- a celebration of -

Fifty Years of Pratchett

© 2023 Duleigh Lawrence-Townshend. All rights reserved. The author asserts the right to be identified as the author of this story for all portions not previously copyrighted by Terry Pratchett. This story or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the author except for the use of brief quotations in a review or commentary. If you see this story on any website other than Literotica.com, it has been copied without the author's permission.

Fifty years ago, a young British journalist published his first book, The Carpet People and the world was never the same; it became flat, round, and smelled of turtles. Ten years later in 1981 I was a member of the Science Fiction Book Club {how geeky is that?} and they sent me the new work of a little known (on this side of The Pond) British author named Terry Pratchett. The book, Strata, still has an honored location in my library, PTerry, as he was known in the infancy of the internet, a strange and mysterious realm named usenet, taught me several things in that book - people can build planets and sometimes they come out flat, Death is a cool dude, and The Broken Drum is an awesome pub {you can't beat it}.

Two years later it was followed by The Colour of Magic, and I was hooked. I out-geeked the other geeks at the weekly Dungeons & Dragons games by insisting that our world rest on the backs of four elephants who in turn were riding on the back of a giant turtle. In the third discworld novel, Equal Rites, PTerry explored what would happen if a girl became a wizard. In that book he mentions the existence of what he called an enchantress if just momentarily, and then he never mentioned the enchantress again. Top witch Granny Weatherwax describes enchantresses as "being no better than they should be," but all we know about enchantresses is that they are female magic users, but we don't know if they are witches, warlocks, or wizards. It's assumed that a witch wears more clothes than an enchantress.

Sadly, Sir Terry journeyed onward with Death before I could free up the time to help him with his exposition of the marvels of enchantresses, it's been eight years and I'm finally ready to help, but Sir Terry is nowhere to be found. So, I guess I will give it a go, and if he doesn't like it, I'm sure he'll find a way to let me know.

This is a work of love, a fan fiction written for the 2023 Geek Pride Event. Many of these characters are the creation of Sir Terry Pratchett, as is the multiverse in which they live. If you would like to find out which of these characters is or is not a creation of Terry please contact this author. This tale was not written to make money or steal the fame that Sir Terry rightfully earned, but to enjoy one more romp in the shadow of Cori Celesti and remind the world of what we lost on March 12, 2015.

"One day I'll be dead and THEN you'll all be sorry."

- (Terry Pratchett, 28 Nov 1992 on alt.fan.pratchett)

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ENCHANTRESS

A Tale of Discworld

{With parenthetical annotations}

Introduction

On a distant world, a world filled with poets, artisans, and scientists, a world filled with as much sensibility as ours, the watchers of the sky used powerful devices to search the heavens. These devices were powerful enough to probe galaxies trazillions {their unit of math, not mine} of anomalies distant {one anomaly is the distance light must travel before it becomes bored and changes to something else out of the utter monotony, henceforth the name}. One such device operator looked at his device, then rubbed all four of his eyes and looked again. He saw what is best described as a testudine, a reptile with a bony shell that covers its body, a turtle. This particular turtle appeared to have on its back as it swam through space. "Chief!" he called out to the shift supervisor, "You gotta see this!"

The shift supervisor stood from his desk, hitched up his trousers and sauntered over to the shocked observer and recited the universal managerial inquiry, "All right, whadeya got?"

The observer pointed to the object on the screen with a shaking pollex, "this!"

The shift supervisor bent over the observer's shoulders and squinted at the screen, then he took off his glasses {both pairs} rubbed his eyes {all four} and looked again. After a long, watery look the shift supervisor sighed as he slowly straightened up. Shaking his heads, he realized what he had just seen. He reached into his wallet and pulled out a monetary note of significant value and stuffed it in a gaily decorated can that advertised the need to collect funds for a baby shower gift for Brenda and Mark. He called out to the entire shift, "All right guys, you got me, I get it... I pitched in... now enough antics. Let's get back to work." Convinced that it was a joke to get him to donate to the office pool he handled the situation by the book. He looked at the operator and said, "Sid, send that image over to the theology department and let's get back to work people! We have a universe to map!"

Sid turned back to his monitor but the rend in the space/time continuum had rippled closed and the vision of the turtle was gone from sight. He shrugged and sent the saved image to the theology department and resumed mapping his section of the universe and the turtle was eventually forgotten. The supervisor sat down and made a note in his log... giant turtle. Last month it was a giant winged snake. Maybe his wife was right, maybe it was time to retire...

But had they tried... had they looked beyond the veil, or maybe the vale, or even the Vail, they would have seen her more clearly and they would have trembled in fear. Or they would have laughed it off, had a drink, fired Sid, erased the tapes, and rescanned the universe until they got the answer they wanted. Either way the turtle would remain.

Sadly, they were scanning the universe when they should have been scanning the multiverse.

Take a look into the multiverse and you will see what they missed, watch as she swims into view, Great A'Tuin, the Giant Star Turtle (Chelys galactica), massive and glorious, the Queen of the Interstellar Pathways. She swims through the multiverse following whatever migratory paths were written into her genome by the greatest prankster of all, The Creator. Her eyes, each the size of a sea, look forward to a destination known only to her. She possesses a brain the size of a continent that moves at a speed that makes glaciers look downright spry. Her immense flippers propel her through the nothingness that is open space with massive strokes that take generations to complete. Her carapace is frosted with frozen methane, scarred with meteor craters, and coated with the intergalactic dust of eons of travel.

On her back stand four tremendous elephants, Berilia, Tubul, Great T'Phon, and Jerakeen, the World Elephants (Elephantidae Kosmosea). Tail to tail they stand patiently watching the stars drift by as they bear the weight of the world on their shoulders... really, they do. This isn't a figurative exclamation; they're actually carrying the entire world on their shoulders. They wouldn't know a metaphor if one played Begin the Beguine using their trunk as a clarinet. The entire world and all who live there is their burden. Ten thousand miles in diameter the discworld rests on their backs, around the circumference of the disk is the eternal waterfall that is the Rimfall. At the center of the discworld is the hub, a mountain that stands ten miles in height, the name of the peak is Cori Celesti, which at the top is the palace complex named Dunmanifestin, the home of the Disc's many gods. Most of them are completely mad.

