- a continuing celebration of -

Fifty Years of Pratchett

© 2023 Duleigh Lawrence-Townshend. All rights reserved. The author asserts the right to be identified as the author of this story for all portions not previously copyrighted by Terry Pratchett. This story or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a review or commentary. If you see this story on any website other than Literotica.com, it has been copied without the author's permission.

This is a work of love, a fan fiction. Many of these characters are the creation of Sir Terry Pratchett, as is the multiverse in which they live. If you would like to find out which of these characters is or is not a creation of Terry please contact this author. This tale was not written to steal the fame that Sir Terry rightfully earned, but to enjoy one more romp in the shadow of Cori Celesti and remind the world of what we lost on March 12, 2015.

"One day I'll be dead and THEN you'll all be sorry."

- Terry Pratchett, 28 Nov 1992 on alt.fan.pratchett

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ENCHANTRESS

The Warrior Duchess

{With parenthetical annotations}

Prologue: In our Previous Story a young man named Pommeraie de la Montesquieu "Nick" Stein {He was named after a type of cheese. His nick name Nick comes from his previous job where he was hired to steal bricks} was hired by Octavia Worblehat to assist her in her next big project. Octavia is a trained Senior Master Librarian and fully qualified wizard and earned a doctorate in Multi-theistic Amphibology before returning to her home 16 years in her past where she occasionally bumps into her 8 year old self. She returned home and hired Nick to help her save the Discworld and eight other discworlds from entire annihilation.

Along the way, Nick loses an eye, but gains enough magical energy to become a witch, and they settle down in a small mountain town to live out their days in peace and quiet. However, the couple has the discworld in a turmoil, on the discworld women are witches, men are wizards and no one accepts them in their reversed roles except the people that know them.

However, Octavia is not a wizard, she's an enchantress, and it's not the same thing. This distinction is something the discworld is about to discover.

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She approaches, the Queen of the Interstellar Pathways, watch in awe as she swims into view, Great A'Tuin, the grandest of the giant Star Turtles (Chelys galactica), enormous and magnificent. She swims through the multiverse following migratory paths that were written into her genome by the greatest prankster of all, The Creator. Free of the drag of her children she is hungry and now she is hunting. Her eyes, each the size of a sea, look forward to a destination known only to her. She possesses a brain the size of a small planet that moves at a speed that makes glaciers look downright spry. Her immense flippers propel her through the nothingness that is open space with massive strokes that take generations to complete. Her carapace is frosted with frozen methane, scarred with meteor craters, and coated with the intergalactic dust of eons of travel.

On her back stand four tremendous elephants, Berilia, Tubul, Great T'Phon, and Jerakeen, the World Elephants (Elephantidae Kosmosea). Tail to tail they stand patiently watching the stars drift by as they bear the weight of the world on their shoulders. As we watch, Berilia must raise one of her feet to give the tiny sun that orbits the disc room to pass beneath him.

Ten thousand miles in diameter the discworld is the marvel of the multiverse, around the circumference of the disk is the eternal waterfall that is the Rimfall. At the center of the discworld is the hub, a mountain that stands ten miles in height, the name of the peak is Cori Celesti, which at the top is the palace complex named Dunmanifestin, the home of the Disc's many gods. Most of them are completely mad. {the rest are utterly mad}

On the disc, the hard working honest citizens of the different principalities, kingdoms, fiefdoms, countries, and empires sleep hoping that their place of employment still requires their labor in the morning. It's late, the tiny moon rules the sky and the night shift now rules the disc. In the desert kingdom of Djelibeybi the followers of the sun god Cephnet surround the temple of the competing sun god Thrrp and crouch, waiting, and sharpening their knives. Come sunrise the true sun god will be crowned. Meanwhile the followers of Thrrp won't be there to defend their temple as they're too busy preparing their attack on the temple of Cephnet. {In the Djelibeybi pantheon the supreme god Ptooie makes banged grains {discworld popcorn} for his guests, the gods Net, Set, Sot, and Orexis-Nupt. The show starts at sunrise}

In Ankh-Morpork the oldest city on the discworld the night shift is in full swing, murderers, thieves, assassins, rapists, muggers, buggerers and night soil salesmen are out in force working hard to fill their quotas. As they labor, in the former Palace of the Seventeen Kings, now known as The Patrician's Palace, the ruler of the city, the Patrician Havelock Vetinari was puzzling over a dilemma. A young, good-looking couple, both Ankh-Morpork born and raised, just saved the world, just saved nine worlds so Political Hay must be made. The problem was that they now reportedly live in the Kingdom of Lancre and have disappeared from sight, so now the question arises, how does Ankh-Morpork profit from all of their hard work and sacrifice? He took quill in hand and scratched out a few ideas, signed a few execution orders and filled out a request for the assassin's guild, then called for his secretary...

In the tiny mountain kingdom of Lancre there rests the small village of Bad Ass {named for a stubborn mule} and in a small steading outside of the village, in the ancient cabin lies the body of Esmirelda Weatherwax. She's not dead, in fact in her cold hands is clutched a handwritten sign that says "I ATE'NT DEAD"

She truly was not dead, she was borrowing. Borrowing is a magical technique used almost exclusively by witches {because most wizards think it's lame and refuse to try} where a witch leaves her body behind in a deep, deep sleep and enters the mind of an animal and tonight Granny was in an owl. Borrowing is the art of convincing an animal to allow your conscience into its mind, and then gently steering it, convincing it to go where you want, and do what you want without losing connection to your own mind when the exercise is over.

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In the tiny Lancre mountain village of Creel Springs, Nick Stein dreamed that he awoke hungry and thirsty, and he found himself back on a tiny island where there was nothing to eat or drink, the only thing on the island with him was Death. And Death was reclining in a wood and canvas beach lounger wearing black shrouds and sandals and was reading the Sunday Times. "THREE TIMES LUCKY, I AM IMPRESSED," said the Anthropomorphic Personification of Death.

Nick shuddered thinking of his recent near brushes with death, he was stomped bloody by a flock of stampeding sheep, then he was almost eaten by a dingaroo, then most recently he was almost swallowed by a planet eating beast. Only his ability to change forms through the magic of Vanemate Rasside Jõud, an ancient book of power saved his life. "I'm not a wizard, why am I seeing you?" gasped Nick as he spit sand out of his mouth and tried to drag his aching body toward the water line to maybe rinse the sand out with salt water. He didn't need to do that, because as the sun rose, the island was disappearing under the rising tide, the water line would soon come to him.

Without looking up from his paper, Death said, "YOU ARE A WITCH, A HEALER. WE WILL BE COMPETING AGAINST EACH OTHER FOR THE LIVES OF YOUR PATIENTS."

"I can't be a witch, I'm a male."

Death turned the page to the sports scores. "IT'S YOUR FATE, THAT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY."

As Nick considered what Death just said he weakly spit sand out of his mouth, "Gods am I thirsty."

"NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF A THIRSTY SHARK," said Death as he began to fold up his newspaper.

"That was very nice of you to suggest that, thank you," said Nick as he dragged himself to the waterline. Why didn't he think of that?

"LET US CALL IT PROFESSIONAL COURTESY," said Death as Nick pulled himself into the water. There was a flash of octarine light and the kick of a shark's tail and the sandy spit of land was empty again...

With a stifled shriek of terror Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Stein, known to everybody as "Nick" woke up in his bed, his body soaked in sweat, breathing heavy, and his nerves jittery and on edge. The love of his life, Dr. Octavia Worblehat-Stein, SML {Senior Master Librarian} lay naked next to him, a satisfied smile still gracing those perfect lips. Full, round breasts, large nipples when erect, trim, narrow waist and round hips with a perfectly sculpted ass. Nick still has no idea where she looks more beautiful, in sunlight, or starlight, candlelight, or moonlight. Nick and Octavia are the most unique couple in the Ramtop Mountains, and probably on the entire discworld. A wizard married to a witch, that's something that hasn't happened in 300 years, but what makes it unique is that he is the Witch, and she is the Wizard, that has never happened. Ever.

Anyone who has spent more than a mayfly's lifespan on the discworld knows that the concept of a male witch and a female wizard is heretical at best, insane at least. The wizards would never go for it! a woman wizard? Unheard of! But technically Octavia Stein is no longer a wizard even though she trained for it and was certified at a leading school of witches and wizards off of the discworld, on the discworld since the minute she saw Nick she became an Enchantress. She doesn't carry a staff, she doesn't wear a pointy hat {unless the occasion requires it} in fact she doesn't wear much, and to those that she enchants, it appears like she isn't wearing anything. Happily, the only man she has enchanted is now her husband.

As for Nick, he was never truly a wizard, he never trained for it, but twenty years of soaking up magical radiation when he lived next to the Unseen University and ate out of their trash cans gave him more magical ability than most wizards that graduate from university will ever achieve. {As his wife likes to say, "He's magically well endowed."} All he needed was training. As he recovered from his injuries, Octavia's walking stick transferred all of Octavia's magical knowledge and training to him. Bugarup University gave Nick a certificate of graduation from the College of Hard Knocks after surviving a vicious attack by a pack of Dingaroos in the bush on the continent of XXXX but that was almost a joke, a "Congratulations for not Dying Mate!" He had learned to repair old books and one of those books was so grateful that it empowered Nick with the powers of the long forgotten elder races allowing him to change form to any creature that he has studied and as he works at his bookstore he has learned medicine and now is considered a witch by people more important than Death, his neighbors.

As Nick gazed at his beautiful wife, a sudden noise startled him, this wasn't the noise an old cottage makes as the temperature changes and the wooden beams find newer and better ways to hold on to each other, this was the sound of someone clearing their throat. Nick whirled and there in the corner was Death seated in his wife's rocking chair. "No," was the only thing Nick could say, then finally, "Dear Gods no, you promised!"

"I AM NOT HERE FOR YOU OR YOUR WIFE. THERE IS ONE OTHER." His voice boomed like the blast of a trombone in each ear, yet at the same time was as quiet as sands shifting in a long forgotten desert tomb. Death held a hand that was nothing but bones over Octavia and a tiny point of octarine light, the color of magic, {octarine is described as a greenish yellow/purple which ends up being a disappointing shade of blue. Luckily it can only be seen by wizards, witches, and cats} gently traveled from Octavia to Death's hand leaving a slim trail of octarine light in its wake. Then Death took a tiny version of his scythe which was honed so sharp that the air molecules that were unlucky enough to hit the edge of the blade sparked as they were split apart and he cut the trail from the tiny pencil point of light to Octavia; Death took their baby.

"Why?" gasped Nick.

"IT IS SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS WITH FIRST TIME PARENTS; IT WILL NOT AFFECT FUTURE PREGNANCIES."

"How many more times will you take a family member from me?" whispered the anguished Witch.

"I WILL NOT TAKE YOUR WIFE OR ANY CHILDREN FROM YOU DURING YOUR LIFETIME," and with that Death slowly faded away. He told the truth, but he didn't fully answer the question. Nick placed his hand on his wife's lower abdomen and the tiny, vibrant spot of life that they enjoyed watching grow stronger was gone. Nick felt a soul clenching sorrow for a son or daughter that he never met, and he felt that he had to do something... anything to eclipse that sorrow.

Shaken by the dream of his last near Death encounter {Death insists that he's the one that had a near Nick encounter} followed by the loss of his child Nick got out of bed quietly and made his way downstairs. He decided to leave Octavia asleep and talk with her when she wakes.

He stepped out on the porch, his entire body shaking, and when the cool evening breeze touched his sweat dampened skin he shook even harder. "Who did death want?" asked a voice from down by his shin.

"The baby," was all Nick could say. He could tell it was true by the pain in his heart.

"You need to go for a run," said Gaspode. "It's the only thing that will help." {Actually, there were a number of things that would help, but Gaspode was keenly aware of Nick's financial status.}

Nick stepped off the porch and the moment his feet touched the cool, damp grass he realized that his dog was right and with a puff of octarine light Nick became a Ramtop red deer and he took a few steps. "Ready? Set?" Suddenly Gaspode flashed past him. "You bitch," and Nick broke into a run and tried to catch up with his friend.

{Back in the spring Nick used some of the librarian skills that Octavia taught him and "rescued" an ancient book of power. It was in horrible condition because nobody could read it so one of the most powerful books on the disk was used as a trivet for the library tea pot. The book was written in the language of the Mountain Ergonians, the last Elven race on discworld before the elves were driven off in The War of the United Clans. The book was lost to history and forgotten just like the elves, only the book remains, it was the Vanemate Rasside Jõud, "The Power of the Elder Races." The book wasn't about the power of the elder races, the book contained the power of the elder races, and its feelings of gratitude to Nick showed no bounds, and it gladly gave Nick that power. It doesn't always matter if you can read a book, because a book this powerful can read you.

When Archchancellor Henry, the Archchancellor of Brazeneck College in Pseudopolis attacked Octavia, Nick had his hand on the Vanemate Rasside Jõud which he had just finished repairing and the grateful book gifted Nick with its power and Nick convinced Archchancellor Henry to leave Octavia alone by transforming into a seven foot tall dingaroo and threatening to bite off Henry's head}

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Drifting over the tiny backwoods mountain kingdom of Lancre, Granny Weatherwax borrowing an owl's body was looking at the citizens as they slept looking to see if anyone needs the assistance of a witch or was having fun that she didn't approve of. As she swept over an open field she saw a dog chasing a hart, a Ramtop Mountain Red Deer buck with a huge rack of antlers. The dog barked and nipped at the hart and occasionally the hart would stop and lower his antlers at the dog, threatening the noisy little animal. "Some folks should learn to leash their dogs," harumphed Granny and she landed on a branch of a large beach tree to watch.

They ran through Nick and Octavia's meadow, Gaspode nipping at Nick's legs trying to get him to run faster. Soon they were laughing and enjoying the chance to run in the moonlight. They raced through a marshy area splashing and getting mud on each other, then Nick and Gaspode raced through the copse of wood that separated their property from Erin MacClenny 's land. The friends laughed and played leaving misery behind, Nick occasionally lowered his antlers at Gaspode in an "I dare you!" gesture which caused Gaspode to dash in between the multitude of antler points and nip at Nick's nose. "Gaspode," whispered Nick, "there's a witch in that tree watching us."

"Who?"

"Granny Weatherwax, she's borrowing an owl."

"Oh, that old thing," grumbled Gaspode. Images of a witch threatening young lost girls and their little dogs came to mind. Images of witches luring children into candy covered cottages only to be baked in a 350 degree oven for four hours. Gaspode was not a fan "Let's go say hi to her."

"Ok."

The deer stopped tussling with the dog and sprinted toward the tree that Granny was sitting in, and as they passed under her the deer looked up at her and nodded, then the dog said, "Good evening, Granny!" The deer that looked up at her had a silver key hanging from a ribbon around its neck and one golden eye.

Thirty minutes later an owl perched on the windowsill of Granny's cottage, and in the cold farmhouse Granny sat up with a start. Something is wrong in Creel Springs and she decided that she would be the one to fix it.

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Granny was right, something was up in Creel Springs, and the town folks loved it. A new witch was in town and even though it was a young man, he was knowledgeable, dependable, caring and nice. Every day he walked the village from one end to the other greeting everyone he could, then he would spend the day in his bookstore spending most of his time doing fine calligraphy for announcements or invitations, and repairing and restoring fine old books that were brought to him by libraries from all over the disc, which was odd because no one ever saw a delivery cart at the store.

But as he worked in his bookstore, anyone could walk in with any bump or bruise, sneeze or cough and he would do something to help. A healing draught, a salve or poultice, and always a kind word and a sweet for the children

It was known throughout Creel Springs village and the surrounding Buckington Groves Township that there was a new witch in town with the hands of an angel and the power of a wizard and wheels were turning in the minds of several powerful people to do something about that.

Ankh-Morpork - largest and oldest city on the Sto Plains and more populous than the next four countries combined. Ankh-Morpork is not afraid of invasion, in fact it welcomes invaders. One visit to the flesh pits of the area called The Shades and the population of the city swells by the size of each battalion that was welcomed through the city gates. The city is run by a consortium of guilds that enforce the visions of the true leader of the city, The Patrician, Havelock Vetinari. His influence in the Assassin's Guild ensures cooperation from the other guilds. Havelock was trying to find a way to draw the new witch in Lancre and his wife back to Ankh-Morepork where they can be the face of the new Tourism Guild. After all, they just saved the world, they could provide a draw to Ankh-Morepork. An idea came to mind, and he scratched out a note to H.M. King Verance II, ruler of the kingdom of Lanre and chuckled. "Handletyre!" he called for his secretary out of habit.

Instead of Tredwell Handletyre, another man entered. Medium height, medium build, indistinguishable features, unremarkable hair, Suart la Fountaine could never be picked out of a line-up, he was as indistinguishable in a crowd of men as a single brick was in a wall. The Assassins Guild sent the Patrician the perfect assistant. "Mister Handletyre is still recovering sir; may I be of assistance?"

"Of course, Mister la Fountaine, have this sent via clacks to Lancre as soon as possible," and he handed the note to Stuart. The word "clacks" was referring to the semaphore system throughout the central continent of the Disc. Huge towers with semaphore blades and illuminated at night, these towers transferred messages to the next tower in line, the operator would read the message then pass it on to the next tower, the header in the message would give the operators information on the routing of the message so that it was sent to the correct towers then passed on to the recipient. The term clacks refers to the clacking of the semaphore blades giving it the informal name "Clacks" and now instead of weeks, this note to the king of Lancre will be there in an hour.

"Yes sir, and by the way, this just came from Lancre via the clacks." La Fountaine handed Havelock Vetinari a clacks, thin brittle paper and the text was written in the blocky, tight script of the goblins who work the towers, it was from the office of the King of Lancre.

After reading the clacks Havelock said, "I'll take back that letter I gave you, no need to send it. It appears that we will be going to Lancre soon."

The Agatean Empire - The most immoral empire on the disc, the Agatean Empire is based on corruption, terrorizing their population, a huge military, and gold, lots and lots of gold. The Agatean Empire covers the counterweight continent, a land that is filled with heavy metals to provide the counterbalance for the other off center land masses. The Counterweight Continent is made up of gold, silver, lead, iron, and slavery. The emperor just turned eight years old and his voice is said to be The Word of God.

"Lung Mist," shrieked emperor Fu Ki, "what ever happened to that guy that turned into a dragon?"

"After crushing the palace guard, he left your holiness," said the Prime Minister Lung Mist

"You just let him go?" shrieked the boy.

"There was no one left to stop him your eminence."

"He was funny, he should live here and entertain me."

"We no longer know where he is, your amazingness." The prime minister was worried, normally the emperor loses interest in something after 10 minutes, he's been whining about the Dragon Wizard as he became known as for several weeks.

"Find Him And Bring Him BACK!" demanded the brat emperor.

Peregrine and Aegir Mining - A New startup consortium in the dwarven community with their eyes on Bear Mountain and not just the riches of iron and other precious metals deep below it, there's something else to make any concession worth the cost. The one problem was that it was owned by the Kingdom of Lancre and Lancre had an odd way of dealing with their natural resources. The whole of Bear Mountain was under the stewardship of the senior witch in Tallywiffle County. Olaf Peregrine reviewed the coded information he received from his brother-in-law Rifty Peregrine who was there on the ground in Lancre via Clacks. "Rifty is in good spirits," said Olaf as he read the Clacks message. "He spoke with the Stuart of the court of Lancre and he said that the mountain is in the control of witches."

Ringgold Aegir looked up from the mining report he was compiling. "So?"

"Witches are only concerned with things that go on above ground, they will give us the mountain as long as we leave the external shell to the squirrels and flowers."

"When do we move into our mountain?" snickered Reingold. When it came to mining, witches were notoriously stupid, they only care about the topsoil and what grows out of the topsoil, they have no idea what the topsoil is hiding.

"He's going to meet with Mother Marisol the head witch of Tallywiffle county tomorrow and everything should be in the bag," said Olaf as he burned the communiqué in an ashtray.

Reingold went back to his report as Olaf opened the next Clax message and cried out, "Oh Look! We've been invited to a Royal Reception at Lancre Castle, it's a wedding presentation."

"Don't you mean wedding reception or wedding ceremony or something like that?"

"No, it's a presentation, a newly married couple presents themselves to the king and queen for addition into the Lancre records. I guess it saves the couple on having to plan a big wedding ceremony."

"It should be in time to review our new mining claim," chuckled Reingold. "Send Rifty."

Granny Weatherwax - "I tell you Gytha, they knew I was watchin' down on em' the whole time," said Esmirelda "Granny" Weatherwax as she stirred her tea so hard, she nearly drilled her spoon through the bottom of the teacup. Granny is the self-proclaimed best witch on the Disc and is well over one hundred percent a "proper" witch. Her witch's hat is heavily starched and ironed into submission so that the brim can be used as a knife and is held in place with enough hat pins to fend off the Quirmian Mounted Legion. According to her friend Gytha, Granny's knees have never been more than four inches apart, and the term "straight laced" is a bit risqué for Granny.

"What makes you thinka that Esme?" asked Gytha as she tipped her hipflask of scumble into her tea. "A great horned owl sitting out in the open would cause any hinterland creature to look up."

Granny mumbled the reply into her tea.

The scent of the scumble filled the house and the fumes gave a hint as to why Gytha "Nanny" Ogg uses a wooden spoon to stir her tea. {The scumble would eat the chrome plating off her silver teaspoon} "I needs ya to speak up Esme, some of us are getting a bit deef!" she shouted with a laugh.

"I said they looked up at me and said, "Good evening Granny." They said it to me as they ran under my tree!" Granny's eyes narrowed as she delicately sipped her tea. Then she remembered a detail, "the hart had a golden eye."

"That could have been a trick of the light, there were no clouds last night and the moon was full."

{The moon is an asteroid slightly closer to the Disc than the sun and is covered on one half with silvery glowing plants which feed lunar dragons and illuminate the night sky. The other half has been burned black by the sun, as the moon rotates and completes a full revolution in a month, the full moon occurs when the luminescent side is completely visible from the Disc. The new moon occurs when the dark side faces the disc, and like the sun, occasionally an elephant must raise a foot to allow the moon to pass under him and complete its revolution around the Disc}

"No matter, I'm going to go to Creel Springs and give that new witch a piece of my mind."

"Now Esme, you have responsibilities on this side of Lancre, I'm retired now that our Jeremy's wife took over at witching, let me go see what is happening in Creel Springs before you chase off another young lass. We may get us a third for a coven!"

"Not that coven idea again..." mumbled Granny.

King and Queen of Lancre - H. M. King Verance II of Lancre may have been raised and educated a fool, but he was no one's fool. {It's true, he was raised by the Fool's Guild and was Court Jester to the previous king of Lancre until it was discovered that he A) was born without a sense of humor, and B) was the rightful heir to the throne}

His desire to democratize the Kingdom of Lancre may have stalled due to the narrow minded attitude of the populace who dare suggest that the current form of aristocratic rule works just fine. And to be honest, it does. Having run the kleptocracy out of Lancre, Verance has found that his tiny kingdom runs just fine with a tiny government.

After breakfast, while doing the dishes with his wife H. M. Queen Magrat, Crown Princess Esmerelda Margaret Note Spelling, Prince Exavier, and Prince Abraam {who at one year of age watched the goings on from a highchair} the king inspected a plate he just washed before handing to his daughter to rinse {Kitchen staff costs money and how better to identify with the proletariat than by doing your own dishes?} "Dear, I am worried about the new witch that Nana Partridge selected to replace her."

Magrat, a retired witch herself, has heard a little about the new witch and immediately grew defensive. "Why? Because she has an elitist name?"

"No dear, Pommeraie de la Montesquieu is a fine name, it's just that..."

"Because she's new and inexperienced?" demanded Magrat as she dried a plate with a lot more gusto than the task called for.

"No dear, as you say, each witch must grow into her own cottage."

"Is it because she has a lot of wizarding know-how and can become any animal?"

"No dear, that actually appeals to me."

"Is it because she's a man?" asked their daughter Crown Princess Esmerelda Margaret Check Spelling.

"Hmmm yes, that's precisely it," sighed Verence. "I fear the kingdom will not put up with it."

"When dad says kingdom he usually means Granny Esme," Exavier whispered to his little brother Abraam who laughed. He laughs anytime Granny Weatherwax is mentioned.

Magrat hugged her husband from behind, "I think that is wonderful, it's the forward thinking this kingdom needs."

"And everyone else despises. Yes, I believe it is a good thing, and I think I'm going to need to protect him. I also hear that there is a new wizard in town..."

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"Oh, how beautiful! They're so cute! Thank you!" Octavia gushed as she looked at the small cage containing four young cottontail rabbits.

"We want to thank th' witch for such a beautiful healthy grandson," said Tiernan Brighid, the grandfather of the first child Nick ever delivered.

"I suggest you separate the black one from the others," said Sorcha Brighid, "he's going to be a bit randy." Sorcha is the new grandmother of Cain McCandlish. She was a bit skeptical of having a male witch delivering her daughters baby, but when Nick laid that child in her arms, happy and squalling like a banshee, Sorcha no longer had a care in the world, there was no problem with a male witch that she could think of.

"They're... fluffy," was all Nick could say about the young rabbits. "What do we do with them... I mean besides pull them out of hats."

"You raise them! Feed them proper rabbit feed and with that buck you make more rabbits. Soon they'll be big enough to eat," said Sorcha.

"Eat?" gasped Octavia still trying to sound grateful.

"Aye, in a pie or a stew, and the pelts are soft and warm. They'll make darling hats, mittens, and stockings for your babies."

"Let's see where we can put them," said Nick and they walked around back of the cottage to find that the "Critter Shed" had grown a set of cages.

"That's a fine rabbit hutch," said Tiernan Brighid. "We'll put the does here, we'll put the buck here, and when they get large enough you open this door between the cages and in a few weeks you'll have more bunnies."

"How do we know when the females are in heat?"

"Does don't go into "heat" as you call it. Don't worry, rabbits have a way to figure that out."

Nick only hoped his smile was convincing. The grateful grandparents gave Nick and Octavia a list of the rabbit's dietary requirements, mostly scraps from the kitchen cutting board, and it sounded like one of the best meals he's ever had. {Living on the streets of Ankh-Morpork as a child guarantees a diet of scraps, garbage, refuse, and beatings} Right now all he and Octavia know how to cook is eggs which they have with leftover meat that Nick smoked. They have been gifted with lots of interesting looking vegetables which are sitting in the cold cellar waiting for panic to set in and Nick or Octavia tries to cook them, but neither one knows precisely how to do that.

As he does when he knows that one of "his girls" is almost ready for childbirth, Nick keeps an eye on the messenger candle in the living room with his gold eye. From the rabbit hutch he could see through his eyepatch, the shed, and the back wall of the cottage into the living room and he saw a large, wide, dark purple candle flicker and a flame popped into existence. In another house someone lit a small purple messenger candle that Nick gave them, causing Nick's candle at home to light. It was time. "Gotta go," he said as he gave Octavia a quick kiss and dashed to the house to get ready.

He stripped naked and put everything in a pack then dashed out onto the porch and dropped the pack. As he stepped off the porch there was a flash of octarine light and there stood a beautiful, chestnut brown quarter horse. The horse nickered and picked up the pack in its teeth holding it by a strap and trotted off to the Borsen farm where Desdemona Borsen needed his help.

As Octavia spoke with Sorcha and Tiernan Brighid she began to realize how foolish her dreams were - to find a little home away from the toil and bluster of the big city and live together with Nick, to be the farmwife and cook him dinner and mend his torn clothes... she had to tell someone. "I'm sorry, you are all so kind and generous to us but... we don't know what to do with all these gifts..." that's when the tears started.

Octavia had a breakdown as Nick went off to deliver Desdemona and Uther's babies, all she could think of was him eating scraps when he lived in the gutters of Ankh-Morpork and now he is working hard to give her a beautiful home, and scraps is all she knows how to serve him. "What would your mother say if she saw you like this?" demanded Sorcha.

"My mother dropped me off at the all-night book return of a library when I was a month old."

"Ok, uhhh, you said you had a foster father. What would your father say?"

"He would say "Ook."

"Ook?"

"It means have a banana, which was his solution to everything. You would eat a banana and think of a solution. If you don't come up with a solution by the time you finish your banana, then it wasn't your problem."

"What's a banana?"

"It's a tropical fruit, dad loves them." Octavia showed Sorcha her necklace with the tiny gold banana. She wears it because it reminds her of Nick, he claimed he could see the tiny banana from a quarter mile away and now one of his beautiful eyes is ruined because of her, and the tears started again.

"Here," said Tiernan as he tossed Octavia an apple. "Eat your banana."

"Wha?" Octavia looked at the apple, it was a bit old and shriveled, it was down in the cold cellar, but a bite told her it was still delicious.

"Don't talk, eat," said Tiernan. "Your father was a wise man, he realized that we must give ourselves time to consider our problem first, then construct a logical ways of attacking the problem. We don't always need a solution, sometimes we just need a path to a solution."

Sorcha rolled her eyes, she's heard her husband carry on like a teacher before, him and his fancy fifth grade education! When Octavia finished her apple Sorcha asked her, "Did that help?"

Octavia looked defeated and she rose and walked into the kitchen and looked around. "This is so alien to me! I can find you any book ever written, ANY book, I can have a copy in your hands tomorrow, but I have no idea what any of this is," and she picked up a kitchen tool that looked like a spring on a long handle.

"That's a gravy whisk," said Sorcha.

"See? I don't know any of this!" cried Octavia slamming the whisk down.

"Dearie, newlywed life is going to be like that, how long have you been married?" said Sorcha as the woman took Octavia in her arms.

"Four weeks."

"The way I see it," said Tiernan, "is that the failure is ours. You two don't have a family upbringing and you come here to help us. Right now, it's more important for us to help you, otherwise we'll be looking for a new witch again, you won't last the winter!"

"Listen to him, he's right," said Sorcha, "we gotta give you two twenty years of Lancre upbringing. We'll start with dinner. Tiernan, go find us a nice fat chicken, I'll get some vegetables, and Octavia dear, you dear put some water on to boil."

"Ok!" said Octavia feeling excited for the first time. "How do I do that?"

<><><><><>

Gytha "Nanny" Ogg was dropped off at the Uther Borsen farm by her daughter-in-law. She tottered up to the front door and knocked twice singing, "Coo-ee! Just Nanny Ogg here!" Inside she could hear the sounds of a woman who completed labor, that cross between a laugh of joy and a cry of relief that it was over was unmistakable, but somehow it sounded wrong, there was a note of sorrow in her voice. Are you a witch?" called a man's voice from within.

"Yes, do you need help?"

"A little bit if you don't mind," he said. "We're upstairs."

Nanny entered the house to find two pairs of distraught grandparents who were terrified, it looked like the first grandchild for both. "Don't you worry none, Nanny Ogg is here, we'll get this right. If you go and put on a pan of warm water for the baby, I'll go help the new mother," and she headed upstairs. Inside the main bedroom she found the new mother with long wavy red hair matted with sweat, and the new father holding a newborn, but at the foot of the bed was a man wearing leaf pattern robes and an eye patch cradling another child. With two fingers he was gently rhythmically pressing the baby's chest, but it wasn't responding. Death stood over the young man's shoulder watching him work on the baby like a bystander watches a workman dig a trench.

"She had the cord around her neck," the man explained to Nanny. "Her sister Lynet is fine but this one..." Tears ran down his cheek as he whispered to the baby in his hands, "come on baby, come join us... please!"

Nanny leaned over and patted his shoulder, "It's ok luv, sometimes it happens..."

The young man turned and glared at Death, "No, not two times in a week," then he concentrated on the baby, "come on little one, you can do it, that spooky old black specter isn't here for you... we have a name waiting for you if you sing for us... come on baby, sing!" he pleaded with tears of sorrow and frustration in his eye. "Please sing for us!" he said, his voice breaking with sorrow.

That must have did it because the baby tensed up and began to howl that high squeaky cry of a newborn baby. Death straightened up and said, "THAT'S ONE TO YOU. CONGRATULATIONS," he patted the young man on the shoulder and faded from Nanny's sight.

Nanny and the young man worked quickly to tie and cut the umbilical then he called out, "What's her name Uther? She wants her name!"

The stunned father grinned and cried out "Guendolen!" Nick handed Guendolen to the exhausted young mother who laughed and cried as she counted all of Guendolen's fingers and toes.

"Nanny, can you take care of momma? I need to give Guendolen a warm bath, she's freezing."

"Aye! I can do that youngster, what's your name?"

"Everyone calls me Nick," said Nick as he and Uther headed down to the kitchen with the twin girls, both showing that they had their mother's bright red hair. They rushed the twins to a pan of warm water and two pairs of grandparents that awaited them in the kitchen.

Nanny cleaned up the shocked young mother and bubbled merrily about the babies. "Oi've delivered more babies than you can shake a weasel at," cried Nanny, "and Oi've never seen such a thing, 'e snatched that little girl right back out o' Death's own grasp 'e did. T'was a good thing 'e was 'ere. Wos name of your witch again?" Nanny was of a mind to have a talk with the local witch and find out why a man had to fill in for her.

"Nick," smiled the exhausted Desdemona, the young mother.

"Yes dearie, 'e was wonderful, but I was meanin' to ask you the name of the local witch here in Creel Springs wot took over for Nana Partridge."

"Nick is 'is name, 'e an' 'is wife just moved into Nana Partridge's cottage just weeks ago."

"A witch 'as a wife?" asked Nanny Ogg, shocked that someone would imply such a thing.

"Yes," said Nick coming into the room behind Nanny Ogg, "her name is Octavia. And just so you hear it from me, she's a wizard."

"Oh! Heh, pahdon, oi didn't mean to disparage on ya, it's just..."

"We wouldn't give our Nick up for any witch, 'e saved our Guendolen," said Desdemona as she finally got to cuddle her two daughters at the same time.

"We had our doubts," said Uther, "but he's our witch and we're not going to lose him."

Nick smiled and examined Mother and daughters. "Look here," he said pointing at the squirming baby's neck, "Guendolen has a strawberry shaped birthmark here on her neck, her sister doesn't. That's how to tell them apart." He finished examining mom then said, "Ok, it's going to be uncomfortable but you need to get on your feet as soon as possible, because you're going to spend the rest of your life chasing these two," smiled Nick. "They have fire in their eyes!"

"What do we owe you?" asked a nervous Uther.

"Owe me? You owe me two beautiful daughters, so keep them fit and happy, because when I have two sons, they're going to come calling for them."

Uther suddenly panicked but Desdemona calmed him, "'e's kidding, relax. Octavia warned me about 'im. Said 'e's a bit of a jester wannabe." She turned to Nick and said, "how about two lambs, one for each of our lambs wot you gave us."

"Done and done," grinned Nick. "And bring these two redhead lambs to me in one month so I can check them out, and I'm going to leave this candle here until then." He blew out the dark purple candle that was burning on the dresser. "Just light it if you need me and I'll be here for you." And with that he turned and left.

<><><><><>

Octavia looked up and saw the dark purple on the end table in the living room go out. Nick always blows out the messenger candle when he's done, which causes the candle in their house to go out. "Oh, my goodness!" gasped Octavia, "he's on his way home."

"Just in time," said Sorcha Brighid. She and her husband Tiernan have been working with Octavia teaching her the ways of country living. "You said you didn't ever want to feed your husband scraps, so if you follow the few simple steps we showed you, you never will. Let's start something new, we're going to make gravy..."

<><><><><>

"Coo-ee!" called Nanny Ogg, "would you like a ride with us Nick?"

"Oh, I'm usually so stressed after a delivery I like to walk with my dog afterward to burn off the energy."

Nanny shouted something to her daughter-in-law and the wagon she was sitting on the tailgate of slowed to match Nick's pace. Gaspode hopped up and curled up next to Nanny and she began scratching and petting him. "Is this your dog, the one wot likes to walk with you or is 'e some other dog who happened to be going in the same direction?"

"That's my boy, as faithful as the day is long."

"That was quite amazing wot you did with that little girl, wot made you think of that?"

Nick looked like he didn't want to answer that question at all but he need to answer it truthfully. The true answer is that for some reason a medical dictionary will appear in his mind and open to the page he needs, it's a gift from working with so many powerful books. He finally said, "I read a lot and after I became a witch I read an article from... some foreign place that said if a baby's heart isn't beating to do that. I figure there's a lot of foreigners, it must work, and I gave it a try."

Nanny was merciless, when she wants information she will get it, ask any one of her 15 children. "If you don't moind moy askin'... 'oo said that you were a witch?"

"Death. He was pretty adamant about it."

Granny took that in stride as if he had said, "I graduated from witching school." She pressed on like nothing he said phased her and said "Oy suppose if Death says you're a witch, you're a witch. And you told Death "not two in a week," did you lose another baby? oy didn't 'ear of one."

Now Nick looked like he wanted to run away. His eyes filled with tears and finally with a sigh he said, "Octavia and I lost our first two days ago. She... we were a month along, but..."

"Oh my! You shouldn't have been out there today! Not after losing your baby! Somebody else should have taken this delivery for you!"

"Who?" demanded Nick angrily. "Are you going to ride out to Creel Springs to help with a farm girl in her in-law's house? Is that nosey Mrs. Weatherwax going to come all the way from BadAss? Would either of you have been able to save that baby? Could you have made it in time?"

"You need to calm down luv, we just discovered you were here!"

"Well, ya could have come over and said hi instead of sitting in a tree and spying on me."

"Wot? oy never!"

"Not you, I'm talking about Mrs. Weatherwax, I'm surprised she didn't tell you about Gaspode and me running in the neighbor's meadow the other day. We just lost the baby and I had to burn off the anger before I told Octavia, and there's a witch sitting in a tree spying on me without so much as a how do you do."

Nanny was confused, "MISS Weatherwax didn't mention you, she said she saw a hart with a golden eye..." That's when Nick flipped up his eyepatch and Nanny could see his left eye of solid gold. "Oh moi," whispered Nanny. "Where did you get that?"

"The Agatean empire gave me that to keep me from eating their emperor."

"It's very pretty, it's a shame to hide it under that scary patch."

"It scares people but it works fine under the patch and the kids think the patch makes me look like a pirate... yarrrr."

"You can see through that shiny metal eyecover?"

"It's not an eyecover, it's a replacement."

"He got his eyeball stepped on by a sheep," said Gaspode as he rolled onto his back so Granny would scratch his tummy.

"Wot did you say?" a shocked witch asked Gaspode.

"I didn't say anything, everyone knows that dogs can't talk," Gaspode replied.

"Turn here, this is our driveway," said Nick then he ducked into the trees.

"Where did 'e go little doggy?"

Gaspode flipped over onto his feet and sniffed. "I think he turned into his father-in-law," and leapt off the wagon. Soon Gaspode was dashing through the trees, yelling "Bark, bark, bark!" at a simian wearing a backpack as it swung through the trees.

"Catch that monkey!" shouted Nanny Ogg as her daughter-in-law tried to get their old plow mule to pull the cart faster.

Nick howled like a prime male orangutan defending his harem as he swung through the trees, he could see why his father-in-law resisted all efforts to return him to a sub-orangutan human. This was just too much fun! His father-in-law The Librarian needs to come over and swing through these trees, they can swing together. He covered the distance between Main Street and the cottage in a half of the time it normally took him to walk and he was wondering if anyone noticed him beside Gaspode when Gula bellowed "IIIIIIK!" then he heard from inside the cottage "Thank you Gula, darn it! I still have a half hour before dinner is ready."

Nick tried to avoid bellowing a war cry because he saw Tiernan Brighid's wagon still outside of the cottage, so he popped out of the forest, climbed the outside of the cottage and rolled into the bedroom window and reluctantly changed back to human. "Oh, it's you," said Octavia as she stepped into the bedroom as a naked Nick stood up.

"Oh, it's you?" asked Nick, a little confused and probably more than a little upset.

"I thought it was daddy, but this is much better," said Octavia with a saucy grin as she reached for Nick's...

"Coo-ee!" called Nanny from below.

"We have more guests," sighed Nick, "it's Nanny Ogg." He slipped on a kilt and shirt and followed Octavia down the steep staircase {the only thing keeping it from being called a ladder is tradition} "she's probably the most powerful witch in Lancre."

"Aww no sweetie, that would be you!" gushed Nanny as she hugged Nick with a loud, "Darling!"

"Nanny, this is Sorcha and Tiernan Brighid my first grandparents, and this is the love of my life, Octavia Worblehat-Stein."

"Oi used to know a wizard named 'orace Worblehat," gushed Nanny as she hugged Octavia. "Quite the wild one 'e was! 'e taught me the song "A Hedgehog Will Never Get Buggered."

"I'll have to bring it up to him when I see him next," said Octavia with a look of sheer delight. Her dad is in for a tough time ahead.

"Oh, you shoulda seen your man!" gasped Nanny. "'e stared Death right in the oie and said, "You're not taking this child!" And when that baby began to squall, Death said, "You win Nick!"

Octavia looked at Nick and he just nodded agreeing with Nanny, it was close enough to the truth. Octavia was shocked, she's only seen Death once, and that was when he was standing over Nick in the Ecksian bush and Gula just "fell" on the dingaroo that was preparing to attack and eat Nick as he lay horribly injured in the dirt. Octavia has been a trained wizard from the age of 17 and she earned her doctorate in the mystic arts at 22 and in all of the other sections of the multiverse there is an anthropomorphic representation of death, but she's never seen that specter until he tried to collect the man she fell in love with.

"How many times have you seen Death in the past six months?" Octavia asked Nick.

He counted on his fingers and finally said, "Five." He was not happy talking about Death and he vowed to steal as many people from the grim reaper as he could. Death's loss today was his own fault, he was the one who called Nick a witch and Nick found that he liked the idea.

"It's been a long time since we last saw you Nanny, you delivered our Davey," said Sorcha.

"That oi did! Oi ne'er seen such a happy lad, most don't like birthin' but your Davey couldn't wait to see his momma," said Nanny as she dug her flask out of her expansive cleavage and took a nip.

"Nick just delivered Davey's daughter last week," said Tiernan. "Things have sure changed since our day," he continued as he squeezed his wife Sorcha's shoulder. "Back then you'd never hear of the father helping with the delivery."

"Th' father 'elpin'?" asked Nanny, her eyes huge in surprise. She thought that Uther being in the room with Desdemona was to hold one baby while Nick took care of the other. That was the case but not the whole reason.

"Helping as he should be!" insisted Sorcha. "He was there to place the order; he should be there to take delivery!" After the laughter died down, she continued, "I remember the whole time our Davey was being born, all of our sons in fact, that I wanted my Tiernan there with me but we didn't do it that way back then."

"Oh, Granny will never take kindly to this!" and Nanny took another swig from her flask.

"Then if she ever has a child, she can have someone else help her," said Nick. "I let all my girls and their men know that I expect the father to help."

Just then a magical chime that Nick hadn't heard since he was living in the gutter in Ankh-Morpork filled the air and Octavia's magical hourglass appeared in front of her. "Fifteen minutes!" she announced, then headed over to the stove that was filling the air with some alien (to Nick) fragrances.

Sorcha looked in the oven with Octavia and smiled, "You did it! Now remember the little lost boy, and good luck. We'll see you tomorrow."

As Sorcha hustled Tiernan and Nanny out of the house Nick explored the mysteries of the kitchen.

"Sorcha helped me decipher Nana Partridges recipes," said Octavia as she eased the roasted, golden brown chicken out of the oven. "I wanted to make you a real home cooked dinner but I've never cooked anything. I didn't know how this stove works and I did not want to make bread and cheese sandwiches again." The bread and cheese sandwiches were made from welcoming gifts, slices of stale bread and dry, possibly moldy cheese. Nick ate them like they were mana from heaven because compared to his previous diet, they were mana from heaven, but more important, the woman he loves made them for him. With every bite Octavia felt guilty that she couldn't make better.

Their little table was soon covered with the most incredible smelling food Nick had ever been near. Even the fancy restaurants he and Gaspode used to dine at {meaning they ate the scraps that they picked out of the rubbish bin} smelled nothing like this. Gaspode was underfoot as much as Nick was while Octavia finished dinner preparations. "Boys! Relax!" said Octavia as she chuckled at their antics.

"It smells incredible," said Nick as he came up behind Octavia and hugged her, his hands roaming over her lush, curvaceous body.

"Stop!" she warned. "I'm almost done here," she said as she stirred a marvelous smelling concoction on the stove.

"I can't believe that you made all this."

"And I can't believe you saved that baby," said Octavia. "When a senior witch like Nanny Ogg says that you're the most powerful witch in the kingdom, you're the most powerful witch in the kingdom."

"I got lucky," said Nick as his hands got near her breasts only to be swatted down. "What is that you're making?"

"It's a special treat for the other man of the house," she said as she poured some gravy over a mixture of items that didn't make it to Nick's feast and set the dish on the floor for Gaspode.

"Finally! Some food around this joint!" and Gaspode was muzzle deep in doggy nirvana.

"What was the lost boy Sorcha told you about?" asked Nick as Octavia placed dish after dish of delicious smelling concoctions on the table.

"A little lost boy in the woods was eating dead animals and roots to stay alive for a long time," said Octavia as she sat next to Nick and made up his plate for him. "When he finally got home his mother made him a wonderful meal that tasted so good he ate it all as fast as he could and he ate it so fast that he ended up throwing up, but that left him hungry again but now the food was all gone."

"Poor kid, who was he?" asked Nick.

"It's a parable that will hopefully help." She loaded up a fork with some chicken and gravy and fed him a bite. Nicks eyes lit up in surprise, he tried to grab the fork out of her hand, but she said, "No... chew every bit... now swallow... now kiss the cook." After a very passionate kiss she moved around the plate feeding him bits of potato, yam, and brussels sprout, each requiring the kiss for the cook after each bite.

So delicious! So exquisite! Every bite was a culinary symphony compared to anything he's ever eaten before. He saw why Octavia enforced the chew each bite rule, because if she wasn't monitoring his intake, he would have eaten himself sick. "Sorcha says I'll probably end up being the baker and you will be the better cook."

"What's the difference?" asked Nick around a mouthful of a flavor explosion that Octavia called a 'brownie.' {These were not made out of real brownies which are closely related to pixies, that would be murder}

"According to Sorcha, cooking involves meats and veggies and stuff like that, mostly on top of the stove. Baking is the cakes, cookies, pies, and brownies."

"Why?"

"Because baking is based on science, which is my specialty, cooking is an art which is yours."

"How can I pay you back for such a feast?" he was finally able to say as he swallowed the most delicious thing he's ever eaten in his life.

"This is for you, what you did today was incredible," she didn't want him to know that the hardest part of the meal was killing, plucking, and gutting the chicken. When she figured out what the units of measure were in the cookbook, it was easy, but there's feathers everywhere out behind the coops. "That baby you saved... her folks must be so amazed."

"Babies are born every day..." he said softly as he gave his wizard a kiss.

"Chickens are roasted every day..." as she kissed her witch.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

The next morning it looked like the entire village of Creel Springs turned up, in fact they began showing up before Nick and Octavia woke up. "COME OUT WITCH! WE NEED TO TALK!" boomed a voice as big as the nearby mountains.

"Oh damn!" groaned Nick. He and Octavia had planned to wake up with a naked dip in the pond then some morning love making on the shore before heading down to the bookstore.

"What's the matter dear?" asked Octavia.

"Sounds like the torch and pitchfork crowd wants a word with the witch," groaned Nick and he pulled on a robe and his sandals then rifled down the stairs and strode up to his front door. As he unlatched the door Nick reached for Mesquite who was still in the olliphant foot umbrella holder by the door and said, "Come on stick, I need you." Suddenly Mesquite became immobile and Nick couldn't lift it out of the umbrella stand.

"You promised a new name!" demanded the sapient pearwood walking stick. "And give me back to Octavia. She's a wizard, she needs a staff."

"She got plenty of staff last night."

"NAME," demanded Mesquite.

Nick sighed. Of all the times... "I hereby name thee Virga! Staff of Destiny!"

"Virga, I like it," said the smug stick. "What about Octavia?"

"We're married, you are community property. Let's go." He stepped out on the porch and saw the small multitude filling his lawn while Gaspode sat on the porch watching with an amused expression on his face. "I thought you were a watch dog."

"I'm watching."

"There is an element of calling out a warning involved with the job."

"You said you wanted to sleep in."

Here we go, thought Nick and he stood as tall as he could and said in a loud, masculine voice, "I AM POMMERAIE DE LA MONTESQUIEU STEIN, WITCH. AND THIS IS MY FAMILIAR GASPODE."

"I'm more of a conscience than a familiar."

"Shush, he's on a roll," said Octavia to Gaspode as she stepped out on to the porch with a hot mug of tea in her hands.

"WHO WISHES TO HAVE WORDS WITH THE WITCH?

A red faced, red haired walking mountain with a beard and a kilt stepped up to Nick, and even though the redhead was standing on the lawn and Nick was two steps up on the porch and the man mountain still stood taller than Nick and with a deep accent he growled "I DO."

Nick stood firm thinking of all the animals he could convert to, all of which could overpower this huge man, but if he was angry or scared Nick didn't know if he could control himself when the animal takes over. He couldn't run, he had to protect Octavia so he had to stand firm. Let's try diplomacy. "SPEAK YOUR PEACE, WE ARE ALL CREEL SPRINGS MEN HERE!" Loud diplomacy, but it's diplomacy.

"I AM FEENEY MACTAVISH AND DESDEMONA BORSEN IS MY DAUGHTER... AND THIS WITCH SAVED MY GRANDDAUGHTER'S LIFE!" He scooped Nick off the porch and swung him around laughing joyfully. "ANYONE WHO HAS A PROBLEM WITH THIS WITCH MUST ANSWER TO ME!" and the crowd cheered and roared with laughter.

"Let him down Feeney," laughed someone from the crowd, "He's turning blue!" It was now clear to Octavia and Nick that Nanny Ogg had made sure that everyone in the Buckington Groves Township knew that he beat death by saving a tiny baby at the same time Sorcha and Tiernan Brighid asked everyone to come and help the newlyweds.

"WE BROUGHT YOUR PAYMENT FOR M'GIRLS," boomed Feeney and he gestured to the pond and on the far side Nick saw five white balls of fur thoughtfully munching on the rich green grass.

"I was only told two," said Nick in a small voice.

"WE GRANDPARENTS THREW IN TWO MORE EWES AND A RAM T' KEEP YOUR FLOCK ALIVE AND GROWING!"

"Let's get to work!" cried Tiernan Brighid and the second craziest day of Nick's life began. The men of Creel Springs led Nick up the mountain and taught him the skills needed to survive a Bear Mountain winter, he learned to harvest wood, harvest ice, harvest deer, and skin rabbits. They started with a lesson on how to select trees for lumber or firewood, how to fell the tree, buck it and split it. In less time than Nick thought was possible the ten men converted a dying but majestic Ash tree to several stacks of firewood, slowly drying and aging in the discworld sunlight. Nick dropped the tree with the two-man bandsaw {his partner made sure that Nick did the majority of the work} then bucking the tree which consisted of slicing the tree into eighteen inch segments, then splitting those segments into pieces that will burn properly in their fireplace or stove. As Nick sliced the tree with the bandsaw, teams of men took those pieces and split them into firewood faster than Nick could buck the trunk of the tree. The sounds of saw slicing wood and sledge striking wedge filled the forest.

"Now see you have sunlight breaking through the forest canopy with that tree gone, a place for deer to graze and these saplings can grow," said Ian McLeish. His wife Aelwen was overdue and they're both hugely reassured at the skills of their new witch after he saved the Borsen twins.

Another man spelled Nick on the bandsaw and as Nick stood bent over, gasping and gulping air, one of the guys saw an opportunity to tease his favorite witch. "TAKING A BREAK ALREADY MY LITTLE FRIEND?" boomed Feeney MacTavish. "WE'VE CHOPPED THIS TREE INTO STACKS OF FIREWOOD AND ALL YOU'VE PRODUCED IS SAWDUST!"

Dripping with sweat, Nick stood straight up and stepped up to Feeney and said, "Don't make me show you why we call this Bear Mountain."

"OH? ARE YE GONNA CONJURE UP A BEAR?" The gauntlet was thrown down...

Attracted by the sounds of men laughing, Octavia walked up to the site where wood used to be chopped and found Feeney MacTavish wrestling a black bear surrounded by a crowd of laughing men. "Feeney!" she shouted and both combatants rolled apart to look up at the sexy Enchantress. "Don't hurt him, I have plans for him later." And with a saucy wink and a sexy smile she turned and headed back to the cottage.

The bear with a golden eye and Feeney looked at each other, then with a cheery "Oh ho ho!" from the crowd of men, the wrestling match was back on. Now the men of Creel Springs knew that their witch was a shape shifter and it didn't mean much to them, because he's one of the guys now.

Back at the cottage Octavia found that Gaspode was back out at their tiny flock of sheep, keeping them in a tight group, the sheep weren't scared of him, just annoyed. Gaspode and Octavia spent the morning under the tutelage of Linda MacTavish, Feeney's wife, learning the ways of sheep wrangling. Gaspode initially stated that this was demeaning and beneath him, but when he discovered that the reward for obeying Octavia's "suggestions" was bits of raw venison, Gaspode discovered an inner sheepdog that appeared the moment that Gaspode discovered how much fun it was to bend these stupid walking puffballs to his will.

"We won't have to do this too much," Octavia whispered to Gaspode who was trying to get the sheep to stand in a line. As soon as they were done with their lesson, she drew an octarine fence around the sheep keeping them safe in one area then returned to the cottage where baskets of several fruits and vegetables and a case of glass jars were waiting for her.

"We're going to learn the art of canning!" announced Erin Metsker, wife of the blacksmith Trei Metsker. "Pay attention, you're going to need to teach your husband, this skill is more important than cutting firwood."

"Why is that?" asked Octavia who was terrified of the stories she's heard about Bear Mountain winters.

"Because you can't eat firewood. First, we sterilize the jars but we save that hot water." Octavia nodded in agreement, with a wood burning stove, hot water is a precious commodity. While the children played outside and other women prepared their lessons Octavia and Erin blanched, skinned, cut, and pitted a dozen peaches. As they did this there came a loud squawk from the other side of the room, Aelwen McLeish was sitting in Nana Partridge's chair and her water broke.

"Get the witch!" called someone and one of the oldest girls playing outside raced uphill into the woods and soon came back with Nick and the terrified looking father, Ian.

For her part Octavia stayed at the sink working on the fruit but she could hear Nick talking to Ian and Aelwen, calming and reassuring them, followed by a shriek of agony and surprise from Aelwen. "Sounds like everything is normal," said Erin as she helped Octavia pack the jar with peach halves, but Octavia kept looking over her shoulder at Nick. "There's no difference between any other time you've seen this except the husband is there to help and the midwife is a man."

"I've never seen it. I always wondered how it happened," said Octavia softly.

"What?" gasped Erin, "You've never seen a birth?" The thought was inconceivable to Erin, childbirth is a family event and watching a new brother or sister or cousin come into the world was common for all preteen girls.

"No, I was raised in foster homes, they're always done having children or can't have them."

"Then go! Go watch the miracle!"

Octavia washed the peach juice from her hands and dashed over to where Nick was helping Ian and Aelwen welcome their child into the world. Her jaw dropped as the baby's head began to emerge. "It has daddy's hair!" called Nick happily. It was still a new miracle to him, most of the women in the cottage have been through this in one form or another many more times than he has, so he had to keep foremost in his mind that this is Aelwen and Ian's first child, they're expecting him to have all the answers for them.

"What should I do?" asked Ian, his voice was on the verge of panic.

"You sit at her waist and encourage her, if I need her to do something I'll tell you what it is and you encourage her, you'll pick up on it quickly."

Octavia was stunned, she was both terrified of and enamored with the miracle of birth. "Can I do anything?" she asked Nick.

"Yes, you sit with me and hold that towel up, yes like that."

"What's this for?"

Nick smiled and gave his wife a kiss. "Trying to preserve her modesty. This is her first and she's in a house full of people."

"Thank you," groaned Aelwen who had been considering the same thing between contractions.

"In a few minutes we're going to have a baby," said Nick to Octavia. "When it comes out and it sings for us, we'll give it a name, I'll cut it free, then after mommy says hello, you and daddy take youngster over to the sink and clean it up while I take care of mommy."

Soon poor Aelwen was exhausted, she hadn't slept for days worrying about this exact moment and it's taken a toll on her. "I can't do it," she said as she slumped back on the pillow. "I'm all done in."

"That's a shame, everybody is here for the party," said Nick with a sad look on the face. "Should we go home and start over again tomorrow?"

"Octavia was right," panted Aelwen as another big contraction came rolling in, "you truly are a fucking son of AAAAHHHH!!!"

"This is the one!" Nick encouraged, "Pushpushpushpush..."

And Octavia saw it, the moment a new child came into the world, her eyes were wide and full of tears as Nick put that tiny miracle in her hands and began to tie off the umbilical cord. The baby was shuddering and squalling and Nicks words seemed to come from far away when he happily cried, "What is the name for this beautiful boy Ian?"

Octavia almost cried out "Marlon!" the name she desired for her own boy when he finally arrives, but the new father, overwhelmed with awe sputtered for a moment then said, "Ceiriog! His name is Ceiriog..." and reluctantly Octavia handed Ceiriog to his parents.

A few hours later as the meal was ready and people gathered to eat and celebrate the new baby and the new witch and wizard on Bear Mountain, a still dazzled Octavia looked through the crowd and said, "Where's my husband?"

"Queen Magrat has taken him up the mountain to look for herbs and Medicinals," said a palace guard wearing old armor.

"Does he know she's the queen? He hasn't met her properly yet."

"I don't think so mum, Missus MacTavish scolded him into going up there with her majesty when he said that he didn't have time to pick posies.

"Oh no," groaned Octavia. She had taken a break from canning lessons and spinning lessons and stepped outside to watch the activity. The side of elk that had been turning over a fire was deemed to be ready by the head cook Merle Rorie, a neighboring farmer, and people were getting ready to eat but they would not start without the Queen.

Stepping out of the forest behind the cottage came Nick and Queen Magrat. Her Majesty was dressed in a flowing ankle length flower pattern dress that any one of the farmers or merchant wives here in Creel Springs would wear on a spring Sunday, but for Queen Magrat it was something she would wear all year round. Nick was carrying a basket full of plants that had promised medicinal properties and he and the Queen were discussing a notation he made in the notebook he carried.

The entire assembly went silent and knelt as the Queen approached, but Nick missed that, he was reading his notebook when Magrat said, "Good people of Creel Springs, thank you for welcoming me to your feast, as Prince Exavier tells me several times a day, let's eat!" Prince Exavier is her seven year old son. When she said "Let's eat" the people rose and cheered their queen and stepped aside to allow her and her guards first choice at their buffet.

"How are you doing Mister Witch?" said Octavia with a smile as she stepped in front of Nick. He was so engrossed in herbology and his notes that he almost bumped into her.

"Hmm? Oh, this was fascinating, and Mrs. Queen invited us to her house on Friday."

"Missus Queen?" said Octavia chuckling, when Nick is lost in study, he gets seriously lost. "It's not Missus Queen, it's THE Queen and it's not her house, it's the Palace."

"THE Queen?" Nick suddenly felt cold. "Palace?" he said in a tiny voice.

"Let's go apologize..." sighed Octavia and she dragged Nick over to where Queen Magrat was seated with her children Prince Exavier and Crown Princess Esmerelda Margaret Check Spelling.

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Harold Lorechestershire {Oddly enough his name was pronounced exactly the way it was spelled and he had no idea why. It should be pronounced Loostersher} was the Steward, Chamberlain, Marshal, and head butler of Lancre Castle. It was his job to ensure that the royal proprieties were not overlooked at any time. Today was a big event, the presentation to the King and Queen, which was simply a royal acknowledgment of a marriage arrangement, and it is as close to a wedding ceremony as many of these poor farm village people get. It was also the royal reception of the new village Witch and the appointment of a new Wizard to the royal court. There was more but poor Harold was so overwhelmed that for the first time since the royal wedding two decades ago, he requested help with the arrangements. Crown Princess Esmerelda Margaret Check Spelling gladly stepped in to help "Uncle Harold," she's met Nick and Octavia and thought they were brilliant, but a bit much for Harold to handle on his own.

Finally, all was ready, the throne room was packed with visitors from all over the disc, representatives from the Agatean Empire, Four Ecks, Quirm, Klatch, Djelibaybie, Howandaland, and even the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, Lord Havelock Vetinari himself was there although it is said that the Agatean empire and Ankh-Morpork were actively trying to get Nick and Octavia to move to their countries and go on a worldwide tour promoting the joys of despotism.

Nick and Octavia were in a side room where Princess Esme and the Librarian were helping Nick and Octavia get ready for the ceremony. Both were dressed up in centuries old robes and the finery of Lancre's gloried past and both were as fussy as school children being forced to wear the ancient, heavy, uncomfortable clothes that reeked of mothballs. Princess Esme seemed infatuated with Nicks golden eye. "You can really see with it?"

"I can see great," said Nick, "as good or better than before. This eye has a lot of options."

"I'm afraid it will freak out mother, changing from the largest bird on the disk to a human was one thing, but this..." Both Queen Magrat and Princess Esme were there when Nick returned as a rok and overflew the pond then changed back to his human form and slid into Octavia's arms

"Here, put this on," said Octavia and she handed Nick his crockelgator hide eyepatch which he put on. It added a touch of swagger to the stuffy old robes he was wearing.

"It's a shame that you have to wear that, it will ruin your vision of the day's events," said Princess Esme as the guests of honor were called to line up.

"Oh, he can see right through that," said Octavia. Games of "Hide and Fuck" played on warm summer nights on Bear Mountain taught her that there's nowhere she can hide to escape Nick and Nick's Dick. Not that there's any reason for her to evade it...

"How can he..."

Nick whispered in her ear, "Fortune favors the bold."

Esme almost shrieked in outrage because just below her left breast was tattooed a Klatchian phrase, "Audaces Fortuna Juvat," which translates to "Fortune Favors the Bold." The crown princess sputtered and fumed as Harold Lorechestershire banged his staff three times calling the courtroom to order.

"If it please yer highness!" cried Harold the Herald, "the honorable Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Stein, witch, and his familiar, Gaspode the Wonderdog, and Virga.

Nick strode up the aisle wearing the old robes of a long dead marquis or earl, or viscount, some other notable nobleman, but he also wore a slouch hat with the dingaroo fangs in the crockelgator hide hatband and the right side of the brim pinned up with the Bear Mountain badge of Queen Magrat's elite guard. Princess Esme also added a bright red Ostridge plume from a Howandaland Red Ostridge. With his trimmed beard that has a bare spot due to his scar, he looked every bit a XXXXian bush ranger dressed up for a night on the town. To his left walked Gaspode and to his right walked the sapient pearwood walking stick Virga.

At one point as they marched up the aisle, a cat sprung out of the crowd and Gaspode almost chased it. Virga was prepared for that and was ready to chase after Gaspode, but luckily the crowd was saved the spectacle of a stick chasing a dog. Gaspode flinched but realized that there was something wrong with that cat, someone had put it up to this and he remained in step with Nick and Virga. "Thank you," whispered Nick.

"No problem."

"Esme!" whispered a witch in attendance, "leave the lad alone."

"He's not a witch Gytha," insisted Granny Weatherwax, "and I'm not going to stand for it."

"Let him be, we can go chat with the lad tomorrow," hissed Nanny Ogg. "You don't see the wizards mumbling over 'is woman stealing their thunder." {Actually, they were but The Librarian was keeping them at bay with threats of peeling them like a ripe banana if they ruin his daughter's wedding}

Again, there were three more bangs on the floor that echoed through the hall. "If it please yer highness!" cried Harold the Herald, "the enchantress Doctor Octavia Worblehat-Stein and her father Doctor Horace Worblehat, Senior Master Librarian of the Unseen University."

Octavia was dressed in her long, flowing enchantress robes, almost completely invisible to her husband, so to keep him from taking her on the floor in front of their king she bound her breasts and wore panties which caused Nick to want to take her more. Under her long robes she wore her high heeled musketeer boots and she wore her wide brimmed hat that looked a bit like Nick's slouch hat, and like Nick she wore the brim folded up on the right side, pinned in place by a Bear Mountain badge of Queen Magrat's elite guard.

"Doctor!" sneered Granny Weatherwax under her breath, "there's only one thing she can cure dressed like that." Then Granny realized that she was being given The Stare by her former student, now her queen, Magrat Verance.

"Nice one Esme," giggled Nanny Ogg, "yer gonna git us thrown outta 'ere. Oi've never been thrown out of a palace before."

"Not with your clothes on," growled Granny. She was getting angry.

Behind them the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork, Lord Havelock Vetinari sensed a kindred spirit. He whispered almost soundlessly to his personal assistant, "Stuart, set up a meeting with the tall woman ahead of us." Stuart nodded and silently wrote the order in his notebook using a hand that the greatest code breakers in the Spies Guild have yet to crack. The patrician smells an opportunity thought Stuart with a grin.

Next to the witches, the Dean, now Archchancellor of Brazeneck College in Pseudopolis glared at the honored couple. Those two! How dare they! A female wizard? It's unnatural! A male witch? It's perverted! Sparks crackled at his fingertips as he prepared a fireball to throw. Behind him scowled Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of the Unseen University in Ankh-Morpork. The Dean had been a thorn in Mustrum's side for decades and now that spherical man dare call himself an Archchancellor? Mustrum put up with his antics for far too long, one wrong move will spell the end of the dean.

Behind him flanked by an honor guard of Bush Wizards stood Bill Rincewind, Archchancellor of Bugarup University, Bugarup XXXX. Bill and his Dean of Library Sciences Bruce Dinkum were keeping an eye on the Dean and Ridcully and they realized that this could get ugly very fast. Meanwhile off to the side stood Rifty Peregrine, dwarf. Rifty had a contract he needed signed, and as soon as the king is done with Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Stein, Rifty will dash in like an out of breath fanboy and ask for an autograph and that's it, Peregrine and Aegir Mining will own Bear Mountain and mining rights throughout all of Tallywiffle County.

Meanwhile up front, His Majesty King Verance II was thanking Nick and Octavia for saving nine planets, one of which was their own. "Kneel please," Nick and Octavia knelt holding hands believing that this was the marriage portion of the show, that's all they wanted to do was to appear before the royal couple and have their marriage validated. As they knelt King Verance began muttering in Klatchian, a language good for mottos, but beyond that Nick barely understood Klatchian.

Then the king began asking Nick and Octavia odd questions like, "Dost thou swear to abstain from attacking unescorted noblewomen for no reason?" and "Wouldst thou refrain from assaulting members of the clergy?" As the couple attempted to refrain from laughter, Verance took a long sword and tapped Their shoulders saying, "I knight thee in the name of the Kingdom of Lancre, Arise Sir Pommeraie de la Montesquieu! Arise Dame Octavia!"

Wait - they've both been knighted? For the entire audience the whole "Saving the world" concept went right over their heads, but having a knight in the kingdom that wasn't an octogenarian and challenging wizards for the title of most meals consumed in a week was a new concept. King Verance II had established a new campaign where knighthoods were bestowed for actual acts of heroism and bravery and not on political favoritism. It had been a very long time since the kingdom had a new knight to cheer.

Havelock Vetinari didn't mind his target being knighted, saving the world gets you a knighthood, everyone knows that, and being a knight would raise their value as a propaganda tool back in Ankh-Morpork. However, what happened next threw a wrench in his plans.

"Let it be known throughout the kingdom and all lands that Pommeraie de la Montesquieu, witch of the village of Creel Springs, Buckington Groves Township, Tallywiffle County, shall now reign as Duke of Wægn, along with her grace Octavia Worblehat-Stein as Dutchess of Wægn in perpetuity, for as long as they shall live, if anyone disputes this decision speak now or forever hold your peace."

Those in attendance held their collective breaths, this was something that King Verance included in all of his appointments. The first few times he did that no one spoke because they were afraid of losing their heads, but when they finally realized that no one was going to die, they began to speak up. Normally any opposition was looked into immediately by the king. This time an old crone rose in opposition. "Yes granny," said King Verance fearing the worst.

"What will this so-called witch use his powers for in the office of Duke? Will he bewitch people into overpaying taxes?"

Nick turned and looked at Granny Weatherwax as she stood ramrod straight in a sea of worried faces. "Dukes in the past have used force of arms to force people to overpay their taxes, and you wonder if I will take a different approach to appropriate ill-gotten gains? I will use neither, taxation will be based on publicly available records. Are you afraid I will review your tax records MISS Weatherwax?"

"Witches don't pay taxes," said Granny haughtily.

"I do," said Nick causing a smattering of applause which started to grow. Nick raised his hand for quiet and said, "It's a valid worry, but I pledge to you now that any powers I use will be used to protect and defend the people and resources of the Duchy of Wægn and in the service of my King and Queen, and most importantly... my wife."

There was a smattering of chuckles and more applause and Octavia clung to his arm, how did she get so lucky to find this man?

An old man, easily decades older than Granny rose to his feet, bowed by his years, an ally of Granny Weatherwax, he was Gaffer Scund. "How would ye use these powers of yours?" demanded the old man.

Nick nodded and said, "I found the ability to look like a deer comes in handy when poachers are in our woods."

"You can do that?" demanded Gaffer Scund.

"Aye. Ask MISS Weatherwax, she's seen me. Is that not right Ma'am?" and he flipped up his eye patch to show her for just a moment his golden eye.

Granny sighed; he defeated her without a shot being fired. "I have seen him, yes." She sat down and tried to ignore Nanny Ogg's laughter.

Gaffer Scund turned his back to Nick and banged his cane into the floor and shouted, "If that be true then I say... LONG LIVE DUKE STEIN!"

Octavia has never been so proud of Nick. Not long ago he was stealing bricks in the slums of Ankh-Morpork and was too innocent to realize he was stealing them; he was following the orders of a crooked property manager. Now he's a Duke in the Kingdom of Lancre, business owner and healer. Now the crowd was chanting "Long Live Duke Stein!"

"So be it," said the King wishing all of his decisions went over so joyfully. "Octavia Worblehat, Doctor of Multi-theistic Amphibology and Senior Master Librarian, would you consent to serve as the Royal Wizard to the court of Lancre and Royal Librarian?"

"Aye my lord."

The king addressed the assembled, "if anyone disputes this decision speak now or forever hold your peace." When no one uttered a word King Verance smiled and said, "So be it, does anyone have a staff for our wizard?"

"I do," then Nick took Virga and whispered, "we haven't been friends, but we had fun."

"No, we didn't have fun, your grace, but we survived some hard events together and it was an amazing journey and we both learned much in the adventure."

"Then Virga, I ask you for one more favor, you must additionally serve our lady" said Nick and he handed the walking stick back to Octavia to act as her staff. Already Virga was covering herself with thoughtful feminine designs. The stick is going to be so mad when she discovers that Virga is the Klatchian word for "Stick."

"Finally," said King Verance as Harold stepped up holding a huge book open, "it is time we enter your marriage in the ledger of the Kingdom of Lancre, please enter with your new legal signatures." Both Nick and Octavia entered their last names exactly the same, then the king announced, "LANCRE! I PRESENT TO YOU, MR. AND MRS. WORBLEHAT-STEIN!"

After the sweetest, most tender public kiss either of them had, the Librarian threw his meter and a half long arms around Nick, and Octavia realized that her dad was almost weeping. "Ook," he said softly.

"Why? Because you have been more of a father to me than any other man," said Nick. "I want your grandchildren and their children to know how much that means to me... aakk!" Nick barely survived his father's bone crushing hug.

As the crowd gathered around the joyful couple to congratulate them, Granny Weatherwax was steaming. Can't they see that their new witch is a man??? He's going to come into the job with all kinds of crazy man ideas like steel farm implements and axe handles that absorb shock. And Octavia is just as bad, perverting her feminine sensibilities with book learning and things like echo-gnomics, joligy, and jommetry! Why would a proper woman need wizarding?

Unfortunately for Esmirelda Weatherwax, Octavia Worblehat-Stein and the other wizards think that an Enchantress is a female wizard, but she's not. She's something entirely different and if they knew what an enchantress was they would rightfully be demanding that she be tied to a stake and burned before it's too late. Only her staff Virga knows for sure what an Enchantress fully is and it passed that knowledge on to Nick but it's buried in his mind among mountains of other information that he's still processing. Not only did Virga pass on the knowledge of what Octavia is, but Virga also passed on some of that power to Nick.

For his part Havelock Vetinari was angry with King Verance II of Lancre. With one breath he bestowed a dukedom on a recently trained brick carrier and named him the witch of all of Tallywiffle County, an area equivalent to his duchy. Then he appointed the wizard to his court! The two people that Havelock wanted, the people he needed for his plans, and a king with fewer than 1,000 subjects poached them out from under his nose.

Esme Weatherwax and Havelock Vetinari watched the couple laugh and play with the children of Lancre in the palace courtyard and they made their plans...

"Sire!" panted an excited dwarf holding up a piece of parchment on a clipboard, "can I get your autograph so I can tell the rest of my clan that I met you?"

"Autograph?" up until this very moment Nick didn't realize that dwarves actually existed so this dwarf appearing out of the crowd was a bit of a shock. He looked at Octavia and she shrugged. "Ok," and Nick took the quill proffered by the excited dwarf and scribbled on the parchment. "There you go."

"Thank you, your grace." And Rifty turned to leave, happy with his bit of subterfuge, until he looked at the parchment. Nick had written, "Great to meet you, good luck in all that you do, X." He turned back to Nick who was shaking hands and said, "Your Grace, is that your signature?"

"No, that's my autograph."

"Your Grace, could I get your actual signature, so my clan knows for sure it is you?"

"Let me look..." Nick took the scroll from Rifty and it unrolled, hit the floor and started unrolling and Nick realized that the page he scribbled on was a part of a MUCH larger document. He glanced at the other pages then rolled up the document and tucked it into his belt. "Meet me at the bookstore in Creel Springs on Wednesday and we'll discuss this."

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Nick and Octavia spent the weekend in the Lancre palace spending time with the King and Queen and their children and the children of the staff. They discussed the king's ideas for the Duchy of Wægn and when Nick wasn't talking with the King about Wægn, Octavia was talking to him about his plans for the court wizard and the court library. Octavia was hoping that with a little planning she could put together a library with enough books to create a portal into L-Space, that would save her a lot of time commuting to the palace.

What he and Octavia were talking about was traveling through L-Space. L-Space is a intradimentional portal caused by the most powerful thing in the universe: Books.

The theory behind L-Space is simple, yet it is often overlooked by mundane users of libraries. The theory states that in enormous quantities books warp space and time around them. The principle of L-Space revolves around the universal law that 'Knowledge is Power'. Books contain knowledge, therefore:

BOOKS = KNOWLEDGE and KNOWLEDGE = POWER therefore BOOKS = POWER

Power is best described in the following equation:

POWER = (FORCE X DISTANCE ÷ TIME)

The power generated by copious quantities of magical and mundane books create portals into L-Space that can be accessed using innate powers of Librarianship that are taught by the Librarians of Time and Space to those deemed worthy across the multiverse. This means that all bookstores are infinite in extent; libraries are gateways into literary hyperspace. In other words, "a good bookshop is just a genteel blackhole that knows how to read."

When Sunday afternoon rolled around Octavia said her goodbyes. The royal family watched as Octavia led her pony from the stables, placed the bags on the horses back then whispered in her pony's ear and it knelt giving her easy access to his back. She climbed on and the horse carefully rose to his feet and with only a bridal and reins Octavia was ready to go. She was barefoot, riding bareback and her staff Virga was slung to her back diagonally. "Where is your husband?" asked Queen Magrat.

"He's here, don't worry," said Octavia from the back of her horse. The Ramtop Mountain pony is often a draft horse or a pack horse but it's also considered an excellent riding horse for women. It stands a bit shorter than the average horse, but it looks beautiful, glossy black color with a flowing bright blond mane and tail.

"Wouldn't you rather have a saddle?" asked King Verence.

"No, I learned to ride bareback and I never got used to a saddle. I just can't feel the horse properly," and with a nudge of her bare ankles the horse nickered and stepped out. As they exited the castle the horse looked at Princess Esme and she noticed that the horse's left eye was made of gold.

"Goodbye your grace," sighed the princess, and the beautiful horse nickered in response and he carried Octavia home. As she watched with her parents, brothers, and guards, Crown Princess Esme sighed, "when I get older, I don't want a husband, I want a horse just like that one."

It was a beautiful day for the 15 mile journey from Lancre Town to Creel Springs. The sun was warm and the air was refreshing. As they traveled Nick discovered that the horse he was wearing was half asleep as they walked, it was looking for rocks and holes to avoid as it walked, but little else, he was effectively sleepwalking. Nick never really liked horses and now he knows why he mistrusts them so much, unless they're running they're not truly paying attention. Content with letting Nick drive, Octavia was spending her time inspecting Virga and admiring her new carvings.

"I love this one," said Octavia, "what is it?"

"'at's a fertility symbol from Zambingo," said a voice from behind a large rock on the side of the road.

"Damn it Carl, could you be quiet?" whispered another voice harshly.

"It's quite beautiful," said the first voice, Carl, defensively. "Obviously Zambingan."

"Oi never should have brought you along," complained the second voice as two robbers stepped out from behind the rock. "All right, give us your gold and jewelry."

Octavia didn't look concerned. "I don't have anything like that. I'm just trying to get home."

"What are we going to do now Alfie?" asked Carl, the first voice Octavia heard.

"Most robbers take anything of value," said Gaspode.

"We're robbers, we take everything of value," said Alfie.

"Like what?" said Carl.

The two robbers looked at each other confused until the horse said, "That horse is valuable."

"That 'orse is valuable," said Alfie.

The horse gloomily looked at Gaspode who said, "Get used to it, It happens every time."

"OK lady, off the 'orse," demanded Alfie.

As Octavia slid down off the horse she said, "The Duke of Wægn does not look on horse thieves kindly."

"Har, har, har!" laughed Alfie. "It's a shame he's not here, ain't it Carl.

"Duh, dat's right Alfie."

The bandits tied up Octavia and left her sitting beside the road leaning against the rock then, still laughing about the Duke, they led the horse behind the rock where for some reason they found themselves leading a naked man. Octavia heard Alfie shout "Oi! Where the 'ell is our 'orse?" then she heard the distinct sound of two coconuts hitting together, followed by the sounds of bodies being dragged out from behind the rock.

"Are you OK?" asked Nick as he untied his wife. He checked her over making sure her flawless skin was free of blemish or cut from her handling by the two highwaymen.

"Aww, they're not bad, they're just stupid," said Octavia as she hugged Nick. "What are you going to do with them?" as she watched Nick tie them up.

"I think I'm going to hire them."

"What?"

"We have a couple of positions opening in the Duchy of Wægn that would require their unique skillset, I just hope they're smarter than a rock." Nick took a piece of parchment and penned a note to the patrol team that was following them by about an hour.

"What skillset is that?" asked Octavia as she wiped the bridal free of dirt.

"It takes a thief to catch a thief," and there was a flash of octarine light and once again Octavia had a horse to ride.

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They were only gone for four days but it felt like months to Octavia as they returned to their cottage. Dutchess Octavia Worblehat-Stein! She had always dreamed of becoming a baroness or a viscountess but now she's royalty! A duchess! She wanted to dance; she wanted to sing! She wanted to know what to make for dinner... She was so engrossed with being home that she completely lost track of the time, and she also lost track of the time it would take to prepare dinner. She opened one of Nana Partridges cookbooks and saw something called Pot Roast and decided to give that a try.

She went down to the cold cellar and grabbed the ingredients she needed, then returning to the kitchen she placed a piece of beef in a large iron pot then took several vegetables and placed them on the cutting board. She turned the beef over in the iron pot {it was browned perfectly on one side so far} then turning back to the cutting board she found that the vegetables were peeled and sliced perfectly, cut into equal size pieces, potatoes, carrots, parsnips, and onions. She poured them in the iron pot, added salt and a few other spices, a bit of water and covered the pot.

"Ok, I hauled a couple more sledges full of wood down to the cottage," said Nick. Cutting firewood is a lot of work, but the hard part of cutting firewood is getting it down to the cottage from where it was stacked up in the woods. He found a sledge in the tool shed and was able to drag several armloads of wood down the hill at a time on the sledge. The dry pine needles made the sliding easier but it was still quite a task loading the sledge, dragging it down the hill, stacking the wood behind the cottage, then pulling the sledge back up the hill for more. He was drenched with sweat and smelled like a very hardworking man... one who is going to get a workout tonight too. "What's for dinner?"

"Pot roast," she said as she swept the peelings into her raised apron. "Let me feed the rabbits. You go wash up and we can eat."

Nick cracked the lid of the iron pot and sniffed and it smelled delicious! Hot and bubbly, the beef was falling off the bone tender, the gravy thick and delicious. How did she get it so perfect? They've only been home a couple of hours. He headed to the shower when he noticed, the stove was cold, and the fireplace hearth was cold too. How did she cook it?

They ate dinner at the small table on the front porch and watched the sun set, somewhere beyond the woods, probably down at the watermill, a jongleur, an itinerant minstrel played a lute to add music to their meal. Their dinner was illuminated by the slightly green glow of a tiny fairy that rested in a canning jar. The fairy hooked her elbows on the rim of the jar taking short break as Nick and Octavia finished their dinner.

"Honey? How did you prepare dinner so fast?"

"I..." Octavia paused... how did she do it so fast? She held a finger up to Nick, hopefully indicating that she was thinking and finally said, "I'm not quite sure."

"You don't know?" Her answer was not what Nick expected.

"I know that I did do it, I just don't know how I did it."

"I don't understand," said Nick.

"I knew what I wanted to make, I knew how to make it, but it kind of made itself from there." Her brow furrowed and she said, "I used magic but I didn't use any magic I'm familiar with."

"Wishcraft?" Nick asked.

"No, that's triggering magic unconsciously, I was fully conscious of what I was doing."

"Kitchen magic?"

"There's no such thing," said Octavia. "Believe me, otherwise a dorm full of hungry underclassmen at ////// wouldn't be sneaking fruit out of the dining hall for later snacking." No matter how hard she tried, she still couldn't say the name of the school she attended, the source of her primary education was protected by a very strong spell that prevented graduates of the school from revealing the name of the school to anyone who wasn't a student or graduate.

"Maybe it does exist, but it was forgotten and you somehow rediscovered it."

"Maybe," said Octavia but she was unconvinced.

"No matter how you made it, it was delicious." Nick decided discretion was the better part of valor, he's got an idea what is happening and he didn't know how to handle it if it were true. Hoping to change the subject he said, "We need to go over this document I got from the dwarf. There's something inside Bear Mountain they want and he's going to be here tomorrow to go over this proposal with me and I really value your opinion on this, my duchess."

"Well, your grace," purred Octavia as her hand stroked his inner thigh, "I will require compensation later."

Nick opened the scroll and laid it out on the table using coffee cups to keep it from rolling back up. Octavia scanned the opening paragraphs which were typical legalese gibberish using many words to say little. But Nick pointed to a paragraph halfway down the document and her eyes narrowed in anger. "The... The... That thing goes right through our house!" The proposal called for a tramway to haul mine tailings and waste through their farm into Creel Springs where it gets dumped in the valley.

"It gets worse," said Nick pointing the plan for toxic waste.

"Not on our watch."

Unnoticed to the young couple, Bear Mountain let out a sigh of relief, somebody cares!

<><><><><>

Rifty Peregrine, sales agent for the Peregrine and Aegir Mining Consortium was angry. He was given a simple mining lease to get signed and he's run into nothing but setbacks. He was told to get the local witch to sign because in this backward community the only authority in the area was witches. After days of searching, he found that the witch he was looking for, Mother Marisol, had been dead for decades. She was replaced by a wizard, Besingger Floyd, but he was dead too. His replacement, Nana Partridge, was also dead. She was replaced by some guy who claims to be a witch.

Believing that the hicks of the area were taunting him, Rifty went to the king of Lancre who said "You need the Duke of Wægn's signature on that lease. That authority lies with him and I'm not going to usurp him in his first day in office. Rifty tried to get the Duke's signature right after he was crowned duke, but Rifty asked for an autograph and that's what Rifty got, a non-binding autograph that every court on the Disc would throw out.

Now he's waiting in the bright sunshine outside of a bookstore in some hick village while the yokels glare at him as they walk past. It's anti-dwarf hatred is what this is. He could hear the duke and duchess muttering softly inside occasionally chuckling.

Actually, there was no one inside, the sounds that Rifty was hearing were echoes of a previous conversation that Octavia set to replay continuously, it soothed the books' nerves to hear sympathetic voices while they wait for their call to be read. {Contrary to popular opinion, books hate being left alone. They would much rather spend their day beside a warm fire, the scent of coffee filling their binding, while each of their pages is being gently turned one by one... this is book sex}

The books weren't left alone too long this Wednesday afternoon, eventually The Duke of Wægn appeared from the stacks leading a unique looking dwarf, the dwarf was wearing flowers in the long silver hair that flowed from under his iron helmet, his hair was braided into long silver braids, he wore eye makeup, lipstick, and he braided his beard into twin tails, each tied off with a pastel colored ribbon. He was a She, an emancipated female dwarf.

As Dwarven society on the discworld evolved the male and female dwarves were completely equal. Since both sexes were generally the same shape and both had beards, male and female dwarves filled the same positions in society and all pronouns were decidedly dwarven, that is to say, male. The only time a female dwarf was female outside of the bedroom, was the first two years after childbirth. Once the child is able to swing a pickaxe the child enters dwarven society as a junior member.

But recently female dwarves have started to demand emancipation and the ability to be treated like females of the other races on the disc, which included hairstyles, eye makeup, lipstick, and gayly colored frocks. Males of the dwarven race are slowly coming around to the idea of having a wife that looks like a female, but right now both sexes are dead set against shaving.

Following them came the Duchess of Wægn leading a tall, armor clad gentleman who was amazed that he was able to travel from Ankh-Morpork to Lancre in a matter of moments where it was a full five day journey on horse. As the four settled in and reviewed the document that Rifty gave to Nick, outside Rifty strained to hear what was happening. The shades were drawn on his side of the building protecting the books from damaging sunlight and preventing Rifty from seeing who was in there.

Finally, a small, wire haired terrier stepped up to Rifty and said, "They're ready for you."

Stunned, Rifty stood and followed the dog into the bookstore where he found a table set up and four people lined up facing him. He recognized the Duke and Duchess, but the other two he wasn't quite sure about... and one was a female dwarf flaunting her gender! Anger began to boil in his soul, it was three humans and a female dwarf versus one true dwarf. "Good morning," started the Duke, "or should I say good afternoon. Sorry it took so long but I reached out to two people to help us with this negotiation. To my left is Captain Carrot Ironfounderson, he will help with human/dwarven interactions and make sure I don't embarrass or insult the honor of the dwarven race."

Rifty's hopes began to sink, he's heard of Carrot Ironfounderson. Carrot is a human that was raised as a dwarf by adoptive dwarven parents, commander of the Ankh-Morpork City Watch, and he was married into Überwald royalty. Carrot's wife is a housebroken werewolf, Captain Angua of the City Watch. There's only a few people who know dwarven law like Carrot and he's not the type to let anything slip past him.

Nick continued. "To my right is Her Majesty Blodwen Rhysdottir who so graciously consented to assist me in these negotiations."

"Anything to help the newest members of the royal court," the female dwarf chuckled.

Rifty's hopes hit rock bottom. Somehow Duke Worblehat-Stein convinced one of the few dwarves on the Disc who knew more about dwarven law than Carrot to join his panel. Blodwen Rhysdottir not only knows dwarven law, but Blodwen Rhysdottir is dwarven law, she is the Low Queen of the Dwarfs, she is under all Dwarfs, and what she says goes.

{In dwarven society, because they always strive to dig ever deeper, down to dwarves is what up is to humans. The low queen for a dwarf would be a high queen for a human. The queen being under all dwarves is similar to the human king being over all subjects}

"Before we get started do you have any questions?" asked the Duke.

"I was led in here by a dog?"

"Gaspode is my oldest companion and commander of The Duke's Guard. {The Duke's Guard consists of Gaspode and Gula, the gargoyle that is in the overhead beams glaring down on the proceedings} Now let's start with paragraph three which discusses the disposal of overburden."

"Yes sir, we try to..." Rifty suddenly noticed that everyone in the room was glaring at him, including the dog and the wizard's staff. He could feel the duke's empty eye socket behind that terrifying patch glaring at him also {Rifty clearly didn't know that the eye socket wasn't empty} "I'm sorry, did I...?"

"While Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein was knighted and sir would be an appropriate form of address," boomed the Low Queen, "keep in mind he is the Duke, he is royalty which casts him far lower than you. The proper form of address is "Your Grace."

Chastised by the lowest ranking dwarf on the entire Disc Rifty was visibly shook and he tried desperately to get back on track. "Thank you for the correction your majesty, and I apologize your grace. Was there a problem with the third paragraph?"

"Yes," said Nick. "Overburden is a term used in surface mining. Since surface mining is illegal in the Duchy of Wægn, we won't need paragraph three, nine, and sixteen through twenty one."

Octavia watched her man lead the panel with confidence befitting the title that King Verance dropped on him in surprise. She realized that Nick had passionately fallen in love with Bear Mountain as much as she has along with the entire surrounding countryside and the people under his protection and he was fighting to keep this bit of heaven unsullied by the avarice and cupidity of a tribe of dwarves. The only word that could describe what Octavia was feeling was "wow." She was so proud of Nick that she wanted to throw him down and fuck him senseless and she didn't care who watched. Her crush has turned into a crusher and is handling his responsibilities with incredible grace and honesty.

Bear Mountain was bare from the 9,000 foot up, for some reason no trees grew higher than that point, most other mountains featured trees well past 11,000 feet. Bear Mountain was 14,201 feet tall and the top 5,201 feet were completely bare of trees. It also has a wide prominence, meaning that it has broad shoulders, it's not a sharp, pointy mountain except for the last 200 feet, which looks like a finger pointing to the sky.

Bear Mountain is the heart and soul of Tallywiffle County and the life blood of each farm and family. Bear Mountain supplies the people with the water, wood, and wildlife that they need to live. In return the witches insure the proper conduct of those that use the generous resources provided by Bear Mountain, and the king gave the witch that oversees Bear Mountain some horsepower by restoring the duchy and making the witch a royal responsible directly to the king. the Peregrine and Aegir Mining consortium is going to respect the demands of the Duke and Duchess or they're going to look elsewhere for whatever it is that they want. "What would you like to add dear?" Nick asked.

"I'm sorry," said Octavia looking through her notes, "did we cover water purity?"

"No, we will cover water purity later," said Carrot who was enjoying the proceedings. He loved to see the rules followed and the people's lands protected. It's time his dwarven brothers learn some responsibility.

"Ok then," said Octavia as she collected her thoughts, "You have coal listed as a mine tailing. What grade of coal are you expecting to encounter?"

"Bituminous, but there's a chance it may be anthracite," answered an annoyed Rifty. For dwarves coal was used to cook over but other than that it's just a useless rock. Here in Creel Springs coal is a life saver during the long cold winters. It burns hot and long, a coal fire at night will keep a family warm and alive in a long winter night. The blacksmith Trei pays a small fortune getting sacks of coal delivered for his forge. Having a local source of hot, clean burning anthracite would be a gods send to him.

"Coal will be kept separate from other tailings and made available to the residents of Tallywiffle County. Gemstones will be separated from other tailings and be kept for the Duchy of Wægn." Octavia looked at Nick confused and asked, "Why should the duchy collect the gemstones?"

Nick shrugged, "I was thinking of handing a gemstone to first time mothers." He indicated Rifty and said, "They don't want them, they were just going to throw them in a waste pile with rock and coal. Why not give a shiny bauble to a new mom?"

"I like that idea Duke! Don't forget salt," said Blodwen Rhysdottir, her voice was booming and it rattled the windows. "Chances are good that a layer of salt lies beneath that mountain."

"Now we have to separate our mine tailings?" whined Rifty.

"Yes," said Nick and Octavia simultaneously. "Any toxic contaminants will either be stored inside the mine structure or carted off site to a disposal facility outside of the Kingdom of Lancre," Nick added.

"Why outside of Lancre Kingdom?" demanded Rifty.

"Because nowhere in Lancre is the storage of toxic contaminants allowed." Rifty now realized that push had come to shove, and they were done pushing him, now they were shoving.

They took a break for dinner and had smoked brisket and boiled baby potatoes before going back to the last item of contention, mountain access and the removal of trees. The terms were strict, all mountain access was to be from the hubward side of the mountain and only trees with a diameter less than two feet may be cut for any reason, such as road building or for shoring up mine tunnels. The hubward side is considered to be the back side of the mountain, all of Lancre was rimward of Bear Mountain.

"I suppose that finished this discussion, I'm ready to sign," said Nick.

"Wait!" cried Rifty, "what about this section regarding fines and fees?"

"There's no discussion, these fines and fees stand," replied Nick. "It's the price of doing business in Lancre."

Fines for cutting down the wrong tree, fines for shooting the wrong game animal, fines for dumping mine waste in a convenient (for the dwarves) location, it was ridiculous! Red face, eyes bulging, Rifty signed the final contract and was given his copy to take back to Peregrine and Aegir Mining's office in Schmaltzburg, then he stormed out of the bookstore without a word.

"You did your damnedest to dissuade them from the project without saying no," said Blodwen Rhysdottir as Nick guided the dwarven low queen back to Überwald through the bookshelves of L-Space to Lady Überwald's private library. "You got free coal, free salt, free aggregate, and a free road to get to those riches," she laughed, "And all it cost your king was naming one duke!"

"He did not seem happy to see you there, your highness," added Nick.

"You keep your eye on them," said Queen Blodwen. "Peregrine and Aegir are as nasty as they come, there's something under that mountain that they want, they made far too many concessions just for iron and gold. If you had told them no, there's no guessing what they would do to reach their goal. They would have dug anyhow, after digging your grave."

"Thank you for your concern your highness. I have a couple of fellows who I'm going to train tomorrow and they're going to be my contract enforcers."

"Anyone can be bribed my dear Duke."

"As long as the rules are enforced we'll call that part of their income. My enforcers aren't very bright, so if they take a bribe, I'll figure it out right away. I have a way of convincing people to see things my way."

"You are a sweetie your grace, if I weren't already taken I'd give you a run for your money."

"I appreciate the inuendo, your highness, but you would have an enchantress to contend with."

"By the Gods! A real and true enchantress walks among us, and I sat there all day near her." Low Queen Blodwen Rhysdottir shook her head in wonder. "I would love to spend some time talking with your wife."

Nick was a bit shocked at the Low Queen's reaction. "I thought an enchantress was just a female wizard but you react like there's more. She went to wizarding school and earned her degrees..."

"No, an enchantress is so much more than that. Once she finds her mate the game has just begun." Blodwen looked up at Nick and raised an eyebrow. "It's said that when she finds her mate her clothing is... her gown becomes..."

"It's invisible," said Nick.

"For truth?" asked the shocked dwarf.

"Not always, she has one set of robes that started turning invisible to me as we fell in love and in a few more days we were married. We had to if you catch my drift. She doesn't wear it in public, she says I get too "grabby." With a wry smile he added, "the more I fall in love with her, the less those robes conceal."

"Oh, you devil." The queen chuckled as she thought of all the possibilities, but she also worried, there's been tales in ancient literature of what an enchantress is. There's usually one per generation, but the sad women never find their mates, it's been over four centuries since an enchantress found her mate that the records show. "Thank you for escorting me back to Überwald," said Low Queen Blodwen Rhysdottir. "I may have to look in to building a library."

"It takes much more than a big library; it takes the right collection of books and a librarian or storekeeper to maintain it and teach you the way of navigating L-Space. Igor here can help you," Nick pointed out Igor, the head librarian of Lady Überwald's private library.

"Yeth marther," said Igor with a deep bow. "If the low queen ith therious about a library, we can dithcuth the thience involved in L-thpace."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

It was a glorious, quiet period, no babies to deliver, no emergency at the palace, no dwarves aching to gut a mountain just a glorious summer to explore their new life with each other. One evening Nick and Octavia decided to climb to the top of Bear Mountain just to be able to say that they made the climb, so they packed a couple of packs with clothing and food, then the next morning just after sunrise they headed up to the top of Bear Mountain. They traveled with Nick as a Ramtop Mountain pony and Octavia on his back, rubbing her pussy against his back while Gaspode and Virga trotted alongside and Gula clung to Octavia's pack. The idea was to spread out a blanket and make love at 14,201 feet where anyone could see them, if they had eyes like an eagle.

Neither Nick nor Octavia had ever been up on a mountain before, but both found the trek exhilarating. When Nick takes the form of a Ramtop Mountain pony and carries his wife, a feeling of togetherness overwhelms them, their silent conversations become deep, heartfelt communication, even if they're just talking about the scenery. As they climbed in elevation they found an area where the mountain side was covered with Sweetwood trees, the bark on every tree was snow white with dark red spots here and there and the leaves were heart shaped and bright gold but will turn red in the autumn. Trei the blacksmith told Nick to keep some Sweetwood on the woodpile for those "special nights" with Octavia because the wood smelled so aromatic when it burned, it smells like perfume.

Under the glowing golden canopy of the Sweetwood trees, their banter and silent teasing took their toll and Octavia realized that she couldn't wait to get to the top of the mountain and she slid off Nick's back and she spread her blanket on a cushion of leaves. "Is there anything wrong?" Nick asked, and in answer Octavia's skirt pooled around her ankles and her blouse slid off her shoulders and dropped to the ground.

Nick didn't need any more answer than that and behind Octavia came the octarine flash and she felt her man approach, his hands so strong and warm grasped her hips and pulled her back to him, his throbbing erection pressing against her back. His hands worked up from her hips over her waist to her ribs where he grasped her tightly, his lips, teeth, and tongue which was nibbling at her earlobe began moving down to her neck. The thrill of his teeth gnawing at her neck and her shoulder soon had her excited. "Don't tease me," she gasped as his hands cupped her breasts and began to gently squeeze.

"Tease?" he whispered, his tongue tracing around her ear. "Is this teasing?" he gently pinched both aching nipples between thumb and forefinger and began to roll them gently, ever so gently. His tongue tracing around her ear, probing gently, his teeth nipping and tugging at her ear lobes his hands exploring and squeezing all engineered to make her crazy. They're both new at making love and they're both getting very good at what they're doing to each other, Octavia felt sparks and tingles of excitement as he gently urged her to higher and higher levels of pleasure.

"Yes," she gasped, "that's teasing."

"Maybe I should avoid doing that then." But he didn't slow down, in fact if anything he redoubled his taunting, his fingers drove her to higher levels of excitement. One hand left her breast and crept down her body, spider walking lower and lower with a quick stop to tickle her belly button, then another stop to explore her sparce pubic bush.

A tiny whimper escaped Octavia's lips as Nick's fingers began to explore her soaked vagina. "Pardon? Is this teasing?" he asked.

"Yes," she squeaked.

"Should I stop?"

"No." She could barely speak he had her so excited. His middle finger began to circle her clitoris and his other hand, still at her left breast pinched her nipple causing her to squeak in shock.

"Did you say stop?"

"No," she gasped but she was closer to screaming.

"I can stop if you want me to." Now two fingers began orbiting her clit gently, his fingers squeezed and taunted her nipple, then to make matters worse he crouched down behind her and ran his wet tongue up the length of her spine, very slowly.

"Oh my GODS!" she cried, startling birds who took to flight.

"Ok, I'll stop!" said Nick.

"Don't you dare stop!" Octavia leaned back against Nick and she placed her hand over the hand that was massaging her pussy, and with her other hand she grasped her free breast and began squeezing and twisting her nipple. "I need you now..."

"Would you like me to fuck you?"

That question alone almost made Octavia cum, Nick has been such a sweet and gentle lover, he's never spoken to her like that, ever, and hearing those words come out of his mouth at her height of excitement almost made her cum. "Gods yes," she groaned and she pushed her ass back at his hips, grinding his cock into her ass.

"Tell me what you want," he whispered as his fingers stopped rubbing her clit and started to ease between her nether lips.

"Fuck me," she said.

"I didn't quite hear that," he whispered.

"Please fuck me!" she gasped. Now she realized he was intentionally keeping her from cumming by slowing down and playing these silly word games.

"Louder! Let the mountain know!" he cried.

"FUCK ME DAMNIT!" she shouted, and it felt good to shout that!

"Then get on your hands and knees duchess," he kissed her shoulder then pushed her forward and at his touch she dropped to her hands and knees. She adores his ways of gentle loving, but now isn't the time for that, they've been teasing each other all the way up the mountain, projecting their feelings and memories of their sexual escapades over the past couple of months to each other and now the time for foreplay is over. Octavia tingled with excitement as she felt Nick take his place behind her and placed the head of his cock at the mouth of her hungry cunt and then he grabbed her luscious hips and very slowly eased his way into his overstimulated wife.

Trembling with need Octavia tried to push back on his cock but he held her hips in check and continued the slow, torturous spreading of her twitching inner walls at the rate that he dictated. She thought she was ready but when Nick eased into her, Octavia swore that her husband had retained a few attributes of the horse he had most recently been. He felt huge inside her, achingly huge, spreading her open as he ever so slowly plunged his swollen cock into her. "Good Gods!" she gasped {knowing that there are actually no good gods in the Discworld pantheon, they're just as bitter and petty as their worshipers} and she lowered herself to her elbows surrendering her ass to Nick.

Even though he was fully in charge of this fuck, Nick realized that there was no way that he could do anything that she didn't want. Being married to an enchantress was a blessing and a gift from the gods IF you don't mind being the lover/protector of the most powerful being on the discworld. If you're the type that needs his manhood validated by a subservient woman, find someone else. Nick got all the validation he would ever need every time the head of his cock gently touches her cervix. He looked down at her cello shaped form, her strong shoulders and the sides of her large round breasts narrowing to her slim waist, then rounding to her hips and perfect ass, and from behind like this the scent of her arousal urged him on more than words ever could.

Halfway in now, and her whimpers rang in Nicks ears, then he started moving his cock in and out to spread her copious lubrication over his cock bringing even more whimpers of delight to his ears... it was like applause and his heart started beating faster...

"Applause?" she asked.

"I didn't say anything," said Nick.

"Every time I make a noise you think about applause."

"Because it is applause, it lets me know you're enjoying what I'm doing and that you want more," said Nick as he stroked his fingertips up her back.

Octavia smiled and rested her cheek on her crossed arms and smiled. She liked that analogy, so she wiggled her ass back at him. "Make me cheer you on."

If she had said "Fuck me harder" that would not have had the same effect as "Make me cheer you on." Nick once again grabbed her hips but this time he began to fuck savagely. The deep, cunt-jarring strokes of his cock caught her unaware and every gut bruising stroke of his cock seemed to be part of her undoing. Nick fucked her as hard and as fast as he was able and Octavia could only hang on and enjoy the ride. Breasts swinging, nipples dragging against the blanket, drool running out the corner of her mouth, hair matted to her sweat covered brow... this was the best!

"YES!" she screamed with each slap of his groin into her ass, the sound of their bodies clapping together rang through the trees. She was afraid to say "harder" or "faster" for fear that he would find the energy to fuck harder or faster. As her second {or possibly fourth, she lost count} crashed over her she heard Nick shouting somewhere in the background of her own jumbled nerves, "I'M CUMMINGG!"

He held her motionless as he pushed his cock deep within her, she felt it jerking as he came inside of her, his body trembling, his breath caught in his throat, then with a roar his body relaxed and he pulled her over onto her side. He held her tight and remained motionless as the enormity of their lovemaking washed over him. The bubble of his satisfaction burst when Octavia said, "You better not be sleeping!"

"Did your mysterious unnamed school of wizarding have a class on how to break a spell? Because you did a great job on that one."

Grinning, Octavia rolled over to face Nick and said, "Yes, it was called bed check after lights out." Her smile and the twinkle in her eyes were genuine and their post coital kisses sweet.

"Yes, you told me about living in a co-ed dorm."

"It wasn't like that," said Octavia, "all the boys were nerds and the girls were worse." She eased a finger into Nick's mouth and said, "This was my only lover in that dorm." As they laughed and hugged Octavia broke the spell again and said, "We need a shower."

Nick had to agree, they were covered in sweat, sperm, and pussy juice and it was starting to dry on them. As Nick was about to say that there had to be a brook near them because he could hear the water splashing, Gaspode stepped to the edge of their blanket and began to shake, spraying them with water. "Gaspode! What the f..."

"You said you needed a shower," said the wonder dog dodging out of the way as Nick threw a handful of dried sweetwood leaves at him. "There's a pond right over here!" and he dashed off between the trees.

"Let's go see what our chief of security found," groaned Nick and he and Octavia rose. They folded their blanket but left their clothing and packs behind and followed Gaspode into the trees. Not too far they found a small pool tucked up tight against a limestone cliff. Water flowed down the face of the cliff, splashing off rocks and finally ended up in a pool that had steam rising from the surface of the rippling water.

"I wonder if the water isn't too hot," said Octavia as she crouched down to touch the water.

"I think it's safe," said Nick as he watched Gaspode dog paddle across the pool. He then eased into the steamy water which was probably 102 degrees {or 39 Celsius, or 15 to 20-ish in Morporkian measurement {Morporkian temperature scale starts at 0 which is the temperature of the average bedroom on a winter morning in Ankh-Morpork and goes to 100 which is the temperature of the ignition point of any book the Patrician disagrees with}}

Octavia slipped into the water and her eyes rolled in delight, "My gods this is wonderful!" she gasped as Nick began to calculate the ways it would take to arrange a pool like this down by the cottage.

"There may be a hot spring further down..." he said aloud as he moved next to Octavia.

"We had something at the wizarding school I went to, the gang called it a "sa-oona" and you make it out of wood, a bucket of water, and some hot rocks."

"Did they have a lot of hot rocks there?"

Octavia thought about it for a while, she was there seven years but never considered where the hot rocks came from. "They must have, they were always there in the sa-oona whenever we used the sa-oona."

Gaspode rolled his eyes in astonishment. All that magical power should have come with a modicum of common sense but having lived in the shadow of the Unseen University for years he and Nick know better. "Can we go home now?"

"I think we should finish up our exploration," said Nick as he got out of the pond and helped Octavia out.

"Remember to bring a towel or two next time we go hiking," said Octavia as they walked naked through the woods back to their packs. "I'm sure there's a lot to exploring in this area."

"What makes you say that?" asked Nick.

Octavia gave him an astonished look and said "Seriously?" She pointed out several objects that were carved out of rock and looked like lanterns. "Fairy lamps! There were half a dozen around the pool."

"What's a fairy lamp?"

Octavia shook her head and sighed {which did some awesome things with her breasts} then called out "Girls!" soon several fairies appeared, their dragonfly double wings flailing away like a dragon fly. Every single fairy looked like a slim, buxom little woman about four inches tall and each with wings. "Show my husband what fairy lanterns are for."

"Ok momma!" cried a little brunette fairy and the fairies darted off, each to their favorite lantern and crawled inside of it and started glowing.

"Wow," said Nick softly, "I never noticed the lamps."

"What were you looking at?" demanded Octavia.

"You," and Nick pulled her into his arms for a toe curling kiss.

It felt so good to be walking naked under the golden leaves, a hot spring to unwind in, enough fairy lamps to decorate the woods like Hogswatch Eve, all they need is a small cabin next to the hot spring to spend the night in. "We can hide here," she whispered as their lips parted.

"Hide from who?" asked Nick with a smile.

"Everybody."

They realized that they needed to get going so with one more kiss Octavia put on her dress and backpack, Gula "fell" up onto Octavia's pack and Octavia climbed on to her kneeling pony and soon they were back to their climb. The trek through the Sweetwood grove was magical, everything had a golden glow because of the sunlight illuminating the trees and the canopy of leaves glowed a bright gold, it wasn't a steep climb but after they left the Sweetwood and returned to the hardy pine forests, the climb got very steep. Eventually it got so steep that Octavia couldn't cling to Nick's back anymore. She slid off and Nick returned to human form, pulled his sandals, kilt and shirt out of Octavia's pack and they continued the journey on foot with Gaspode continuing to complain every step of the way.

It didn't take long to reach the tree line and they discovered that there was no evidence of any trees or bushes above 9,000 feet. The tree line was arrow straight spanning the entire mountain, like a line was drawn and the mountain was shaved clean of trees from that line on upward. Normally when reaching the tree line on a mountain, the trees fade out the higher you go, there's trees above that line but they are twisted and stunted and they become fewer and fewer due to the extreme cold, lack of water, and high winds. However, on Bear Mountain, it was bare from 9,000 feet and up, heavy canopy forest suddenly gave way to bare stone. Tufts of grass grew here and there among the rocks, but no trees or bushes were on the mountain from this point up.

"I am so glad we didn't wait to climb this high to make love," Nick shouted over the frigid gusts of wind.

"Make love in this wind?" shouted Octavia, "are you crazy?"

"No! I was saying..." then the grin on her face showed Nick that she was taunting him, not exactly the same as he did to her, but teasing is teasing. They continued their climb with Gaspode now hopping from rock to rock, he was complaining all the way but he was having fun, Gula hanging on Nick's pack enjoying the view, and Virga happy to get out and be more than an ornament in an olliphont foot umbrella stand.

The last hundred feet seemed to be man-made, like someone decided that 14,100 feet wasn't tall enough and added another hundred feet by creating concentric rings of rock one atop another like a huge granite layer cake. Eventually Octavia reached the very top and found a four foot high circular wall built at the very peak of the mountain. "You coming up Gaspode?"

"No way, it doesn't want me up there," growled Gaspode. He had stopped five rings below the peak and refused to climb any closer to the stone wall. "There's something about that up there." The little dog shivered at the thought of getting any nearer to that cold grey stone wall. Gula was also leery of the strange wall and she growled louder the closer that Nick got to the wall. She finally let go of Nick's pack and hopped down and stayed with Gaspode.

Nick didn't feel like he was welcome near the wall also, it was like the wall was saying, "You served your purpose, now go away." He remained with Gaspode and Gula and was afraid to admit that he couldn't get any closer to the wall. Only Octavia and Virga found it welcoming. She climbed over the wall and stood inside the ring of stone pointing out things she could see far away. "There's the tower of Art in Ankh-Morpork, There's Überwald Keep, and way over there are the ruins of the great pyramids of Djelibeybi..."

"Honey, can we go?" Nick was getting worried, the longer they stayed here, the higher it seemed that they were. Actually, the higher that Octavia was, as he watched, the very apex of Bald Mountain, the top ring of the granite wedding cake was rising taking Octavia higher and higher.

"I can see our house from here!" called Octavia as she leaned way out and looked down toward the base of the mountain. Then she realized that Nick and Gaspode were further down the mountain than she had left them. "Wait for me!" she scrambled down the rocks to rejoin them and asked, "Why did you start down without me?"

"We didn't," said Nick, "We didn't move, you were going up," and they looked up to see the peak of the mountain settle back to where it was when they first arrived like a sailor pushing the eyepiece of his telescope back in.

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On the other side of Lancre Queen Magrat and Nanny Ogg were having their every other week cuppa with Granny Weatherwax in her cottage. "I'm proud a' you Esme! We've been 'ere an entire ten minutes and you 'aven't said a disparaging word about our newest witch."

"I can't" groused Granny, "He's royalty now," she added with a sidelong glance to Queen Magrat whom she hasn't said a disparaging word about in decades since she married King Verance and became queen. "I hear that he's consorting with fairies," she growled.

"Fairies make beautiful garden lights," said Nanny who has been known to decorate her window boxes with a fairies on summer evenings. It was true that Nick and Octavia now had fairies fluttering around their cottage, they had put a feeder out for hummingbirds not knowing that it attracted fairies also. At first there were squabbles between the fairies and the hummingbirds but Octavia put out several more feeders and there was enough sugar water to go around.

"Well, I think he's becoming a great witch and at the same time a great duke," said Magrat. "The way he got those dwarves to sign a contract that most dwarves would have walked away from shows true royal acuity."

"There's something under that mountain that the dwarves want," groused Granny, "and he's letting them dig it out!"

"And what is the problem with that?" asked Queen Magrat. "As long as their digging is environmentally..."

Suddenly all three witches stopped, they all felt it, the Disc called out to them. Wordlessly they rose and stepped outside Granny's door and looked hubward. They didn't see it at first but eventually they noticed it, far off in the distance Bear Mountain, the stone sentinel that they all grew up looking toward was different. "It's taller," gasped Magrat.

"Cor..." gasped Nanny Ogg.

As they watched, the mountain slowly returned to its normal height. "She was there," growled Granny.

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A barge full of dwarves bearing picks and axes drifted up the Gjorgiev River, a water course that wandered through the Ramtop mountains, oozing down gentle mountain valleys. It is the only well behaved river in the Ramtop Mountains making it highly suspicious to most of the locals so they avoided it. The barge was pulled up the slate bottom stream by a mule on the shore assisted by dwarves on the barge poling it along the lazy stream. It would have been a beautiful, relaxing ride if the dwarves enjoyed sunlight. Unfortunately, these dwarves hated sunlight, they found they had to take breaks below deck in the gloom of the windowless cargo hold to regain their dwarven sensibilities because these were deep rock miners, most have never been above ground before.

The barge grounded ashore on the hubward side of the mountain near where the promised cabin was located and two former highway men were there to meet them. "Oi! Are you from Peregrine and Aegir Mining?"

"'Ooo wants to know?" growled a dwarf that was holding an axe.

"Th' Duke of Wægn," grinned Alfie. "We're what you call his overseers. If we don't like what we see, it's over for you."

"What's with the paint?" snarled the dwarf. Alfie and Carl were covered with splatters of red and green paint.

"We marked the trees you can cut for your road to the base of the mountain," said Carl.

"If we see you cut one tree that's not marked and it's a one hundred dollar fine," grinned Alfie.

"A hundred dollars? For a tree?" shouted a dwarf, "that's crazy!"

Suddenly the *thwack!* of a crossbow could be heard and Alfie noticed several of the dwarves who stepped ashore were looking up. "Got 'im!" said a dwarf that was holding a crossbow. Alfie and Carl looked up and saw what looked like an eagle spiraling helplessly out of the sky.

"Aww, ye shouldn't a done that," said Carl as the bird disappeared behind the trees.

"My friend here is right, th' duke likes his eagles. You are so ..." Just then Nick stepped out of the woods and strode right up to the dwarf that fired the crossbow bolt. Nick grabbed the dwarf by the tunic and lifted him off of his feet.

"Name," demanded Nick in a tone of voice that left no doubt in that dwarf's mind that if he gets this demand wrong, it will be the last thing he ever gets wrong.

"G-G-Groin, son of Gloin."

"Groin Gloinson? I am Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein, the Duke of Wægn," and Nick threw the dwarf halfway across the river {which honestly wasn't very far}. "LET IT BE KNOWN THAT ALL LIVING BEINGS IN MY DUCHY ARE UNDER MY PROTECTION," Nick roared at the top of his lungs. "YOU ON THE OTHERHAND ARE GUESTS." He bent over getting right in the largest dwarf's face and said, "You are quickly wearing out your welcome."

Rifty Peregrine worked his way to the front of the group and started, "Your Grace, I'm sorry..."

"Yes you are," Nick said with a snarl. "I hold you responsible for enforcement of the laws of the Duchy of Wægn and one of your group shoots down the fair symbol of this kingdom the moment you step off the boat." He stood and looked around at the angry mob of dwarves and he fought the urge to turn into a dragon and end this entire charade. He pointed toward the dwarf splashing in the river and said, "Thanks to that one bolt fired by Groin, son of Gloin, all hunting on, around, and under Bear Mountain is forbidden. And for you this now includes hunting of any sort in all of Lancre."

"No hunting?" Rifty sputtered then fumed, "How are we supposed to feed these dwarves?"

"You should have thought of that before allowing that idiot to shoot down a Lancre Black Eagle."

"A what?" asked a dwarf next to Rifty. Nick guessed it was an emancipated female dwarf that asked the question, she was wearing eye makeup.

"The king's favorite bird and the symbol of the country," groaned Rifty. He briefed the Dwarves on that bird several times as they traveled through the high country. Do NOT shoot any eagle, especially a black eagle with a black beak and black talons.

"You're lucky the court wizard was in the area, she will be able to heal the eagle," Nick produced a black feather and considered it. "Anyone found hunting from this work party will cause termination of the contract and expulsion."

"How do you expect me to feed these dwarves?" squawked Rifty.

"I don't care," said Nick. "I stuck my neck out for you dwarves and you do this to me, and you haven't even started to dig. Now I have to report this to the king and plead for that idiots life. I have bigger things to worry about because I may have to come back and execute him. Maybe I can convince a farmer to sell you a few cows but to be honest, I'm really regretting letting this happen." He waved his hand toward the barge that was tied up to shore and walked off. A moment later a wave came down river and lifted the barge snapping the few lines that was holding it in place and washed the barge down river along with Groin, son of Gloin.

Chaos ensued and the collected dwarves raced after their runaway barge which still had several dwarves on board. Rifty Peregrine threw up his hands and shrugged and turned back to Nick, but he had disappeared into the woods.

It was a long hike back to the cottage but Gaspode led the wounded deer and Gula provided a rear guard "falling" from tree to tree. Being a magical gargoyle, she could fall like any other gargoyle with the added magical ability to fall in any direction including straight up. It was good for Nick that she was there, the site manager, Rifty Peregrine, sent a small squad of dwarfs to stop Nick from reporting the shoot-down to the king. Gula would hang from a tree branch waiting for the squad and she would fall and take the rear dwarf out one by one, then she would fall back up to a perch and wait for the diminished squad. Even though they didn't realize that they weren't chasing a man the dwarves continued to give chase. Four became three, then two, then one, then pursuit was over, but the long hike was far from over.

Finally, long after sunset a bedraggled, bloody Nick staggered up to the cottage and collapsed in a rocking chair on the porch. His left side was covered in blood, his left arm held up by a sling fashioned from vines. "Get momma," he gasped and with a yelp of fear Gaspode dashed into the cottage and came back with Octavia.

"Oh no! What happened?" she cried as he handed her a bolt from a cross bow.

"I met the new neighbors," groaned Nick as he peeled off his blood soaked shirt and Octavia took off the bloody bandage that he had fashioned after crashing to earth. "I was watching from above getting ready to welcome them to Lancre and someone decided to take a shot at a Lancre black eagle. It went downhill from there."

"Oh my gods, how did you survive the fall?"

"I aimed for a bend in the river and splashed down there. Luckily eagles don't weigh a lot so I didn't hit the river bottom."

Octavia used a spell to enhance healing as she stitched his wound closed, "There's going to be no flying for you for a while," she said as she wrapped a bandage around his arm to protect the stitches. "You know, I'm getting quite adept at sewing you back together."

"Are you saying that you are becoming an Igor?"

"That's exactly what I'm saying," she laughed as she sat down on his lap.

"Luckily there's only 2 babies waiting for me, and they're not due until late autumn," said nick with a sigh. He held up two fingers and smiled. When he started as the witch in the local area he did nothing but deliver babies. Delivering babies is probably the most demanding task that the healer of the area has to perform because it is the most visible, and back in the mountain woods, pre-natal care is nearly unheard of.

"I think your count is off," said Octavia.

"No, there's Sheila and Lars Johengen, and Heather and Liam Breen." but Octavia took Nick's hand and straightened out his fingers and placed his hand on her tummy.

"There's Octavia and Nick Worblehat-Stein," she said with a gentle smile. She could tell that Nick felt the little spark of life growing in her womb by the look of amazement in his eyes. "If it's a boy I would like to name him Marlon, in Quirm it means "Young Eagle."

How did I miss that? Nick asked himself, but he knew the answer. After Death took their first just weeks after she became noticeable in her mother's womb, he stopped looking. And now here it is! A child growing in her womb, a child to love and raise and teach and... and... Nick gave his lover a deep, joyful kiss then said what was foremost in his heart, "I have no idea how to raise a child."

"Then we have some research to do," said Octavia, "because I was hoping you knew."

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Olaf Peregrine looked over the dispatches from Lancre again, this was getting out of hand, nearly fifteen thousand dollars in fines and fees and they're barely a quarter mile into the bedrock. Most of the fines were from cutting trees! He slammed the dispatches down on the desk and groaned. That's on top of what they're spending on food. The local farmers are driving up prices and hunting fines are making it an expensive proposition to feed a group of dwarves that were budgeted to live off the land. "We are never going to recoup the cost of this project!" complained Olaf.

"Don't complain to me," his business partner of over sixty years, Ringgold Aegir, snapped. "We decided that this was worth it regardless of the cost and now we're starting to see what the cost is." Ringgold saw the value of their final goal but was always leery of the costs entailed, but the chance to usurp Blodwen Rhysdottir and put an actual Low King on the Low Throne is priceless.

"I have half of our crew dividing up mine tailings and carrying trash across the river where it can be burned without the duke getting irate."

"Let one grass fire get out of hand and you never hear the end of it," grumbled Ringgold.

"There's no gold, no iron, not even any tin under this mountain, we are going to be bankrupt long before we reach it."

"Are you having doubts, because I have an idea that will cut costs and erase out liabilities," grinned Ringgold.

Olaf recognized that grin, most often that grin meant some underhanded deed that would profit Peregrine and Aegir Mining, but now Olaf doesn't see any profit in it. He knows what Ringgold is thinking and this may cost more than they expected...

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It was late but that is meaningless in Ankh-Morpork, in fact more money changes hands after sunset in Ankh-Morpork than during legitimate business hours, and some of that money has been rumored to change hands voluntarily. In the offices of the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork a dwarf waited nervously outside the office of Havelock Vetinari. He had gone to the offices of the Assassin's Guild but when they saw his request, he was sent to the Patrician's office due to the nature of his request.

The dwarf named Axemir Stronginthehead sat waiting for a nine o'clock appointment with the patrician, and even though the turmoil of the office was quite robust it failed to entertain Axemir. He was the newly promoted Executive Vice President for Project Advancement of Peregrine and Aegir Mining, and Axemir was used to office turmoil, but he missed the sound of pickaxe striking rock. Nine o'clock came and went and still he wasn't called into the office, but Stuart la Fountaine, Patrician Vetinari's secretary came up to Axemir and informed him that the appointment had been moved to 10:00.

Again, the appointment time came and went so Axemir went to Mr. la Fountaine and asked about his appointment and Stuart replied, "Did I fail to mention it was scheduled for ten PM? That's in eleven and a half hours. Please stay nearby if there's an opening we will call you." Disappointed Axemir went back to his seat and the only time he got up was to use the midden, and sure enough, while using the facilities he heard the distant call, "Mister Stronginthehead? Mister Stronginthehead?" {In any queue situation it never fails}

Finally, at 10:35 PM Axemir Stronginthehead was escorted into the Patricians' huge office where he stood at the desk of the most powerful politician on the Disc "If it pleases you, yer honor, the assassins guild sent me here, they claim that my request must be approved by you."

"Does it now... let's review your application, shall we? Hmmm Magic User? That is incorrect, you marked No, but the answer is certainly Yes..."

"I apologize yer holiness; I was not advised..."

"And here where it asks if he has any pets... he most certainly does..."

"Forgive me yer magnificence..."

"And here where you listed his occupation as a book seller... tsk tsk tsk"

"But yer formidable-ness, I didn't see where any of this..."

"A common tragedy..." The way the patrician dragged out the word "tragedy" gave Axemir Stronginthehead the feeling that he was going to appear in a tragedy himself. {He was, of course, correct}

Havelock wrote for a long time on a separate piece of parchment then folded up the original inhumation request {to exhume someone is to take them out of a grave, to inhume is to put someone in a grave. The Assassins' Guild never says kill or murder, they say inhume} and sealed it with wax and his signet ring and handed it to Axemir Stronginthehead. "It is now all in order, please take it to the Assassins' Guild."

"Thank you sir, are they open?"

"They never close," said the Patrician as he went back to reviewing a document. After a pause the Patrician noticed that Axemir was still there. "Do not let me detain you." That statement was a lot less pleasantry and a lot more threat.

A few moments later Stuart La Fountaine stepped into the office and without looking up from his document Havelock signaled for him to close the door. "I have several messages that need to go out on the clacks. Urgently." And he handed his notes to his secretary.

la Fountaine glanced at the notes and said, "you're conferring with concerned parties about an inhumation contract? The Assassin's Guild guarantees one hundred percent confidentiality."

"WE are not the Assassin's Guild," said Havelock Vetinari. "Sometimes the completion of a contract would cause more issues than it resolves, so Lord Downey and I both review the more complex contracts before they are accepted to see if action needs to be taken before said acceptance. We often give the customer a chance to reconsider their plans."

"So, we're the good guys? Bad guys? I don't understand."

Vetinari sighed, every time he gets a new secretary he has to retrain him. "I believe you find that life can be complicated, and that is because you think that there are good people and there are bad people. You are wrong, of course. There are, always and only bad people, some of them are on opposite sides."

At the Assassins' Guild Axemir Stronginthehead handed the papers given to him by the Patrician over to Lord Downey, the master of the Assassins' Guild. "Ah, Mister Stronginthehead, are you sure that you wish to have this contract acted upon?"

"Yes, as soon as possible," said Axemir.

Lord Downey scribbled on a sheet of paper and finally said, "That will be three hundred seventy four thousand nine hundred fifty Ankh-Morpork dollars per target. You said you wanted them both inhumed, since they are both royalty and both magic users... Seven hundred forty nine thousand, nine hundred dollars."

"Seven hundred ---- Three hundred---- I was told five hundred each would cover it!"

"Oh, for the average person here in Ankh-Morpork, yes five hundred per target would be the going rate..." Lord Downy looked at the collected data and continued, "it says here that your male target started in the gutter. Now if he had remained the gutter we could have completed this for you for two hundred dollars." Lord Downey showed Axemir a chart with a series of numbers and social positions. "As you can see as he advanced in stature, became a magic user, then he married a magic user our costs escalate, plus they are in a different country, so mileage is included, foreign exchange, lodging for the contract holder... but here is the big expense, your targets are now members of the court of an allied nation, that's regicide, and that costs extra... a lot extra."

"No, forget it, we can't afford that..."

"Look, you got a fifty dollar discount on each because they're from Ankh-Morpork, that's our Home-Town Home-Boy discount..."

"No, forget the whole idea, we'll deal with it ourselves."

"If you insist, but we are professionals... satisfaction guaranteed, always discreet."

"No, forget it."

"The customer is always right," said Lord Downey, "sign here to acknowledge that you refuse the contract, but I have to let you know that I cannot cancel this other contract."

"What other contract?" demanded the dwarf as he scribbled his signature.

"This is a conditional contract that provides cover for the Assassins' Guild especially in these regicide cases, they can get so messy... if the target of the primary contract becomes inhumed for any reason at all then this second contract mandates that the contractor, which is you, is inhumed immediately after the inhumation of the target, that way the "wet work" as we call it can't be traced back to us."

"I cancelled the other contract! I didn't pay the money!" sputtered the terrified dwarf.

"There's no extra charge. Don't let me detain you Mister Stronginthehead," and Lord Downey snapped his fingers. Four men in black surrounded Axemir and "escorted" him {In some universes being carried via an "atomic wedgie" {by the underwear waistband} is considered being escorted} out of the building.

It was raining when Axemir was dumped on the sidewalk, which is another thing that Dwarves hate about being above ground {it rarely rains in a mine two miles under the surface of the disc, and if it does you're in Big Trouble} but he struggled to his feet and ran through town as fast as he could go until he reached the nearest Clacks office. "I need to send a message fast."

"That's how we do things here sir! Lightning fast!" said the overeager teenage clerk working the third shift at the Clacks office.

Axemir scribbled out the address to the mining camp then wrote out the note:

PROFESSIONAL HELP UNAVAILABLE

EAGLE DROP IS NOGO

AXEMIR

"That's going to take twelve hours at the fastest," said the smiling pimple face teen. "It will be there in Lancre in a few minutes but then it will have to go overland..."

"Yes, I understand. Just as long as it gets there." Axemir threw far too much money on the counter and disappeared into the night. He would next be seen in Schmaltzberg, home of the largest dwarven community on the disk and he was seen heading into the Glory Pit, deepest mine in all of dwarvendom.

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Nick and Octavia walked through the village of Creel Springs arm in arm chatting with the village folk as they took a break from their daily routine at the bookstore. Leaving Gaspode and Gula, the Duke's Guard, to watch the shop, the young couple wandered up and down Main Street, a routine that a wizard in Octavia's condition needs to maintain. Nick was trying to confirm a rumor he had heard that the Lancre Army would occasionally rape the women of Lancre as they went out on maneuvers.

As they walked along Side Street, a street that parallels the stream that flows out of the mill pond, they ran into Homlette and Ophilia d'Marhk, the first residents of Creel Springs that they met. While Octavia took Ophilia off to talk about canning vegetables for the winter, Nick spoke to Homlette about his time in the army.

"Mister d'Marhk," started Nick nervously, "I've heard some rumors about the Lancre Army having their way with women here in Tallywiffle County. I know it's hard to believe but..."

"You best believe it," said Homlette. "I was a leftenant when King Borachio III brought in a young colonel Carnarvon from Borogravia, he was serving in the Muntab region and the way you showed your people your strength was by assaulting their women." Poor old Homlette looked nauseated over the memories that Nick had stirred up.

"Sir, I'm sorry I brought up these memories, I apologize," sputtered.

"I resigned right after that, Carnarvon said that's how you separate the men from the boys."

"Did you...? I'm sorry, I shouldn't pry," said Nick.

"Yes I did," said Homlette staring into the stream.

"What happened to the girl?"

Homlette gave Nick a strange look and said, "Well I married her! Wouldn't be right riding into town and rapin' the women and wandering off now would it?"

Nick threw his arm over Homlette's shoulders and said, "You're a good man Mr. d'Marhk, I'm proud to be here with you."

When Nick caught up with Octavia he found that Ophilia had the same story as Homlette, and he vowed to continue to ask as he met folks.

It seemed to be a busy day in Creel Springs, the watermill was churning, the cobbler had all of his doors and windows open and he was working on a new horse collar for a local farmer. The cobbler, Harry Newman, was better called a leather smith. He could craft anything given the proper piece of cowhide, from lederhosen to footwear, from horse saddle to horse bridal, he could make it all. He was also a fair hand as a cooper and when jobs in leather was slow he'd throw together a few barrels. There's always someone looking for a new barrel.

Next to Harry's Cobbler Shopee was the Creel Springs Emporium, a tiny but crucial little general store where the necessities of life could be found for the people of Creel Springs and the farmers around the area. So far all Octavia needed to buy was sugar, flour, salt, mason jars, and sealing rings for the jars but Nick needed to get some penny candy for the children that were brought to him.

And of course, Nick and Octavia's Book Store & Lending Library. So far they've sold four books, but Nick sees more in the future, they are holding classes every day for any child that shows up teaching them reading and writing hopefully increasing the literacy rate in the area. They even have a stack of slates and primers for their students "donated" by the Brazeneck College of Wizardry in Pseudopolis.

The one thing that their bookstore was known for was that they do give away a lot of water. There was a natural spring behind the bookstore, and Nick found some pipe and ran a line to the front of the store with a spigot and a sign that read "FREE SPRING WATER." Soon Trei would come and sample the water using the tin cup hanging from a chain, then he would fill up a canning jar to have water to sip as he worked. Soon his audience, The Boys, would be seen sampling the water and eventually everyone in town stopped by to drink the water at least once a day and maybe take a look at the library.

Twice every day the stage between the railhead at Hot Dang and Lancre Town passed through Creel Springs and one day a thirsty traveler saw the sign and asked the coach driver to stop so he could get a drink. Being the halfway point of the ride, it was a good time to get out and stretch their legs and very soon it became tradition for the coach to stop for water. For folks from large cities like Pseudopolis or Ankh-Morpork it was their first taste of clean water and the riders would roll their eyes in delight at water that actually tasted good. Many would return to their seats with a bag of homemade penny candies from the Creel Springs Emporium and a large jar to take some water with on their trip.

"We're becoming a tourist destination thanks to that sign of yours, yer grace," said Merle Rorie a local farmer and longtime member of "The Boys," the gang of local characters that gather daily to watch blacksmith Trei Metsker ply his trade. While the boys chuckled at Nick's expense, Octavia was pointing to herself and mouthing the words "My Sign" claiming credit for the burgeoning Creel Springs free water industry.

Nick by far is the youngest being a third of the age of the men around him, today he stood with arm around Octavia watching Trei make some spanner wrenches using nothing but hammer, tongs, and forty years of experience and the conversation was of nothing of consequence but gave Nick and Octavia more of an insight to their neighbors and life in the beautiful mountain kingdom of Lancre.

Just then the clip-clop of horses could be heard and far up Main Street could be seen the daily coach from the railhead but leading the coach was the Lancre Town Farmers Union Supply Company wagon with the royal couple in the supply wagon that was being escorted by Sean Ogg, Nanny Ogg's youngest son, and Hugh Ogg, Nanny Ogg's oldest grandson. Both Ogg men were wearing palace guard armor and carrying lances as they rode.

"Looks like your boss is here, yer grace," said Sieffre Merrick, probably the eldest statesmen of The Boys.

"Better dust off them boots and run a comb through that hair," said Kevyn Haven the miller who came over to see what the excitement was about. His remark caused The Boys to start laughing. Octavia turned in Nick's arms and started straightening his hair by running her fingers through it, causing him to start kissing and gently tickling her.

Meanwhile, one of Harry Neumann's sons was running door to door yelling "The king is coming!" and people eagerly lined the streets to wave to the king as he passed by, because the king riding through town doesn't happen very often.

Nick and Octavia remained with The Boys at Trei's anvil and as the king's "carriage" pulled up Nick bowed and Octavia curtsied but the carriage didn't continue, it stopped. "Your Grace, Sir Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein, please... enough, please rise."

Octavia loved the shocked look on Nick's face when he rose and found the King and Queen of Lancre standing before him. "Uh... um... welcome to the Duchy of Wægn yer highness."

"Marvelous! I've always wanted to stop in Creel Springs, Magrat has told me of her adventure at Wægn Manor." As he spoke the King gestured to the coach behind him and the coachman hopped down and opened the doors to let his passengers out.

"Well, we just call it what the folks here in Creel Springs call our home, Nana Partridge's Cottage, I don't think they'll take to Wægn Manor." {Nick was completely unaware of the fact that if the King named something, that was its name as far as anyone who heard him was concerned}

"The reason we are here is to introduce you to Sir Samuel Vimes and Lady Sybil Vimes the Duke and Duchess of Ankh."

Nick turned and saw a couple approaching the coach. He's never met anyone who projected an aura of knowing exactly who they were like these two. Sam Vimes was skinny and short, about Nick's height and carried a "don't fuck with me" persona that radiated his dedication to law and order. Lady Sybil was almost twice his size and moved through Creel Springs with the personage of a delightful, friendly, well-disciplined hurricane. Her tiny eyes locked on to Octavia with a sudden, genuine delight.

"Octavia! I've heard so much! And..." She smothered Octavia in a sudden, bone jarring, hug that went on long past the time that Octavia's breath held out. She held Octavia at arm's length and said, "I know that smile! Is it your first? When is it due?"

Octavia was shocked, they hadn't told anybody that she was expecting, the shock of losing their first was still too great. Most other couples in their places may not have known they were expecting until she lost it, but Nick and Octavia can tell, it's a witch thing. Maybe Sybil is a witch too... "Are you a witch?" Octavia asked.

"Perchance!" said Sybil with a laugh that echoed off the buildings, she was aware that in the mountain communities a witch was an honorable profession, not so much in Ankh-Morpork. "I've been called much worse." Sybil has always had a healing touch with her swamp dragons at the Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons, but she never considered herself a witch.

"Not while I was around," said Sam around a cigar butt clenched in his teeth.

"No, not a witch, but I could see the joy in your face!" said Sybil as she swept Octavia away.

"Walk with me Pommeraie de la Montesquieu," said Sam, "that sounds like a Quirmish cheese, can I call you Pommie?" Sam's grin showed the young duke that he was teasing Nick.

{Sam was right, Nick was named after a long forgotten brand of cheese from Quirm. His mother was sweet but uneducated and she wanted her son to have a name he could be proud of... and his father liked the cheese until his wife left him}

"I would rather you didn't, Nick will do."

"Nick, I like that," said Sam around his cigar. "Good name for a cop, crappy name for a Duke, however. Ok Nick, show me that bookstore I heard so much about..." and they followed Sybil and Octavia leaving the King and Queen of Lancre all alone with The Boys.

"Well, what are we about to today?" asked King Verance to the stunned Boys.

"I was going to show the boys how to make a horseshoe," said Trei without a hint of fear or awe in his voice.

"That sounds fascinating," said the King who had never seen such a thing before.

"Would you like to swing a hammer your majesty?" asked Trei.

Inside the bookstore Nick began showing Sam the classroom set up around the pot belly stove which Nick was sure would be the centerpiece of the store come winter. Nick and Octavia have never spent a winter in the mountains but it would be coming in a few months. "And this?" asked Sam pointing out a small corner with what appeared to be drawing boards.

"That's my scriptoria where I do calligraphy and illuminate manuscripts, it's also my book rescue corner," and he showed Sam his binders tools and only stopped when Octavia led Sybil into the bookstore. Luckily the books of magic were drowsy this warm afternoon and only fluttered a little when Sam and Sybil were nearby.

"Now that we have the two of you alone, we need to speak of something you do not want to hear." Sam took a deep pained breath and said, "Stay away from the dwarves, they mean you harm."

"I know they're not happy with me..." started Nick.

"You're right, but you don't realize how unhappy they are. You did the right thing by putting a lot of restrictions on them, you made them show you how much they want to dig and you showed them how you intend to keep them in line. But they hate it, they hate you, and the minute you're gone they're going to strip this county bare of wood and food. Most dwarves are good, honest, hardworking folks, I like 'em better than people. But these dwarves are locusts."

"That's ok, I'm not going anywhere," started Nick but Sam interrupted him.

"You should be going somewhere... look... these little bastards tried to put a contract out on you with the Assassin's guild. You're only above ground because Patrician Vetinari was able to drive the price of the contract up so high that they couldn't afford the contract, but that doesn't mean they won't try something else."

"Kill? Us?" Octavia's eyes shot out wide open, instinctively she put her hands on her stomach. "Why would they do that?"

"There's something in the mountain that is worth a lot to them. You are the Duke and Duchess of Wægn, that mountain is yours, and there's something in there that they would kill for."

Nick was shocked that someone would kill to be able to dig a hole. "I'm sorry but I grew up in the streets of Ankh-Morpork, I wasn't raised a rich protégé, my mother left us when I was four, I guess she got tired of living on Tannery St. My da, he spent a year drunk then threw me out so I lived in a collapsed shed on Barrel Street next to the Unseen University just me and Gaspode, he was a pup then. We lived there because the big ones that wanted us little ones wouldn't go near us there..." He paused when he heard a gasp from Octavia. She knew his history but only from listening to him talking in his nightmares at night, this is the most he's ever said out loud, but he continued; "this library, that farm was presented to me for ... doing something." He still couldn't say saving the world, it sounded arrogant even though it was true. And the nightmares of swimming back to the disk, his alien respiratory system clogged with the fine dust of a nebula... exhausted... out of breath... he continued slowly. "I can't picture killing someone for what - a rock?"

"I come up the hard way, same as you kid," growled Sam. "Stop a war, save thousands of lives, suddenly I'm a duke. You save the world, save millions of lives, suddenly you're a duke. However, when you clawed your way out of the gutter you weren't dealing with criminals, I was. You know they'll kill each other for a scrap of bread, I see 'em kill each other for a scrap of metal every day," and he held up and Ankh-Morpork five dollar coin. "In the Shades someone will kill you for this."

"Sir Samuel, you know what the dwarves want," said Octavia, her eyes narrowed. She wasn't asking, she knew that Sam knew and she was very curious. "What is it?"

Sam sighed; he knew he shouldn't tell them but they have a legitimate need to know. "The Eye of Knute."

"Eye of newt?" laughed Nick. "That's mustard seed! Every witch wannabe is copying Mac Beth and making their home brew potions out of eye of newt, tongue of hound, and other weeds.

{Mac Beth is a musical comedy on Discworld about a prince in Quirm who accidentally marries his mother and she persuades him to kill someone which turns out to be his father, he ends up talking to skulls while witches make a love potion out of Eye of Newt (mustard seed) Toe of Frog (buttercup) and Wool of Bat (Holly Leaves) Their song is famous! "Bubble, Bubble, the Girl is Trouble" meanwhile fairies find Mac a girlfriend named Beth and eventually they kill themselves. In the end it's revealed that it's much ado about nothing}

"No," said Octavia, "he said The Eye of Knute... let me look it up." She remembered hearing about it a long time ago in the library of the Unseen University, back when she was a kid. She disappeared into the stacks and turned to the right then sprinted holding her stomach chanting to the baby, "It'll be all right, we'll be ok..." and not believing a word. She power-slid to a stop in front of a large desk. "Daddy?" she whispered desperately, "Daddy? Ook?"

"Ook!" came the hushed response from far above.

"Sorry," she whispered then started climbing the bookshelf ringed with potted plants at the top. When she got up to the top she saw the huge red orangutan that is her foster father keeping his watchful eyes on an eight year old girl who was sleeping using several favorite books as a pillow. "I need what you have on The Eye of Knute."

"Ook?"

"The dwarves are trying to dig it up," she whispered harshly. That's when Octavia noticed that the eight-year-old girl was waking up.

"Hey," said the girl.

"Go back to sleep," whispered Octavia to the eight-year-old Octavia.

"Did you find our handsome prince?"

"Oh yeah, he's awesome, you are going to love him. Now go back to sleep." Octavia gave the eight-year-old Octavia a playful pat on the rump and climbed down the bookshelf to follow her dad.

{It is often thought that time travelers should avoid meeting their younger selves, that it would cause terrific time paradoxes, but it does nothing of the sort, in fact sage information and investment advice is often passed to younger selves quite often by time travelers. How else would you explain Bill Gates?}

The librarian led her to a dangerous book held by locks and chains. The librarian unlocked the book that contained the information on the Eye of Knute and she flipped quickly to a description of the item. "Power," she scoffed. "They want power. Wouldn't you know... Daddy, can I sign this out?"

Not long later the brunet wizard appeared in the bookstore. "Where did you go?" asked Sybil. "I looked but I didn't find you."

"She's a wizard," said Sam, "they have their own ways around a library."

Octavia put the Codex of Rkund in Nick's hands open to the page of The Eye of Knute. "This is a list of everything that was left behind in the Rkund Hold. The Rkund Keep was a small military observation post built during the wars of the third epoch. Beneath the Keep was the Rkund Hold. After the wars ended it was used for storage of captured loot until an earthquake sealed the shaft closed. The location has been lost to dwarves and men ever since."

Nick nodded, the third epoch was a slaughterhouse where races that once cooperated turned on each other and many were wiped out. Only men were able to harness the magic of the discworld and survive intact while races like dwarves and trolls drew back into hidden enclaves only to reemerge in the current era.

The Eye of Knute was a powerful magic device created by the only known dwarven sourcerer, Knute Bomburson, son of the storied explorer and dragon slayer Bombur the Rotund. It's magical properties are completely unknown other than if used properly it can bestow magic on any user including the decidedly unmagical race of dwarves. It was forgotten an eon later when the Sourcerer Wars nearly vaporized the disk and the landscape of the disk was changed forever.

"Should we stop them? I'm sorry for letting them..." Nick suddenly felt horrible, he allowed the power hungry dwarves into this unsullied corner of the Disc.

"Don't worry about it," said Sam. "If you had said no when they first asked, you'd be dead now. But you have attracted attention from around the disc. Believe me when I say you're not alone just continue to be the Duke, run your bookstore, and be the witch for your subjects. Besides, you have something worse than power hungry dwarves to worry about coming up,

"The baby," sighed Nick happily.

"I was thinking tax season."

"Oh joy." Nick forgot that as Duke, he was the Duchy tax collector.

Octavia continued looking through the Codex then smiled, "If it's under Bear Mountain, they're digging in the wrong place! See here?" she said pointing to a notation in the book, "the shaft is on the turnwise side of the mountain, but they are digging in the wrong place, they're on the widdershins side of the mountain!"

{Directions on the Disc are distinctly different than those on roundworlds. On the Disc what is north to the roundworlder is hubwards on the Disc. Cori Celesti, the 10 mile high peak is the central hub of the Disc making rimward, the entire edge of the Disc the south. Turnwise is clockwise or west, and widdershins is counterclockwise, or anti-clockwise {or as some roundworlders say, NASCAR} which is east.}

"That is what the wizards have said," said Sam as he tried to peek over their shoulders and look at the Codex but it was written in ancient Latatian, a language so obscure only wizards, witches, and his wife Sybil, would understand it. "The Predilection College of Prediction at the University puts their chances of finding the Eye of Knute at a million to one."

"Ook," said the Librarian as he appeared unannounced.

"Exactly," sighed Octavia as she snapped the codex closed and handed it to her dad. "A million to one shot pays off nine times out of ten. Thank you daddy."

The Librarian gave his daughter a kiss on the cheek, patted Nick on the shoulder, then snapped Vimes a sharp salute. "Thank you Leftenant," said Vimes as he returned the salute. The Librarian is a reservist in the city watch and has worked on a few assignments for Sam.

"Doctor Worblehat, how delightful seeing you here!" gushed Sybil. "Tea and bah-nah-nahs Saturday after next?"

"Ook," said the Librarian as he turned to return the Codex of Rkund to the Dangerous Books section.

"Brilliant! See you then!" called Sybil. "Delightful ape that Horace."

"He's our dad," said Nick.

Seeing the looks they were getting from Sam and Sybil, Octavia became flustered. "It's not like that, we're... I'm... foster... we..."

"Don't worry dear," gushed Sybil, "Leftenant Worblehat tells us all about his time traveling daughter and her hero husband. Samuel darling, we must go rescue Verance."

"Ok," said Sam in his "to sum up" tone of voice, "you two kids stay on your side of the mountain, do your everyday things, be the friendly neighborhood duke and duchess, enjoy your baby, and don't worry. I have a couple of specialists coming to insure they keep digging where they're digging and they will insure that your requirements are met and fines are paid. Believe me, you have friends that you're not aware of who are working day and night to insure that Peregrine and Aegir Mining go broke and go home. One of them is waiting for us now."

Back at the blacksmith shop they found King Verance with tong and hammer beating his very first horseshoe into shape. His tunic was off, his sleeves rolled up, and sweat was pouring off his royal brow. He no longer needed prodding from Trei and when he saw the cherry red glow diminish he returned the shoe to the forge which was glowing and crackling, sparks flying as Queen Magrat manned the bellows. Reheated, he returned the shoe to the anvil and began to "clean up" earlier errors.

The Boys stood in shock as they watched their sovereign lord fashion a fairly recognizable horseshoe.

"I think we're done yer highness," said Trei, "quench your work and yourself before you drop." King Verance II grinned and panted weakly to the applause of The Boys who have seen hundreds of horseshoes fashioned while watching Trei, but never had a first timer gotten that close to creating a horseshoe from a piece of iron. While the king quenched his royal thirst, Trei inspected the kings work. "Yer highness, if I were to take on an apprentice you'd be my first choice." Trei doesn't hand out compliments like that very often and The Boys were impressed.

Between ladles of water from a bucket recently drawn from the spring the King said, "If I didn't already have a job I would accept." He saw Sam and Nick approaching as they discussed the new arrangements that Sam had mentioned. "Ah Sir Samuel and Sir Pommeraie de la Montesquieu, you missed my lesson as a blacksmith. Mister Metzger was kind enough to allow me to fashion a horseshoe... or at least make an attempt."

"You got the shape right, yer majesty, it's much closer than most apprentices on first try." He gave the shoe a few educated taps from his hammer to straighten it flat then handed the finished project to Queen Magrat who was as excited as a mother receiving a drawing from their child. "I'm going to hang this over the main door at the palace!"

As King Verance mounted his carriage he called to Octavia, "We will be having a meeting of my court tomorrow PM Lady Wizard, your presence is required, as is yours your grace," he added with a nod toward Nick.

"Your highness, here is the fines I've collected from Peregrine and Aegir Mining," said Nick as he offered the King a large sack of coins that he had stored in the bookstore.

"My dear duke," laughed the king, "you are the duke, that money is yours."

Nick looked at Octavia in shock, this was an incredible sum of money. He looked at Octavia and they came to an unspoken agreement, he held the bag open and after doing some subtraction Octavia grabbed a large handful of coins out of the bag and counted the value, then grabbed a few more and nodded to Nick. "Here you are your majesty, the taxes for the Duchy of Wægn for the next year."

"My goodness, I did choose wisely!" chuckled the King. "Oh, and by the way, you can add "By Royal Appointment" to your free water sign. See you tomorrow Lady Octavia!" and with that the king and queen left followed by the coach carrying Sybil and Sam Vimes.

They left Nick and Octavia staring at a huge handful of coins, more money than either one had ever seen... had ever dreamed about. "What are we going to do with this money?"

Octavia smiled and called out, "Mister Metzgar, is that horse cart behind your barn still for sale?"

<><><><><>

The next morning, Octavia led her Ramtop Mountain pony to Metzgar's Blacksmith Shopee & Forge and Trei showed her how to ease the pony between the traces and set the different straps and buckles required to connect her little horse to the Ralli Cart a small two wheel cart which looks like a box on a pair of wheels but it's capable of carrying four passengers on top of the box with room inside the box for groceries.

"Looks like you're ready," said Trei as Octavia stashed their packs in the boot. Gaspode had hopped up in the front seat and was sitting, tail whirring, ready to go while Gula was sitting in the rear facing back watching for an attack from the rear. Grinning Octavia swung into the driver's seat and picked up the reigns. "Just give him a little tap with the whip and away you go."

Octavia gave the horse a little tap on the rump and said, "Let's go Honey!" and off they went. It took Nick a little while to get used to pulling the little cart but it wasn't too bad on the uphill climb to Lancre Castle, but it wasn't as much fun as feeling Octavia's pussy rubbing on his back.

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The dwarves of Peregrine and Aegir Mining gathered around the new dwarf listening to what he has to say. He's a shallow dig Dwarf, you can tell by the way that his helmet doesn't have a lamp and his fore arms are covered with mud rather than rock dust. "I am Halldór Ditchfather, and this is my associate Marcasite," pointing out a massive troll who appeared to be made of shiny black and silver rock. It appear that the entire cavern wall nodded in acknowledgement, it's very clear that Halldór's associate was a huge troll. "We are here to inspect and insure that Lancre mine safety regulations are met."

"It's that damn duc," growled a dwarf.

"Yeah! Kill the duc!" shouted another. Soon the whole tunnel was filled with dwarves chanting, "Kill the duc! Kill the duc! Kill the duc!"

"HOO!" bellowed Marcasite causing a wave of super compressed air {generally known as a Blast Overpressure Wave} to roar through the tunnels and galleries of the Bear Mountain complex threatening to collapse the ear drums of all. Immediately the dwarves shut up and Halldór continued.

"For once this isn't the DUKE's requirement, this is OURs, yours and mine. In a bi-regent agreement between King Verance II and Low Queen Blodwen Rhysdottir the rulers have determined that this mine needs to be considered unsafe because this pit has NEVER been surveyed by a dwarven pre-dig assessment team, we have no idea what dangers we may face. We have no idea what we're digging for! This is something every dwarf should know before lifting a pick, and King Verance II of Lancre agrees with the Low Queen."

Now grumbling could be heard among the dwarves, "'e's right you know."

"Me mate G'millie got caught in a tunnel collapse, his widow got nothing."

"Lookit what happened to Groin! We ain't heard back from him."

"That's why we're here," said Halldór, "to insure these things don't happen to us, we need to stop, inspect every inch of these mines, then correct every safety deficiency before we go back to work."

"But if there was an injury, who would protect us? Who would cover expenses while we were out... or dead?" called a dwarf.

"Yeah!" cried another. Who's looking out for us? We don't even know what we're digging for, just that we would get a cut of the action."

"That's up to you guys, you need to figure that out," said Halldór who grinned at his confederate's questions.

"Yoon-yun?" rumbled Marcasite. For such a huge troll, he makes a great straight man.

"Who said union?" demanded Halldór, "I never said union. Ok everybody out, we need to start inspections and don't be talking about unions, that's not why I'm here."

About an hour later the site manager Rifty Peregrine noticed a lot more dwarves standing under the pines smoking a roll-up than normal... in fact EVERYONE was having a smoko and muttering about a union.

"What the hell is going on here?" demanded Rifty.

"The low queen demanded special inspections," said one dwarf between puffs.

"That's crazy! Everyone get back to work!" shrieked Rifty.

"You're going to have to talk to our shop steward," said a dwarf indicating an angry looking dwarf who was busy collecting grievances on his clipboard.

<><><><><>

The Lancre Castle briefing room was filled with king, queen, court wizard, the Duke and Duchess of Ankh Samuel and Sybil Vimes, and Lord General of the Army, Archibald Carnarvon who commanded a force that has yet to be called to action this century. {While other commanders were known as architects of their military forces, Lord Carnarvon was known as the archeologist of his} Also there were a collection of titled landowners in Lancre whose job it was to harumph at any suggestions that would cost them money and seated in a corner was the new Duke of Wægn his grace Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein whose only claim to fame was having a more impressive name than anyone else in the room.

Smoke from pipes and cigars filled the room with a bluish haze as the senior most men of Lancre discussed what to do with a mountain full of dwarves who were attempting to unearth an item of tremendous magical power. They were at the point of the discussion where common sense had yet to take hold and now veiled threats and slightly less veiled accusations were being batted about. "You invited them here!" snarled Lord Carnysmut, Baron in county Wigtinshire as he pointed at Nick who was sitting in a corner. However, Nic didn't even look up, he was studying a scroll. Ever since he learned to read he was voracious and Octavia was getting very good at creative forms of interrupting him just to get his attention.

"I am speaking to you!" bellowed Lord Carnysmut as he now stood over Nick.

The wound from being shot by a trigger happy dwarf still grieved Nick horribly, he wasn't in the mood for this, but he was prepared. Without looking up, Nick signed a document and said, "My dear Lord Carnysmut, when did "you" become a form of address for a member of the peerage?"

"PEERAGE!" roared Lord Carnysmut, "You insolent pup! Of all the daft, reckless, assumption of..." suddenly the room grew very dark for the raging baron, there was a ringing in his ears and the only light in the room came from Nick's eyes which were glaring at him in anger.

{It has been said that the gods throw dice but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out until too late that he's been playing with two queens all along. Lord Carnysmut was going to be struck by both queens}

"I was given this title by my lord and sovereign, true it is honorary, but for my son it will be hereditary," said Nick, "if you disagree with his majesties ruling I will leave it up to King Verance to deal with that, however I have found that four hundred acres of your estate extend into the Duchy of Wægn and taxes have not been paid since the previous Duke of Wægn left this mortal coil. Here is the bill." And without rising Nick handed Lord Carnysmut a tax bill that exceeded the value of all of his holdings. As he gasped and began to sweat the light returned to the room.

"That's preposterous!" roared Lord Carnysmut.

"That's ok," and Nick handed the sputtering baron another document signed by Nick and King Verance. "Don't worry about the taxes. This is a writ of eminent domain on the properties in your control that have defaulted on their taxes ceding them all to the Duchy of Wægn, now please sit down and give the adults that can use proper forms of address a chance to discuss this issue."

In shock that he just lost four hundred very profitable acres, Lord Carnysmut sagged into his seat.

"As I was saying," said His Grace Samuel Vimes, "The Duke of Wægn will concentrate his efforts on the rimward side of Bear Mountain to insure his land holdings are secure and will use agents to monitor any intrusion into the rimward side. I have put two of my greatest assets to work at the Bear Mountain dig, they should have the activities slowed to a halt before long."

"Saboteurs?" asked Lord Carnarvon with a sage grin.

"Worse," said Sam, "union organizers."

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Two thousand miles turnwise of Ankh-Morpork lies the wilds of Überwald, dark, mountainous, a land where the sun rarely shines and werewolves howl at night... generally in many of the local pubs. Here lies the city of Bonk {Pronounced Be-yonk} which is run by humans, werewolves, and vampires, and beneath it lies Schmaltzberg, the sprawling underground City of Dwarves. Schmaltzberg is the entrance to the Glory Pit, the deepest shaft in all of dwarfdom. It's goal is to reach a theoretical depth of ten miles where a fabled layer of Frunium lies, a metal so soaked in magic that it can produce perpetual motion in any device. The entire industrial revolution was waiting with bated breath for this mystical discovery.

Deep, deep down in Shaft #34 Axemir Stronginthehead finished his turn at the hammer and stepped off to the side for a break. He rolled a fresh cigarette in the pitch black of the mine showing how adept at the habit he was and sticking the roll-up in his mouth he began to pat his pockets for a match. As he searched, a match flared in the perfect darkness almost blinding him and a voice smooth as silk said, "Need a light?"

Axemir nervously looked at the face of his benefactor as he lit his smoke. It was a human offering him a light, but his face was indistinguishable from any other man that he's seen, a man who would never be picked out of a lineup, a man whose visage is the dictionary definition of the word plain, but on his amazingly clean lapel was a badge featuring the dagger and the cloak of the Assassins guild. "Just making sure you're doing well. Duke Worblehat-Stein is doing well also. For now," and the assassin blew out the match.

Axmir Stronginthehead's shriek of terror echoed through the Glory Pit longer than it took his smoke to burn down to his fingers.

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The summer was glorious! Nick and Octavia worked gently and played heartily. They spent much of the summer moving about the county, meeting the farmers and tradesmen that they hadn't met yet. Octavia took the position of Duchess and spoke to the citizens of their plans for a fair taxation while Nick took the role of witch and checked the children and farm animals for maladies. Most farmers were full of stories of the tax burden they were put under by the previous duke and all recalled abuses inflicted on the women by their own army. Few believed that Nick and Octavia were the new duke and duchess, but the more Nick checked the folks children for any childhood maladies the more the people of Tallywiffle County began to realize that Nick was the Witching Duke they had heard of and eventually word spread ahead of them and they were greeted more warmly.

As they entered into the area that Nick liberated from Lord Carnysmut the story of the baron's taxations were terrifying. "They would come in and demand outrageous sums of money, and if we didn't have the money they took whatever they wanted, cattle, horses, crops, wagons..."

"I can't give any of that back," said Octavia sadly, "but I pledge, in spring you will know what you owe tax collecting will happen in the autumn after your crops are sold and you can afford it. The bill I send in the spring will explain what you will owe so there are no surprises."

"Not disparaging on ya, yer ladyship, but I'll believe it when I see it."

"Just as long as when you see it, you believe it," said a smiling Octavia.

After a week of hopping from farm to farm, shaking hands, examining babies and watching farm families as they worked they began heading back to Creel Springs. Nick was even trotting, they were so excited to get back to the cottage, the word home was becoming more and more important to them.

They camped every night of their journey in the clean mountain air, curled up beside a campfire with Gaspode at their side and Gula high above them ready to fall on any intruder. She didn't need to worry, with a wave of her hand Octavia erected an invisible screen around the campsite. Any intruder that tries to pass through the screen immediately falls asleep and will remain asleep for two hours after Nick and Octavia leave.

As they started heading toward home they found men wearing masks sleeping soundly in the dried leaves. Nick said, "Maybe they're hungry and out of work."

"Gods you're so innocent," said Octavia. "Didn't that lumbermill complain that they needed help? They could easily get a job there. You helped them stack lumber for two hours."

"I want to think the best of the people here," said Nick as he slipped a small gold coin in each of their coin purses.

How can he be so smart and so innocent at the same time? Octavia asked herself. "Come on, let's get your bridal on, it's time to go for a ride."

"Ride?" Gaspode leapt up on the seat of the Ralli cart and started barking, "Woof! Bloody Woof! Let's go!" Soon Gula was on the rear seat chanting, "Oh! Oh! Oh!" {Go! Go! Go!}

"These two are going to train us for having kids, that's for certain."

The next night they woke up and on each side of the camp site lay a burglar, the same two as the other night. "What are you doing?" demanded Octavia as she watched Nick go through their coin purses.

"I'm getting my gold coins back, the Duke of Wægn has imposed a burglary tax." When Nick had finished retrieving his coins he turned to see that Octavia leaning against the cart with the bridal in one hand, the buggy whip in the other and a decidedly sexy look on her face.

"It's time to go lover, let's get your leather on." Her voice was breathy and hot. "We have two more farm steads then we can head home."

"Let's go for a ride," he sighed and became her Ramtop Mountain pony.

"Ride? Bloody woof woof!" cried Gaspode and he hopped up on the cart seat and Gula dropped down through the branches.

"The last night!" sighed Nick and he and Octavia pulled the blanket over them. As they began kissing a rough voice came to them out of the darkness.

"Oi! Where's our money?"

"What money?" Octavia asked.

"We're each missing a ten dollar gold coin."

"Do not come into the camp site, wait for morning and we'll talk about it." Octavia's words were followed by the sound of two bodies slumping to the dried leaves on the forest floor.

"That was mean," said Nick. "Funny, but still mean."

"You can't fix stupid," she chuckled.

The next day the two thieves woke on the side of the road, blindfolded, hands and legs tied, and a sign was hung around their necks stating that they were thieves and probably murderers and should be brought before the Duke of Wægn at Creel Springs.

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"Unfair to Union Dwarves! Unfair to Union Dwarves! Unfair to Union Dwarves!"

The protest line wove back and forth across the entrance to the Bear Mountain dig, striking dwarves marching four abreast. This is the third strike in six weeks and was the loudest by far, all digging has stopped and all dwarves are above ground either marching or lounging under the trees. The first strike started when the site manager decided to throw Halldór Ditchfather and Marcasite off the site, the dwarves all refused to work if their safety representatives were not in the area.

After getting the dwarves back to work, somebody mentioned that all the previous mines they worked at supplied bunk beds with blankets and pillows, another mentioned a mine that provided tables to eat at and play cards on, and somebody else mentioned that the mines in Überwald provided all of that and bottled water for any dwarf who needed it, so they struck demanding better living conditions.

After the bunkhouses were carved out of living rock and furnished they worked one day then walked off again. This time for better food and longer coffee breaks... who introduced them to coffee? Both were hard to get this far away from large dwarf populations, coffee is from tropical areas like Howondaland and Brindisi, that's the opposite end of the disk!

Rifty had to agree with his brother dwarves, the food is awful. For those of you that had to survive on canned rat meat and fresh baked bread you know what I mean. {Rat is the only meat that Dwarves eat, the fresher the better, nothing keeps a pick swinging like a hot rat pie or maybe rat-onna-stick} Combine that with dwarf bread and you have a meal. {Proper dwarf bread has to be not just baked {with gravel}, but forged and dropped in rivers and dried out, and sat on and left, and looked at every day and then put away again}

The food was improved, water made available, and coffee breaks implemented but nobody went back to work. Site Manager Rifty Peregrine looked over at Halldór Ditchfather sitting in the cabin that the dwarves built him for an office because you can't conduct union business on the work site. Rifty stomped over to the cabin and demanded, "What will it take to get the picks swinging again?"

Halldór looked up from his clipboard and said, "Hmmm, I'm thinking bonus. A nice fat bonus will do it."

"Bonus? For what? We haven't opened a square yard of tunnel in weeks! We were doing that in an hour before you showed up."

"That was due to a different strata of rock, you were cutting through limestone and granite, we're in deep schist now." {Schist is a medium-grained foliated metamorphic rock primarily made of platy minerals like biotite, muscovite, talc, and chlorite, it also makes a great pun}

"What kind of bonus are you talking about?"

Halldór wrote a figure on a sheet of paper, folded it over, then handed it to Rifty. With trembling hands Rifty unfolded the paper and read the number scrawled there and nearly fainted. That number, per dwarf, would double the already extravagant cost of this dig. It would bankrupt the company! There was only one thing to do: Operation Eagledrop.

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Two bandits were brought to the Duke and Duchess of Wægn on the back of a buckboard wagon by Harry Duchene, a farmer that the royal couple had met on their Turnwise Tour. "Ah figgered ah'd bring these folk in to you while ah got ol Bessie shod," Harry indicated his old plow horse.

"Thank you Harry, thank you so much!" said Octavia as she handed Harry two gold coins, the same gold coins that Nick gave the bandits then took back from them the next night.

"No yer grace, I can't, not after..." Nick had cleared up a case of the strangles in several of Harry's horses, saving their lives and saving Harry money he didn't have to replace them.

"No, take it. Go to the Emporium and get your wife something pretty."

"Yes, yer grace."

As she handed Harry the coins she made sure that the bandits saw the coins. Harry dragged the bandits off his wagon onto the ground and started to leave while Octavia glared at the bandits, she could see the anger in their eyes. With a snap of her fingers the ropes that bound their legs and their gags untied and fell off. As Harry rode off into the village she glared at the bandits. "Please stand when you're addressing the duke or the duchess."

"Well, yer majesty, you can go fuck..." there was a sudden crack of hardwood against hard skull. "OW! SHIT!" <CRACK!> Another solid connection.

"Watch your language around the duchess," snarled Nick. While the bandits were paying attention to Octavia and Harry, Nick came up behind them with his favorite cricket bat and instilled some discipline the old fashioned way.

{The cricket bat was a gift from Bruce Buggaritall, professor of Impending History at Bugarup University. Crickets in Four Eckes were notorious for their size and aggressive nature, and using a bat to deal with crickets in Four Eckes had become both a necessity and a sport}

"What, her? She ain't dressed like no duchess wot with fine gowns and all jewelry an' tiaras an' bits like that. She's dressed like a pregnant farm wife."

Octavia smiled, she didn't realize that it showed, she ran her hands over the little man that was growing sleepily in her womb, she didn't feel bigger, but she knew she would soon. It must be the gingham dress and apron that she's wearing. She tried to suppress a giggle and said, "honey, could you tell these fellows what the duke expects?"

"It's simple," said Nick, "three times you tried to murder the Duke and Duchess of Wægn, each attempt carries a sentence of death." He took a double bladed axe that was leaning against a roof support beam on the porch. "But the duchess has a much better idea. If you want, you can just walk away."

"Is that right guv'nor? Oye could jus' waltz away an' be free as a bird?"

"Uh huh, if you live, yes. Of course, you will have the letter T for thief branded to your forehead."

"What do you mean if we live?" asked the larger thief who has yet to speak.

"I have this cat..."

"Mountain lion," interrupted Octavia from the porch. "He's such a sweet kitty."

"He is to her," said Nick with a shrug, "but she's a wizard..."

"Enchantress!" said Octavia in a sing-song voice.

"She's an enchantress," continued Nick, "and the cat likes no one but her and Gaspode."

"Go let Kitty out, please?" asked Octavia.

Nick turned and walked around behind the cottage and momentarily a snarl could be heard then a roar and from around the corner of the cottage bounded a Ramtop Mountain Lion. {Ramtop Mountain Lions are surprisingly large for a mountain lion. As big as a very large dog the full grown male Ramtop Mountain Lion weighs 18 stone (252 lbs.) and 17 stone is solid muscle and fur, the last 14 lbs. is fangs and claws. The Ramtop Mountain Lion's fur changes to pure white in the winter and that white color is why this cat is a much prized pelt for hunters, it's also a reason why very few pelt hunters return from a winter hunting trip in the Ramtops}

"Kitty" barreled into the two still tied up thieves and held them down with a paw the size of a dinner plate on each of their chests and roared so loudly that their ears rang for days. "Kitty, come here kitty," called Octavia and eventually the lion turned then slowly climbed the porch and sat next to Octavia. It leaned against her leg and when she began to scratch behind the lion's ear the lion began to purr. The thieves eyes grew big around as the morning sun as the little dog sat down next to the purring mountain lion. Octavia looked at a scrap of paper that Harry had given her and said, "Ok, you're Dexter and you're... Bennie?"

"Bertie ma'am." The moment Bertie said that the mountain lion glared at him like he was the daily special at Harga's House of Ribs. With a roar it stood and crouched, it's tail flailing in anger, it's body quivered, ready to leap, it's one golden eye and the silver key on its collar gleaming in the sun. "Yer Grace! I meant yer grace!"

"You guys going to behave?"

"Yes yer grace!"

"Ok, kitty, go back to your house, Gaspode, go find Nick, get him back here," and both animals trotted off the porch then ducked around the corner out of sight. "This is what I want, you two will work for us, helping Nick with the chores, the animals, the garden. In return you get a place to live and food in your belly. If you steal from us, Nick will kill you. If you touch me, I will kill you. At the end of the year you can leave, your debt paid, or you can stay, continue on, and be paid for your work."

"And if we decide to sneak away?" asked Dexter, the shorter of the pair.

"Remember what happened when you tried to sneak into our campsite? How you fell asleep the moment you got too close to us? It works going away too."

"Kitty is going to eat good if that happens," said Nick who just showed up in a torn shirt.

"Oh no," Octavia gasped, "did kitty scratch you? He's so precocious." Then she stepped down to the lawn and walked up to Bertie and Dexter. "Not only are we Duke and Duchess, but we are also wizard and witch..."

"Enchantress," interjected Nick from up on the porch in a sing-song voice.

"Regardless," said Octavia, "If we want we can make you do anything we want, you could spend the rest of your days eating grass believing that you're a sheep. We have a family to protect and I will have Nick cut your heads off if that's what it comes to, or we can turn you into meat puppets and do our bidding until Kitty gets hungry again, but we don't want that. This little farm is growing and we need two more guys that we can trust to help us." She snapped her fingers and the ropes dropped from their wrists.

Dexter rubbed the back of her head, Nick really connected with that cricket bat he carried but something she said confused him. "Two more guys?"

"We have two guys working for us, contemporaries of yours, Alfie and Carl, they're doing awesome and are getting paid for their work now."

Bertie and Dex looked at each other, Alfie and Carl were friends and competitors, unfortunately Carl was as dumb as a brick but Alfie was sharp. If those two were hauling in cash with a steady job, then Bertie and Dexter were sure they could outdo Alfie and Carl. After all, what else do they have to do for the next year?

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In a forest clearing on the hubward side of the Gjorgiev River three dwarves and a young human gathered around a box of odd looking crossbow bolts. They were a bit longer than normal and had a bulbous head. Some heads were blue, some were brown, and all the bolts had blue flights. An over eager young wizard explained to the dwarves how this worked. "The bolts with the blue head will go off higher than the bolts with the brown head, watch..."

The young wizard, Horatio Tinsmith, had two crossbows cocked and loaded, first he grabbed the crossbow with the blue headed bolt and shot it upward. While it was still climbing he grabbed the second crossbow and fired. There was a barely audible pop and the first bolt created a small blue cloud of smoke in the sky, followed shortly by another pop and a small brownish cloud appeared about five feet below the blue cloud. "It's just that simple." The young wizard was clearly proud of himself. He designed the only easy way to shoot down a very, very smart bird without injuring it. The "live" rounds will contain a knockout gas instead of colored smoke and if the high round doesn't get the eagle, the eagle will dive to avoid the danger right into the cloud emitted by the low round. Once the eagle is knocked out they just have to catch it in a blanket held between them and someone gets a beautiful new pet.

"Just one quick question," said one of the trigger dwarves.

"Sure, what's the question?"

"Why are we doing this again?"

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Nick led Bertie and Dexter up the mountain, the two thieves were pulling the heavy sledge between them. "Ok, you can see the firewood up here, got it?"

"Holy shhhhhhhugar," groaned Bertie, he didn't want to get smacked again for swearing.

"Don't tell the duchess I said this, but while she's not around you can speak like you want to," said Nick.

"Thank you gov'nor. That is one - - -" Dexter led loose with a string of creative obscenity that threatened to peal the bark off the trees, but it was a very inspired description of the amount of firewood that needed to be moved down the mountain.

"That's a good summation of the task at hand. I've moved at least that much down there already."

"No shit?"

"No shit. Ok, don't overload the sledge or it will push you down the hill, or tip over, or maybe run over you, I do not want that to happen because I will have to move the wood if that happens. These ribbons on the trees," Nick indicated ribbons tacked to tree trunks stretched out in a line across the mountain. Do not go uphill from them, there is a field there that will knock you out. If you see someone that came down the mountain and they crossed that line, they will be knocked out too. Do Not Touch Them! If they are touching the field it will knock you out too, just let us know when you see one of us again."

Bertie and Dex loaded up the wood sledge, started down the mountain, and found it was pretty easy taking the wood downhill where they could stack it behind the cottage and Nick was right, there was a huge pile of wood there..

"That Nick fella, 'e's all right."

Dex agreed with Bertie's assessment, "I've done worse hard time. Hardly got a beating so far, yet I still respect him."

Then heading back up they looked back and saw Nick and Octavia walking hand in hand as they headed down Nana's Driveway. "Cor!" said Dex. "Wot's the duke gonna say when 'e gets back and sees them like this?" They had never introduced Nick as the Duke of Wægn, from his appearance, scruffy, dirty, torn shirt, Bertie and Dexter considered him the Dukes estate manager.

"The ways of the rich and powerful are not for us to comprehend my friend," said Bertie.

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The wind coming off the steppes was horrific, it was frigid, relentless, and it whistled through the collapsed buildings of Ecalpon, once a successful whaling village that made a lot of money off the oil trade until the whales stopped running. Instead of running they turned around and attacked. The angry whales wiped out the entire whaling fleet in the period of one month leaving the survivors to look elsewhere for their means of survival, anywhere inland and dry. Very Dry.

Look at the decayed buildings, neglected for decade after decade, other than the occasional shutter or door slamming in the wind there is no movement, no signs of life. Entire neighborhoods sit abandoned and rotting, even the children's toys sit abandoned to the relentless wind. But there's one shack down by the waterfront, shutters were inexpertly repaired and nailed closed, ancient rags are stuffed around the edges of the shutters to keep the wind out and the light in. Occasionally a whisp of smoke curls out of the broken chimney.

It was late on a dark cloudy night when a short figure emerged from the hut wearing an ancient parka, torn hood pulled up, an ancient fishing pole in one hand, a rusty, dented bucket in the other. The figure made his way down to the shore where he sat on a bench made of an ancient board and a couple of rocks. The former city of Ecalpon is on the end of the Ecalponian peninsula so there is ocean on three sides and the small bearded being was buffeted by damp, frigid wind. Soon his first catch of the day was in his bucket, a good sized blue snerk. A good eating fish, but he didn't intend to eat it, he was planning to use it to bait a string of rat traps.

As Axemir Stronginthehead watched the cork tied to his line a man sat down next to him and offered him a paper cup full of hot coffee. "Thanks," muttered Axemir, then realized that he's here in the loneliest part of the Discworld to be alone, there isn't supposed to be someone here to hand him hot coffee.

"How's the fishing?" asked the stranger.

Too terrified to look, Axemir softly said, "C-c-can't complain."

"Just letting you know that Nick is doing fine."

"Who?"

"Oh, sorry," said the mystery guest. "You know him as Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Worblehat-Stein, we just call him Nick, or as everybody else calls him, the Duke of Wægn."

Axemir stiffened up. "Don't look... Don't look..." he told himself over and over... but he looked. There in blue and black was the dagger and cloak emblem of the Assassins guild. With a shriek of terror Axemir dashed down the shore and jumped into the last remaining rowboat in Ecalpon. He was last seen rowing madly toward a distant shore that was far, far out of his sight.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

"Lung Mist!" shrieked the Agatean boy emperor. "Where is my dragon?

"Forgive me your excellence, the delay is most unfortunate, but I believe we may have a wizard with a plan to return your dragon."

"When will I get my dragon?" the child emperor was excited now. He held his toy dragon in front of him and swung it back and forth like it was flying.

"We need to complete reconstruction of the Empirical library, according to the wizard, that is key to getting the dragon back to you as quickly as possible. Otherwise, it will take months to get here via the sea routes. It could die enroute, or it could be stolen by pirates."

"Die enroute? A mighty dragon? How would that be possible?" demanded the child emperor.

"If you remember, your trepidation, he wore the skin of a man last time he was here, he had lost an eye, our wizard tells me this time he will come in the form of a bird, maybe an owl, or a vulture, or a hawk."

"Or an eagle?" the emperor was bouncing up and down in excitement.

"Dare we dream such a blessing your vexatiousness? We must keep in mind that birds are fragile when kept, even eagles."

"I want my dragon NOW! Get every book you can, do whatever it takes to complete the library!"

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Almost-nine-year-old Octavia Worblehat sat behind the librarian's desk at the Unseen University, she was hard at work learning the Quirmian language. Quirmian is a language only used in Quirm where it gives the speakers an unearned feeling of moral superiority over non-speakers of Quirmian. It's also used to talk behind people's backs, "Elle a de beaux nichons" is a favorite of Quirmian speaking men.

The wizards of the Unseen University had gotten so used to seeing an orangutan seeing to their needs, they generally have no problem with an eight-going-on-nine-year-old girl popping into the picture now and then to check out their books. All except one wizard who had the word WIZZARD on his ancient pointy hat, for some reason he saw Octavia from the entrance and ran off to spend the next entire week hiding in his closet with his Luggage.

As she studied, a young god appeared from the stacks. He wasn't very tall, but to an eight-going-on-nine-year-old girl all men are tall. He was wearing the finery presented to him by King Verence II, a bit threadbare but it radiated that something that royals seem to have {when they're dressed up}. He wore a red and green tartan kilt {The tartan of the Wægn duchy} A sheathed sword on the left hip and a matching long dagger on the right {gifts from the King of Brindisi, a way of saying "Thank you for saving the disc" without the sentiment costing too much} his tunic was covered by a leather and rough spun wool sash with a badge of the Office of the Patrician, Tyrant of Ankh-Morpork, another thanks for saving everything which clearly didn't cost anything.

He wore a slouch hat with huge dingaroo fangs tucked in a crockelgator hide hatband, the right side of the brim pinned up with the Bear Mountain badge of Queen Magrat's elite guard and a cork dangled from a string from the edge of the brim signifying membership in the Elite Bush Wizards of Four Eckes. But that was just stuff, he wore a close cropped beard with a bare streak down his cheek signifying a battle scar, and a crockelgator hide eye patch over his left eye.

This man was able to radiate "cool" in unprecedented amounts. "Cool" was a term that Octavia has brought to this region of the Discworld from her travels in L-Space. "Cool" could not be defined or quantified, especially for a pre-teen, but it exists and some people got it, but most people don't.

Then his woman came out and she was even more cool! Long flowing brunette hair and she too wore the kilt in the tartan of the Duchy of Wægn and the sash of Ankh-Morpork, but she carried a rapier on the left hip, a musket on the right, her hat was similar to the man's Slouch but hers was black, with the same badge of the Queen's Bear Mountain Elite Guard. Instead of the Eckesian cork her hat was decorated with a tail plume from the Great Ecksian Roc. It took young Octavia a long minute to recognize her 24 year old self.

Octavia smiled a thousand megawatt smile and leaned over and gave her younger self a hug. "Is that our Prince Charming?" Young Octavia asked in a whisper.

"Close, he's a Duke."

Young Octavia's eyes grew big around as dinner plates, and certain parts of herself melted when the Duke smiled at her and tipped the brim of his hat. He tapped her book and said, "Étudiez dur, rendez-nous fiers." (Study hard, make us proud.)

"Oh, oui Monsieur," she sighed as her older self and her future Duke swept out of the library followed by a small dog who said, "Hey toots!" to her as he walked by, but that wasn't possible because dogs can't talk.

Nick and Octavia waited at the main entrance to the library until their coach pulled up and the coachman opened the door for them. "Yer grace," he said as he held an umbrella for Octavia. Nick followed behind her and as the coachman closed the door, Gaspode hopped in before the door was shut. All three were soaked from the rain but the coachman left towels in the coach for them to dry off with.

"Gaspode, don't shake!" groused Nick as he rubbed down Gaspode with a towel.

"I thought you weren't coming," said Octavia as she wiped the mud off of her riding boots.

"You had mentioned the B-word, and I said, "not me" but when it started to rain it became a moot point." Gaspode rolled over on his back and let Nick dry off his tummy. This was the best part of drying off.

"B word?" asked Octavia.

"Bath," said Nick, "we've always had a problem with the B word."

"You know we're going to have children," said Octavia, "they love giving dogs a bath."

"Please tell me you're only having one litter," groaned Gaspode from under the seat box.

It was a short ride from the Unseen University to the Patricians palace and luckily there was a covered entrance so they weren't soaked by the rain again. "Stay by our side," hissed Nick.

"So I can be a good puppy? Should I have a pink rhinestone collar?"

"No, you are my familiar, a force to be reckoned with, too dangerous to be allowed to get too close to the unworthy."

"Dangerous, I like that," said Gaspode as they stood on the top of a grand staircase overlooking the lavish reception that the Patrician was hosting. The reception happened twice a year and the late summer reception was always the one to be seen at for the Discworld's "brightest and best." The patrician used this as an occasion to watch the interactions between the "movers and shakers" of the discworld, who is avoiding who, and who is surreptitiously passing information to whom else.

"I don't want to be here," whispered Nick out the side of his mouth.

"Our king sent us to represent Lancre," Octavia reminded him. "Smile, nod your head, don't talk, and avoid the seafood."

Sighing in defeat he handed a card to the herald who read the card and said, "Your grace, this last..."

"If you can't read it please find someone who can help you with the big words," said Nick with what he hoped was a snotty, arrogant tone of voice. He lived his entire life not far from here, in the gutter, watching the nobs and fops in their finery coming and going. He survived by eating their trash and hiding under their grand carriages just to get out of the rain. He wanted to slap every one of them.

The herald looked at the card Nick had given him and tried not to vomit. He started at a normal tone of voice. "His grace..."

Octavia slammed the butt of her wizard's staff, Virga, into his foot and growled in an unearthly sounding voice, "LOUDLY! Or you'll never walk again!"

"HIS GRACE, THE DUKE OF WÆGN, POMMERAIE DE LA MONTESQUIEU WORBLEHAT-STEIN, AND HER GRACE THE DUCHESS OF WÆGN AND WIZARD TO THE COURT OF LANCRE, OCTAVIA WORBLEHAT-STEIN... AND THEIR FAMILIAR, GASPODE, THE WONDER DOG."

"See? That wasn't so hard." Octavia smiled sweetly and they descended into a crowd of people who were surprised by the herald's outburst. As they descended the stairs she whispered to Nick, "I always wanted to do this."

"Do what? Go to a stuffy gathering with two hundred people that hate you?"

"No, this!" She waved her hand and cast a defensive spell over the building. "Unhappy kitchen and wait staff tend to spit on the food they're serving."

Suddenly, servers throughout the room dropped their trays in horror, the canape's and appetizers that they were serving suddenly started to react. All food items that someone in the kitchen or ballroom staff had spit on started to turn green and dissolve into a disgusting ichor. Shrieks and shouts of horror filled the room as the food that was spit upon dissolved in the hands of the guests and in one case, their mouth. "Just a little defensive spell," giggled Octavia sweetly.

Smiling at the uproar they caused, Nick and Octavia descended into the chaos fighting back their grins of triumph. Above the fray the Patrician Havelock Vetinari and his secretary Stuart la Fountaine watched the mayhem below. "Interesting choice for the guest list," said Stuart.

The Patrician merely allowed the whisp of a smile to cross his lips. "I like them, do be sure to invite them more often."

"I didn't invite them, I thought you did."

"Mister la Fountain, find me the guest list," The patrician's voice was still as smooth as oil, but just as deadly if you are not paying attention. "It appears that our magical friends were a last minute addition, it's almost as if somebody wanted them off of their mountain for the evening."

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Havelock Vetinari was right, plans were coming to fruition and somebody needed Nick and Octavia elsewhere. Rifty Peregrine now knew that the duke could take the form of an animal, like an eagle during the day, or an owl at night, he was able to see everything they did. It was no wonder why this dig was going so slow. The dwarf paced back and forth every night wondering how the Duke always seemed to know what his plans were until the tale of how Nick saved the disc by calling on ancient magical powers and taking the shape of a different animal.

Eagles, owls, deer, cougars, squirrels, sparrows, they all became his enemies. He once worried about spies but now he realized it was surveillance by a magic user. He had to outwit the duke. Unfortunately for Rifty Peregrine, he's not capable of doing that.

After being told by the king to stay on his own side of the mountain, Nick obeyed the king and left it up to spies on the hubward side of the mountain to keep him informed and Rifty was so focused on the potential of Nick taking the shape of an animal that he ignored the spies who passed information back to their duke via the ox-trains who haul coal and gravel back to Creel Springs.

Rifty was persistent, his plan EagleDrop didn't go unnoticed, but those in the know "knew" that Rifty was planning to set off his plan on the back side of Bear Mountain. They were wrong. Rifty was both persistent and desperate, a bad combination. As soon as his team was trained, he sent them to the other side of the mountain, followed eventually by Horatio Tinsmith, wizard. And on the eve of springing his trap he was able to get the Duke and Duchess of Wægn invited to a huge state function.

The long hours of sneaking under the trees, through canyons, around lakes, scaling cliffs was over. The duke and duchess were gone for the evening, the dwarves could move in the open. They worked as fast as any dwarf has ever worked at the edge of the high meadow on the rimward side of the mountain where they would meet up with that young wizard Horatio Tinsmith.

Horatio was nearly asleep on horseback as he followed the new road that went around Bear Mountain and crossed over Shrieking Bitch Pass on the widdershins side of the mountain, he was trailing an ox train that was hauling coal and salt from the Bear Mountain Dig to Creel Springs then on to Lancre Town. {Shrieking Bitch Pass was named by an explorer who was kept awake nights by the howling of the Lancre wolves}

The young wizard grinned as the sun started to come up while he rode into the preselected mountain meadow - perfect timing! He came to a halt in the middle of the field, hopped off the horse, then took a stake and a wooden mallet from the saddle bag and set the stake in the ground with a few hearty whacks with the mallet and tied the horse to the stake. Several paces away he lay down opened a book to read, mostly to keep from falling asleep.

Earlier the dwarves had arrived and dug a shallow pit to hide in. They spread a fishing net over the pit then propping it up with sticks they made a tent. Once their tent was up they covered it with leafy branches, hopefully making their tent look like a bush from the air. Once that was done they collected a huge pile of leaves and placed the pile in front of their tent. The dwarves saw Horatio tie down his horse and lay down looking like he was thrown, so they let the wizard Horatio Tinsmith know it was time to start. "Ready," a dwarf called out.

Horatio pointed his staff at the leaf pile and clouds of smoke began to emit from the pile without burning the leaves. Hopefully this will attract the attention they want.

And it did, within moments, far to the turnwise side of the face of Bear Mountain Bertie and Dexter were finishing their morning chores. They still hadn't decided if this concept of working for a living was working out for them, but they were having fun with the chickens and the ducks searching for eggs. Bertie was carrying a bucket of milk to the cold cellar when he saw clouds forming to the widdershins... but they weren't clouds, they reached down to touch the base of the mountain. "What the hell is that?" muttered Dexter.

"That's fire," said Bertie.

"That can't be fire, fire is orange and yellow."

"That's smoke from a fire." Sometimes it was a pain being the smart one of the team thought Bertie.

"If it was smoke from a fire you'd be telling the duchess by now," said Dexter. Sometimes it was a pain being the smart one of the team. They argued back and forth until they reached the cottage door and banged on it. "Yer grace! We think there's a fire!"

Nick was at the door pulling on his kilt in a very short moment. "Where is it... holy crap." In the distance was a column of pure white smoke rising straight up into the clear blue sky. "Ok, I'll get Octavia's Ralli cart out of the shed, you guys go get rakes and shovels."

"Right!" Soon they had the equipment needed, but no one knew how to connect the cart to a horse, and that included Nick. He wore the straps and belts; but he didn't know how to put them on. As they were puzzling out the belts Bertie eventually said, "Yer grace, this is a bit of a mute point not havin' a horse and all... just sayin'."

"That's a moot point."

"Like I said."

Just then Octavia stepped out of the cottage with her leather riding cape covering her gingham dress and said, "No one drives my Ralli cart but me."

Dex and Bertie turned back to the Ralli cart and instead of Nick standing between the traces, there was a horse. They looked at each other and shrugged then Octavia showed them how to buckle all the straps. Soon they were loaded up and headed toward the column of smoke. "What's the horses name?" asked Dex. Dexter didn't particularly like horses, but he was entranced with the idea that he could speak to royalty. The Duchess was just two steps down from queen!

"I call him Honey," said Octavia as they came up to the edge of their property line. "Get the gate, will you?" Bertie hopped down and opened the gate that left just enough clearance for the Ralli cart to get through, then they were on Erin MacClenny's property and back on the chase. They got as close to the smoke as they could, there were several hundred yards of forest between them and the smoke, but the Ralli cart couldn't make it through the woods. "I suppose we walk from here," said Octavia.

Bertie and Dexter hopped off the cart and collected up the shovels and rakes, then turned just in time to see the horse become Nick. "Stay here, I'm going to go take a look."

"Cor!" gasped Dexter and Bertie.

"What's up boss?" asked the little dog that was sitting next to Octavia.

"Blimey!" gasped Dexter and Bertie.

Nick and Octavia conversed silently as their lips met. "That smoke isn't spreading and the forest is dry here. This fire should be bigger," said Nick as he took Octavia into his arms.

"Don't. Please don't," she was pleading with him, something was wrong, this column of smoke just wasn't right. "Send Dex and Bertie."

"I can't trust them yet, and neither can you. I'm just going to take a quick peek and be right back."

"Marlon needs you to come back to us," she said out loud as their lips parted and their eyes drank in the sight of each other. Then Nick crouched, kissed her tummy then ran toward the fire, and suddenly he was the symbol of the kingdom and the symbol of his duchy, the Lancre Black Eagle. Dex and Bertie gasped as Nick flew off, an eagle with black plumage, talons, and beak, the only other color was the gold ring around his right eye, his solid gold left eye, and the silver key shaped mark on his crest. He gained altitude with powerful beats of his wings then he turned back and flew a figure eight over Octavia and the words he spoke to her the first time they made love came back to her mind...

"This is the figure eight, the sign of perfection, the sign of Octavia, the sign of my love for you. It's the symbol of infinity, which is the length of time I will love you."

"I love you too!" Octavia cried and she waved, then Nick turned hubward still clawing for altitude with each stroke of his wings. Trying to keep her husband in sight, Octavia backed away from the tree line so she could see him. She also noticed Dexter and Bertie staring open mouthed at Nick's retreating image.

"What, you guys never see a bird before?" asked Gaspode who still hasn't relinquished his seat on the Ralli cart.

"I heard that the duke could do that too," said Bertie who decided to ignore the fact that it was a dog talking to him.

"Seriously?" asked Gaspode, "Nick IS the duke."

"He can't be no royal," said Dexter who had worlds of knowledge and experience when it came to royals {mostly from standing in their court rooms} "he's too... real. He's one of the guys."

"Of course, he's real. Nick and I grew up together on Barrel Street in Morpork," said Gaspode.

"Bertie and I come from the shades," said Dexter. "I was brought up on Shamlegger Street."

"Abattoirs Lane," said Bertie. Poor Bertie, Abattoirs Lane is just a couple of blocks from the slaughterhouses, downwind and downhill. The gutters on Abattoirs Lane ran red from gore and ichor and the air was filled with the stench and the shrieks of the animals being slaughtered. Young Bertie was allowed to come home after his mother finished servicing her afternoon customers and he would be covered in blood, because as a child he spent his day playing in the gutters that were filled with cattle and pigs blood.

Octavia was shaking, she felt that something was wrong, horribly wrong. She placed her hand on her tummy and concentrated on remaining calm, she whispered to the baby in her womb, "it's ok Marlon, daddy will be right back."

Above them Nick was still fighting for altitude, then when he decided he was high enough to remain safe he locked his wings and started gliding toward the smoke. He was studying the fire, the eyes of the eagle were incredible, he could see every detail from the altitude he was at, and he could see that it wasn't a fire, there were no flames coming from that pile of leaves, just smoke, and not far from the leaf pile was a horse standing in the meadow, his rider nearby on the ground, clearly the guy needed help. Nick circled trying to determine if the guy was hurt, then he noticed that the horse was staked out and the guy was looking up at Nick smiling and... OH SHIT!

{Interesting fact: no matter what language is in use, no matter what the speaker's moral standards, no matter what corner of the multiverse the speaker is in, when surprised the response {spoken or unspoken} is always "oh shit"}

Nick saw dwarves pour out from under what appeared to be a bush, their crossbows loaded and firing up at him. He was concentrating so much on the guy on the ground that he thought was injured to notice the fake bush covering the hole filled with dwarves. Shit Shit Shit Shit SHIT! What do I do? What do I do?

"Honey what's wrong?" Octavia sounded like she was next to Nick. They can communicate wordlessly, magically across any distance. Even a continent apart they're always together.

Nick saw a pair of crossbow bolts come up at him and he began to panic, what do I do? The only thing that came to mind was, "Let the eagle fly." When he changes bodies the psyche of the animal he's inhabiting exists, like Granny's borrowing, the difference being that while Granny Weatherwax is "borrowing" an existing animal's body, Nick is making the animals with ancient, long forgotten magic. Now with the eagle in charge, the eagle's superior nervous system slowed the bolts came up at him; the eagle easily avoided the first bolt then turned and dove to gain speed to avoid the second bolt. He heard a pop behind him followed by another pop. The sky was filling with little white clouds from the magically enhanced crossbow bolts and although Nick didn't know what those little clouds were, he begged his eagle to avoid them, they had to be bad.

He had speed now and the trees were still far below, it was time. "Comin' home baby!" he called to Octavia and the eagle strained to get out of there. Another bolt zipped past him and again the eagle turned to avoid a second bolt that zipped up in front of him. There was a pop and the bolt created a cloud of powder that the eagle flew through and immediately Nick realized that was a mistake. The powder burned the eagle's nostrils, it created a flavor in the eagles' mouth that tasted of metal and magic, and Nick realized that he wasn't going home. He made one last call out to Octavia...

"Baby, I'm sorr..."

Back where Octavia was standing, all four were watching Nick the eagle circling over the forest when suddenly the eagle started jinking about as the sky started to fill with white puffs and suddenly the eagle fell out of the sky. Octavia and Gaspode began shrieking "NICK!"

Nick was still falling from the sky when Gaspode shouted, "Dexter grab an axe and follow me. Bertie, stay with the duchess. If anything happens to my nephew I will bite pieces off of you that can never be sewn back on." He started through the trees, General Gaspode leader of men. "Come on Dex!"

Below the eagle the young wizard Horatio Tinsmith was shouting orders at the dwarves directing their fire, they had to get it right because if they miss they're not going to get another shot, the Peregrine and Aegir Mining Company will be bankrupt by the end of the month and the duke will kick them out of his duchy, if he lets them live. Then the miracle happened.

"Got 'im!" cried a dwarf, "He got 'im!"

As if in a dream Horatio watched the eagle twist into an impossible turn, but it never leveled out. Its wings furled and the mighty raptor began its plunge to the disc. "Great shot!" cried Horatio as he and five dwarves got under the falling eagle with a blanket, "Who fired that?"

"It was Eryri!" someone cried, and a few more cries of "Aye! It were him, Eryri Brawnkin!" were heard among the shooters.

Horatio had more to worry about at the moment. The eagle came soaring down through the tree branches and the young wizard was afraid that they would lose sight of it and not catch it, or it would bounce off a branch and careen away from the blanket they held open, but luck continued with him and the eagle landed in the middle of the blanket.

It was heavier than they expected, but other than being semiconscious and dazed it appeared to be in perfect health. The glossy black plumage was undamaged from its plunge through the tree branches and Horatio could feel its heartbeat and labored breathing when he put his hand on the eagle's breast.

"Let me see," said Eryri Brawnkin as he muscled his way through the surrounding crowd.

"Congratulations Dwarf Brawnkin," said Horatio in his snotty Ankh accent, "you bring honor to your clan!" and he handed Eryri a one ki coin, the monetary equivalent of an Ankh-Morpork one dollar coin for the Agatean Empire. The main difference between the two coins being that the Ankh-Morpork dollar coin contains the equivalent amount of gold as a pint of sea water, the ki contains four ounces of 99.999% pure gold. Eryri could start his own mining company with that coin... but more important is the return of his family. Then he looked at the eagle and he saw sorrow in the eagle's golden eye.

Eryri now felt ashamed for bringing down the eagle, he turned the heavy coin over and over in his hand looking for a way out of this insanity but a voice that no one else noticed demanded that he stay. Eryri looked again at the eagle and it was fighting against the magical drug that dropped him from the sky. Do it! Fight against it! Eryri was silently cheering the eagle on.

Two dwarves now held the eagle as it fought its way out of unconsciousness. Many dwarves that looked at the eagle remarked on the odd key shaped tuft of silver plumage on the eagles breast, and if the sun caught his feathers just right there was a ring of deep, rich mahogany feathers around his neck looked like a collar to hold the key. But what amazed the dwarves most was that the eagle's left eye was solid gold. Horatio Tinsmith wasn't amazed over the silver key and the golden eye, it meant to him that Eagledrop was a success so far. He was amazed that the eagle was fighting against the thaum induced sleep. Now comes the part that the eagle is going to hate. "Get the silk!" he cried.

Dwarves disdain silk, so soft and smooth to the touch - disgusting! A dwarf likes to feel the leather bound grip of a war hammer, or the splintered wooden grip of an old pickaxe. However, a brave dwarf brought forth a length of silk and Horatio wrapped the silk around the eagles body, holding its wings against its sides then he pulled a pair of crimpers from his pack and a c-ring of bright purple metal. "Hold him tight, he's probably going to hate this."

"Tell Façade Incognito that I love her," said a sorrowful voice in Eryri's head.

"We got him," said a dwarf and with a quick squeeze of the crimpers the eagle had a bright purple ring loosely fitted to its right leg. The eagle was no longer able to fight, the ring on his leg took away his ability to battle off the magic enabled drugs and it merely let out a long crow of despair and slumped into a drug induced slumber. Moments later a feminine shriek from downhill echoed through the forest, it was a shocking echo of the eagle's groan of surrender.

"What does that ring do?" asked a concerned Eryri Brawnkin.

"It's made of Octainium, a metal with strong thaumaturgical properties, it is actually an inhibitor, absorbing all local free and quantified thaums," said Horatio as he eased the bound eagle into a pack. He hoped that his explanation was both thoroughly complex and incomprehensible and that the tone of his voice communicated the fact that if you ask any more questions then you are beneath contempt and will be ignored.

"The eagle is magic." It wasn't a question, Eryri knew that the thaum was the basic unit of magic so any word that starts with "thaum" is referring to magic. {One thaum is defined to be the amount of magic which is needed to create a white pigeon or three billiard balls. It takes no thaums at all to saw an assistant in half, but it takes up to seven thaums to put her back together}

"Let's go!" shouted Horatio ignoring Eryri. "Take only what you need, get back to the mine!" He had the eagle in a ventilated backpack and was already on horseback.

"Should we break up the cross bows?"

"Don't waste time! Just go!" He should have added, leave no dwarf behind, don't give the duchess reason to have them all executed, but he believed they understood that. Of course, he was wrong and he will pay for that oversight. Horatio spurred his horse and rode off as the dwarves made their preparations to leave. They threw their boxes of crossbow bolts and crossbows into the pit and dropped the netting which did a good job of covering the pit all the while Eryri Brawnkin stared at the gold piece in his hand.

"He was the duke," gasped Eryri. "We just captured a member of the king's court... they can hang us for this."

"We caught a bird that some bird fancier wanted, he called it the Golden Dragon," said a dwarf who was pulling on his backpack.

"Probably because of its eye," said another dwarf.

"An' it was an asshole," growled another.

"NO!" cried Eryri. He heard the shouting of men approaching, one was yelling "Stop" the other was yelling "Bark." Eryri realized he needed to tell somebody, he must let them know and he ran towards the sounds. As he ran he felt a sharp, intense pain in his back and heard a pop. He fell and he was unconscious before he hit the ground, but he remembered a metallic taste in his mouth.

"What the hell is wrong with Eryri?" demanded a Dwarf as they fired bolt after bolt through the trees at the sounds approaching from the pastureland below them. Eventually the shouting stopped. "At least that idiot stopped yelling "Bark," sighed Grendel as he tossed his crossbow into the pit and his partner Hunfrid did the same. They pulled on their packs and headed up the mountain back to the mine.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Octavia was in communication with Nick when he flew into that dust cloud from the crossbow bolt that popped below him. She remembered watching through his eyes the world losing focus, but she still felt him and encouraged him, and she felt his struggle as he fought off the sleep that was overwhelming him and she felt his fight as he was getting stronger, she felt someone else encouraging him, then she felt depression and sorrow and their connection was lost. When she returned to the world it was just her and Bertie and her screams fading into silence. Nick's constant presence in the back of her mind was gone and it was like her right arm was cut off. "Where's Gaspode and Dexter," she sadly asked Bertie.

"Don't know yer grace. They went silent." Bertie was staring through the trees trying to see what happened to the only friend he ever had.

As they suffered through an aching case of indecision, Octavia's neighbor Erin MacClenny came up riding his old mule. "I heard some noise and saw smoke and I thought there may be trouble, is everything all right ma'am?

"Nick is missing," said Octavia. Erin saw her eyes were all swollen and puffy from crying. "We sent a couple to look for him and there's nothing..."

Erin, the fine old gentleman that he is, climbed off his mule and said, "saddle up yer grace, let's go looking for your men."

As they got near the upper meadow Octavia noticed a tinge of magic in the air, that metallic, slightly greasy feel that let you know that someone was using up a lot of thaumatic energy. Of course, she was using it a lot too. Rather than her riding the mule, they connected her Ralli cart to Dave, Erin MacClenny's mule, and were heading up to the upper meadow and the trees were moving out of their way with Octavia's magical insistence. She was searching with her eyes and her mind for any sign of Nick or Gaspode when Bertie cried, "I found Dexter!"

Octavia hopped down from the cart and dashed over to Dexter and found that he was knocked out by some form of sleeping powder, probably Doctor Skidwell's Magic Sleep Potion. Doctor Skidwell's Magic Sleep Potion had nothing to do with magic, that was just an advertising gimmick. The sleeping potion was sold as a practical joke in Ankh-Morpork and other cities where virtue is a negotiable commodity. But this was fortified with a spell of some kind. Octavia leaned over Dexter and searched with her mind, looking for the thaum particles that were keeping the sleep potion active in his body. {The thaum is the basic unit of magic, think of it as a magic atom. The thaum is made up of any number of resons, which in turn are themselves made up of eight flavours {up, down, left, reserved, purple, falsetto, sex appeal and peppermint}} it took a while but she found it.

Shortly Dexter's eyes fluttered open and he saw an angel looking down on him... no, not an angel, angels aren't that pretty. "What happened?" he groaned as he tried to sit up.

"You were hit with a magically boosted party trick. It was just cheap knockout powder that's kept active by a first level magic spell." It took her a while to find it because she was looking for a complex solution, in the end it was two party gags tied to each other. This was something a "butt nugget" {First year wizarding student} would do.

{Butt nuggets were notorious for spending the first year of school dreaming of the ways to use their power to bed the delectable young lady of their desires. It was the only way for the butt nugget to overcome the greatest birth control device on the disc - their personalities}

Octavia realized that she had to find Gaspode, Gaspode was Nick's true and only friend, they considered each other as brothers actually. "Dexter, where's the dog? Where did Gaspode go?"

"I don't know, he was way ahead of me, he said he had a dwarf."

"He had a dwarf?"

"I didn't understand it either," said Dex as he got to his feet. His head was spinning and a headache was starting, but he's experienced worse, generally every Saturday morning. "Up that way, he said he found a dwarf and suddenly someone started shooting at us and I fell down." He led the way uphill to the area he thought he saw Gaspode and after a little searching they noticed somebody further uphill.

When Octavia got there she found a humanoid lying face down in the soft forest floor which was all pine needles, a crossbow bolt protruding from the dwarf's back. Next to the dwarf lay Gaspode. "Oh, no" groaned Octavia, "I can't tell if he's breathing..." she gently placed her hands on the dog, gently touching the little guy's body. She had to save him, this most improbable dog, he was her only connection to Nick, she couldn't lose both.

She glanced up and leaning against a tree Death waited his turn to reach out to Gaspode. "No!" demanded Octavia, "You're not getting him."

"THAT SEEMS TO BE A PATTERN WITH YOU, YOUR HUSBAND AND MYSELF," said the anthropomorphic personification of Death as he lazily inspected the edge of his impossibly sharp scythe.

"Is my husband on your schedule?" she asked as she leaned down and put her ear to Gaspode's muzzle to hear if he was breathing.

"EVERYONE IS ALWAYS ON MY SCHEDULE," said Death as he folded up his scythe and mounted his white horse, Binky. As Gaspode began to take deeper breaths, Death urged Binky on to their next appointment.

Dex and Bertie watched as Octavia touched the little dog here and there, what she was doing was finding the noxious gas in his body, breaking the bond with the magic spell keeping it active, and expelling the trick knockout gas from Gaspode's lungs. With every portion she found she began to worry about what this did to Nick. Being in a bird's body he wasn't quite as resilient as Gaspode whose body was used to sucking up the toxic fumes of Ankh-Morpork.

Finally, after what seemed like forever to the shaken wizard her walking stick arrived, it's little feet and legs struggling up the incline. Octavia reached behind her and Virga stepped into Octavia's open hand, then Octavia rose and lowered the end of Virga to nearly touch Gaspode. There was a snap and a little spark jumped from Virga to Gaspode who jumped and yelled, "BARK!"

Laughing and crying at the same time, Octavia knelt and hugged the little dog whom she refuses to accept as a brother-in-law, but she still loves him. "Damn it princess," he growled, "I was just taking a nap."

"Naptime is over, we have to find Nick."

At the same time Erin was poking around the small mountain meadow. By following the footprints and the trampled over grass he discovered the dwarves pit which was full of crossbows, crossbow bolts, and cases of canned rat meat. He showed his findings to Octavia as she arrived. "Looks like enough to equip a small army," she gasped.

"If we have dwarves crawling over this mountain, that's exactly what you're going to need, your grace."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

The unchilled side of the cellar of their cottage which was once filled mostly with sleds, snowshoes, and other impossible to fathom items {impossible to fathom for Nick and Octavia who have never experienced a Ramtop winter} now the cellar also contained the items the dwarves left behind, swords, large daggers, crossbows, boxes of bolts, both pointed and gas, and cases of canned rat meat and several flat rocks that Gaspode tried to convince Octavia was Dwarf Bread.

{Dwarf bread is rock hard {because it contains rocks}, never goes stale {because it already is stale} and is very sustaining. Knowing they have Dwarf bread in their pack sustains a traveler to find something else to eat, like their foot. Dwarf bread is best used as weapons, and many types are made for that purpose, like battle muffins and assault scones}

"Where is Nick? He should have been back by now," sighed Octavia as she leaned the dazed dwarf against the wall. "Last time he was gone he was back by now."

"You know princess, for a genius level wizard, you can be really dumb," said Gaspode.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"What I mean is if you unfreeze that dwarf he may answer all your questions."

"What if..." this is where Octavia got stuck every time.

"What if he says something you don't want to hear?" asked Gaspode. When Octavia started to fumble for an answer Gaspode said, "You haven't given him that chance."

"Ok," she groaned. How will she tell this dwarf that he's been stored in the basement with the canned goods for a week? She lay the dwarf down on the dirt floor and began the search its body for the thaum enhanced particles of knock-out gas.

"Is this how you did it in your sorority?" asked Gaspode with a snicker.

"NO," Octavia almost screamed. Knock-out gas was a hazard of sorority life on the roundworld she studied on, but you could always cure yourself... unless the guy who knocked you out was cute... "This jerk put a lock on this when he boosted it with a spell. The maker of the gas is the only one that can unlock it, so I have to pick the lock."

"Where did you learn all this medical magic? Did they teach it to you at the wizard school?"

"There is no medical magic," said Octavia as she used medical magic to awaken the dwarf.

"You used medical magic when you took the crossbow bolt out of his lung."

"There's no such thing as medical magic," insisted Octavia.

"Tell that to the Dwarf you just saved."

The dwarf coughed a few times and looked at Octavia. "Am I in prison?"

Octavia acted stoic for a long time as she and the dwarf sat facing each other on the dirt floor, the only light in the cellar a single candle. "Should you be?" Gaspode asked.

"Yes," gasped the dwarf. "I was just trying to save my husband and my son, but when the eagle spoke to me I knew... when the humans came I ran to them and woke up here."

"What were you saving your husband and son from?"

"The manager, that bastard, Rifty Peregrine, he said he had my husband, my boy and if I didn't shoot the eagle he would kill them."

"You're a female?

"Yes," but inside her heart the Dwarf was saying 'female yes but please, not a widow.'

"What did the eagle tell you?" asked Gaspode. He was looking at Octavia's ice cold countenance rather than the dwarf which was on the verge of a breakdown.

"He asked me to stay, I was going to leave but I heard a voice in my head, this voice said "Stay." I held him in my hands, and I looked in his eye and I could see he was fighting the drugs... I'm sorry, I didn't know so I tried to encourage him and he was getting stronger, and I'm sorry, I didn't realize..." and the dwarf broke down in tears. "They told me it was just a bird!"

"Did he say anything else?"

It took a long time for the dwarf to get her voice back. Eventually she gasped, "he saw the purple ring and he realized he had lost." This is where Octavia's icy demeanor began to crack, she was sure that the purple ring was octainium, Nick wouldn't have known but being magical, he would have felt it.

"Did he say anything else?" Gaspode repeated.

"He looked at me, and I'll never forget the words he said, it's like he burned them in my head for eternity. He said, "Tell Façade Incognito that I love her."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

After crying in each other's arms for an hour they heading upstairs for a bath and a fresh change of clothes. It seemed that talking about their men helped Octavia get over the shock of her loss. Eryri and her husband had been married over thirty years, which seemed an eternity to Octavia, but to dwarves that was still early in their relationship. Her husband Lars Ericson and her son Eric Larson were like two gravel pips in an aggregate pit, {same as two peas in a pod but dwarves don't like peas} they were idealists with their heads in the ground, always planning to open a new shaft for themselves, not looking for the next big payout but maybe enough to keep their family and a few friends in business.

As they talked and nibbled sandwiches, the first food Eryri had eaten in days, a messenger candle lit in the cottage. "Someone is in the bookstore waiting for me," said Octavia, "let's go, it's on our way."

Octavia Worblehat-Stein and Eryri Brawnkin headed down Nana's Driveway to the bookstore, Eryri's beard was cleaned and brushed, she was dressed in clean boots, coveralls, canvas jacket and polished mining helmet, pickaxe on her shoulder. Octavia wore her enchantress robes, weapons belt with musket on her left hip, rapier on her right, dagger at her back, riding boots, leather cloak and her Four Ecksian bush hat with emu plume. Eryri was the picture of a hard working dwarf, Octavia exuded sex appeal but her manner suggested to all men, "This isn't for you." They were two women out to fight to get their men back.

Their bodyguard, a small wirehaired terrier, didn't add to the image, neither did their designer purses, but they were out for trouble.

At the bookstore Octavia found Bruce Dinkum there with a small stack of vellum that needed to be enchanted, but the look in her eye told him that it wasn't going to happen. "Aw, wot's wrong girl?"

"Nick is gone, someone took him and I can't feel him," she fought desperately to hold the tears back.

Bruce looked a bit confused. He stepped behind the proprietor's desk and opened the top drawer then said, "His key's not here." The keys for the bookstore, keys that Nick and Octavia wear on ribbons around their neck belong to them and mark them as owners of the bookstore and if they die, the keys return to the drawer until the next owner claims them. "In Four Ecks we say where there's life there's hope, and ol' Nick still has life." He put his hands on Octavia's shoulders and tried to get her to look into his playful eyes, "we need to give him the hope he needs, right?"

"Yeah," she muttered.

"You don't sound hopeful. Work on it." Bruce smiled at her, trying to get her to cheer up but it didn't work. "I'll go get some o' the fellas and we'll meet back at your cottage, where are you off to?"

"Überwald."

"Überwald! That's two days by train!" cried the dwarf.

"Trust us," said Bruce, as they started to squeeze their way through the bookshelves.

Octavia was still explaining the rules of L-Space to Eryri when they stepped out into Lady von Überwald's personal library where her Chief Master Librarian, Igor, was there to meet them. Being a Senior Master Librarian, Octavia gave Igor the secret Librarian's salute {Right index finger held vertically and gently touching the lips while repeating the mantra "Shhh."}

"How may I therve you mithtreth?" said Igor, his pronounced lisp especially juicy today.

Igors pride themselves in being self-made men, the body parts they use to re-assemble themselves may not be the best looking but they are the always the best functioning parts. In contrast to themselves, the wives that Igors make for themselves are incredibly beautiful, usually a full head or two taller than their husband {depending on how many heads their husband assembled for himself} Igors wives are tall, sexy, beautiful, highly intelligent, and always satisfied. {I did mention that Igors always have the best body parts}

"New arm Igor? Looks good!" said Octavia.

"Yeth mithtreth, it ith incredibly uthfull in the library." Igor now has three arms because everybody needs an extra hand. "I could arrange one for you."

"I could think of a use, but right now, no thank you," said Octavia, "we're here to see Blodwen and to use your clacks station." She handed Igor a sheet of paper and said, "Can you send this?"

"Yeth mithtreth," slobbered Igor, "Thee ith here in madam'th houthhold, if you could wait here I will anounth you. Who may I thay ith with you?"

"Eryri Brawnkin," said Octavia. "Her husband and son are being held hostage by the Peregrine and Aegir Mining company.

"Yeth Mithtreth," and with a bow Igor left the room.

After Igor left, Eryri turned to Octavia and said, "Where are we?

"We're in Überwald and this is the castle of Lady Erica von Überwald." Seeing the worried look on Eryri's face Octavia quickly added, "Don't worry, she's actually quite nice." The reassurance fell on deaf ears, in a land full of strange wonders, Lady Erica stands out. She is the only person on the disc that is both a vampire and a werewolf. Nick once fearlessly asked her how she decides to attack her prey, what makes her choose between werewolf or vampire.

Lady Erica said, "That depends on if I'm peckish or thirsty."

Worried that Octavia got her into deeper trouble than she expected Eryri asked, "Who are we here to see?"

"The clacks is my primary reason; this is the quickest clacks access we have." By clacks she was referring to the continent spanning system of semaphore towers that transmit messages. Now messages can be transmitted in minutes rather than weeks.

"And to see Blodwen, I have a message for her," said Octavia, and when she saw that Eryre didn't seem to understand she said "Blodwen Rhysdottir."

"The Low queen?" Eryri nearly shrieked, "You're on first name basis with the Low Queen?"

"Uh huh," nodded Octavia, "she's very nice, you'll like her."

Eryri was now fully panicking. Dwarves and humans differ in one sense, the dwarves are always striving to dig deeper, they are always looking down for advancement, therefore the Low Queen is the most powerful sovereign in all of dwarvendom. Human royalty is over common folk, dwarven royalty is under common folk.

"I'm going to curtsey when I speak to her today," continued Octavia.

"Why? I thought you were buddies."

"After what she hears what I say she may want to cut my head off. If I am kneeling it will make it easier for the both of us."

The Low Queen of Dwarvendom, Blodwen Rhysdottir and her host Lady Erica von Überwald swept into the room and as Eryri bowed Octavia spread her gingham skirt in a deep curtsey. "Octavia! Rise! We are friends and allies!"

"Possibly not after what I have to say, your highness," said Octavia without raising her eyes.

"Stand and speak, friend," boomed the Low Queen.

Octavia slowly stood and finally her eyes met Blodwen's. "The Duke of Wægn has been abducted by agents of the Peregrine and Aegir Mining, I am now ruler of the Duchy of Wægn. All lands and mineshafts under contract to dwarves in the Duchy of Wægn I hereby claim, I lay claim to all people and equipment that was under your rule and will hold them until I am satisfied with the return of the Duke. If anyone disputes my decision I will use whatever means available to convince them otherwise."

Blodwen stared at Octavia and Eryri wide eyed, not believing what she just heard... her friend Octavia just declared war on the dwarfs! "Is this true? How can you prove such charges?"

"I have spoken with an integral member of the team that kidnapped the Duke."

"Who would do such a thing?" the queen demanded loudly.

"I did," said Eryri in a tiny voice.

"Your majesty!" said Octavia quickly. "I am satisfied that she was forced into this, Rifty Peregrine and his confederates are holding her husband and son hostage until she complies. I have absolved her of all responsibility, she risked their lives coming to me and I wasted so much time..."

"What is their names?" demanded the queen.

"Her husband Lars Ericson and her son is Eric Larson," said Octavia as she held her trembling friend.

Low Queen Blodwen Rhysdottir's jaw clenched and she softly patted Eryri's shoulder and said, "walk with me," and she led Eryri into Lady Erica's mansion while Lady Erica led Octavia back into L-Space. "What's going on?" but Lady Erica gave Octavia the librarian's salute, a finger pressed to the lips requesting silence.

Octavia watched Lady Erica von Überwald walk from behind with jealousy, Lady Erica was tall and slender with well-defined breasts, waist, and hips, a tall, slim hourglass. Her black dress fit her like a second skin, her plunging neckline never showed any more skin than she wanted it to, if Octavia tried to wear a dress like that she would show the world what an enchantress looks like in many places. "Just my ass weighs more than she does," Octavia mumbled.

"Pardon?"

Octavia had forgotten how perfect a werewolf's hearing was. Might as well be honest. "Just complaining about how perfect your ass is compared to mine."

"Zare are prices to pay for ziss fikure, one uf zem is schpending centuries vishing I looked more like you."

"Seriously?" Octavia always thought she looked fat and undesirable, that she was only attracting men because her tits were big, she did understand the power of large knockers.

The vampire turned on Octavia and whirled her around then pulled her back against her and her hands began running all over Octavia's body. "Zis body I voult kill for! So lush! Zo smooth!" she cupped Octavia's large round breasts and shook them. "Zeez booobs I voult schqueez all nacht long! I woult never exit zee schower! Ziss ist ze body zat men vant, unt I haf zee body zat vomen vant. Zo borink." She pinched Octavia's nipples and Octavia yelped at the sudden sensation.

"Sorry, I'm a bit sensitive. We're... expecting our first."

"Oh! I am zo zorry! I dit not realize. Haf you told anyone yet?"

"No, not before we tell my father." Just then they turned the last corner and as they entered the bookstore Octavia found that the place was filled with Bruces. Overcome with gratitude, Octavia ran up to Bruce Dinkum the librarian of Bugarup University and threw her arms around him. "Thank you," she gasped.

"Don't thank me Sheila," said Bruce, "the boys heard that Nick had been Nicked and came to help. We couldn't hold em' back." All wore their slouch hats with dangling corks which were their badge of rank, camouflaged robes and all were carrying some form of weapon.

"I don't know what to say," gasped Octavia, her eyes filling with tears.

"Then don't say anything, just give us a hug."

As Octavia hugged Bruce, Gaspode hopped up on the seat behind the desk and peered into the desk drawer, there was no key there meaning that Nick was still alive, but the last time he looked he saw what looked like the ghost of a key fading away. He could only guess what that meant, and he didn't want to think about it.

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After several days of rowing assisted by a formidable following gust, Axemir Stronginthehead and his sinking rowboat were blown ashore by the gale force winds onto a pebble beach. The winds coming off the ocean were so strong that they blew his rowboat to pieces the moment he climbed out of it and blew him inland where he collapsed behind a huge sheltering rock. Grateful to be on dry land, Axemir rolled over to kiss the ground when he noticed he wasn't alone behind the rock, he was there in the company of a dead soldier.

The dwarf didn't recognize the armor, it was a vastly different armor than what he was used to seeing. It was made up of two inch square plates of gold that were wired together. It looked flexible and comfortable as armor goes. He decided that since the soldier was dead he should try it on, even though he was not a doctor he was able to determine that the soldier was dead. The fact that the armor was occupied by a skeleton was a dead giveaway. The tunic piece of the armor hung down to Axemir's knees, which worked out good for Axemir. He checked the armor for any weapons he could take and he found a slightly usable dagger. Slightly usable because the dagger was composed of a soft metal that would be turned away by the cheapest armor but being made of gold Axemir found it impossible to put down.

Sticking the knife in his belt he travelled inland on shaking legs, he needed some food, preferably rat, anything but cabbage. As darkness set in Axemir found a small farm that appeared to be abandoned and inside the single room hut he found four skeletons armored in gold, dead at a game of cards. The dwarf collected the gold daggers and the gold poker chips, but one skeleton appeared to be an officer, his uniform had aluminum decorations and he carried a tin dagger.

Along one wall were several huge clay pots sealed with a form of paper that was glued to the mouth of the clay pot. Some pots sloshed so he figured they were wine or vinegar, the others didn't, so maybe they're food? He's heard of the dreaded shekim, something made of cabbage and was supposedly buried underground until it rotted. He wasn't sure what came after the rotting, possibly eating, he wasn't sure. The only rotted food that dwarves ate was a delicacy - rotted rat meat.

He sliced open the paper seal and a pungent odor filled the hut, and what paint that remained on the walls began to peel off. Axemir sniffed the stench that was so raucous you could actually see it and thought, "not too bad," and he stuck his gold dagger in the pot and came out with a quivering lump of opaque goo that looked as appetizing as it smelled. Fearing the worst, Axemir took a bite, and then another, and another, and another, it was incredible! Every bit as putrid as rotting rat flesh and just as delicious!

This was his first filling meal since he left the mines of Bonk. He ate with relish, savoring every delicious, decaying bite. Even when the human sat down next to him, he didn't run off in horror, Axemir didn't want to be hungry in the afterlife. The painfully average looking human speared a lump of the offal then sniffed it and took a bite. "Definitely an acquired taste," he said.

"'s dlishus!" said Axemir around a mouthful of the gelatinous blob. "What is it?"

"It's called shekim, even the people who make it, save it for times of famine, which around here come quite often, they dread eating it but it was once cabbage. I was betting the dwarves would love it. It looks like I was right." His mouth full of faux-rat, Axemir could only nod in agreement. "You know, if you survive the next few weeks you stand to make a lot of money setting up trade agreements between the Agatean Empire and the Dwarves for this stuff."

Axemir felt his blood turn to ice. Agatean Empire? He thought about it, he found gold being used for cheap items, daggers for low ranking soldiers, poker chips, low denomination coins while tin and aluminum are used for more precious items like ceremonial daggers and badges of rank. Gold was as common as tin in the Agatean empire, lighter elements like tin and aluminum were rare. Everyone outside of the Agatean empire realized that there is a famine going on in Agatean lands and his body may end up feeding a politician. "How is the duke doing?" Axemir asked, hoping to change the direction of the conversation.

"Not well I'm sad to say."

Axemir's world began to implode, he turned to speak to the assassin but the man whose face Axemir could not describe was gone. Outside the windows of the hut there were people moving around out there and the clanking of their armor was not a good sign for the dwarf.

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After Octavia returned to Creel Springs a message arrived to report to the king, but Octavia and Gaspode were already enroute to the castle. Lady Erica von Überwald had called for her carriage before leaving for Creel Springs via L-Space and after Octavia tearfully thanked all the Ecksans for coming {most were named Bruce} she climbed into Lady Erica's coach with blacked out windows and were racing up to the castle at breakneck speed. Octavia was terrified at what her king would say, she had declared war on a group of dwarves! In a kingdom that hasn't seen war for hundreds of years, she's holding the position of a duchess for a few months and she declares war. "He's going to cut my head off."

"Nonsense," said Lady von Überwald. "He vill unterschtant, und if he doesh not, hiz vife vill, und schee vill inform him uf vut it means to be a voman whose heart vas rripped out."

"What if he doesn't?"

"Zen... you tell me. You are zee enchantress... Ah! Exzelent! Ve are here!"

Somehow Lady von Überwald's team made the four hour ride in one hour. They exited the coach under the portcullis of the castle and the coachman was pouring water over the smoking axles while the groom was cooling off the steaming horses. Harold Lorechestershire met Octavia and Lady Erica at the portcullis and ushered them in as Gaspode raced to catch up with them. They found themselves in a small room next to the king's reading room. It appeared to be set up for teaching lessons to the royal children, luckily the table they were sitting around was set up for adults.

"Our children were supposed to start lessons this week," started King Verence sadly. "When the duke did not show up I sent a rider to Creel Springs and Gaspode informed us that Pommeraie de la Montesquieu was..." He stopped to catch his emotions, he almost wept with anger and even though Octavia was sure she had no more tears she was close to weeping herself, King Verence was the only person they knew that used Nick's proper first name rather than calling him Nick.

Soldiering on the king sighed. "The low queen Blodwen Rhysdottir sent me a clacks stating your intentions but she would like to know of any changes since... Lady Erica?"

Lady Erica was shaking her head side to side then finally said, "She doesn't know."

"What," Octavia looked confused. "What don't I know?"

"Octavia darling," said Lady Erica turning her chair to face Octavia and she took Octavia's hands in hers. "Your friend Eryri Brawnkin... her husband Lars Ericson unt her schon Eric Larson... zey vere kilt in a mine tunnel collapse seven veeks ago."

"How is that... When Rifty Peregrine grabbed them he must have... I don't understand," Octavia said finally.

"Rifty never had zem darling. He vas given notification of zer demise but he tolt Eryri zat zey were beink held. Ven ve left Uberwald ze qveen vas informink Eryri of zer deathz as we left."

"Oh no... poor Eryri..." and Octavia found she did have tears left. She cried for her friend for a long time, and when she finally pulled herself together she found herself looking out a castle window that faced Bear mountain, the mighty peak that was bare of life on the top mile of elevation. It seemed to call to her, the mountain was telling her they were ready for each other now. Then she sat in icy stillness with Gaspode on her lap, and as she stroked the fur of Nick's best friend she realized that Gaspode was her brother-in-law now. She looked at the king and queen and said, "I need to get to work."

"Let's go," said King Verence and he led an angry Octavia into the throne room. The kings advisors and staff waited anxiously; rumors of a royal being kidnapped were running rampant through the capital town. When the king entered the room people started demanding answers, shouting questions and acting disrespectfully. The king raised a hand and silence descended on the throne room but the damage was done, Octavia retreated within herself and she cut these crazy people out of her stream of thought. All she wanted was to snuggle in front of a warm fire with Nick and Gaspode and watch the calendar tick down to the day that Nick would deliver their son. But since she can't do that, she needs to fight to get that back.

Outside of her head the king was trying to explain why things had advanced to this point. Suddenly an old man in a military uniform grabbed Octavia by the arm and said, "This is all your fault."

Something clicked in her mind, something that Nick had talked about doing, it centered around this wizen old man who did not earn her respect. "Who gave you permission to touch me?" the words boomed and echoed through the high drafty ceilings of the throne room. When the old soldier didn't release her arm she asked again, "Is this what you do? Stalk the palace and grab innocent women like your army grabs the women of Wægn?" Her voice echoed in the castle like thunder terrifying all in the room. The old general tried to let go, but his hand would not release from her arm, and this time she shrieked in terror, "UNHAND ME!" and she pulled out a sixteen inch short sword from under her cloak.

"Lord General Carnarvon! Release her!" boomed the king.

"I'm sorry your highness, but I must protect my baby!" cried Octavia and she rose the blade to strike and at the same time she released the magic hold she held on the general. He let go of her arm and fell back wordlessly, gasping and looking at his hand like it was a strange animal. She touched on a sad part of Lancre history that was kept from the kings ears, but the tales of the women of Creel Springs reached her ears. She pointed the dagger at his throat and cried, "had you been protecting the women of the Duchy of Wægn instead of using us as unpaid whores every time you marched your army through our streets you may not have had such a hard time letting go of my body. We are not your sporting girls!" The point of the blade touched his bobbing adams apple as she cried, "The next time a woman of the Duchy of Wægn is raped by a member of your army, you have just declared war on us and We Will Respond."

"General Carnarvon! Are these accusations true? Is my army merely a pack of rapists?"

"Of course not sire, this woman is obviously mad... aack!" the point of Octavia's blade pressed harder against his throat.

The throne room was silent but for some uncomfortable muttering in the background, then one voice called out, "Aye, it is true."

"Grann... uh Esmirelda?" gasped the king, this was Granny Weatherwax, the senior witch throughout the disc and a subject of his {so much as she'd allow} "Were you...?" the unasked question hung in the air as heavy as a Ramtop mountain lion and twice as deadly.

Granny rose to her full height, which was impressive for a woman of her years. Slim and as straight as a rail, the years didn't lay heavily on her shoulders, they wouldn't dare. Granny wore her decades as badges of honor and her wrinkles as stripes of rank. "No, I was not touched, there were a pair of men that tried, and they ended their days in a pond believing they were tadpoles."

Beside granny rose Nanny Ogg, short, dumpy with a face like a friendly raisin, but today she wore a scowl. "When our Shawn declared to join the army, he returned with stories of their "recruitin' tactics." Oi tol 'im "Shawn" oi says, "You join the palace guard and not that band of rapists," and he's been with the palace guard ever since and is a better man for it."

King Verance was shocked, his army was recruiting rapists. He looked over at the head guard, Shawn Ogg, and asked, "Trooper Ogg, is this true?"

Shawn snapped to attention, his ill-fitting armor followed him to attention by a moment or two and he said, "Yes sir. General Carnarvon told my class that it was a recruiting tool and a reward for a job well done."

King Verance turned to his most trusted advisor, his queen, surely she would know what to think of this situation, but when he turned to her she was staring at her feet wishing it would all go away. Rage boiled in the normally thoughtful king, but this is the hard part about kinging, dealing with bad people. "Trooper Sidwell?"

"Yes sire!" cried an eager young guard. Sidwell was new and barely experienced, but he was big and strong and painfully honest, he reminded King Verence of an over eager Carrot Ironfounderson from the Ankh-Morpork city watch.

"Trooper Sidwell, escort Mister Carnarvon to the detention center then notify Mister Morose and let the royal investigator know that I want answers.

{When given a task to find information, the Royal Investigator uses everything in his means to find that information, including opening up the detainee and seeing if the information is hidden inside of him somewhere}

The king continued, "If Mister Carnarvon does not arrive at Mister Morose's office mostly or at least partially alive, please lock yourself up there." The King then turned to Shawn Ogg. "Trooper Ogg, you are assigned to Duchess Worblehat-Stein, see to it that she wants for nothing." Then he looked at the witches in attendance. "Nanny Ogg?"

"Yes yer kingliness?"

"Gytha, the Duchy of Wægn is without their witch, I know you are retired but could you help for a short while?

"Yes, yer lordfulness."

"And you Esmirelda Weatherwax, could you act as an advisor to the Duchess? She has another mission to complete."

"Yes your highness," said Granny Weatherwax primly. It was the first time a king had ever asked her for any assistance, he was going to learn the hard way that this was not going to happen again... but for now the girl needed help. The girl in the cute gingham dress had a grip of the generals breastplate with her left hand, and her razor sharp blade was in her right hand, the tip of the blade was at the former general's throat. "Come girl, we have work to do." Octavia looked at Granny with a questioning look. "Let go of the general and let's go."

Octavia slowly sheathed her blade and released the General's breast plate. "It's what Nick wanted to do."

"Yes, and you acquitted your girls nicely, Nick will be sad he missed this, now let go of the general," but Octavia just looked at Granny. "With your mind girl, let go with your mind." Octavia nodded and the former general slumped to the floor. As young Sidwell dragged the twitching former general to the rack, Octavia stepped up to the King and sadly quiet queen.

"I'm not sorry that I did that, but I needed to do it while Nick is still alive. I don't think I could have done it otherwise," said Octavia.

"I understand. Right now, Queen Magrat and I need to find a quiet space." The king was heartbroken, all these years together and she never told him about her abuse at the hands of the army... his army. "Let us hope our next meeting is under better circumstances."

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The Bear Mountain Army of the Duchy of Wægn began to assemble around the pond at Nana Partridge's cottage, rows of small tents popped up, and local farmers donated produce and livestock to feed the troops. Librarians from Four Ecks and the Unseen University manned the bookstore constantly so it wasn't needed to be locked up, and support began to pour through, a full dozen blokes from Four Ecks and men from local farms and businesses were trailing into camp in twos and fours. None had any military experience except the blokes from Four Ecks who always seemed ready to pick a fight.

Then on the final morning Feeney MacTavish and the men of Creel Springs were standing on the lawn calling, "MISSUS OCTAVIA! WE WANT A WORD WITH YOU!"

Octavia peeked out the dormer window and saw the usual suspects, Feeney and Linda MacTavish, Tiernan and Sorcha Brighid, Homlette and Ophilia d'Marhk, Trei and Coleene Metsker, the boys, all the merchants from Creel Springs. "Guys!" she called out the window, but there's nothing that can quiet down Feeney MacTavish when he's on a roll. "I'll be right down!"

She didn't want to wake granny who was sleeping on a cot in the future nursery, but Granny was up, she had tea made and her bag packed. Octavia pulled her robe around her and stepped out on the porch with Gaspode and her wizards staff Virga. "What do we want Feeney?" Octavia sighed.

"We heard you are going out for Nick today," said Linda, Feeney's wife. "We want to go with."

"No."

"WHY NOT?" demanded Feeney.

"Because it's going to be very dangerous. I'm supposed to protect you, all of you, and I can't do that AND let you put yourselves into harm's way. Let me fight the battles, you take care of the home front."

"YOU'RE GOING TO LET THE LITTLE GUYS GO!" roared Feeney.

"What little guys?" asked Octavia who realized that according to Feeney, everyone is a little guy.

"THESE GUYS," and the crowd parted and standing in the pre-dawn gloom Octavia saw over a dozen dwarfs outfitted for battle and standing out front with her shield emblazoned with Octavia's favorite flower, the Poet's Daffodil, was Eryri Brawnkin. She had trimmed her beard short and was wearing eye makeup, but she was the same dwarf that Octavia shared tragedies with.

"Low queen Blodwen Rhysdottir wishes to send her best," said Eryri.

"But instead, she sent us!" called out a dwarf in the back causing the dozen or so dwarves to start laughing.

"We are all escapees from the Bear Mountain dig," said Eryri as she hugged Octavia, "we all have a reason to want justice on the hubward side of your mountain."

"I'm so sorry, I didn't know..." said Octavia, "I should have been there for you."

"Now we need to get going or you may suffer the same fate."

As the sun came up, Octavia's army assembled and headed to the turn wise side of Bear mountain, a remote and heavily wooded area that has seen scant exploration, not since the wars of the second age of man. Octavia led the way, she and Granny had scouted the route for a week, dropping octarine flares as they flew low over the forests {Granny's old broom wasn't able to gain much altitude, especially when compared to Octavia's sapient pearwood walking stick that now doubled as a flying broom} Octavia led The Bear Mountain Army of the Duchy of Wægn made up of a dozen dwarves, and a dozen blokes along with Shawn Ogg representing the kingdom, Bertie and Dexter as Octavia's protection, Granny as Octavia's trainer, and Gaspode representing dogs which made thirty.

The thirty {including Gaspode} made exceptional time because as they hiked, a road appeared before Octavia. Trees stepped aside and paving stones rose up through the soil to become a solid six foot wide roadbed then as they passed the trees leaned in and gave cover for their passage. The only time they had to halt for the road to construct itself was for the occasional bridge and here and there a side route was installed for future exploration, the first one ended at Horner's Lake where large blocks of ice were cut in the late winter for Lancre use, the rest further up the mountain led to beautiful mountain lakes or hot springs that Granny or Octavia found as they scouted the road last week.

The Turnwise side of the mountain was wilder, more difficult to travel than the widdershins side of the mountain which is why Octavia chose this side, she didn't expect scouts from Peregrine and Aegir Mining to be looking for them, and she was right. The road that appeared before them didn't seem to care about the rough countryside, stone bridges, tunnels, cuts, fills whatever it took to make the travel easy for the travelers appeared before them. Wonders of nature were revealed to the army, incredible waterfalls, glaciers, and amazingly in the distance they saw abandoned fortresses and castles from long forgotten races and civilizations poking up through the trees.

They crossed under Broken Heart Pass, a low pass through the Ramtops so remote it was only discovered a few decades ago but it was so steep that the road didn't go over the pass, it followed a mile long tunnel under the pass. The tunnel was clean and dry but as they emerged they found that the tunnel mouth was ancient. Broken Heart Pass wasn't recently discovered, it was recently rediscovered. They were on the downhill side of the pass and less and less of the road looked new. Granny nodded in appreciation, the girl was wiser than she expected, she wasn't expending energy on creating a new road, she was reclaiming an ancient existing road, but where is her power coming from?

Coming up to the last section as they descended toward the mine the road wove back and forth across the turnwise face of the mountain. At night while the army rested Octavia flew at tree top level through the pines to avoid notice from those on the ground to scout the situation at the Bear Mountain mine... dear gods, they now have a Clacks tower! The last reports she got from Alphie and Carl were that Peregrine and Aegir Mining were on the verge of financial collapse, this is a fully functioning operation, sacks of gemstones were set aside for grading, tons of coal were piled up in bins including the precious anthracite that Nick had spoken about. The "black diamonds" gleamed in the faint starlight, and she saw evidence that this coal wasn't being sent to Creel Springs or Lancre Town, it was being hauled to barges on the Gjorgiev river and being taken downriver to Pseudopolis or Ankh-Morpork.

She returned to the encampment and found Granny and Gaspode waiting for her, the rest of her army was gone. "Where did they go?" she asked, terrified that her help was gone.

"It started to rain so they moved deeper into the forest and found a cave," said Granny leading the way. They soon came to a cave entrance and deeper in they found the entire army reclining on stone furniture in a beautifully carved dwarven conference room.

"Duchess!" cried Eryri, "come see what we found!"

"Dwarf bread!" growled another dwarf happily, his beard and mustache covered with crumbs.

"That's got to be thousands of years old!" gasped Octavia.

The happy dwarf nodded and said, "Aye, and it's still good!"

"It was never good," muttered Dexter.

"Made with limestone," sniffed another dwarf, "Just like me dear old grannie used to make."

"Look at this," said an Ecksan Bloke and he showed Octavia a handful of small round balls of Dwarf Bread. "They call 'em combat cookies and battle biscuits. A pouch full of these and a sling and you can take out a pack of dingaroo before they know you're there."

"Do you have anyone with a sling?"

"Yess mum, we all carry a sling. Ya never know what's going to try to kill ya back in Ecksas."

"Ok, rest up!" called out Octavia, "tomorrow is one last march then we take back what is ours!" Her army was shocked, this is the first time they've heard Octavia speak since they left Creel Springs. "Is there a problem Bertie?"

"No, yer grace, we just though you wanted to stay and look for something, the dwarves say that this is Rkund Keep."

"Rkund...!" Octavia dropped to the smooth, polished rock floor of the keep and placed her hands flat on the cold stones and she searched, soon in her mind was a map of the underground warren that extended for many miles deep beneath them, and in the deepest, most hidden vault her prize awaited her. It's still here and Rifty Peregrine is nowhere near it. For the first time in weeks she smiled, there's no way that those bastards can win now. She's going to leave it right where it is, safe, secure, and far out of dwarven hands. "Time for that later Bertie," she stood and dusted off her robes. "First things first."

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It was the night of the new moon and Octavia's forces were ready to strike. Dwarven crossbowmen were in position and anytime a sentinel or guard was spotted there would be a twang of a crossbow firing and the pop of a gas filled crossbow bolt releasing its noxious party trick and another dwarf or two slumped to the ground.

Octavia wanted to find out why the intelligence reports they were getting suddenly stopped so she flew over to Alfie and Carl's office among the treetops. When it was first built their cabin was far back in the woods, now it's on the edge of the forest because Peregrine and Aegir Mining has been illegally stripping the land of trees since Nick was captured.

She slowed and landed behind Alfie and Carl's office, the wooden shed that they built months ago to monitor the dwarves. Quietly she crept up to the front door and found that the door had been locked with a huge padlock. "Alphie? Carl?"

"Is that you m' lady? We have Halldór in here, we think he's dying."

"Ok stand over by the door, I'm coming in." Alphie and Carl moved next to the door and waited for her to open the door, but instead they saw the gleam of a sword slice through the back wall and draw straight down like a hot knife through warm butter. Two more cuts were made silently and a door size section of the back wall silently lay down on the forest floor.

Alphie and Carl, or as Octavia thought, the skeletal remains of Alphia and Carl came out of the reeking cabin carrying the gruesomely injured Halldór Ditchfather in a blanket between them. The dwarves had locked them up with no food and very little water and left them to die. "Where's Marcasite?" asked Octavia.

"They killed him," gasped Halldór, "they chopped him to pieces."

"It was awful," groaned Carl. He pointed to an opening in the trees and said, "the shiny bits on the ground, that's all that's left of him."

They were soon surrounded by dwarves and blokes of the Bear Mountain Army of the Duchy of Wægn who fought hard against the shock and revulsion that overwhelmed them, how could dwarves or men do this to someone?

"Someone take them to granny then get back in place," whispered Octavia. "I need a couple of crossbowmen to cover me." Soon Octavia was flying silently through the mining camp holding Gaspode tightly. Occasionally a crossbow bolt would fly past her and strike a building or piece of equipment and go off showering a hidden sentry with magically enhanced Doctor Skidwell's Magic Sleep Potion. She landed at the clacks tower and rapped her knuckles on the counter and cleared her throat.

"I got a few messages that need to be sent now," said Gaspode. The goblin at the clacks handles turned and saw what appeared to be a masked musketeer holding a dog standing at his counter. He sent a quick BRB to his friend and smiled.

"How can I help you?"

"I have three messages that need to go ASAP," growled Gaspode.

"As you can see, I'm already sending..."

"You're shooting the shit with your buddy in Daft Cattle down in the grand Duchy of Louikki. These messages are Priority Apex from the court wizard of the King of Lancre."

"I answer to Mister Rifty Peregrine of the Peregrine and Aegir Mining..."

"You could be answering to King Verance's buddy Mister Morose of the slice 'em and dice 'em school of interrogation if you don't send these messages," said Octavia. Her voice was low, firm, and impossible not to obey. Gaspode had to fight an urge to start sending the messages himself.

The goblin's attitude changed quickly. Mr. Morose has a reputation that is known far and wide. "Let me see those messages... first one to Duke Samuel Vimes copied to Commander Carrot Ironfounderson, Agent Marcasite murdered, Agent Ditchfather critically wounded, search for suspects underway, that one is good... next one to... Blodwen Rhysdottir... Peregrine and Aegir Mining... violation of contract... all assets seized... company officers wanted in connection... human trafficing ... trafficking is spelled with a K... that one is good... last message... to King Verance of Lancre... search for missing duke... battle starts now."

"Could you tell me when that last one gets sent?" asked Octavia. "The timing is terribly important."

"Ok... this second message is a long one... just about there..." the clacks shutters banged and flashed their messages as the sun started to peer above the far horizon. "It has been sent!" proudly announced the goblin.

As Octavia drew her musket and fired a flare into the air signifying the battle of Bear Mountain has begun, she set Gaspode on the counter. "Thank you," said Gaspode, "Now shut it down, this station is now property of the Duchy of Wægn.

"This station is here by contract with the Peregrine and Aegir Mining company," said the goblin firmly standing on his stool, hands on hips, totally oblivious to the sounds of battle now filling the air.

"That contract is cancelled," said Gaspode, "you may want to find a place to hide." Gaspode jumped off the countertop and disappeared into the pre-dawn gloom as the sounds of battle started to fill the air.

The battle at the mouth of the mine was fast and furious, the human slingers from Four Ecks fired volley after volley of Dwarf Bread Combat Cookies and Battle Biscuits into the dwarves trying to defend the entrance of the mine, knocking the dwarves over like bowling pins. Dwarves were piled up by the side of the coal storage bin and many more that were knocked out by the sleeping gas equipped crossbow bolts and were being dragged into a pile.

Finally, Octavia stood in front of the sealed mine entrance and used the voice she used in the throne room when she revealed the army's recruitment tactics. "Send out Rifty Peregrine now!" Her words boomed and rattled through the mine penetrating its deepest shafts, all who heard put their tools down and listened for the outcome.

Behind the closed door on the mine entrance Octavia could hear laughter then, "Why don't you come in and get him princess?"

Octavia pointed to her crossbow dwarves then held up 2 fingers indicating she wanted 2 shots fired into the mine. When the crossbows were cocked and loaded she drew her rapier and held it in front of her, soon it began to glow, first red, then orange, then yellow. Once it was at the color she wanted Octavia stepped up to the metal door over the mine entrance and sliced it open like it was made of warm butter. The dwarves inside the mine tried to hold the door in place but it fell outward and when that happened the crossbows fired.

In moments the outer mine entrance was devoid of conscious dwarves and the blokes and dwarves of the Bear Mountain Army of the Duchy of Wægn dragged the unconscious dwarves out of the mine and tied their wrists and laid them out alongside the road between the mine entrance and the river dock. Tied up at the dock was an empty collier, a barge used to haul coal. As they hauled the unconscious dwarves out, Granny Weatherwax moved among the tied dwarves making sure they could breath and that their wrist restraints were not too tight. "What is she doing here?" Eryri asked Octavia.

"She's my conscience," sighed the lonely duchess. "She's here so I don't kill every one of these greedy pickaxe lickers." She looked about her, so many people were here because of her and she's so lonely that she wanted to cry. Ever since that day she watched Nick fall from the sky she's felt horribly alone. She can't have this baby by herself, she just can't do it...

"We found him your grace!" cried a dwarf and immediately Octavia snapped out of her morose musing and thought the dwarf was referring to Nick, but two blokes dragged a struggling Rifty Peregrine out of the mine. Another dwarf gave Octavia a scrap of paper, and she thanked him with a hug before turning to Rifty. "Mister Peregrine, we have thirty five of your people above ground they're either unconscious or tied up, and in the mine we have twenty six unconscious, that's fifty one. How many more do you have here?"

Rifty glared at her, his eye was starting to swell. "It look like you may have fallen down at some point, I hope that swelling doesn't become a liability to the way you answer our questions." Rifty simply glared at her.

"Let's play another game. This is my friend Eryri Brawnkin, her husband is Lars Ericson, and her son is Eric Larson. You told Eryri that you had Eric and Lars and were holding them securely until she helped catch an eagle for you, which she did. Here is our question, you got your eagle, where is Eric and Lars?"

Rifty looked very nervous, he was sweating profusely. "They're... they're safe and waiting for her at Schmaltzburg."

"That, I'm afraid, is the wrong answer," Octavia's voice was an angry growl and she continued, "Rifty, the correct answer was they died in a tunnel collapse in the Glory Pit. Eryri, he's all yours."

With a shriek of anger Eryri began punching, kicking, and hitting Rifty. Her cries of sorrow and longing echoed through the mountain valley as did the sound of fist hitting flesh and boot hitting ribs. "He may not live," said Granny.

"I promised her five minutes, let her have them... this is dwarven law."

"I'm not saying that he doesn't deserve it, but if she kills him, you have no way to find your husband."

"I can heal him back up so she can start kicking him again," said the duchess without a trace of emotion in her voice. The look that Octavia gave Granny let the witch know that she would heal him just to injure him over and over until her anger finally vented out. Granny realized that Octavia was angry enough to cause the dwarf enough torment to have him begging for death.

"What are you looking at?" shrieked Eryri at Rifty, "Look at me while I'm trying to kill you!"

Octavia turned around and saw that Rifty kept looking over to the river. The worn old collier was tied up along shore waiting for its next load and Octavia noticed another barge slowly working upriver, and it appeared to be covered with dwarves in battle armor. "Folks!" Octavia called, "We got company!"

As the barge pulled up alongside the collier, the watch on the collier decided to get out of the sun as the disc's sleepy little sun rose higher in the late summer sky. The watch, Rednar Royson, a wizen old dwarf, veteran of dozens of skirmishes with other dwarven clans, and also trolls, gnolls, goblins, banshees, and werewolves. Keeping an eye on an empty old barge was easy money and he was glad for the rest. Waving to the bargemaster of the dwarf covered barge, Rednar went down to the hold where he had a third of a nearly acceptable cigar hidden in the ribs of the hold.

Rednar chuckled, the human bargemaster of the old collier did not allow smoking on his old barge at any time. Foolish human, scoffed Rednar as he sank his teeth into the soggy stub of his cigar. It's coal! It's not like it's going to catch fire, coal takes a good hot flame to get its own combustion started. Rednar patted his pockets looking for his box of matches. His eyes burned from the ultra-fine coal dust floating in the air down here in the hold of this old barge, soon as he finds a match he can get this stub lit and head up on deck and go sit in the shade of a tree.

"HERE, USE ONE OF MINE," said a voice that was ancient when the universe was young. A skeletal hand shook a box of strike anywhere matches.

"Hey thanks buddy, you're all right. I didn't catch your name."

"I PREFER TO BE CALLED INEVITABLE."

The dwarf lit the match with a flick of his thumbnail and in the flare of the match Rednar saw the grinning skeletal features of the anthropomorphic personification of death in the light. It didn't concern him however, because the free floating coal dust caught fire immediately and the blast blew the upper deck of the collier over fifty feet in the air. The bank of the river reflected the lateral blast wave back into the new barge that had just pulled up alongside the collier and the blast shoved the new barge out into the middle of the river scattering dwarves in heavy armor throughout the Gjorgiev river.

The dwarves that were below deck on the new barge scrambled up on the upper deck and started pulling their flailing buddies back onto the barge. Even though dwarves cannot swim this was a bad move because the upper deck of the old collier came roaring back down out of the sky end on and hit the new barge amidships and sliced it cleanly in half. At its deepest the Gjorgiev River is five feet, and it would have been comical except at their tallest a dwarf is four feet and they cannot swim, and most were in full combat armor.

"BLOKES!" shouted Octavia, "GO GET THEM!"

The men of Four Ecks lay down their arms, raced to the river, and began plucking drowning dwarves out of the deeper water. The dwarf contingent of Octavia's army began hustling the rescued dwarves into the mine where they could change into dry miners coveralls. Soon sixty of the seventy five dwarves were rescued, ten drowned, and five were last seen clinging to scraps of lumber being swept downstream.

"My turn," said Octavia as she approached Rifty. The dwarf struggled against his ropes but he wasn't going anywhere. "Where is my husband?"

"I don't know."

Octavia placed the butt of her staff, Virga, on Rifty's stomach, there was a snap of magical discharge and Rifty shrieked in agony. "I'll ask again," said Octavia as Rifty's cries of torment abated, "Where is the father of my child?"

Rifty made a huge mistake and scoffed then said, "How can we be sure that the duke IS the father of..." Octavia place the butt of Virga on Rifty's testicles and gave him another shock. Rifty's screams of pain echoed off the mountain and rang in the ears of everyone in the area. Even in the deepest depths of the mine he could be heard. Above ground everyone that possessed testicles winced in sympathy of Rifty's agony, and Eryri noticed that of the thirty five dwarves above ground, ten didn't react. She planned to have a chat with her sisters later.

Octavia straightened and said cheerily, "there, all the damage I caused is healed, you're as good as new, you may have to go through puberty again but you're healed."

"The... the pain..." gasped Rifty though another wave of nausea inducing pain.

"Oh, I didn't take the pain away, I left it as a reminder, when someone asks a question it's less painful to answer it politely. Now, shall we try that again?" She placed the but end of her staff over his heart. "Where is my husband?"

"F-f-fuck you." There was a snap and blinding pain and through the worst agony Rifty could imagine, he saw a skeletal figure in black robes sitting on a tree stump sipping on a hot cup of tea. "Are you here to collect me?" he asked.

"OH NO, I'M HERE TO SEE A MASTER AT WORK. SHE IS QUITE INCREDIBLE."

"Incredible?"

"SHE WILL BRING YOU HERE TO THE EDGE AND SNATCH YOU BACK OVER AND OVER..." Death sighed in admiration, "I NEVER TIRE OF WATCHING."

Rifty was still screaming in pain when he recovered consciousness, "I don't know, I swear, I don't know..." with that he started to cry.

"Maybe you just forgot," said Octavia, her voice was neutral, devoid of any emotions. With a gesture of her hand the mine entrance suddenly sealed closed, in a moment it was healed over and any hint of mining activity was gone. "If it comes to mind I might remember how to release your people."

"You can't! There's almost two hundred..."

"Two hundred?" shrieked Octavia, "Your contract allowed thirty." She pointed to the dwarves that were tied up, "There's sixty five, you made a profit."

"You can't!" gasped Rifty, but Octavia wasn't listening to him, she clung to her staff with both hands, knuckles white from the grip that she used, her eyes closed and she was muttering silently, calling out to Nick wherever he was, "I'm coming for you darling."

Deep beneath the mountain something moved, rock began to be displaced as the object rose and began to move upwards. The mountain stopped fighting against it and moved out of its way as it rose, faster and faster. Solid rock pulling aside to let the detested orb go past and with an explosion of dust and rock fragments the sphere came into light for the first time in over a thousand years. Now it flew inexorably toward Octavia, nothing standing in its way. Several unfortunate trees were shattered into shards as the sphere hit them at the ten foot mark, sheering off the upper thirty feet until it gently came to rest in Octavia's outstretched hand.

"This is what you were looking for, but it was miles away on the turnwise end of the prominence in the Rkund Hold." Octavia began to examine the Eye of Knute, it was fascinating, it was like an eyeball made of onyx for the iris, lapis lazuli for the pupil, and ivory for the body of the eyeball. It floated and turned freely inside a sphere made of the purest crystal. She felt the power in the Eye of Knute as it looked around, trying to determine where it was.

"That's what this whole blue was about?" asked Bruce Kendall, unelected leader of the blokes from 'Way Over' as the natives like to call Four Ecks.

"This is supposed to give magical powers to the dwarves, but it doesn't work for them," Octavia handed the Eye of Knute to Eryri who turned it over and over in her hands but nothing happened. She shrugged and handed it back.

"It's pretty, maybe Horatio would have liked it."

"Who is Horatio?" asked Octavia.

"He's the young wizard Mr. Peregrine hired," said Eryri as she pointed toward Rifty.

Octavia pointed the Eye of Knute at Rifty and concentrated on the name Horatio and soon the Eye of Knute began ripping the memories out of Rifty's psyche. "A butt nugget? You SOLD my husband to a student wizard?" Octavia screamed at Rifty.

"He told me he graduated," said Rifty.

"You bastard," hissed Octavia as she placed the Eye of Knute to the top of her staff. "How does that feel?"

"I like it!" said Virga silently. "I can see!"

"Show him," said Octavia, "show him what he did to Eryri and me," and she lowered her staff and gently tapped Rifty's head with the Eye of Knute. Immediately Rifty curled up in agony, shivering, weeping, and muttering "I'm sorry," over and over.

Granny was shocked at the sudden change in Rifty Peregrine, he was weeping inconsolably and wouldn't let anyone near him. "What did you do to him?" demanded Granny. Her voice was a hiss that anyone in the Ramtops took as a dire warning, but Octavia didn't seem to care.

"I gave him the agony that he's put Eryri and I through," said Octavia as she tightened her grip on her staff. "Let's go look for Horatio Tinsmith," and Virga started to rise taking Octavia with her.

Oh no, this was worse than expected, Granny said to herself. She hopped on her broom but it had stalled and she was left hovering motionless about three feet off the ground. "Can somebody give me a push?"

Three of the blokes came and gave Granny a push and even with the lecture on where to place their hands, the blokes got her started and soon she was gaining altitude and catching up to Octavia. "Where are you going?" demanded Granny as she pulled up to Octavia.

"My tower."

Granny's worst fears were proven correct, an Enchantress is not a female wizard, an enchantress is a source of magic, a Sourcerer. {Wizards and witches use the magic that exists on the disc to perform spells, but a Sourcerer is a source of magic, there is nearly nothing she can't do, which explains her sudden expertise in a kitchen where the stove was never lit and cleaning laundry without using things like laundry soap, water, and a washboard}

Octavia ignored granny all the way up to the peak of Bear mountain where they landed on Octavia's little round wall that Nick could not get near. "What is this?" demanded Granny.

"This is my tower," said Octavia. Her voice was different, it was self-assured, strong, commanding... well, her voice always was those things except around Nick there was a delightful lilt of love mixed in, but now her voice was much more self-assured, strong, and commanding than normal. Octavia was planning to escalate this skirmish to a shooting war.

"You know what towers are for don't you?" demanded Granny. In the history of magical life on the disc towers were always for wars. The last remaining Sourcerer's tower on the disc is the Tower of Art on the campus of the Unseen University, but this! An entire mountain is her sourcerers tower, there's almost no place on the disc she couldn't attack from here.

"They're for being up high so I can find my husband," said Octavia as she stood Virga on the ground. Virga wandered around a little bit then found a hole cut in the stone floor and set herself in it nice and snug and began looking. The Eye of Knute began sweeping side to side and now Virga could see the entire discworld from here except the portions blocked by Cori Celesti, the ten mile high mountain where the gods lived. "Let's find the Unseen University," said Octavia.

Granny grasped the staff; she had planned to yank it out of the hole it was set in and throw it down the mountain but suddenly she could see what Virga and Octavia could see. She saw an empty lot that once contained a building, maybe two, but Octavia was looking at this lot fondly. Is this where children played their child's games? "Why are we looking at an empty lot?"

"That's where Nick and I met," said Octavia as she sniffed away tears of nostalgia. She looked at the lot that once contained a fire brigade and Nick emptied that lot of every single brick that was part of the wrecked building. She remembered sitting and watching him work so hard, not knowing the intellect that was hiding under than undisciplined mop of hair of his... before she started crying the scene shifted to a library where an ape was teaching a young girl to read Klatchian. "That's my dad and me in the library..."

"How long ago was this?"

"This is happening right now." Granny was confused but she remained silent and stored that question for later. The scene changed to a spacious office filled with hunting and fishing trophies.

"Here's the archchancellor." Mustrum Ridcully had a tiny hook in a small vice and was tying bits of fur and feathers to it to resemble well known discworld insects, "Mustrum!" she called. "It's me, Façade. I am looking for a student named Horacio Tinsmith."

"Tinsmith you say?" said Ridcully, "what did he do now?" Without looking up or waiting for an answer Ridcully shouted, "BURSAR!" When a tiny, nervous little wizard entered his office, Ridcully demanded, "Find me everything we have on Horacio Tinsmith." Then without looking up he said, "Be right with you Mr. Incognito."

"He knows you?" asked Granny.

"Oh yes, he was there when we were knighted, he was right behind you."

"But he doesn't seem to notice you're not there."

"In my position dear lady, you speak with quite a few individuals who are not all here. Most of them are faculty." Ridcully gave a few harumph types of laughs then the bursar came in and handed Ridcully a folder. "Ah yes, Horatio Tinsmith... difficult lad... we had him here two years ago, didn't finish his first semester." After a few harumphs he handed the folder back to the bursar.

"What happened?"

"He... he had discipline problems. It appears that he attempted to use wizarding to influence local politics. The patrician expelled him from the city of Ankh-Morpork wearing naught but feathers and a bit of tar. He is currently a student at Brazeneck College."

"Thank you Ridcully." The scene changed at dizzying speed and they were looking at Brazeneck College in Pseudopolis from above. As Octavia and Virga searched the college grounds, the mountain seemed to be getting taller, the stone wall they were standing behind was rising with them. Granny let go of Octavia's staff and realized that they were indeed going higher, the mountain was extending them upwards.

Down in the river valley Octavia's Army looked up and saw a red sphere engulfing the mountain top, from the tree line to far beyond the peak. "What is that?" Bruce asked Eryri.

"I think Octavia is angry."

The sphere began to change colors, from red, to orange, to yellow, then white. That's when the ground began to shake and a shrieking bellow filled the air, then with a roar the ball leapt into the air rising higher and higher, then it shot off hubwards by widdershins followed by a crack of thunder.

"What the hell is that Sheila doing?" asked Bruce.

"I think she just took a shot at Pseudopolis."

In the quad of Brazeneck College of Wizardry and the ground began to shake, students crossing from class to class looked up, it was just the start of semester and this is happening already? In the sky a white streak came at them from the Ramtops. As it sailed to them the students could see, far, far away atop a huge mountain a giant red ball was forming. The sky roared as the white ball descended aiming right at the college, growing closer and closer to the campus. Then with a silent explosion it hit the main gate to the college and covered it in some form of cement which covered the gate and flowed between the sections, oozed into the hinges and slithered under the gate, then the cement hardened so quickly a sickening crunch could be heard from the hinges. The gate was sealed, there was no way in or out of the school and a second ball was on its way. It was almost at the college when the thundering report from its launch could be heard.

This ball hit the head of the statue of Archchancellor Henry, the first {and current} archchancellor of Brazeneck College and drove the statue into the ground like a tent stake in muddy soil. All that remained of the statue above ground was the right arm of Archchancellor Henry that was holding a book to the heavens, now it looked it was carrying a pizza. {Future generations of student wizards would call this statue "An Ode to Extra Large Thin 'n Crispy" or "Pineapple Not Allowed"} As the students and faculty who saw that display of high end magic applauded, a voice was heard being emitted by every building. The audio response was perfect, wide frequency response, low distortion, and sound quality that would bring tears to the eyes of any audiophile. "Bring me Horacio Tinsmith!"

"Who?" asked the majority of the students. But the third year students knew him well. Braggart, drunkard, and suddenly he's got pockets full of money. Tinsmith was dragged out of his room where he was enjoying another drunken stupor and hauled by several underclassmen to the remnants of the statue of the Archchancellor. He was tied to the exposed arm of Archchancellor Henry's statue then his classmates backed away laughing and drinking expensive coffee from paper cups.

"Where is the eagle?"

Dazed and trying to come up with a wise-ass response that would get himself killed, Horacio shook his head and shrugged his shoulders and was about to say...

"DO NOT say "What Eagle?" Who did you sell the eagle to?" To punctuate the words that were threatening to puncture his ear drums the buildings shook, for a full minute after the voice stopped which impressed Horacio's fellow students.

"Whoa dude!"

"Somebody is pissed at you!"

"Uhhh... Agatean..."

"You sold a member of the Royal Court of Lancre to the Agatean Empire?"

This suddenly got very real, the underclassmen stopped hassling their classmate and started looking for a safe basement to hide in. "Yes?" said Horacio.

"How did you transport the eagle to Agatea?"

"L-Space," said Horacio. "They rebuilt their library in the throne room and..."

This time the shot from the mountain so far away was a beam that moved so fast they couldn't detect its speed. It wasn't moving at the speed of light, light is sloggy and slow on the disc, this was fast, almost instantaneous fast. It pierced the roof of the library and moved a shelf of books. And that was it. No thunder, no lightning, no pronouncement of doom or dire circumstances. A shelf of books was moved and cemented in place.

<><><><><>

Eryri and Octavia's army watched from the shore of the river in horror as the peak of the mountain grew like a collapsible telescope being extended, then the mountain waited, breathing nervously. Then a sphere of light starting at the extended peak grew larger and larger, engulfing the top of the mountain down to the tree line. A piercing shriek filled the air and the ground shook, then with an ear splitting roar the ball of light flew off into the distance, shrieking and rending the atmosphere as it soared, arching down and landing they knew not where.

"What was that?" gasped a Bruce.

Before they recovered from the marvel the ground began shaking again, and again a loud, shrieking banshee wail filled the air. The assembled crowd at the base of the mountain looked up and saw the mountain was covered with a white-hot ball of light down to the tree line and with an ear splitting roar the mountain released another tremendous blast and another sphere of light traveled off into the distance.

For a long moment the mountain was silent and all Eryri could wonder was, "What the hells is she doing up there?"

"It's gunna blow again!" cried one of the Ecksans, but this time the sphere only engulphed the top of the extended shaft, and with a shriek it was gone.

"What the hells is she doing?" Eryri finally shouted.

One of the Bruces looked up at her and said, "She's looking for her man."

Soon the entire Army of the Duchy of Wægn was chanting "'TAVIA! 'TAVIA! 'TAVIA!"

Up on the peak Granny was not impressed by the power exhibited by Octavia and her mountain redoubt, what she was impressed with was Octavia's display of self-control. She could have turned that whiny little drunk that sold her husband into a greasy stain on the quad, but what she left was a sniveling brat chained to the remnants of a statue. "What did that do?" asked Granny as she watched the final shot hit the library and she saw a bookshelf rotate ninety degrees and close off the end of an aisle.

"I closed off Brazeneck's access to L-Space," said Octavia but she was no longer worried about Pseudopolis. Brazeneck will figure out their problems eventually, but they're going to have to cut another gate through their wall somewhere else. The gate she cemented shut will never open again, and access to L-Space will need the approval of two master librarians and a Chief Master Librarian, good luck getting that. And they're going to have to consider long and hard before they erect another statue on that campus.

Now she's scanning the Agatean empire.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Axemir Stronginthehead was thrown to the ground in a simple yet at the same time lavish throne room. Red silk curtains hung on every wall, and all furnishings and fixtures were solid gold. The low ceilings were mirrors and the marble floor was polished to a mirror finish and it was dizzying to try to determine what was real and what was reflection. In the far corner was a huge and expansive library where several armed guards stood watch. Book theft must be at an all-time high.

To his left was a large perch which contained one Lancre Black Eagle. The Lancre Black is normally a very regal looking raptor, glossy plumage, sharp beak with a hook at the end, and always an intelligent look about it. This one looked scrawny and under nourished. One leg was chained to the perch, the other leg had a strange purple metal band on its ankle. As he watched the bird occasionally it would start gnawing on its leg, not the one with the chain, the leg with the purple band.

"Looks like we both come here to die, eh fellow?" said Axemir sadly.

"What are you?" came a disgusted child's voice.

Axemir slowly turned and saw a throne, a gold and red silk seat fashioned after a folding stool but much larger and more elaborate. Lounging on the throne was a young child dressed in pajamas. Next to the throne was a small skinny man wearing golden robes and a hat that looked like a golden board lying flat on his head with golden screens hanging down from all four sides of the board hanging down to shoulder length.

{The screens didn't accomplish much, but they looked quite... to be honest, they looked stupid, but the Emperor designed it when he was six. The skinny man, Prime Minister Lung Mist was a pragmatic man and he realized that it's best to wear a stupid hat and look stupid than to not have a head to set the hat on and look... shorter}

"I am a dwarf," said Axemir.

"There's no such thing as dwarves," said the child.

"I get that a lot," replied Axemir.

"Dwarves come from fairytales. That shall be your name, Fairy Tale." The child laughed at his own wit. "Speak your name dwarf... while you still have a tongue to speak with."

"Fairy Tale, sire."

"Do you like dragons?" asked the child on the throne.

"I find them entertaining," said Axemir. He was thinking of the swamp dragons that flutter about the Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons in Ankh-Morpork. Even the way they occasionally explode was entertaining.

{Swamp dragons also known as Common dragons which grow to two feet in length and have a wingspan anywhere from four inches to four feet as some species have purely ornamental wings. The primary cause of death for a swamp dragon was SOD, Sudden Onset Detonation, giving a whole new meaning to the term "SOD me." Agatean Dragons, when they existed, were an entirely different breed of animal}

"And what do you think of my dragon?" asked the child emperor pointing at the eagle.

Axemir looked at the eagle who looked back at him. He saw the golden left eye and the tuft of feathers that looked like a silver key and remembered the stories he heard from other dwarves of the duke that could spy on them as an eagle... the golden eyed duke he was to have assassinated. "You have an amazing dragon, your eminence."

"Very well, I shall add you to my menagerie and you shall teach my dragon how to return to his original shape. As you can see, my dragon thinks that he's a bird."

The eagle and the dwarf looked at each other for a long moment then Axemir said "I would be honored, sire."

"And what do dwarves eat?" asked the emperor.

"Our needs are simple, your highness. We can survive quite well on Shekim."

For several days Axemir tried to befriend the eagle, and while he could eat himself senseless on the dwarven nirvana Shekim, the despondent eagle refused to eat. "Please sire!" pleaded Axemir, holding a piece of raw rabbit to the eagle's beak. "The duchess, I know she's looking for you, I can feel it."

And the odd thing about it was that he could feel it, several times a day he felt a wave pass over him, the feeling of a frustrated searcher danced at the edges of his senses. And he knew the duke felt it too, whenever the feeling passed over him the eagle began biting at its leg, not the leg with the chain, but the leg with the purple band. It didn't make any sense to Axemir, why would the eagle try to bite off that leg and not the leg with the chain?

"How is my dragon today?" asked the emperor.

"I found a way to get him to eat," said Axemir. "I hold a spoonful of Shekim to his nose and when he opens his mouth in revulsion I put some meat in his beak."

"Does he spit it out?"

"No, I don't think eagles I mean dragons, I don't think dragons spit."

<><><><><>

As the search of the Agatean Empire wore on, Octavia became more and more frustrated. Granny tried to distract her with talk of "headology" which was far superior to book learning which was filled with nonsense like jometery and stronomy and the like. "Now when you gave that Rifty dwarf your pain instead of the beating he deserved, that's good headology. He won't forget that and he may never heal from it."

"Granny, I intend to write down everything you've told me about headology so when we find Nick he can read it and you won't have to repeat yourself."

"Now that's the smartest thing you've said all week," huffed Granny.

"Writing it all down will make headology book learning. I'll make sure there's a copy in every witches cottage so the new young witches will learn it after you retire."

Granny thought about it then shook her head and sighed, "you're learnin' girl."

Octavia sagged to the floor, her knees drawn up, the back of her head thumping against the stone wall. "What am I doing wrong?"

"We'll find him girl..."

"I felt the baby kick today!" howled Octavia, "and he wasn't here to share it with me."

Granny now realized that these tears were tears of true sorrow, and that Octavia doesn't need a granny, she needs her daddy. She's heard all the stories of being raised by the librarian and of his book-learning, but also his orangutan wisdom, and she didn't believe much of it at all, but one bit of wisdom made a lot of sense to her. It was true headology. She pulled a Lancre Crimson Delight, the world's most perfect apple, from the sleeve of her dress and handed it to Octavia. "Have a banana, and then go back to worrying."

Octavia took a bite and it truly was the best apple she's ever eaten. Tart but with enough sweetness in the background to scream "Put me in a pie!" She chewed and her head was jumbled with a million thoughts. "What am I doing wrong?"

Ever the devil's advocate, Granny asked "What are you doing?"

"I'm using the Eye of Knute to find the most powerful magic user on the entire Agatean continent. There's not very many magic users left in Agatea, I guess there was a purge in the empire last year."

"Ok, can you tell it to find a Lancre black eagle?" asked Granny. "There may not be many, Lancre Blacks don't like foreign parts."

"Yes," sighed Octavia in frustration, "I found three, two were in rich people's estates, one was in the empirical throne room, none were magical."

"How many have a purple thingy on its leg?"

"Purple thingy on its leg..." Octavia almost laughed, purple thingy... what was Granny thinking of? "Oh shit," Octavia gasped.

"Young lady I DO NOT approve of obscene language!" Then she saw the look of You Reeka spread across Octavia's face and added, "in this case I may make an exception." {You Reeka was the name of the Klatchian philosopher that while trying to determine a method of measuring the volume of irregularly shaped objects, accidentally invented the bathtub}

"I forgot about the octainium band! It absorbs magical energy!" Without getting up she grasped the shaft of Virga as did Granny, and soon the throne room of the Agatean Empire came into view, and now the eagle came into focus, "Oh Gods!" Octavia wept, "He's trying to chew his leg off!"

"Another obscenity now would be permissible," said Granny.

<><><><><>

The day coach from the rail head at Hot Dang pulled up to Nick and Octavia's Bookstore and Sir Samuel Vimes and Commander Carrot Ironfounderson stepped off the coach, they had a murder and an assault on a couple of undercover officers to investigate. There was quite a crowd in front of the bookstore, a mix of men and dwarves, there was even a dog. The King and a Queen of Lancre was there adding to the uproar. {Actually, it appeared that the Queen was next door at the blacksmith's shop trying to make a horseshoe}

"Do you mind if I ask what is going on here, your majesty?" Sam asked King Verance.

"It appears that these men and dwarves have returned from the Bear Mountain mine site and we are trying to make sense of their stories."

"And Queen Magrat?" asked Sam.

King Verance looked over at Magrat as she hammered out a horseshoe. "It's her turn."

Carrot's wife, Angua stepped down from the coach and asked Carrot, "where do I start?"

Carrot looked overwhelmed but Sam said, "Start with the dog."

"Start with the dog. Right." Angua looked disgusted. "It's because I'm a werewolf, isn't it." She turned to the wire haired terrier that was sitting on a bench in the shade looking oddly sad and said, "Where were you on the night of Sektober the second?"

"I ain't got nothin' to say, not without my lawyer," and Gaspode hopped down and walked into the shop. The look of shock on Angua's face was one for the newspapers, unfortunately no one had an iconograph to capture the moment.

"You knew that would happen," spouted Angua, she pointed at Sam, "You put me up to that."

"That was the Duke of Wægn's best friend," grinned Sam around his cigar. "By the way, where is Nick?" The entire crowd went stonily silent and all stared at Sam and Carrot. "Where's the duchess?"

A broken hearted female dwarf looked up at Sam and said, "He's been kidnapped... an' it's all my fault!" and started weeping. She was soon surrounded by a group of rough and tumble Ecksans who tried to reassure her that she was used by a cad. As they tried to staunch the flow of her tears the ground started trembling and everyone looked hubwards. The air was rent with a horrible screaming, it was Octavia's warning siren.

"She's going to take a shot!" cried one of the Blokes from Ecksas as the ground started shaking.

A roar went up from the dwarves and soon the Bruces joined in the chant, "TAVIA! 'TAVIA! 'TAVIA!"

"I say, this is quite exciting!" said King Verance smiling for the first time in weeks. For her part Queen Magrat never looked up, she finally found a way to work out the anger and frustration and she swung her hammer with glee, often ruining her horseshoe but never dampening her spirits.

"What the hell?" gasped Sam. At the peak of Bear Mountain, a blazing white ball appeared then with a bark and a roar the ball shot across the sky racing rimward faster than the eye could trace it, a crack and roll of thunder followed its path across the sky.

"You shoulda seen the BIG ones," sighed Eryri.

"Gods I hate coming into a case this late," groaned Sam.

<><><><><>

Axemir was having a horrible day with the eagle, all it wanted to do was chew its leg off or stare sadly at the library. "I suppose if I don't get a dragon out of this eagle, I will cut both of your heads off, that should be worthy of entertainment," said Emperor Fu Ki.

"Your excellency, maybe if you allow me to remove this purple ring from his leg, maybe that's what is keeping him from changing," said Axemir, completely unaware of how utterly correct he was.

"No," said the spoiled young emperor. "I like the purple, it goes well with the red furnishings, don't you think?" He swept hands around the room acting like he designed the centuries old furnishings himself.

"Sire..."

"NO. The purple stays. If he can't figure out how to do it with the purple ring, I'll just get a different dragon."

"Sire please..."

"So shall it be written, so shall it be done!" The boy emperor crossed his arms and nodded his head for effect, then plopped down on his throne.

"Megalomaniac much?" Axemir muttered under his breath. Of course, the Prime Minister didn't say a word, his life was threatened twice already today, and he didn't want to know if the third time will be the charm. It was for the last Prime Minster.

"Nick." The voice came from everywhere and nowhere at once. Perfectly reproduced, the love and pain in the voice could not be mistaken. The eagle cried in response and the voice continued, "Nick darling, look up, raise your wings."

For the first time since he was shot down the eagle stood proud, he raised his wings high and cried out in his high pitched raptors voice. The sound rang through the throne room attracting attention from Emperor Fu Ki and Prime Minister Lung Mist, the emperor got up from his throne and moved closer, a grin of victory on his face, "Finally, my dragon is coming."

"Keep looking up honey, I'm sorry but..." A white hot flash of light burned its way through the thousand year old tile roof of the ancient palace, through the back of the exquisite ceiling mounted mirror and through the eagle's right leg.

<><><><><>

"Got it, come on Granny, we gotta go!" shouted Octavia feeling alive for the first time in a month.

"I can't, this broom doesn't start very well..."

"I'll tow you, come on!" Octavia mounted Virga like a witches broom and grabbed the shaft of Granny's broom and the four foot high wall slid down. "We'll go on three, ready? One!... Two!..." and suddenly they were plunging down the face of Bear Mountain, steam still rising from the plant life that had almost taken hold before Octavia started shooting. Granny's broom finally kicked in as the tree line came up to them and they found themselves racing down the mountain at tree top level, flying so fast the trees blurred into a blue/green carpet beneath them.

"What happened to three?" demanded Granny.

"Three! Sorry, I got a bit excited."

"The brakes on this broom were never any good."

"Then slow down, I'll catch you if you need help," and Octavia continued her headlong plunge down the face of Bear mountain. She flew faster and faster, a small crowd of people at her cottage waved to her as she shot overhead, less than a mile to go! She lowered down flying between the trees on either side of Nana's Driveway, it was like flying through a green tunnel.

"Clear away from the bookstore door, I'm coming in hot!"

"What was that?" demanded Sam Vimes.

"That was the duchess," said Eryri as she shoved the Duke of Ankh out of the way.

Sam shook his head, he hated being the only person who didn't know something.

The sound of a skid and a cloud of dust rose into the air, the crowd was showered with gravel as Octavia slid to a halt in front of the bookstore door. She pointed at Carrot and Angua, "Are you guys cops?" when they nodded Octavia said, "I need you and you, Bruce, Bruce, and Bruce, Eryri, and Gaspode, where are you Gaspode?"

"Waitin' on you momma," came from inside the store.

"Ok, you guys, let's go, oh, and can somebody catch Granny? Her brakes are shot."

<><><><><>

The eagle's leg was shot off! Axemir watched in slack jawed wonder as bolt of light sliced the eagle's leg clean off, in fact the leg and purple ring remained clutching the perch as the eagle pitched forward. It was off balance with its leg missing, it flapped its wings to adjust its direction of fall, then before it could fall it became a man who was starting to fall. But the image of a falling man lasted only for a blink of an eye and as the chain exploded off the man's left leg, he was replaced by a huge golden Agatean dragon.

Horrible in its glory, the Agatean dragon was over twenty meters long from its nose to the end of its writhing, sinuous tail. It's head resembled a lion with a permanent toothache, with foot long fangs, massive, powerful jaws, a short, muscular neck and a long, muscled body built for destruction. Its four legs were similar to a tiger's legs, thick and muscular, right at home with ripping something's throat out. Its wings began to unfold yet they remained close to its sides, and like its entire body the wings were metallic gold, glittering as they reflected the lamp and candlelight.

"My dragon!" cried the emperor and he ran forward but the emperor failed to take in account that the dragon was still falling and with a leg missing it wasn't going to be a pretty landing. Fortunately for the Agatean Empire, between the falling dragon and the marble floor was Emperor Fu Ki. He didn't do much to aid the dragon's landing, but the dragon's landing did quite a bit to aid the life of the average Agatean.

Fu ki looked at the dragon on the floor of his throne room with pride. "Cool dragon, huh?"

"ONE OF THE BEST THAT I'VE EVER SEEN."

"I hope I can keep him for my birthday, that would impress a lot of people!" said the boy emperor as Death cut the blue thread between the boy emperor and the goo that used to be his body.

"ACTUALLY, HIS APPEARANCE TODAY HAS IMPRESSED YOUR ENTIRE POPULATION."

The dragon gave one painful exhalation when his body hit the floor then his body shriveled and shrank and now he was just a man with blood pouring out of the stump of his leg. With a strangled shout Axemir grabbed a sash off of a curtain and a sword that was dropped by a soldier as they ran {they all remember what happened last time and ran appropriately} with these two pieces Axemir was able to apply a torniquet to the stump of Nick's severed leg and staunch the flow of blood. There were a few hangers-on in the gallery where once were almost a hundred advisors before Fu Ki had many of them executed for giving him advice he didn't want to hear.

Poor Prime Minister Lung Mist could barely understand what was happening, the shouting, tantrums, and demands were gone, peace began to settle over the throne room for the first time in over seventeen years {Fu Ki's father was a bit of an asshole also} Axemir and Lung Mist looked at each other in shock, their ears still ringing from previous tantrums. "What are you guys going to do?" asked Axemir, certain that cutting his head off was tops on the list.

"Umm... there is precedence over this," said Lung Mist, and he shuffled over to the library where he was almost run over by the crowd that followed Gaspode coming out of the library. Octavia dove for Nick who was lying face down in a pool of blood, Gaspode was licking his face trying to get him to wake up. Angua stepped out of the library and the scent of blood stirred the bloodlust in her body.

"My gods, all that blood, how is he still alive?" gasped Carrot.

Angua sniffed, "it's mostly someone else, Agatean, young, eight, possibly nine years old, O positive with an iron deficiency."

"He would never eat his vegetables," said Lung Mist.

Meanwhile Octavia was examining Nick's body, he was in shock, lost some blood, severely malnourished, "Who put this torniquet on him?" she called.

"I did," said Axemir.

"You did a great job! Thank you so much! Can you get me that talon off of the perch?" Axemir looked and saw that the talon was still clutching the perch, still wearing the purple ring. He pulled it off the perch and extended it to Octavia. "Thanks, but keep that purple ring, don't let it touch me or Nick... thank you."

Young Agatean men and women soon arrived with towels and hot water and began cleaning up Nick and the pool of blood. They rolled Nick over and one of the Bruces gasped, "What is that stuff on him?"

"That would be the former emperor," said Lung Mist.

Axemir, his clothes soaked with Nick's blood found a quiet corner to sit in and watch the frantic activity around Nick. Axemir prayed that Nick would survive, but if he didn't Axemir found he was too tired to fight the inevitable. If they want his head, they can take it. With shaking hands, he pulled out his tobacco pouch but his hands were shaking too much to roll one up.

Taking pity because she wasn't far from his condition herself, Eryri sat down next to Axemir and took his tobacco pouch and rolled a perfect stogie, which she put in her own mouth and rolled one for him. They shared a match and watched as Octavia moved away from Nick's leg showing that there was a foot at the end of both legs now. She curled up next to him whispering "we're together, it's over," and soon Nick showed signs of returning to consciousness.

"What happened here?" asked Eryri.

"The usual," said Axemir, "I get dragged into the throne room to be sentenced to death, instead I get put in charge of a pet bird that turns into a dragon that crushes the emperor then turns into the man I was supposed to have killed."

"I hate when that happens," said Eryri.

"My boss sent me to the assassins guild to put out a contract on them, but it cost too much, we couldn't afford either one and they demanded the contract contain both," said Axemir pointing at Octavia and Nick.

"Guild overhead," said Eryri.

"What about you?"

"I was nabbed by some dull pick {a truly vile dwarf insult} who said he had my husband and son and said he'd return them if I shot an eagle out of the sky," said Eryri as she pointed to Nick, who was now talking weakly with Octavia.

"What happened?"

"I brought him down. Third shot but I got him. He came down an eagle and stayed an eagle till now."

"What happened with your family?"

"Turns out he didn't have them, they died at a shaft collapse in the Glory Pit."

"Oh, gods I'm sorry, I was there not long after the collapse, it was awful... Gods! A move like that? It sounds like that night soil bucket Rifty Peregrine."

"That's who it was. I shoot the duke out of the sky and end up best buddies with his wife, who woulda thought?"

As Nick flickered to full consciousness he smiled up at Octavia, "Ye gods lady, we have to stop meeting like this!"

"You dick," she chuckled, "We got to get you cleaned up, you got blood everywhere still."

Just then Lung Mist arrived with a clip board and a quill and said, "If you could just sign here, please? Just a formality."

Nick and Octavia looked at the document and it looked like a chicken had walked through some spilled ink and danced on the page. They both shrugged and Nick signed and then he asked, "What did I just sign for?"

"The empire."

"WHAT?"

"It's just a formality, you killed the former emperor, you are now the new emperor. It's the rules, signing just makes it look official."

Nick looked up at Octavia, his eyes still swimming from loss of blood, "Empress Enchantress. The title looks good on you."

"Know what else looks good on me?" whispered Octavia.

"What?"

Octavia leaned over and whispered in his ear, "your cum."

"Oh my!" gasped Lung mist who had heard everything.

Nick gestured Lung Mist and another advisor Lǎo de Luózi in close, "Lung Mist, you are my prime minister, if anything happens to you I'll bring the dragon back, let everybody know that. Your first priority is ending this famine. Don't argue with me, I sat right there on that perch listening to everything that was said in this room. I know how much wheat and rice is in storage. If anyone has a problem with that they can speak to the dragon."

As the Bruces lifted Nick and carried him toward the library, Octavia, with the help of Carrot and Angua led the way. "We better go," said Eryri, but Axemir couldn't get up. A returning Agatean guard came over and helped him to his feet, then pulled off the gold face mask and Axemir recognized that face, or at least didn't recognize that face. It was a face that could hide in any crowd, a face so plain and average that it could never be picked out of a line-up. "Surprise!" chuckled the guard.

"Look," groaned Axemir, "I am so tired, I can't run anymore. If you're going to do it then just do it."

"What? And inhume the dwarf that just saved the life of the emperor of the Agatean Empire? You're a hero! I just want you to know that I'm on your protection detail now, ta ta!" and he replaced his mask and disappeared into the crowd of returning guards.

As they followed the Bruces into the stacks Eryri asked Axemir, "You looking for work?"

"I guess I am now, from what Carrot said, my whole company Peregrine and Aegir Mining is in prison."

"I'm running one of their mines for the Duke and Duchess, small mine, 30 dwarves tops, right now I have a dozen, we've all been screwed over by Peregrine and Aegir."

"Yeah," grinned Axemir, "count me in."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Octavia should be having the best sleep of her life, it's been so long since she lay next to Nick and the baby was dancing up a storm, he would love to feel this but he was so weak! She keeps waking up to check his pulse. It's there, but it's weak. Damn it!

She got up and pulled on a robe then went downstairs and out the back to pee in the moonlight mostly for something to do. Gods! does she miss indoor plumbing. She experienced that in many of the foster homes she lived in as a child. She mentioned it once to Nick who laughed so hard he almost threw up. She never did ask him what he had pictured in his mind when she mentioned how nice it was to poop indoors. She's going to have to ask Nana peacock how this is overcome in the winter.

Climbing back up into their bedroom she saw a figure in black robes sitting in her rocking chair reading a book in the moonlight. "You almost scared the life out of me!" she almost screamed.

"THAT WAS NOT MY INTENTION."

"Then what are you here for, who are you here for?"

"I HAVE A QUESTION THAT I HOPE YOU CAN HELP ANSWER."

Octavia climbed in bed with Nick and pulled the cover up. She knew that Death was an anthropomorphic personification of the concept of death, but it still felt weird to be naked in front of him. "What's your question?"

"WHEN YOU REMOVED NICK'S LEG HE STARTED TO FALL FORWARD, BUT HE FLAPPED HIS WINGS TO ADJUST HIS ANGLE SO THAT WHEN HE BECAME THE DRAGON HE WOULD LAND ON FU KI. THE DEATH OF FU KI SAVED COUNTLESS MILLIONS OF LIVES BY ENDING DECADES OF NEEDLESS FAMINE AND HE SAVED ME A LOT OF WORK."

"What is your question?"

"DID HE KNOW HE WAS GOING TO LAND ON FU KI?"

Octavia had heard that the rulers of the Agatean Empire used famine as a way to keep the masses cowed and politically ignorant, millions of people were dying intentionally, killed by their own government just to keep them scared. She took a deep breath and answered. "If he said yes he would admit to murdering one insane, poorly raised boy. If he said no he would be admitting that he almost let millions of people die because he refused to kill one underage madman, so he would never answer that question and I will never let anyone ask him."

"THAT IS WHY I ASKED YOU AND NOT HIM ."

Octavia looked at Nick and sighed, then she slowly nodded her head and whispered, "He knew."

"Who are you talking to dear?" mumbled Nick.

"I was just having a near death experience, now go back to sleep."

"ACTUALLY, I WAS HAVING A NEAR OCTAVIA EXPERIENCE."

"Tell him that joke is getting old," mumbled Nick as he drifted back to sleep.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

EPILOGUE

Five year old Marlon Worblehat-Stein was busy with Gaspode bring in the sheep, his momma said it was going to snow tonight and Octavia is right more often than she's wrong about the weather, so the sheep must come in. With Octavia watching Gaspode, Marlon, and Hollie eventually got the sheep out of the pasture and moving toward the pen.

The back of the critter shed had a semi-enclosed sheep, horse, cow, goat pen that covered a large piece of level ground with lush green grass and a shed that stored quite a bit of hay. All of their livestock can survive in that pen with an octarine fence protecting the livestock from the wolves and protecting the wolves from Mr. Grumpy their mule. Mr. Grumpy was named by Marlon when Marlon was 3 when he saw the then unnamed mule launch a full grown bobcat halfway across the pond with a single kick. "Why did he kick the kitty mommy?"

"Well dear, he was grumpy."

Now Marlon has a bobcat pelt rug on his bedroom floor and Mr. Grumpy isn't bothered with too much Ramtop wildlife even though Octavia was referring to the bobcat when she said, "he was grumpy." The mule wasn't grumpy, it was terrified.

In addition to a mule and a dozen sheep, the Worblehat-Stein family had a large horse of mixed parentage, one cow, two goats, a varying number of chickens and ducks, several cats, one dog and three gargoyles, Gula, little Gula, and new little Gula.

As the autumn weather grew closer to winter, Gaspode was training Marlon and Hollie on penning the sheep. Gaspode has been doing this six years and is quite good at it, except when he tries to get the sheep to walk in a straight line, something he has never been able to accomplish, but five-year-old Marlon and his three-year-old sister Hollie need training. "MARLON!" shouted Gaspode, "I chase the sheep, YOU point out the strays... HOLLIE! You don't need to pet every sheep, just the dog!" He looked up at Octavia who was watching and trying not to laugh. "Your puppies will never learn."

"That's what they told me about you." Octavia gave her "brother-in-law" a pat on the head and said, "let's get the puppies in out of the rain."

The gentle rain had begun to turn into snowflakes by the time they got all twelve sheep into the pen. It was Hollie's job to count the sheep as they entered the pen and when they asked her the total, her answer was always, "Sheep."

"You are so lucky you're cute," muttered Gaspode as Marlon closed up the sheep pen. Marlon and Hollie both had the dark hair and dark eyes of their parents and both were beautiful children. Marlon had the wild hair and the strong jawline of his father, Hollie had the flowing hair and the same dimples in her cheeks that grace her mother when Octavia smiles, which, now that life has settled down, is often.

Originally both Nick and Octavia were worried about raising children because neither has any siblings that they know of and both grew up alone unless you count Gaspode who Nick spent most of his childhood with. Octavia's only steady parent was an orangutan, the rest only lasted a few months at a time, and Nick's only memory of his father was being left on the curb by him and that memory only returns when he's emotionally agitated. Most young women on the discworld, regardless of species, knew about children through helping to raise siblings, cousins, or neighbors through babysitting jobs, but Octavia never had a sibling, cousin or neighbor to "learn on" so as Marlon grew in Octavia's womb, their terror increased.

After Marlon was born their fears only intensified, what do they do with him? They had all the book learning about raising children they could ever want to know, being book lovers, they read everything they could find, but they're not raising a book, they're raising a baby. Practical knowledge of what to do after Nick cuts the umbilical cord, they had none. So shortly after Marlon was born they invited Uther and Desdemona Borsen over for dinner, along with their redheaded twins Lynet and Guendolen. Guendolen, the twin that almost died, was a delightful little spitfire and it was nearly impossible to tell her from her sister. "Weren't you scared raising her?" asked Octavia.

"Terrified!" said Uther. "I couldn't sleep nights I was worrying so much."

"For about three weeks," agreed Desdemona, "then we realized that they weren't going to break." She patted her growing tummy, "We're hoping our witch, which saved Guendolen, will bring the girls a little brother to play with this time."

Marlon was a wonderful child, the only problem they had with him was that he often cried at night when he slept with them. One dark, tiresome night Nick had an idea and Marlon became so quiet so fast that Octavia was terrified that in his exhaustion Nick rolled over on top of the baby. She turned to look and saw a large tabby cat with one golden eye curled around Marlon, purring gently and Marlon sleeping soundly. Later Octavia and Nick decided that their fear of rolling over on Marlon was what was terrifying their child, but just to be sure, cats became a steady part of the household.

With the sheep in the pen and huddled together in the rain and not under the roofed section of the pen, the outdoor chores were done. Just as they turned to head back to the cottage Gaspode stopped and sniffed the chilling air. "Dwarves," he muttered.

Marlon looked about then off in the distance, obscured by the gently falling snow, he saw two dwarves walking toward them, "Uncle Axe!" Hollie also noticed the two figures coming out of the snow and she took up the cry, "Auntie Ru-ree! Auntie Ru-ree!" and the two children sprinted up the mountain side, dashing through the wet leaves, running with their arms open for their gods parents.

Axemir and Eryri soon had their "niece and nephew" hanging on their arms chattering happily as they escorted the dwarves down the mountain. "Look Uncle Axe, I'm almost as tall as you!"

"You're going to be as tall as your dad soon!" said Eryri.

"Dad's not very tall."

"Then it won't take you very long," said Eryri. Axemir roared with laughter at his wife's joke as they kicked the snow off their boots and entered the Worblehat-Stein cottage.

The cottage was frigid so Octavia stacked several logs on the fireplace andiron then went to the kitchen to pump a kettle full of water. When she returned to the fireplace the fire was crackling merrily and heating the cottage nicely even though no one saw her strike a match or do anything else to start the fire. Axemir and Eryri were always fascinated to watch Octavia perform her kitchen miracles, but Marlon and Hollie grew up knowing that their mom often forgot to use matches to light the stove, and quite often never lit the stove, especially on hot summer afternoons, but dinner was always served piping hot.

When Nick finally arrived home from the bookstore he found Gaspode curled up on Eryri's lap, and Hollie sitting on Uncle Axe's lap while Marlon was in the kitchen helping his mom prepare dinner. "How is my second favorite patient?" said Nick as he knelt at Eryri's feet. She rolled up the hem of her blouse and Nick began examining her distended belly.

"She's ready to let you get to work!" huffed Eryri. Dwarves carry their infants for fourteen months and Eryri and Axemir were tired of waiting. This was their first child together and they came down from their home in Rkund Keep, {the dwarven underground palace above the Rkund Hold where the Eye of Knute was buried for centuries} to stay in Nick and Octavia's guest house where Nick can deliver their baby.

"Is Gula all right?" asked Axemir. "She keeps saying ache." After Axemir got to know the human couple that he tried to hire the Assassin's Guild to "inhume," they became fast friends and Axemir has been fascinated with Gula and her ability to fall in any direction.

"AIK! AIK!" cried Gula from her perch high up on the chimney, just below her were two small gargoyles, Little Gula and New Little Gula both learning how to fall in any direction. On rainy days when Marlon and Hollie were trapped inside they played "catch" with New Little Gula who was having a tough time learning to fall up. "AIK! AIK!" cried Gula again from her upside down perch near the top of the chimney.

"She's saying egg," said Octavia from the kitchen as she peeked around the corner of the fireplace.

"Egg?"

"Yeah," said Nick nodding. "After we discovered that Octavia was pregnant with Marlon, we found a round, polished rock, it was pretty so we put it in a box to save it. After Marlon was born we heard a rattling from the box so we took a peek inside and in there we found the rock was split open and a tiny gargoyle was in there."

"When I turned up pregnant with giggles," said Octavia pointing at Hollie {who giggled} "we found a round polished rock on the mantle and after Hollie was born, the rock was split open and there was New Little Gula."

"So what's with them?" asked Eryri as she pointed to the mantle over the fire place where two perfect round, polished rocks sat gleaming in the candle light.

"Say it ain't so," groaned Gaspode quietly.

"AIK! AIK!" cried Gula from above.

Nick got up to look at the two gargoyle eggs and Octavia came around from the kitchen and gave him a kiss, "I've been meaning to get you alone," she said as she placed his hand on her tummy. If she lives to be two hundred she will never forget the look of joy and wonder on Nick's face as he felt the two pinpoints of life in her womb.