- a continuing celebration of -

Fifty Years of Pratchett

© 2023 Duleigh Lawrence-Townshend. All rights reserved. The author asserts the right to be identified as the author of this story for all portions not previously copyrighted by Terry Pratchett. This story or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner without the express written permission of the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a review or commentary. If you see this story on any website other than Literotica.com, it has been copied without the author's permission.

This is a work of love, a fan fiction. Many of these characters are the creation of Sir Terry Pratchett, as is the multiverse in which they live. If you would like to find out which of these characters is or is not a creation of Terry, please contact this author. This tale was not written to steal the fame that Sir Terry rightfully earned, but to enjoy one more romp in the shadow of Cori Celesti and remind the world of what we lost on March 12, 2015.

"One day I'll be dead and THEN you'll all be sorry."

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ENCHANTRESS 3

The Last Elf

{With parenthetical annotations}

Unseeable by human eyes, unfathomable by human heart, highly amused by human imagination, she paddles with her massive flippers through the multiverse. She's the Queen of the Interstellar Pathways, the Great A'Tuin, the grandest of the giant Star Turtles (Chelys galactica), enormous and magnificent. She looks about herself as she swims through the multiverse following migratory paths that were written into her genome by the greatest prankster of all, The Creator. Free of the drag of her children, she is hungry and now she is hunting. Her eyes, each the size of a sea, take a century to blink and she looks forward to a destination known only to her. She possesses a brain the size of a small planet that moves at a speed that makes glaciers look downright spry. Her immense flippers propel her through the nothingness that is open space with massive strokes that take generations to complete. Her carapace is frosted with frozen methane, scarred with meteor craters, and coated with the intergalactic dust of eons of travel.

On her back stand four tremendous elephants, Berilia, Tubul, Great T'Phon, and Jerakeen, the World Elephants (Elephantidae Kosmosea). Tail to tail, they stand patiently watching the stars drift by as they bear the weight of the world on their shoulders. As we watch, Berilia must raise one of his feet to give the tiny sun that orbits the disc room to pass beneath him.

Ten thousand miles in diameter, the discworld is the marvel of the multiverse. Around the circumference of the disk is the eternal waterfall that is the Rimfall. At the center of the discworld is the hub, a mountain that stands ten miles in height. The name of the peak is Cori Celesti, which at the top is the palace complex named Dunmanifestin, the home of the Disc's many gods. Most of them are completely mad. {the rest are utterly mad}

As the sun passes under the disk, it is night, a dark and stormy night because that is when all the very best stories start. The seasons were changing and with that; it brought a chill to the night air in the Ramtop mountains, causing the weather patterns to shift. Clouds swirled and bumped into each other, things were said between rival weather patterns, and before you know it, it got personal and there was thunder and lightning and the party started to go downhill from there. The aforementioned thunder and lightning was centered over the tiny mountain kingdom of Lancre, and in the capitol town of Lancre, named Lancre Town, on a craggy mountain top stood an even more craggy castle known as Lancre Castle. Naming things is not a bustling trade in Lancre, as you may notice.

In Lancre Castle, a feast was being held, a feast in memory of those who gave their lives and those who protected lives in the Battle of Bear Mountain. The hospital ward set up in Creel Springs and the long term cases moved to Lancre Castle after the battle and that ward has finally been emptied. Many of the former patients of that hastily erected hospital have returned for this dinner. Except for when Sir Samuel Vimes, the Earl of Ankh, gave a moving eulogy for Officer Marcasite, the troll who lost his life in the battle, there was a lot of laughter to go round.

The Duke of Wægn, Sir Pommeraie de la Montesquieu (Nick) Worblehat-Stein, and his beautiful wife, the court wizard, Her Grace Octavia Worblehat-Stein sat at a small table near the front with two dwarves, Axemir Stronginthehead and Eryri Brawnkin. Their partners have become their life mates, and the two couples have forged an unbreakable bond in times of war and peace. Eryri and Octavia became close friends on the field of battle after Eryri shot Octavia's husband out of the sky so he could be sold to an insane emperor. As for Axemir and Nick, they were imprisoned together in the royal throne room in the great palace in Hunghung not long after Axemir tried to put a contract on Nick's head with the Assassin's guild.

No relationship is perfect.

One by one, men and dwarves were called up and honored for their acts of courage and bravery in the battle. Nick rose and shook the hand of each one as they walked past his table. Nick wasn't at the battle; he was abducted months prior, and they fought the battle to free him. Even though injured, Nick's former bandits were there, Alfie, Carl, Bertie, and Dexter, bandits that he caught on the road as highwaymen and he put them on the straight and narrow and now are his farmhands. "Good to see ya gov'na" and "Can't wait to get back to work."

All Nick could say was a hoarse but heartfelt "Thank you," as he shook each hand and tried to avoid each glance. Then he looked up at the king, who was standing at the head table, and the king gestured to him. Nick slowly rose, and walking with the wobbly painful gait that came from having his severed foot magically re-attached, he stepped up to the lectern and opened the introduction that the king's scribe wrote for him. And he hated every meaningless word.

Nick has never taken a public speaking class. He doesn't understand any concept other than "Speak loud enough to be heard in the back," but he is smart enough to know when other people's words are not good enough for his woman. He took the notes and nervously folded them up and returned them to his pocket. The crowd was silent as he looked at Octavia and spoke softly to her, but he was loud enough to be heard in the back.

"Not long ago my goals in life were simple, to carry twenty bricks at one time for a quarter mile, and to live through the night to do it again on the morrow. Then I met Octavia Worblehat and my meaningful and worthy goals somehow became silly. How do you not grow in wisdom when she can lead you to the greatest works of knowledge in all of mankind? How do you not fall in love when you stand side by side with love personified, and she takes your hand and says, 'I'm proud of you?' With her help, I could soon read and write in several languages, bind books, teach children, and more. I followed her across the disc and out into space, and we pledged ourselves to each other. When I was held captive, she tore the roots of the disc apart to find me, and bring me home, so she can give me the most important, most wonderful task on the disc, to be a father. Please welcome my wife, Lady Octavia Worblehat-Stein."

Through thunderous applause Axemir Stronginthehead escorted Lady Worblehat-Stein to the dais where she stood before the King who awarded her the Lancre Medal of Honor for stopping the pillaging Bear Mountain by criminal dwarves and freeing the Duke of Wægn from captivity in Agatea. That wasn't the end of the ceremony, but it was for Nick and Octavia. Both were tired of being in the spotlight and they needed to get their lives together and get their duchy ready for winter. Stepping outside of the castle, they found a coach that would take them home.

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Somewhere in Ankh-Morpork

Night was also setting on Ankh-Morpork, the Big Wahoonie, a city of a million men, women, dwarves, trolls, gnolls, goblins, golems, vampires, werewolves, and a guy named Nobbie. Home to the concept of governance by one man, one vote. {The patrician is the man, and he gets the vote} and law enforcement by contract where guilds rule the activities of men and women, all their activities. Murder is only legal by permit, but stabbing isn't, so if you kill your quarry, you get paid, if he lives you go to prison.

The first task of the Night Watch when finding a body is to contact the Assassin's guild to see if there was a contract on the body, and if there was a contract, it was a legal inhumation. If there was no contract, then it's murder. If there was a contract, their next step was to determine if the assassin who was assigned the contract was the person to inhume the body. If not, then it was a murder. This complex morass makes it sound like the Patrician was both an assassin and a lawyer, which, sadly, is the case.

Ankh-Morpork is home to the Unseen University, the preeminent university of magic and wizardry, home to nearly a thousand wizards, none of whom have a steady income. The university is not so much to advance the wizarding arts but to contain them. That is, to contain the wizards, not the magic. Intrinsic Magic is free. It's all around, it makes up the entire multiverse. Intrinsic magic is what makes the Great A'tuin as big as she is, and her elephants as strong as they are, and the disc as flat as it is. And it keeps the trio of turtle/elephant/disc together. Wizardry is merely the way men try to use the magic that is available and, most importantly, if what they did was successful to record their steps so they can do it again.

But tonight, the eight great orders of wizardry have come together for the first time in nearly a century united in a common cause {other than dinner}. It has been brought to their attention that the most powerful wizard on the disk isn't one of them. In fact, she doesn't even have the common decency to be a man, and they must do something about it.

What they don't realize is that she is not a wizard except on paper. In truth, she is something completely different.

A representative from each of the eight mystic orders of wizardry had stepped forward to form a Wizard's Octet, a magical grouping that hasn't been seen on the discworld in centuries, The ancient prophesy said, "Kui kaheksa kogunevad, ei saa ükski lõunasöök taluda" Translated as "When the wizards eight shall gather, no force can stand."

{Unfortunately, the translator mistook the word lõunasöök to mean force. In reality, it means lunch and the prophecy correctly reads, "When the wizards eight shall gather, no diner can withstand." This isn't a prophecy as it is a warning to the kitchen staff.}

One representative from each of the eight great orders joined the octet:

Sundew Wartsnort of the Ancient and Truly Original Brothers of the Silver Star,

Kup Flanagan of the Ancient and Truly Original Sages of the Unbroken Circle,

Astralfeek Sunflow of the Brotherhood of the Hoodwink,

Fallewraith Flanagon of the Brothers of the Order of Midnight,

Newthees Femuagnes of the Sages of the Unknown Shadow,

Locklear Oatpusher of the Venerable Council of Seers,

Szandor Obsidian-Moon of Mrs. Widgery's Lodgers,

Akasha IronNight of The Last Order.

Picture a dark room. The only furnishing is an eight-sided table surrounded by eight chairs which, one by one, is filled by a wizard. In most cases, it is a very large wizard. Smoke fills the air as the wizards glared at each other and puffed their pipes filled with Ol' Pappy's Special Blend or Codger's Famous Weed. Some preferred cigars with strange names like Hecho por Esclavos and Caca de Perro. Smoke rings became smoke cubes or parallelograms, puffs of smoke became mystic creatures. You could cut the tension {and the air} with a knife.

Akasha IronNight of The Last Order finally rose, then reached up his sleeve and withdrew a bouquet of paper flowers. "Wrong sleeve," he muttered and extracted a gavel from the other sleeve and rapped the table several times. "Wizards if you please, I'd like to call this meeting to order."

"Oo put you in charge?" cried Kup Flanagan of the Ancient and Truly Original Sages of the Unbroken Circle as the shouting started.

"Gentlewizards! Gentlewizards!" shouted Akasha, banging the gavel until a semblance of order returned. "My authority to rise and call the meeting to order comes from the ancient maxim 'The first shall be last and the last shall be first.' I am from The Last Order, so I am first, if you follow the ancient wisdom."

That went over like a lead sparrow. Pitched arguments started, shouts of "Call to order!" filled the air, as did multihued lightning bolts. Only the catering team could bring a halt to the bickering and fighting by setting out menus. It is said that an army travels on its stomach, theirs hold wizards captive.

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The Mended Drum Pub, Ankh-Morpork

Dark plans were afoot elsewhere in the city. They were up to no good at the Mended Drum, which was unique these days. The Mended Drum, at the height of its depths, was once the central watering hole of the underworld, "knifing a knight a night at the Drum" was the old motto, but lately new management had cast aside it's crowds of miscreants, scoundrels, villains, crooks, rogues, and ne'er-do-wells. They discovered that when you're not spending all your time tossing bodies and body parts into the river out back and scrubbing blood splatters off the ceiling, you might serve a meal or two and make some money. Flowers on the tables, proper illumination and a couple of tables with umbrellas out on the sidewalk and the Mended Drum was no longer a rowdy pub. It became a location.

They stationed a live troll at the door to keep rowdy troublemakers out and admit the more respectable troublemakers. Inside, several golems waited tables and helped maintain order on weekends when the tourist trade was at its peak. The Mended Drum is sadly the most reputable disreputable bar on the disc, and the most popular. Oh, sure, there's still beatings and stabbings, but these are professional men and it's not done in a drunken rage, but in a neat, professional manner.

Last Tuesday night was Open Mic Night. Sadly, the comedian, Mic, told the wrong joke about the wrong person's wife. Knives came out, and it became Open Mic Night. Next Tuesday night might be Open Gary Night, let's hope Gary has better luck. This night a new band was playing music with rocks in it upstairs, Frankie Valet and the Four Flavors, while downstairs in the pub the gloom was palpable and welcome. The pub is not for tourists, it's for drinking. The only activity was in the corner where the Mended Drum's axe throwing team was warming up for a match against the team from The Dragon's Tail pub. Mended Drum was expecting a win after the Dragon's Tail's team lost their star goal tender.

In another corner, there were two dark booths. In one booth a conversation was being held between a shady-looking customer and Foule Ole Ron while in the other booth a dark figured listened intently. There was a Smell emanating from Foule Ole Ron, a Smell that brought powerful men to their knees. The Smell insured privacy as the conversation continued, and was intentional, forcing anyone who got within earshot to be incapable of hearing the conversation over the sound of their own retching.

"That gal got herself in serious trouble," said the Shady Looking Customer. "She was the court wizard in the kingdom of Lancre, but her hubby got himself made the Emperor of the Agatean empire, now the thieves guild wants to take advantage of the situation and make off with all that Agatean gold while there's an Ankh-Morpork Boy on the throne."

"Bugrit," grumbled Foul Ole Ron as he sipped his beer with a loud slurp.

"The wizards aren't happy that she calls herself a wizard and they're looking to do something about it. They even formed a committee. What they don't know is that she's in the family way," said the unseen speaker. "What kind of powers is that baby going to have?"

"Bugrit," repeated Foul Ole Ron as he began to eat the peanuts, shells and all. A raucous and sour fart from Foul Ole Ron energized the Smell to new heights of power.

"It's said that the witches are up in arms about her hubby bein' a witch and a guy at the same time, some say the witches are going to try to nab her babe soon as it's born to force him to renounce his position of witch in Creel Springs."

"Millennium hand and shrimp."

"Did you get all of that?" asked the first voice.

The intended listener of the conversation was actually in the other booth, sitting with his back to the speaker, listening intently. He replied with a sad, "Ook."

Slowly the one that uttered that single word reply slipped out of the Mended Drum and knuckled his way into the night. He was to a casual observer an ape, an orangutan, but a closer observation would reveal... the same thing. A great ape was having a surreptitious conversation in the Mended Drum. He hurried back to the Unseen University and clambered up into the librarian's desk and looked at the return stack of books and inspected each one, stamped the card with the return date then pushed them to the far side of the desk with a loud "Ook!"

"Yes sir," said his student assistant who hurried to reshelve the books.

Meanwhile the librarian curled up under his desk with a blanket and worried about what he heard tonight. He stopped worrying about being an orangutan a long time ago and the wizards stopped trying to turn him back into a human. He thought with that conflict settled all would be peaceful, but not after what he heard tonight. That man, the witch is his son-in-law, the woman that is a wizard, she was his stepdaughter, and she's carrying his grandchild. He pulled the blanket over his head and thought long and hard of how he could protect his family.

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Partridge Cottage, Creel Springs, Lancre

Once again the baby began his little dance in her womb, and Octavia Worblehat-Stein wished she could share this with her husband, but he had finally got to sleep, and she couldn't bring herself to wake him. For months, he was trapped in the body of an eagle, slowly losing himself in the eagle's mind. A ring of octanium on his leg prevented him from using magic and returning to human form, so he sat day after day on a perch, starving himself to death while Octavia searched in vain for him. She still remembers the agony that went through her mind when she realized what she was going to have to do to free her husband, and from a third of the disc away she shot off his leg, freeing him from that ring and allowing him to change forms.

She remembered the terror she felt as she flew as fast as she could from the peak of Bear Mountain to their bookstore at the base of the mountain where she could dash through L-Space to the throne room where he was held captive, terrified that he would be dead. When she got there, he was in a pool of blood, but most of it wasn't his blood. It was the blood of the deranged child emperor that taunted and tortured him and at the same time tortured his entire empire for weeks on end. The lad happened to be standing right there when Nick became an enormous dragon as the kid desired, then starving and weak Nick collapsed on the kid. Thank the gods that a fellow prisoner, Axemir Stronginthehead applied a tourniquet to Nick's leg and saved Nick's life.

He was finally home in their cottage that had welcomed him home with cool breezes on the porch and evenings in front of a fire at night. Octavia pulled herself up close to Nick. He was still skin and bones from refusing to eat. She made a note to make chicken and dumplings for dinner. That should help. Just now, she wanted to share the miracle that was dancing inside her womb and pressed her belly against his back. She hoped against hope that he could feel the baby moving. "That's our son," she whispered. Nick must have heard it because he relaxed.

Then she noticed what most pregnant women notice at a tender moment like this... she has to pee. Damnit. There's a bucket with a lid that Ellie Grady, a girl that works at the Emporium, gave her, but she didn't want that. She'll save that for later and she eased out of bed and headed for the "two holer" out back. Thanks to her magic it's the only heated outhouse in the Kingdom of Lancre.

The moment she climbed down the stairs, her wizard's staff began to move. Made of Sapient Pearwood, her staff had feet. It was a walking stick that could walk anywhere you could walk. It climbed out of the olliphont foot umbrella stand and crept upstairs. The wizard's staff was six feet tall with a big wooden knob on the top, the knob was as big around as a lawn bowling ball, but as it neared the bed on its dozen tiny legs it leaned over Nick and the ball on the top opened revealing what looked like a giant eye, because it actually was a huge eyeball, the Eye of Knute, an ancient Dwarven artifact. The eyeball was pure white ivory; the iris was deep blue lapis lazuli, and the pupil was deep black Obsidian and it could see so much more than a human can see.

Octavia put on a robe and slippers that were stationed next to the back door just for this occasion, cursing the fact that at one point in her life she was exposed to indoor plumbing, and now it was just a fond memory. As she stepped outside to the outhouse, Nick was startled awake by an eyeball the size of a large man's fist staring at him in the gloom. "I figured it out," whispered the eyeball as it glared at Nick. Virga was upset because it figured out the meaning of the name that Nick gave it. "Virga means stick!"

Screaming in horror, Nick threw his pillow at the ghastly apparition and the pillow wrapped itself around the terrifying specter. As the eyeball struggled against the pillow, Nick discovered that the eyeball was on a stick... a stick with feet! He grabbed another pillow and threw it, and the pillow wrapped around the base of the stick, wrapping up its feet. The stick fell and laid across Nick, and the terror was starting to overwhelm Nick. He couldn't hold back...

The screams of the house gargoyle Gula startled Octavia. Gula is madly in love with Nick and very protective of him, her open mouth shouts of "IIIIIK! IIIIIK!" {Nick! Nick!} told Octavia that something was wrong with Nick. She dashed into the house and hearing a roar and a snarl and muffled screams for help, Octavia raced up the steep stairs to find her wizard's staff wrapped up in pillows and a blanket while a huge black Bang Galore Tiger stood on the bed roaring at the staff. "Virga, calm down! Stop moving and talking. You scared him."

"Scared him? Look at what he did to me!"

"Virga, stop it or I'll let you experience what he went through for months." For a few seconds Octavia set Virga in the hell that Nick went through, stuck in an eagle's body, chained to a perch, an octanium ring sapping away his strength. The staff stopped struggling and Octavia turned to the huge snarling cat on their bed that was still crouched and ready to spring.

"Ssshhhh, ssshhhh, it's ok darling, there was no threat, it was just OUR staff showing you her new eye." Octavia emphasized the word OUR to remind Virga that she serves both masters in this house. Octavia's walking stick never really got along with Nick. Virga almost got him killed in Four Ecks, and Octavia hoped that they would have gotten along better by now, considering everything they've been through.

Guess not.

Octavia gently touched the black cat. He was huge, beautiful, and terrified. "SSsshhhh, ssshhhh, it's ok darling," she slipped off her robe and her nightdress so the cat could see that it's her. She wanted him to see that she's no threat, and she wasn't hiding anything under her robe. Octavia reached out and gently began to stroke the big cat's soft fur, "such a pretty kitty!" and he was an incredibly beautiful big cat. His black fur actually had blue highlights in the candlelight and the only color on him was the left eye, which was solid gold and the key shaped tuft of silver hair on his chest between his massive forelegs.

"Come on, cuddle with me," she said as she slid sinuously into bed. Even preceded by a baby bump, she was the sweetest, sexiest thing that Nick has ever seen. Even in his terrified state, he could see through his fear and see the woman that he loved was next to him, unafraid. She hugged him and said, "Come on, you big fluffy thing, come snuggle with me." She wrapped her arms around the two-hundred-pound beast and began to rub its tummy, and soon the rumbling of a giant feline's purring filled the room.

It was so relaxing to have her Nick back, even though he was in the body of a Bang Galore Tiger {A Bang Galore Tiger was a tiger bred for racing. They stood 14 to 16 hands tall and weighed up to 10 jockeys, which, surprisingly, was the average monthly food intake of a Bang Galore Tiger, which explains why there's no tiger races in Bang Galore, Muntab anymore} He was warm and soft, and even though he's not the Nick she married, she could feel Nick deep inside the tiger. "Thank you for coming home to me," she whispered.

As Nick relaxed, the pillows and blankets that were wrapped around Virga loosened and fell off, and Nick slowly relaxed his grip on the tiger's body. Octavia started to drift off to sleep as she clutched her huge black cat. She almost didn't notice him start to change slowly back to Nick. "Thank you for saving me," he whispered hoarsely, "again." Then the pain and terror of being trapped in a body that wasn't his returned and he began to shudder, trying desperately to hold back the scream that was trying to work its way out.

"Shhh, don't. If you start crying, I'll start crying," she whispered, but it was too late and the horror was too real. They were both in tears before the sun came up.

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Creel Springs, Lancre

It was a bright, crisp autumn day, and the harvest was in full swing. Autumn was a busy time for the farmers and witches, harvest time meant farm injuries as people labored ahead of the incoming winter to get in their crops, stack the last cord of firewood, finish stacking the feed for the animals, and slaughter the last unneeded boar and calf. Soon, canning would be in full swing in the kitchens across Lancre, and they would need the witches of Lancre in force to deal with the myriad of injuries and illnesses that crop up in the busiest time of the year.

A small black carriage pulled up to Nick and Octavia's bookstore in the village of Creel Springs and stopped next to the buckboard wagon with mule that was already there. Two witches stepped off the carriage, leaving the driver, an exhausted looking middle-aged woman, to wait. {She was a daughter-in-law of Nanny Ogg, and all of Nanny Ogg's daughters-in-law look exhausted} The two witches, both of a certain age {that's the polite way to say old} were well known in Lancre and other parts of the disc, one was tall and ramrod straight, and ramrod slim. She was the walking personification of the word and the concept of stern; the other was short and round and normally a cheerful soul, but today they were both very serious.

"Back to work already?" asked Granny Weatherwax as she stepped into Nick and Octavia's bookstore. She cast a stern glare around the interior of the shop, but Nick was nowhere to be seen. It was just Octavia binding a sprained wrist on a young boy along with the lad's mother and older sister. Granny detested "book learning" and the bookstore was the cradle of that sin as far as Granny was concerned.

"Mister Wobblehat isn't here," pouted a young girl, Moyra McCrory, as she held up a bandaged hand.

"Ooo, what happened to you little one?" asked Nanny Ogg, Granny Weatherwax's best {and only} friend.

"Somebody tried to pet a porkypine," said Octavia, nodding to Moyra. "And this one was laughing at his sister so much he fell out of the tree he was climbing," and she tickled the tummy of the young boy she was mending.

"It hurt," pouted little Gavin McCrory. "I couldn't breathe."

"Yes," said Octavia sympathetically. "It knocked the wind out of you. That's scary, I know." Then, in a conspiratorial tone of voice, she said, "I climbed my share of trees, so I know how it feels. And you know what?" then she whispered, "I still climb them." The thought of a fancy lady like the duchess climbing a tree started the two children giggling. "Ok mommy, these two monkeys are ready to go. Let's keep them out of the trees and away from porkypines for a while."

"There's no such thing as monkeys," said Moyra with all the knowledge and self-assurance of a preteen girl.

"See that picture on the wall?" Octavia pointed to a painting of an orangutan holding a human baby. "That's me and my dad right after he adopted me."

"Your daddy is a monkey?" gasped Gavin.

"He works at a university in Ankh-Morpork where there are lots of wizards and magic and there was an accident and he got turned into an ape."

"My daddy is a people!" said Gavin proudly.

"Why don't they turn him back?" asked the mom, Ena McCrory. Ena's dad is the blacksmith Trei Metzgar and his shop is next to the bookstore.

"They try to change him back, but he keeps running away. He says it's because being an ape is too much fun."

"All right, you two monkeys," said Ena as she helped the kids on with their coats. "Let's get you two back home and thank you so much, your grace... what do we owe you?"

"Owe? As the duke says, you owe me two healthy children that our son can play with soon," and she tapped her belly, that was slowly increasing in size. "But we need bandages. If you have some sheets you could donate, then we could cut them to the size we need."

Ena sighed in relief. It was a worry that with the witch being gone, having his wife, the duchess, providing medical care would cost so much more. "I thought my dad was crazy when he said that's what you were asking for, but I brought some anyway," and she handed Octavia a shopping bag full of sheets. Some of them looked brand new.