As impressive or as unimaginable as the turtle/elephant/discworld is, what is really impressive is what follows. Behind A'Tuin trails eight newly hatched space turtles, each one carrying four infant world elephant calves bearing up a small prehistoric discworld on their shoulders. Each proto-discworld is full of volcanoes, lava and early dinosaurs. Each tiny disc world was showing signs of growing their own hub mountain and soon their tiny hub mountains will begin to spawn their very own mad little gods. In some corners of the multiverse, it's the gods that create the planets, here it's the other way around.

Swimming through space in trail behind their mother, the baby star turtles are entirely cute and would look right at home in a plastic dish resting under a plastic palm tree, but soon they must head out on their own into the multiverse.

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Date: Third of Ick, Year of the Willing Locust

Time: 23:35 (two hours, twenty five minutes before midnight)

Location: Unseen University, Ankh-Morpork

It was a dark and stormy night because that's when the very best stories begin. Footsteps clattered through the dark and damp streets of Ankh-Morpork, the "Queen City" of the Discworld. {It's called the "Queen City" because the nearest queen, Queen Arschluk of Sto Helit, had been dead for weeks and they now smell the same.} Several blocks turnwise of the river Ankh, the footsteps hurried to the Fire Brigade where foundlings are traditionally found. Sadly, the producer of those footsteps arrived at the destination and found that the Fire Brigade had burned to the ground. A despondent shadow carrying a basket looked sadly upon the charred remains of the local fire department, only Ankh-Morpork would hire an alchemist to lead the fire brigade. Someone actually thought it was a good idea to place the fire brigade under the leadership of a man whose chosen field of science is based on explosions, flames, and rancid smoke.

The storm began to pelt the city with rain and hail stones. In true Ankh-morepork fashion, the hail stones were actual stones, what self-respecting storm would waste a good piece of ice on Ankh-Morpork? And worst of all, this was one of those storms, the kind that rattled down from the Ramtop Mountains after absorbing as much magical energy as possible and now the thunder and lightning were completely out of sync and were hitting the city in random order with no relation to each other. The traveler that was viewing the remains of the Fire Brigade was suddenly assaulted by an ear-splitting roll of thunder so loud it almost knocked her over.

Once the noisy assault was over the traveler noticed the ramshackle collection of walls, windows, towers, and roofs that could only be the Unseen University, the preeminent school of wizardry on the Discworld. Another clue was that the gargoyles on the roof were all holding umbrellas. She stepped up to the only door in the wall surrounding the university campus that she saw, it was shielded from the downpour by a dilapidated portico that threatened to collapse, or at least sit down and have a cuppa and a smoke. A sudden, prolonged flash of lightning illuminated a sign {the lightning flash in question was the one that caused the blast of thunder earlier, as mentioned, the thunder and lightning were now hitting in random order} The sign read:

Libraree Drop Offf

Pleze Leeve Bookz and Ryng Bell.

The traveler placed an oilskin covered basket on the step and pulled the cord then dashed away. The sounds of her receding footsteps could still be heard when the library door opened and a long, hairy arm extended. The equally hairy hand at the end of the arm wrapped around the basket handle, lifted the basket, and drew it in. The door closed and moments later the sound of a baby crying could be heard along with a startled voice that asked the universal question, "Ook?"

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The head librarian of the Unseen University was an orangutan. That's not to say that he was particularly ugly or to say that he held beliefs that would get him labeled as an ape in more advanced worlds, he was an orange haired, long armed, super strong orangutan. He was accidentally transformed from an ordinary wizard with a taste for thaumaturgical bibliothecography to an orangutan with a taste for thaumaturgical bibliothecography when one of the eight great spells was accidentally set off in the library and he was changed from a bookish professor to a bookish great ape. Ever since then, the Librarian had resisted all efforts to reverse the spell. Having near superhuman strength, arms that were almost two yards long, and prehensile feet gave the Librarian a body that was designed for Library Sciences. All mentioned bodily features of the orangutan came in handy when wrestling aggressive tomes and combative grimoire into their assigned shelves.

For many months the Librarian and his foundling daughter lived in harmony, he found several books on child rearing in the Speculative Fiction section and applied their lessons and they seemed to work. Feeding the infant was easy; he could get anything he wanted from the university kitchen, however, his first major hurdle was what to do with the waste produced? This child could turn four fluid ounces of goat's milk into 12 ounces of... other things. How to deal with this... The Librarian sat watching the infant sleep as he pondered the situation with a banana. For the Librarian all problems could be solved within the space of time it takes to eat one banana. If the problem isn't solved within that period of time, it wasn't his problem to deal with in the first place. As he finished the fruit {botanically it's a berry but that's someone else's problem}, the solution to his quandary came in a flash. He grabbed one of the sleeping infant's diapers and swung off through the stacks.

Mrs. Witlow, head housekeeper of the Unseen University, was enjoying a steaming cuppa when the Librarian strolled into her office wearing a diaper. "Oh, Doctor Worblehat, it is good to see that you have finally chosen to wear clothing." The Librarian would normally have been taken aback that she knew his actual name {Dr. Horace Worblehat, LCC {PhD in Library Causality and Collision}} because even in human form he was rarely addressed as that.

"Ook."

"You need more clothing? We can certainly arrange that. Whatsay a nice waist coat and..."

"Ook."

"No waist coat. That's fine, but we could craft a nice set of trousers and a shirt..."

"Eeek!"

"Just the nappies? If you insist..."

Shortly the Librarian headed back to the library with several dozen diapers and was plotting a method of obtaining clothing for the child. He was nearly caught one afternoon in the dining hall during third lunch.

"I say, Librarian! Why the taste for goats' milk so suddenly?"

"Ook."

"You don't say," said the Archchancellor of the University, Mustrum Ridcully. "Then why stopper the bottle with the finger from a rubber glove?"

"Ook."

"Really! I never would have considered that! Good show, carry on."

The Librarian knuckled his way back to the library, he got away with it this time, but the Archchancellor was on to him. He had to do something with the baby before the Archchancellor realized that something was amiss. He worked hard at keeping the child a secret, but she was growing fast and soon she was clinging on to his fur with her fingers and toes as he inventoried the books. She learned to climb before she learned to walk, but it was getting dangerous. Professor Rincewind, his former assistant and now the Egregious Professor of Cruel and Unusual Geography stumbled across the child who was clinging to a bookshelf one afternoon. "What is this?" he asked, pointing at the Librarian's foster daughter with a trembling finger; the professor who traveled the entire discworld and survived everything was terrified of the child.

"Ook."

"A gargoyle larva?"

"Ook."

"I suppose everyone has to start somewhere." The answer satisfied Rincewind, and luckily, he's not curious enough to research the maturation cycles of domestic gargoyles, but he may say something to someone who is. This could be a problem.

The Librarian gave the baby a banana and sat down with a banana of his own to ponder the situation. He looked sadly at Ook, which is what he named the baby {yes, everyone knows that Ook is a boy's name and the child is most definitely a girl but she didn't seem to mind}, he's got to do something. When he reached the end of the banana, the potential solution struck - L-Space!

The theory behind L-Space is simple, yet it is often overlooked by mundane users of libraries. The theory states that in large quantities books warp space and time around them. The principle of L-Space revolves around the universal law that 'Knowledge is Power'. Books contain knowledge, therefore:

BOOKS = KNOWLEDGE and KNOWLEDGE = POWER therefore BOOKS = POWER

Power is best described in the following equation:

POWER = (FORCE X DISTANCE ÷ TIME)

The power generated by large quantities of magical and mundane books create portals into L-Space that can be accessed using innate powers of Librarianship that are taught by the Librarians of Time and Space to those deemed worthy across the multiverse. This means that all bookstores are infinite in extent; libraries are gateways into literary hyperspace. In other words, "a good bookshop is just a genteel blackhole that knows how to read."

Collections of ordinary books can distort space provided that the collection is sufficiently large enough. Anyone who has been in an old-fashioned secondhand bookshop can testify to the otherworldly feeling one gets the deeper back into the endless rows of shelves they go. If they notice, as they browse, they find that the books will be printed in a different language, with an odd alphabet using something that can only loosely be considered ink. These lucky folk have traveled through L-Space, and the wonders they would have seen had they continued out the other side! But they probably wouldn't have found what they were looking for, secondhand bookshops are notorious for that.

Because L-Space links every library, it is possible to reach any one of these libraries throughout space, time and the multiverse. One can read any book ever written, any book that will ever be written at some point, and books that were planned for writing that were not written, as well as any book that could possibly be written if the idea hit someone who could write.

In order to travel through time personally, to see libraries under different skies, one needs the rules. The Librarians of Time and Space {Membership is limited to librarians who have reached the level of Master Librarian, Senior Master Librarian, or Chief Master Librarian} have developed three simple rules to ensure abuse of L-Space is kept to a minimum:

- Silence

- Books must be returned by the last date stamped

- Do not interfere with the nature of causality

Librarians of Time and Space are also taught how to deal with the dangers of navigating L-Space, such as the "harmless" kickstool crabs, large and heavy wandering thesauri, the .303 Bookworm, and the dreaded cliches, which must be avoided at all costs.

When Ook finished her banana, the Librarian sadly picked up her basket that was filled with her clothing and her toys and together they knuckled their way back into the stacks where the entry to L-Space is located.

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"Wot's wrong man?" boomed the Archchancellor.

"Ook!"

"My apologies, wot's wrong ape? You look like you lost your best friend." The Archchancellor was rarely a visitor to the library for anything other than a quick brush up on entomology. It would soon be trout season and new flies must be tied.

"Ook." The Librarian had a nervous tome in the binding clamp, and he was carefully resewing the main binding of the shuddering grimoire.

"Eh? He got lost in the stacks?"

"Ook."

"Chin up! He'll be back soon, he's gotta eat sometime!"

"Eeek!"

"Sorry, but it's true ol' ma... uh... ape."

"Ook."

"You're welcome."

Every evening, as the sun set and underclassmen were banned from the library, the allowed users of the library carried lanterns to find their books, the Librarian grabbed his blanket and a banana and climbed high into the tallest shelves where he could hide in the warm dry air of the upper reaches. There he made his bed, pulled his ancient blanket over his head, and sadly watched the coming and going of those select few wizards that were authorized and trained to travel through L-Space.

Every few months or so, his foster child would come home for a joyful reunion with her foster father where he would teach her necessary skills including bookbinding and long division using the Dewey Decimal system. She was growing fast and growing wise, and she announced one day that she wanted a girl's name like the other lady librarians.

"Ook?"

"Too common. Everybody has that name."

"Ook?

"It sounds funny. Nobody is going to respect a librarian with that for a name."

"Ook?"

"It's too long for a proper name tag."

The librarian sighed. Nothing in his decades of training and experience had prepared him to deal with pre-teenage girls. "Ook?"

"Perfect!" she cried "I love it!" and now the young foundling was known throughout the multiverse as Octavia Worblehat, Librarian-In-Training.

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Octavia wasn't due back for her visit for several weeks; the Librarian was perched in his nest high above the books and the readers, keeping an eye out for his dark-haired little girl as he researched a most mysterious phenomenon {at least to a wizard} the ritual of a young girls party. He was excited because it was the eighth year since he rescued her on that dark and stormy night, the day they celebrate annually as her birthday. On the discworld a child's eighth birthday is an important event, her first octet, and it is celebrated with parties, cake, and bananas {at least when an orangutan is making the party arrangements}. When she reaches sixteen years, a wild, noisy party with friends and boys marks a girls second octet, and when she reaches twenty-four her third octet is celebrated with her girlfriends, alcohol and angry commiserations on past boyfriends. No woman on discworld admits to a fourth, fifth, or sixth octet, but the seventh and following octets are recognized by her children and grandchildren.

While his cabinet below his desk was most secure and a perfect place to ponder the troubles of the multiverse, up here it felt more like home. He placed potted plants atop the shelves which hid his nest, and it gave him a sense of security to wake high among the leaves. Up here he could make his plans in happy contentment without having to answer questions like "Why are you smiling?"

One dark evening long after moonset, the library was lit only by arcane lamps whose octarine glow {Octarine is a magical color, and it is prominent in the rainbow cast on a planet with a strong magical field. It is a greenish-yellow/purple and described as a disappointing shade of blue, but it is still magical and can only be seen by Wizards and cats} was caused by a pair of magically charged crystals with apposing magical fields. The lamps were perfect for the library because although the light was dim and caused warts through long exposure, there was no flame involved. Being flameless, they didn't terrify the more nervous books in the library. However, since they cast an ugly, jittery purple-ish light, they were the worse lamp a reader could possibly want. Outside of reassuring pyrophobic books, their only proper use was illuminating emergency exits and identifying spots left behind by incontinent puppies and lost freshmen.

Late one evening a figure emerged from L-Space and stepped into the librarian's line of sight moving stealthily through the stacks. Whoever it was wore fancy high-heeled riding boots, a riding cloak which showed off the fancy ruffled sleeves, a flat-topped wide brim hat with a large, extravagant plume, a musket at his right hip and a rapier on his left. He was followed by a walking stick made of sapient pearwood {Sapient Pearwood is a magical wood grown on the mysterious Counterweight Continent and the wood's most interesting magical property is its ability to follow its owner. Luggage made of Sapient Pearwood will never get lost} meaning that his walking stick was walking behind him. The swordsman was the epitome of fashionable mayhem, and he was looking for something.

"Psssst!" the figure hissed quietly, it looked around and was looking up and the Librarian could see his fashionable raven locks, but his face was obscured by a velvet mask. "Pssst!" the swordsman insisted again as he crouched and peered into the darkness. Then the swordsman said something that confused and terrified the Librarian...

"Ook."

Silently the Librarian dropped from the branches, the battle howls of generations of ape ancestors rang in his ears as he sailed down on his intruder. He landed on the swordsman and drove him into the ground producing a loud "Oof" from the mystery man.

"Ook!" angrily whispered the Librarian {they are in a library after all} and he yanked down the intruder's mask. Rather than having the well-trimmed goatee and perfectly coifed mustache as required by the Musketeer's Guild, the swordsman was perfectly shaved, but there was no scent of Bay Rum or other such old spices, which would mean that this was a... a... swordswoman!

The intruder smiled up at him and whispered, "Daddy, it's me, Octavia."

"Ook?" The librarian nearly shouted in shock.

"Sshh! This is a library, not a rugby match."

"Ook," he whispered apologetically.

"Thank you, I've been in training for years so of course I sound like a librarian," Octavia showed the Librarian a small, tasteful badge pinned under her lapel where it wouldn't reflect light that would disturb a reader, "I'm a Senior Master Librarian. Very soon I'm going to move home, and we're going to study together and advance to Chief Master Librarian."

"Ook?"

"Yes, I am moving through time... I've been given a mission. I could have arrived in Four Ecks to start the mission, but I needed to see you first."

"Ook!" he warned his daughter.

"No, of course not. Meeting my past self would not cause any time paradoxes at all, the Chief Master Librarians started that rumor so people would avoid time travel. If words of how easy it is ever got out, everyone would be doing it."

"Ook."

"You can say that again."

"Ook."

"Good one dad," she chuckled.

They chatted through the night talking about all the marvelous libraries she's been to, and she produced a list of libraries she thought her dad would like to visit. "You can take a fortnight and go on a right holiday, and I will watch the stacks while you're out, and I can get some studying done."

"Ook?"

"Didn't I mention that? Sorry, we discussed that the last time I was here... which will be in sixteen years for you, sorry. I'm here because I need a huge favor..." They argued far into the night librarian style, harsh whispers growing softer and softer until barely audible and someone says, "You don't have to whisper so quietly, I'm not hyperacusoid!"

"I don't understand what the big deal is," whispered Octavia. "I am a wizard! I studied wizardry at one of the most prestigious schools of witches and warlocks in the multiverse and I graduated with honors."

"Ook?"

Her face suddenly went completely vacant. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of..." she said with a blank expression, then she shook her head and said, "See? They put a spell on their students now and you can't say where you studied all because ONE woman goes for ONE semester then writes a series of children's books about the place and makes a fortune on movie rights alone!"

A spectral voice from below them joined the conversation, the voice was as quiet as a tomb, as dry as an ancient desert pyramid, and as hard to ignore as the final trumpet. "I HAVE READ THOSE BOOKS AND FOUND THEM TO BE QUITE ENTERTAINING." The tall, shrouded figure with scythe returned to scanning the shelves, tracing the titles with a bone finger, looking for the perfect late-night reading. Tome after tome did their best trying to look inconspicuous and boring in an effort to remain on the shelf as the anthropomorphic personification of Death hummed a merry little dirge while he searched through the books.

"See? She's got fans everywhere. Look, dad, I'm not asking you to get me a degree, I already have my degree," she produced a rolled-up document from the depths of her robe and handed it to him and he ooked in amazement at her accomplishments.

"Ook?" he said, his pallid eyes wide in shock.

"That's right daddy, Octavia Worblehat, Doctor of Multi-theistic Amphibology. I know... I know... before you say it, I know it is an over filled specialty, BUT it's what I need for this mission. And now I need a couple of classes to gain the specialized knowledge I need to complete my mission." She handed him the list of classes she needed and an outline of her mission.

As a father his heart sank, it's a suicide mission; as a wizard he realized the importance of her mission, and as a librarian he realized the opportunity it provided to go outside, breathe the fresh air, and get some sunlight, all dangerous but desirous intoxicants to a librarian. With a heartfelt sigh he proceeded to tell her how much he loved her and how he worried about her, of the guilt he felt for being an absentee parent and apologizing profoundly by saying, "Ook."

"Oh daddy!" she wept, and they held each other until sunrise.

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The Lecturer in Modern Antiquities, the Right and Honourable Professor Tuenge Untermeyer T.V.C.O.S. {The Venerable Council of Seers} started his class by clearing his throat for a full two minutes then in his nasal voice he said, "It appears that we have a new student among us, Façade Incognito, would you please rise and tell us a little bit about yourself Mister Incognito?"

Without standing Octavia rose and along with her stool she also levitated her desk so she could study her notes as she spoke. In a made-up stilted voice she said, "I am Façade Incognito, a student of wizardry, I hope to become a wizard and follow in the footsteps of my idol Cringe Volcaic in the study of advanced magic germination in post-apocalyptic fungal spores." She spoke in such slow, whining monotone that she hoped it would ensure that no one would speak to her or call on her in class for fear of hearing that voice again.

But for some reason Professor Untermeyer found himself interested in a way that he hadn't felt in decades. "Mister Incognito, could you explain why you chose to levitate rather than simply stand?"

If he only knew where her pseudonym came from! Octavia got it from her favorite book that she read as a child, the author dedicated the book to the love of his life, Façade Incognito. Again, came the whiny voice designed to cause cringe in this and adjoining classrooms. "You said rise sir, not stand. I was simply following directions." The way she drew out the words "rise" and "stand" insured that several of her classmates removed those words from their vocabularies permanently.

"Yes... uhhh... thank you Mister Incognito." For some reason Professor Untermeyer was reminded of warm summer evenings in his youth, evenings spent by the river and a certain farm girl named Lousie... "If you will excuse me, I will be right back..."

This became a pattern in all of her classes, no matter how annoying she tried to present herself, the professors would become misty and end class early. Also oddly enough, no one bothered Octavia about her lack of beard. If asked she had a cover story devised, but no one asked, in fact they wanted to sit closer to her.

The only person that seemed to be immune from Octavia was Archchancellor Mustrum Ridcully who was usually too busy tinkering with a new high powered assault crossbow or fly rod {The high powered assault fly rod was actually invented by Archchancellor Ridcully.} Finally, the Lecturer in Creative Uncertainty came to the Archchancellor and demanded that he do something about the new student.

"What has he done man?" demanded the Archchancellor.

"It's what he's not doing!" shrieked the desperate lecturer.

"Well, I can't tell the lad to stop doing whatever it is that he's not doing. Make sense man!" He gave the Lecturer in Creative Uncertainty a jolly good slap on the back which nearly set the rotund little man reeling {or possibly rolling}.

"He must be casting a spell, and enchantment, an allurement. Classes are being disrupted as faculty and students come under the enthrallment!" The lecturer was near hysterics.

"What's the name of this miscreant?"

"Façade Incognito."

"Hmmm, his name sounds Howandalandish to me... BURSAR!" When the terrified Bursar arrived the Archchancellor boomed, "Bring me the admission paperwork on Façade Incognito!"

The Bursar was so terrified he could only respond with a barely audible, "Meep," and he dashed off to find the paperwork.

As he waited for the bursar to bring the demanded documents, Archchancellor Ridcully raised his newest high powered assault crossbow and scanned the walls of his office for a likely target. With an ear-splitting roar, the bolt crossed the distance from the Archchancellors desk to the mounted head of a rare Ramtop Mountain three horn mountain goat faster than the eye can recognize. The bolt traveled so fast that its passage burned the flights off the bolt and heated up the head to a glowing, metal warping temperature. A trail of smoke led from Ridcully's crossbow to a growing cloud of hair, goat horns, glass eyeballs, and wool stuffing that started showing signs of combustion. "Got the buggar!" roared Ridcully gleefully.

The bursar extended a small stack of papers with a trembling hand, "If it pleases your Archchancellorship sir," said an equally trembling bursar.

"Excellent!" roared Ridcully and he lay down the crossbow, the wooden stock still making ticking sounds as it cooled off from the shot. "Please bring a bucket of water and douse ol' Cotton Head up there will you? Thank you awfully much, now... what do we have here..." The Archchancellor studied the documents. "As I thought, all is in order." Ridcully closed the folder and smiled at the lecturer. "You can go back to class safe in the knowledge that there is no enthrallment."

"You can tell that by reading his application of admission?"

"Of course, he's a legacy. Look here, his foster father is a member of our faculty! Such lineage precludes an act of malfeasance!" His statement was punctuated with another denture loosening clap on the back but had no basis in reality. Legacy students tend to create the most trouble.

"Exactly who is the foster father?" demanded the Lecturer in Creative Uncertainty.

"Doctor Horace Worblehat," said the Archchancellor smugly.

"And just who is that?"

"He's um, he's errr... he's faculty. Don't worry about it, I'll handle it from here."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Late evening, high above the casual observer, the Librarian and his daughter reviewed her notes from her daily lectures like they did every night. Finally, she slammed her textbook closed {quietly} in frustration. "I don't understand daddy, I've used spells and disguises, but I swear they seem to know! And they don't care!"

"Ook."

"They follow me in a crowd, they open doors for me, they carry my books for me, they purchase my meals for me, they offer to do my homework for me..."

"Ook?"

"That IS the faculty! My fellow students are too scared to talk to me!" There was one more thing she dare not tell her foster father and for once she bemoans the fact that she has no foster mother to talk to. For some reason she feels horribly overdressed.

"Ook," said the Librarian as he reached for a banana with a foot. As he peeled and thoughtfully chewed on the banana, Octavia returned to her books sitting cross-legged atop the bookcases hidden behind potted plants, behind her the walking stick she was awarded at her graduation from a wizarding university, paced impatiently, ready to strike out on a long walk. It's what all walking sticks would do if they were all made from sapient pearwood. Finally, the Librarian swallowed the last bite of banana and said, "Oook." It was the longest speech she ever heard her father say.

"I will daddy," and she tearfully threw her arms around an equally tearful orangutang. Partings are so painful, but planning for them is worse.

For the next week she was especially studious, taking notes furiously in her eclectic choice of classes, especially Astro Zoology and Thaumaturgical Herpetology. As she promised her father, she began to look for an assistant, someone to travel with her, someone she could trust who would assist her with her urgent mission. Between classes she spoke with her classmates, and each one she asked the same question, "If we were trapped together on a secluded island paradise, what would you do with me?"

Most of her fellow students began trembling, their breath coming in gasps, their moist eyes open wide, their voices sputtering until they muttered an excuse and ran off. Others fumbled for words until they said some inane platitude such as "Build a raft" or "collect fruit." The faculty was just as bad; however, one wizard did have a novel idea of creating a tropical line of wizard's staffs from rare local hardwoods harvested on the island and adding faux native carvings to the staff. He seemed to be quite enamored with the idea of the money that idea could make.

Frustrated with the responses she received from the faculty, she turned to the housekeeping staff and quickly found that the women were out of the question. Each one answered along the lines of - "Wot would I do with the likes of YOU on an island paradise? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! I won't let you within a furlong of me! And I'll tell you another thing! If I so much as catch you even glancing in the direction of my ankles I will..." With a little wave of her hand Octavia left the shrieking kitchen help mute and angry, but at least the mind-numbing clatter of a busy kitchen could be heard once again.

She was defeated, it was her dad who told her to enlist a servant, someone to help in this most important quest but no one appeared to be right. Worst of all, if she can't find someone to come with her and assist, he said that he would come with her and she couldn't endanger her daddy. She found herself on the roof of the Hall of Alchemic Arts, hidden by the various columns of multi coloured smoke that oozed from dozens of holes in the roof {both the smoke and holes were caused by a series of freshman failures in the alchemy labs below} she tried to ponder her fate. Sadly, she soon found herself at the center of an adoring crowd of effigies. They were gargoyles who offered her dead pigeons as a gift to lift her spirits. {Dead pigeons are gargoyle's favorite meal.}

In frustration she left the grounds of the Unseen University to think and found herself in the ruins of the Fire Brigade building that was apparently being rebuilt... or maybe the bricks were being stolen. A young man that she had been watching carry off the charred bricks came up to Octavia and asked, "Would you like a fresh brick to sit on ma'am?"

"You can tell that I'm a woman?" She had cast numerous spells on herself to prevent people from realizing her true gender. From spells that gave her a full beard to spells that gave her robes the appearance of a football team's jersey. She even sat with her knees wide apart and attempted to explain everything to the women in the housekeeping staff.

"You're not?" The young man looked confused.

Octavia studied the young man closely, either he was born with the gift of True Sight {True Sight is the ability to see past the frippery and illusions that is placed all around us and see the world as it truly is. People with True Sight are generally depressed and no fun at parties} or he is "Magically Well Endowed" a condition that sounds more exciting than it truly is. "Tell me," said Octavia, "if we were trapped together on an island paradise, what would you do with me?"

He blushed! He actually blushed! He stuttered and looked down at his feet and said shyly, "anything you ask of me and everything I could to make you happy."

"You're hired!" she said before her brain could stop her mouth. He gave her the wrong answer, it wasn't even close to what her father told her to wait for, but dad wasn't here. Dad wasn't her. This was a dangerous mission and this handsome fellow needed to know the risks.

"I'm sorry... I suppose I should explain." She took a deep breath and tried to explain some very complex scientific facts without using complex scientific jargon. "As you know our world is flat and rides on the back of four elephants that ride through space on the back of a giant turtle, are you with me so far?" He nodded happily so she continued, "years ago the turtle that our planet rides on returned to the eggs she laid. The eggs hatched and now the baby turtles carrying tiny young elephants holding up little flat planets are following us as we swim through space... am I being too scientific for you? I can use layman's terms if need be..."

"No, not at all... I mean it's fine..." he said smiling and when his eyes caught hers something happened, she became tired of pretending to be a man and he became tired of being alone.

"There are planet eaters out there in space," she continued, "they're too small to eat us, but the babies are the right size for them."

"Oh no," gasped the young man and he looked genuinely concerned. Normally a citizen of Ankh-Morpork would say, "it ain't my problem," then steal her wallet.

"We are passing a nebula that's perfect for the babies to hide in and live in there safe from the planet killers, they could grow and emerge large enough that a planet killer is not a threat. I need to go to Krull and stand on Tähelepanek Point and cast a spell that would allow the babies to go free where they can hide and grow."

"That sounds nice," said the finely muscled young man.

Trying not to pant, Octavia continued. "Releasing this spell will anger the planet eater and he will come after me, but if it saves eight entire planets then I will go knowing that I saved millions of future lives. Are you willing to risk your life to help me save some baby turtles?"

The young man again met her gaze and smiled a smiled that made her panties damp. "For the honor of serving with you? I would do anything."

Octavia whimpered and quickly said, "We will leave in two weeks. Don't be late. By the way, what's your name?"

"Pommeraie de la Montesquieu," he said smiling proudly. He beamed with pride that he actually spoke with a woman.

Octavia froze, that's close to the name of her favorite author! Since she was 12 she's been a fan of Porter de la Montesquieu, he wrote such a touching novel about his pet dog who was more than a pet. She spilled thousands of tears reading about that dog, could this be him? "How do you spell that?"

"With an x." The young man suddenly looked embarrassed then said with a humiliated frown, "Me pap couldna' read nor write, so I spell it with an X."

Octavia giggled with relief, this well built, handsome, but short man wasn't her literary hero. But he is hot! She smiled at this young man like she was a young girl who was suddenly allowed in the adult section of the library and said, "When were you born?" She looked at his broad chest, chiseled muscles, his large biceps, thick muscular thighs... his body was shaped like an upside down triangle - broad shoulders tapering down to a flat stomach accentuated by rippling abs to a narrow waist to a large... she suddenly felt very flush. Her hand reached out of its own accord and touched his chest and she felt a jolt of shocking desire course through her. She drew her hand back in embarrassment.

"Spune thirty second, in the year of the Incontinent Badger"

After a few quick calculations that counted for time travel she said, "I'm just a few months younger than you," she was happy to be distracted from the thought of his bulging... glistening... She closed her eyes and quickly continued, "I was born on the third of Ick, year of the Willing Locust." Somehow the word "willing" came out with a gust of breath that changed the word willing from an adjective to a verb. Octavia looked Pommeraie de la Montesquieu up and down again. While her eyes had an exciting journey, up and down was a fairly quick trip because as they say in the most uncouth city in the multiverse, Ankh-Morpork, his ass is built quite close to the sidewalk.

For having such a regal name, {he was named after a Klatchian cheese} Pommeraie de la Montesquieu was short. The top of his head barely came up to Octavia's nose, and she's barely taller than her dad, the ape. Pommeraie de la Montesquieu stood a head taller than a dwarf, a beard would complete the illusion if needed. "What do they call you for short ... I mean what is your nickname?"

"Nick." He said with an innocent smile.

Octavia almost missed that, she was marveling over how the gods lined up that beautiful mouth of his at almost the same height as her hard, aching... wait, what? "Nick? Why do they call you Nick?"

"Because that's my job, I nick bricks. I come to this site and nick the bricks off to where they are building the new fire brigade." He hoisted a couple of bricks and his biceps glistened in the sunlight. Several thoughts came to mind of what he could do with those muscles, and she started to drool... wait, what? She needs to learn to concentrate with him around. "Uh, why are they rebuilding the fire brigade somewhere else?" she asked.

"The Patrician, Lord Vetinari, passed a unanimous resolution {unanimous meaning that no one voted against him {and lived}} that no fire brigade shall be built within ten city blocks of the known residence of an alchemist. Said fire brigades shall be constructed solely of stone and brick and outfitted with..." and he proceeded to recite the entire demandment which covered a scroll that unfurled was four feet long.

As Nick recited the latest city ruling on construction and outfitting of fire brigade buildings the sound of a loud "Poom!" caused them to turn their heads toward the Hall of Alchemic Arts to see the flaming remains of an alchemy undergraduate student sail through the air to splat on the remains of a wall of the old fire brigade near them then tumble to the ground starting a grass fire.

"That's probably quite wise, it doubtlessly gets expensive rebuilding fire brigades." said Octavia as the student sprang to his feet and dashed back to the Hall of Alchemic Arts spreading the lawn fire as he traveled.

"Never trust an Alchemist with eyebrows," they both recited as the freshman beat his fists on the entry door to the Hall of Alchemic Arts. A figure appeared in a window above him and poured a bucket of water on the flaming student dousing the freshman before an upperclassman opened the door allowing him back in. It is said that the Unseen University only allows Alchemy to be practiced on school grounds to give the Medical students bodies to practice on.

After that dramatic little scene was complete, Octavia turned to Nick and said, "so Pommeraie is your first name?"

Nick looked confused and said, "Pommeraie de la Montesquieu is my first name, my last name is Stein."

"That means stone," said Octavia as Nick started doing curls with several bricks stacked up in his large, strong hands. She began drooling again, her eyes fixed on his bulging biceps as he lifted those bricks up and down... up and down... sweat glistening off of his...

"Uh, ma'am? My eyes are up here."

"Yes, right!" Octavia snapped out of her reverie and closing her eyes so she wouldn't become trapped in his puppy sweet gaze said, "Last chance to get out of this, I have a perilous mission that I must accomplish, it's very dangerous and..."

"Would you like my help?" Nick asked nervously.

"No, what I was saying was... wait... do you mean..."

"Because if you really don't need my help, this job is almost done and I'll need to find work somewhere else in a couple of weeks."

Octavia felt her heart race and her throat tighten but it seemed like he didn't understand the danger. "It will be dangerous; it will take us to the very end of the world with an angry planet eating beast..."

Instead of calling her insane or running off in fear, Nick simply smiled a thigh warming smile and said, "I could get to see the elephants!"

"I may not be able to pay anything and we'll have to live off the land."

"I can make a smashing stew from squirrel and road apples."

"Brilliant! Can you be ready to go in two weeks?"

Nick was grinning in anticipation and could only nod dumbly to her question. "Ta!" she called and Nick watched the excited girl as she danced off to the Unseen University. The fact that as she skipped along her toes didn't touch the ground didn't bother Nick too much, but her walking stick chasing after her did cause him to raise an eyebrow.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

It was one of those warm spring days that makes you glad to be alive, even if that means being stuck in Ankh-Morpork. Warm temperatures, sunny skies, birds singing {to most people Ankh-Morpork songbirds sound like three pack a day smokers} and the gentle breeze was carrying the odiferous stench of the river Ankh away from the Unseen University. The humidity fueled haze blocked the view of "the City of a Thousand Broken Legs" {Ankh-Morpork has a very active personal loan industry} and it looked like any other city. It was peaceful if you ignored the screams of the occasional victim.

Octavia had a busy day so she didn't have time to walk over to the remains of the fire brigade, which was nearly gone now. She still wanted to watch Nick nicking bricks, so she climbed to the roof of Somnambulist Hall where she could watch him from a distance and hopefully not drive herself to distraction. She settled down in the warm sun, loosened her chest binders and looked at the cover of her notebook which was now covered with inscriptions that read "Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Stein" and "Mrs. Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Stein," and "Mrs. Octavia Stein."

As she sat and daydreamed of a life with Nick and added to the graffiti on her notebook, small pile of dead pigeons grew next to her as the gargoyles brought her gifts to munch on while she sat studying her notes and gazed at the distant remains of the fire brigade. She tried to watch them bring her the pigeons but when you look at a gargoyle, the stone effigy stops whatever it was doing and will remain motionless until the watcher averts his gaze. {You need to be close friends with a gargoyle before they let you see them move} Octavia squinted at the distant brigade hall and noticed that Nick wasn't there chipping the mortar from the bricks and stacking them up, so he must have taken his current armload of bricks to the new location.

With a sigh Octavia opened her notebook to a certain page that magically only she can find. Much of the same doodles featured on the cover could be seen on the hidden page with an additional twist that she included which caused the hearts that were drawn there to leap off the page and take to wing. They began to flutter around her and one by one they eventually would pop out of existence in a cloud of strawberry scented pink smoke.

"That's so cute!" said Nick as he sat down next to her.

"What!?!" shrieked Octavia. She slammed her notebook closed which made the dozen valentines fluttering around her pop creating a pink strawberry scented fog.

"It's a beautiful view from up here," said Nick as he began to stroke a smiling gargoyle's head. The gargoyle responded by purring, which sounded like somebody pouring gravel into a cement lined bucket.

Coughing in a cloud of strawberry scented fumes Octavia waved the pink clouds away with her notebook and finally asked, "How... why... what are you doing up here?"

Scratching a gargoyle behind the ear, Nick said, "How - I climbed the outside wall, why - because I saw you up here and I wanted to see you, and what - I'm seeing you..."

Octavia almost burst into song she was so happy! He wanted to be with her! The girlish scribble on her notebook now danced through her mind - MISSUS Octavia Stein!

Nick had turned his attention to the gargoyle who dropped a dead pigeon in his lap and he started scratching the gargoyle's neck rapidly. "Who's a good gargoyle? Who's a good gargoyle? You're such a cute gargoyle." The gargoyle started to pant happily in time with Nick's scratching, it's stone wings whirred with joy and its hind foot started tapping the slate shingle in time with Nick's scratching. The minute Nick lifted his hand, the gargoyle immediately stopped stone still except for its panting.

"You could see me up here?" asked Octavia. When she looked at Nick far below she just saw a small moving object. She only knew it was Nick because he's the only one who would carry an armload of bricks across the town.

"I saw that necklace you always wear, the one with the golden banana."

Octavia fingered her necklace... it did have a small golden banana barely bigger than a fingernail clipping, her foster father's icon, and Nick saw it from that far away? "Graduation is next week, are you ready to go?"

"Are you graduating?"

"No, but my classes will be over, so we'll be able to slip away."

"I didn't think they allowed women in the university except for household staff."

Octavia shrugged her shoulders which caused her breasts to wobble a little and smiled. "They think I'm a guy."

"How can they with..." Nick was at a loss for words, Octavia's breasts were full and round and quite a bit of them is displayed by the neckline of her blouse. Every shrug of her shoulders started those delicious mounds quivering causing a massive internal battle in Nick's mind to keep from reaching out and giving one a squeeze. His fumbling hand gestures gave her an idea of what he was thinking.

"I bind my breasts and I wear a robe which covers me, I cast spells that project an aura of masculinity, I wear a fake beard and it fools everyone... except you." Octavia looked into Nick's bright green eyes, a mistake which caused her more pleasure than she dared admit. But she needs to know how he can see through her disguise. "Are you... magical? Only a powerful mage could see through my disguise spells."

"I don't think so, let me try some," he waved his hands around and said the ancient words of power "Nihil Est Brachium Meum!" {Nothing Up My Sleeve} then opened his hands and fingers wide... and nothing happened. "Guess not."

"What were you trying to do?"

Nick looked stunned that she would ask that. "Do?"

"Yes, you have to focus on what you want to have happen for magic to work."

Nick looked deflated. "I thought it just happened."

Neither of them noticed the dozen brightly colored butterflies that had appeared behind Octavia and sadly the gentle wind blew them toward the industrial section of Ankh-Morpork where they all slowly died of COPD.

Octavia leaned against Nick and rested her cheek on his powerful shoulder. "You're incorrigible," she sighed happily. Nick was positive that he was not magical but he's more observant than a university full of Wizards. He tenderly put an arm around Octavia and the couple sat on the roof enjoying the bright gray skies, the sooty ravens cawing and coughing, and the warmth of the rarely seen sun.

They sat silently for a long time enjoying the closeness of each other when they were interrupted by the appearance of an hourglass. It flashed into existence over Octavia's small stack of books and when it appeared a musical chime could be heard. "Ding!" Octavia reluctantly sat up and sighed. "That's my timer," she groaned, "I have to get to my next class." With a wave of her hand the hourglass disappeared, and she gathered up her books. She pulled her false beard up into place, pulled her arms inside her robes and tightened her chest bindings, then she leaned over and gave Nick a kiss on the cheek. "Gotta go, same time tomorrow?"

"Of course!" he grinned, then he grew serious. "Are you really a wizard?"

"No," she scoffed with a smile and the wave of her free hand. "I'm a librarian." She tapped the roof of Somnambulist Hall with her walking stick and a hatch appeared where once there were only slate shingles. She carefully made her way into the hatch and the walking stick climbed down after her, then the hatch slowly closed and disappeared.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Graduation Day

Graduation Day for the Unseen University is a somber affair {families that scrimped and saved to put their sons through the underclassmen program at UU now realize that their child is going to get a job that pays noticeably nothing and they will never be repaid a dime of the tuition, books, and lab fees that they shelled out over the past 4 years} The graduation ceremony is held in a corner of Patrician's Park, a beautiful five acre estate in the center of Ankh-Morpork surrounded by high walls which were manned at all times by armed guards.

Inside the park is an area where the graduates, families, and faculty of the Unseen University are "guarded" {guarded meaning being kept safe in one place and not allowed to pollute the rest of Patrician's Park with their presence} The area where the ceremony is held is a flat, dusty corner where an "accidental" spill of highly toxic herbicide killed all plant and animal life and exposure to that corner for any longer than 35 minutes is considered suicide. The Graduation ceremony is scheduled for 34 minutes. Heavily armed and armoured mercenaries ring the ceremony, their primary purpose is to remind the attendees that the name Patrician's Park denotes ownership, not largess. They also remind the attendees that they are guests and are restricted to one corner and that is only due to a centuries old contract between an ancient Patrician and the Unseen University.

As the guests entered, they first walked across the draw bridge before going through the massive portcullis. The draw bridge crossed a fetid moat where things moved under the rainbow hue oil slicked surface of a bizarre and foul liquid that once was water. Occasionally a bubble would escape through the thick, gelatinous solution and burst releasing a foul smelling dark green vapor, and on the banks of the moat were the partial carcasses of creatures that tried to claw their way out of the moat: rabbits, squirrels, sewer rats, recalcitrant taxpayers...

Once across the drawbridge the visitors were greeted with the scent of piping hot polenta. The scalding hot paste made of cornmeal, a staple of the diet of the lower classes, was poured down onto unwelcome or unruly guests through murder holes in the ceiling of the portcullis where it would stick to the skin of the malefactors causing severe and extremely painful burns. At the same time, it allowed the Patrician to claim that he was merely providing a hot lunch to his guests.

The graduation attendees may get a glimpse of the park through ranks of guards that lined their route to the ceremony area. