It's over, we're safe.

"I hate him!" said Holly with a pout.

"He's a part of life as much as breath," said Nick as he soothed Gwendolyn's tears. "We all know what he looks like. He's not our enemy but we want to keep him from taking our people before their time."

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As Nick explained who and what death was with his magically oriented children, another meeting was taking place. In the Copperhead Mountain offices of Drainpipe and Alexandrite Mining Company, Viktorija Singe walked in like she owned the place. "How is it going? You spineless pair of claim jumpers."

"They were never able to make those charges stick," said Alexandrite, a large crystalline blue troll.

It was unusual to see a crystalline troll working in underhanded enterprises. For all their stupidity, trolls are the most intelligent species on the planet. Unfortunately for trolls with mineral impurities in their body and the warm temperatures on most of the discworld their thought processes are slowed down to a slow shuffle. Only truly frigid temperatures allow the synapses in their brains to work at full speed and their thought processes race at blinding speed. Also the clearer that their physical make-up is, plays a huge part of the process. Impurities slow down their thought process. Mr. Shine, a 100% pure diamond troll is brilliant... literally. The light reflecting off of his facets sparkles and shines long after the lights in the room are extinguished. At room temperature Mr. Shine is smarter than a sack of physicists and better yet, he can spell physicist in every written language on the disc.

Therefore, seeing a nearly clear troll whose pure silicone mental synapses were firing on all 16 cylinders working in a position that would run afoul of the law was highly unusual. Like her dead husband, Viktorija Singe never considered the reason why Alexandrite was working in a mining company that was based on stealing other company's work.

"How would you like a claim worth jumping?" asked Viktorija as she dropped a couple rocks on Cadwalader Drainpipes perfectly polished red walnut desk.

Cadwalader looked carefully at the rocks, then got his jewelers loupe out and studied an interesting fat vein in the rock. He looked for a long time then said, "Alex sweetie, taste this."

He tossed one of the rocks to Alexandrite who popped it in her mouth and began to chew. Quickly her eyes lit up. "That's gold! That's not gold ore, that's the real thing!" Alexandrite savored that soft, sweet metallic flavor, nothing tastes as sweet as gold to a troll. An actual vein of gold solves a lot of problems, many times processing gold ore isn't worth the expense and effort, but an actual vein of gold? You just break the rock and heat it up and the gold practically flows out. But she also tasted something else, the quartz to gold ratio was all wrong, this rock wasn't from the Ramtops, it was from a quarry near Bhangbhang Duk, this rock was from the Agatean continent. What was Viktorija up to?

"A gold vein hasn't been seen in a very long time in the Ramtops, all the gold is in Agatea," said Cadwalader. "Where did you find that rock?"

"Right river valley, wrong mountain," said Viktorija as she idly played with Cadwalader Drainpipe's desk calendar.

The dwarf snatched his calendar back from her and said, "the only other dig in the Gjorgiev River valley is the Bear Mountain dig, Axemir and Eryri Stronginthehead's mine. Viktorija answered with a raised eyebrow. "No!" insisted the dwarf. "They're close personal friends with the Duke and Duchess of Wægn, it's not worth the headache."

"They have no idea what they have under their noses. Someday soon, the duke and duchess won't be in the way," said Viktorija. "You just send some of your boys to take it over and you have a gold mine, I just want a small 5% finder's fee."

"People can get killed doing that," said Cadwalader, his long eyebrows lowered. "MY people."

"So what?" asked Viktorija. "YOUR people are all prisoners. They get the idea in their heads that there's gold piled up in Bear Mountain and they get away, you're not responsible for them if they get away. You go in, restore order, and take over operations for the dearly departed owners. What could be simpler?"

"It sounds too easy," said the blue female troll.

"I'm not responsible for how it sounds," shrugged Viktorija. "If you want in, clacks me at this address," and she wrote a clacks post office box number on Cadwalader's precious calendar, "and I will tell you when the duke and duchess are... unavailable. It may be a while so gather your assets." With a smirk the human swung her fat ass as she left.

"I want out," said Alexandrite once Baroness Singe was gone.

"Your debt isn't paid yet," said Cadwalader. The dwarf leaned back in his chair and grinned, he's had his eye on Bear Mountain for a long time, and the Eye of Knute is supposedly still hidden there. "Get me that mountain and we'll consider your debt paid."

"You said that the last time."

"The last time didn't pay off. Just get me that mountain and we'll be even," and the dwarf broke into an evil chuckle. Laying down an agreement that you have no intent of keeping with an underling that you're blackmailing always calls for an evil chuckle. Alexandrite got up and left knowing that she has to do something.

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Finally! A family project all the kids joined in on. Up on the mountain there was a logging road that cut diagonally across the face of the mountain that Marlon was tobogganing on and Marlon built a curve that would turn the toboggan around before hitting the stream and sending you back toward the ancient road up the mountain where you started. He and Hollie were piling up snow to make sides on the toboggan run and then a second turn that would turn you again and send you straight down the hill.

"Ready to try it?" Marlon asked.

Hollie nodded her head vigorously, almost shaking off her stocking cap. "Me too!" cried Lou.

"Me three!" cried Loo-Loo, and they pulled the big toboggan up the hill and placed it on the logging road and hopped on. Snow filtered down through the trees as the toboggan slid at a quick walking pace through the trees getting closer and closer to the stream. Finally the big pile of snow that Marlon and Hollie made turned the toboggan and they were once again traveling diagonally through the trees. This wasn't a logging road they were on now; it was a track made by the toboggan as Marlon and Hollie rode over and over. However, they became bored with ending up nearly where they started and they added one more banked turn.

The last turn Marlon and Hollie made turned the toboggan and directed it straight downhill where it accelerated to an exciting speed then slowed in the new snow and came to a stop in front of the cottage. Lou and Loo-Loo hopped off crying "Do it again! Do it again!"

"Ok, back up the hill!" but Grandma Catrin smiled and said, "Take the little ones with also."

Marlon and Hollie, both teenagers and both used to Exavier and Gwendolin being anchors didn't realize that "the little ones" were almost teens themselves. Marlon was eighteen and entering manhood, Hollie was fifteen and will soon be sixteen and was becoming an accomplished witch, the twins were twelve, Exavier was ten and Gwendolin was nine. "Ok, Ecksie and Gwen, but you have to help pull the toboggan also."

"Yay!" and up the hill they trooped. It seemed to take forever but when they got to the logging road fresh snow put a light cover to the snowy surface. Hollie sat in front to steer, behind her sat the twins, then Exavier and Gwen, followed by Marlon who was the "Brakeman." Marlon arranged his siblings with their legs wrapped around the brother or sister in front of them, their feet were in their sibling's lap. With a push on Gwen's back Marlon climbed on.

"Let's go!" the six of them urged the toboggan forward with their hands and it took them a while to get the toboggan moving but eventually gravity took over and they were sliding among the trees at a sedate rate. "Even grandma would like this," pouted Hollie. With all the kids on they were barely going! Slowly their pace built up and by the time they made the turn at the stream and came back through the woods they were moving a bit quicker this time. When they reached the final turn, they were going quite a bit faster than before. Lou and Loo-Loo were hooting and waving all the way down the hill, and they ended up going quite a bit further than previous runs.

"Grandma Grandma!" cried both Exavior and Gwendolyn and they each ran up to a grandmother and told of their adventure with plenty of hand motions.

"You better hurry up or your brothers and sisters will leave without you," said Grandma Jutta, and the two youngest raced to catch up with their siblings.

Watching almost unseen from the barn, their father and mother's hearts were swollen with love and joy watching their entire family play together. Both Nick and Octavia grew up alone with no siblings and play like this was not part of their past. It was the silent prayer of both Nick and Octavia that this was the start of several fun-loving generations.

Up on the logging road Marlon laced everyone's legs together and got behind the last rider, Loo-Loo and began pushing on her back, "Let's GO!" He got the toboggan up to running speed and hopped on the back, wrapped his legs around Loo-Loo and grabbed the ropes.

"We're really going!" grinned Hollie as she continued to push, push, push with her hands. The toboggan run was nice and slick now, they compacted and polished the snow with their previous passes. When they got to the turn Marlon was afraid that the bank would become a jump ramp, but Hollie shouted, "Everyone lean!"

They came into the turn leaning and they made the corner easy. The next run across the face of the mountain was a steeper incline and the trees were sailing past them. The kids laughed and cheered with each bump and they leaned hard coming into the last turn and found themselves on their side as they roared around the turn.

"WHOA!"

They shot down the straight part of the run at a blistering pace and flashed past the cottage waving to their parents and grandparents who waved at the kids who clung tightly to each other. They came out of the new snow in the meadow and ended up on the packed snow of the mile long road into the village where they began to regain the speed they lost in the meadow.

Nick sighed and said to Octavia, "Care to join me at the pub?"

"Love to," said Octavia.

"Sounds good to us too," said their head farm hand Dexter who just finished repairing a plow.

As they walked past the cottage Nick asked his mother, "Care to join us at the pub?"

Down at the bottom of the hill, Trei Metzger, retired blacksmith now pub owner, was shoveling the walkway in front of the pub when he heard whooping and laughter and looked up and saw a toboggan roaring down the hill loaded with the Duke's children. It was clear that someone was trying to stop because there was a spray of snow at the back of the toboggan, but the laughter was contagious, and the old blacksmith chuckled along with the kids. As his daughter Ena stepped out of the pub Trei pointed up the hill at the children bearing down on them.

"Bloody hell!" cried Ena. "They'll get themselves killed!"

"Then maybe learning will occur," said Trei. However, more and more feet started to be dragged and eventually the toboggan tapped the side of the pub at a very survivable 3 miles per hour. The kids all rolled off the toboggan laughing, except Marlon who was complaining about snow that had blown up his pants legs.

"Let's go inside and warm up," said Marlon and he led his brothers and sisters inside the pub.

"Can I have a cocoa?" said Lou and Loo-Loo in perfect synchronization.

As they entered, Marlon got a few cheers from the gang inside. "Welcome young Duke!" laughed a few of the bar flies. Marlon just waved to his detractors but one of the "Usual Suspects" as Octavia likes to call them, Allyn Evans, the town farrier, put his arm around Marlon and whispered, "You just let me know who here gives you any trouble, your grace, his horse will be walking with a limp for months."

"Thank you, Mister Evans, but it's not 'Your Grace' just yet."

"It will be eventually," said Allyn, "these folk need to realize that you're going to be our duke someday."

"That's a long way away."

"Just sayin' yer grace. If you need a hand, I'll be right here for you." Allyn was a nice guy, and he didn't seem a bit drunk. He's been the village farrier, horse shoer, for decades and should be retired, but he loved the job and there was no one to replace him.

"He's right," said Trei. "With your dad bein' the crown prince now, if the king decides to take a vacation, which he's earned..."

"Which he's earned," agreed the crowd.

Trei continued, "Your dad could be called in to run Lancre for a while and you'll be the duke, until the king comes back."

"I don't know how to be a duke," said Marlon. He knew how to account for tax income and other reports that the king demands, he's also read the law book that the duchy is built on, but he barely knows what to do after that, and there's no way that the barons of Thrash and Überskeld would listen to him.

"Your dad didn't know either," said Homlette d'Marhk, the first person that Nick and Octavia ever met in Creel Springs. "He figured it out." Homlette must be over 90 and like Trei, he watched Marlon's dad since the day he first stepped out of the bookstore.

"Oh, your package came," said Ena from behind the bar and held a small parcel out to Marlon, it was small enough for him to fit in his jacket pocket.

"Thank you Aunt Ena," said Marlon and he tucked it in his pocket and turned back to his siblings.

When his folks and grandmothers entered the pub, Marlon had sat his younger brothers and sisters at a table and got them all piping hot mugs of cocoa and he was throwing darts against Lynet Borsen, a girl about a year older than him, one of the first babies his dad ever delivered. Lynet had eyes for Marlon, but Marlon's heart was already claimed.

"GRANDMA!" cried Exavier and Gwendolyn. They sat kicking their legs, eager to tell Jutta and Catrin the story of their Long Toboggan Ride. "We were up on the mountain and Marlon gave us a big push and we got going faster and faster!"

Nick joined Trei at the bar while Octavia, Catrin, and Jutta sat down with the children who chattered about their long toboggan run, and it was a long run, well over a mile. "The young master was telling me he's not ready to take over for his father," said Trei.

"Who helped him get all his brothers and sisters sitting at the table?" asked Nick as he turned around and took in the pub scene. Darla and her sister Rona, who were Ena's daughters, were putting up the Hogswatch decorations. It was still early but it was snowing so why not. The forge at the blacksmith's shop is closed so The Boys were at the bar chatting up Ena like they have done for years. Both dart boards were in use and there was a smile on every face in the pub. Even old Homlette who was reading a newspaper seemed happy. Lords he's going to miss this part of life in Creel Springs if he takes over for Verence.

"No one helped the young duke, he told them to gather at the table and they did," said Trei as he lifted the pint of ale that the duke just bought him.

"If he got that unruly mob to the table, he's just about ready," said Nick with a grin.

Just then Ena leaned across the bar conspiratorially and said, "The young master is getting his mail sent here, today he got a small package, about the size of a ring box."

Nick looked over to Octavia, who was now talking to Annabelle Prescott, Marlon's future mother-in-law. Age was showing on Annabelle even though she was still as cute as the day they met so long ago but Octavia barely looks a week older than the day they met, and now their children are conspiring to make grandparents of them. "Let's see if he makes it public or private." Then he turned to the barmaid. "Ena, are the friers hot?"

"Yes m'lord."

Nick placed some gold on the bar. "Fish and chips for the house."

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Several weeks later the Worblehat-Stein family was gathered in their suite of rooms in the palace in what Octavia called the "Family Tower." A year after the hubwards tower on the widdershins end returned from its state of collapse, the hubwards tower on the turnwise (right rear corner) end to which was half collapsed found itself standing strong and true, all mortar replaced, and palace scholars say that it was much larger in circumference than it was before. It was exhausting on Octavia to rebuild the tower, but she also reshingled the entire roof of the castle with new slate shingles. That tower was in the back, a far corner of the castle, the only thing near it was Verence and Magrat's meditation garden. A rear door to the garden leads to the spiral staircase in the tower.

Each floor had a suite of rooms that had a central room with a large fireplace and four bedrooms around the central room. The ONLY problem with the tower was that it was too close to the garden, which made it too easy to snack on the fruits that grow there constantly. "Who wants to come up to our room and sing?" asked Nick as he stood in the middle of the huge indoor jungle. It suddenly got noticeably darker when he said that as the fairies winked out and went into hiding. "We brought honeycomb, and I will peal all the bananas you want."

Suddenly lights began to flicker on, and tiny faces appeared from behind the leaves. A few years ago, Hollie introduced fairies into the meditation garden which gave Princess Esme friends she could talk to constantly. Octavia put several large plants in Esme's suite for a few fairies to rest in and they became quite adept at singing the terrified princess to sleep on nights when she remembers the dungeon dimension. But now Nick was calling for a few fairies to join them in their suite. He headed for the rear door and grabbed a bunch of bananas from the tree along with a couple of apples, two oranges, a pear, a grapefruit, some plums, and grapes and he carried his huge bowl of fruit up the stairs followed by a dozen curious fairies.

"This is Annabelle and Preston Prescott's floor," Nick told the fairies. "She's very nice for a werewolf." The moment he said that the fairies huddled up close and latched on to his shirt and used him for cover as he climbed the circular stairs that climbed the tower on the exterior wall. "This is our floor where I live with my wife, our mothers are here also, then all the kids are up on the next floor."

Nick opened the door and the central area had furniture, a small Hogswatch tree and lots of garland and decorations. "Grandma!" cried the fairies and they dashed across the room where Jutta and Catrin were reading Hogswatch stories to the children. Jutta and Catrin spent a lot of time in the meditation garden and were well known with all the fairies. Nick sat his bowl of fruit on a table and sat down next to Octavia and began to strum his baritone guitar softly as Jutta read the stories that have been read in the Worblehat-Stein household for seventeen years.

"I only missed once!" Nick proclaims proudly. "It's only because I was shot with a poison arrow and almost died."

"A likely story!" said Axemir as he and his wife Eryri entered. "Where was I when this lapse of tradition took place?"

"We were in Smaltzberg on our honeymoon," said Eryri who paused and looked around. "Where is Trystan?" but her question was answered with giggles. Their son Trystan, who was a year older than the twins was sitting on the couch between Gwen and Ecksie listening to the stories that were being read. Trystan, a teenage dwarf, looks like any other eight-year-old that needs a shave.

"This is a Hogswatch party," said Nick as he began to peal a banana for the fairies, "we don't want to offend any nonbelievers."

"He had an epiphany," said Eryri.

Nick and Octavia looked at the once most anti Hogswatch being on the disc. "We had a kid," shrugged Axemir. "They come with their own form of magic." He started to cut the fruit that Nick picked and put it in a bowl for fruit salad for the morning. As he finished, the fairies surrounded the peeled banana and began to eat.

Gwendolyn picked her favorite story book and gave it to Grandma Catrin who laughed, "You can read this, you read wonderfully!"

"You read it best grandma."

"No, your daddy reads it best," said Jutta.

"Yeah, but when he reads it, we have to go to bed."

"That's right, and it's the same for us," said Grandma Catrin. "When we finish reading that story it will be bedtime."

"Hogfather isn't real anyhow," said Trystan.

"Hush your silly mouth," said Catrin. "Jutta and I saw the Hogfather on the night we arrived in Lancre."

"We saw him step out of the fireplace and read the notes in all the stockings and we watched him fill the stockings and drink the sherry," said Jutta."

"I got these boots from him, I opened them that morning," said Catrin lifting her feet up to show off her boots.

"Aww, Nick could have bought you those boots," said Trystan.

"He didn't know I was coming. He didn't know I was his mom until two o'clock that morning."

Trystan looked over at Nick who was working with Axemir making the fruit salad. The Duke and future king nodded. "We live in a world of magic. I have a dozen fairies next to me eating a banana, why do you find Hogfather so hard to believe?" The fairies looked up at Nick when he mentioned them, their mouth's full of the delicious banana, their faces covered with banana gook. They looked around nervously then went back to eating.

"He's real," said one of the fairies after swallowing her mouthful. "He brings us honeycomb."

"And waffles!" added another.

"You like waffles?" asked Nick.

"Who doesn't?" said a fairy whose mouth was full of banana.

Trystan decided that he had to re-think the whole Hogfather thing as the Prescott family, Preston, Annabelle, Annette, and Nathan, along with Marlon came up from downstairs. Soon the party was in full swing with snacks, wine and music. Nick was playing a baritone guitar along with Octavia playing her autoharp. Preston, Annabelle, Marlon, and Annette danced to a couple of lively jigs that Nick and Octavia played.

"No dulcimer tonight?" Marlon asked his father.

"I'm glad you asked that question, and he produced a large box from under the table and handed it to Marlon. "This is for you and Annette, my two best dulcimer students."

"Your only dulcimer students," said Marlon as he and Annette opened the box.

"I had it made especially for you two," said Nick, as Annette pulled a courting dulcimer out of the box. A courting dulcimer is a dual dulcimer, it has a single large sound body and two opposing sets of fretworks. Annette and Marlon pulled two chairs close together and placed the dulcimer on their knees and after tuning it they strummed it experimentally. Soon they were playing a duet to the old carol The Snow on the Ivy. Nick and Octavia joined in and the fairies sang along.

Eventually little eyes got heavy as the evening wore on and it was time for the story. Nick sat down on a couch and with Gwendolyn on one knee and Exavier on the other he read the story of how a simple hunter/gatherer/farmer became the hog father and flew all over the disc bringing gifts to all good boys and girls. By the time he was done both Exavier and Gwendolyn were asleep like when they were babies. He and Octavia carried the little ones up to their room and they were soon joined by the twins Lou and Loo-Loo and the young dwarf Trystan who was spending the night, a Hogswatch sleepover.

As soon as the youngest were in bed and Nick and Octavia had returned from tucking them in, Marlon got very nervous, he was about to say something when King Verence and Queen Magrat tapped on the door and stepped in. "Are we too late?" Immediately everyone in the suite rose but Verence begged them to sit.

"I think you're just in time," said Preston who sat next to his wife Annabelle and hugged her close.

Clearing his throat, Marlon stood in front of Annette and said, "Annie dear, I love you more than anything. I have a tough future mapped out before me and I firmly believe that if you are at my side, it will be easier, more pleasant, and amazingly successful. My dear Annette," and he dropped to a knee and opened a jewelry box displaying the diamond ring and said, "will you marry me?"

"Yes, I will," she said without hesitation and leaned forward for a kiss. The adults in the room applauded and wiped a tear from their eyes. Nick and Octavia wept openly, their poor little boy spent the first seven months of his life in terror of the dungeon dimensions, but when he saw Annette just moments after her birth, she chased his fears away. Nick still remembers how a newborn Annette put her tiny fist on Marlon's hand and he broke into a huge grin, his first smile in months.

"Let's play one for the king and queen," said Nick, and he picked up his guitar, Octavia strummed her autoharp, and Marlon and Annette placed their hands on their Courting Dulcimer. After some nervousness and laughter they began to play the one song all four are sure of, The Snow on the Ivy.

King Verence sighed in relief, the future of the kingdom is secure, his heir now has heirs assured for two more generations. He gave Magrat a kiss and he saw the tears in her eyes, they watched these two youngsters grow up, they were practically their grandchildren. He had that warm feeling inside that he got when Lancre was happy, and he felt that if a country could express joy, Lancre would be purring this evening.

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Outside of Lancre dark forces were gathering, it would soon be time for their move, but these two spiteful women had hate to generate. This Hogswatch eve {like all Hogswatch eves especially when these women are out} the Ramtops winds blasted the tiny principality of Cystern, a dark and cynical place where the mountains funneled every puff of wind toward Cystern creating a wind tunnel that blasted Cystern even when there wasn't a breeze anywhere else.

It was always dark in Cystern, dark and damp. It is located so low in a steep sided canyon that direct sunlight only occurs by mistake. Access to Cystern is by a steep mountain road on a narrow ledge that circles the box canyon getting lower and lower, the concept of a switchback never occurred to the early road engineers. Finally at the bottom of the road is Cystern, a dark town built from dark gray rocks on stilts over a pool of collected rainwater.

The streets were dark, blowing snow swirled up the only cobblestone street in Cystern, snow drifted between the closely built houses, blocking exits and hiding rubbish bins. There were no streetlamps, the wind would just blow them out. The home of the ruler of Cystern, Duke Gwynedd Sudge, the Angry Duke, was an ugly bent block structure. At some point during construction the constant measurement of level changed. Was it bad measurements or was the mountain slowly trying to shake them off? Rather than tearing down the existing structure and starting fresh, workmen continued working under the workman's rule of thumb, "nobody's going to notice." Level changed several more times during the construction giving a square, blocky house a distinct S shape.

Inside Cystern Hall as the ugly building was called by its owner, sat the owner, and ugly little S shaped man with a bad comb-over. It was said that he was so crooked physically and morally that he could climb through a corkscrew. "What brings you out this late Madams Felmet and Singe?" he asked in his scratchy, whining, cringe inducing voice. "Tea?" he asked as the ancient, equally as bent butler rolled a tea cart into the room.

"I would love some," said Viktorija as she watched the butler set the hand brake on the tea cart then slowly chock the wheels. The butler very slowly poured a cup and with shaking hands offered it to her, an orange fluid with hints of green. She took a sip and discovered that it had no flavor, but later that night it would produce an aftertaste reminiscent of decaying meat.

"We are looking for your assistance in correcting a great historical malfeasance... duplicity at the highest levels, a murder in the night, a throne seized!" Tudful Felmet was practically shrieking.

"What does this have to do with Lancre?" sneered Duke Gwynedd Sudge. "Wasn't your husband the ruler of that land until he took a long walk on a short parapet?" Gwynedd began to chortle at his wit, his laugh sounded like an asthmatic dog gagging.

"He was pushed!" insisted Tudful knowing that the louder you lie the more people that will believe you. "He was watching over his land and was pushed from the roof by a jealous court fool! And now that fool sits on the throne of Lancre." Tudful was on a roll. "Now the fool has no heirs, his two young sons were murdered, some say by his wife, others say they were killed by his insane daughter. If the fool, Verence, dies the kingdom is up for grabs."

"Already dividing up the corpse before the patient dies?"

"The patient is in his last hours," said Viktorija. "How many men can you dedicate to this cause?"

Duke Sudge leaned back and smiled. "What is it worth to you for me to keep this little talk quiet."

"I'm hearing a lot of talk about gold under Bear Mountain, would a dwarf lie? I think a shot at that resource is enough to keep anyone's confidence for seven more months."

Duke Sudge sipped his tea then handed the cup back to his butler who was also his father-in-law. "Cystern is a small principality, our men are our main resource. I can promise seventy, no more."

"Seventy will help." Viktorija Singe handed her cup to the butler. "We will be in touch." Tudful and Viktorija followed the butler out then climbed into their small carriage and rode off into the cold. It was a known fact around the world that dwarves do not lie, they don't have the imagination for it, however no dwarf ever said that there was gold under Bear Mountain, inferring that one did was a lie on their part. So what? It gained them another seventy men... their invading force is becoming huge! There's only one flaw in this plan, that damn woman. They say she's a Sourceress, but there's been no report of any major magic that Viktorija or Tudful knows of, other than cooking dinner.

This alone is proof of how poor Tudful's intelligence is. On the last week of every month a major repair to the castle takes place, towers rebuilt, roofs replaced, leaky windows sealed. Just the advent of indoor plumbing and the flurry of saunas would tell the half-awake that the Enchantress Octavia was making magic.

As the angry women rode their pony drawn carriage along the narrow ledge that spiraled up out of Cystern Gulch, Viktorija and Tudful heard a crack and a bang above them and suddenly a rock slammed into the narrow mountain path ahead of them. It was Lancre throwing rocks at them. "Do your worst, Lancre, you will soon be mine..." then under her breath Tudful muttered, "gods I hate that country."

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Hogswatch morning was magical for the Worblehat-Stein children, they woke up and emerged from their bedrooms into their common room and found it decorated with garland and evergreen, "so pretty!" gushed Gwendolyn. There was even a Hogswatch tree there for them, but they didn't see any gifts. "Hogfather didn't come!" she was nearly in tears.

"It's ok little one," said Octavia who was nearly unnoticed as she sat in a big wingback chair in the corner. "He left you plenty of gifts and he came up with a game for you to play later." One by one the children rose and found that Nick and Octavia were waiting for them and once all the children were up they trooped down to find Annette and Nathan waiting outside the suite with Preston and Annabelle. They opened the door and found a magical Hogswatch land just for them. The little tree that was in the corner last night was now large and fully decorated and contained a dozen fairies hopped up on honeycomb flickering and glowing in the branches.

"Wow!" gushed Trystan, his eyes open wide. "I'm coming here more often!"

The girls were put in charge of handing the gifts out, the boys were in charge of gathering up the wrapping paper and setting it in a pile. When the pile of paper and boxes got large enough, Octavia compressed it into a log for the fireplace. After a joyful morning of opening presents punctuated with hugs and kisses, Nick called out, "Ok, everyone get dressed, we're having brunch with the King and Queen. And the king has a game for you to play!"

With a groan, the children lay their gifts aside for later and trooped back to their rooms and changed then as a unit they marched down to the garden where the fairies there sang Hogswatch carols and flickered different colors as they passed, then through a few more corridors to the banquet hall. "Ok, eat up!" called Octavia. "There's no food until the banquet tonight!"

The kids descended on the brunch buffet like locusts on a wheat field, everything from eggs and bacon to cold ham sandwiches. Hollie of course had to have her "pam" cakes and sausages. As the children had just sat down to eat, the king and queen along with Princess Esme entered and the kids all stood to attention. "Please! Please! Sit and eat! Happy Hogswatch!"

"Happy Hogswatch your majesty," said the children politely and all of their parents and grandmothers stood to the side shocked and proud of the sudden display of manners. It must have been a Hogswatch miracle. The kids gathered around their friend Princess Esme who showed them the pretty jewelry that she received from the Hogfather. King Verence sighed, the prayer for a Hogswatch miracle that she would regain her sharp mind again went unanswered. Tonight, he makes the announcement to his people, his pick of heirs will be official.

After breakfast was done the king got up and stepped to a side door and opened it, then pulled out a red sack full of gifts. Ensuring that he had all of the children's attention he said, "It appears that the Hogfather was running a bit late this last night and he left this sack of gifts for the people who work here and he asked me for help. Could you help me distribute these gifts?" The children all nodded, and the king continued. "You each take one gift; each gift has a name tag and a hint where to find these people and you play Hogfather. You go up to a person who works here and ask their name and you tell them yours. If their name matches the tag you give them the gift and wish them a Happy Hogswatch. If it doesn't, you find someone else. The one that hands out the most packages wins our special prize. Ready?" after receiving nine nods, "Go!"

The youngest children grabbed a box and scooted out as fast as they could, but the king asked Annette and Marlon to hold back. After the kids dashed off the king said "I heard you playing your dulcimer so beautifully with the duke and duchess, could you play tonight after you eat? Your instrument is truly an instrument of the Ramtop Mountains, and I would like our guests to hear it."

Nick and Octavia looked at each other and shrugged while Marlon searched his memory for an excuse. But Annette couldn't be stopped, "Yes your majesty! We would love to, wouldn't we dear?"

"Get used to hearing that," whispered the king.

"I suppose we should start practicing," said Octavia. So as the children ran around the castle asking everyone they met, "Who are you?" Octavia, Nick, Marlon and Annette practiced The Snow on the Ivy and several other Hogswatch carols. Hearing them, a new guard named Reziko Pants stopped by and listened to them play and he smiled at the door to the suite.

"What do you think?" asked Nick.

Surprised that the duke would speak to him, Reziko sputtered and finally said, "I play that on a type of banjo."

"If you have it here, go get it and join us," said Nick. "The more the merrier." When he said that, Reziko ran off.

"I think you scared him away," laughed Octavia and she continued to strum her autoharp. It's been a while since they last had their instruments out and she needed some practice. But shortly Reziko returned with what looked like a long fretboard stuck on a cigar box. It was tall and had three strings.

"What do you call that?" asked Marlon.

"A banjo. The Agatean name is Shimmishake, said Reziko as he strummed and plucked the three strings with something that looked like a spatula.

"Let's give it a try," said Nick and soon the shimmishake joined in with the other instruments and they tried a couple of new songs. It soon became time to get ready they packed up their instruments and carried them to the main hall and stored them behind the King's table.

"Mommy! Mommy!" shouted an excited Gwendolyn as Octavia tried to get her dress on her. "Guess what! I met a Skellington named Stan. He had bones but he didn't have no tummy!"

"You were down in the dungeon?"

"Yeah, Tristan likes it down there, he says it reminds him of his parents mine. We gave Stan a new coffee cup." Gwendolyn and Tristan were getting quite close. However it wasn't unusual for friendships between the races especially when children are involved, they often teach their parents how to get along.

"I know the whole castle now," said Exavier as Nick tried to wrestle him into a smaller version of what the duke was wearing, blue trousers, silver waist coat, and red jacket and tails. It was the same outfit that Marlon wore when he was Exavier's age and when this evening is over, the suit is going to be saved for a grandson. Nick didn't realize that, but it was hammering in Octavia's, Jutta's and Catrin's hearts.

The Worblehat-Stein men, Nick, Marlon, Llywellyn, and Exavier all dressed the same with the red coat and tails, blue trousers and grey waist coats. Llywella and Gwendolyn wore flowing golden gowns that were based on their mother's deep red wizard's robe. Hollie being a nearly completely trained witch was wearing a slim black dress and it was very clear that she was on her way to being blessed with her mothers and grandmothers curvaceous figure. She topped her dress with a witch's hat and carried a broom with her because her mom carried a wizard's staff.

Very young witches like Hollie are few and far between and the other witches either ignore them or sabotage their efforts. This is not the case with Hollie, with Queen Magrat Garlick and her father training her, she's well advanced in her studies and has delivered two babies already. She can name and properly use every herb on the mountain and her cottage garden is the envy of the village. No witch was stupid enough to try to sabotage anything she does.

"PANTS!" shouted Captain Sean Ogg, the commander of the castle guard.

"Yes sir!" said Reziko and he snapped the sharpest salute seen in the castle for nearly five decades.

"Get your dress uniform on, the Duke of Wægn has requested your services to guard his party."

Reziko sputtered and looked around. "Me?"

"The duke asked me personally. It seems that he saw how you carry your blade and is impressed."

Reziko has a unique sword, a slightly curved blade made from steel so perfect that it will hold an edge for several hundred years. It was made by his grandfather and handed down to him. "Yes sir!" and Reziko ran off to ditch the heavy breast plate and helmet which only gets in his way when he practices his sword work.

Soon the castle began to fill with people, from the local Lancre native who just wants to see the decorations, to the high and mighty from all over the disc, the Hogswatch meal at this little backwoods' kingdom was becoming the place for world leaders to gather and chat over a delicious meal. However, this year there seemed to be more world leaders than usual. A steady stream of carriages carrying figures from the train station in Hot Dang and from Lady Lucricia's library in Überwald shuttled the rich and powerful to Lancre Town.

Nick and Octavia were asked by King Verence to stand in the reception line and meet the VIP guests as they came in and Nick didn't really want to, he wanted to dance with Octavia and maybe Annette, his future daughter. In the end he smiled, bowed, and said "Yes sire." He was so glad he did. He met the tyrant of Ankh-Morpork Havelock Vetinari and his secretary Rufus Drumknott. When Nick shook hands with Lord Vetinari, a sudden realization came over him, Lord Vetinari wasn't completely human. "I didn't realize you were half..." but Lord Vetinari half raised one eyebrow and Nick immediately understood that Vetinari was not interested in that subject... "yes sir... Lady Margolata is waiting in the king's study."

Havelock lowered the eyebrow and said, "Thank you your highness. The lady and I have a meeting planned." It is said that Lord Vetinari can accomplish more with one eyebrow than most people can with two of them and a lifetime of practice.

As Nick shook hands with Lord Vetinari's secretary, Rufus Drumknott leaned forward and whispered to Nick. "I say, did Lady Margolata mention if she brought her librarian with her?"

"Miss Healstether? She is here and she is in the king's library with Igor, Lady Lucricia's librarian."

"Thank you old chap, and congratulations!" and he clapped Nick on the left shoulder.

Before Nick could ask Octavia her opinion on Drumknott's greeting he found himself shaking hands with Samuel Vimes, the Duke of Ankh and the only person he feels truly comfortable with in this crowd. Sam only chuckled and shook his head. "You pulled it off kid. Good on ya."

After being smothered by Lady Sybil who demanded to know where the kids were, Nick was going to ask Octavia what was going on when he realized that he was looking at the Emperor of the Ancient and Most Honorable Agatean Empire, and he was bowing to Nick. Nick returned the bow then extended his hand, "Jia! What a sight for sore eyes, I've been wanting to..." he was suddenly smothered by a hug from the young man that ruled the richest empire on the disc.

"I am so proud for you!" exclaimed Jia. "Now we are brothers!"

Before Nick could respond, Jia's mother Ning was bowing deeply in front of Nick. When she stood she was tearful but smiling and she threw herself at Nick. Holding her tight he looked at Octavia who whispered, "She still wants you."

"Please don't," said Nick trying to figure out what to do with a tiny Agatean beauty that was molding herself to his body. He finally let her kiss him and he said, "Thank you, it's so good to see you again, let's catch up after dinner..." and suddenly he was shaking hands with Lord Rodley, ruler of Quirm.

Eventually the official welcome line broke up when the nearby string octet began to play the Hogswatch Waltz. The Hogswatch Waltz is one of Nick and Octavia's favorites mostly because counting to three is easy and they've noticed that any time they dance to the Hogswatch Waltz they end up having spectacular sex later that evening.

As they spun around the dance floor falling more and more in love, letting the music take them to another plane where only they exist, there came a tap on Nick's shoulder. He turned and saw that it was Jia. "May I cut in?" asked the young Emperor.

"I'm sorry," said Nick, "I appreciate the gesture but I don't dance with guys."

Jia gave him a startled look, then he got the joke and laughed then said, "I want my throne back."

"My mom won't give it up," said Nick. "Here, dance with Octavia, she'll explain it," and chuckling, Nick watched Octavia dance off with the richest man on the disk.

"A-hem." Nick turned and saw the beautiful Ning Hau Chung smiling at him nervously.

"Madam Chung," said Nick bowing deeply. "Would you honor me with this dance?"

"I will try," she said, her voice shaking.

Nick took her tiny hand in his, "it's easy, start with your right foot..." seeing her questioning look, "Yòubiān foot, and dance with the three beats, uh... Sān pāi. Ready?" and he pulled her close and began counting the beats. "Yī, Shuāng, Sān, Yī, Shuāng, Sān, Yī, Shuāng, Sān..." Soon Ning loosened up and began dancing elegantly with Nick.

She danced beautifully and Nick was in heaven. Yes, he loves Octavia more than anything in the world, but this poor little woman... beaten, raped, abused horribly, used as a pawn in an attempt to overthrow the king of Lancre, and yet she turns to Nick and trusts him. She molded her body to his as they danced to the romantic old waltz, she was the warmest woman he ever danced with. She was also the only woman he's ever danced with that was shorter than him.

When the song finally ended he bowed deeply and kissing her elegant little hand he thanked her for the dance. "They're going to start calling us to our tables, I need to round up my children."

"How many children do you have now Stein Ying Long?" she said using the name he was known for in Agatea, Stein the Eagle Dragon.

"When is the last time we talked..." he remembered she was there to celebrate the birth of Lou and Loo-Loo. "We have six, and our mothers joined us so our family is now ten in number."

"So marvelous! So many blessings!" she kissed his cheek and whispered, "Wǒ ài nǐ," in his ear and hurried off to find Emperor Jia.

Soon he was in the arms of the enchantress who said, "What is on your mind?"

"She told me she loves me."

Octavia scoffed. "You saved her empire, trained her son how to rule, and when she tried to kill you, you forgave her. All that, and your dick. She better love you."

"WHAT?" Nick shouted accidentally. "What about my dick?" he whispered harshly.

"You two were dancing very closely, she's got your tallywhacker figured out. She probably felt it through that silk dress," and she patted his noticeable bulge.

Nick looked around nervously, what if someone heard? "SHHHHHH!"

"Come on Casanunda, let's collect our kids, we'll talk later."

{Casanunda is self-proclaimed to be the Discworld's second greatest lover, so he tries harder. A dwarf with an interesting peculiarity, he prefers love, romance, and sex more than gold and mining. He also claims to be the world's finest swordsman which may be true, but only because no other swordsman on earth ever trained to fight an opponent shorter than four feet tall.}

They soon found their family and the herald called out, "Lord of health and safety for the kingdom, Duke of Wægn, Lord Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein, and the Court Wizard, the Duchess of Wægn, Lady Octavia Worblehat-Stein and family."

"He didn't say prince," groused Hollie.

"It hasn't been made public yet," said Grandma Catrin. "Now shush, let the king tell everyone."

They sat down to dinner taking up a full table, next to them was the Emperor of Agatea and his mom, Sam and Sybil Vimes, and the Prescott family. Nick turned to Marlon who was moping next to him. "You can't be with her twenty-four hours a day... yet."

"I know but..."

Nick realized what was going on. When he finally kissed Octavia for real he didn't want to be away from her for a second. Knowing that Annette was sitting right behind them so she and Marlon could talk, Nick said "turn around and ask if the person behind you will switch." Marlon did and soon Nick found himself sitting between Octavia and Ning. "Well, that didn't work out exactly like I intended." He was sure he was going to be sitting next to Sam Vimes.

"Who's that?" demanded Gwendolyn.

"This is mom and dad's friend Ning, she's from Agatea."

"Did she make our couch?" asked Exavier.

Ning gave Nick a very confused look. "No," continued Nick. "Our couch came from her house though."

"Ning, honey," said Octavia, "You know Hollie, and you haven't seen Llywellyn and Llywella since they were born. This is Exavier, Gwendolyn, my mother Jutta, and Nick's mother Catrin."

"You all live in little house?" asked Ning shocked at the size of Nick's family. Last time she was here it was Nick, Octavia, Marlon, and Hollie. The twins were just born, which is the reason she visited. Her feelings for Nick are easiest to keep hidden when gushing over babies.

"Our house is magic and grows when we add to the family," said Nick. "But now it's going to shrink. Unless Marlon moves Annette in."

"It's my house," pouted Hollie. She was the witch, so clearly it's her house. Her dad is just a part time witch now, she's answering the messenger candles, he's busy being duke.

He's answering the calls also, standing a respectful distance away making sure she's doing what needs to be done, and when she turns to go she may notice the bird in the yard pecking at the soil. When she leaves, her father is standing in place of the bird following up with her patient. You can never be too sure with a young witch.

Finally all the dignitaries were seated and after the king's welcome and a chant by the local temple monks, dinner was soon delivered to the tables of the court, beef chowder with horseradish broth, followed by roast pork, pork belly, pork pie, pickled trotters, roast venison wrapped in bacon, roast quail, and multitudes of carrots of all colors, turnips, winter greens and brussels sprouts followed by plum and thyme custard tarts and baked apples. A lazy Susan filled with exotic dishes allowed the diners to serve themselves and the wait staff only has to place the bowls and platters on the lazy Susan.

Nicks kids tore into the food with a hunger that shocked Ning. "They've been running around the castle all day delivering presents to the staff," said Octavia. "I can tell they're hungry because Hollie, my little picky eater, ate a pickled trotter.

"Hungry!" she said around a mouthful of pork pie.

"So, Madam Ning, are you going back to Agatea tonight? Or are you going to spend the evening."

"We have a suite in the new tower," said Ning. "If we can enter the bookstore we do not have to be back for many more days."

"That can be arranged," said Octavia with a sideways smile at Nick.

"You know the bookstore is always open to you," Nick said. "I am looking forward to upgrading the Library here in the palace, it shouldn't take too long, should it?"

"You know I don't like access to L-Space at the seat of power," said Octavia.

"She's got one," said Nick pointing at a confused Ning.

"And you have two, be grateful." She was talking about his library in his mountain retreat and the bookstore which has access to L-Space.

L-Space is the amazing universe created by the power in books. Books are full of knowledge, and we all know that Knowledge = Power, therefore Books = Power and books of sufficient type and amount can warp space allowing a reader to venture deeper into the bookshelves and find himself coming back out in another location. Through L-Space one can find any book one wants and read it even before it is written. A librarian who is skilled at navigating L-Space can move through time as well as space and it takes a Master or Senior Master Librarian to design a library that gives safe access to L-Space. That doesn't rule out those great little secondhand bookstores that can access L-Space naturally.

Nicks table just got served coffee when King Verence rose and tapped his coffee cup and gained the attention of all in attendance. "Keep eating, this is the part of the meal where those of us that finished get up and tell long boring speeches to entertain each other. Tonight, I would like to introduce you to some folks you may know who agreed to come up and play a couple of songs for you. Nick, what do you call your group?"

"Uhhh, my family..." said a nervous Nick as he rose, but the chuckles from the crowd seemed to ease his nerves as he led Octavia, Marlon, and Annette joined by Reziko to the raised area at the end of the main hall. Nick held the courtin' dulcimer above his head and said, "us mountain folk know what this is, am I right?" after hearing some cheers, he handed it to Marlon who sat close to Annette. "It's called a courting dulcimer, the courting couple put it on their laps and play, and it keeps their hands busy. It must work," said Nick. "Three hours after they started playing Marlon proposed to her."

His statement brought laughs, then applause as Annette held up her engagement ring then leaned over and kissed Marlon. In the back someone shouted, "Where do I get me one of those?"

"The dulcimer or the girl?" asked Marlon, to add to the crowd's laughter.

"Ok, let's play," said Nick as he strummed a few cords on his guitar. As a group they only knew three songs, The Snow on the Ivy, Hogswatch on Soggy Mountain, and The Old Mountain Temple, a favorite among the older mountain folk, it always brings a tear. The crowd loved them, and they finished up with a very uptempo rendition of The Snow on the Ivy, a version Nick and Octavia worked out together for the little ones to dance to. Reziko fell right in, it was like he knew everything they played. Marlon and Annette tried to keep up but in the end they put their dulcimer aside and got up and danced to Reziko, Nick and Octavia's playing.

Octavia held her autoharp to her left shoulder and keyed the harp with her left hand, strumming or plucking with her right hand, Nick placed the big baritone guitar in his lap and Reziko held his banjo straight up and down, it looked odd but his hand flew up and down the fretboard and hit every note perfectly. Eventually their jig evolved into Moonlight in Lancre a slow and beautiful love ballad that a relative of King Verence wrote over a hundred years ago. For his part, Reziko played along beautifully, even in the songs they didn't practice together.

After their recital to much more applause than they could have expected the king called them over to his side and asked Nick and Octavia to bring the rest of their family up next to him. Marlon stood next to Octavia alone until with some urging from her mother and future mother-in-law Annette joined the group next to the king and stood holding hands with Marlon. Hollie tried to give someone in the audience the evil eye. Octavia looked and saw it was Mark Ivers, a new Highway Watch constable. 'Hollie Ivers,' thought Octavia. It can work, he's only two years older than Hollie. The twins were well behaved but nervous, Exavier and Gwendolyn were nervous also but showed it by tickling each other.

"As many of you know, eighteen years ago Magrat and I lost our heirs, and if it wasn't for Lord Pommeraie and Lady Octavia we would have lost a whole lot more." The king paused and took a deep shuddering breath, the memory of that day and the months and years of sorrow that followed weighed heavily on his heart. "The house of lords and the parliament both have been hounding Magrat and I to pick our heirs, and we did, and we've been training them in the ways of Lancre Castle... and tonight we present them to you, our heirs, Prince Pommeraie de la Montesquieu, and Princess Octavia Worblehat-Stein."

It was a surprise to many but not a huge surprise, it was guessed among the royalty watchers for a few years, and now it was official. The crowd stood and applauded, and the twins bowed over and over. The two youngest Worblehat-Steins were confused, Exavier asked, "What did we do?"

"You're a prince now," whispered Octavia.

"I know that..." but the look from his mother stopped all questions and he started bowing with the twins.

"Prince Pommeraie, please address your nation," said the King and he stood back to let Nick speak to his people.

"The first time I was asked to speak at a Hogswatch dinner someone tried to kill me..." the crowd fell into a shocked silence. "...he was from Kythia, I guess they do things differently over there," which brought chuckles from the crowd. Kythia is not well liked, the people there are considered to be too arrogant to be of much use by the average Lancrian. Nick took a deep breath and said, "Just so you know, I want you to hear it from me, Octavia and I are not royalty, we're not from hoity toity royal families. I was born a gutter rat in the shades of Morpork, Octavia is the daughter of Klatchian slaves. Twenty years ago, I was barely smarter than the bricks I was stealing. Then one day a young female wizard hired me to carry her luggage as she set out to save the eight little baby world turtles that were following us through space. One thing led to another, I got an education, I became a witch, and we ended up in Creel Springs where we were married."

Nick didn't expound on how he saved the world, that story is well known, the king tells it at every opportunity, and with royal aplomb, he tells it correctly every time. "When Octavia and I first stepped out onto the main street in Creel Springs we felt Lancre embrace us, we felt the country welcome us and Lancre showed us, a pair of big city kids, how beautiful living in the mountains can be." Nick paused for a moment to remember that beautiful warm spring day, the sun was shining down through the leaves and the warm clean air... one breath of the thin mountain air had more oxygen than a year of breathing Ankh-Morpork fumes provided. He could still feel the warm sun on his face, the afternoon breeze wrap around him, the songbirds singing, and the trees! So many trees, it was all so beautiful...

Bringing himself back to the present he shook his head and continued. "That summer I was kidnapped and Lancre wasn't happy, Lancre helped Octavia rescue me from Agatea, and in so doing it put us on the path to an international friendship with the counterweight continent. Since that day the dwarves in Lancre have had Agatean Shikim in their diet..." Nick had to pause for the wild cheering from the dwarves in the audience... {To humans Shikim is disgusting, but it's rich in protein and fiber and will keep you alive if you can keep it down. Dwarves love it, they say it tastes better than rat, and Agatea cannot ferment it fast enough for the dwarves of the Ramtops} "And Lancre has developed true trading partners across the disc." He reached a hand to Ning and Jia to much applause.

"When we lost the young princes Exavier and Abraam I felt the country mourn. Lancre loves her people, she loves her children. I feel it every time I help a new life into the world, I feel Lancre cheer with joy. And when I helped ease a soul on to the other side, I felt Lancre mourn."

"As your prince and future sovereign, I intend to keep Lancre happy. And if that means keeping you people healthy and happy, so be it. Challenge accepted. We are proud to be selected as a family to be heirs of the throne of Lancre, and if you have any questions, any questions at all, please feel free to ask King Verence, I'm busy, I'm in training. Thank you." And they bowed to thunderous applause.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Tudful and Viktorija were on the road again to another meeting with a minor noble in a minor Ramtop Mountain principality, but this path took them too close to Lancre. "What was that?" demanded Tudful Felmet as their carriage passed through a corner of Lancre. The mountains towered over them somewhere in the dark and the trees swayed as the wind driven snow tried to blow them off the narrow mountain road.

"What was what?" said Viktorija Singe.

"Did you just tell me to get out?"

Viktorija looked around, there was no one near them and they had to shout to be heard over the gale force winds. "I haven't said a word since we hit this storm."

"Gods I hate this country," muttered the former Lady Felmet. Suddenly her eyes sprung open. She turned to Viktorija and said, "Well fuck you too!"

"I didn't say anything," said Viktorija.

"This fucking country," muttered Tudful as she drew her riding cloak closer around her. "I hate this place." Soon they would be out of Lancre, and the storm would remain behind them. This has happened every time they take a road that goes through Lancre.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Nick and Octavia were swarmed by the rulers of other countries, all had their own forms of advice for the new prince and princess, and of course they had to pose for iconographs. And of course, the press. Sacharissa Cripslock, the top reporter for the Ankh-Morpork Times begged for an exclusive interview, and finally Nick said, "After my princess and I speak with Lord Vetinari and Duke Vimes we can sit down in my office, and we will answer any questions you may have. In the meantime, why don't you speak with my friend, Emperor Jia Hau Chung."

"I do not believe she knows who that is," said Havelock Vetinari. Havelock was the tyrant of Ankh-Morpork and firmly believed that tyranny is the most successful form of democracy.

"Well, if she annoys him, he'll just claim to forget how to speak Morporkish."

"He will?" Havelock's slight smile grew less slight.

"He still does it to me all the time," said King Verence.

"All the time?" The fact that the emperor of the richest empire on the planet was there, shocked Havelock, but 'all the time' implied that the emperor has a closer relationship to Lancre than Havelock's intelligence led him to believe. "He has come here on more than one occasion?"

Nick shrugged. "He likes my dog."

"We play fetch," said Remy.

Havelock looked down at the wolf that was sitting next to Nick and realized that it spoke. Havelock Vetinari is one of the very few humans that realize that Remy can talk. Most humans know that dogs can't talk so if Remy said something, it clearly wasn't Remy and attribute his words to something else. "Interesting dog you have your majesty."

Eventually Nick and Octavia sat down with Sacharissa Cripslock while the head iconographer for the Ankh-Morpork Times, Otto Chriek snapped several icons. Being a vampire was a bit of a problem for Otto, every time the flash on his camera went off he would shriek in agony or suddenly dissolve into a pile of dust on the floor, only to be resurrected with a few drops of blood by his assistant. This evening he was wearing an experimental flash suit, which looked like a beekeepers outfit with a helmet that had a sealed visor that he closes just before the flash. It seemed to work but it was also very uncomfortable.

Sacharissa Cripslock started her questions with, "What are your plans now that you are the heir to the throne?"

Nick and Octavia looked at each other, then Nick said, "To fulfill his majesty's wishes and requirements yet be the best parents we can be."

"I understand that you're originally from Ankh-Morpork, what did you learn in Ankh-Morpork that will make you a great leader?"

Nick and Octavia looked at each other, then Nick said, "How to treat people."

"Ah, treat them like Ankh-Morpork treated you?"

Nick and Octavia looked at each other, then Nick said, "No, treat them the opposite." She tried to dig a bit more on that subject but Nick refused to answer any more questions on his youth in Ankh-Morpork other than, "Ankh-Morpork gave me Octavia. If I could give my subjects love like that, I will."

If Sacharissa was looking for meat she wasn't going to get it on this interview. "Will you be moving your family into the castle anytime soon your majesty?"

Nick and Octavia looked at each other then Nick said, "No. We spend the last week of the month here while I am in training, but our home is in Creel Springs, I'm still the Duke of Wægn, and I'm still their witch. When the time comes we will make that move, and not a moment before."

"But most of the other nobility live in Lancre Town, not out in their principality like you, doesn't that..."

Nick and Octavia looked at each other, then Nick said, "I'm not going to comment on my fellow nobles. How they run their holdings is their business. I like them and enjoy their company."

Sacharissa scribbled furiously. "But what about when you become king, what then?"

Nick and Octavia looked at each other then Nick said, "I just became a prince, I need to learn that job first."

And that's pretty much how the interview went, Nick and Octavia dodging her questions and avoiding anything that could be misconstrued. Finally, Sacharissa said, "Your highness, you and your wife are powerful magic users, what can you say to reassure your subjects that you will not use your magic to harm them?

Nick and Octavia looked at each other for a long time and Nick shook his head sadly and leaned back in his chair crossing his arms, Sacharissa finally realized they were having a conversation that she couldn't hear. Octavia said, "we saved nine worlds and killed a planet eating beast with our magic. We broke up a criminal enterprise with our magic, we became fast friends with the Agatean empire with our magic. We stopped the most evil wizard in the multiverse with our magic. Actions speak louder than words Mrs. de Word, I don't know how we could say it louder."

With those words Nick and Octavia got up and rejoined the party. They went through the crowd of well-wishers shaking hands and then realized how tired their kids were. Exavier and Gwendolyn were the darlings of the goings on, but it was well past their bedtime. Octavia scooped up "her" Exie and Nick picked up "his" Gwen, both fussed and begged to stay up but they gave Queen Magrat and Princess Esme good night kisses. Grandma Jutta and Grandma Catrin escorted the twins back to their rooms. Both Exavier and Gwendolyn were asleep when they got back to their apartment and the rest were not far behind, even Marlon turned in.

After the kids and grandmothers had been tucked into bed, they said goodbye to Eryri and Axemir who were heading back to Creel Springs but leaving Trystian who wants to spend another night in the castle with his buddies. There's something warm and cozy to a dwarf when they're surrounded by rock. They'll send him home with the Prescott's tomorrow.

"I think they like you," said Octavia as she and Nick climbed the first tower that Octavia rebuilt. The employees of the castle somehow got the idea that the tower is haunted. When Nick asked Octavia how they got that idea she just rolled her eyes innocently and shrugged her shoulders. It has become their private tower, with sauna included.

"All I hope is that Lancre likes me," said Nick as he climbed the ancient worn stairs. {Octavia put the stairwells back together like original with steps worn by a thousand years of use just for that "castle" feel} They reached a wooden door that marked as high as you can climb on the central staircase. They entered the door and found two options, to the left is a flush toilet and a sauna, to the right is their staircase to the top room on the tower, their private love suite. In their love suite is a fireplace, a small table where two can eat a romantic dinner by candlelight or four can play a cut-throat game of Cripple Mr. Onion or the newest rage Blind Cabbage. {Think of it as a combination of double deck Pinochle and strip chess} There's a changing curtain where Octavia can step behind and slip on a silky little something that most often can best be described as fog trimmed with lace.

In front of the fireplace is a large bed covered in soft fur and is as comfortable as any round world mattress. From the four large windows one can see much of the kingdom and all of Lancre Town. "You like?" asked Octavia. She had just redecorated the tower retreat with large windows, larger fireplace and new tapestries.

"Wow, you really did a wonderful job." He looked out the hubward window, the one that faced Breeders Peak, a ridge that separated him from his home in Creel Springs. He looked out the rimward facing window and saw Lancre Town in its entirety. Gentle snow fell on the Hogswatch revelers and for the entire two-week month of Ick they will be out there skating, partying, singing, and enjoying the bad weather. He turned back to Octavia who was looking at him with a look of nervous worry. Octavia is never worried about anything. "I love it," said Nick, trying to reassure her.

"All of it?"

"Every bit," said Nick with a nod.

Octavia stepped back toward the modesty screen and drew Nick in for a passionate kiss. Their tongues entwined as they clutched at each other, the crown prince and his princess, both still trying to get over the fact that they had risen from nothing to this point. When their fiery kiss ended Octavia gasped, "you get the wine, I'll get ready for the sauna."

Nick gave her a small kiss and turned to a side table and on there was a bottle of sparkling wine and an ice bucket. He opened the window and gathered ice and snow from the ledge and filled the ice bucket around the bottle. "Oh, get three glasses," said Octavia.

Nick turned around and saw Octavia standing in her gold and red silk robe, how did she change so fast? Next to her in a red and gold silk robe was Ning Hau Chung. They were beautiful, both women looked at him with expectant smiles and erect nipples. The two women that he loved and the only thing he could think of was, "Won't the emperor be angry?"

Ning took a deep breath and said the words that both Octavia and her son gave her. "He knows I am here. He is my emperor, my master, and my son. He's not my father." When Ning was under the influence of the evil wizard Nithe Skelm she plotted against Lancre and tried to kill Nick. Since she was enchanted he couldn't find her guilty, but these were capital crimes, so Nick sentenced her to be her son Jia's servant.

"You know there's nothing I can do without Octavia, I and completely and happily enchanted. I love her completely and eternally. I love you too Ning, but..." Octavia placed her finger on Nick's lips silencing him then she leaned over and kissed Ning. Not a little buddy-buddy kiss between girlfriends, but an all-enchanting kiss that caused Nick to stop breathing and Ning to whimper as the kiss ended.

"I've loved you from the day we met," Octavia whispered to Ning. "Nick is my man; you are my woman. Can you live with that?" Nick realized that Octavia had just enchanted Ning. He wasn't jealous but he was curious. Why did she do it?

"I did it because you love her too," said Octavia as his thoughts entered her mind. "What's a prince without a consort?"

"I thought you were my consort."

Octavia and Ning started unbuttoning Nick's "Duke suit" as Octavia said, "I have a feeling that the future of Lancre is based on good relations with Agatea." That was a warning, Octavia's feelings about the future have been incredibly accurate.

"You can keep our throne," said Ning as she began to unbuckle his belt. "We have six more..."

For some reason that struck Nick as funny, they've had that throne in their house for eighteen years, it's where Octavia's mother and Nick's mother sit every night and knit, or mend the kid's clothing, or read. Marlon has always considered it HIS couch. He chuckled and Octavia carefully took off his medals of honor (dual medals) and sash covered with awards from Lancre and many foreign leaders, then tugged off his blazer, then began unbuttoning his shirt.

As she undressed him Nick felt his trousers drop and his underwear get yanked down and warm tiny hands grasped his cock. His eyes stayed locked on Octavia as he felt Ning's mouth wrap around his cock and her tongue began to swirl around the head of his cock and her tiny hand stroked up and down his length. This was completely alien to the blowjobs he's gotten from Octavia over the years, it was tiny, gentle, tentative and entirely delicious.

"She's good isn't she?" whispered Octavia. "We've waited for this moment for years, have you?"

Nick whimpered, Octavia and Ning have waited for years for this?

Octavia watched her husband's eyes roll back in his head as Ning swallowed more and more of his cock, this was what she always wanted to see, the worry and concerns of the day melt away from her husband, his eyes soften and the pleasure visible on his face. As Nick and Octavia gently kissed, Ning began taking more and more of Nick's cock in her mouth. Octavia reached down to caress her head and her fingers tangled in Ning's hair with Nick's fingers. "So good," gasped Nick between kisses. "She's so sweet."

"Ning honey, you got him ready to pop, let's take it easy on the prince."

Ning looked at Nick's cock as if it was a lollypop that was being taken away then she looked up and Nick and Octavia and realized that they were smiling at her. "Come on honey," said Octavia, "let's go have a sauna."

She took Nick's hand and standing said, "What's a sauna?"

"It is where we go to relax."

A few minutes later the three were sitting in Octavia's sauna. The walls were bright white sweetwood, the wood that smells so heavenly when burning on a fire, here in the sauna it smelled almost as sweet, or maybe it's the girls, thought Nick. He sat on a bench with Octavia's head in his lap and Ning sitting next to him, resting her head on his shoulder. "What do you think darling?"

"It hot," gasped Ning.

"This is like the desert in Four Ecks," said Nick, "hot and dry." He leaned forward and poured a dipper of water over the rocks and soon the sauna was filled with steam. "This is like summer in Bhangbhangduc."

"So hot," sighed Ning as Nick began to squeeze her small breast and pinch her hard nipple with his left hand. With his right hand he cupped Octavia's large breast and pinched her nipple. It seemed tonight her breasts were firmer than normal, it felt so odd to have a cute little breast in one hand, a large, beautiful breast in the other, yet at the same time it felt perfect. The three soaked in the heat and the love in the room, it felt like this was their commitment for the rest of their lives.

As the steam cleared and the heat dried out, Octavia sat up and gave Ning a long, sweet kiss. "Now comes the best part," said Octavia.

"Sex?" asked the small Agatean woman, her dark, almond shaped eyes flashing in excitement.

"Not yet," said Nick. "This heated up, you won't last long." Octavia led them outside to where a large window covered the wall, they could see the festivities in Lancre far below them. Suddenly Octavia raised the window, and they were treated to a winter breeze, full of snow.

Ning shouted something in Agatean, and it probably wasn't complimentary, but when Octavia closed the window her skin felt alive, she felt completely refreshed. "So good!" she cried. "Do you go back in and do it again?"

"Sometimes after a hard day," said Nick, "but you can lose a lot of water and pass out. They returned to the turret room and Octavia gave Ning a tall glass of water.

"Drink slow..." The cool water sliding down her throat felt so good, she didn't realize how thirsty she was and couldn't help but drink the whole huge glass.

"Come on darling," said Nick and Octavia at the same time, long term lovers introducing Ning into their arms. Suddenly the fire in the fireplace sprang to life and crackled merrily. The perfume of sweetwood filled the tower as Octavia gently pushed Nick on to his back and she led Ning over Nick. She lined herself up to lower onto his throbbing cock but Octavia tried to move her forward onto Nick's tongue, but she resisted. "It's ok," whispered Octavia.

Ning shook her head. "No... bite..."

Then Nick looked at Ning's thighs and muttered, "By the gods!" the poor woman's inner thighs were covered with bite scars, "Who would do such a thing?"

"Shì Hai," whimpered Ning.

Shì Hai was the mad emperor, father of Fu Ki, the insane child emperor that Nick fell on. Unfortunately for Fu Ki, Nick was a full size Agatean dragon, sort of like an armored saber tooth tiger with wings and an attitude, and about 20 feet from nose to tail. He crushed Fu Ki and that's how Nick became the temporary Agatean emperor for a year.

"Shhhh... shhh..." said Octavia as she lay Ning down next to Nick and then lay down next to her. "We are here to heal. You, me, Nick, all three of us..." They gently stroked their fingers over the tiny Agatean woman, calming her, soothing her. "I can heal these scars outside; the ones inside will take longer." As Octavia's hands brushed over Ning's skin the scars from years of abuse at the hands of Shì Hai faded away and she had Ning roll over on her tummy to reveal a series of scars on her back from being whipped. Soon they were gone also.

The three cuddled and kissed allowing their love that was finally released to wash over them. To Nick it became as normal and natural as cuddling on a cold winter evening with his wife of nearly two decades, and just as sweet. For Ning the sorrow and loneliness that she suffered her entire life was just a bad memory, she finally found the love she always heard of in ballads, now it's here with two dear friends. And for Octavia, this is what being the Enchantress is all about, it's just a lot easier and more satisfying to enchant someone who already loves you, it actually takes very little magic at all. She just hoped she wasn't too late...

As they kissed and snuggled together, Ning couldn't get enough of Octavia's large breasts. Her tiny hands were filled with Octavia's flesh and Ning leaned in to suckle on Octavia's nipple. As she was exploring Octavia's body, Nick gently kissed lower and lower until he neared Ning's pussy. When his kisses neared her pussy she panicked and tried to push his head away. "That's not fair," he whispered. "You got to go down on me, I'll be gentle."

"I..." she panicked, the old fears were coming back but Nick was gentle and sweet and she began to relent.

"It's ok, honey," whispered the Enchantress, "he is very sweet."

And he was as gentle as he promised. He gently kissed and licked her sensitive inner thighs. His gentle sensations were starting to get to her and as she realized for the first time that she could feel pleasure from a man's mouth down there she slowly eased her legs apart. All the time Octavia kissed and whispered to Ning as Nick pleasured her tender inner thighs. As Ning explored Octavia's breasts, Octavia returned the favor and caressed Ning's tiny mounds. They were so small, like her own daughters budding breasts, but these were on a mature woman. She squeezed and pinched Ning's hard nipples bringing cries of pleasure from her lover.

Nick's tender kisses and licks drew closer and closer to Ning's pussy, the pleasure he was causing soon began to defeat her fears. By the time his lips and tongue made contact with her weeping pussy she was ready for him. "Let him love you Ning," whispered Octavia. "You've waited a long time for us, here we are..."

Nick kissed around and around Ning's pussy, his lips just barely brushing hers, his tongue gently flickering at her pussy, over and over. The pleasure was now building, Octavia could see the need in her almond shaped eyes. "Let him love you, he wants to hear you sigh."

"I AM sighing," whispered Ning, her eyes rolling in pleasure.

"Ask him to lick you, that's what he wants to hear," said Octavia as she began to gently suckle on Ning's hard nipple.

"Ahhh... mmm..." Ning was making little mewling sounds as Nick gently licked her pussy lips. "Chi wa! Chi wa!" {lick me} she cried as Nick's tongue began to love her clit. Octavia could see the excitement in the little woman's eyes, Nick was definitely playing with fire as he continued to lick and suckle at her clit. Ning planted her feet on the mattress and her hips began to raise and her body began to shudder at the pleasure that Nick and Octavia were causing in the Agatean beauty. "Ai wa! Ai wa!" {Love me} she cried.

"I do love you," gasped Nick, as she grabbed his head and held his mouth to her pussy and she screamed as her orgasm crashed over her. Wave after wave of delicious release coursed through her and she squeaked and squealed as her mind was no longer her own.

Finally she pushed Nick away and lay panting, her small breasts rising and falling. As she calmed down she saw that Nick was drawing up close between her legs, his cock looked thick and angry as he cocked his hips forward and Octavia grasped his cock and ran the head of his cock up and down Ning's damp slit. "Fuck her," Octavia gasped, "Tā mā de tā," she said for Ning's benefit.

Octavia guided Nick's cock into Ning's tiny pussy and Ning squealed in pleasure as she was gently stretched out by Nick's cock. "Tā mā de wǒ!" She cried for the first time in her life, "fuck me!"

Nick began fucking her slowly, building up speed as the little Agatean woman ran her hands over his chest, still finely muscled from his long hours working on the farm. Octavia caressed her lovers, kissing Ning's nipples and reaching between them to gently stroke her clit, driving her higher and higher, her squeals of ecstasy filled the tower.

At some point during their love making, Nick rolled on to his back and Ning lowered her trembling pussy on to his mouth while Octavia lowered hers on to Nick's cock and began to rise and lower himself on his pole. The women began kissing as their passions grew, fondling each other's breasts as they whimpered. "Here he comes," said Octavia with a grin. Her husband began fucking upward wildly then he lifted Octavia with his hips as his orgasm crashed over him. He came, spurting over and over into his enchantress, the woman he loves most and soon the three of them collapsed in a heap of flesh.

Panting and kissing the lovers slowly returned to reality wondering at the marvel of it all. "Ahhh," sighed Nick as he lay back on the bed. "This is fun, whose idea was this?" He was soon pelted with pillows by his lovers.

Later, in the quiet of the night, Octavia woke and noticed that Nick was standing by the window watching the celebrations wind down far below. She got up and hugged Nick from behind and Ning joined the hug. He was trembling as he gazed at the revelers far below, knowing that someday every one of them would be turning to him for guidance and protection. "Scared?" she asked as they watched the last of the fireworks rise up over the happy town.

"Shitless."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Spring arrived in a sunny, splashy celebration of mud, and as it did, the construction of Wayne Manor began. Nick bought Sieffre Merrick's house and hoped to upgrade that, but several carpenters showed him were the house was falling apart from age and neglect. In the end he and Octavia chose to tear it down and build anew. Workers from Lancre and Überwald arrived to tear down the old house and try to salvage the lumber but so much suffered from age and dry rot, what was salvageable was used to build a small barn in the back, but in the end most of that old wood was burned.

Overnight a beautiful fieldstone wall began to assemble itself around the border of the property which stretched back into the woods. Nick assigned Marlon to oversee the construction of it because it was going to be his home some day and soon Marlon and Annette were apprentice carpenters.

One day as spring melted into summer while Marlon and Annette were working on the exterior, a large crystalline blue troll stepped out of the woods and walked up to the construction site and said, "I need to talk to da duke."

"The duke is a busy man," said Marlon knowing full well that Nick was spending the day with Octavia and Ning up in the mountain castle. "I'm his son, how can I help you?"

"I have reason ta believe dat his life is in danger," said Alexandrite. "I hear rumors of a plot."

"You should tell the police," said Marlon as he and Annette hung a shutter next to a large window.

Alexandrite stepped aside and there was that man, Ivo Stein. The guy that knocked up their grandmother. But now he was scrawny, drawn and pale. "We will tell da police, but da duke needs ta be there."

"What happened to you?" Marlon asked.

"Please, I need to speak to Pommy," said Ivo who suddenly realized he was speaking to Marlon. "Is the curse lifted?"

"No, I wasn't born in Creel Springs. Please wait here," said Marlon and he stepped out of the house, broke into a sprint, and ran for the bookstore. He dashed through L-Space and in moments was in the Castle retreat that Nick had discovered years ago. The Castle was a retreat built by the Mountain Ergonian Elves, a last refuge for the last elves on the discworld. Only Nick can open the main door, but he created a library inside that reached L-Space and his family used this as their storm shelter. Somehow fairies and gnomes can get in and out but Nick never worried about that.

As Marlon stepped into the Castle library he saw there the ancient book Vanemate Rasside Jõud The Power of the Elder Races, probably the oldest book in existence. Nick restored that book years ago before he married Octavia, and he told Marlon that's where his power to change shape came from. With the disbelief of youth Marlon always thought it was the magical radiation that Nick absorbed from the Unseen University as a kid.

"Mom?" called Marlon. "Dad?" there was no answer from the labyrinth of corridors. He remembered how to get down to the garden, they spent much of the winter relaxing there and swimming in the warm pond. They weren't in there, but Marlon said hi to Mr. Higrower the head garden gnome and picked a pair of perfectly ripe peaches to share with Annette.

"Mom? Dad? Miss Ning?" Ning was probably here, since she was named envoy to the Duchy of Wægn by the Emperor of Agatea (her son and Marlon's fishing buddy) she's practically moved in. "Hello?"

"We're here," called his mother as the three of them came up an ancient set of stone steps.

"You went in the basement?" asked Marlon. No one goes into the basement. It's dark, scary, and uncharted.

"We went to take a look," said his dad. "Why are you here? I thought you and the duchess were going to put up curtains."

"We were finishing up the shutters when a blue troll stepped out of the forest and said that she knows about a plot against you."

"There's always plots against me."

"The troll brought grandpa with, and he looks bad."

"What do you mean bad?"

"He looks dried out, like a piece of jerkey, and like he hasn't eaten in a year."

Without a word out loud (he and Octavia were already conversing) Nick led them into L-Space. They emerged from the Book Store where the twins were sorting books. Lou and Loo-Loo loved the bookstore and would spend every moment in it if they could. They're teaching elementary reading and writing to children for Nick and are doing an incredible job with adult education. Without a word the four trooped outside and crossed over Main Street to the construction site.

The building that will become Wægn Manor was complete, they were outfitting it with the outlandish ideas that Octavia came up with like indoor plumbing... a proper outhouse isn't good enough for her? And built in stoves in every room so you only heat what is being used? How unique. There at the construction site a huge blue crystalline troll stood, guarding a small, withered man, Nick nearly didn't recognize him from their last meeting eight years ago. He was pale, drawn, and he had lost a lot of weight. Annette stood far apart from him, he had considered raping her, and she somehow put a curse on him that didn't allow him to speak to anyone born in Creel Springs.

"I am Duke Worblehat-Stein," Nick said to the troll, "how can I help you and what happened to Ivo?"

"I think it would be best in Mr. Stein's words," rumbled Alexandrite. There was a small crowd of children (almost all of them delivered by Nick) around the troll because it had been a long time since a troll had been in Creel Springs and the children had never seen one.

Nick turned to Ivo and said, "What happened?"

"Well, your majesty, I woz workin' in the coal mine, hardest work ah ever done in my life, and it was real work, ya know what I mean? Yeah, ah got filthy but ah was producin' something, and I was finally free of skim." {Skim was alcohol that was laced with drugs, usually a "brain relaxant" called dibble. It was very popular in the gutters of Ankh-Morpork and was served at speakeasies around the Shades. Skim is highly addictive and extremely destructive.}

"Then what?"

"Then Mr. Drainpipe came to us prisoners in the coal pit and said, 'I'm planning a little action on Bear Mountain, there's a mine there that I want and anyone that joins our group gets a cut in the gold.' I don't truck wit' no claim jumpin, and I says so. Next thing I know, me an' all th' boys who said they didn't wanna go to war for a greedy dwarf get sent to the salt mine."

"He's da only one left," said Alexandrite. "Da salt isn't work for human, Cadwalader sends humans there to die."

"Where do you fit in on all of this Madam Alexandrite?"

"I was Drainpipe's assistant until I discovered what he was doin. He's tied up with Viktorija Singe."

"When does he plan to do this?" asked Captain Preston Prescott of the Highway Watch.

"Don't know, but soon. He kept talking about 'campaigning season,'" said Alexandrite. Nick and Preston looked at each other and shrugged, neither of them knew what campaigning season was. "It's a dwarf thing," said Alexandrite. "They do their war making in campaigning season, which is summer and summer started today."

"Ok, Preston, can you transport Ivo and Miss Alexandrite over to the palace, tell Stan to put him in the upper level with medical attention. Madam Alexandrite, you need to speak to Lord Hargrave or Lord Baltimore, tell them Pommy sent you. I'm going over to the other side of Bear Mountain to talk to Axemir and Eryri."

"Dear..." interrupted Octavia. "The wedding." When Nick gave her a blank look she repeated, "The wedding!"

"The baker is coming by at one o'clock tomorrow to give us samples of her cake," said Annabelle, the mother of the bride. The wedding between Marlon and Annette was going to be on her 18th birthday, on the first of Spune which is also known as Mole Shouters Day, the feast of the harvest, the second most jolly holiday on the Ramtops calendar.

"Right, sorry. If I'm not back by noon then you will know that something is up. Stay close to the library, and if a robin farts out of tune, get to the castle." Suddenly Nick became a falcon and with a flap of his wings he was gone.

<><><><><>

It was a night of preparation for Tudful Felmet, Viktorija Singe, and Cadwalader Drainpipe. Men were moving into position all evening, and Cadwalader Drainpipe truly believed he had it easy, his men would move under steam locomotion, the others were moving on foot or in wagon. The little logging engine that worked the yard at the multiple mines on Copperhead finished its work and had the outbound loads on the outbound track before it could get started on its nefarious work, collecting every empty gondola and flat car in the mining complex. Assembling a train is easy if all the cars are in the right place, if they're scattered across two dozen sidings serving nearly as many mines, the job takes longer.

Down in Thrash, at Hot Dang where six trains come in and out every day, it seemed like the two passenger trains carried fewer passengers than the freight trains. As the freight trains eased into Hot Dang yard, men hopped off the cars and ran into the nearby lumber yard, then quietly slunk off into the thick woods. "Darndest thing," said Frisco Burlington, the tower operator at Hot Dang yard, "I been watching hobos jump off these trains all day long, it's like there's a bo convention in town."

"Didya send a clacks to Lancre Town?" asked the second trick operator Lehigh Chesapeake.

"For a buncha bo's? Nah."

"Yeah, yer right, probably wharf rats from Ankh-Morpork lookin' for work." Most loggers in the Ramtops were originally wharf rats from Quirm or Ankh-Morpork, as were most of the railroaders.

Rimward of Lancre Town the sound of marching feet echoed through the mountains. Men from small principalities were sent by their dukes and barons to "Assist in Lancre." When they reached their assembly point they were handed swords and clubs and told to be ready to move out by sunrise...

<><><><><>

Nick always enjoyed spending the night at Axemir and Eryri's mine. He usually spends it above ground in a cabin in the woods near the mine works. Their mine is getting larger and more successful. Coal and iron almost flow from the two digs that make up the mineworks and both Eryri and Axemir expect good things from their exploratory digs. A railroad bridge across the Gjorgiev River allows the old narrow gauge railroad to back up and pick up load after load from this mine and from the many Copperhead mines.

The Ankh-Morpork & Sto Plains Hygienic Railroad switched the old narrow gauge track to standard gauge but it turned out too uncomfortable for passenger traffic, so they kept that line open as a freight only short line called the Copperhead & Bear Mountain Line and built a line to Überwald on the other side of Copperhead. Nick bought a large amount of stock in the C&BML so he could keep that line open, and it's been a rousing success. They only run one train a day, from the interchange at Hot Dang, to Copperhead and back. Nick is hoping to get several fat mines in Überwald interested also.

"Are you sure you don't want any troops out here," Nick asked Eryri.

"I don't want to put you down but human troops?" said Eryri with a chuckle. "My dwarves can handle any troop of men that come waltzing in here."

"How do you know it will be men?"

"It won't be dwarves, we are ndyangu ... you humans would say family. We don't stab each other in the back, and there are as many dwarves here as on Copperhead. We pay better. And it won't be trolls, not after the Koom Valley accords." They sat around the campfire, Axemir, Eryri, Trystan, and Nick, the fire illuminated the local area, and a snap of a broken twig brought the campers to a sudden silence. And just as suddenly, Nick was gone.

"Shortly a man walked into the fire light and said, "Is this the form up area for the B team? When I got off the train I got turned around and ..." Suddenly a black Bang Galore Tiger pinned the man to the ground from behind.

"You better talk, Nick is hungry and angry," chuckled Axemir.

"I don't know!" shrieked the man. "I answered a call for mercenaries. They said bring your own sword and wear good boots."

Nick snarled in the man's ear and Axemir chuckled. "Nick wants to know what your target is."

"I don't know, they didn't say, they just said when you get to Hot Dang to jump off the train, run into the forest, and form up there. We would be transported to our target."

Nick roared in the man's ear and the man screamed. "I don't know anything more than that! I answered an ad pinned to the board at the Mercenaries Guild."

Suddenly the tiger was gone but a boot between the shoulder blades kept him pinned to the ground. "Bullshit. There's no Mercenaries Guild in Ankh-Morpork."

"SMUGGLERS GUILD! There's a smugglers guild with a bulletin board for mercenary jobs. When a good one comes up the word gets around and the smugglers let us shades rats look."

"What's your name?" demanded Nick.

"M-Mulligan... Mulligan Muldoon."

Nick shook his head; he knew a Muldoon family in the shades. All of them treated young, starving Nick like a lepper. "Where are you from," demanded Nick.

"Rope street," said the terrified mercenary wannabe. Rope Street is a slum neighborhood in the shades of Ankh-Morpork, it's on the riverfront.

"Did you know that the crown prince of this land is from Monkey Street?" There's no love lost between Rope Street and Monkey Street. Their mutual hatred was annually "played" out in a Hogswatch day "game" of Foot the Ball. Points were tallied by the number of life-threatening injuries you gave the other team. "Get his sword Trystan." Eagerly the young dwarf eased the sword out of the sheath and handed it to Nick who studied it in the fire light. It was engraved "Duke of Ankh" in the shining steel blade. The hilt was jeweled and encrusted with diamonds. This was a good steel sword, it was a show sword to be worn at ceremonies, but it was solid enough to be a fighting sword. "Where did you get it?"

"I won it in a game of Cripple Mister Onion from a guy named Sydd."

"Can you read Mulligan?"

"No, no sir."

"This sword belonged to my friend Samuael Vimes." That's when Mulligan Muldoon showed that he knew Sam Vimes by soiling himself.

"Smells like poo came out," laughed Trystan as a few dwarves and a troll showed up, attracted by the noise.

"I agree with you, Tryss," said Nick using the nick name he gave Trystan at his birth. "Hey guys, can you put this fellow up for the night in the deep down? Oh, and give me the sheath, and any weapons he has on him." When handed the sheath he saw engraved, "From your loving wife Sybil." Nick thought about the past fifteen minutes and frowned. Some morons from the shades came all the way out here for a mercenary job.

"Is there a problem friend?" asked his old pal Axemir.

"I'm going to spend the night and head back before one PM. Some baker is going to give samples of wedding cake to Annette, Annabelle and Octavia." He sighed, his marriage to Octavia was handled by the ghost of a dead witch. They went straight from "I do" to the honeymoon with no one else involved. Why can't Marlon and Annette do the same?

<><><><><>

The engineer of the old logging locomotive "Beulah" didn't get the train straightened out until sunrise which infuriated Drainpipe, they were supposed to be at Bear Mountain by then. "Ya shoulda let me build up the train yesterday," snarled the engineer to Drainpipe who was fuming over every delay. Worst of all, the locomotive was out of coal and water after a full night of shunting cars. It pushed its loaded train through the collier and loaded up the tender, then ran to the tank where the thirst of the gear driven loco was quenched.

Beula was a gear driven locomotive, instead of pulling and pushing on the main driving wheels the pistons are arranged to travel up and down which turns a crank shaft which becomes a drive shaft which eventually turns the wheels. Instead of huge wheels, the wheels on the locomotive were just a few inches larger than the wheels on the freight cars. It's not fast but it's incredibly powerful and runs great on rough track.

The engineer, Fenwick Reading, and his fireman Pancho Ferrocarril eased the troop train back and forth through the switches to move from the back end of the rail complex to the main line and since Cadwalader Drainpipe was only paying the Engineer and the fireman and there were no brake men on the train, the process was longer because the locomotive cannot be moved without both the fireman and the engineer in the cab. Pancho would hop out throw the switch hop back in the cab, the train would pull through the switch, then Pancho had to walk back throw it for the next track, walk back to the locomotive and they'd pull through the switch again. Eventually Drainpipe became the brakeman and threw the switches.

The troop train moved onto the main line many hours late, and Cadwalader Drainpipe grabbed a hand hold and swung his way up into the cab. "Pushing? You're pushing the train?"

"Yeah, so...?" Fenwick didn't understand Drainpipe's reluctance to push the train, locomotives work fine in both directions.

"Shouldn't you be pulling the train?" asked a panicky Drainpipe.

"I will be when we head back."

Drainpipe fought to maintain his composure. "Can't you make it go faster?"

"This is as fast as it goes, the throttle is full open." The short piston stroke and the small wheels of Beula made it sound like it was roaring along at 80 miles per hour, but it didn't feel anywhere close to that.

"We're barely doing thirty miles per hour!"

"Twenty three," said Pancho and he proudly tapped the speedometer. "Beula's never been over eighteen miles per hour before."

"Can't you go faster?"

"Yes, if we ask all those fellows to hop off." Fenwick looked at the train they were pushing, three gondolas and seven flat cars filled with miners looking to take over a mine on Bear Mountain. Even at this sedate pace they were losing guys in ones and twos due to tussling and rough housing. The miners were armed with hammers and iron bars and none of them had any combat experience.

The sun was up when they saw a locomotive headlight far up the tracks. "Shit," muttered Fenwick. "The Copperhead Turn is on time today." Nobody could have predicted that miracle of railroading. There's one scheduled train on the C&BM Line and it is rarely close to its scheduled time, but then, it's the only train out on the main line, there's three areas where shunters may occupy the main but that's pretty rare, and the daily turn is never in danger of hitting another train on the main... until this day.

The original plan was to attack in a pre-dawn lightning strike and intentionally let the miners of Stronginthehead Mining send out a panicky clacks message begging for help from Lancre Town. That should draw Watch constables away from Creel Springs before Phase II starts. Hopefully Phase two pulls the palace guard from Lancre Town.

But Phase 1 was in trouble. It was nearly 10 o'clock, the time the Copperhead Turn is scheduled to arrive at Stronginthehead Mining and drop off empty cars on track #2. At 3:00 PM it picks up loads as it heads back to Hot Dang yard. Fenwick Reading closed the throttle and let her coast for a while then he applied the brakes. "What are you doing?" screamed Drainpipe and he fought to reach the throttle.

"Ah'm stopping ya dern fool. Or do you want that train to hit us and kill your men?"

The moment the train stopped; the men began to leap off the train as planned. However, they weren't stopped in front of the mining complex, there was thick woods on either side, so the men didn't know what side to jump off of the train. Fenwick blew the whistle three times indicating that he was backing up, and the men that hadn't jumped off took that as the signal to jump off.

Now the Phase 1 force was a confused mass a mile from their objective and they had no idea where to go. They were told to get off the train when it stops, cross the river on the railroad bridge and surround the mine entrance. They saw no bridge, no mine; any advantage of surprise was lost... but they were just going to fight a bunch of dwarves, right? All they do is drink and sing about gold, right? Drainpipe jumped off to take command and saw their train retreating toward Copperhead at much faster than 23 MPH.

The Second Battle of Bear Mountain

Herbert Atchison and his fireman Dennis Topeka leaned out the cab windows of 88, a fairly new locomotive with eight driving wheels, a big 2-8-0 locomotive, their conductor, Alexander Fe stood on the ground glaring at his watch. The 88 is more of a main line locomotive but the Duke of Wægn bought it and named it The Octavia. It was a sweet locomotive; the fire always burns perfectly. No matter where the fireman pitched the coal in the fire box, the coal crawled to the place where it was needed most. Just like magic.

"What's up Herb?" asked Axemir as he and Nick walked up. The switching was done, the train should be chuffing its way up to Copperhead. The late morning light glinted off a new fall of snow up on the peak of the huge mountain reminding everyone that in a few more months it will be time to close up the Bear Mountain mine. The Deep Downers will remain to dig exploratory shafts, but the main "bread and butter" digs will shut down.

"There's a train occupying the main ahead."

"So?" asked Nick.

Dennis patted the side of the cab proudly. "Octavia is the only girl on the railroad allowed to occupy the main."

"Railroaders don't go joy riding," said Floyd. He was obviously upset that someone was on HIS track. The piercing shriek of three toots of the whistle was heard from the other train. "She's backin' up."

"What the hells..." muttered Nick. He quickly became a black Lancre Eagle and was winging his way to where the train was. As he flew over the forest he saw men working their way across the Gjorgiev River and into the forest and he saw that the train was made up of empty flat cars, so it obviously dropped the men off. He turned and dove for the forest and surveyed the men as he rocketed back to the mine.

Nick landed next to The Octavia and climbed into the cab. "Floyd, I have a job for you. Back up a couple of miles then wait two hours, then come back and stop and wait for instructions.

"You got it yer majesty." Floyd pulled the whistle cord for three quick toots, and they began slowly rolling back. Nick hopped off at the bridge and jogged over to where Axemir and Eryri were waiting. "There's a huge bunch of men on their way, they jumped off a train, swam across the river and are now coming through the woods.

"They're going to be exhausted before they get here," said Axemir with a grin.

Trystan swung his pickaxe eagerly, "bring 'em on."

Eryri looked utterly panicked and Nick caught that. Nick took him aside and said, "Triss, I need a reporter, someone who can sit up on that ledge watch the entire episode and write down what he sees so we can present it to the king. Of all the dwarves you write the best. Can you do this for me?"

Trystan grinned, he wanted to fight but the prince was asking him to do something important. "Yes m'lord."

"Good go get your pencils and paper and get up there quick so you don't miss a moment of the action. And thank you."

As Trystan dashed off, Eryri came up to Nick and grasped his arm. "Thank you m'lord."

"When did that change from Nick?"

"I can't lose another," she wept as she clutched his arm. Before fate threw her and Axemir together, Eryri had a husband and son, both were killed in a shaft collapse.

"You can join Tryss if you want. You don't have to be here," said Nick.

"Yes I do," said Eryri and she unbraided her beard and wiped off her lipstick with her sleeve. "I'm an adult dwarf with a mine to protect."

"Let's protect it," said Nick as he buckled on Sam's ceremonial sword and tucked a dwarven gladius into his belt.

Thee Second Battle of Bear Mountain

Reported by Trystan Stronginthehead.

Eleven Years Old.

As I took up station assigned to me by Crown Prince Worbblie .... Pommonari ... Prince Nick I had excellent view of thee field of battle. I saw him stand on thee elevated oar car tracks, firm in purpose and armed with thee fabled blade he called Vimes. Prince Nick reported that thee army of Copperhead leapt from their train far up thee Lancre line and swam across thee river and now are advancing on thee Bear Mountain Iron and Coal Works. If they were smart they would have stayed in thee river and let it carry them close. It was a warm day and thee river was plesent.

Dwarf scouts harassed and pummeled thee human rearguard with cudgel and truncheon as Crown Prince Nick demanded No Killing unless they truly neede it. Now thee forces of Bear Mountain marched out of Shaft #1 with sword and pike. Man and dwarf stood before thee elevated tracks ready to defend their mine and their prince.

I saw thee human force step out of thee forest, later Prince Nick told me they were exhast ... fatige ... they were tired. Thee Prince bellowed in a manly voice, "STOP!" next to him my dad Axemir Stronginthehead bellowed in a dwarven voice "ZAUSTAVITI!" which in Low Dwarven means "STOP!" sort of.

Thee human army from Copperhead decided apon themselves to continue thee attack and they charged over thee open ground. Suddenly Prince Nick was a twenty foot long golden dragon his scales glistening in thee sun light. He roared an ear splitting roar and hollered a flame high into thee sky. Many humans stopped but many continued. Thee dragon took to wing and sored low over thee battle field knocking down humans like skittle pins in thee Bare Bear Pub.

Thee Prince was human again and stood at thee side of dwarves and yelleth, "Do not make me burn you!" He drew thee fabled blade Vimes and held it high and it glinted in thee sun light.

A human rose up and said, "Why do you fight on thee side of dwarves?"

Prince Nick said, "I fight on thee side of Lancre. Go back to your mine, as your Prince I order you."

Just then a crazed human attacked my dad Axemir Stronginthehead but Prince Nick stepped in front of dad and stopped thee human, running him threw with thee fabled blade Vimes. "Bring me Drainpipe!" shouted Prince Nick. "Bring me Drainpipe if you want to live." He grabbed another human buy thee hairs and shouted, "BRING ME DRAINPIPE!!!"

Some men brought a dwarf forward and Prince Nick shouted, "I take your mine from you, it will be managed by mom Eryri Stronginthearm." Soon a train arrived and the defeated men leaft they're weapons behind and boarded thee train which took them back to Copperhead with mom Eryri in the lead.

Thus ended thee second battle of Bear Mountain

By

Trystan Stronginthehead

Flanker Wheatbucket was a young goblin on the clacks system, stationed at Bear Mountain, and he and the tower operator Evan Meyrick watched the entire battle. It wasn't a grand battle, only about six deaths. "Oi've seen bigger bar fights at the Mended Drum in Ankh Morpork," said Evan. He wrote three paragraphs about the fight and handed it to Flanker. "Send this to Ankh Morpork, maybe we can get combat pay."

Flanker sent the short report back to the Grand Trunk Semaphore Company's headquarters but unless you used a specific code, anyone can read your message. The Ankh Morpork Times had "clacks monitors" for such a situation and the second battle of Bear Mountain was picked up by the newspaper, and immediately ignored.

Trystan brough his stack of papers to Nick who stood watching the train carrying the human army plus Eryri and dozen mine specialist dwarves depart for a complete inspection and overhaul of the Copperhead facilities.

"Here Uncle Nick," said Trystian in a small voice. "Thank you for not dying."

Nick felt the waves of terror return and he dropped to a knee and hugged Trystan as tightly as he could, hoping nobody notice his tears. Finally able to gather his composure he looked at the papers. "It's perfect," said Nick as he hugged the happy young dwarf. "I will be proud when you give this report to the king."

"I can do that?" asked Trystan with a happy smile.

"I want you to." A chime rang in Nick's pocket, and he pulled out his watch, he was supposed to be at the pub a half hour ago. "Gotta fly. Stay safe." And Trystan's uncle suddenly became a black eagle and was gone.

The Battle of Creel Springs

It was a beautiful day in the village of Creel Springs, Main Street was dappled with sunlight that was filtered through the green leaves. The waterwheel at the mill creaked with its charming creak, each turn caused water to splash and gurgle into the conduit under the street where it will eventually tumble into Schist creek behind the pub then eventually into the river Ankh. Insects buzzed lazily in the warm sunlight and the laughter of children playing in the millpond could be heard. In the bookstore the twins continued to inventory the biography section, chatting in their mysterious "twin lingo" that they spoke long before they could formulate words their parents could understand. The spring water available at the front of the bookstore never tasted better.

Boys played a game of Stick Ball on Main Street while amused parents watched, and if you looked between the trees you could see the fields of corn and wheat behind the buildings lazing in the sun, getting on with the business of growing. At the blacksmith shop "The Boys" were watching the blacksmith Calum McCrory work, his toil was endless and endlessly entertaining. The new hardware store was doing brisk business what with that beautiful house being built on the site of Sieffre Merrick's house. Plans for several more buildings to be built on Main Street were just waiting for the duke's approval, which would insure a banner year for the Hardware store. Octavia and Annabelle stayed out of their children's enterprise and sat on a bench in front of the pub and watched as Marlon and Annette hung the last shutter on what is now called Wægn Manor.

"That is a beautiful stone wall you made around the property," said Annabelle. "What gave you the idea for the lamp columns?" The wall incorporated square stone columns with a lamp on top every ten feet.

"Watching Exavior and Gwendolyn try to sprint around the perimeter of the property on top of the stone wall," said Octavia. "Then I thought it would come in handy for fancy parties."

"You never had any fancy parties."

"Maybe I will now," grinned Octavia.

A brightly colored wagon rolled into town from the turnwise end, it was baby blue and covered with paintings of rainbows, flowers and cakes of all kinds. The sign on the side said in bright colors:

Madam Morve la Vomissure, Baker

Cakes, Cup Cakes, Cookies, Bread

Weddings, Birthdays, Parties

Dwarf Bread a specialty!

"Is this the one?" asked Octavia.

The mother of the bride, Annabelle, nodded. "She needs to be really good to be better than Ena or you. But it's a free trial." Both women shrugged then broke up into giggles and rose to meet Madam Morve 'la Vommissure.

"So are you the happy couple, no?" asked a large, loud woman with purple hair stacked in waves on her head. Annabelle raised an eyebrow, Octavia raised two, then breaking into a huge laugh Madam Morve said, "Non! Of course not! One of you is ze muzzer of ze bride! Is it... you?"

"Yes! How did you guess?" said Annabelle.

"Because ze muzzer of ze groom was pointing at you. Shall we take ze samples inside? No?" she drew several sheet pans out of the back of the wagon and suddenly she was surrounded by the bride, the groom, their siblings, a sibling's boyfriend, and their grandmothers. "Are you all family? My goodness!"

{Mark Ivers is a probationary Watch Constable and is not family. He and Hollie have an antagonistic relationship based on puppy love, mutual respect, and an aggressive form of competition. The only time they're not arguing is when they're kissing.}

Inside the pub Madam Morve 'la Vomissure went onto her sales pitch. She was loud and the chatter never ended. She continued her pitch with a few trays of delicacies on the table and handed out samples to everyone there including Ena McCrory the barmaid. Madam Morve's full volume sales pitch echoed off the walls and it began to grate on everyone's nerves, but Annabelle and Octavia were enjoying her accent... "Would you like to try ze three choco-lat fudge brownie? Eet is a specialty of ze chefs of Quirm."

Catrin Stein looked at Jutta Adana and whispered, "fake accent." Jutta nodded in agreement; her accent was as phony as the recipes she was spouting out. Jutta worked in the kitchens of a slave farm; she knows how to bake {although she is pleased to let her daughter do it for her.} Madam Morve was as phony as the recipes she was reciting. She was a salesman at best, but Catrin feared for the worst.

Madam Morve loudly went on and on about how she baked each and every morsel and the aural blast drown out the sound of large canvas covered wagons being rolled into town and men hopping out of them. There were twelve wagons, but a cliff collapse on the main road blocked half of them. As the men in the stranded wagons worked to clear the road the remaining six wagons rolled into Creel Springs and disgorged their load. Two men peeked into the bookstore and looked around. None of their targets were in there. "Watchhouse" said one man and they began moving to the other end of town.

"Lastly! Ze piece d' resistance!" bellowed Madam Morve. "Ze In-Law cake!" and she held a dish with two small pieces of cake with buttercream frosting, Octavia's favorite kind. She tasted half a bite and immediately felt weak, she felt her powers draining away just like when that octiron was near... Octiron!

Octavia looked at Madam Morve's grin and suddenly screamed, "Castle! Castle! Castle!"

The siblings looked at each other in confusion but Catrin and Jutta took over, "RUN! Go to the castle! Let's go!" they hustled the Worblehat-Stein kids and the Prescott's with them, and they dashed to the bookstore. They had been through this drill before; this time they swept Annette and Nathan Prescott and Mark Ivers along with them. Nick and Octavia rarely went with them, the kids needed to find their own way to the castle, the idea was that mom and dad would stay behind to fight off the danger. The kids didn't turn and see their mother collapse to the ground.

Annabelle had taken one wiff of her piece of cake and smelled it, Octiron! The dangerous metal that can rob a magic user of their power. "DON'T!" she cried to Octavia but it was too late, the enchantress was collapsing to the ground. She stuffed her piece of cake into Madam Morve's mouth, but Madam Morve laughed maniacally and spit it out at her. So, Annabelle took the truncheon from her uniform belt and gave Madam Morve a "Love Tap" to the side of the head and almost immediately the illusion dropped as she sank to the floor. Annabelle was looking into the face of former Baroness Viktorija Singe. "You're under arrest bitch." Then she turned to Octavia who was unconscious. She stuck her fingers down Octavia's throat trying to induce vomiting as she turned to Ena and shouted "Epicac!"

Meanwhile the dash from the pub to the bookstore was noticed by gangs of thugs that were walking around the streets looking for any authority figure, primarily Nick. Eleven people sprinting from the pub to the bookstore certainly got their attention. A thug grabbed Hollie and the young man in uniform that was with her swung his truncheon and shattered the thug's forearm. Mercenaries surrounded them and the kids got inside, Mark Ivers shouted, "Go! I'll cover you, lock the door!" and he stood in front of the door fighting back the threat.

The Boys, the old men that stood around the Blacksmith's forge watching the blacksmith convert iron bars into useful items, had their back to the trouble and didn't notice. Calum saw the trouble brewing and said to The Boys "Get to the pub, hurry." The boys are old farmers and not known sprinters, but they're right next to the pub and that was more shelter than the open blacksmith shop. He gave several iron bars to Tiernan Brighid and grabbed a hammer in each hand. "Hurry Merle! I'm buying!" that did it and Merle Rorie broke into a stiff jointed sprint and they were soon in the pub with the door bolted behind them.

"MARK!" screamed Hollie as she ducked into the bookstore. She reached for Mark but he kicked the door shut and stood in front of the door, truncheon, Billy club, and brass knuckles all swinging and slashing at men who were trying to follow the children.

"LOCK THE DOOR!" he shouted and with four thugs attacking him Hollie closed her eyes and slid the bolt closed and all the windows magically slammed closed and latched. Mark turned and saw everyone squeezing through the bookshelves as more men approached the store. Luckily Hollie was in the depths of L-Space and didn't see Mark go down. Soon the bookstore was filled with the sound of boots kicking Mark's collapsed body, clubs and sword hilts banging on the windows but not a single window broke. One thug threw a torch on a wood pile next to the building. The wood pile left over from Woodpile Wednesday caught fire and soon blazed fiercely but the building never caught fire. They dragged Mark's bloody, broken body away from the door and began throwing themselves at the door but it held.

About that moment Ning Hau Chung, special envoy to the Duke and Duchess of Wægn stepped out of the bookshelves, she was late, she was supposed to be there with Octavia and Nick as they tasted the bakers samples. Instead of a quiet summer day she saw the flames licking at the widdershins side of the bookstore through the windows and faces of angry men pressing at the other windows. Through the front windows she saw mayhem, the Emporium was in flames, mobs attacked lone watchmen, and women in torn clothing were being chased. With a scream she dashed back into the bookshelves.

"Wha duh fuck is goin' on wit dis store Mortie?" asked Saud.

"I dunno," said Mortie, the brains of the outfit. "Let's find out." While ten mercenaries tried everything they could to break into a bookstore which stood on that lot since before the first stone was laid for Lancre Castle, the rest turned to attacking the small village. Women were pulled out of their houses and stripped then forced to watch their husbands being beaten. They didn't notice something large and angry heading their way.

<><><><><>

"Where's mama?" demanded Gwendolyn.

"I don't know," said Marlon. "Annette's mom was there with her; she's probably fixing whatever is going on." {Octavia was lying next to a pool of her own vomit, hoping she flushed out the octiron filings in the cake. A wolf crouched over her snapping at anyone who entered while two black smiths, Trei Metsker and Calum McCrory broke any bone that came through a broken window with a hammer}

Hollie dragged Marlon off to the side and said, "They're tearing the town apart. Just before I stepped out of the pub I saw Mom collapse."

"Damn it damn it damn it." Marlon stalked down to the end of the hallway where an arrow slit peered out onto the mountain. "I gotta do something!" he opened a closet which turned out to be a small armory. He withdrew a couple of crossbows, cocked them and left then next to the arrow slit, ready to be used. Then he found a sword and strapped it on, but the sword was a heavy great sword; It would never do. He found a calvary saber and strapped that on and it felt just right.

He headed back to the library and the family was gone, but he could hear them arguing down the hall. Grandma Jutta and Grandma Catrin were herding them to the garden where they could eat and go swimming. He stood at the entrance to the library trying to remember the look on his mom's face as she told them to go to the Castle. She was collapsing, she was sick, he's got to save her! At the same time, he was leaning on a book that was on its own special stand, Vanemate Rasside Jõud The Power of the Elder Races. He didn't notice the tingling as he was filled with the power of the elder races, but then, neither did his father when it happened to him.

He turned and headed toward the family, he missed Gaspode, he needed that old dog now. Gaspode was a talking wirehaired terrier that had street smarts, but he died of old age when Marlon was six. Remy is great but he's a wolf, he doesn't have the cynical wisdom of his grandfather Gaspode. Marlon dashed up to Annette and put his paws on her leg and brushed his paws trying to get her attention. "Gaspode?" she said looking down at Marlon. "You look just like Gaspode!" suddenly it was Marlon that was standing in front of her.

"You can change?" cried Loo-Loo.

"I guess so, I was thinking of Gaspode and didn't realize it." Suddenly he became a huge wererabbit that stalks the plains of the continent of Four Ecks. The Dingaroo was probably the dirtiest fighter of the Animal Kingdom and Marlon could feel the blood lust rush through his veins. "I'm going back," said Marlon as he returned to his body.

"You can't, they'll get in the bookstore," said Lou.

"I'm not going back through L-Space." He gave each of his sisters a kiss and said, "I'm going to go save mom, or at least protect her until Dad gets back."

He gave Annette a kiss and said, "I'll be back for you when it's all clear."

"No, not just a kiss, leave me something more," the little blond demanded.

Marlon understood and he turned to Hollie and said, "You're a witch now, marry us."

Hollie looked at Marlon and Annette and neither had a doubt in their eyes. Marlon looked at his grandmothers and neither said a word, but both were sniffling into a handkerchief.

"Annette," said Holly, "I need to know you weren't coerced into this, that this is your idea."

"I have been waiting for this moment for my entire life."

"Marlon same question, if you've been coerced it ends here."

"No, I need to be her husband. I've loved her since the day she was born."

"Hold hands, then hold my hands," she said and when the triangle was complete, for the first time she felt no familial relationship. Every couple she's touched before is somehow related to each other no matter how slightly. Families are huge in Lancre. "Ok this is it, last test. If you want to leave, go." but neither Marlon nor Annette moved. "Dad's going to kill all three of us you know. Look each other in the eye, tell them you love them and kiss. You're married."

As he and Annette kissed they could hear Catrin and Jutta crying softly, then after their kiss they waved goodbye to their family and jogged down the corridor. Marlon led Annette down a staircase into a large white room. "We use this as kind of a stable. When we come up in a wagon we park the mules here," said Marlon. He walked up to a door and said, "Only dad can open this door, let's see if I can open it now," and he pushed, and it opened.

The moment he got it opened a wolf flashed past him. He looked around for Annette but she was gone, running off through the dense forests. "When did she learn how to do that?"

Annette felt the need to defend her home too. She didn't realize it, but she felt it, same as Marlon, she felt that Lancre was calling all of her sons and daughters to rise up and fight off the evil that is descending.

Marlon pushed the door closed and changed into an eagle, the favorite of his father, but he was inexperienced, and the skies were dark, the clouds were boiling as Lancre's anger grew, the wind was tossing him around. He was able to keep an eye on Annette as she raced from the forest and now was on the sprint into the village. For a moment he lost his concentration, returned to his body, and began to fall. He panicked even after seeing his father changed back to human midflight. He can't change from one animal to another, he has to return to human first, and Marlon changed into the great roc, another horror of the Four Ecks continent. The roc wasn't as fast as the eagle, but it was powerful, able to fight back against the winds that Lancre was tossing about.

He lost track of Annette as she dashed into the woods, but he noticed one of the mercenaries chasing a woman up Nana Partridges drive, the road that leads to his families' cottage. He went into a dive recognizing that it was Lynet Borsen, a friend of his and one of the first children his dad had delivered. As he watched the man grabbed Lynet from behind, she twisted out his grip but in the process she lost her shirt. Topless she continued to run toward the Duke's cottage with a laughing madman at her heels.

Marlon let the roc do all the calculating as he dove. He plunged from the sky like a rock, the ground racing up at him, at the very last moment he pulled out of the tremendous dive and sank his talons into the mercenaries' shoulders. With a tremendous flap of the wings, he lifted the mercenary into the air and carried the screaming mercenary higher and higher. Marlon was several hundred feet in the air before releasing him with a graceful toss over the forest. The would-be rapist screamed in terror as he fell to his death.

Again the roc plunged to the ground, this time he used his massive wings to stop his downward plummet and he stopped in front of Lynet and changed back to his human form still a few feet off the ground. He dropped to the ground in what he hoped would be a jaunty pose on one knee but to be honest, he just forgot that he was still in the air when he changed.

"Are you ok?" Marlon asked Lynet as he knelt next to the crying woman.

"Guen... they took Guen," she cried. Guen is her twin sister.

"Where? Where did they take her?"

"Into one of their wagons..."

"Get up to my cottage, it's quiet there still, grab any clothes that fit," said Marlon and he was gone, skimming over the woods headed to Creel Springs. The immense roc is a bird of prey above all others, with a 25 foot wingspan it's said they can lift a cow. Marlon didn't find it to be any problem to lift a mercenary. He stayed low to the ground following Nana's Driveway, sometimes he could feel the trees brushing his wing tip feathers. Nearing Creel Springs he popped up and circled the turmoil below.

On the street he could see Preston Prescott trying to rally the remaining watch officers. It was a fierce struggle; he saw two mercenaries taunting and stabbing him and it was clear that Preston was injured. He was like a close friend more than a father-in-law to him and Marlon dropped in anger. This time he came up with two mercenaries that he released as he pulled up. This caused the shrieking mercenaries to sail through the air over the village. They hit the road and bounced and eventually stopped, most of their bones broken. There they lay, blocking traffic, slowly, painfully dying in agony.

Death hopped off his pale horse, Binky, and walked up to the quivering, bloody masses of meat. "Wow, what the fuck just happened?" ask the spirit of one of the mercenaries.

"IT APPEARS THAT YOU WERE THROWN OVER FIFTY YARDS BY AN EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY."

The spirit looked back up Main Street and far off in the distance his mates were fighting the commander of the guard. A huge bird swooped down and grabbed two more mercenaries and snatched them into the air and tossed them toward Death. "The kid has a good arm. Where's my mate Brandon?"

"HERE HE COMES..."

Death pointed to a twisted pile of broken bones and missing teeth that rolled to a stop at his feet. It was trying to untangle itself and get up off the road but his body was too fractured. "YOU ARE THE LUCKY ONE," said Death as he severed the blue line between the mercenary and his body. "YOUR SUFFERING IS OVER, HIS HAS JUST BEGUN."

Six canvas covered wagons lined the streets of Creel Springs, and one by one a giant bird lunged from the sky and ripped the canvas cover off a wagon until on the third he found four guys in a huddle around a naked Guendolyn Borsen. They were looking up wondering where the canvas went when the orange and black Bang Galore tiger leaped into the wagon and started swiping at the hired men with paws the size of a meat platter. Marlon knew that he killed the one that was trying to rape Guen, his head came to a stop in front of the bookstore and Marlon shoved the rest of his body out the back of the wagon. One other thug got a clawing that probably spilled his intestines, but Marlon didn't watch, he was trying to cover up his friend Guen who was stripped naked.

He got her out of the wagon and held the naked, weeping girl piggyback and said, "I'm going to take you to a safe place, ok?"

"Uh huh."

"Can you ride a horse?"

"Uh huh."

"Ok, I'm going to turn into a horse, you're going to hold on tight and no one will see you because we're moving too fast. Got it?"

"Uh huh." The poor girl was suffering from shock, but she held on as Marlon became a quarter horse. She whimpered in terror as the horse began to trot, then it began to run and raced up Nana Partridge's Drive, arriving at the cottage just as her twin sister stepped up on the porch.

Lynet turned and saw Guen on the back of a horse, then she was clinging to Marlon's back. He carried her piggyback into the cottage then said, "I'm going back. Our three farm hands are going to protect you, they will not come inside until you ask them."

Lynet threw her arms around Marlon and cried, "Don't go, stay here."

"I have to go find my wife."

"You married Annette Prescott?" it was more of an accusation than a question.

"Yes I did," he shrugged and stepped to the door. "I have loved her longer than I can remember."

"I know..." said Lynet as she hugged Marlon and kissed his cheek. "A girl can dream, can't she?"

"The new constable, Bricklin Vaughan, his eyes are on you constantly in the pub."

"They are?" Lynet squeaked in surprise.

Marlon returned her kiss then said, "take care of Guen, she needs you," then he stepped out on the porch and the head farmhand, Dexter was coming up to him.

Alerted to the sound of the horse and the sounds of battle coming up from the village he asked, "What's up yer majesty?"

"I hate hearing that from you," said Marlon.

"Your dad says the same thing," said Dexter who loved annoying his friends. "What's going on?"

"I don't know, it looks like someone brought six wagon loads of bandits here to raise hell. I think they poisoned mom. Lynet and Guendolin Borsen are in the cabin, they were raped, let them unwind and find some clothes, do not go in there, let them come out to you. And the three of you, protect them with your lives."

"Yes, sir!" said Dexter then suddenly Marlon turned into a falcon and raced off toward the village.

Far above Creel Springs Nick orbited letting the black Lancre Eagle study the situation. Smoke rose from a fire next to the bookstore, smoke also rose from a ruin that was once the Emporium, but was now just cinders, and flames leaped from Wægn Manor. In the middle of the street six men with nets surrounded an orange and black Bang Galore Tiger. The tiger roared and swiped a paw at the men as they drew nearer, another ring of men surrounding the whole thing cheering and laughing at the six with a net.

Suddenly the tiger turned into... Marlon?!? Who suddenly turned into a house cat and dashed between the men's legs then turned into... Marlon??? Who suddenly turned into a horse whose kick launched a man over the entire ring. Then the horse became... Marlon who became a dingaroo, a seven foot tall killing machine with bunny rabbit ears, and tore into the mercenaries who had the mistaken idea that they could survive a fight with a dingaroo driven mad by bloodlust.

Nick became Nick and dropped from the sky, gaining speed, then became a golden Agatean dragon that plunged from the sky silently, pulling up at the last second it rocketed up Main Street and slammed into the cluster of men that were running away from a blood covered Marlon. He knocked them over, probably killing a few but he was past caring.

Behind them the door of the bookstore slammed open and Lady Ning Hau Chung ran out into the street and shouted "Cōngmáng!" {Hurry!} Two by two, men in gold and jade armor with golden helmets and carrying steel swords and shields stepped out. Nick tried to count but he gave up. Over and over they came out, forming up in the street and marching toward them. Some mercenaries tried to dash turnwise up Main Street but two huge Bang Galore tigers waited, they tried to run up the Breeders Peak road but were stopped by the remains of the Highway Watch.

One by one the thugs dropped their weapons as Emperor Jia's personal guard approached, seven drummers marched behind them, their rhythmic drumming keeping their marching rhythm perfect. A Captain dashed up to Nick and saluted, "Your highness, compliments of the Emperor of Agatea. We have another ten thousand men waiting for your call, they are at your disposal."

"I just got here too, Captain Prescott can tell you what we need," said a shocked Nick. He pointed to Ning and said, "Get her under cover!"

"Yes your majesty." He turned to Prescott who was on crutches and directed the roundup. Nick approached the mercenaries to demand answers but he saw Ning, Annabelle, and Annette lead a queasy Octavia out of the pub. Nick ran to Octavia as Marlon and Annette clasped their bodies together.

"It's gone!" wept Annette, "Our house is gone!"

"We'll start again," said Marlon. "I just hope everyone got out."

Meanwhile Octavia was telling Nick that she was slowly starting to feel better, but Lancre is still crying out.

"They attacked us at Bear Mountain, they attacked us here..." Nick suddenly went pale, "My liege... THE KING! WE MUST SAVE THE KING!"

"Lancre calls," said Octavia, her voice barely a whisper. "Go, take Marlon. Lancre needs all of us." Nick called Marlon over. The boy arrived; soot covered face streaked with tears. He clung to Annette who was devastated over everything that had happened. She tried to keep a straight face, but her chin trembled, their house was burned to the ground, flames licked the remains of the collapsed structure, smoke joined the funeral pyre of the Emporium. "You are alive child; your parents are too. There's many a Creel Springs man and woman who cannot say the same," said Octavia.

"Yes mother," Annette whimpered.

Octavia led them through the Highway Watch yard, even now far-flung constables were returning at a gallop to their summons and were surprised to see the Agatean Guard standing in the street. She led them to where the yard backed up to a solid granite wall, chipped and scarred over the years, a narrow creek gurgled in front of it. "Loan me your strength," said Octavia. "I'm still fighting the Octiron."

Nick and Marlon clasped her hands, then Annette and Annabelle placed their hands on her shoulders. When they did that, a large rectangle shaped opening silently appeared on the rock face. "Go!" gasped Octavia. "Our King needs you!"

Nick and Marlon approached the opening. "We're going to be blind in there," said Nick and without another word two bats plunged into the opening.

"Grab torches and lamps and follow them!" Octavia told the Agatean Guard captain.

"Qián jìnxíng jūn!" shouted the Agatean Guard captain.

The drummers pounded out a bammity, bammity, bammity, BAM! BAM! BOOM!!! and the five hundred men her lover sent to save Octavia started marching toward the mountain gateway. Perfectly in step, the drummers cadence echoed off the mountain and as they marched the soldiers slipped their swords a few inches out of the sheath then slammed them back in with a loud click! in time with the drummers and with their steps. With a whirling flourish of his saber the captain saluted Octavia as he marched by. A pair of injured Watch constables handed out lanterns and torches to the golden army as they marched into the darkness.

Octavia, Annabelle and Annette stood and watched the men of Creel Springs who dug out ancient swords, pikes, and axes hurried to fall in line as the last of the Agatean armed forces disappeared into the dark tunnel to protect their king. Mark Ivers fell in with them, one arm in a sling, a leg splinted, and head bandaged with a hateful, angry expression on his young face, he was going to go kill who or whatever brought this on his home. "Stop him," whispered Octavia.

Annette pulled Constable Ivers out of line and when he complained Annette said, "Princess Octavia requested you for her personal guard."

"Yes ma'am." He stood with Octavia, but he looked sadly at his brothers as they marched off to repel the invaders.

"You've done enough for today Mark," whispered Octavia. "I need you here."

The darkness swallowed the rear guard, a dozen riders of the mounted Highway Watch led by Captain Prescott, and an eerie silence settled on Creel Springs. The sky grew darker as a horse and rider dashed down the mountain and stopped and looked in shock at the destruction of Creel Springs. Injured and dead littered the streets, the Emporium and Wægn manor burnt to the ground. Highway watch medics and witches from all over Lancre were aiding the wounded and praying over the dead citizens. Dead mercenaries were checked for identification and thrown in a pit at Annabelle's instruction. The captured, living mercenaries were hogtied and left lying until someone volunteered to lock them up.

"Who is in charge here?" the rider asked Annabelle and a wavering Octavia.

"I am," said Annabelle in a loud, firm voice. "Lieutenant Annabelle Prescott, Wægn Highway Watch."

"I bring news from the king," said the rider. "The castle may be coming under siege soon, he requests men."

"Armed men are en route," said Annette.

"Also, the king demands that the Duke of Wægn remains here, he doesn't want to lose him in battle."

That's when Octavia sagged to the ground.

The Battle for Lancre Castle

"It's a beautiful day sire," said Lord Harcourt the exchequer of the kingdom and the Earl of Mallburg. They were standing on an open parapet overlooking Lancre Town.

"It feels angry," the king muttered as he looked up at the blue sky.

"Your majesty, there's not a cloud in the sky!"

"Give it time," and he looked up at a small whisp of cloud that would have gone unnoticed by someone that wasn't looking for a tiny cloud.

"MAJESTY!" puffed Lord Baltimore the Head of Intelligence and the Duke of Pellingham. He jogged up and handed the King a folder that was marked with broad red stripes and in huge letters were the words SECRET - ROYALTY ONLY. Inside was a foggy iconograph of the front page of the Ankh-Morpork Times, the headline screamed "LANCRE IN TURMOIL! BRUTAL PLOT UNFOLDS!"

"When is this for?" asked the king as he handed back the iconograph.

"We studied it and it appears to be today, my wizards were obviously shaken, so it must have been bad." Lord Baltimore has eight wizards on staff. Four wizards scan the news and headlines for anything that is important to Lancre and send it back in time to the other four wizards a month ago. That way the king knows what is going on right now anywhere by wizards reading next month's old news. "I've taken the liberty of recalling the reserve palace guard."

The king looked up at the sky and the whisp of cloud was a full cloud and it was growing larger and darker. "Send the castle staff to shelter and arm anyone that won't go to shelter, prepare to drop the portcullis, seal all entrances and exits, we go in and out the main door only." He sighed, then King Verence said something he never wanted to say. "Send runners to Creel Springs, Mad Stoat, Bad Ass, and Slice," he said naming off the nearest villages. "I need men, but the prince must stay there in Creel Springs. If I don't make it, he has to."

As the skies darkened over Lancre large groups of men approached the castle. As they neared the castle, all windows closed and shuttered, all doors bolted. Suddenly the men charged as the captain of the Guard Sean Ogg shouted, "Close the portcullis!" A large wooden gate slammed down from above and blocked access to the two main entry points, the Main Entrance and the Nobles Entrance.

"Did we get the reserves, Captain?"

"About fifty percent made it inside before we dropped the portcullis, sire." Rocks and debris were being thrown at the castle as Verence thought hard on what his next step will be, can they hold out as they waited for men from the outlying villages?

"It will have to do," said Verence. He leaned over the edge of the parapet and looked at the crowd. Many were lashing together some tall ladders; others were trying to get siege engines started. But on the other end of the castle Verence noticed a cluster of people. "Why is that crowd clustered around the far corner of the castle?"

Captain Ogg leaned far over the side of the parapet and gasped. "The Clacks Office!"

The Clacks office is independent of what was happening in the castle. The Clacks office had an outside walk-up window for the citizens of Lancre and an inside window for Palace business. When Sean and the King ordered all windows shuttered, the Clacks office may not have closed their shutters.

{Clacks is a semaphore system that relays messages of all forms all across the continent. It's named for the clacking sound the big semaphore boards make as the shutters open and close. The semaphore relay towers are manned by goblins who have an amazing talent for reading and coding despite having no tradition of written language.}

"Get somebody down there, and you come back!" the king ordered.

"Corporal Pants!" Captain Ogg shouted, "You stay with the king at all times!"

"Yes sir!" said Corporal Reziko Pants, but Captain Ogg didn't hear the young man, he was off to see if there was a breach in security at the clacks office.

Suddenly the king heard a shriek from above his head. People were lobbing arrows up at the palace, but they weren't landing anywhere near him. His apartment has a balcony that Magrat and Esme love to lay out and sun themselves on nice days. He dashed off without telling his guard where he was going. Young Corporal Pants tried to keep up with the king but lost him in the maze of corners and corridors. Corporal Reziko Pants was a peace-loving young man, his grandfather, Ronin Pants, taught him well the ways of the sword, but he didn't want to use it on anything that wasn't stuffed with straw.

He came to a large staircase, and he had two options, up or down, he went up a flight but didn't hear anything. Holding his breath Corporal Pants went down and he heard distant noises, so he kept moving down.

Up two more flights higher than Reziko ventured was the king's apartment. Verence dashed in and found that Esme was ok, but an arrow lobbed up randomly came down and struck Magrat in the leg, and she was doing her best not to cry in pain, which would set off Esme. "I'm here my queen," gasped Verence.

"Blood!" cried Esme as panic set in.

Verence grabbed one of Magrat's gardening blouses and tore it into bandages and knelt down next to Magrat. He felt around and found it was an armor piercing arrowhead, which meant that the point was long and narrow and there was no barb. "It's ok Esme, I'll fix mommy in three seconds. Can you turn around and count to three?"

"Ya."

"Ok, count to three nice and slow."

The moment Esme turned around Verence swiftly pulled the arrow from Magrat's leg. Magrat clenched her jaw to keep from screaming out as Verence wound strip after strip around her leg as tight as he could.

"One... Two... Three..." the princess turned around and saw her dad tying the bandage on Queen Magrat's leg good and tight. "There, fixed good as new," said Magrat trying desperately to hide the pain. As gently as he could, Verence lifted Magrat and carried her to bed then kissed her sweetly.

"I love you my queen." He turned to Esme and said, "You're going to take care of Mommy right?"

"Ya."

"We need to stay inside," he said as he bolted the door and started closing the shutters over the windows. All doors in the castle have a wooden bolt, and hopefully all doors will be closed by now. He took his father's sword down from above the fireplace and never thought he would be using it. His father fought in the Ecalpon War of Independence. He didn't care where or what Ecalpon was, Verence I just wanted to fight, he named his sword Merciless.

Verence II stepped over to the patio and saw that there were two treble hooks latched to the patio railing and the lines were tense, someone was climbing the lines. Verence was impressed by their efforts, the balcony was up well over seventy feet, it was quite a throw to get the treble hooks this high. He watched as men tried to climb hand over hand that great height. The left rope had one man on it, the right rope appeared to have seven or eight men all climbing at the same time and as they got a few feet up, someone else joined. Eventually the rope snapped under that weight and all but one man fell. The remaining man dangled over sixty feet in the air and tiring he lost his grip and plunged six stories to his death. The treble hook freed from the weight holding it in place dropped from the railing and clanked to the marble patio floor.

Verence looked at the other treble hook and the climber was almost up to the balcony. "That's quite a climb."

{puff} {puff} "Aye, it is m'lord. {puff} {puff}

"I'm sorry but I'm going to insist that you use the servant's entrance," and his father's blade sliced through the rope like it was butter. The climber was too exhausted to scream as he fell.

The climber stood and looked up. "Damn, I could have made that climb! I was almost there!"

"THAT WAS QUITE A CLIMB," said Death.

"I think that was my record," said the insurrectionist from the duchy of Spatz Mountain.

"NOT AS IMPRESSIVE AS THE FALL. ONE AND A HALF WITH A FULL TWIST IN THE LAYOUT POSITION."

"If you're going to go out, go out big, I always say. Who are those guys behind you?" The rope climber saw three... now four shades standing behind the shrouded figure of Death.

"THESE ARE THE FELLOWS YOU LANDED ON," said Death as he began sweeping his scythe.

<><><><><>

Captain Sean Ogg was right, it was the Clacks office walk-up window they broke. The opening they were able to make was small and tight, big guys had to be shoved through as the gremlin at the keys rapidly sent out:

AS AS AS

LANCRE CALLING SOS SOS SOS

FORCES ATTACKIN...

Then station Lancre went silent.

AS AS AS was a call to All Stations, all relay stations will send it to all points. The gremlin in the clacks relay station atop Breeders Peak Pass saw the message coming in and started to relay, when he looked again all flags on the Lancre Castle Clacks semaphore were white, the symbol for trouble. Immediately the gremlin began sending that seven word message, over and over. Then he looked at the castle and sent:

AS AS AS

LANCRE CLACKS OFFICE BREECHED BY TERRORISTS

TERRORISTS ATTEMPTING TO SCALE CASTLE WALLS

TERRORISTS GAINING ENTRY THROUGH CLACKS WINDOW

BODIES PILE UP...

PRAY FOR LANCRE

The operator turned and looked straight down Breeders Peak and saw the fighting in the streets below him and sent another message.

AS AS AS

TERRORISTS ATTACKING CREEL SPRINGS

FIGHTING IN THE STREETS

BUILDINGS IN FLAMES

WOMEN AND CHILDREN ATTACKED

A DRAGON HAS JOINED THE FIGHT

PRAY FOR LANCRE...

He repeated his message over and over as he watched the tragedy unfold on both sides below him. He was unsure what happened to his friend Oakbell the first trick operator in the Lancre office and he was worried about her...

<><><><><>

Corporal Reziko Pants was still looking for the king, he was down to the ground floor and walking through the Grand Plaza where the Hogswatch decorations are hung, and official receptions are held. He heard the sound of fighting at the far end and jogged there and turned the corner and there were three angry men swinging daggers and hammers at a downed guardsman. "Hey! Knock it off! Leave him alone!"

The angry men looked him up and down like a large dog eyeing up a small porkchop. "Right. Wha e'er you say lit'le man," and they raised their assorted weapons at him.

"Please don't. I strongly suggest you stop and leave while you still can." Reziko held his sword vertically in front of him. "Do not test me." His dad Sam Pants taught him to avoid conflict at all times. {Sam is short for Samurai}

"Har! Har! Har! Go ahead little man, show us what you can..." With a couple of well-practiced swipes that they never saw coming, all three men were looking at profusely bleeding stumps at the end of what used to be their sword arms.

"I told you, didn't I tell you? Now go get a mop... Hey! I'm not done with you! Get back here!" shouted Reziko. He heard a groan and looked down at the dying guard, through the massive injuries he discovered that it was Captain Ogg. "Forgive me sir! I lost the king!"

"It's ok," wheezed Sean. "For an old guy he's pretty quick."

The corporal stayed with Sean until Death claimed the brave man, the man who was like a father to him. Then wiping the tears from his eyes he took a strip of cloth that his mother gave him from his pocket and tied it around his head knotting it in the back. Reziko Pants rose and silently went on a hunt.

"He's a good lad, I hope he don't get hurt," said Sean Ogg.

"HE WILL ACQUIT HIMSELF WONDERFULLY TODAY, BUT THAT IS NONE OF YOUR WORRY," said Death. "COME, A PLACE IS RESERVED FOR SOLDIERS, YOUR FRIENDS ARE WAITING."

<><><><><>

At the offices of the Ankh-Morpork Times the gremlin in charge of clacks reception was writing furiously, stacking pages of translated code. The gremlin on Breeders Peak worked furiously at relaying the events of The Battle of Lancre Castle and the Battle of Creel Springs as they would come to be known. Hearing the Clacks shutters slamming non-stop brought Editor, Co-Founder & Head Reporter of the Ankh-Morpork Times, William de Worde to the clacks office. "What's up Charlie?" he asked the human manager of the Clacks room.

Charles Baris looked through the notes that the gremlins were handing him. "It's war sir, somebody is attacking Lancre. The Clacks room at Lancre castle sent an SOS then went silent, the relay tower on Breeders Peak is sending what he sees at the castle..."

William De Worde snatched the notes out of his hand and said, "Agatean troops spotted in Creel Springs?"

"Yes sir, but they showed up at the end of the battle and disappeared..." Charlie read a new note, "wait a minute, somehow the Agatean troops got to Lancre Town without crossing Breeders Peak Pass."

"Wait... what? Battle in Creel Springs?"

"Yeah," said Charlie. He started flipping through the pages of code from the Breeders Peak operator until he found the report. "Six wagonloads of attackers went after the town until the duke and the Agatean regulars stopped them." He flipped through the stack of papers then his eyes settled on the report from Bear Mountain. "Here's another... Bear Mountain had a battle late this morning, that's Lancre, right?"

William's eyes grew wide. REAL NEWS! Thoughts roared through his head, and he began to shake in excitement. "OTTO!" he called for the chief Iconographer. "Get to the train station as fast as you can and get us two tickets to Hot Dang." He turned for Sacharissa Crispslock, "Sacharissa, I need you and Bugsy to get an extra edition out on the street ASAP!" and he dropped a stack of notes on her desk.

<><><><><>

A demon prowled the castle, it moved in silence and attacked in fury leaving only the dead and the lame. Word spread through the attackers that a ghost was claiming vengeance, and some laughed. "There's no such thing as ghosts," said the demon once known as Reziko Pants. He moved swiftly through the halls following the screams of the castle staff, attacking the invaders, slicing the Achilles tendons of those that surrendered as his grandfather Nin taught him, killing those that refused to surrender.

Reziko was not immortal, he was bleeding from a dozen wounds that he tried to bandage on his own, but he was starting to take grim pride in the fact that the wounds he was causing were fatal.

<><><><><>

Willikins, the butler of Sam and Sybil Vimes entered Sam's study. "Sir, Captain Carrot and Lieutenant Angua wish to speak with you."

"Bring 'em in," said Sam as he closed the novel he was pretending to read.

Willikins led six-foot-five-inch Captain Carrot, the head of the watch, and his lieutenant Angua von Überwald in. Carrot is big and muscular, nearly triangular with broad shoulders tapering down to a narrow waist. Angua is short and athletic. He's a dwarf, she's a werewolf. {He is human but raised by dwarves so he is emotionally a dwarf, she's a werewolf inside and out, and she's the aunt of Annabelle Prescott.}

"Your grace, Angua and I are heading to the train station we were wondering if you were interested in going with us, if we hurry we can be there on time."

Sam looked at Angua who was rolling her eyes, Carrot buried the lede again. "Where are we going?"

"Lancre, your grace. I understand the dining car is serving..."

"Angua, why are we going to Lancre?"

"To offer aide and assistance, your grace. Lancre sent an SOS out on the clacks system, normal traffic has stopped as reports are coming in on the fighting around the castle, and the aftermath of the fighting in Creel Springs."

"This is what you start with, Carrot."

"Sorry sir. I 'buried the lede' again?"

"Honey?" Sam called out to Sybil. "I'm headed for Lancre."

"Oh good, I'll go pack my..."

"Not this time dear, there's a bit of a war going on."

<><><><><>

Two eagles rocketed out of the tunnel in the side of Breeders Peak and strove for altitude then flew completely around the castle eyeing everything going on... they saw the men struggling to get in at the clacks office, men erecting hastily made ladders, ropes being tossed up to the parapet. Several men had scaled the parapet and were starting to raise the portcullis as a mob gathered at the portcullis. The two eagles set down inside the courtyard and became human then a huge golden Agatean dragon and an orange and black Bang Galore tiger took their place. The dragon belched a burst of flame at the portcullis singeing the men closest to the gate and driving them back.

When they became humans Nick turned to an exhausted looking Marlon. Swapping bodies isn't as easy as it sounds and bats consume a lot of energy flying in the dark. "Go lead the Agateans to the front of the castle and get these idiots to knock it off, I'm going to find the king," said Nick.

"Yeah," panted Marlon. "Does this get easier?"

"Does farming get easier?"

"No," panted Marlon, "you just get used to it."

"Good man." Nick became a dragon and took off and with his huge, long tail began swatting assailants off of extension ladders and ropes on the front wall of the castle while Marlon changed to an eagle and rose above the courtyard wall in time to see the first ranks of the Agatean troops emerging from the passage under the mountain. He dropped down to where the captain that spoke Morporkian was marching, changed and marched next to him.

"About forty men from Creel Springs joined us, your majesty. They are in the last ranks."

"Excellent! Go around to the front of the castle to your left, surround and drive everybody back from the castle. I'll take the men of Creel Springs and twenty-five of your men inside. Do you have any troops that speak Morporkian?"

"Shì de, Long Zhīzǐ!" {The captain said, "Yes Dragon Son," Marlon's name in Agatea} He turned around and shouted in Morporkian, "Anyone who can speak Morporkian please raise your hand!"

Five hundred hands were raised.

Marlon laughed for the first time since Octavia shouted 'Castle, Castle, Castle!' He took twenty-five armored soldiers from the ranks and waited for the Agateans to pass, then he paired up an Agatean soldier with every one or two Creel Springs men that came out of the tunnel. "The castle has been breached, we're going in, the main Agatean troops are staying outside, we don't want this to look like an invasion."

Marlon saluted Captain Prescott on his white horse and said, "Sir, if you take your riders around the castle to the right you'll drive the attackers into our Agatean friends."

"Aye, aye sir!" and the dozen riders galloped off.

The drummers that were gently tapping out cadence for the Agatean guard began hammering their drums in a complex rhythm, the war drums were relaying the captain's instructions. The attackers looked in shock at the four hundred seventy-five Agatean soldiers that came at them at a run. They prepared to fight the Agateans who would be on them in a matter of moments.

Marlon led the selected twenty-five soldiers to the front of the castle while the main troop was fighting the shocked looking army of assailants. Marlon dashed away from the troops, he needed a little room for this, and suddenly he became a golden Agatean dragon. The dragon caught the rhythm of the war drummers, threw its head back and released an ear-splitting war bellow then took to the air to the cheering from the five hundred golden soldiers.

He circled over the soldiers and bellowed again then swept over the castle wall. Two invaders were still turning the crank slowly to raise the portcullis gate. They looked in terror as Nick returned to human, drew his sword and advanced on the crank turners. "Keep opening, or I will cook you. Kick your swords over here." Twenty-Five golden soldiers and forty civilians and members of the Wægn Highway Watch entered the palace unprepared for what they were going to find.

<><><><><>

Huge letters splashed across the top of the extra edition of the Ankh Morpork Times: LANCRE IN TURMOIL! BRUTAL PLOT UNFOLDS! The story wrote like butter and for once Sacharissa Cripslock didn't have to depend on her imagination. In fact, she found herself toning down the gory details, the men trying to scale the sides of the castle only to fall to their deaths, the golden dragon that keeps appearing and roasting the invaders and according to witnesses the dragon brought a thousand troops with it.

Newsboys kept dashing back into the office to grab more to sell, and the presses didn't shut down until it was time to change the plates and start printing the morning edition with the one word headline, WAR! With an exhausted sigh Sacharissa looked at her finest work, never once did the thought that people died to make her those pennies enter her head.

<><><><><>

"Finally moving," complained Vimes as the night train to Hot Dang and Überwald eased out of Ankh-Morpork Grand Central Terminal and began to pick up speed. Shortly after the conductor walked through the car checking tickets and before the car matron offered tea, the NewsButch, a young lad selling newspapers and magazines, came through with the extra edition of the Ankh-Morpork Times. The bold headline titillated everyone who saw it and the paper sold itself.

Sam read the entire extra edition in a matter of minutes by skipping the ads then wadded it up and tossed it to Carrot who proceeded to flatten it out and fold it neatly. "Nothing but teasing the readers prurient desires. 'Hundreds of golden warriors'? What next? Fire breathing dragons?"

Carrot scanned the newspaper again, "Uh, yes, it's right here in paragraph seven."

Vimes scoffed, he's used to swamp dragons, tiny pet dragons that are best used as cigar lighters. He sadly looked out the window as the cabbage fields rolled by. "I just hope Nick is ok."

<><><><><>

When Nick approached the castle he headed for the King's apartment first and foremost. He flew up to their high patio and landed in front of an attacker that finally made the climb. A ladder slapped against the patio railing and men began to climb. "Tired?" Nick asked the attacker that was bent over trying to catch his breath.

"How did you get up here?" said the attacker between pants.

With a roar of anger Nick grabbed the attacker that made the climb and threw him over the railing seven floors to the ground. The patio door was bolted so he stood up on the patio railing and looked down on the attackers that were climbing the ladder and became a roc. He grabbed the ladder with his talons and flew outward, pulling the ladder away from the castle and released it to crash on the crowd that was gathered to watch.

He flew down to the castle's main entrance door and entered there and headed for the first spiral staircase to take up to the king's apartment. For security sake it's like navigating a maze to reach the kings apartment on the seventh floor. Only two staircases reach the seventh floor, and they don't go lower than the fifth floor so Nick had to dash up hallways to get to the right staircase. When he finally reached the stairs that would take him to the king, he heard wood being smashed and bashed above him, they were trying to break down the king's door, and he began to sprint up the stairs, sword in hand. "Halt!" called a familiar voice but Nick didn't slow down. The stairs had always seemed endless in the past, now they were more so. "I said Halt! I will use force!" the voice cried again.

Nick knew who that was, a skinny kid with a weird banjo and a razor-sharp blade, Nick was there the day Sean Ogg hired him. "Reziko," called Nick, "if you stick me in the ass I'm going to be awful pissed."

"Prince Nick? Allow me to lead, your majesty," said Reziko and the exhausted, wounded guard dashed ahead of Nick.

"Two more floors," panted Nick, but suddenly the sickening sound of a wooden door succumbing to a ram filled the stairwell. A solid black tiger flashed past Reziko Pants but it couldn't work the door latch with its paws. Nick had to return to Human form to open the door across from the king's suite. Six men turned and grinned at him, but Reziko shouldered past Nick and his blade went to work.

"BACK!" shrieked Reziko. "Step back!" His blade flashed and whirled as he danced in and out of the pack of men, blood spraying, their blood, not his.

Nick gasped and gulped; he could barely stand. How many times had he changed forms today? He didn't count, but each change drained that much more energy from him. But a shout from inside the kings apartment drove that thought from his head. "THE KING!" Nick shouted and suddenly he was no longer Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein. He was a tiger, 21 stone of solid muscle ready to slaughter his enemies. The black Bang Galore tiger leaped and crushed one man under its paws as it leaped out of the stairwell and dashed into the King's room. The invader died in agony as his crushed ribcage stabbed his heart which caused him intense agony with every weakening beat.

Reziko's enemies dropped one after another, a merciful stab to the heart or a slash of the throat ended their miserable life and then, it was over. For Reziko the silence after the last man died was overwhelming. He stepped over the shattered apartment door and saw Nick kneeling next to the King, a blade piercing the king's chest near his heart, a dead bandit with Sam Vimes' blade in his back, but Nick wasn't looking down at the king, he was looking at something in the corner, his face pale with shock. Whatever it was that he was looking at, Princess Esme saw it also and she was waving to it.

Nick saw Death who stood at attention and then bowed most respectfully. "IT IS TIME YOUR HIGHNESS. YOUR TOIL IS DONE, YOUR SONS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR A LONG TIME TO BE WITH YOU." Death held out his bony hand and King Verence II, the Reluctant King, rose from his dying body.

In Nick's arms the dying king's lips moved slightly and formed a smile, but in the corner Nick and Princess Esme saw the king, young and vibrant, the pain of the years was gone, his face a mask of joy as he knelt and hugged the spirit of his beloved sons that were taken from him so long ago. He rose and put his arm around Prince Exavier, two-year-old Prince Abraam was holding his hand, he looked so happy... "Bye daddy," Princess Esme said as the vision faded. Nick roared in agony as the only father he ever had grew cold in his arms. He buried his face in the king's chest praying that his tears could heal the only man he truly loved.

Realizing that the crown had passed, Reziko knelt and murmured, "My liege, what can I do for you?"

Nick slowly pulled himself together, his red-rimmed, tear-filled eyes turned to Reziko. "I have to go in the next room and tell my queen I failed, then after that..." he shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know."

<><><><><>

Nick told Magrat about Verence's death and begged that she find a better, more suitable heir, one that wasn't so slow. "No," whispered Queen Magrat. "He chose you to lead Lancre. Go take the spirit of the man that loved you to your people."

"But I..."

"Go, my king. Go make my husband proud."

He stumbled out of the apartment escorted by his personal guard, Reziko Pants. Around him Agatean soldiers and Creel Springs civilians captured insurrectionists, anyone caught inside the castle alive was herded down to the dungeon, wounded or healthy and locked in a large open room where prisoners used to be tortured to death. There was over fifty alive and easily that number dead in the castle. The dead intruders were carried outside and lain side by side on the side lawn to see if they could be identified.

He eventually found Marlon clutching the lifeless body of their maid Magdalina, the woman that had been watching after and spoiling the royal children for ten years. Now she's gone, raped and murdered probably by the corpses that surround her. Their wounds were clearly inflicted by Reziko. "I am sorry my lord," said the small guard. "I didn't reach her in time."

"She didn't do anything bad," wept Marlon. "Why?" He cradled her dead body like she cradled him as a young boy.

Then he saw the look in his father's eyes and realized that he was talking to the king. "She was taken by an act of pure evil," said Nick softly. He swallowed and said sadly, "I've done you a disservice and raised you not knowing what Evil looks like. Now you know... we must remove it, completely, somehow without becoming Evil ourselves."

"Yes my king," said Marlon as Nick returned to guard the king's body.

Octavia, Ning, and Annabelle found Marlon sitting on the floor next to Magdalina. Marlon looked up at his mother and tried to hold it back, but he couldn't. Soon he was hugging his mother, weeping again for all the friends he lost and the men he killed.

Octavia wept with him, but she wept for the loss of her son's innocence.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Prince Marlon guarded Magdalina for almost a day until she could be taken away with dignity. As he was escorting her body, his hand laying gently on the bier, his hollow, sunken eyes told everyone that it was someone special. "Magdalina," he said, and anyone that knew her gasped. The crown prince, the Duke of Wægn weeping for a common household staff. "Who was Magdalina?" asked William de Worde of the Ankh-Morpork Times.

"She was the maid that looked after Prince Pommeroie's children," said someone that watched the procession pass.

"She was just a maid?" asked William de Worde softly, but Marlon heard him.

Marlon's head snapped toward the publisher. "She was not just a maid, she was Lancre, she was important... everyone is important to us... she didn't deserve this... I should have been there for her..." tears flowed from the prince's eyes as he followed the men that carried Magdalina away leaving William de Worde in shock, royalty doesn't do things like this, they don't care for the commoners, they don't weep over them... do they?

The members of the castle staff that died were treated with all the honor and respect that the king was treated with, and in Sean Ogg's case maybe even more. The entire court gathered together and purchased the white coffins like they used with Exavier and Abraam. At Magrat's insistence There would be one large ceremony for all the dead, including the king. Magrat and the entire court knew that the king wanted to be with his people.

Marlon returned to Creel Creek with instructions from Octavia to bring their family to the castle, "Including your wife," Octavia insisted.

"How... how did you know? We were scared so we..."

"I didn't know, I was kidding," she hugged a terrified Marlon who faced death a dozen times over but was most terrified of disappointing his mom. "I understand, you were facing danger and you wanted to be married to your lover. Your father and I did the exact same thing. But, the fact remains, your wife is underage. We have to comply with her parent's wishes."

Octavia found Nick in the King's Apartment, he was in complete shock, he had covered the king in a sheet, and he wasn't letting the men who arrived to take the body come in. Esme was in a cheerful mood and Queen Magrat couldn't get Nick to release the body. Eventually it was Princess Esme who convinced Nick to let the men take Verence's body. "Dad's not here, I saw dad go with Exavier and Abraam." She turned to Octavia, "He is happy. The boys missed him."

When she said that Nick broke down in tears again and walked out on the patio and wept out there. Octavia came out to comfort him as newly arrived iconographer Otto Chriek caught the long distance iconograph which was flashed to Ankh Morpork via digital clacks. It showed a heartbroken Nick weeping as the new queen comforted him; it was entitled "The New King's Tears." The icon won Otto an award and it won support for Nick from all over the disc.

Most people have never heard of Lancre, it's a tiny mountainous kingdom where level ground is as good as gold and just as rare. It is said that Lancre is so small that you need a passport to lie down, but the coverage that the Ankh-Morpork Times gave the battle, put the name of Lancre on the lips of everyone on the disk. If Lancre could be attacked without reason, who is next?

The Worblehat-Stein family had a big tearful meeting when they were together again, including Ning who wept at the destruction she witnessed in Creel Springs then collapsed in shock at the amount of damage and death in Lancre Castle. The grandmothers were shocked themselves as they gathered in the common room of their family suite in the castle.

"I did something wrong," said Hollie to Nick.

"Was it a wedding?" he asked, and she nodded her head. "Don't tell me until next Wednesday."

"That will be over a week," she looked at her father then smiled. By Lancre law a witch must report all weddings performed to the king in one week or the wedding is nullified. Problem solved... until Annette finds out.

"We will be staying here," said Nick as Annette and Marlon joined them. "We'll head back to Creel springs for personal items and to clear our head, but now this castle is our home." He hugged Exavier and Gwendolyn, the two youngest children and ultimately the most playful, "please be gentle when you play, a lot of people died, and their families are in mourning."

Then there was what to do with the new tunnel to Lancre? It opens on the Creel Springs side right behind the watch house, and on the Lancre Town side it opens behind the palace. For the moment they decided to hide the entrance with shrubs and reserve it for royalty and watch business only. Axemir and Eryri eventually inspected every inch of the tunnel and marveled at the skill that it took to dig. "It's a perfect tunnel," said Axemir, "no sign of leak or rock fracture, the granite is polished perfectly. It's the perfect hole."

"How did you do it?" asked Eryri.

Octavia whispered, "I didn't, it was already there, I just removed the spell that hid the ends from us. It's over a thousand years old."

"Seriously?"

"If I had made it, I would have had a ten-foot high, twenty feet wide, one-mile-long piece of granite left over."

"Where did the rock go?" asked Axemir.

"You're sitting in it. It was used to build this castle and most of the town," said Llewellen as he and his sister Loo-Loo walked in the room. Their love of books and knowledge made them bookish and ready to research any question. Their goal in life was to gain the rank of Chief Master Librarian. "Creel Springs was the original capital of Lancre, but it was open to invasion from multiple directions, where the box canyon behind Breeders Peak was nearly impossible to invade."

Llewella nodded, "we found it in the library, there's so much magic up here that they built the town here to use the magic as a shield."

And speaking of rocks, a field stone Wægn Mannor was beginning to erect itself in the ashes of the burnt wooden house. If one saw it they would admire the architecture, only a few people on the disk would recognize it as a field stone replica of Death's brick house.

Magrat and Esme moved to an apartment in the tower where Nick and Octavia stayed making the garden that Esme loves just a few steps away. That opened up the king's suite for Nick and Octavia to take but he just couldn't bring himself to move into the scene of his greatest failure so they remained in their tower with their children around them.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Two eagles circled over six wagons full of men who finally got the main road between Hot Dang and Überskeld open and were now racing toward Creel Creek. They were two days late, but they were finally there. Just as they neared village limits a huge golden dragon swooped over their heads from behind. It roared what they later found out was an Agatean war bellow and suddenly three hundred men in golden armor stepped out of the woods on either side of them.

The wagons ground to a halt and a young man stepped out from behind a few warriors. He turned to one of the golden warriors and said something and the warrior screamed an order and their ranks closed on the wagons; a short time later seventy-five prisoners were being marched into Creel Springs. The young man jumped up on a wagon left by the first wave of mercenaries and shouted, "First of all thank you for the donation of the wagons and horses to the Duchy of Wægn. For those of you who don't know who I am, I am Marlon Pommeraie Worblehat-Stein. I am the new duke of Wægn, and I need all of you to know that you are guilty of insurrection and are complicit in the murder of King Verence the Second. The penalty is death."

A shocked grumble ran through the men then Marlon continued. "Because of the actions of your buddies, the people of Creel Springs can't wait to see your deaths and I can't say I blame them, I can't wait to see you die either, the more painful the better. Your friends killed the people I love and burned down my house. But if you want to live, we could use some strong men to repair the damage your people did, rebuild some roads and help with restoring Lancre Castle. Do you have any questions?"

"Yeah, I have a question yer grace," said one tough looking guy. "I didn't do nuttin 'cept ride in a wagon, I ain't guilty of shit and there ain't nuttin..." the man sagged to the ground, dead with a crossbow bolt through the heart.

"Excellent question, thank you, that's something we can all learn from," said Marlon handing the crossbow to the Agatean Captain. "Next question?"

"What's with all these Ajjies?" said another. {Ajjie is a disparaging, racist term for Agatean}

"Since your buddies killed most of the watch and nearly the entire Palace Guard they have volunteered to help out. If you don't like the treatment you get from them I suggest you try to make friends, they all speak Morporkian and understand every word you say. They are not under orders to treat you kindly or even humanely and no one has given an order that would keep them from killing you. Any more questions?"

Now that they had the manpower, where do they get the materials that they needed? How do they feed and house these bastards? He walked over to the Highway Watch House where he was now living until the new Wægn Manor was done. "Dad always had money for these kinds of things, I look at our budget and we can't afford them, I can't afford to send them back to Ankh Morpork," he muttered as he looked at the books.

"Your dad sold scrap metal for extra money," said Annabelle as she heard him muttering. Then she chuckled, the duchy would be surprised to know that their duke was sleeping on a cot and running the duchy office from a closet in the Watch House.

"Scrap metal?"

"He always said it's not just what you sell, it's also who you sell it to. Try selling two pounds of copper or tin to your friend Jia. You'll get a fair price."

The next day he did just that, he took pieces of copper pipe and sheets of tin from the wreckage of Wægn Manor and slipped through L-Space to a place he hasn't seen in a long time. Ning greeted him warmly, she now considered Prince Marlon her stepson and he was growing fond of her. "Why are you here?"

"I have some copper and..." suddenly several old men with long white beards appeared and grabbed the coil of copper tubing and sheets of tin from Marlon and ran off with mincing steps. "Does that always happen?"

"Yes. I assume it is the same price your father negotiated, one ounce of copper for one ounce of gold?" asked Madam Ning.

"Uh... yeah!" He saw Jia from behind a silk curtain and Jia waved him over. Marlon walked up to him and found himself standing in front of a huge room filled with low tables. People were sitting on the floor at the tables, and they were standing along the walls. Jia spoke to them in rapid-fire Agatean and they all rose and started clapping. "What's this about?" asked Marlon as he acknowledged the applause of the people.

"I just introduced you at the first member of Lancre royalty that was born here in Agatea."

"That's true," chuckled Marlon, and he took a few questions from the nobles of Agatea and thanked them profusely for sending aid when his father needed it most. Before heading back to Creel Springs the men with white beards gave him ten pounds of gold, his money problem was solved.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

The memorial ceremony for the dead of Creel Springs was held in the lot next to the emporium. The lot was to become a graveyard and a memorial garden for the two dozen people lost to the invading mercenaries. Nick was there as Duke because there hasn't been an official transfer of power yet so Wægn was still his duchy and Marlon refused to talk. Nick looked at the faces still sullen with shock, all hoping for instant healing from his words. "I have no magic nor any magic words to ease your pain," said Nick from a small platform, "only Time can heal these wounds and she's working on it bit by bit. As for a memorial... I'm sure a committee is looking at that already, right Ena?" He looked at Ena McCrory who was in charge of the Memorial Committee. "You just let Marlon or me know what you would like, and we'll find a way to make it happen. There's not enough rock in these mountains to show how large our loss feels to us."

This was the monument to the lost civilians, he gulped thinking of the memorial to the lost officers, Sergeants Derek Nightly, Don Neumann and Wayne Metsker, friends, practically brothers, and young trainee Bricklin Vaughan. Nick still wakes up screaming at the memory of Trei Metsker carrying his youngest son Wayne to the watch house, his body broken from trying to protect the Lictner family. Nick almost went on a rampage and killed all the prisoners, only Trei stopped him. Not a single officer that was at the Watch House went uninjured, only Annabelle emerged unscathed, and her heart was broken. So many friends, so many people she was responsible for. And for Nick, who protects the protectors? He felt nauseous every moment of the day. Tomorrow is a memorial for the Palace Guard, they were devastated, only three survived. Then the day after that the memorial for the palace staff... so many dead...

He looked around the crowd and it looked like he was close to tears... so many friends were gone, buried under the cold earth in this little lot, the old and the young, he was starting to feel nauseous. "I have a new house now, and Hollie will be taking over for me if you need a witch... and Marlon will be taking over for me if you need a Duke... but if you need a friend, I'll be on the other side of the hill, first castle to the right."

That brought a chuckle, those that know him know he doesn't want to leave, he doesn't want to let go but Lancre calls and Verence asked... "I'm sorry this happened, you're all my family and friends, I love you all... if you find me in the Bare Bear you can join me for a pint if you don't tell Octavia." He took a deep breath and continued, "As for the persons responsible, they will be brought to justice shortly. Very shortly."

<><><><><>

For all her bluster and shrieking of "You'll never get me to crack!" Viktorija Singe didn't last long under the questioning of Mr. Morose. He never even revealed his brothers, and that's usually the best part when the prisoner thinks he's seeing three of him. She started spilling her guts about the entire plan the moment Mr. Morose started stropping his razor. "It was Tudful, Tudful Felmet, it was all her idea."

"And where may we find her?"

"She has a cave, turnwise end of Lancre, straight rimward of Sleep Creek Falls in Überwald. Can't miss it. The entrance is behind an old apple tree." And she named every principality that they conned into joining their rebellion including Cystern and Spatz Mountain.

Viktorija Singe was led from Mr. Morose's office by Sgt. Pants to a section of the dungeon where Nick waited for her. "The future king," she sneered. "Nithe Skelm should have killed you."

"Nithe Skelm didn't read the almanac," said Nick, as he and Reziko stood at the cell door, "and you squealed like a pig the moment Mr. Morose got his toys out. Your dead husband lasted until they started peeling off skin and adding salt." Nick still remembered Baron Singe's screaming. "Welcome to my dungeon, this is a very special row for people who will be executed at the whim of the king. Breakfast is gruel, dinner is a gruel sandwich. You get one bucket, it's emptied weekly. Don't spill it. You murdered the housekeeping crew, so no one is going to come pick up after you." Nick personally opened a cell door that had the name SINGE stenciled on it 18 years ago. "If I don't get to see you again before you die, have a pleasant stay."

"FUCK YOU!" she shrieked as Reziko pushed her inside the cell, then Nick took a lot of pleasure closing the door and locking it. "Fuck you! You pint sized, one eyed, bearded freak!" she shrieked.

"I may be all that but I'm also king. Ta Ta." Nick turned and left leaving Viktorija to shriek in the near absolute darkness. Finally, she stumbled on her way to her bed and sat on the hard pallet.

About an hour later she heard someone at the door to her cell. She got up and walked up and someone outside of her cell had a torch for light. Suddenly a skull appeared in the window and said, "You know your husband died in this cell." Stan grinned at Viktorija Singe who screamed in terror and screamed long into the night.

<><><><><>

The very next day Sergeant Reziko Pants led a team of remaining palace guard to an apple tree near Sleep Creek Falls, he was accompanied by a werewolf from the Creel Springs Watch House and a werewolf from the Überwald National Guard and following the directions they hiked from Sleep Creek falls rimward to the apple tree. There was a path worn into the underbrush, so their secret hideout wasn't very secret, and they found the cave quickly.

Annabelle started growling the moment she got a sniff of the cave. "Somebody is in there," said Lady Lucricia von Überwald. They weren't quite sure who owned this land, Überwald or Lancre, so a friendly Überwald noble accompanied the search party just to keep it legal.

They found the former duchess cowering in a smoke-filled cave. The documents she tried to burn were barely singed in the damp cave air. "I'm a witch!" she shrieked as she waved a broom at them, "you can't touch me!"

"Amazing coincidence," said Reziko, "our king is a witch too, he may want to compare recipes with you." He wound up and punched her in the gut as hard as he could. She doubled over and began to vomit as Reziko said, "That was for Sean Ogg. I intend to tell his mother you claim to be a witch."

Nanny Ogg was old and blind, but she was still as sharp as a tack. "Get 'im for me Rezzi, get the one wot took our Sean from me," she told Reziko last night.

As they dragged the woman out of the cave Reziko looked through the documents and there was enough information there to put her away forever. Several hours later she was in an isolated cell with a skeleton named Stan as the jail keeper. "Keep her safe Stan, the king wants this one," said Sergeant Pants.

The next day Nick came down to the dungeon and said, "I want to see the Felmet woman."

"Of course, your majesty," said Stan. "She has been screaming 'I hate this country' since she got here." He led Nick down a long dank, oddly silent, corridor to a cell at the end of the corridor. Stan opened the rusty lock and pushed the door open and there was Tudful Felmet held against the wall. During the night tree roots grew through the wall and wrapped around her arms and neck. The roots pulled her up against the wall and slowly, agonizingly they tightened their grip until the screaming stopped. They kept tightening until the breathing stopped. Her eyes were bugged out and her face swollen in death.

King Nick shrugged. "Looks like Lancre didn't like her either."

Nick emerged from the dungeon and the whole family was waiting for him, including Marlon and Annette. "Are you sure?" said Sergeant Pants.

"Yes."

"I'll get the carriage..."

"It's a nice day, we'll walk."

"But sir, security! We don't know if any plotters are still out there..."

"If you're scared you can stay here."

Reziko closed his eyes, they lost so many guards that they couldn't afford Reziko to leave, but the king requested that he provide his security. "Let's go," said Reziko with a sigh. The walk wasn't far, they ended up in a nice little neighborhood at a house with a dozen garden gnomes, real garden gnomes. Exavier and Gwendolyn threw themselves on the ground to talk to the little gardeners as Nick knocked on the door.

"Come in," called from inside. Nick and Octavia stepped into a living room cluttered from years of collecting amazing little things. In the rocking chair sat Nanny Ogg, she was over 90 years old but looked over a thousand. "It's me Nanny, I got the one that got Sean, I got the one that led the plot."

She grabbed Reziko's hand, "You did Rezzi? You got the one wot killed our Sean?"

"I did Nanny, I put her in the dungeon in the lowest cell we have."

"Ya think that new king is going to hang her?"

"I don't have to," said Nick. Nanny turned in his direction, a half-smile on her face let him know she remembered his voice. "Lancre got her. I found her dead this morning, roots wrapped around her neck and choked her slowly."

"Who was it?" asked Nanny as she reached for Nick's hand.

"Tudful Felmet."

"That bitch! Pardon my Klatchian but that bitch cost us two kings, and now the name Verence dies." Nanny sighed then patted Nick's hand. "How's my favorite witch with a tallywhacker?"

Nick chuckled for the first time in days, "I got a new job lined up."

"I heard that," she laughed. "What'cha gonna do now that you're the king?"

"I'm going to require that fifty percent of all witches are male, or at least know a male... if ya know what I mean."

"I knew better than ask."

Nick grew silent and clutched at her hand. Finally, the choked words came out, "Nanny... thank you so much for sharing your Sean with us. He was a great man, and he served his king and country with pride, dignity and honor and I... I..." He was trying desperately to keep it together.

Octavia bent in close and said softly, "we all loved him, he was good with our children, and we felt safe in his castle. If there is anything you would like, just ask us, anything at all..."

Nanny too was on the verge of tears, but she knew it could happen, and she never dreamed she would have a king in her living room kneeling at her side. "There is one thing you can do that I would like," and she gestured him close. He leaned in and she whispered in his ear.

"A duck?" asked Nick in shock.

"I was just seeing if you was listening," chuckled Nanny, "come here," and she whispered in his ear again.

When she was done he pulled back and smiled, "That's a great idea Nanny... I'll do it."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

The coronation ceremony was something out of a storybook, but then so are candy cottages, wicked witches, and roasting children in ovens. There was everything that great storybooks need, a cast of odd and fascinating creatures in attendance is mandatory. There were witches and wizards, trolls and goblins, dwarves and ogres... {not an actual ogre, but Morty Leadbelly, a dwarf who ran a sand and gravel pit in Quirm was considered an ogre by his employees} There were kings and queens in attendance, emperors and empresses, tyrants and vampires, leaders that were selected, and leaders that were elected. The only thing missing was Nick.

"Where is your father?" demanded Octavia.

"He said he'd be in his study," said Marlon as he tugged his uniform into place. He hasn't been able to eat properly since the battles of Creel Springs and Lancre Castle and he had lost a lot of weight. However the uniform he pulled on was made for him by his mother and once in place, the loose, oversize uniform tailored itself to perfection. Immediately after his father's coronation, Nick was going to pass the title of Duke of Wægn on to him.

"Hollie, go get your father."

"Why me?"

"You're the only one he'll listen to. GO!"

Hollie dashed down the stairs which led straight to her father's study. She stepped into a large room that looked warm and inviting, it was a replica of the Bare Bear pub in Lancre. In fact there was a gang of the Usual Suspects as Octavia calls them. Ena McCrory was tending bar; her dad Trei was leaning on the bar watching Nick throw darts against the head farmhand Dexter who was now the Palace Grounds keeper. Several other friends from Creel Springs were in attendance to take their turn at the dart board. "Dad! Mom was ready to call out security on you!"

"I've already beat him."

"He kicked my ass," muttered Preston Prescott into his pint. Preston was now head of security for the Kingdom of Lancre.

"LET'S GO PEOPLE!" yelled Hollie as she started swatting at them with her broom. She chased the whole crew up the stairs and chased her father into their bedchamber where Octavia trimmed his beard short with a pass of her hand and tamed his hair the same way.

"Let's go your majesty, your kingdom awaits," she said as she fitted the brand-new eye patch on him.

"I'd rather stay here and fuck," which caused Ning to break into an expectant grin.

"Later my king, now let's go," urged Octavia and they headed through the empty halls to the main hall, and it was packed with well-wishers and observers. Nick saw Dexter taking his seat next to Aelwen McLeish, a comely widow whose husband Ian passed away several years ago. She had been making eyes at Dexter for a while now.

"I don't like crowds," said Nick as two handlers began putting a huge heavy cape on him. "I want to go home."

"You. Are. Home," sighed Octavia for the thousandth time.

"Scepter!" cried the Prime Minister, Marquis Vernon Wynne. "We don't have a scepter." The scepter that was used by previous kings was stolen by a mercenary who used it as a weapon to brutally murder a cook and probably more during the invasion and Nick refused to touch it.

"I have a scepter," said Nick and he took Octavia's staff. "Ready for your royal debut Virga?"

If it had a mouth the staff would be smiling, "In a moment your majesty," and Virga closed its huge eye and slowly turned to gold. "Ok, I'm ready."

"Good man... er... stick. Just follow us."

At the appropriate time the orchestra began to play a processional and Nick began to walk up the aisle followed by Virga, then by Octavia and Ning, then by Marlon and Annette. Nick and Marlon wore the usual red jacket with tails, silver waist coat, and blue trousers, Octavia was wearing a beautiful white and blue gown, Ning wore the red and gold of Agatea, and Annette wore a gown similar to Octavia's. They took up position on the dais as the prime minister Marquis Vernon Wynne stepped forward then silence reigned as the Prime Minister read out a citation that Nick knew nothing about.

"On June fifteenth, year of the Harmonious Rabbit, Ning Hau Chung, mother to the emperor of the Agatean Empire stepped into Nick and Octavia's bookstore in Creel Springs and saw an attack underway. She dashed back to Hunghung City and immediately gathered five hundred of the empires crack troops and led them through the mysteries of L-Space and into battle. The troops filled the streets of Creel Springs and rounded up all insurrectionists saving Creel Springs. Then they traveled to Lancre Castle and surrounded all of the attacking forces. Twenty Five of the troops paired up with the remaining Lancre forces and swept the castle clean and when they were done every Agatean troop returned to their home. Lady Chung, for your courage and loyalty we award you the King's Medal of Courage and proclaim you a hero of the Kingdom of Lancre."

The assembled audience rose and applauded wildly as the former queen, Magrat Garlick placed the brightly colored ribbon with the large shining medal on Ning's neck. She was shocked and didn't know what to do but Nick turned toward her and said, "Thank you for saving my country," and bent low and kissed his lover's cheek.

"We're even now," she whispered.

When silence returned Vernon Wynne read out another citation:

"On June fifteenth, year of the Harmonious Rabbit Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein Duke of Wægn and Marlon Pommeraie Worblehat-Stein responded to the attack on the Kingdom of Lancre. Lancre was attacked on multiple fronts by multiple armies of mercenaries. For conspicuous bravery in the face of deadly enemy actions, for saving untold number of lives and repelling enemy attacks under overwhelming odds in Creel Springs and in the Royal Palace, we present you with the Lancre Medal of Honor," and he placed a golden ribbon over Marlons neck, from that ribbon dangled the highest honor in their land.

Then the Prime Minister stepped up to Nick and placed the ribbon and medal on Nick's neck, his third LMH. "Gods damn it Pommy..." started the Prime Minister quietly. "Let the young kids fight our fights now."

"That's not how I roll Vern."

"I know," he shook Nick's hand. "Thank you my friend."

A priest from the local Temple of the Small Gods stepped forward and read a long boring prayer/speech/sermon and then it was time. Guided by her mother, Princess Esme stepped up to Nick and placed the simple crown on his head and crowned him with the name that Nanny Ogg suggested.

"I crown you King Verence the Third."

This was Princess Esmirelda Margaret Note Spelling of Lancre's first public appearance in many years and it was a shock to all assembled, she has been out of the spotlight since the deaths of her brothers. Usually, the coronation was handled by some boring official but she wanted to do it so Nick said, "She will do it. No Esme, no Nick." He, Magrat, and Esme practiced over and over and when the time came, she did it perfectly.

As the assembled multitude rose and applauded wildly for King Verence the Third, Esme smiled and said, "Daddy is happy," and she gave her new brother a kiss on the cheek.