"This is... quite generous," said Octavia, who was almost moved to tears. Mountain people don't have much in the way of money, so frivolous things like sheets are a rare item, a large denomination coin in a barter society.

"Well, you're going to use them to fix us up, so we'll be getting them back in bits and pieces, especially with these two," she said, glaring at her two giggling children.

"Do you mind if we sleep on one of these? I mean, just until we can get some sheets of our own."

The woman looked at Octavia strangely. Who has ever heard of a duke and duchess that can't afford sheets? Royals are made of money, everyone knows that. "Yer grace are things ok?" the woman asked quietly.

"We're fine, we just... we'll be ok."

"What are you..."

Not one to back off when backing off is being wordlessly requested, Granny seized the conversation by the throat. "What the duchess isn't saying is that she and the duke spent all their money paying off all your taxes, they did that for everyone in the county so you can spend a year and recover from the predators that have been wringing money out of you."

"Granny please... don't..." said Octavia, trying not to cry. "We have another job, we'll be ok."

"You have another job? You're taking side work?"

"No, of course not... well... a little bit." The beautiful brunette looked flummoxed, Octavia couldn't reveal the nature of their side job. They wouldn't understand. She removed the sheets from the shopping bag that was gaily decorated with floral embroidery and tried to hand it back to Ena, but the woman refused it.

"No, you keep it. I have more than enough."

Octavia looked overwhelmed at the beautiful gift. "Thank you so much! I needed one!" and she clutched it to her chest tightly as if it were the most precious thing she owned. She escorted Ena and the children out to their wagon and as Ena climbed up on the driver's seat, she said, "Thank you again, it's so beautiful."

Ena was shocked. No woman gushes over a shopping bag that much... not without a reason. Is the duke beating her? That's got to be it. As she picked up the reins, she leaned way over and whispered softly so the witches who were watching from the door of the store wouldn't hear, "Are you safe? If you're being hurt, we can talk and maybe get you some help." The men of Creel Springs do not brook men battering their wives, "the boys" will straighten out newlywed issues of that sort.

Octavia guessed what Ena was hinting at, but she didn't realize that Ena considered Nick a threat. "No, why do you ask?"

"Well, your grace, no one gushes over used sheets and an old, worn-out old shopping bag, not unless there's a reason."

"No, it's beautiful. I'll treasure it always."

"It's just something my mom made," insisted Ena. "I was going to throw it away."

Octavia looked at the bag and gasped, "No! It's beautiful!"

Now Ena started chuckling. "You act like it's the only gift you've ever received."

"It kind of is! I'll treasure it forever!" and with that she returned to the bookstore and with a flick of the reins Ena McCrory and her children headed home, but Ena had to stop first and talk with her sister about this new duchess that the king selected.

Octavia turned and walked over to the blacksmith shop still holding her shopping bag tight to her chest and as she walked over there, Granny Weatherwax and Nanny Ogg followed her. At the Blacksmith shop Octavia walked right up to the blacksmith, Trei Metsker and between blows of his hammer on an iron bar he was shaping, she gave him a big hug. "Thank you so much for letting people know that we need material for bandages. Ena collected a stack of sheets for us."

"She told you she collected the sheets?" Trei didn't have to tell anyone except his two daughters, Ena McCrory and Darina Ivers, along with their mother Erin to let the entire county know that Nick and Octavia needed sheets for bandages.

"She didn't have to. Some were worn, some were brand new, and she said we could use one!" Then Octavia's eyes grew wide with wonder, "she gave me this beautiful shopping bag!" she showed Trei the shopping bag that his wife made years ago. He remembered his daughters Darina and Ena fighting over the bag as teenagers, and for years it had been traveling back and forth between the girls' carrying items between their households. Now Octavia has it.

It seems to Trei that he and Erin have picked up another daughter. He looked down on the tiny black-haired woman, belly growing large with child, and her bright brown eyes a'glitter with the joy of the warm autumn morning. It is sometimes hard for him to remember that this homespun young couple is actually quite powerful, politically and magically. "If there's anything else you need, let me know, ok your grace?"

"I will Mister Metzger!" Smiling broadly Octavia returned to the bookstore and went inside and stepped into a small closet behind Nicks corner where he did his calligraphy and book repairs. "I have to hold court today for a short while. You're welcome to come watch," she said as she changed clothes. When she emerged, she was wearing a red silk gown embossed with golden eagles.

"That's... that's..." for the first time in her long, long life, Granny Weatherwax was stuck for words.

"That's real gold!" gushed Nanny Ogg as she ran her fingers over the eagles on Octavia's sleeves.

"Yes, they went a little overboard when they made this for me," Octavia turned left and right making sure the gown was hanging properly, then she drew her black hair back in a ponytail, spun it up into a bun, then pinned it in place with two sticks. "Nick had a bad night last night. He's still getting over everything, so I sent him out exploring with his buddy Axemir and I'm going to hold court today." She checked her gown one more time, then she said, "If you want to come with me, we'll be gone about four hours. If you just want to wait here, I'll be back in about ten minutes."

"I'm not sure if all your book learning got you any smarter, but your math isn't adding up," said Granny Weatherwax. "I will follow you."

"And I'll stay here just to see what you're up to," said Nanny Ogg, and she sat down at the front desk ready to do any healing for anyone who walks through the door.

Smiling, Octavia placed a small, fifteen-minute hourglass in front of Gytha and then led Granny into the maze of bookshelves and into the scientific marvel known as L-Space.

Have you ever gone into one of those really, really great old used bookstores that went on and on and the deeper you went into those columns of collected knowledge the more you realized that you were much further from the where you started than you realized? You were just skirting on the edge of L-Space.

The theory behind L-Space is simple, yet mundane users of bookstores and libraries often overlook it. The theory states that in enormous quantities, books warp space and time around them. The principle of L-Space revolves around the universal law that 'Knowledge is Power.' Books contain knowledge, therefore:

BOOKS = KNOWLEDGE and KNOWLEDGE = POWER therefore BOOKS = POWER

Power is best described in the following equation:

POWER = (FORCE X DISTANCE ÷ TIME)

The power generated by copious quantities of magical and mundane books creates portals into L-Space that can be accessed using innate powers of Librarianship that are taught by the Librarians of Time and Space to those deemed worthy across the multiverse. This means that all bookstores are infinite in extent; all book collections touch each other, and libraries are gateways into literary hyperspace. In other words, "a good bookshop is just a genteel blackhole that knows how to read."

Navigating L-Space is the forte of a Senior Master Librarian such as Octavia; a specialist properly trained in the Library Sciences can navigate anywhere in the literary universe and end up on worlds of wonder that can only be described properly with watercolors, or in Dickinson North Dakota for Grandma Lena's 98th birthday. Octavia had to go halfway across the surface of the disc into two hours previous of time, and she knew the path well.

As they walked between the bookshelves, it seemed to Granny that the bookshelves were closing in on them, and she noticed that the books stacked up on the shelves had definitely taken a foreign look to them, they looked like strips of wood tied together and rolled up in a bundle. As they turned a corner Octavia called out, "Virga! Where are you?"

"I got lost," came a muffled response.

With an annoyed sigh Octavia reached out with an open hand and called "Come to momma," and Granny could hear a knocking sound, like someone was tapping on the bookshelves with a stick, then a staff appeared from around a corner and slipped into her open hand. "Mmmm, Virga, you're nice and thick today." Octavia's hand could barely close around her walking stick/wizard's staff.

"He's thinking about you today," said Virga in a disgusted tone. Virga, being community property between the witch Pommeraie de la Montesquieu {Nick} Worblehat-Stein, and his wife, the Enchantress Octavia Worblehat-Stein, has discovered that she transfers the emotions and feelings of Nick to Octavia and vice versa. Right now, Virga is as big around as Nick's cock and Octavia realized that if this walking stick was warm and throbbing, she could end up masturbating in front of Granny... it's been a long time since she and her husband had made love. The last time was just before he was shot down and kidnapped, shot down by a dwarf that is now her best friend.

Torn whether she should turn back and keep an eye on her husband or just let him go, Octavia decided on trusting him and she continued through the bookshelves and soon they stepped into an enormous room lined with red silk curtains and gold ornamentations. "You are now my trusted advisor," said Octavia to Granny. "Stand behind me to my right and occasionally I will ask you questions about what is being presented to me."

Octavia placed Virga next to the entrance to the library as a small child ran up to Octavia and knelt in front of her holding up a red silk pillow with a golden tiara encrusted with yellow diamonds. A girl dressed similarly to Octavia stepped up and carefully placed the tiara on Octavia's head. "Nǐ hǎo, wǒ de péngyǒumen," said Octavia, hoping against hope that she said, "Hello my friends" and not something horrible. "Did I say it right?"

The young woman smiled and said, "Yes, your highness, it's very good... Xièxiè." {Thank you}

"Bié kèqì?" {Your welcome?}

"Yes! Very good," smiled the young female. She was slim and pretty with a girlish figure and foreign eyes {as Granny would say} and straight black hair even darker than Octavia's if that were possible.

"Gé?" {Hug?} Octavia asked, but the girl shook her head nervously. She couldn't dare take that chance with the empress.

"No, my empress, it's not right."

"Ok, but someday we will hug like sisters. I would be honored if you and Jia come to my house where Nick and I live. We will drink tea and Jia can play with the magic dog and you and I can be sisters, if it is fine with you."

The girl looked terrified, but the little boy had a pleading look on his face. He wanted to play with the magic talking dog. When Octavia said "you and I can be sisters" the girl calmed some, she's been used so many times for so many reasons... "Yes my empress... I think we would like that."

"Ok, after court, you come home with me for a visit, and don't forget the candle I gave you." Octavia had given the girl a messenger candle to call for help any time she is hurt or feels threatened.

"Yes, my empress." And the young girl and the little boy hustled away.

"Who was that?" asked Granny.

"That was Ning and her son, Jia. She's my valet and second translator."

"She can't be more than fourteen," said Granny.

"She's eighteen, and Jia is six. When you are starving, you look younger than you are, and this country is not safe for young women. Men here are desirous of youthful women. I have to get her out of here," said Octavia as she walked across the room leading Granny. There was a fancy bench seat at one end of the room with room for three. It was gold with red silk cushions, with the ends curled up. It looked like a couch with no back.

"Sit next to me," said Octavia, and although she worded it as a request, it was an order. Octavia's voice is becoming authoritarian but not nasty. It was something that Granny approved of in witches, but this girl isn't a witch, her husband is. Granny sat primly next to Octavia as Ning came back and stood behind Octavia. A skinny man walked up to Octavia and handed her a clipboard. He was wearing a silk robe like Octavia but he was wearing a strange hat that had a flat board on top and a screen that hung down from the edges of the flat board and hid his face.

"Lung Mist, what did we say about the hats?"

"But empress, tradition!"

"New tradition, no funny hats."

"What is this empress nonsense?" hissed Granny as Lung Mist took off his hat, revealing the sad face of a skinny old man.

"This is my side job," said Octavia with an apologetic smile. "The last emperor died and since it was our fault, we had to take over and run their empire until they determine who the real next emperor is going to be." Octavia turned to Lung Mist, who was still next to her. "I want a smile. No smile, no yell, that's the rule." Lung Mist looked like he was going to cry. Yelling was the only good part of this job. She just took that away? For a smile? Finally, Lung Mist began to chuckle at the silliness of her order, and she said, "See? You look so much better. Go ahead and yell."

This was the part of his job that he really liked. Lung Mist began to yell words that were incomprehensible to Granny but as he yelled in the sing-song language of his people, the curtain at the other end of the room began to open revealing a vast hall filled with hundreds of people. Many were sitting at low tables, but many people were lined up against the wall on either side of the immense hall. "What is all this?" gasped Granny.

"The people sitting down are people that want to kill my husband and me. They are the rich landowners and politicians who want things to remain unchanged, and they want us dead."

"Why?" gasped Granny.

"We kind of ended life as they know it. We demand that they account for every dime that they collect in taxes... just like we are doing in Wægn. We demand that they treat the people that work their lands kindly. These people like to cause famines to keep their people in line, because people don't have the energy to consider overthrowing their slave masters if they're starving. We are going to stop that, and that makes the guys sitting down very angry."

"What about the people standing up?" asked Granny as Lung Mist continued to howl in his native language. Occasionally the audience would react, and Ning would lean over and whisper in Octavia's ear what the audience was saying.

"They are the farmers and peasants. They're the pawns. Most are on our side, but they can't come out and say it because their landowner will kick them off their land."

Granny soon saw what Octavia had set up, Ning was translating what the people on the floor said and whispering into Octavia's ear their words in Morporkian. Lung Mist was translating what Octavia said to those on the floor, and Ning was translating what Lung Mist said for Octavia as well. For her first case Several families were devastated because the owner of the land had kicked them off the land for allowing a parcel of land to lie fallow, a necessary option to take, it allows the land to restore the soil's natural nutrient balance, otherwise the constant growing of crops would exhaust the land. When the landowner, who was not a farmer, saw that they did not plant it, he refused to listen to the farmer's reasoning and threw several families off the land for not obeying him.

"I will speak to the landowner," said Octavia to the families through Lung Mist, "I am sure that he will agree with me that your punishment for not communicating with him adequately for the need to allow the parcels of land to lie fallow will be an adequate punishment. As your punishment, I order you back on to that land and order you to properly farm the land as I see fit."

She then turned to the landowner and said to Lung Mist, "Tell Wūgòu to approach." When the angry landowner grew near the throne, he started to speak, and Lung Mist tried to translate but Wūgòu was speaking too fast. Octavia raised a hand and quietly said, "Shut up. Remember that the members of my army come from farmers, not landowners. They will follow my orders. Now thank me for my wisdom."

"I will never say..." Suddenly the landowner felt the point of a dagger at the small of his back and he shut up.

"I give you permission to thank me for my wisdom," said Octavia, her voice was as cold as ice and the chill survived Lung Mist's translation.

Wūgòu took a deep breath and prepared to spit on the empress, but thought better of the idea and swallowed his mouthful of saliva. "I cannot, Dragon Empress." Octavia nodded her head and Wūgòu was escorted away from the throne by two soldiers.

"Wūgòu has generously donated every acre of his land to the Emperor's land bank to help end the famine," announced Lung Mist with an actual smile. "Wednesday, the emperor will determine who will manage the land, but for now, the Empress will manage it. We will hear the next case."

There was a lot of whispering on the floor as landowners and farmers began to restate their cases with each other before speaking to Octavia, the landowners realized that they outnumbered the army and this little game that this hubland-ish woman was playing will come to an end soon.

That's when the screaming started...

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Bear Mountain, Creel Springs, Lancre

"I don't like this," muttered Nick as the mule clip-clopped along the road that Octavia built.

"Relax, you're going to love this," said Nick's pal Axemir. Except for Octavia, Axemir is Nick's only friend other than Trei Metzgar, the town blacksmith. Nick is twenty-four years old {he thinks, he has no documentation to back that up} and Trei is almost three times Nick's age and is more a dad or maybe a grandfather {Nick has neither} than a friend. Axemir is 83, but for a dwarf, that's equivalent to mid-20s. When Axemir was sent to the Assassin's Guild to put a contract out on Nick, he was considered "That early eighties kid" and when Nick wasn't inhumed, Axemir's bosses said it was because Axemir was too young to properly negotiate the contract with the Assassins guild.

After what seemed like hours of clopping along, Nick finally asked, "Where did you get the horse?"

"It's a mule, his name is Dave."

"Is this Erin's mule?"

"Relax!" said Axemir. "When that crazy lady shot you down, Erin practically gave Dave to Octavia."

"I thought you were living with that crazy lady." The crazy lady in question is Eryri, a dwarf like Axemir. She and Axemir are partners in the mining project going on under the hubwise side of Bear Mountain. When he realized that he wasn't going to get much more than a grin from Axemir for his remark about living with the crazy lady Axemir, Nick eventually groaned, "I should be in Hunghung instead of Octavia."

"No, in your mood today, you'll put half of them to death. Not that it wouldn't help any, but that's not how the princess wants things to run over there. Let her set the expectations before you go have a chat with them on Wednesday." Their schedule is on Monday, the Empress meets with petitioners, on Wednesday the Emperor meets with regional governors, and on Friday, the Emperor and Empress will appear together to speak to the nation.

"What about me?" said Nick. "Don't I get a say in how my empire is run?" In reality Octavia is running the Agatean empire, Nick has a deep love for the mountainous Kingdom of Lancre and the Duchy of Wægn, and he prefers to be the duke.

"Of course not, don't be silly, you're a guy." They came to an intersection in the road and Axemir pointed out the side road. "According to Eryri and Octavia, there's a nice hot spring down that way."

Nick recognized the fairy lamps that were hanging from a rock outcropping and said, "Yeah, lots of fairies here, big sweetwood grove and a really nice hot spring back there... we're not going to stop?"

"No, we're heading on. Do you recognize any of this here?" asked Axemir.

"No, when Octavia hiked up this mountain she and I went on to the top over that way to the right, we were climbing above this, she didn't even mention this road when we talked."

"You were being held in Agatea when she uncovered this road. The road to the hot springs is all new, but this here is ancient." Then Axemir thought for a moment and called out towards the woods, "We need four volunteers. Who wants to go for a ride?"

"I do," came a muffled voice from the back of the wagon.

About a dozen fairies fluttered to attention in front of the wagon and Axemir said, "We might not be coming back this way, we could go somewhere scary," and three more fairies joined the group. In the end, Axemir picked three blonds and a brunette and said, "we have a lantern on each corner of the wagon. When we're moving, can you folks hop in a lantern and glow for us?"

The brunette saluted Axemir and said, "Shi de!"

"Wait a minute, hey buddy, you can speak Agatean?" asked Axemir.

"Uh huh," said the brunette fairy nodding his head. "Fluently."

"My buddy here might need a translator; can you go with him when he needs one?"

"Can I take my girlfriend?"

"Who is your girlfriend?" asked a surprised Axemir. He didn't realize that fairies dated.

"Them," said the brunette, pointing to all the blonds.

Meanwhile, Nick was looking in the back of the wagon for the voice he heard earlier and he soon found his dog Gaspode curled up under a horse blanket, just his nose peeking out from under the blanket. "What are you doing back here, buddy?"

"Don't tell anyone, but I'm keeping an eye on you," the little dog said as Nick lifted him up onto the seat to sit between him and Axemir. "It's a secret."

"So, you can't tell me that Octavia asked you to spy on me?"

"Nope. Sorry buddy, mum's the word, I made a promise," said Gaspode as he settled in between Nick and Axemir and looked around. "We're not going to the hot spring?"

"No, dwarves don't like hot springs," said Nick.

"Probably because it's a huge waste of dwarf power," said Axemir. From a dwarves point of view a hot spring slows down productivity especially when the youngsters like Axemir and Eryri want to go soak in the hot water {as do the old timers but with their seniority it's a forgivable sin}.

Soon they came to a crossroads with a cruciform signpost carved out of ebony stone. "These are mine marks. They're symbols that the old timers left in mines. If we go straight, there is a smooth road ahead. It goes on to the hubward side of the mountain. If we turn left here, that symbol warns of danger, we're going down to the right, and that symbol indicates a tough road, but there is a friend on the road."

"Let's try it," sighed Nick. They've been on the road since before sunup and Nick has been so distracted with his inner turmoil since being stuck in an eagle's body that he can't concentrate on anything except his own inner confusion, and he is supposed to go sit on the emperor's throne. Maybe there is a friend he doesn't know about waiting to help him.

Axemir turned the wagon to the right at the intersection and he was right, the road was rough, it snaked left and right as it ascended an almost sheer cliff, it squeezed between boulders and more than once he had to back the wagon up to make a difficult turn. Eventually the road ended up at a big roundabout at the base of a basalt cliff face, thousands of black hexagonal basalt columns clustered together to make the cliff face in an almost dizzying array of Basalt majesty.

Nick stepped off the wagon and slowly approached the cliff face as if it drew him to it. Gaspode was going to hop down, but Axemir held him back and they watched their friend approach the wall of rock. Tens of thousands of hexagonal basalt columns faced Nick, and one column was gently glowing and called him to it.

"Back before time knew what to do with itself, it was said that the dwarven race knew magic, but that's not true," said Axemir softly to Gaspode. "Elves once ruled the discworld, and when they left the discworld, the dwarves moved into the buildings and mines the elves left abandoned."

"I thought elves lived in treehouses," said Gaspode.

"Those were the dropouts. They liked to build tree houses, chew on weeds, and play sad songs on stringed instruments that they thought would turn on skinny women."

Nick approached the basalt wall that stood 300 meters tall and he and the wall recognized each other. Axemir watched Nick with concern as he continued his tale, "The elves laughed and played in the mountains, and they bathed in the wild magic that covered the discworld. Here, on Bear Mountain lived the last elven community, the Mountain Ergonians, and here under this mountain they wrote their last book, the Vanemate Rasside Jõud."

Nick reached out to that one stone hexagonal column that glowed and he grabbed it and a familiar feeling overwhelmed him, a feeling that excited and enticed every wizard on the discworld, the feeling of raw magic flowing through him. While wizards live for this feeling, Nick is not a wizard, he is a witch, he just wants to nurse injured and sick people and animals back to health. The feeling that wizards loved actually scared him. A door slid open, and the feeling beckoned Nick, and he fought against it, stepping back from the opening in the cliff face until he realized that someone needed his help, it was Octavia that was wordlessly calling for his aid and he dashed into the opening.

"NICK!" howled Gaspode. "YOU DAMN IDIOT!" and he leaped off the wagon, raced across the roundabout, and dashed into the open door that Nick ran through. Axemir had to tie up the mule before he could follow his friends through the open door.

<><><><><>

Imperial Palace, Hunghung City, Agatea

Octavia was frozen with fear, the landowners realized that the security wasn't enough to protect her if they all decided to attack and they were slowly rising to their feet and the army was moving even slower to provide her with a clear shot to the library and make her escape. Octavia knew that she could wipe out every one of those people that faced her with the power within her, but that would ruin everything. The Agatean empire would collapse into chaos and thousands of innocent people would die. What would Nick do? He could solve this with his gentle ways.

Most important of all, if she used her magic, would it affect the baby she was carrying? She even worried about using "kitchen magic" to prepare means but that was a spell she cast on the cottage before she was pregnant. She refrained from using any magic at all until they understood the side effects better. Octavia tried to remain as calm as she could and she whispered to Granny, "Go with Ning, go I will distract them so you can leave."

"No," whispered the slim girl, "I will I stay with you mǔqīn. {mommy}"

"I'm here for you, my love," said a soft voice in Octavia's ear, a voice she was terrified that she would never hear again. "Stand tall and show the army you aren't afraid." And it appeared that Granny Weatherwax heard Nick's voice also because she stood as Octavia did and Lung Mist came to join them, standing tall in the face of a mob of angry men.

The moment that the three women and Lung Mist stood and Octavia put her arms around Granny and Ning, a sound filled the air, a sound only heard once before on the discworld, a sound that men on other worlds would say sounded like the cries of tens of thousands of teenage girls shrieking in excitement at the opening set of the current most popular boy band. The high pitched, a multi hue shriek that filled the library of Brazeneck College and terrified the wizards of the Sto plains a year ago now rattled the Agatean palace.

Then, with a bellow and a roar, Nick appeared in full Agatean dragon form. He was magnificent, thought Octavia. His golden body shone in the bright autumn sunlight that poured through the skylights, the light reflected and glinted off his golden scales and his solid gold saber teeth. The Agatean dragon is similar to the discworld Swamp Dragons the same way a sheep is similar to a wildfire. Both consume grass, but after that, the similarity ends. Swamp Dragons are tiny, coal eating lizards whose wings are mostly ornamental, but an Agatean dragon is huge and powerful and one flap of Nick's 24 karat wings would generate a wind gust that would blow the tables and landowners out of the huge football pitch sized palace throne room. The Agatean Golden Dragon was not a fire breathing lizard. He was a massive, winged, golden, fire breathing saber-tooth tiger, but Nick hasn't tried the fire part yet.

He dropped his jaw to roar at men that dare threaten Octavia and the bellow that escaped from that terrible maw shook everybody in the building except Octavia and Lung Mist. Granny was shocked and terrified, but she wasn't going to let these foreigners see that. The terrified landowners who a moment ago thought they were going to seat a new emperor on the throne were now scattering for the exits.

"Zuò!" {Sit!} Lung Mist roared, obviously enjoying the opportunity to verbally abuse the men that abused him for years. As the metallic golden dragon rumbled, a comically small wirehair terrier stood next to the dragon and shouted, "BARK! BLOODY BARK! BARK! ... LISTEN TO ME WHEN I'M BARKING AT YOU! BARK!"

Octavia walked carefully in her wooden sandals, her pregnant belly shown off by the tailored silk gown, her large round breasts larger than usual in preparation for their child. She walked to the dragon's enormous head, and she saw a tear coming from the dragon's one good eye. He didn't want to be angry, but he had to scare back the threat to his wife and child. His left eye was metallic gold, like the rest of his body, but Nick said that it worked better than a real eye. She reached up to brush the tear away, but she realized that he wasn't actually there. He was just an image, a loud, roaring, image. But he was real enough to terrify the landowners back in line.

Octavia whispered, "Thank you my love," and she pretended to give the gigantic dragon a kiss on the nose.

"I tried to come to you. I was worried," he whispered.

"This was absolutely perfect. Thank you so much... I can't wait to cuddle with my big golden kitty." Then in a loud voice, loud enough that all in the palace could hear her she said "Huí jiā," {Go home} and with a rumble Nick bowed his head and with one last show of his fangs he and Gaspode disappeared from the throne room.

For his part Lung Mist was overjoyed, three times the dragon has appeared in this palace, and three times the dragon has saved his life, and a young pregnant woman has shown the most powerful men and the poorest men in the empire that she controls the dragon. Soon, the news of this revelation would spread across the empire. All would know that a true emperor and empress ruled the Agatean Empire. For the first time in decades, Lung Mist felt good about working in the palace. He escorted the empress back to her throne and supported her as she sat down. Then he took his normal place and called the penitents to order.

Granny sat with Octavia and smiled at her with the pride a teacher shows when a progeny displays that she learned her lessons well. When Granny realized that the dragon wasn't real and it was a ruse to get their attention, she was proud of Octavia. The pregnant empress has powers undreamed of by the wizards of the discworld, but she chose not to use them even when it started to look like all was lost. "Now that's proper headology," said Granny, who was a big fan of scaring respect out of rude old men.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Bear Mountain, Creel Springs, Lancre

Axemir wanted to dash into the mountain opening after Nick and Gaspode and follow them, but the sound of screeching coming from the open doorway scared the mule, Dave and the fairies. The little flying naked women clung to Axemir's shoulders and whimpered in fear, their wings folded tight against their trembling, shapely little bodies. Axemir found a sack with a drawstring and a hole in the bottom that he pulled over Dave's head with his nose sticking out the hole in the bottom. He secured the bag with the drawstring and Dave calmed down. "Ok girls, let's go," said Axemir and he started walking toward the door in the mountain.

"I'm a boy," said one tiny voice.

Axemir walked across the open courtyard and stepped up to the open door and he found himself in the throne room of the Agatean emperor, he was on the side of the room next to the grand library that the previous emperor built, and next to him was Octavia's walking stick Virga and a terrified little boy. The golden knob at the top of Virga was now a large eyeball watching everything that was going on. "Who are you?" asked the little boy.

"I'm Axemir, a dwarf. Who are you?"

"See that lady? She's my mom."

"The empress?" Axemir teased.

"No, the pretty one!"

"The one with the pointy hat?"

"NO! I said the PRETTY ONE!"

"Oh, the cute one, why didn't you say that?" Axemir's teasing got the boy's mind off his fear for a moment.

"Is that dragon going to eat us?"

"No, he's the emperor, he might nibble on the empress a little." The little boy gave him a shocked look but Axemir said, "Don't worry, she'll like it."

Having soothed the small boy's nerves, the throne room began to fade and Axemir found that he was in a large, round room carved out of solid rock. It was well illuminated, but it was impossible to tell where the illumination was coming from. Nick and Gaspode stood in the middle of the room but they didn't cast any shadows, and the faint image of a huge Agatean style dragon surrounded Nick. It appeared to Axemir that a faint image of Octavia walked up to the faint image of the dragon and kissed its nose, then the faint image of the dragon became real and solid, as if it was pulled back here from thousands of miles away. It looked at Axemir and the little fairies squealed in terror, but the dragon faded away, leaving only Nick, who slumped to the ground and the red silk drapes completely faded away.

"That was neat!" cried one fairy.

"Do that again!" cried another, and the fairies started to flutter but they stayed near Axemir who dashed to Nick. He found that Nick was alive and breathing. He had just fainted. Axemir found a stool that looked like it was carved from rock and propped Nick's feet up on it to return the blood to his head. Then he sat down and waited while the fairies begged Gaspode for information.

When Nick woke up, he was lying on the floor, his feet propped up on a cube of stone, his head resting on a folded jacket. Gaspode was telling Axemir about how Octavia was almost attacked by the rich landowners of the Agatean empire, but he appeared and barked at them and scared them away.

"It happened," Nick said as he sat up. "He was a brave dog."

"Well... there was a dragon there, but he didn't do anything... ornamental, I guess," said Gaspode.

"Come here, you," said Nick and he petted Gaspode. "Yes, you were totally brave. Thank you for protecting Octavia."

"Lunch anyone?" asked Axemir and he sat down next to Nick and unpacked the canvas sack of sandwiches and apples that Nick packed before they left that morning "What's this bone for?"

"ME!" yelled Gaspode, and he leaped off Nick's lap and snatched the bone from Axemir's hand and dashed off to a corner to gnaw on his bone.

As Nick and Axemir ate their sandwiches, they watched the fairies flutter around the large warm room. "Annoying little bugs," Axemir finally muttered.

"You don't like them?" Nick asked.

"They get in the way," said Axemir.

"They're cute," said Nick as he sliced off tiny bits of his apple with a knife and gave them to the fairies. They looked like a person eating an enormous slice of watermelon when they ate the apple. "Are there any males?"

"Of course, there's males," said Axemir in astonishment. "One of them is a boy." The fairies must have heard Nick's question because they all started laughing in their high, squeaky voices.

"They all look like females to me," and Nick's assessment would be seconded by anyone unfamiliar with fairies. They all looked like sexy little human females, cute faces, large breasts, narrow waists, rounded hips and beautiful round asses, not a hint of hair anywhere but on their heads. They looked like little versions of Octavia to Nick. The three blond fairies started pointing at the brunette and began giggling.

"He thinks you're a girl," they taunted.

"The females are blond?"

"No, the males are brunette. The female's hair is anything but brown, and it changes color on a whim."

Nick smiled for the first time in a very long time. "You have to admit that's cute." He broke a chunk of cheese off the piece in the lunch sack and gave it to the male before Axemir could warn him not to do that. "What's wrong with cheese?"

"NEVER give a fairy cheese!"

"Why not?"

"Because now you're responsible for them. Now he's going to give a piece to his favorite female and they're going to be married and that's going to cause squabbles and..." but as they watched the male, he broke off three pieces and gave some cheese to all three females. "What a horny little bastard," grumbled Axemir.

The four fairies lined up in front of Nick and fluttered in line, smiling. "What do you want now?" asked Nick.

"Names!" said one female.

"Yeah, you have to name them now. It's part of the cheese ceremony," groaned Axemir.

"Boys first!" insisted the blonds.

Nick looked toward Axemir, and he agreed with the little blonds. "Males are kind of rare. Maybe one in eight is male, so the females prioritize them."

"Ok, ummm... I name you... Arthur."

The male frowned at Nick, then finally said, "Not a silly name!"

"Ok, umm..." and he thought of the manliest name he could think of. "Havelock."

"Not a silly name!" demanded all three girls.

"Ok, how about... Sundrop?"

This time there was an audible chime, and the name stuck and the three girls clustered around Sundrop and kissed him.

"Ok, you girls are going to have to remember your names, because I might forget, ok?"

"KAY!" they chimed eagerly and soon they were named Starbell, Moonpuff, and Applewhisp. Happy with their names, they munched on the apple that Nick sliced into tiny pieces for them and the cheese that Sundrop gave them.

"So, what happened yer grace?" asked Axemir. "I've seen you change, but I think being invisible isn't part of the deal." Being his closest and other than Octavia, Nick's only friend, "Your Grace" is never used, so Axemir was looking for a genuine answer and he wasn't going to let Nick tap dance around the subject.

"I don't know. I felt Octavia calling me the moment I opened the door. It's like this room was made for me or something. I knew I couldn't go to her, but I felt like I could let her see me and since she felt threatened and she was in the throne room and everyone in the throne room is afraid of me as a dragon, I let her see me as the dragon."

"And you figured that out in a few seconds?"

"If that long."

"That's why you're the duke and I'm not."

"No, I'm the duke because I did some truly stupid things. The king occasionally needs someone who will do truly stupid things for him."

"Like what? What did you do to make the king want to make you a duke?"

"Have you noticed those starry clouds in the night sky to the widdershins?"

"The nebula?"

"Nebula, yeah. I swam there. Not in this body, but I swam there. I had a mean character chasing after me and I left him there in the nebula."

"And for that, he made you a duke?"

"Well, no. Actually, he made me a duke mostly for coming back... and keeping you guys in line." The terror of being trapped in space, the breathing apparatus of the body he was in was plugged with dust, a terrifying beast just behind him ready to kill him... then there was a mountain full of dwarves that wanted to kill him... Nick needs a job he can do at home. "Let's look around this rock palace," said Nick, before he started screaming in terror.

They got up and found that whatever this was; it was big. Dozens of people could live comfortably in the series of rooms they found carved into the mountain. There was room after room after room, all built and all waiting for a purpose. And it wasn't dusty. It was as if there was a cleaning service that dusted and swept every day and as Nick entered a room, illumination from an unseen source came on. There was some furniture, tables and chairs, desks and benches, not a lot, but there was nothing to give Nick and Axemir a clue of what went on in there. There were no books, documents, or paintings on the walls. Maybe it was a shelter. There were no windows except up on the upper floors. Up there were windows they could look out of and, if needed, shoot out of as well.

"So how does it feel almost being a dad?" asked Axemir.

"It's exciting and scary and probably the greatest thing ever. Why are you and Eryri thinking of...?"

"Bite thy tongue, young duke!"

Chuckling, Nick studied the view out of one window. He could look down on the roundabout and the whole road up to this area. The road was narrow and winding. It would be impossible for a large military unit to travel in a large group. They couldn't bring battering rams or anything other than small carts like the one they rode up here in. He somehow got the feeling that this was built for him and Octavia, and Marlon, a place to hide.

Nick was getting the weirdest feeling from this place, especially as he examined a room with an arrow slit window. He opened a door in the room and it turned out to be a large closet. Closing the door, he thought, "this would make a good armory." He heard a noise inside and opened the door again to see that now the closet was full of bows, arrows, swords, maces... "Axemir! Come look at this!" when the dwarf entered the room, he looked into the closet and saw the collection weaponry. He lifted a long hafted battle axe from the collection. "Gods of Cori Celesti!" he gasped. "I haven't found a thing, and you find a treasure trove of weapons that you don't know how to use!"

"Watch this," Nick closed the door and thought, "This would make a perfect office to study in." When he opened the door, the armory was replaced by a desk and the walls were lined with bookshelves yet the Halberd remained in Axemir's hands.

"What did you do?" gasped Axemir.

"I didn't do anything but make a suggestion." Nick considered this castle, then said, "When I opened this place, you were talking about the Mountain Ergonians," said Nick.

"Well, yes. I was telling Gaspode an old dwarves tale, one we tell the young to get them to go to sleep."

"You once told me that dwarves were the best historians because you don't have active imaginations and you keep the details correct."

"Yes, so?"

"When you recited your old dwarves' tale, you mentioned the Vanemate Rasside Jõud."

"Yes, the last book of the Mountain Ergonian Elves, so what?"

Nick's hand was visibly trembling. "I've seen the Vanemate Rasside Jõud."

"Silly human, that book is dust by now. It's several millennia old. If it exists, it has been lost to history."

"No, Axe, I've held it. I looked at its pages. It was printed on a very odd vellum but bound like a paper book. Axemir, I repaired the binding, and I reapplied the gold leaf on the cover."

"That had to be a reprint or something..."

"I held it in my hands... a wizard was threatening Octavia while I was touching it and it transferred its power into me, that's how I can do this..." and with a flash Nick was standing over Axemir as a seven foot tall dingaroo, snarling and slavering. Axemir cocked back with the battle axe and with another flash, Nick became human again. "That's how I became the eagle, and the dragon."

"What in the name of all eight hells was that?" Axemir shrieked.

"That's a dingaroo. It was what was trying to eat Nick when Octavia fell in love with him," said Gaspode as he gave the fairies a doggy ride around the room.

The moment Gaspode said that, Nick felt a sudden urge to apologize to Octavia. He's been so lost and confused and he just hasn't been there for her while she has been carrying his child and carrying all his responsibilities. "We need to go back." Axemir and Gaspode agreed, but the mountain had one more secret to show them.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Imperial Palace, Hunghung City, Agatea

The curtains were drawn; the petitioners were leaving, and the empress had to pee. "Is there a toilet around here?" Octavia asked. Ning said something to her son Jia, who ran off, then came back holding an ornate enamel bucket, and he knelt in front of Octavia, holding the bucket for her. "No!"

"I'm sorry, your highness, is something wrong?" asked Ning.

"No, I'm not going to pee in a bucket in front of a little boy with all of you around!" She took the bucket from Jia's hands and took it behind the curtain where she crouched over the bucket and relieved herself in privacy. As she did that Jia looked up at his mother, his lower lip quivering.

"You didn't do anything wrong, honey; emperors are different from people. We just have to accept that." Soon Octavia came out from behind the curtain with the bucket and Ning told Jia "Now you may finish your job." Jia dashed up to Octavia and snatched the bucket out of her hand then ran off with it, then dashed back a moment later with a damp cloth to clean up with and a towel to dry her hands, then he dashed off to empty and wash out the bucket.

"What a sweet child he is. I hope Marlon is just as sweet," said Octavia with a sigh.

"Marlon?" asked Ning

"Oh, I mean," and she patted her tummy, "Ying Zhizi, Eagle Son." Nick and Octavia both have Agatean names also, Nick is Ying Long, Eagle Dragon, and Octavia is Ying Huanghou Eagle Queen. "We need your help. The emperor and I are going to rebuild the court, and since we are not familiar with their names, we would like your help."

"I..." Ning has no excuse. When she is not in the palace translating for Emperor Ying Long and Empress Ying Huanghou (Nick and Octavia's Agatean names) she has nothing to do other than care for Jia. She was originally brought into the court to care for Fu Ki after Emperor Shì Hai killed his wife, Fu Ki's mother, in a fit of anger. The brat emperor abused Ning. She was not allowed to discipline him; she spent her time cleaning up after the little brat suffering one indignity after another. He even threw his own feces at her.

After Fu Ki's sudden, horrible, and much appreciated death and Nick was told that he had inherited the Agatean empire, he hired Ning to stay on as Assistant Translator. It was no secret that Nick didn't trust anyone in the court, including the official translator Lung Mist, so it was Ning's job to translate what Lung Mist also translated. Usually, the translations were the same, but sometimes the difference was glairing and Ning and Lung Mist were sat down, and the difference was discussed. The difference normally was Lung Mist trying to avoid embarrassing the emperor.

Ning's shoulders dropped. She had no excuse. There was no way she could refuse the empress's request. "Yes, your highness. May we change clothes?"

"Yes, by all means, and bring a coat. It might be chilly."

"Chilly?" Ning was shocked. It has been quite warm, and the weather wizard said that the warm weather may last for several more weeks.

"Yes, Hánlěng. Trust me. Joining us for tea, Granny?"

"I wouldn't miss it."

Not long after, they stepped through the tight aisles of Nick and Octavia's bookstore. Ning and Jia looked around in amazement at the little store full of books and book related items. "How did we do Nanny?"

Nanny Ogg looked at the small hourglass and said, "About seven minutes."

"How many times did you turn that glass over?" demanded Granny Weatherwax. "We were in foreign parts for six, maybe seven hours! We even took a lunch break!"

"That's not possible. Look at the timer! She even put a spell on it to keep me from turning it over," insisted Nanny.

"Ladies!" called Octavia as she came out from the corner where she was changing. She was now wearing a simple gray frock that Ena McCrory gave her. "We did a little time travel. We left here at noon, got there at nine in the morning, did the business of the land until three, then came back here at noon."

"I don't approve of traveling in time," groused Granny Weatherwax. "Taint natural."

Ning was speechless. The Empress of the Agatean empire was dressed like a poor farm wife. Was this some ruse?

"Is the magic dog here?" asked Jia eagerly as he peered out through a dusty window.

"No, not yet, but he'll be here shortly. He's headed back with the duke." Octavia rubbed the excited boy's head, "we have bunnies, chickens, sheep, goats, and a mule. Would you like to see them?"

"Can we?" he asked his mother.

"I suppose," she sighed, and soon they were locking up the bookstore and heading up Main Street. Everything was wild and new to Jia. From the mill wheel turning to Trei, the blacksmith striking a rod of white hot iron, making sparks fly. Jia stood transfixed, fascinated, as he watched Trei convert the iron rod into a connecting rod for a wagon steering mechanism.

"Hey little fella, want to try hitting this?" Jia grinned and nodded wordlessly, so Trei held the iron rod steady as Jia lifted the hammer and hit the iron bar as hard as he could. "Well done, young sir! Another strike?" Again, Jia smiled and nodded and hit the iron rod again and again. By the time he was done, his thin arms ached, but his smile never faded. "A new student of yours, your grace?" asked Trei.

"I hope so if we earn his mother's approval. Ready to see the rabbits, Jia?"

Jia was ready to see everything. They crossed Main Street and stopped at the water mill for some freshly pressed apple cider. Only Granny and Nanny Ogg had ever tasted the delicious nectar before. The thick, rich, cloudy brown beverage was the most delicious drink any of them had ever tasted. After that, they walked up the long path through the woods to Nana Partridge's driveway, and Jia had never seen a forest before. He dashed among the trees and occasionally found the brook that flowed through the forest down to the mill pond. "I found a river!" he exclaimed breathlessly as he came dashing out of the trees, a bunch of leaves in one hand, a stick in the other. His playfulness reminded Octavia of Nick just months ago on their first trek up this driveway before they became duke and duchess.

Was that it? Was the King's proclamation that they were duke and duchess? What sent them on this path that set a wedge between them? Or was it Peregrine and Aegir Mining and their never-ending attacks on Nick? That had to be it. The Duke of Ankh, Sir Samuel Vimes, won't tell her what they did with Rifty Peregrine when they arrested him for trying to kill Nick and Octavia. They're afraid that Octavia may try to kill him. Which is silly. She'd never do that. She may disassemble him and reassemble his body in a new and creative way, but he'd still be alive... after a fashion.

As they got near the cottage and Jia dashed ahead and Eryri came out of the gatehouse to greet them, Octavia suddenly missed her Nick. It was like a sudden and all-encompassing case of homesickness. She missed his laugh, his smile, the way he could make an enormous problem go away simply by laughing it away. That's when Marlon wound up and gave her a solid kick in the kidney. It hit her so hard she doubled over in surprise more than pain. "Your highness!" gasped Ning. "Are you all right?"

Eryri was in the doorway of the gatehouse and saw Octavia double over and she dashed to her friend, her beard's twin braids flying, "Duchess!" the female dwarf cried in shock.

Now Octavia was embarrassed, "Oh... I was thinking of Nick and started feeling sorry for myself and the baby gave me a reminder that I'm not alone..." Then looking around in embarrassment she said, "I think I may have peed some."

"Jia did the same to me quite often," said Ning softly.

"Babies do that to us... my poor Lars... he danced on my insides so much," said Eryri, fighting back the tears for her son, lost in a mine collapse with his father.

"Boys are angels compared to their sisters," said Nanny Ogg. "Our Sarah left bruises on my insides from her kicks!"

As they approached the cottage, they found Jia lying on the ground, peering at the vegetable garden. "Shhh!" he warned, "There's people here!"

As they approached the garden, they could see several small people hoeing and weeding the garden. None of them stood over a foot tall. There were three struggling around with a carrot. They had it dug out around the base of the plant and were trying to pry it out of the ground, but it was stuck fast. Ning and Jia watched in fascination as the tiny characters industriously worked the garden. "Need a hand, Poppa?" asked Octavia.

"Aye, lassie," called a gnome. He was wearing a kilt and was smoking a pipe. "This moru is giving us dickens of a time."

"Let me try." Octavia grasped the carrot and gently eased it out of the ground. "That's a big one you found there."

"Aye! Eat it in health, me lady!"

"Do you have lots of these?" asked Jia as he reached out to try to touch a gnome who crouched to avoid the boy's touch.

"We don't have any of them," said Octavia. "They're friends that come to help and we share our crop with them."

"Can I have one?" asked Jia.

"No, you can't have one. They're people, just little," scolded his mother.

"They don't look like people, they look like him," said Jia, pointing to Eryri.

"He's a she," said Octavia, "just like your mom, except with a beard."

"And a pickaxe," said Eryri, taking a few swings with the pickaxe.

"She looks like Axemir, but his beard was better," said Jia with all the assurance of a world-weary six-year-old.

"You know Axemir?" Eryri asked.

"He was in the courtroom with the dragon. He said the dragon was going to eat the empress, but she was going to like it."

"WHAT?" demanded Octavia, not sure who she should slap, but a slap was in order.

"That sounds like Axemir," grumbled Eryri.

Jia stepped up to Eryri and squinted at her as he studied her face. "Your eyes!" His gaze went from face to face. He even dropped to the ground to look at the gnomes. "Everybody has..." now the lad was confused. He was used to everyone having dark brown to black almond-shaped eyes. Now he and his mom were the only ones with eyes like that. Jia stood up and stepped up to Eryri and found he was almost taller than her! He was so used to being the smallest person in the palace.

"Jia, this is Eryri, she's my friend and my head of security until Dexter and Bertie are healed up," said Octavia as she placed a gentle hand on Jia's shoulder.

"She? I'm taller than her!"

"I'm a dwarf!" said Eryri proudly, and she held out her pickaxe for Jia to hold. Jia grasped it eagerly, but when Eryri let go, gravity took over and almost pulled Jia into the dirt with it.

"It's heavy!" he gasped, "like Mr. Metzgar's hammer!"

Eryri laughed her rolling laugh and helped skinny little Jia sling the pickaxe over his shoulder like a true dwarf and said, "There's more to life than being tall, we dwarves have built some of the greatest cities on the disc, and all underground!"

"Mr. Axemir didn't have a pickaxe," said Jia as he almost fell over backward from the weight of the tool.

"Of course not, it's his day off," said Eryri with another rolling laugh.

"Come along Sir Jia, let's go meet the animals," said Octavia and she led them around back to the "Critter shed" where there were chickens, goats, sheep, a cow, and a hutch full of bunnies.

Jia found himself overwhelmed by the goats, they were aggressive and kept pushing him around, the cow was huge and scared him even though Miss Eryri sat down on a stool and placed a bucket under the cow and started milking it. The sheep were fascinating, they didn't seem to mind him, in fact they didn't seem to care that he was there, but the baby bunnies were the best part of Jia's petting zoo experience. Sadly, the empress made him put the baby bunny he was rubbing on his face back in the cage and said, "Come to the cottage porch, the emperor wants to meet you."

Pouting with disappointment Jia put the baby rabbit back and gave it a pat goodbye then sadly left his new friend and followed the pregnant farm girl/Duchess of a tiny Duchy, Empress of the richest empire on the disc to the porch and there was no emperor there. Just him, his mother, Octavia, two witches sitting at the table sipping tea, the weird walking stick, and the dwarf. "He's not here," said Jia with a pout.

"We're waiting for Axemir to put the mule away," said the female dwarf.

"Axemir is here too?" Jia was grinning from ear to ear.

"You like Axemir?" asked his surprised mother.

Jia nodded firmly. "He's funny. He taught me the dwarf's secret handshake and their secret greeting."

Ning and Octavia looked at Eryri, who just shrugged. She didn't know of a secret handshake. Shortly Axemir joined them, "I had to put Dave away... Hi ho little buddy!" Axemir held out a fist at waist height, facing Jia.

"Hi ho, mister Axemir!" said Jia happily, and he brought his tiny fist down on Axemir's extended fist three times, causing Eryri to start chuckling. The "secret handshake" was a game that dwarves played with their young miners, a symbol of their mining heritage. "Where's the emperor?" Jia whispered a little too loudly to Axemir, "we're the only men here."

His remark caused everyone to start laughing including Granny Weatherwax, who tried to hide her laugh. "You're a good man, Mister Jia," said Eryri. She didn't have the heart to tell him that dwarves are not men, and Jia is a few years short of wearing that title.

Finally, Axemir pointed out toward the pond and said, "Look out over the water. What do you see?"

"A bird."

"That's a Lancre Black Eagle, the symbol of this kingdom and the symbol of the Duchy of Wægn the land we are standing on," said Axemir. "Keep your eye on him."

"Why is he flying weird?" asked the boy.

Octavia stepped off the porch like she was hypnotized, "he's flying figure eights," she said to no one. She walked out past the garden and all the garden gnomes paused to watch as she waved to the eagle. Nick's words came back to her from the first time they made love as he traced his finger around her breasts in a figure eight.

"This is the figure eight, the number of perfection, the sign of Octavia, the sign of my love for you. It's the symbol of infinity, which is the length of time I will love you."

The eagle saw her and turned toward the cottage. He locked his wings and began gliding straight toward the cottage, then as it crossed over the pond one last time there was a flash of octarine, the color of magic, a color that only magical beings, like Nick and Octavia could see, and the eagle became a man who plunged down to the pond. Then there was another flash, and the man became an Agatean dragon, huge and powerful, shining gold wings glittering even in the cloudy early autumn day, his body a huge elongated Agatean sabertooth lion but with golden scales rather than hair. His head was covered with fine, soft hair, his foot long teeth glimmered when he opened his mouth, then suddenly a tongue of flame twenty feet long roared out of its mouth.

"Wow!" gasped Jia as the enormous dragon gently came to a landing in the meadow between the pond and the cottage. "Can I go see it, mom?"

"Ok," said Ning, but she didn't sound convinced of the safety of this idea.

"We'll go with you," said Eryri, so the four set out to see the dragon. Axemir and Eryri walked on either side of the Agatean mother and son as they approached Octavia, who was stroking the fur on the cheeks of her "big golden kitty."

"Is this the emperor?" asked Jia as they neared the immense beast.

"Yes he is," said Octavia. "Let him sniff you so he knows who you are."

The cat/dragon began to sniff Ning, then it sniffed her son. The dragon stopped in mid sniff then backed up a couple of steps, spread its wings, and bowed deeply.

"The dragon likes me!" said Jia with a laugh and he ran up to the dragon and began rubbing his hands through the soft golden hair on the dragon's right cheek. "Even one of his eyes is made of gold!"

Octavia gently stroked the bridge of the dragon's nose. "Ok darling, come back to us," said Octavia and with a flash the dragon became Nick. He was a bit dazed, coming out of a creature that big put him into shock the first time. This time was better because he expected it, but he was close to passing out. When his senses returned, he found Octavia holding him up and he saw a small boy bowing to him.

"Greetings, mister emperor," said the boy politely.

"Hello Jia," said Nick, returning Jia's bow. "Did you enjoy seeing that?" He started to slump. Standing up after the bow made him dizzy and Octavia caught him. Jia was a little dizzy himself, dizzy from the airshow he just saw. He was trying to recreate what he saw with his hands.

"You were an eagle, and you swooped around and around, then you became a man and you fell, 'oh noooo!' then you were the DRAGON!" he held his arms straight out and began running around in a big circle.

"Why did you bow to him?" Octavia asked as Jia was running around the meadow.

"I was returning his bow. It's being polite."

"No, when you were the dragon, after you sniffed Ning and Jia, then you backed up and you spread your wings and bowed to Jia."

Nick looked concerned and whispered softly, "About that... we need to talk."

"DOG!" Jia saw Gaspode and his excitement over seeing the dragon disappeared as he ran toward the cottage where Gaspode was drinking from a dish of water. Hearing a boy calling "Dog!" he looked up, saw Jia running toward him and suddenly Gaspode felt like a puppy again. It was time to play! They were soon running around the meadow chasing tossed sticks and barking at frogs.

"Gaspode, keep him busy right here where we can see him, ok buddy?"

"Ooo ot it!" said Gaspode around a stick he and Jia were tugging on.

Nick wrapped his arms around Octavia and whispered, "Please forgive me."

"Why? What's wrong?"

"You're carrying our baby and I haven't been here for you," said Nick, trying to hold back the tears. "Look, you're practically carrying me now." Which wasn't quite true, but she was supporting him as they returned to the cottage.

"We carry each other when we need the help," she whispered.

Nick's mind was awhirl with everything that went on in just the past couple of months since Octavia rescued him from the throne room. He needs to get his mind focused; the baby will be here soon and he's going to need a daddy. Octavia is going to need a husband, the people are going to need their witch back, and the king needs his duke, and now Agatea needs their emperor. "I didn't like being the dragon. It didn't want me there, and it was telling me I wasn't his emperor."

"How did you feel when you were in the eagle?"

"It felt like I could stay an eagle. Being the dragon felt alien. It was too much work to remain the Dragon. It was like the Dragon knew I wasn't Agatean and it was trying to kick me out of that body."

As they drew near the cottage, Nick regained his strength and his hold on Octavia was no longer a crutch. It was more tender. And then he said, "dear, I think we're in trouble again."

"It wouldn't be us if we weren't. What's wrong?"

He stopped her before they were within earshot of the cottage. "It wasn't me that bowed to Jia, it was the dragon. It bowed out of respect."

"Why?" Octavia was getting nervous.

"The future of the empire is on the line."

They finally made it to the cottage and joined the adults who sat around the table on the porch of the cottage dividing their time between watching Jia play for the first time in his life and listening to Nick. He started out by asking, "Ning, what is your family history?"

Ning looked embarrassed. Her hands twisted together in a knot on her lap and she stared into her lap, hoping the half-dozen people and dwarves would disappear. Finally, she said, "I come from the Hau Chung family."

"Your family held the throne for several centuries, didn't they?"

"Yes," her voice was small, terrified, but she didn't hold back. She was sure that she knew what was coming next. "Seven centuries that we know of some say, twelve centuries."

"Until the brat Emperor Fu Ki died, the throne was held by the Shì Pha family, wasn't it?" Nick had nothing nice to say about Fu Ki, the mad child emperor who had held him captive for months, but he held his anger. He was whispering, but he was insistent.

"Yes, they stole the throne and kept it for ninety-seven years and bled our country dry. They kept someone from the Hau Chung family close to the throne in servile positions to humiliate us and our entire clan. I am just the most recent."

Nick was torn. How to ask the next question without harming poor Ning, who looked like she was on the edge of a breakdown. He gestured to Octavia, Eryri, and Granny Weatherwax to move close to Ning as he moved a little farther away. He wanted them close to support her. "Jia is the son of the Hau Chung family, and he has Shì Pha blood also, doesn't he?"

Ning's face was an amazing series of emotions, sorrow and torment, but mostly shock. Trying to hold back the tears, she said very quietly, "how did you know?"

"I didn't know, but the dragon knows. He could smell Jia's heritage, he could smell the Hau Chung and the Shì Pha blood, he bowed to the rightful emperor."

Ning's head spun, she knew that Nick was right, but she didn't want it to be real. Yes, his being emperor would solve so many of their problems, like where their next meal would come from, and where to sleep next. She was paid almost nothing and many a night she fed Jia her food and went to bed hungry, always telling Jia, "I ate earlier." But her little boy would be lost to her. He would be swallowed up by that pit of hell called the throne. Visions filled her mind of sweet Jia succumbing to greed and power and becoming as bad as that monster Fu Ki, the brat emperor. Before she knew it, she was terrified of the death of her beloved son's soul and began weeping uncontrollably.

Out in the meadow, Jia and Gaspode played and ran, but Jia suddenly stopped running. His trouser legs were soaked up to the hips due to an unfortunate misjudgment of distance when jumping over the creek, but that didn't slow Jia down. This was his very first chance ever to be outside and be a boy. He wasn't going to waste the opportunity by weeping over wet shoes. However, a sound carried on the breeze from the cottage stopped him in his tracks.

Grateful for the break but not about to show weakness, Gaspode spit out the stick he was wrestling with Jia over and panted until he could talk normally again. "Getting tired there, kid? Did ol' Gaspode wear you out?"

"My mom is crying."

"Moms do that."

"She needs me, I can tell." The boy started walking back to the cottage and Gaspode could tell that there was a shift in the wind. Jia's boyhood had just started, and in a moment, it ended. Gaspode caught up with the slowly walking Jia because, as sometimes a mom needs her boy, a boy needs his dog.

On the porch Josh sat hating himself while Octavia, Nanny Ogg, and Eryri tried to comfort the emotionally shattered Ning. Soon the saddened Jia joined them and crawled up on his mother's lap while Gaspode sat next to Ning so the boy emperor could reach down and pet him for comfort.

Nick sat on the porch step watching the garden gnomes continue with their harvest, and as Jia slowly lost the energy to cry at the level her soul needed to purge the pain and fear. A shadow appeared next to Nick and a stern voice said, "walk with me."

"Yes ma'am," said Nick as he got up and brushed the dust off of himself and caught up with Granny Weatherwax, who started walking without waiting for him. When he finally caught up with the witch, she said, "You cannot hand an empire over to that lad and his mother."

"I didn't want this to happen," said Nick. His head was spinning, it was both aching and spinning free, threatening to pop off his shoulders. "I didn't want for any of this to happen. I just want to hold my wife and watch our baby grow. I want to be a husband and father, not an emperor, duke, witch. I can't even speak their language! I don't understand it. I've even tried to use magic the way Dad used magic to teach me to read. There's no way Agatean is too alien and complex! No wonder why the illiteracy rate is so high."

"So what would you do if you were king for a day?" asked Granny without looking down at him. {She is far taller than he is}

"I would demand that people be taught the Morporkian alphabet. I'd just give it a different name, like Agatean Lite, and make the government learn it so they could communicate with other countries."

"Well, Mister Worblehat-Stein, if a temporary king can do that, why can't the temporary emperor?"

It never occurred to Nick, or Octavia that being an emperor or empress carries some weight to it. They were settling squabbles and maintaining the status quo. He can tell somebody to do something, and it gets done. He doesn't have to worry about a polite way to ask, he can just tell people to do it, and it gets done. "I can do so much to improve the empire, but I have no idea how to get him ready for his duties."

"Who trains a prince to be king?" asked Granny.

"The king. I've heard Princess Esme and her brother complaining constantly about her father's indoctrination. I know what you're going to say. If a king can do that, why can't he also teach a future emperor?"

Granny smiled. She wasn't going to say that, but Nick would never discover it. But he did have a good idea. Before she could tell him what she was thinking, he dashed ahead of her and with a sudden flash of a color there was aneagle flapping its wings and heading rimward over Breeders Peak towards Granny's home in Lancre Town and the Palace. The nice thing about being a duke is that you can request an immediate appointment with the king and get it right away.

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Partridge Cottage, Creel Springs, Lancre

Sunrise at Nana Partridge's Cottage {Nick refuses to name the little mountain cottage Wægn Manor, that name is reserved for the redoubt he and Axemir explored} happens a bit earlier than most areas of Lancre this time of year because the slow silly sunlight of the disc prefers to ooze down the valley between Bear Mountain on the hubward side of the valley and Breeders Peak on the rimward side of the valley causing early dawns and warmer autumn temperatures than other portions of Lancre. It's called HowandaSummer and the warm temperatures make autumn harvest festivals just a bit more joyful than other areas of Lancre.

"Ok, is everybody dressed warmly?" asked Nick.

"It's hot here," complained Jia, then he turned his nose up at the little two wheeled Ralli cart that Nick wheeled out in front of the cottage. "What's that?" It looked like a box set on an axle with two large and fragile looking wheels.

"That must be the empress's cart," said Ning. "She told me about it last night."

"Other than clothes, it's the first anything we ever owned," said Octavia.

"We bought it with the first coins we ever earned," said Nick. "Ok young master, are you ready?"

"Ready for what?" asked the young boy.

"To pull! Tradition states that the youngest must pull the cart while us older people ride."

The cart that Jia once thought was tiny now looked huge to him. "I can't pull that!"

"Sure, you can. I've done it dozens of times. It's easy. I have pulled this cart over the entire duchy!"

Octavia gave Nick a withering look, "Honey, we will miss lunch with the K. I. N. G." Still weeks away from delivering their first child and she's learned to spell certain words when little ears are in the area.

"Ok, it's really simple, you just do this," and Nick stepped between the traces and suddenly a horse was waiting to be buckled into the cart.

Jia gasped. The man that could become a dragon impressed Jia by becoming a Black Mountain draft horse. Like the Lancre Mountain Walking Pony, Nick selected a breed that was larger and had a long, full blond mane and tail while having a dark brown coat. "Are you going to help me?" asked Octavia.

After receiving a nod from his mother, Jia, he happily helped Octavia with the buckles and reins and surreptitiously running his hands over the powerful horse. When they finished, they hopped on the cart and Jia sat between his mother and Octavia and they were on their way.

"Does he talk when he's a horse?" asked Jia.

"What would he say?" his mother asked.

"I could tell him what we did last night." Nick's voice gently eased into Octavia's mind, reminding her of the pleasures they quietly shared while Jia and Ning slept on a cot in their future nursery.

"Hush you!" said Octavia but unfortunately, she said it out loud. Luckily, they were pulling up to the guardhouse before Jia could ask who should hush because Eryri and Axemir stole his attention. The two dwarfs were standing waiting with a halberd at their sides. Behind them, the mule Dave stood strapped to a simple four-wheel cart.

"Are you ready, your grace?" asked Eryri. Today, her beard was done in a lovely French braid.

"Yes, we are," said Octavia, happy to be out on such a fine day.

"Then let us get underway!" The two dwarves climbed into Nick's buckboard wagon, that was loaded down with spoils of the harvest of Wægn Duchy. Bushels of vegetables, fruit, whole pumpkins, and smoked meat as a gift for the king. As soon as Eryri and Axemir were seated, they were off, Dave sadly leading the procession, pulling the wagon with their halberds set in their wagon mounts and swords at the ready. The dwarves were ready to protect their duke and duchess. They were followed by a regal-looking draft horse pulling a comically small cart with the duchess and two visitors from the Agatean Empire wearing typical Lancre autumn clothing.

In a short period of travel up the treelined road, they came to a familiar-looking rock, but this time, two watchmen wearing breastplate and helmet stepped out and cried "Ting!" The wagon and cart came to a halt. Ting was a duress code developed by Nick and the Dwarves. It means "Halt" in Agatean, so it should not be terrifying for Ning and Jia. They hear it a dozen times a day as they move through the Agatean palace. But to the dwarves and the Duke and Duchess, it meant danger ahead.

The watchmen approached the wagon and, as one inspected Dave, the other checked the Dwarves' ID cards and whispered to them. Once they finished with the wagon, the two guards came to the Ralli cart. "Good afternoon, sir," said Alfie, the first thief that ever dared to rob the duke. "May I see your ID cards?"

"What's going on?" asked Octavia as she handed Alfie two common playing cards. Since they captured Alfie and Carl, then hired them, the bandits never failed to call Octavia "Your Grace." This time he called her Sir and the normal chat and small talk with them, their first real friends, was nonexistent.

Alfie studied the two cards, then palmed them and handed her two different cards. The cards he returned said in small letters, "Armed force looking for Duke, half a mile ahead, watching us, disguise yourself." Alfie cleared his throat and said, "Nothing out of the ordinary, sir."

"Sir?" Ning almost shouted.

Octavia grabbed her wrist and began to speak in poor Agatean, "Granddaughter, we must be kind to our protectors as we visit their land."

Ning looked again at Octavia, who was now a very elderly and a bit portly Agatean gentleman, bald, bearded, with wrinkled skin and merry almond-shaped eyes. "Grandfather?" then realizing what had happened, she smiled and softly said in Agatean, "Yes, forgive me grandfather."

"Grandfather?" asked a confused little boy.

"Stay brave, great grandson," said the now ancient Octavia. As Dave and the Dwarves moved out and Carl finished whispering in the Nick's ear, the ancient Agatean tapped the horse with the long buggy whip, and they were off and heading uphill. Soon the road began to double back on itself as it snaked uphill, trying to crest Breeders Peak Pass. They wound uphill with several switchbacks and when they reached a flat area of the road, the horse stopped and began to shake its head, refusing to move.

"Ok, everyone off," said Octavia, now her young pregnant self again. They got off the cart and she and Axemir held on to the traces as the horse became Nick in a flash. He dashed over to the side of the road and peered down and there, far below them, hidden on the side of the road that they just traveled, were a dozen armed troops lying in wait.

"Is this your land, your grace?" asked Axemir.

"It is," said Nick with a growl, "All the way to the top of this hill." He turned around and looked at a scared young boy. "Hey Jia, would you like to see a really big bird?"

Jia smiled and said, "Yeah!" breathlessly.

"Ok, watch this!" Nick stood and held his arms out and fell forward over the edge of the cliff and suddenly he was a really big bird. Actually, he was a really huge terror of the rimward skies, the rok. Imagine a bird three times larger than a full-grown emu. That's not large enough, think bigger. It had a long neck with a big heavy head armed with a sharp beak that was filled with even sharper teeth. Its legs were tucked into the body, which was amazing considering how long they were, and the tail trailed behind. Occasionally the tail would open to help slow down its flight, or maybe he was just showing off, but it was brightly colored and decorated with dozens of red, white, and blue roundels. The most impressive part was the wings, they were incredibly huge, the overall wingspan had to exceed 25 feet from tip feather to tip feather.

"That showoff," said Octavia with a chuckle as those huge wings caught the updraft and lifted him higher and higher. Soon as it was over the troops laying in the ditch, it dove. If the troops arrayed on the ground noticed the massive bird, the thing they saw most was those awful teeth in the wide-open beak. The thing they never imagined was the huge rocks clenched in its massive talons. The bird released the rocks at the last moment, then pulled out of his suicidal dive, shooting out into the valley at breakneck speed.

The rocks struck the edge of the road spraying the hiding troops with rocks and gravel, before careening into their formation. The troops scattered, running downhill, tripping and falling, and never noticing that one of their midst disappeared. The bird scooped him up as he bounced down the incline and flew off with the screaming soldier.

"Blimey!" cried Alfie as they watched the trapped prisoner being carried higher and higher.

"The old stories said they could carry off cows," said Carl as he watched the rok circle overhead in a figure eight, still holding a panicked soldier.

"They never said a cow. They always said cows," agreed Alfie while he bound the wrists of the leader of the attackers. "Follow me fella, we're going to introduce you to the Duke of Wægn," and they began hiking up the hill to where the wagon was parked.

Nick dropped the soldier on the ground behind the buckboard wagon, and the soldier screamed in fear the whole time that Axemir tied him up. "That damn bird!" shrieked the soldier. "They told me that they were gone! They don't live here anymore! They all live out on the rim!"

"I think you're right," said Nick as he crouched down to inspect the soldier, "but I found one who likes to do me favors." The dwarves grabbed the trussed-up soldier and sat him up on the back of the buckboard wagon as Octavia took Nick into her arms.

"You were so bold," she whispered as their lips met. "I love it when you come back safe and nobody gets hurt" They kissed deep as the baby rolled gently in her belly, maybe to let dad know he was happy too. "Now stop doing that!" huffed Octavia as their kiss broke. "You're getting careless."

"Oi! No one gets hurt? I spoiled myself!" complained the prisoner.

Octavia held open her hand and suddenly Virga, her wizarding staff, appeared from under the cargo that was on the buckboard. Virga was now a hefty stick covered with many mysterious carvings that slithered around the stick. At the top, a softball size knob that could be wood or a precious metal depending on how the light struck it. Made of sapient pearwood, this walking stick could walk with the little feet that sprout from the end. The enchantress stood Virga in front of the prisoner and said, "Virga, keep an eye on him."

The knob at the end of the stick opened and became an eye. The white of the eye was ivory, the iris was deep blue lapis lazuli, and the pupil was anthracite black. It glared at the prisoner as Nick drew Octavia away. "What are we going to do with him?" she asked.

"I don't know," said Nick. "How does one handle warfare? I don't do war. Let's take him to the king and let his highness sort it out."

"I agree," said Octavia and as they turned, they saw Alfie and Carl leading another soldier up the hill.

"We caught the leader of the lot of 'em," said Alfie proudly.

"How do you know he was the leader?" asked Nick.

Carl shoved the soldier forward and said, "He held the purse to reward whatever one killed the duke."

Octavia's blood suddenly went cold. Someone was trying to kill Nick, someone knew he was coming up the road today. She seethed as Alfie and Carl trussed the second soldier on the back of the buckboard with the soldier that Nick caught. Then Axemir and Eryri approached and said, "If there's this bunch, there may be more ahead."

Nick looked up the road, once so familiar and now treacherous. He said, "I don't think so. We'll be in Lancre Township soon. That's fully the king's territory. That means an assault on the king. I believe whoever set up the ambush wants me and not the king. Let's get going."

Alfie and Carl returned to the cottage while the rest resumed their trip to Lancre Town. The trip seemed to take forever. Every noise was a potential assailant and now Nick realized he had made a big mistake by pulling the Ralli cart. It has no brakes and if he had to change bodies, it could flip over or roll downhill. As they finished the climb over the summit and were into Lancre Township territory, they felt like they could breathe a sigh of relief.

Ning turned to Octavia and asked, "Did you really become my grandfather?"

"No, I could have, but that would have hurt the baby. It's hard to explain, but I made a mask around me that looked like your memories of your grandfather. If you had touched me, it would have popped like a soap bubble.

"Can you change shape like the emperor changes into a horse?"

"I probably could if I tried, but I use a very different magic than the emperor. I don't want to harm the baby, so I do minor magic." Octavia pulled a pigeon out of her sleeve, causing Jia to gasp and let it fly away. "Magic like that."

As they traveled, the walking stick walked behind the buckboard wagon. The Eye of Knute atop the stick glared unceasingly at the two trussed up soldiers. At first, they weren't scared of it, but soon they were truly scared, and in time they confessed to every crime and sin they ever committed and offered to make up some more if the damn thing would just blink! The infernal staring was driving them crazy.

Eventually, they crossed through the portcullis and stopped at the castle entrance. As they pulled up, Axemir called "Ho! We bear gifts for the king!"

"What did you bring?" asked Sean Ogg, the head of the guard.

"Fruit, vegetables, meat for the larder, and two conspirators for the dungeon."

Sean eyed the two soldiers and said, "What did they do?"

"We tried to kill the duke, we did. Just make that stick go away!" shrieked the leader of the conspiracy.

"Wot, Virga? She's an old friend of the palace, aren't cha girl?" as Sean talked to Virga, Octavia came and claimed her walking stick.

"These two mercenaries were operating on Lancre soil intending to kill the Duke of Wægn," said Octavia. "I'm sure you'll find them willing to talk about how they ended up in Wægn under arms."

Nick finally arrived. He had to stay with the Ralli cart all the way to the stable before changing into human form. "Are you ready, buddy?" Nick asked Jia. "You're going to meet the king."

"Is a king like an emperor?" asked the little boy.

"In some ways, even better! They have princes and dukes and barons to help the king get all his work done," said Nick. The herald led them through the castle, Harold Lorechestershire who seemed to be overjoyed to have foreign visitors.

Harold pointed out each room they passed in the castle as they walked through the large old structure, describing many of the paintings and explained the different suits of armor. As they reached the main dining room Harold stepped inside, stood at attention, and called "Your highness may I present their grace, the Duke and Duchess of Wægn, Pommeraie de la Montesquieu and Octavia Worblehat-Stein. May I also present the Princess Ning Hau Chung and her son the crown prince Jia Hau Chung of the Agatean empire."

The King and Queen of Lancre were on their feet greeting their guests, Queen Magrat cooing over Octavia's growing belly and King Verance shaking hands with Jia. "My, what a grand-looking lad. How old is he now?"

"He's seven, your majesty," said Ning.

Verance was taken back a bit. For seven years of age, Jia was tiny, but in a country ravaged by famine, tiny children were the norm. Being able to eat at the palace, Jia was a little larger than other Agatean seven-year-olds. "Why are we laughing, little one? Do I amuse you?"

"No, your highness, I'm not a prince."

"Well, if you stay with us for a while, we can teach you how to be one. How does that sound?"

Jia clung to his mother and said softly, "I'll think about it."

Just then, another boy appeared, larger and huskier than Jia. Queen Magrat said, "Prince Jia, this is my son Prince Exavier. You two are about the same age. Would you like to spend the day together?"

Both boys nodded eagerly. Then Exavier said, "Come on!" and off they ran into the depths of the castle. Ning gasped but didn't call Jia back. It was the first time in his life he had run off on her and something very precious deep down inside hurt.

Magrat placed a motherly hand on Ning's shoulder and whispered, "It's ok, Exavier is a good boy, he will have Prince Jia back in time for lunch. And true to her word, the boys were back a few moments after the bell for lunch rang, out of breath and full of stories of everything they saw and did.

During lunch Nick and Octavia outlined what they wanted to do with the Duchy of Wægn, but filling in for the emperor was taking some time. "We're trying to find trustworthy advisors for Ning, then build up some enthusiasm for a return to Hau Chung rule."

"That shouldn't be a problem," said Ning. "famines were fewer then. I worry about his current employment becoming a point of ridicule."

"Current employment?" The king looked perplexed.

Nick shrugged because he had never seen such a thing before, and neither had Octavia. "He would hold a bucket and..."

"Oh! A piss boy!" said the king. "I haven't seen one of those since my grandfather ruled this kingdom. Many places still use that institution. It shouldn't be a point of ridicule. Many leaders started that way, and many secrets were overheard by the lads."

"Where are the soldiers?" asked Jia unexpectedly.

"Axemir and Eryri? They went into town to visit with some friends. Once their cart is empty, they'll take it and Dave home," replied Nick.

"No, the other soldiers," insisted Jia. "The ones we found on the road, the one the bird caught."

The King and Queen looked questioningly at Nick. A soldier on the road does not bode well for Lancre. Guards and watchmen were modeled on Ankh-Morpork's Night Watch and wear a chest plate and helmet but carry no arms other than a truncheon. "Did he confuse a watchman with a soldier?"

"Your majesty, these were armed soldiers, mercenaries I believe," answered Nick.

"We were warned that they were lying in wait for the duke, so we disguised ourselves and rode past them, then Nick went back and scattered them," said Octavia.

"I convinced two of them to come here with us and explain what they were doing laying on the side of a mountain road with full armor, swords and shields," added Nick.

"It's so cute how they finish each other's sentences," sighed Queen Magrat. "But armed soldiers inside our borders raise questions..."

"I'm sure Mister Morose will provide some answers for us," said King Verance, finishing his queen's sentence. King Verance tries to be a kind, caring king, unfortunately certain situations require a more "old school" form of governance, which is why Mister Morose exists. The words "I don't know" and "I don't remember" don't exist when Mister Morose starts to reveal his instruments. He's willing to cut the truth out of the prisoner and hold it up for the prisoner to look at and has done so on many occasions.

Octavia wanted to tear that information out of their heads all the way to the castle. However, she allowed Virga to "soften them up" filling their heads with the desire to tell the truth when asked by the kingdom's questioner.

They decided that Ning and Jia were to remain at the castle and become acquainted with the life of royals outside of the Agatean Palace. Jia was enrolled in classes with Exavier and if he did a good job in class, he could come down to Wægn Manor and play with Gaspode. As Nick and Octavia walked out to the carriage house to get Octavia's Ralli cart, Ning followed at Nick's request. "Ning honey," said Octavia, "We need a prime minister."

"What is that?" she asked.

"In other governments, they're like the assistant king. They fill in for the king when the king is otherwise engaged," said Nick. "A Prime Minister is allowed by the constitution and with our case having to come back and forth between kingdoms, a prime minister would come in handy."

"Almost all countries do it," said Octavia, "the Shì Pha dynasty didn't use it, but your family, the Hau Chung's did."

Ning smiled and said, "I will draw up a list of potential candidates for you."

"Put your name on the top of the list," said Nick. "No one else knows the seat of power like you and Lung Mist do," and saying that, he suddenly became a horse to pull the cart home.

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Creel Springs, Lancre

The sign on the door of the Nick and Octavia's bookstore said, "Thee Wytch is IN" and even though it was a dark and stormy day, Nick was on an appointment at the Taggart farm. Grandma Taggart was close to passing on, and she wanted a witch there to comfort her and her family. Octavia sat in the bookstore studying a translated copy of the Agatean constitution. She was looking for the legality of turning the throne over to Jia as soon as he could run the country.

The clouds got darker, and it was getting harder to read, and Octavia sighed. She was going to have to get out the crystal lantern. The crystal lantern contains two magically charged crystals and you turn a knob to bring them closer to each other. The magical fields interact with each other and produce light. The closer the crystals, the brighter the light, however it was a jittery purple light, and it also creates a ringing sound that causes headaches and homicidal tendencies, but it's safe for the books.

Just as she reached for the lantern, the surrounding area got brighter and it was easier to read. Soon an autumn storm broke outside and it got even darker, but the little pool of light that Octavia was sitting in got brighter. Turning her head, Octavia realized that the source of the light was sitting on her shoulder. "Studying Agatean politics?" said a tiny voice in her right ear.

"This is a pretty poor translation," said a voice in her left ear.

Octavia twisted her neck around and saw that she had a fairy sitting on each shoulder. "Who are you two, and what are you doing here?"

"I'm Starbell," said the fairy on her left shoulder.

"I'm Moonpuff," said the fairy on her right shoulder. "The duke hired us to light up the bookstore."

"Did the duke name you also?" asked Octavia.

"Uh huh!"

"He's so dreamy..."

"I know," said Octavia more sternly than needed. "I married him."

"Duchess? The baby!" cried four tiny voices and suddenly Octavia had four fairies fluttering around her stomach, chattering to the baby in her womb.

"Stop!" cried Octavia, "you're scaring him! I can feel him shaking in me."

"He is laughing!" cried Starbell.

"He thinks we're funny," said Sundrop, the brunette male.

"Let him rest," Octavia insisted. The fairies stopped chattering and started singing and soon the baby had calmed down inside of Octavia who sighed, "thank you."

"Why are you reading this?" asked Starbell as she examined the document.

"I'm trying to find a way to appoint a prime minister."

"It's not in this version of their constitution, this is from the Shì Pha dynasty... they didn't like Prime Ministers. They used evil Grand Viziers."

"Evil, evil, evil!" agreed Moonpuff

"Damnit," Octavia muttered under her breath.

"Besides, they did not ratify this constitution. That's what the top line says in Agatean."

"How do you fairies know how to read Agatean?"

"Because you need us to."

Octavia jumped up and turned the sign around on the door to read "No Wytches Here." She rolled up the document and said, "I'll be back shortly. Tell Nick to wait for me." She dashed into the library stacks to talk to Lung Mist.

"Should have told her about Nick's book," said Moonpuff, who now had neon green hair. "He needs his book."

It looked like the first snows of winter were getting ready to sputter, but the dark clouds didn't release anything but a few moments of icy rain. Trei Metzgar finished erecting the shed over the forge and anvil before the winter weather set in. As he worked, he saw a large white owl land on the bookstore roof, then sat there for a while. It looked like it was having an internal argument. It was twitching and twisting, then reluctantly it spread its wings and glided to the ground where it returned to twitching and twisting then suddenly it became Nick who fell over on his back.

"Yer grace!" shouted Trei as he ran to help a sprawled Nick get up. "Are you ok, your grace?"

"This power I got from the elves," said Nick as he gasped for breath when he stood up. "Lately I can get into an animal, but getting out has been difficult. The last smooth transition was the rok I did a few days ago."

"If you don't mind my saying, your grace, but this is the animal we need you to be."

"I may end up buying a proper horse," frowned Nick. Another expense they hadn't counted on. Those sheets that Octavia got were a godsend, but a horse is going to eat up any savings they got from that windfall and more. Nick noticed that Octavia was waving at him from inside the bookstore so he thanked Trei and went in to talk to her about this magical issue. Maybe she could fix it.

"Look what I found!" Octavia was excited and out of breath as she started to unroll a large handwritten document. "The real constitution in Morporkian! Remember, we couldn't find provisions for a Prime Minister or letting advisors live for more than a year? That's because it was the wrong constitution."

"What do you mean wrong constitution?"

"We were looking at the constitution drawn up by the Shì Pha dynasty. They did not ratify it. They used it illegally for over ninety years."

"So, this is the original?" asked Nick.

"Drawn up at the dawn of the Hau Chung dynasty," said Octavia, nodding brightly.

"That is incredible!" said Nick. "You truly are a super librarian."

"Your little friends pointed that out. They know a lot about the Agatean empire. By the way, how did," her voice softened respectfully, "how did Grandma Taggart fare?"

Nick sighed and said, "She was in a lot of pain. She was sure it was the end. The family was getting ready to bicker, then I checked her abdomen and said the magic words, 'When was your last bowel movement?' and she said two or three weeks ago. I loaded her up with a potion Nanny Ogg gave me and one tremendous bowel movement later, she's good for a few more family gatherings."

After a lot of laughter and kisses, they decided to pack up the fairies and study the document in their cottage and make plans. The fairies have a little traveling cottage all of their own {a small box with a couple of windows cut in the sides} so they packed up the fairies and documents then stepped outside and stepped between the traces of Octavia's Ralli cart and without a second thought transformed into a Ramtops walking pony and Octavia quickly buckled him in.

Soon Nick was trotting to the cottage, barely noticing Octavia's tugs on the reins. They were halfway to the cottage when Nick realized that, out of habit, he had changed into a horse. "Oh no," he gasped, and his thoughts rang in Octavia's mind.

"What's the matter, honey?"

"It's wrong, something is wrong!" Nick trotted up to the cottage and went past the porch, ignoring Octavia's tug on the reins. They stopped at the shed out back and Octavia heard Nick's voice in her head saying, "I can't do it, I can't get out."

"Nick, baby, what's wrong?" Octavia stroked the horse's withers as it started to twitch and kick a little, but Nick was starting to panic. He spent months trapped in an eagle's body and eventually decided to starve to death to escape that nightmare, and now it's happening all over again. Octavia hurried to unfasten the belts and soon the horse was free from the cart, but Nick's voice kept saying, "I can't do it!" Octavia tried to reach out to Nick with her magic, but his magic was so different, so ancient, it would take her weeks to understand how it worked.

The horse got more hysterical and began kicking and its last kick hit her Ralli cart. "Hey! That's my cart!" shouted Octavia, and she gave the horse a hard swat on the rump and suddenly it was gone, and Nick was laying in the straw panting and shaking.

"Nick needs his book," a tiny voice said from the box.

"I'm sorry," said Nick, shuddering in the straw. "I forgot, I was thinking of that constitution, and I wanted to get you home." Octavia helped him to his feet, and he told her how after the dragon bowed to Jia it was getting a little harder each time to get out of the animal's body.

"Papa needs his book," said a fairy in the box. "He needs it in his castle."

"What castle? And what book?"

"Axemir, Gaspode and I found a complex that we think was built by the Mountain Ergonian Elves. They wrote the book about their power, the Vanemate Rasside Jõud." He lifted the box and looked in on the fairies. "Are you saying that I should move the book to the castle?" The fairies all nodded in unison. "And that will fix me?" this time the fairies nodded, but not as enthusiastically. "How do you know this?"

"You got the magic from the book; you get the magic fixed from the book." Sometimes fairies know things.

"That castle sent me to the Agatean throne room," said Gaspode from the porch.

Octavia looked at him oddly, then at Nick, who said, "As soon as I opened the castle I felt your call and saw the throne room. I could see you and how scared you were and as I walked into the castle, I decided to show them a dragon."

"Why didn't you tell me about this?" asked Octavia.

"We've been busy with real people, real problems. That old thing isn't going anywhere." They entered the cottage and Nick sat at the table and Octavia gave him a hot bowl of stew, then sat down next to him with a bowl of her own. "How come the stew that you make with magic tastes better than the stew I worry over for five hours?"

Octavia just smiled and said, "because I made it."

Nick looked around, then placed his hand over hers and said, "When was the last time it was just you and me?" It was true, they always had someone there with them, one of their reformed crooks like Alfie or Carl, or the dwarven love birds, Axemir and Eryri. There was always somebody there.

"It's kind of nice, just the three of us here for dinner," said Gaspode, looking up from his bowl.

"ESSS!" agreed the house gargoyle Gula from her position on the chimney as the house fairies fluttered around her.

"Where is the book?" asked Octavia.

"It's in Brazeneck College. I figure I'll just L-Space over there and check it out."

"Ummm... there's a problem with that..." said Octavia, blushing with embarrassment.

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Slice, Lancre

Slice is more of a concept rather than a village; it lies within the borders of Lancre in a deep forested cleft in the mountains far out of the reach of inquiring minds. Slice contains the exact location between the original Rock and the first Hard Place, and the Place Where the Sun Does Not Shine is there in Slice. It also contains The Dancers. These are eight stones arranged in a circle, each stone being approximately man's height and none being any bigger around than a fat man. Each stone is made of Thunder Iron and all look like they were melted into what they look like now. It is said that they created a gateway that the Elves used to leave the discworld.

In the center of the circle crackled a small fire and around it, several women gathered. All were wearing black, with black shawls and black wide brimmed pointed hats. Each carried a broom as a conveyance and a symbol of office. "What are we going to do about him?" cackled one witch.

"Do? What is there to do?" cackled another. "We're not a guild, we don't charge dues, he's done nothing wrong."

"He's a HE and HE claims to be a witch!" screeched the eldest.

"That magic he practices!" cried a young witch. "He turns into other creatures. He doesn't borrow like a proper witch, mind you, but he changes shape!"

"He's got a DOG for a familiar!" shrieked a witch who was disgusted with the idea.

"His broom has no bristles, and he SHARES it with a WIZARD!" screamed an old hag whose broom had few bristles itself.

"As if the broom's not bad enough 'e shares 'is BED WITH A WIZARD!" squawked a witch and with a "Whoomp!" the flames in the fire leaped up ten feet in the air at her words, brightening the faces of everyone there.

"Cleena, honey, could you stand back from the fire when you're pontificating with a cup of your 'special' tea?"

"I'll tell you what we're going to do about him!" boomed one of the younger witches. "We're going to support him. We're going to help him just like any other witch."

"Matilda Potts, have you lost your senses?" asked Agnes Dempsey, the oldest witch at the gathering.

"The second child he ever birthed was a pair of twins and one was stillborn, and he brought it back to living!" shouted Matilda. "And none of us has yet to thank him for that child!" Witches believe that all children in Lancre are their responsibility and saving one like that is the greatest gift a witch can give to their sisterhood.

"Where was he when Mortimer Pick fell down and broke his ankle?" demanded a witch in the shadows.

"Mortimer Pick lives here in Slice. Where were you, sister?" continued Matilda. "That male witch paid the taxes of every family in Tallywiffle county out of his own pocket so everyone could have some money for Hogswatch this year."

The circle was silent for a long time, then a small voice spoke up. "He handed Granny McAlister's girl a gemstone when she had her first child, a naggate. Pure green it was, as green as her baby's eyes," said Sabia Gulch.

"He kept those dwarves from gutting Bear Mountain," said Derdrui Wintersmith.

"He teaches readin' and writin' at his bookstore, a penny a lesson I hear," said a Agrona Knith.

"He invented Messenger Candles for his expectin' wimmin," said Neas Forelock, a senior witch. "If she needs him, she lights the candle. The other end of that candle is in Nana Partridge's cottage and it lights up, letting him know he's needed, and he heads out."

"When needed, he doesn't lollygag along," said Agnes Dempsey, who was demanding his head moments ago, "he changes to a racehorse, or a falcon and he's there in moments."

"Most important, he makes her happy," said Matilda Potts softly. "The last time her rage was up, she launched fire balls from the top o' Bear mountain and hit Pseudopolis she did. They say she hit the throne room in Hunghung in the Agatean Empire, fired from right over there. What's gonna happen the next time her rage is up? Only he calms her, only he can save us. We need to give him our support."

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Brazeneck College, Pseudopolis

Nick led the way through L-Space to Brazeneck College. In his hand was Virga who was lighting the path ahead of them, and behind him, clutching his hand, was Octavia. They entered the bookstore connection to L-Space at 6:30 PM and when they got to the last turn to enter Brazeneck College it was 2:00 AM. It's not a long journey, maybe fifteen minutes at the most, but the trip via the time and space warping power of the collected knowledge, known as L-Space, took an interesting turn that evening, they traveled through space and time. And when they got to the Brazeneck College library, Nick found the passage blocked. A large bookcase was turned sideways in the aisle, and it appeared to be cemented in place.

"Can you... unglue this bookcase?" whispered Nick.

"I don't think so, I was pretty angry when I did that."

"YOU did that?"

Octavia nodded sadly, indicating that she did. When she found out a student of Brazeneck college captured Nick and sold him to the Agatean emperor, Octavia turned the bookcase sideways, then cemented it in position, so Brazeneck College could no longer access L-Space. The impressive part is that she did it from a mountain top well over one hundred miles away. They looked up and saw a very inferior repair to the ceiling directly above this bookcase. "I didn't do that patch though," she said. Octavia held Virga up and pointed it at the base of the bookcase and a ray of light shot out from Virga's eyeball. The cement churned and moved a little but did nothing else.

"Anything?" asked Nick, hoping the shelf would turn.

"Nothing," said Octavia sadly.

"We had the power of an entire mountain assisting us when we sealed this passage," Virga reminded Octavia.

"Well, can I shoot a hole through the bookcase without getting caught?" He aimed Virga at the bookcase and looked hopefully at his wife. Octavia gave him a withering look, so Nick said, "I'll just do it the hard way," and he began climbing up the shelves of books like a ladder. The top of the bookcase was a good four feet from the ceiling, so he slid across the top, climbed down the other side, and entered the Brazeneck College Library.

All was dark and silent in the library, but many of the books recognized him and started to applaud a welcome in thanks for all the work he did here a year ago. "Thanks guys but shhhh!" and he went looking for Vanemate Rasside Jõud, the Power of the Elder Races, with Virga lighting the way.

He looked it up in the card catalogue. The book was still listed in the catalogue, but it wasn't in its shelf location. He went up to the main desk, and it wasn't in the stacks of returned books that hadn't been shelved yet. In desperation, he went into the breakroom to see if it was being used as a coffee trivet like some of their other books and thankfully it wasn't there. He finally stopped in the bindery, a place where he spent a couple of months learning his trade and there it was, still in the binder's clamp where he left it nearly a year ago.

He released it from the clamp and the book fluttered in his arms, happy to be held by the only human who cared about it. The gold leaf that Nick repaired on the leather cover gleamed, and the original vellum looked fresh. Looking through the pages, he still couldn't understand a single character in the book. He went to the card catalogue and filled out a transfer card showing that Vanemate Rasside Jõud was transferred permanently to Library L579935, placed it in the catalogue, took the original catalogue card and put it in the book's pocket then headed out.

"Ok, let's put this in its new forever home," said Nick happily as he climbed off the bookcase.

"Can I see it?" asked Octavia, a senior master librarian.

"Normally I'd say yes, but as your witch I advise against it," said Nick. "I worry about the baby." They've been having long discussions about magic and how it could affect the baby and Octavia has been avoiding magic as much as she could. As far as any witch could tell, the baby is developing normally, but they decided that the baby should not receive any more exposure to magic or magical elements than necessary.

"Let's try it like this." Octavia crouched down and spoke to the book in Nick's arms, "Vanemate Rasside Jõud, I just want to see the magical field you're emitting. I ask because we don't want it to hurt our baby."

Not hearing or feeling any complaint from the book, Octavia stood waved a hand over its cover and the air around the book began to tingle and change to octarine, the color of magic. It was quite a bold colored field showing that the magical field radiating from the book was incredibly strong. The field politely avoided Octavia, yet it engulfed all of Nick. "I think the book likes you. Thank you Vanemate Rasside Jõud." With another wave of her hand, the colored field was gone.

"Is it strong?" asked Nick.

"Oh yeah, it's really strong. I'm glad I did that before blindly flipping through the pages."

"I looked though it a few times, handwritten in that curly alphabet they used on the cover. There's a lot of hand drawn charts inside." After a few minutes of walking, he said, "Here we are."

At 6:45 PM Octavia stepped out into one of the most beautiful libraries that she had ever seen. It was filled with light that didn't cast shadows, whitewashed rock wall and ceiling, beautiful plants, comfortable seating, clearly marked restrooms. It even had a stream that flowed through the reading area and filled a pond populated with coy fish. {Coy fish are so shy they swim beneath the other fish to avoid being seen} "Where are we?" gasped Octavia as she did slow turns trying to see the entire library.

"It's a cave or castle or something. Axemir said it was dug by elves called the Mountain Ergonians."

"But where are we?"

"We're under Bear Mountain, so this complex and library are ours. I was thinking of calling this place Wægn Manor," He smiled hopefully at Octavia and said, "this is now our ancestral home and not Nana Partridges' cabin."

"But how? Was this library here when you got here?"

Nick shrugged; this place was an utter mystery to him too. "No, it was a huge empty room that let me change it."

"Change it? How did you change it?"

"Come here," placing Vanemate Rasside Jõud on the librarian's stately desk, he led Octavia across the hall, where there was a closed door. He opened it to show an empty room, then he closed the door and said, "This room would make a nice personal office." He opened the door again and this time the room contained a large desk, bookshelves, easy chairs, and a fireplace. "It will stay like this until I decide to change the room into something else."

Octavia gasped in shock. Nick doesn't have the magic to change a lantern wick, but he just furnished an entire room! She examined the room, but everything was real and there wasn't a hint of malignant magic being used. She had heard that the Mountain Ergonian Elves were powerful and corrupt, but so far, she couldn't find a hint of corruption in anything. "This is amazing..." she stood in the room with her arms stretched out, fingers pointing straight up. She turned side to side and said, "This was ancient magic, and it wasn't from you. It was the castle doing it because you asked." She looked at her husband and smiled, "I know what you mean to me, but what do you mean to this castle... or fort... or whatever it is?"

Nick shrugged, turned, and said, "I don't know. I supposed I'll have to figure out how to read the book." Octavia followed Nick back to the library, where he placed Vanemate Rasside Jõud on a special stand. "There you go, just for you, old boy," whispered Nick when suddenly he froze with his hands on the book, his head tilted back and he began to tremble, tiny bolts of lightning crackled from the book and he shuddered in throes of pain, then he slumped to his knees.

"Are you ok?" Octavia gasped as she knelt next to him.

"Yeah, the book, it just fixed a few things. I think the emperor's dragon messed up the power they gave me. I should be able to change properly now. It said no more than ten animals a day until I mature."

"Mature?" laughed Octavia. "Speaking of which, is there a midden here?" They got to their feet and Octavia walked over to a room with a female stick figure on the door and peered in and when she saw what was in there, she nearly wept with joy.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Mended Drum Pub, Ankh-Morpork

It was still early at the Mended Drum, there's been no assaults, attacks, knifings, strangulations, beatings, decapitations or the like. But the night is young and has a lot of potential. Down in the pub the usual reigned. Heroes waiting for the next big challenge, thieves and murderers waiting for their respective guilds to restore their permits, freelance men looking to make a living without guild interference. The lights were low; the mood was dark, and the talk was conducted with a lot of glances over shoulders.

"Oi hears that the emperor of the Agatean Empire is dead, he were kilt by one o' his own prisoners," said Scurvy Edward.

Even with the clacks network sending information from Lancre to the Sto Plains in a matter of minutes, news from far-flung places still travels slowly on the disc. It's been months since the brat emperor Fu Ki had his wish come true and he got a good close look at a dragon, the hard way. Now the news of that event is finally reaching the depths of Ankh-Morpork society.

"Aye, 'tis true," said Peabody Loom. "Oi also heard that there was no successor to the throne so the bloke wot kacked the emperor is now emperor."

"Wot's all that got to do with us?" whined Crafty Breeden. Crafty isn't really crafty, but he follows orders well and he's a passable pickpocket.

"Wot's that got to do with us?" asked Peabody with a grin. "There's a Morpork boy sitting on that throne and All That Gold."

"We could walk in there and start scooping up All That Gold," chuckled Mortimer Sweeny. "That way, the emperor would have less to worry about. Har Har Har."

"Wot's a Morpork boy know about runnin' an empire?" asked Dunstel Marvin rhetorically. "NUFFIN! That's wot! The entire empire is ours for the pickin'. The empire and All That Gold!"

Knowing chuckles spread through the group of mercenaries, as Splinters Nottly said, "I know where we can get a ship."

"You'll need more than a few ships and a small army," said a voice in the corner.

"Wot would you say that we need, Mister Failed Wizard," Splinters taunted the man that was sitting back in the shadows.

Leaning into the light, he said, "You need a dragon," and Horatio Tinsmith returned to the shadows.

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Wægn Manor, Bear Mountain, Lancre

"INDOOR PLUMBING!" Octavia's cry of joy echoed through the mountain keep. She came out of the restroom with tears of joy in her eyes. Throwing her arms around Nick's neck, she peppered his face with kisses. "Can we move in now?"

The water closet was little more than a wooden stool that had a water flush and a small sink. "It's a bit of a walk for anyone wanting the witch, or the duke, or a book," said Nick. "You still haven't seen the best part." He led her deeper into the redoubt, past door after door open to empty rooms. A pair of fairies joined up with them to light the way. "Flitterdance, Dazzlefluff," said Nick, "this is the mistress of the house, Octavia Worblehat-Stein."

"The Enchantress!" gasped the two fairies. "We are your hand maidens!" The fairies swirled around maddeningly, and when they realized that she was pregnant, they hovered in front of her stomach, crooning songs to the baby.

"I'm having a hard time trying not to swat," said Octavia through gritted teeth.

"Girls! We just want to see the garden," Nick informed the fairies.

"This way! This way!" Apparently Nick led Octavia too far because they had to head back toward the library, then they turned down a hall. Soon they were standing in an empty room with a glass wall that looked out on a marvelous garden. Plants and trees, flowers, and butterflies, Octavia gasped at the splendor of it all.

"Come on," said Nick and he took Octavia's hand and led her through a glass door and out into the garden. It was dark, but glowing flowers lit a path that led between flowering plants of all kinds. Here and there were chairs and tables to sit and enjoy the beauty. The path led them through an orchard where all kinds of fruit hung ripe. Ready to pick. "Bananas!" gasped Octavia, "I've got to tell Daddy!" The sound of flowing water led them to a pond where the water temperature was perfect for a refreshing dip. Beautiful aquatic plants grew around the edge of the pond, except at the end where there was a lawn to recline and watch the swimmers. Flowers bloomed and small lights floated around in the evening garden.

"This is impossible," said Octavia. "It's much warmer here than it was down in the valley."

"It's a cave," said Dazzlefluff knowingly.

Flitterdance gave a little melodious cry and one by one, other fairies appeared from their hiding spaces. "Come out! It's the Viimane Päkapikk and the Enchantress!"

Nick and Octavia looked at each other in confusion. "What's a Viimane Päkapikk?" Nick asked.

"It's you, silly!" giggled Flitterdance.

"I'm just Nick," said the exasperated Duke of Wægn and Emperor of the Agatean empire.

Soon fairies were fluttering about, chattering softly, welcoming the Viimane Päkapikk and his Enchantress. Tiny gnomes in their silly lederhosen appeared from under the shrubs, and they bowed and greeted Nick and Octavia. An older gnome bowed to Nick and said, "I am Torger Undershrub, your head gardener. We are glad you are here."

"Do you know Bjorn Highgrower?" asked Octavia, "He's our gardener down at our cabin."

"Oh ya! Cousins, don'tcha know. He winters here. When he and his clan arrive, we know winter is not far behind."

"Did Nana Partridge ever come here?" asked Nick. Nana was the previous witch at their cottage.

"Oh no, she was not Päkapikk."

Octavia put her lips to Nick's ear and whispered something naughty. Something based on the words, "Päkapikk, Nick, and dick."

"You say the sweetest things." Then to Torger he said, "I think my bride and I are going to go for a swim. Is that ok?"

"We will give you some privacy, Mister Nick!" and with that, the gnomes slowly withdrew under their shrubbery.

"Torger, what is Viimane Päkapikk?" asked Nick as the old gnome went to duck under a shrub.

"You opened the front door to the keep, did you not?" Nick nodded and Torger continued, "and you assigned rooms did you not?" Again, Nick nodded. "Only a Päkapikk or the Viimane Päkapikk can do that, so it must be you."

"What does it mean?" but Torger had disappeared into the plants and his answer was lost in the rustling leaves.

They walked down to the water's edge and Nick pulled off his boots and socks and stuck a toe in the water. "Oh, my gods the water is perfect!" He gasped as he stripped his clothes off "Come join me!" but she twisted away and he had to chase Octavia a little.

"I can't run with your baby in me!" she shouted, trying not to laugh.

"I have no problem with taking advantage of the situation," he said. As he caught her wrist and pulled her close, they kissed. He gave the necktie of her robe a gentle tug and it opened. Kissing her, Nick gave her robe practiced tugs and between kisses he gave her that smile and her robe slipped to her ankles and she was naked. Her swollen belly and breasts could barely contain their precious cargo and her skin felt so good touching his own bare skin. He led her by the hand naked to the pond as she laughed and called for the fairies to come to help her. All she got for her cries for help was twitters of laughter from the underbrush.

"What if it's too hot for the baby? We'll cook him!" The water was not even as warm as a hot bath that she loves in front of the fireplace so much, it was like a warm summer day in their pond.

"He might come out a little over-done around the edges, but you're a superb cook. I have faith," teased Nick as they entered the water.

Octavia felt the warm mud squeeze between her toes as she took tiny steps into the pond. She was terrified that she would fall, but Nick was there at her side with every step. Soon she was deep enough for the water to lift her heavy breasts and Nick pulled her to him. Octavia put her arms around Nick's neck and their eyes melted into each other's, and before they knew it, they were kissing sweetly as she floated gently in the warm, soft water of the fragrant pond.

"Why didn't you tell me about this place," sighed Octavia as their kiss finally ended. "Were you saving it for your girlfriend?"

"Yes, and it took me forever to get you up here." Nick walked around in the water, cradling Octavia, one hand on her back, one hand on her bum, letting her float in the heavenly water. She looked up and saw what she thought were stars glowing above her. They were different soft colors and intensities, and she could pick out constellations. So peaceful, so wonderful, and she allowed the tension of their hectic schedule and terrible responsibilities to drift away...

"We will retire here," one of them said, although neither could say who said it.

"We could hike under the red leaves in the sweetwood forest outside. The hot spring isn't far," said Nick.

"And there's good fishin' in the stream, turnwise from the keep," called a garden gnome.

It all sounded so appealing to Octavia, but right now it was just her and her men, one holding her safe in the water, the other floating happily in her womb. She placed her hand on the back of Nick's head and pulled him down for another kiss, their tongues gently dancing with each other.

Nick supported his floating enchantress with one arm while his free hand roamed over her body, gently sliding up between her legs, fingertips whisking the sensitive flesh of her inner thighs, now daring to brush up and down her sensitive lower lips, eliciting a shudder.

He moved into shallow water and was sitting on the bottom with Octavia floating in his lap, her hair fanning out in the water. Her eyes rolling back in pleasure as his fingers circled around and around her clit, not touching but coming closer and closer. He leaned over and started suckling her breast gently and she gasped, her eyes flying wide open. "That's for...!"

They were so young and unaware of this world, and everything was a new discovery. Nick got a little taste of what is in store for their child and he smiled at his wife, "That is so amazing," His face was aglow, then they kissed beautifully as his finger finally brushed over her clit. She could taste her milk on his tongue as they kissed but his fingers! It's been so long! His circling digits excited her, pushed her higher and higher. Her teeth caught his tongue as the first tremors of a long-awaited orgasm neared.

"Let's do it, I want you in me," she sighed as they kissed, and they moved back to shore and up on the lawn. She lay back, trembling in need as he climbed between her legs and lowered his mouth to her labia. A tiny whimper of excitement came from her as Nick reacquainted himself with Octavia's body. Now his tongue flickered over her clit, causing her to gasp and arch her back. A groan escaped her throat as her fingers wound in his hair. Somewhere in the distance, she could hear singing that echoed the excitement that was building inside of her.

She was out of her mind with need and tugged his arms, trying to pull him into the position she wanted. Nick got the idea quickly and climbed to his knees until he was looking down into the prettiest face he had ever seen, still as happy and funny as the day they met, but now glowing with sexual excitement and immanent motherhood. He lined up his cock with her vagina and she was tempted to grab his cock and pull it into her, but he rocked forward and the head of his cock slowly entered her.

"Yessss..." she hissed; it's been so long! It's almost winter and their last time was mid-summer! They got so close the night Jia and Ning stayed, but Jia was a curious boy and crept around the house, they restrained themselves. She can't even remember the last time she felt a finger inside of her. His cock felt so big, stretching her out, she almost forgot how heavenly it felt to have her man inside of her, and soon he was stroking in and out, fucking her the way she wanted, the way she waited for so long for.

Soon her climax was on her, and it was a big one. Enormous waves of pure bliss crashed over her, her body jerking, her milk heavy breasts expressing and shuddering, her cries filling the garden and at the peak she fainted...

She awoke a couple of moments later, and Nick was still fucking lost in his own climax. He roared as he poured his semen into her, and soon it was over. They lay side by side, clutching each other tight in case they fly off the face of the earth. Panting breath soon eased, and they lay side-by-side kissing gently.

"What are you thinking?" she asked with a smile.

"Nothing really."

"Come on, I see it in your eyes. Tell me."

"I think," Nick started, "I think we have to cut back on our work schedules and work on our us schedules."

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Imperial Palace, Hunghung City, Agatea

Another day, another meeting with the men that control the Agatean Empire. Nick looked out at the sea of faces, all looking up at him either in anger or adoration, there's no middle of the road with these people, but he's got to get going, he's not as good as slipping through time in L-Space as Octavia is. She can be away from the bookstore for ten minutes and get a full day's work done over here. Nick doesn't have that skill. "Could you repeat that?" he asked the minister of the treasury. Nick's formal high collar robe hid Sundrop, a male fairy who translated what was said for Nick in his ear. He still used Lung Mist to translate officially. Their excuse was that Nick's accent made Agatean sound funny, and he didn't want to insult the court, which the ministers approved.

"How do you want your salary paid?" said Sundrop, translating for the minister.

"I didn't realize I got a salary." the idea of receiving money for showing up a couple of times a week and just talking seemed strange.

"Yes, minus palace expenses, of course, and you're never here, so your expenses are incidental."

"I want ten percent of whatever it was he just said and hold on to the rest," said Nick. He couldn't fathom the number that was given to him earlier because Sundrop said it started with a three and there were a lot of zeros.

"The Minister says all or nothing," said a worried Sundrop.

"Oh damnit," muttered Nick. He didn't want a sack of pretty Agatean coins that he couldn't spend, but he did have a child on the way, and they didn't even have any diapers for him. "Tell him I have to pay foreign agents; I'll need ten percent of it in one-ounce ingots, the rest in coin." That should shake him. The ingots they can convert to cash in Lancre Town, but the rest they'll lock up somewhere... maybe Wægn Manor has a safe. Actually, Wægn Manor IS a safe.

"He said he will have the money for you before you retire for the afternoon," translated Lung Mist.

"Thank you Lung Mist. What is next?"

"Transportation your eminence."

Nick listened to a lot of ministers and it seemed to Nick that the number one complaint was the condition of roads and bridges throughout the empire and that is making the famine worse. The farmers are producing more than enough food, they just can't get it to market. Nick turned to the minister of the Army and asked, "What happens when your army comes to a weak or collapsed bridge?"

After relaying through Lung Mist, the answer came back: "we would march around it or return to base."

Nick thought for a moment, then said, "If we were invaded and we couldn't get our army in place because of bad roads and bridges, we would be in danger, would we not?" The minister agreed, so Nick continued, "If we want to defend ourselves, we need good roads and bridges to move our armies swiftly and protect our beloved empire, right?"

"Yes, your highness, but previous emperors wanted the army marching, not building."

"You can't march if the bridges are broken, or the roads are terrible. If you would like teamwork exercises, then you have my blessing to fix every bridge and road that your army finds that prevents them from completing their mission. Call it training for the soldiers."

The minister of the Army brightened. This wasn't an order, and it didn't countermand previous orders directly. It was something that needed to be done. "Your highness, how do you suggest we approach this problem?"

Nick shrugged. "It's your army, you run it as you see fit, sit down with your officers and devise a plan, then show it to me next week and then we'll decide whether to go with your plan or not."

When Lung Mist translated those words, the entire staff looked both shocked and delighted. Nick guessed that every previous emperor in memory didn't give his staff the freedom to run their departments as they saw fit, but Nick studied the King of Lancre and the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, two very successful leaders who learned to delegate.

{Havelock Vetinari, the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork used threats of violence and an occasional outing to the snake pit to get things done, but in truth, the day-to-day operations of Ankh-Morpork were delegated to the different guilds, everything from construction to managing the graft that comes with construction}

They talked some more now with a more eager board of ministers who realized they could ask questions without their heads being cut off. {Which used to happen a lot} When a functionary with a long braided ponytail set two sacks of coins and ingots next to the throne the Emperor said, "That is all I have for today, in a few weeks I will introduce our new Prime Minister. I want an apartment set up for the Prime Minister and family here in the palace."

"Your highness! We haven't had a prime minister in nearly a hundred years!" gasped one minister. "We had a Grand Vizir."

"And what did that get you?" asked Nick. He knew the answer. A lot of beheadings. "The Shì Pha constitution, which required Grand Vizirs, was never ratified, so I am forced to go back to the Hau Chung constitution." There was murmuring of approval from a series of advisors who just got a stay of execution. "Our new Prime Minister will do a great job, I guarantee it."

"His pay and the cost of his apartment will come out of your salary, your highness," said the Minister of Finance.

"That's probably why we haven't had one. Make it a pleasant apartment. Better yet, give the prime minister my apartment." He clapped his hands and said, "Gentlemen, is there anything else we need before I go?"

One small tiny man stood and bowed several times and said one world. Lung mist turned to Nick and said, "He wants a Navy."

Nick's brow furrowed and he rubbed his chin, "We have a Navy right?"

"No your highness. The last emperor was afraid of the water so he ordered all ships scuttled."

Nick pointed to the little man and said, "Start drawing up plans for the navy, quickly."

Lung Mist was translating Nicks words as the curtain closed on another confused staff meeting. Sundrop, who had no idea what an apartment was, started whispering in Nick's ear that the board was confused but happy to hear that the Office of the Prime Minister would be filled, and they were embarrassed about the navy.

With the board and the on lookers murmuring, the curtain closed and Lung Mist came up to Nick and said, "Your excellency, a Prime Minister?"

"It won't be a problem, Lung Mist. The Prime Minister knows the job, and you'll still get to yell. The Empress is getting close to having the baby and I want to spend time with her and the baby." Nick patted the old guy on the back and said, "You understand, right?"

"No, I truly don't."

Lung Mist was a eunuch. Of course, he didn't understand. With a shrug, Nick lifted the two sacks of coins and headed to the library. "One stop first before we go home Sundrop."

Sundrop wiggled out of the collar and sat on Nick's shoulder. "Wherever you go, I go. I'm just along for the ride."

They stepped out of L-Space into the Wægn Manor Library, then into the closest room he could find, a small room, possibly a bedroom. He closed the door, held onto the doorknob, and said, "this room would make a nice security vault."

He opened the door again and there was another door there, with a combination lock dial in the middle of the door. Somehow he knew that if he dialed a combination, that would set the combination to the lock. He dialed 8 - 18 - 80, then turned the big handle and opened the heavy vault door and in there were shelves and safety deposit drawers and even a desk and chair.

"Test the lock again, just so you don't lose anything," said Sundrop.

"Good thought," agreed Nick. He stepped outside, closed the vault door, spun the dial a few times, and made sure it was locked. The big handle wouldn't budge. Once again, he dialed 8 - 18 - 80 and turned the handle and the door opened. Smiling, he put the two bags on a shelf and kept a small handful of the ingots in the original velvet bag, then closed it up.

"Ok Sundrop, let's go," and he jogged back to the library and into L-Space emerging in the bookstore. "Home again, home again, do you and the girls need anything?" asked Nick.

"That apple should last us the rest of the week," said Sundrop, as Nick changed out of his Emperor's robe.

"I'll be back tomorrow morning. I have a few children to teach." Nick stepped out from the screen in his heavy trousers and flannel shirt, and he pulled on a jacket. He adjusted the crystal heater in the potbelly stove and said good night to the fairies who now live on top of the stove at night. He stepped outside, the weather was cold and dreary, too cold and damp to be walking home so he clutched the bag of gold ingots in his teeth and suddenly he changed into a horse that galloped to a warm, cozy cottage a mile up the hill.

"You're late," called Octavia from over by the stove. She was setting out ingredients for tonight's dinner.

"It's payday, so I stopped off at the Mended Drum with the boys.

"The boys? You didn't entertain the wenches?"

"Wot? and sign their death warrants?" he said with a grin as he hugged Octavia from behind.

"I have some good news," she said in a singsong voice.

"We're having twins?"

"Better! Axemir and Eryri struck a very rich lode of nearly pure iron." She jingled a coin purse and handed it to Nick. There were nearly thirty Ankh-Morpork dollars in there, more than double what they had stashed in the empty cookie jar.

"I didn't know emperors were salary workers, but we got paid today," and he handed her the bag.

She counted out seventeen ingots. With the current price of gold hovering over 350 Ankh-Morpork dollars per pure ounce... "Oh my god we're rich!"

"Well, that's about six thousand dollars at a money exchanger. I have no idea what the sack full of Agatean gold pieces is worth." Six thousand dollars is how much the average person in Ankh-Morpork will be paid in 12 years of hard labor.

"There's more?" she gasped.

"Yep, I locked it up in Wægn Manor. There are more ingots, but it's mostly large denomination Agatean coins." He took a trio of Agatean coins out of his pocket as he led his pregnant wife to the table and they sat down excitedly, discussing what they were going to do with All That Money. Baby furniture, a sleigh, baby clothes, an actual horse so Nick can ride on the cart with the family, a baby bed... the world was theirs. "We will be done with Agatea by the end of the year and we can just stay home and love our family."

"I can't wait," sighed Octavia. "Come in!" her call to come in was followed by the sound of knuckles rapping at the front door. Suddenly the cottage was filled with the scent of fresh baked bread, and roasted pork as Octavia's kitchen magic produced dinner from the raw ingredients she had placed on the counter. The door opened and two women stood at the doorway dressed in black from head to toe, and wearing their icon, the pointy black hat with the wide brim.

"Please, enter, sisters," said Nick, and two witches entered. The witch that summoned up her courage and entered first took her hat off and bowed.

"My apologizes for being so late, but we represent the witches of Lancre and want to thank you for the life of Guendolen Borsen." Both witches faced Nick and curtsied deeply, holding their curtsy. Nick looked at Octavia, confused, and she just shrugged.

"Uhh, you're welcome?" Nick stood and pulled a chair away from the table and said, "we were about to eat. Please join us. We have plenty."

The witches looked nervously at each other, not knowing what to expect. This was a young couple who looked completely out of place here. He was a short but energetic young man with dark hair, clean shaven, and dressed like a farmer, one eye covered with a crockelgator skin eyepatch. She was taller and pleasant, and obviously pregnant. She is clearly a city girl that was dropped on a farm and told, "Here's your new home, survive."

"Let me take your shawls and brooms," said Nick, and finally, the witches slowly handed their shawls to him.

"I am Matilda Potts and this is Agnes Dempsy. We have come belatedly to thank you for saving Guendolen Borsen."

"Witches in the Ramtops believe that all children in Lancre are our responsibility, and saving one like you did is the greatest gift a witch can give to their sisterhood." Agnes spoke forcefully and stiffly, but Agnes says everything forcefully and stiffly.

"We should have been here long before to thank you," said Matilda. "I apologize for the snub."

Nick and Octavia bustled about like a well-oiled machine, placing wooden dishes with roast pork, potatoes, and beans, and a large loaf of bread and butter. Every time they passed each other, they kissed. Finally, they sat down with a kiss and dinner began. "We're sorry to intrude," said Matilda. "it looks like this is one of the last evenings together at home alone for you."

"It will be a few more weeks before Marlon joins us," said Octavia. At the sound of Marlon's name, Gaspode woke up from his soft bed before the fire and wandered over to the table to see if there were any scraps that would need liberating.

"You know it's going to be a boy? How?"

Octavia pointed to Nick and said, "He told me."

"How many babies have you delivered?" asked Matilda, trying to get some small talk going.

Nick just shrugged, but Octavia said, "Fourteen. If nothing changes, Marlon will be number sixteen. There's a girl up in Stomp that will be next week."

"Darindra," nodded Nick.

"Da-reen-dra," corrected Octavia, who got a kiss.

"I'm not far from Stomp," said Agnes. Agnes was a big blocky woman. Under her shawl and robes, Nick wouldn't be surprised if he found out that she was made of shoe boxes. "Do you mind if I assist?"

"Um... sure?"

"We just want you to know that we're here for you," said Matilda. "Being a male witch makes you an outsider, and we want to draw you in and make you welcome." She was saddened when Nick slowly shook his head.

"I understand what you are doing, and it's OK. I thank you for it, but I don't fit in. I'll just make everyone uncomfortable and I don't want to do that. I'll stitch wounds, make poultices, and deliver babies. I study the craft and am willing to learn more, but I'm an outsider, an outcast, always have been, and I found my coven." He raised his hand, showing that he was holding Octavia's hand.

Octavia kissed his hand and said, "Honey, do you mind if the girls and I talk?"

"Ok," said Nick.

Octavia touched his forehead, and Nick slumped to sleep. Octavia kissed his cheek, then turned to the witches and said, "Let's have some tea." A few minutes later, they were sitting by the fire sipping tea and nibbling on biscuits while Nick snoozed at the dinner table.

"Why did you do that?" asked Agnes with the force of a sledgehammer.

Octavia refilled her teacup and said, "This lets us girls talk openly. You were talking about babies, and I know exactly how many babies I'm going to have. I don't know how I know, but I know. Nick doesn't want to know; he wants it to be a surprise. And when the last one becomes a witch and inherits this cottage, Nick and I will move out to live in a place that we are preparing now."

"Could he do the same thing to you?" asked Matilda.

"I don't think so, even if I taught him how to do it. His magic is very specialized." Octavia looked over at her dozing man. "He wants to be there for everyone in this valley, as their children's teacher or as their witch or their duke, and if he has time, as their husband." Octavia looked at the witches and there was thunder in her eyes. "We've been separated twice in the past. I almost died of terror each time. No more. If you want to have Nick at your meetings, prepare to have me along. We're a team, we work together."

Matilda looked around and realized that up on the mantel over the fire there were nervous eyes watching from several hiding creatures. "No ma'am! That's not what we want to do. We want to help you. If it's ok with you and Nick, Agnes and I want to cover the turnwise end of the valley, that's about twenty farms and homesteads that won't be calling you for help but us."

Octavia slumped back into her chair happily, somebody that wanted to help. Tears of joy driven by uncertainty and exhaustion flowed down her cheeks. "Thank you so much."

Matilda came over and hugged Octavia and whispered, "It's ok, that's what we're here for."

"How many babies are you going to have?" demanded Agnes.

Octavia looked over to see if Nick was still sleeping, then held up six fingers.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Harga's House of Ribs, Morpork

The wizards tried again to deal with the Problem that nobody wanted to talk about but everybody wanted solved - the Sourceress. One evening they chose to meet on neutral ground, ground so sacred that any wizard acting out of order would get their staff broken, their pointy hat flattened, their robes rent, and they would be removed from magical society permanently. The location: Harga's House of Ribs.

Harga's House of Ribs is an eatery run by Sham Harga, near the Unseen University on the Morpork side of the river. The customer at Harga's House of Ribs doesn't need to ask for a menu, they just read what is spilled on Sham's apron. Harga's is not known for great food, or even good food, but it is known for large portions and low prices, which to a wizard is far more important than anything else.

The eight wizards gathered and glumly steeled themselves for the meals ahead. One of the younger wizards mumbled something to his neighbor, who reacted like he was just jolted by an electric wand. "WOT?!?"

"I simply said she's pregnant," whispered Kup Flanagan of the Ancient and Truly Original Sages of the Unbroken Circle.

"The female wizard is pregnant. Is that what you said?" demanded Szandor Obsidian-Moon of Mrs. Widgery's Lodgers. "How is that possible?"

"Well," Kup made a circle with his left thumb and forefinger and pointed to it with his right index finger, "When momma wizard and daddy witch love each other very much..."

"NOT THAT!" demanded Szandor. "The vow of chastity! The mandatory vow of chastity we all must take to become a wizard!"

"There's no mandatory vow of chastity," said Kup.

"None," said Sundew Wartsnort of the Ancient and Truly Original Brothers of the Silver Star. "It's all completely voluntary. Mostly symbolic, say wot."

"No..."

"Quite so, young chap," said Locklear Oatpusher as he puffed his cigar to life. The smoke from his stogie changed color from time to time, so everyone in the room chose {wisely} not to ask him what was in his cigar. "It's a wonderful prank we pull on our first-year students... Who would else believe such a thing?" The smoke from his cigar changed from blue to olive drab.

While Szandor Obsidian-Moon quietly wept for his lost youth, Astralfeek Sunflow, of the Brotherhood of the Hoodwink, reported. "The female wizard has been quite active recently. Our spies kept her cottage under observation, and recently it was reported that she turned a horse into a man."

"She wot???"

"She turned a horse into a man!" Astralfeek took a small scroll out of his sleeve and read aloud, "Upon arriving at thee home thee hoarse 'twas pulling her cart became sorely cantankerous and stubborn. Thee enchantress smite thee hoarse thusly upon thee rump a good one at which point it become a man."

"And then what?"

Astral Feek looked through his notes and muttered... "She took him inside and gave him dinner..." followed by a series of knowing chuckles. "Then she sent him to the bookstore to work."

"Blimey! She turned her horse into a shopkeeper?"

"That was her husband, you dolt. He's a magic user too," snarled Fallewraith Flanagon of the Brothers of the Order of Midnight. "Look, if we do anything to this woman, we have to make it look like an accident. Her husband is the Duke of Wægn and is currently seated as the emperor of the Agatean Empire."

"They never go nowhere but that bookstore of theirs..."

"Ook," whispered a hooded stranger who appeared at their table.

The eight wizards looked at each other, then Fallewraith Flanagon said, "Why should we leave the Sourceress to you?"

"Ook."

"Oh, really?" chuckled Astral Feek. "What if I decided to do something about it?"

"OOK." The wizards watched in shock and horror as the hooded stranger turned a wooden chair inside out and he implied it would be easier to do with the human body.

Seven of the eight wizards ran for the exit while Astral Feek stammered, "Uh... if you need help with the sourceress, call us for backup."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Wægn Manor, Bear Mountain, Lancre

Nick watched in rapt fascination as the most powerful woman on the discworld slowly swallowed his cock. "Dear Gods," he groaned as her tongue slithered over the sensitive underside of his cock driving him out of his mind. She's been keeping him at the edge of coming for nearly a half hour and he was slowly going out of his mind. She felt a twitch in his cock and a little splash of cum entered her mouth and she knew it was time. Faster and faster her mouth moved up and down. Her tongue pressed harder and harder against his sensitive cock. "I'm... going... to..." he couldn't get the last word out. Nick collapsed back onto the fragrant lawn as he came, his cock shooting spurt after spurt into his wife's mouth. She drank every drop he had to offer and didn't slow down until Nick begged her to stop.

"That was a good one," she grinned as she crawled up and gave him a little kiss.

"That was a great one," said Nick as he pulled her closer for a long, sweet kiss.

"Show me more of this castle," sighed Octavia as they finished up lunch. It is so nice to lock the bookstore door, sneak back into L-Space and find themselves in Wægn Manor for lunch and a leisurely blowjob in their underground garden.

"Axemir and I explored most of it. It's empty rooms of different sizes. Some are furnished, some are not," said Nick as he pulled his clothes back on. "The dungeons looked dank, dark and scary and the fairies wouldn't go down there to light the way. So we stayed up here on the upper levels."

However amazing the castle was, Nick considered it mostly useless. The underground garden was useful, they could come here and swim and make love then pick fruit anytime they want and it was a special joy for Octavia to take a huge bunch of fresh bananas to her stepfather in his own library. Dad was so moved that all he could say was, "Ook." There should be another big bunch ready in time for Hogswatch.

The vast library that Nick "assigned" {he didn't make the library, he merely assigned that function to that room} was filled with books, but they were all written in an ancient language that so far no scholar has identified. There were more familiar languages the further in you went, but that's the nice thing about L-Space. You'll eventually find a book you like; however, you may find it in a different world.

They had two rooms full of weapons for defense, but they had no idea how many of the more complex weapons worked. Even though the bow was a simple weapon, Nick held one up that looked complex and terrifying to the operator. Nick dared not think of how the target felt, having the complex arrangement of wires and wheels and levers aimed at him. Was that rack of arrows on the side a fancy quiver, or did it automatically reload?

Octavia had no desire to inspect any of these weapons, but she found a device that looked familiar. "Honey? What do you think?" and she held it up, smiling. It was a trident with two more pointy bits making five spikes. The cross bar that the pointy prongs were affixed to was solid. "The handle needs cutting down but..." She rotated the weapons so the points were pointing down and she put a foot on the crossbar. "Think this would come in handy for breaking ground?"

The witch/duke/emperor took the weapon from her hands and said, "potatoes... this might do a good job for digging up potatoes. I've heard the farmers talking about the problems with digging them up."

"Potatoes?" People desired the Lancre Tater all over the disc for their famous white flesh and flavor, but any ground in the Ramtops that would be favorable for potatoes to grow held onto the root tightly and potato digging was hard work. Nick hoped that this might be the tool to break the potatoes free without breaking the potato.

"Let's see what our blacksmith thinks of this when we get back."

He carried the spear-thing over his shoulder and said, "Here's our biggest problem," and he opened up the vault. With the exchequer of the Agatean Empire insisting that Nick bring his paycheck home every week in gold, the amount of gold was building up in the vault. Gold is abundant in the Agatean empire and to them it's nearly worthless so they're happy to dump so much onto Nick and Octavia. They were grateful that the Emperor and Empress wasn't asking for something valuable, like aluminum or copper. Some of the gold piling up was in one ounce ingots, but the majority the money in the vault was Agatean coin, and the coins were stacking up.

The problem with having All That Money is that you really can't spend it on much because no one on the discworld has change for All That Gold. The vault contained huge heavy coins that were probably worth a fortune, but they would have to melt the coins into ingots. And that's a lot of melting. They were terrified of flooding the economy with gold. Octavia looked at the sacks of coins that were piling up in the vault and sighed. "We got all the money in the world and I was happier with fifteen dollars in our jar."

"Because we can spend that money in your jar. This is pretty, but we can't spend it... unless..." a grin broke out on Nick's face. He started studying the variety of coins laid out before them. "We have a thirteen hundred dollar tax assessment adjustment on Tallywiffle county."

"I don't like where you're going with this," said Octavia.

"We give King Verance this coin," he held up the smallest denomination Agatean coin, "this is easily worth fifteen hundred Ankh-Morpork dollars. We get two hundred dollars in change."

"That's illegal. It's not the coin of the realm. We will give it to the king's assayer who will accept its value in gold, rather than coin," said Octavia sternly, then she smiled. "We may make out better that way."

The vault was also collecting gemstones, but Nick and Octavia didn't mind them so much. Dwarves have no need for the more common gemstones, so Axemir and Eryri have been saving them. Nick hands them out to the mothers of the babies he delivers, and their collection is getting quite large now. "It's so frustrating," said Nick, as his shoulders sagged.

"What is frustrating?" Octavia put a reassuring arm around Nick.

"All this money, and we can't do a thing with it. We can't do any good for anyone... if we just threw it on the street, it would do more harm than good. Why can't we just be us..."

She loved her forlorn husband with all her heart and she held him close. Their son moved and made his presence known as well. "People love what you're doing with the gemstones, but the gold, you'll figure it out. I know you will."

"Thank you, my love."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

The Great Circle Sea

The gangs of mercenaries, thieves, and pirates that left ports like Istanzia, Ell Kinte, Gebra, and Ankh-Morpork were already counting their profits in their minds. There was an Ankh-Morpork boy on the throne in the Agatean Empire! Corrupt is as corrupt does and he should be ready for their arrival any time. They could picture the gold coins piled up knee deep in the streets and the lonely wenches crying out for Real Men as the pirates arrive and show them what Real Men were all about then toss them a thousand dollar coin as a tip. The unknown Ankh-Morpork boy on the throne will be shouting, "COME ON IN!" eager to share this bonanza with his brothers. All that gold, all those wenches, it's all too wonderful.

Before they left Ankh-Morpork, a wizard in Sto Helit had been bribed into summoning up a black Agatean Dragon. "Why should I conjure a dragon? There are dragons everywhere," said the wizard who needed the money. The wizard truly enjoyed the horse races, but Sto Helit Downs had a strict "NO PROPHESY" rule and now this particular wizard was deep in debt and was taking on all conjuring jobs, no questions asked. But this time, he felt compelled to ask.

"Not a swamp dragon, we want a proper dragon," said Horatio Tinsmith, "An Agatean dragon!"

"That's quite a tall order," said the wizard as he leafed through his catalog of Dragon Conjuring spells. It was hard to hide the smile because this was going to get him out of debt.

"That's the one!" said a pirate that was standing next to Horatio pointing at a snarling dragon.

"A black Agatean dragon?" gasped the Wizard. It's the smallest Agatean dragon but still a big job, a big paycheck, he can't lose the customer now.

"Yeah, black," insisted the pirate, "I mean, it sounds good, black dragon for black operations. Right?"

"That's as good as any other reason I guess," said the wizard and after a sack of coins changed hands, a few rites {and a bunch of wrongs} were said, Horatio Tinsmith finally had a dragon.

When chained, the Agatean black is docile and easily trainable, because the Agatean black is a docile and easily trainable dragon. It is vastly smaller than the Agatean Golden dragon and they're easier to wrangle because they're exceedingly stupid. That's ok, on this mission its principal job was to terrify the populace, unfortunately the optional flame thrower was not included in that model. It's too late for buyer's remorse, All That Gold was calling.

The hard crossing of the Turnwise ocean cost them a ship, in the sea of Wolbem a great beast reached up with twenty foot long tentacles that wrapped around the ship and crushed it, but they still had their dragon. As they passed the fabled islands of Rohtua and Ercoidem the sirens started their calls luring the ships closer to shore where they would be crushed on the rocks, but the helmsmen had wax in their ears and steered clear {Score one for bad hygiene at sea!} They continued on with their dragon because All That Gold needed liberating.

They were the most efficient sailors on the disk because their goals were clear, precise, realistic, and obtainable: GOLD! WENCHES! PILLAGING! RAPE! ALCOHOL! MAYEHM! ARSON! RAPE! and touring local sights of historical value.

The pirate ships neared the lighthouse at Sing Poo and lay in wait and soon the pirates were able to capture four large boats of local design known as Junks. These "liberated" ships were able to sail in shallow waters without raising any suspicion, so with their dragon, the pirates started their journey into the Agatean interior. No one stopped them as they entered Flung Poo bay, the normal stop for the Navy to inspect their ships, so they headed inland following the Hunghung river to liberate All That Gold.

"Hey, Benny," whispered one of the younger mercenaries, "what about th' army?"

"Git some sleep Harold," groaned Benny. "Their army ain't no matter to us. They can't git nowhere with all the roads and bridges out."

"Th-thanks Benny. Not exactly a walk in the park for them, eh?"

"Har, har. Good one Harold." After the sound of fist striking flesh and soon Benny was peacefully snoring.

For two weeks they sailed up the Hunghung river getting closer and closer to the seat of power. Swords have been sharpened, oaths have been said, last letters home written. It's Go Time.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Partridge Cottage, Creel Springs, Lancre

Ember, the Discworld month of the harvest, soon gave way to December, a month of preparing for winter. And as December began, so did the snow. The snow in the Ramtop mountains is beautiful, but deadly. Many a hiker has been caught out in the open when snow hits only to be found again in the spring, frozen in an argument between frozen hikers, usually an argument about "who forgot to bring the matches." As this first snow of the season began to settle in, a breathless messenger on a fast horse raced up "Nana Partridges' Driveway" and leaped off of his steaming horse. He dashed up onto the porch knocked on the cabin door, causing Gula, the house gargoyle, to bellow "IIIIIIKKKK!"

"Back here!" came a voice from the sheds behind the cabin. The messenger walked back there to find a farm couple tending to their animals and a pair of dwarves and several humans assisting.

"I have a message for the Duke of Wægn from King Verance," said the young, breathless messenger.

"That's me," said Nick as he found a rag to wipe his hands free of the fecal remains of whatever animal took aim at him this morning.

"How can I be sure that you're the duke?" The young man looked nervous. Dukes don't tend to livestock; they eat them.

Nick sighed; he's used to it. "Tell the young fellow who I am, Axemir."

"He's Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein, the Duke of Wægn."

"That should be proof enough," said Nick, "dwarves don't lie."

Satisfied, the messenger handed Nick a scroll that he opened and read with a frown. "Tell the king we'll be there."

"Yes, your grace," and the messenger dashed off to his horse.

"What was it?" asked Octavia as she emerged from the chicken coop with a basket of eggs.

"It came from King Verance. He said that Ning and Jia were demanding to return to Hunghung. Ning was ready to take over as the Grand Vizier and Jia was demanding to be named crown prince to the empire and they wanted to be escorted home."

"I don't understand," said Octavia, "Jia was doing wonderfully in his classes and learning economics. He was supposed to come play in the snow with Gaspode tomorrow."

"Let's go wash up," he escorted her into the cabin where they changed and asked Eryri and Axemir "Can you keep an eye on the place till we get back? Then we'll talk about that business venture you mentioned."

"What about me?"

Nick bent over and scratched Gaspode behind the ears, "There's always next time, old friend, you need to watch the sheep."

"They're so stupid," muttered Gaspode.

"I'll go get the Ralli cart out," said Nick after they cleaned and changed. Octavia began to fill her colorful shopping bag with baby blankets. "Do you think you're getting that close?" asked Nick as he tried to hug her.

"I don't know. You've done this fifteen times more than I have." She was pretty unsteady on her feet as the snowflakes continued to spiral down from the slate gray sky. "I also put your medical kit in my shopping bag."

Nick helped her down from the porch, then called out, "Virga! Your mistress needs you!" Soon Octavia's

Walking stick stepped out on the porch and hopped down to where Octavia was waiting and Octavia leaned heavily on her stick. Nick pulled the Ralli cart out of the shed and brought it right to Octavia, then he stepped between the traces. He draped a couple of straps over his shoulders and became a horse that she could buckle to the traces. Even with Eryri's help it took her four attempts to get up on the driver's seat. With everything in place, Octavia flicked the reins, and they were off.

"The snow is so pretty!" said Octavia as they eased along the mile path into the village. Neither Nick nor Octavia had ever seen any actual snowfall outside of Ankh-Morpork. Snow in Ankh-Morpork is gray, sometimes in other colors, it depends on what was being burned that day and tainting the clouds. Other than the slush it brings, snow in Ankh-Morpork is just more soot with a different name.

Here in the Ramtop mountains, the snow was almost magical. The bare trees and bushes were being covered with a fine white dusting, and the evergreens were becoming a work of art. "This is what we sing about on Hogswatch Eve!" gasped Octavia. Now all those carols about snow that she heard as she grew up began to make sense. "Let's not go. Let's stay and watch the snowfall, and we'll cuddle by the fire and maybe Marlon will come join us."

"King's orders," came Nick's sad reply. He'd never disobey his king. Fifteen minutes later, they were at the bookstore. The morning coach from Lancre Town with Ning and Jia would be arriving soon.

"Where to, your grace?" asked Trei Metzgar.

"We're escorting our guests home," said Octavia as she daintily stepped off of her two wheeled Ralli cart. She clutched her stomach and occasionally winced as Nick returned to human form. He took the weapon that Octavia found from the cart and brought it to Trei. "What do you think of using this for digging potatoes?"

Trei studied the five pointed head and nodded, then held it up. "It would be pretty good. If you didn't like potatoes, this seven foot long handle makes the job a bit impersonal."

"I was thinking of exchanging that with a shovel handle," said Nick.

"I can do that, and I think I need to file down the tips as well. The points are pretty dangerous. They don't need to be that sharp. I'll have it ready by the time you get back yer grace."

Octavia's belly had grown to the point where she was afraid to move through L-Space for fear of getting stuck in the narrow passages. They were now focused on the baby as they waited for Ning and Jia and soon enough, the Day Coach arrived.

Ning and Jia hopped off the coach and were arguing fiercely; they stomped straight into the bookstore without a word directed toward Nick or Octavia. The driver of the coach hopped down and opened the coach door. "You folks ok in there?" The two passengers that left argued with each other in a foreign language for the entire trip.

"Just as long as the lecture tour is over," said one traveler.

"My ears are exhausted," grumbled the other.

"Ok, next stop, Quench!" The coachman swung up on the seat and with a snap of the whip, the coach was back on the road.

Inside the bookstore, Ning was impatient and insisting that Nick and Octavia hurry on with their robes. "Is anything wrong, Ning?"

"Nothing you would understand." Just as they were ready to enter L-Space, Nick peered into the little box that he took off the top of the heater and said, "Is everyone inside?"

"We're all here!"

"Let's all go this time," and Nick pushed the fairy's box inside Octavia's shopping bag, then he followed Octavia into the depths of the mysteries of L-Space.

Ning reverted to Agatean, and neither Nick nor Octavia understood what she was complaining about. When Jia tried to talk, she snapped at him. Instead of crying or pouting, Jia was getting angry, but he kept his mouth shut.

"I have no idea what you are accusing me of, Ning."

"Ankh-Morpork boy on throne of the Agatean Empire!" shouted Ning. "Money in streets!"

"I'm trying to give you the throne back without a civil war breaking out! We've laid out the groundwork for returning the true constitution to power, so Jia is the true heir to the throne."

"And you fill his head with hubland tradition! Dangerous ideas! Gometry!"

The moment they emerged from L-Space; Ning began muttering. "You will see!" she waved a hand and four heavily armed guards blocked the entrance to the Library, cutting Nick and Octavia off from home. "Sit on throne, one last time!" Ning demanded as Jia ran off.

As Nick and Octavia sat on the throne, the exchequer hobbled out with two sacks, "Here as you required, coins and ingots." He held a clipboard out and Nick signed for their pay. He took the small pouch of ingots and stuffed it in Octavia's shopping bag and the other sack sat at the end of the throne with them and then they sat and waited.

And waited.

Voices were murmuring on the other side of the curtain, shouts were heard occasionally, but most importantly Octavia whimpered in pain.

"What's the matter, honey?" Nick asked.

"I think it's Marlon." her face twisted in pain and she leaned forward, holding her stomach.

"Ok, lay back, bring your knees up," Nick traced his hands over her silk-covered tummy and felt the movements of the little man just a few layers of tissue away from him. It felt like Marlon was ready to meet his dad.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Tam Foo Docks, Hunghung City, Agatea

The four ships of the pirate fleet slammed into the Tam Foo docks in the center of the warehouse district and disgorged their motley horde. A sword wielding rampage began throughout the industrial section of the city of Hunghung. They knew that there was gold in the streets, but all they could find was fish and baskets. "Keep moving men! The gold is here!" Soon, warehouses were burning and neighborhoods were being sacked.

Above them, the black dragon swooped and bellowed. It terrified everyone who didn't know that a black dragon was the equivalent of a flying Labrador Retriever. Horatio Tinsmith held on to the dragon as best as he could. The man who engineered the greatest kidnapping of all time was now leading the greatest pirate raid of all time. He swooped and soared over the melee; the only thing Horatio didn't count on was safety straps.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Imperial Palace, Hunghung City, Agatea

"Emperor! Pirates on the river!" cried Lung Mist.

"Ignore him, I am the Prime Minister," shouted Ning. "Guard! Arrest them! Throw them in the dungeon!"

"I advise against that," Nick said as he continued to help Octavia through her contraction. "Applewhisp, come up here and keep Octavia company."

"What?" squeaked the fairy.

"Sing to her, tell her stories, and hold on tight." He had taken a sheet from Octavia's bag and wrapped it around the throne, tying Octavia to the throne. He intended on dragging her through L-Space like that.

"Guards! NOW!" Shrieked Ning. "ARREST THEM!"

"Prime Minister! They're burning the city!" The curtains opened up, and it was pandemonium on the other side of the curtain. Landowner and peasant united in the need for leadership were demanding action. "THEY HAVE A DRAGON, THEY'RE BURNING EVERYTHING!"

Ning was being overwhelmed with bad news from all sides, but she wanted Nick and Octavia to pay for bringing pirates into her land. "BURN THE LIBRARY" she shouted.

Flames started to spring from the stacks of books so Nick plunged his hands into the sack of coins that the exchequer made him sign for, and grabbed a huge handful and flung them to his left, which got the crowd and quite a few guards pulling in that direction. "We're leaving now Octavia," cried Nick. She gave a shriek of agony in reply, then looked up as a huge gold dragon squatted over the couch she laid on.

Nick bellowed a fountain of flame toward the now empty right side of the palace, turning the stick and paper construction of the palace into a blazing inferno. Grasping the throne tightly with all four claws, Nick gave a powerful thrust of his wings and they burst through the burning wall of paper and were out flying over the Forbidden City at rooftop level.

The huge Forbidden City was an array of palaces and luxury houses spaced far apart that Nick and Octavia never got to see having never stepped outside. Most of the buildings in the Forbidden City have stood empty for centuries, waiting for despotism to come back into style. Nick flew over the Forbidden City at rooftop level and between the buildings if he thought they were being watched, he could feel his tail hit a tile roof occasionally, and guards were rare except at the palace now fading in the distance. In a flash, they passed over the wall that separates the forbidden city from the city of Hunghung, where nearly a million people lived.

Hunghung is like many other cities in the recovering Agatean empire, crowded and vibrant. The months of Nick and Octavia's direction have helped end the famines. People are up and moving around and a few even noticed a giant golden dragon clutching a couch pass right over their head.

"I wanted to see that, down there," Nick's words appeared in Octavia's mind. "I wanted to meet those people."

"See what?" she screeched as she clutched tight to Virga.

"The city, the people, I'm an Ankh-Morepork boy. I want to see it all."

"Why did you bring that up now?"

"Because we're flying over it."

"WHAT?" All Octavia could see was the glittering golden breast scales of the enormous dragon. The elbows of both fore claws were on either side of her so she couldn't see anything. It was like being in a comfortable golden coffin. Nick shared what he was seeing with Octavia and suddenly she saw rooftops rocket past them, people in crowded streets doing business flashed past in the blink of an eye. "STOP SHARING!" she shrieked as her lunch threatened to come up.

Occasionally, an arrow was fired at them, but at their speed, there were no lucky shots. Nick saw a diversion that might work and he turned toward the river. Smoke was rising from almost every building thanks to the pirate attack and he flew toward it and into the smoke. To someone on the ground, all they could see was a dragon clutching a couch dart into the smoke cloud. Somewhere inside that cloud, another dragon lurked, and they avoided each other. Dragons can feel the presence of each other. One dragon felt a huge, menacing relic of the Bad Old Days when Dragons and Sourcerers ruled the world, the other dragon felt an annoying puppy with wings. The black dragon came out of the smoke above the melee, a bit sootier and dirtier.

Nick emerged over the river, and he dropped down as low as possible. He skimmed the surface of the river, keeping a line of buildings and warehouses between him and the guards that were watching for him. Nick's quick plan worked, fooling the guards at the forbidden city that were tracking them. They now believe that the dragon circling over the flames had to be Nick and Octavia. They never saw the other dragon fly upriver at wave top level, hiding behind the buildings, factories, and warehouses of the waterfront, flying to save his family.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Imperial Palace, Hunghung City, Agatea

Lung Mist directed firefighting efforts in the palace, and they put the fires out so quickly that they saved the palace and the library. A little first aid was needed, mostly to fingers that were stepped on trying to grab the coins that Nick threw. Then the old eunuch turned to the general, who was wringing his hands, waiting for an order. Lung Mist took care of that and gave the general the order. "Recall the Hubward army to quell the riots, then recall the Rimward army to support. Reinforce all ports."

The Army general nodded and gave the orders. His armies could move quickly and decisively with all the bridge and road repair team-building exercises. "We won't have anyone available to find them the hublanders," the General advised Lung Mist. His last order was to kill the Hublanders Nick and Octavia, and "Hublander" is not a compliment.

"Sometimes these things happen. When your armies have the uprising under control, General, we need to talk about the constitution. Find young emperor Jia and ask him to join us."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Tam Foo Docks, Hunghung City, Agatea

The battle for the waterfront was hard fought. The only thing to plunder in that area was fish, shaved ice, and dried squid. To make matters worse, the army arrived quickly and counterattacked the pirates. A handful of pirates got back aboard one of their stolen junks and hauled the anchor up. They got the sail up and were heading downstream before the fire arrows began impacting the dry wood of the ancient junk. It burned down to the waterline in minutes.

Sword fights in the streets were growing in number as more troops arrived. The Hubward army arrived first and held the pirates from gaining ground, and when the Rimward army arrived, they joined forces and forced the pirates back to the docks. Soon, the pirates were being disarmed and marched off to a life of slave labor in the gold mines where they would soon be knee deep in All That Gold.

Horatio Tinsmith didn't fare so well. The dragon he rode was happy to be free and overjoyed to be in the land of his ancestors and had great fun swooping and sailing. At some point Horatio said to himself, "I got this! I'm flying a dragon!"

Seated behind him on the dragon's back, a figure in shrouds reading a magazine said, "OVER CONFIDENCE IS A DANGEROUS THING IN A YOUNG DRAGON RIDER." That was when the dragon realized that the annoying person on his back lost his grip. Free from the annoying tugs on his horns, the young dragon flew off, looking for adventure. Meanwhile, Horatio Tinsmith picked himself up off the Hunghung sidewalk and brushed himself off and looked around. The battle raged on and he shrugged and said, "Any landing you can walk away from is a good landing."

"BUT YOU'RE NOT WALKING ANYWHERE," said Death and he swung his scythe, severing the blue line between Horatio Tinsmith and his twisted and broken body. It is said that Horatio Tinsmith died doing what he did best - fail.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Nit Noi Village, Agatea

"I really need to stop, please!" said Octavia in a tiny voice. They were soaring over marshland and it was hard to tell what below what was dry land and what was marshy tufts of swamp grass. Dragons are a marvel of navigation. They know where they are at all times, and they know where everything that is of importance to them is, too. All Nick had to do was convince the dragon that Lancre was a place of importance and the dragon could sort out many routes. Right now, the absolute fastest way would take a month or more. But, Nick noticed, a place called XXXX was much closer.

Nick made a slight turn to the right, and the land started to rise up from the river. Soon the land they were passing over was covered with terraced rice paddies and little walled villages sprang up here and there. "Please, I need to stop," called Octavia in a small, terrified voice.

Nick landed on a hill where Virga could spot threats from all directions. Below the crest of the hill was a small village. He set down and immediately checked on Octavia. Her eyes were wide open, and she was clutching Virga as tightly as she could. "Oh, gods, I'm sorry, but I couldn't think of any way to get you out of there."

She threw her arms around Nick and started crying. "What happened? I thought we were friends with Ning."

"I don't know. When I mentioned that she could fill in as Prime Minister, she must have let it go to her head."

Nick glanced over at Octavia's bulging shopping bag and the fairy box was still there. "Are you guys still with us?"

Sundrop peeked out and said, "How long have you been flying?"

"Almost a year."

"You need to practice."

"He did good," insisted Octavia, who rarely spoke to the fairies.

"How is Marlon doing?" asked Nick.

"He's ok, he's quiet now but I think he will be here soon."

"Let's get you on your feet," and with a smile, he helped her up.

"I'm so sorry to be a burden," she whimpered.

"It's our burden. We're a family and we help each other." And that was it, Octavia realized that he understood. She clung to Nick and started to weep again.

"Porter Strongback... I still remember how my heart leaped the day we met," and their lips met in a sweet, long kiss.

"Mine still leaps every time I see Façade Incognito smile at me."

"Mmmm, wait until you see what you get for Hogswatch... now don't watch while I pee! Just hold my hand so I don't fall."

When they returned to the throne, there were six men there and Sundrop was explaining to them how Nick and Octavia were escaping a tyrant. After a lot of chatter and investigating the couch, four of the men departed for the village but soon returned with wood, saws, and a hammer. Some brought large gourds, and another brought a basket. With a lot of chatter and laughter, the men built removable side rails out of some scraps of lumber. The gourds were hollowed out, dried and filled with water, and the basket they brought was full of rice balls and fruit.

Nick and Octavia bowed deeply and said thank you. "They know who you are," whispered Sundrop.

"How did they find out?" Nick was a bit worried that they would know him in a tiny village a day's walk from Hunghung.

"There's only two hublanders in Central Agatea. They also believe you're the Viimane Päkapikk."

"What is a Viimane Päkapikk?" demanded Nick.

"It's the elf that's not an elf, the last elf." To Nick's confused look, the fairy explained, "You are a human that practices elf magic."

By now several women, young and old, had arrived and were running their hands over Octavia's tummy, making jokes she couldn't understand. "What are they saying?" asked the expectant mother.

"Mostly they're saying that this is the first of many, but they want to know you keep your skin so soft."

"Soldiers approaching on horseback," said Virga and soon everyone started saying, "Go, go!"

"Sundrop, what should I give them? I want to thank them," said Nick.

"Don't give them anything. If the soldiers find it, they'll be killed."

"Let's go," said Nick, "everyone aboard." The fairies made a beeline to their box and Octavia lay down on the couch. The men put the wooden rails on each side so there's no way she could roll out, then they started packing in the basket and the gourds full of water around her and she was pretty snug. "Let's get out of this country," said Nick. He "shoo'd" everyone away, then standing at the end of Octavia's throne he smiled and blew her a kiss. "No worries mate!" and the familiar golden dragon was standing there. He crouched over the throne, got a solid grasp of all four corners and with a tremendous beat of the wings, they were off.

"You gained some weight, girl!" was the thought that came into her head.

"It's all this water. Are you able to hold me?"

"My talons all lock in place somehow, but I feel the weight change in my wings."

"Show me what you see," she asked.

"Ok just be careful you don't lose your grip on yourself." Suddenly, she could see what Nick was seeing... the Agatean Empire spread out before her for thousands of miles. She could see the grasslands stretching off to her right, as far as the eye could see. She saw the enormous beasts that roam the lands, the beefalos and the camelots. To her left were the mountains rising high above them. The mountain goats watched from miles away as they glided along. Looking straight ahead, far, far off in the distance, she could see the sea glittering and she knew that's where they were headed. Suddenly, she felt a sinking feeling in her belly, and it scared her. "What was that?"

"Some air just pushed us up higher. It happens all the time. Just relax, take a nap."

She watched some more; the scenes didn't change, but now and then something would grab her attention like a flash of light. "What is that?"

"I don't know, something a dragon would be interested in, like a potential adversary, or something. I will avoid them for now and maybe check it out some other day. Let's just go."

"Porter?"

Nick smiled; she hasn't called him that in a long time. "Yes, m'lady?"

"Take me home."

"Yes, m'lady."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Throne Room, Lancre Castle, Lancre

"Your highness? You wanted to keep in touch with everything that happened on the Agatean mainland."

King Verance II, King of Lancre and Nick's Liege lord, opened one eye and saw that it was Lord Baltimore, his head of intelligence. The king had been listening to an instrumental performance of the Hog Cracker Suite. He was hoping to get some Hogswatch Day holiday spirit going in the old castle, but Ning's behavior has ruined the holiday spirit. "Excuse us, but could everyone please take a break? We need ten minutes." The decorating committee left for a hot cuppa while Queen Magrat approached the throne with trepidation.

Lord Baltimore seems to have agents everywhere and they can get information back to Lord Baltimore fast, very fast. When asked by the king how that was possible, Lord Baltimore gave an explanation that went like this. "In four weeks' time, we will receive information from distant shores that would be of vital importance now. We have wizards in my office that will simply take that information and send it back to themselves four weeks previously and give it to me. I'm relaying to you old news that we got next month."

Now his time dilating wizards are invaluable. "Sire, my agents report that war has broken out in the Agatean empire," began Lord Baltimore. "At approximately ten fifteen AM this morning, our time the government split with one faction demanding that the Shi Pha constitution be ratified and put in place. This faction is being led by Ning, who sees herself as the next Grand Vizir. The other faction claims that the Hau Chung constitution is still in place and must be obeyed, and this faction is being run by an eighty-year-old eunuch named Lung Mist and the seven-year heir to the throne, Jia."

"Oh, merciful lords," groaned Verance.

"It gets worse, m'lord."

"How?"

"At the same time the government was disintegrating, four boatloads of mercenaries landed in Hunghung, came ashore and began looting in the industrial sector of Hunghung."

Verance shook his head. Hunghung is in the middle of the continent. The pirates could sail that far inland without being caught? Don't they have a Navy or Coast Guard? Then again, one must mention the huge Oliphant that is in the room, "What about the Army? Who are they loyal to?"

Lord Baltimore flipped through his notes, "They claim to be loyal to the emperor his grace Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein and await his orders."

"And where are the Duke and Duchess of Wægn?"

"They seemed to have slipped out when the palace caught fire."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Unknown Location

Nick was exhausted. They've been flying for 16 hours with only the occasional pee break to break the monotony of flying. Just after sunset they set down and as Octavia got up from the throne, the dragon flew off! She cried out in shock, but the fairies fluttered around her, telling her, "The dragon is hungry."

The dragon came back and Octavia got the distinct mental image of the dragon hunting down a wild horse, then slaking its thirst in a nearby river. The images overwhelmed and scared Octavia but the dragon's overwhelming desire was to return and protect her and soon they were back in the air.

It was dark, and it was getting cold, so they started flying lower. Nick was reassuring her as they flew gently, continually heading turn-wise, staying ahead of any pursuit. Octavia's contractions started coming regularly and the intensity of each one was getting stronger. "We have to stop," cried out Octavia as a tremendous contraction overwhelmed her. She almost doubled over, but her forehead hit the dragon's armored belly.

"I'm looking for a place to land," whispered Nick. Dragons have great night vision; their night vision is almost as good as human day vision, but they were flying over hundreds of square miles of thick bamboo forest with no openings.

Nick's artificial left eye works the same way when he's in his human body, which is great. It saves on candles. "This is the only place I can find."

"I. DON'T. CARE!"

Flapping his wings like a hummingbird, Nick eased down into the bamboo forest, shoving the flexible stems aside. Once down, the dragon made a clearing by tearing up plants, braking and crushing bamboo, trying to create a flat place for them to stay. Huge dragon claws scraped away broken bamboo until the soft, leaf covered earth was exposed. Then Nick's gentle hands spread out sheets and blankets on the couch and Octavia lay back down. "Virga, could we get some light? Soft like a candle?"

"Yes, Nick." The head of their walking stick started glowing, lighting up the dense bamboo forest around them.

"Virga! You called me Nick!"

"It's Hogswatch sir. 'tis the season."

"Actually, it's not for a couple of weeks. You're just getting misty, aren't you?" Nick bantered with Virga, but his attention was to his wife, who was in so much pain, so afraid. She wanted her mother more than anything, but her mother gave her to an orangutan 25 years ago. "Look in my eyes, honey, look." When she finally made eye contact, he said, "I'm not going to lie to you. You and the baby are in good shape. We're not going to have any problems."

"What if we do?"

"Then we fix it, simple as that."

"Why am I naked?"

"Because it's hot, it's muggy, and in just a couple of minutes, a handsome young man is going to want to hug you and he doesn't want clothes in the way." Nick washed his hands and checked her dilation again, and he could feel the top of his son's head. "He's almost here."

The fairies started chanting, "Almost here! Almost here! Almost here!"

"Sing something relaxing, can you girls?"

The next series of contractions seemed to run into each other for Octavia, and Nick kept encouraging her, "Deep breaths! I can see his head!" Excitement shot through Nick and the crown of his son's head was visible. "He's almost here! He has your hair!"

Through the veil of pain, she heard Nick call, "this is the one! Pushpushpushpush!" and suddenly he was out! Now Nick seemed to be doing a million things at once and Octavia was too tired to watch and see what he was up to. All she knew was the pain was over.

Octavia tried to get up on her elbows and see what was going on. Why isn't Nick talking to her? Why doesn't she hear the baby? Then about that time the baby started squalling a high pitched squeaky cry of indignation. Nick has seen fifteen babies in his life and none has been so precious, so beautiful as this tiny boy that was curling up in his hands. Everything has been worth it, every moment of pain, every day of hard, backbreaking work preparing a home for this one tiny child has been worth it. "Marlon, let's go meet your mommy."

Nick laid a tiny naked wonder on Octavia's chest that stopped crying and started looking around. His big blue eyes like his daddy's eyes sought her out, and he smiled... "He's smiling at me! ... he looks just like you!" Thousands of miles away and twenty years after they were abandoned by their parents, two orphans tearfully welcomed the living personification of their love into the world.

Laughing and crying as they kissed and stared at this tiny marvel that looked up at them with a huge, open-mouthed smile. Normally a witch would say, "He's too young to smile," but Nick held Octavia and son and said, "Yes, he is smiling. He loves you... Ok, I have to clean up."

Nick cleaned up everything, making sure there were clean blankets and sheets available. Then he crouched over and gently scooped up Octavia, swapped out sheets and lay her back on the throne. He gazed at the two most important human beings on the disc, then finished the cleanup and sagged to the ground next to her. This crazy day has worn him out, and even though he wanted nothing more to gaze at his family, his eyelids started to sag. Octavia started to drop off to sleep herself and she rousted herself. She blearily said, "Take the baby and the fairies and walk about twenty feet away. I need to do something."

Wrapping the baby in a blanket, Nick scooped up Marlon and very carefully stepping off the paces he and the fairies moved away from Octavia. Nick said, "Ok, do it."

There was a series of thundering flashes around Octavia. Colored flashes lit up the bamboo and puffs of smoke filled the air, and once she stopped, a small cottage stood in the clearing that she created. Entering the cottage, they found Octavia propped up in a large comfortable bed with a cup of tea in her hand. "Gods, I missed doing magic."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Airborne

Octavia and Marlon rested for several days. After 12 hours of sleep, Nick was circling high above the cottage in the body of an eagle looking far and wide for threats and food. Several times, he flew for hours to find something and ended up with fish quite often. This must be good territory because several other eagles challenged him for the rights to hunt in his area. Those other eagles were devoured by a dragon who also needed food. Nick would drop his catch on the roof of the cottage, and Octavia would use her kitchen magic to turn whatever he caught into a meal for them. "Are you two able to do some flying?" Nick asked Octavia.

"Maybe flight will rock him to sleep," said Octavia. She looked down at her breast and saw a tiny face looking back up at her. It gave her such a look of love and trust, just like his father did when she offered him a job so long ago... "Let's do it." Octavia and the baby settled on the couch and Nick made sure his family was secure. Then, with a small magical pop, the roof and walls of the cottage disappeared. "Everyone ready Sundrop?"

"We're ready!" came his voice from Octavia's shopping bag. The female fairies haven't been around at all. They all went into hiding after watching Marlon's birth. The sight of the birth terrified them, and they were afraid that Nick would make them do the same thing.

With the beat of dragon wings, they were off, and in two hours, they were flying out over the sea. "You need to give me a lot of warning. If you need me to land, I will have to find an island."

This was truly nice for Nick; he had his entire family clutched to his chest, and he was gently soaring from one island to the next, mentally conversing with Octavia the whole time. She gave him updates every time the little guy moved and told him stories of her growing up in different families. In return, Nick showed her the islands they were passing over. Some were tiny spots on the water, others were quite large. Some had live volcanos, and some disappeared when the tide came up.

They followed the chain of Islands between the Agatean coast and XXXX, and as they flew Nick would tell Octavia how far away the next island was. She held on to it as long as she could until she begged to be put on the ground. "I'm sorry, but I really have to go and I have to change the baby."

"That's ok, that was a long stretch," came Nick's reassuring words into her mind.

They did several hops like that until at sunset an exhausted Nick settled down on his own volition. As the throne touched the ground, he said, "We're free from Agatea. Welcome to Four Ecks."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Bugarup University, XXXX

XXXX, or alternately spelled xxxx {but never Xxxx} pronounced "EcksEcksEcksEcks" or "Fourecks" is a wide open rollicking continent evenly spaced between the Agatean empire, and a lot of water. While the rest of the disk is millions of years old, XXXX has only existed for the past 30,000 years, but when it was created, they made it to look millions of years old. XXXX is also called the Terror Incognita because almost all animals and plants on XXXX want to kill you.

There is an evil creature in XXXX, evil beyond evil, and it's called the dingaroo. Picture a cute pink and white long eared, cotton tail bunny that is seven feet tall with six inch long fangs and has one of your limbs stuffed into its pouch "for later." One of those darlings cost Nick his left eye, and now Nick is a 50 foot long dragon roaring over the XXXX desert looking for a pack of dingaroos. His swooping and turning as he chased the monsters rocked the baby to sleep, but they were losing time. "Let's go see Bruce!" called Octavia.

"Ok," said Nick with a sigh. He was starting to get good at slapping Dingaroos in the head with his tail as they rocketed past, even though a few survived. Nick gained as much altitude as he dared and saw their target far off into the distance and locking his wings, preparing for one long final glide. "We're going home, baby."

Bugarup University is the top school for wizards in XXXX and is the top {actually only} higher-education institution on the continent of XXXX. The institution is unique in that the sound of a beer can opening is the signal that class is about to end... or begin.

Bruce Dinkum, Master Librarian, cleaned the dust off the university library windowsills and neon beer signs as a sudden gust started blowing through the university quad. Hats, books, and underclassmen were blown around as a huge golden dragon landed right in front of the Library. Bruce watched in amusement as the Dragon became an old friend and he helped another friend off the couch he just deposited on the front walk.

Nick scooped up the shopping bag, the food basket, the water gourds and as many blankets and sheets as he could gather and followed Octavia into the library. "G'day mate! What is it this time?" As usual, Bruce Dinkum was tending bar, which was the most important part of being the head librarian at Bugarup University.

"Same old, same old. How ya doin' mate?" said Nick as he shook hands with Bruce, then accepted the beer Bruce offered. It was still early; class was in session, which means the only people in the library drinking were administrators.

"Well, where were y'at this time? Yer father-in-law was in and out of here a dozen times, demanding news and bananas."

"We were in Hunghung."

"Bloody hell, Nick, you walked all the way from Hunghung. This is the third time for that."

"They had to carry me last time. She shot off my foot."

"And a damn fine shot it was!" said Bruce.

"I'd like ya to meet the newest member of the family," Octavia uncovered Marlon's face, but the little lad was asleep.

"What a heartbreaker. Where did you find him?"

"On the way here," said Nick. "Just about a sixteen hour flight out of Hunghung."

Octavia leaned on Nick's shoulder and said, "He took a peek between my legs and there he was." She gently, lovingly, eased the beer out of her husband's hand and drank every remaining drop.

"Look, we have to get going. We've been gone for weeks and we both want to sleep in our own bed. Let's do something for Hogswatch," said Nick as they shook hands.

"What about that couch you left on the lawn?"

"Oh. That. That is the ancient and honorable throne of the Agatean Empire. They may be along later to pick it up... or I might."

"You stole the emperor's throne?" shouted Bruce.

"Ta!" And with that Octavia led Nick into the recesses of L-Space and exited in their bookstore.

It was bitterly cold, and the fairies were shivering in their box, even though it was wrapped in a blanket. They wrapped Marlon up in several light blankets, then went outside to buckle Nick up to the Ralli cart, but it wasn't there. Instead of a Ralli cart, there was a sleigh waiting in their spot. They looked at each other and shrugged and Nick stepped between the traces of the beautiful white sleigh with red trim. A huge white vermine blanket lay on the seat and it looked so inviting. With a smile, Nick became a large black quarter horse.

"Pretty! I like this one!" said Octavia.

Nick's words, "I haven't done the quarter horse thing in a long time," eased into her mind, making Octavia smile as she got Nick buckled in.

"Let me go get the babies." She ducked into the bookstore and came back out with the shopping bag containing the fairies and gold, and Marlon. Soon everyone was in and seated and ready for the Last Mile of their journey. With a cluck of the tongue, they were off.

"Where are we going?" asked Nick as she pulled the reins away from the turn toward the cottage.

"It's early. I've never been here in the snow. It's a pretty night and we have a new toy... let's see some high stepping!"

The Worblehat-Stein family trotted up and down Main Street of Creel Springs amazed at the smooth and silent ride you get from a sleigh. They did three lengths of the tiny village when Octavia said, "Are you ready to go home?"

Without being prompted, Nick whinnied and turned up Nana Peacock's driveway and trotted the entire trip to the cottage. As they came into the clearing, they could see their cottage lit up with a candle in every window. "Candlelight! Our house looks so good in candlelight!" As a horse. Nick's vision was not designed to appreciate beauty but to spot predators, so they stopped the sleigh, set the brake and stepped back to admire the thatched roof cottage, a wisp of smoke coming out of the chimney and a candle in each window.

"Let's go home," prompted Nick as he kissed the chilly Mrs. Worblehat-Stein.

"Let's do," she agreed, and they happily climbed the steps as Axemir opened the door from the inside.

"Welcome home!" boomed the dwarves basso profundo voice which caused a hail of squawking and wailing from under the bundle that Octavia carried so close to her breast. "Oh! I'm so sorry," the dwarf said. "I did not know!"

"Oh, you tunnel ape," hissed Eryri, a female dwarf, but this late in the evening she let her hair down and unbraided her beard. "Let me see the little fellow, there, there, such a brave thing! Did you see any dingaroos? Your daddy loves them."

"I was able to pet about seven of them," said Nick.

Swaddled tightly, Marlon seemed amused at Eyrir's beard, but his little eyes were getting droopy. Nick and Octavia sat in the love seat with Nick holding the baby while Axemir and Eryri sat in rocking chairs opposite. After tea was poured, Axemir said, "So... how was Hunghung? Was the weather nice?" which earned him an elbow from Eryri, "And how was the old guy Lip sink? Was that his name?"

"I'm over them. But I like Lung Mist. I hope he does well."

"Where's my Ralli cart?" snapped Octavia, woe be to whoever nicked her Ralli cart.

"It's in the barn. Don't worry, Mister Trei thought that you would like the sleigh when you get back." Then Axemir picked up a pad of paper and read the notes for Nick. "You have a Hogs Watch shopping and luncheon and debriefing at Lancre Castle tomorrow, the king highly suggests attending. Octavia, On Hogs Watch eve you need to pick up your father at the train station in Hot Dang. Hogs Watch day dinner will be at the castle."

Nick fought his way awake and said, "I'm sorry, it's been a rough trip."

Wordlessly Octavia stood up and said, "Good night" and took the baby out of Nick's arms, then climbed upstairs. As she reached the top of the stairs, she called, "Let the fairies out before you come to bed."

"We're out!" chimed the fairies on the mantle over the fireplace. But muffled noises from Octavia's shopping bag reminded Nick of the quartet wrapped up against the cold in her bag. As he let them out to meet their new friends, Nick turned to Axemir and Eryri and hugged them both. "Thank you." He whispered hoarsely.

"Tough trip?"

"It got better when Octavia could make some magic, we left a trail of cottages from Hunghung to Bugarup, but it was terrifying, and it was tedious, and I'm going to go sleep in a proper bed for the first time in weeks. Thank you for being here for us," and he guided the dwarves to the door, then drew the shades.

Nick still feels gritty from crossing XXXX, the dust there gets everywhere, he needs to wash up. He pumped a large pot full of water and placed it on the stove, then put a large bucket on the floor, large enough that two people could stand in it.

Octavia heard the pumping and tucked Marlon into his bassinet and headed downstairs and appeared at Nick's side. "Bath night?" Nick nodded, and she sighed, clutched the full pot, and held it until the temperature was just right. "I love bath night." By the light of one candle and eight curious fairies, they began to undress each other. Being naked first, Octavia got to stand in the pan while Nick washed her body from head to toe, rinsing off the soapy water with a dipper of clear hot water. As he began to wash her breasts, she pushed his hands away. "Easy, let me get the special bits. I'm recovering from our hungry, hungry monster."

"I love our hungry, hungry monster." And with a playful swat on the butt, they changed places and Octavia began washing Nick.

"You got some nasty scratches. What happened?"

"Not sure, probably looking for food." Nick had become adept at finding edible roots and veggies in the field. Which he did several times before they got to XXXX. There's nothing like that on XXXX. Most of the time, he changed to a bird form and plucked fish out of the ocean. Several fish plucked back.

When she got down to washing his cock she could only get it half hard at best. "Not me tonight either," said Nick with a yawn.

Together they dumped the drip pan down the kitchen sink then washed out the kitchen sink with the remaining hot water then scrambled naked through the cooling house to bed where they curled up together and slept like rocks for the next three hours.

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The next morning after chores and cleanup, Octavia buckled Nick as a quarter horse into the traces of the new sleigh and he pulled Octavia and Marlon into the village where he parked the sleigh next to the bookstore and they went in to check the mail. Nick hung a sign on the door that said, "Classes Resume after the holidays. See you on Offle 1, Year of the Sputtering Quail." Then they walked next door to the Black Smith Shop where Trei Metzgar stood grinning. "Oh, there you are! Come for the horse?"

"What horse?"

"That sleigh and horse are a gift, kind of early Hogs Watch and congratulations on the boy..." Trei's wife came out to take a peek at the tiny boy and sat in the Sleigh next to Octavia. "Let's go get that horse of yours."

"As duke, I don't know if I'm allowed to accept a gift like this," said Nick. He has a one ounce gold ingot for shopping. He could buy a fairly good horse for that.

"If the king gives you a sleigh and a hose, you're allowed," said Trei as he led a black and tan standardbred mare out to the daylight. "Her name is Trixie. She's a two years old and she's really gentle and she'll take to the saddle as well." He backed Trixie into the traces and Trei taught Nick how to buckle the horse in. "Oh, and you need this," he placed a collar of bells over Trixi's neck. "Horse and sled can be so quiet you can't hear them coming, so when there's snow on the street, there are bells on the horses. King's law."

"I didn't want to get a sleigh because I thought they were frivolous," said Nick as he climbed in and grabbed the reins. "How many months in the year can I use this sleigh for?"

"About six," said Trei as he and his wife stepped back. Nick was excited, he only gets to do this with Dave the mule, Octavia gets the horses. He clucked his tongue and snapped the buggy whip, and they were off. It was so good riding together, the three of them huddling for warmth under the heavy blanket. They must have kissed every time a snowflake hit Trixie.

"We need warmer coats if we're going to live here for the next six decades," said Octavia as she checked on Marlon for the eleventh time.

"Is there some place that you'd rather be?"

"I want to be wherever you take me."

From the top of the pass on Breeders Peak they could look down on the entirety of the Duchy of Wægn, from widdershins to turnwise the entire valley was laid out below them. The borders of the farms and the roads and paths were hidden under the snow, but it looked peaceful. "I like it here," Octavia finally said as the snow spiraled down again.

"Good, because I think I'll keep it," grinned Nick and with a flick of the reins, they were heading down into the Valley of Lancre.

The snow was coming down heavily by the time they reached the castle and Lancre town truly had the holiday feel to it. Shoppers from all over the kingdom were strolling from shop to shop, carolers on corners, a hot cider stand had a small band playing and the jingling of Trixie's bells made the young family happy they accepted Nana Partridges invitation to live there which seemed so long ago. When Nick reached the castle, it was such a joy to stay with his wife and turn Trixie over to the footmen who whisked her away to the stables. Every previous time, it was Nick, ending up in the stables.

Inside the castle, the holiday decor was glorious. "Right this way," said Harold Lorechestershire the Hereld, and he led Nick and Octavia through the castle they've been in and out of for the past year. As they turned the corner, Herald led them to the formal dining room and stopped. The room was packed with dignitaries from all over the kingdom, and when the king looked up from the head of the table and smiled, everyone turned to look at them.

"Why are they all smiling?" whispered Nick. "I usually piss them all off."

"It's what you do best."

Nick and Octavia stood in the doorway elbowing each other until Harold announced, "Your highness may I present their grace, the Duke and Duchess of Wægn, Pommeraie de la Montesquieu and Octavia Worblehat-Stein and son Marlon."

They slowly walked up the full length of the table while everyone applauded them. They went all the way to the head of the table and Nick let Octavia sit next to the queen so she could fawn over Marlon. "It sounds like you had quite a harrowing journey," said King Verance.

"I've had worse," said Nick. "I was just glad for the company." Harold whisked away their coats and hats while Octavia sat next to Queen Magrat ruining her boy-girl-boy-girl seating arrangement, but there was a newborn to be coddled.

After the meal was completed and the business of the kingdom was taken care of and next year's tax burden distributed, Nick finally got the King alone for a moment and asked, "Do you know where the and sleigh I was given came from?"

"Oh, that? That was a bribe from the Prime Minister of the Agatean empire Mister Lung Mist, hoping to sway your heart to continue teaching the future emperor."

"We will consider it, your highness," said Octavia, "But if you will excuse us, the Duke has a wedding ceremony to conduct. We will be in Lancre Town again tomorrow."

"I do?"

"Yes, you do. I was asked if you would do it this morning."

"Let's go then."

This time it was Octavia's turn to drive, and the snow continued to make the ride smooth and quick. Trixie was a high-stepping horse who loved the trip, regardless of the steep climbs and the winds at Breeders Peak summit. Trixie reached speeds on those snowy mountain roads that terrified Nick, but Octavia grinned with joy as her raven tresses waved in the wind.

Finally, they reached their farm and Octavia left, leaving putting Trixie and the sleigh away to Nick. Luckily, a large pasture had been fenced off so Trixie can go commiserate with the sheep as Nick and Dexter shoved the sleigh into the barn.

Finally, Nick stepped into his cottage and hung up his coat and said, "Where is our anxious young couple that desires to be married?" He turned and saw Axemir and Eryri standing hand in hand, smiling nervously.

"That would be us."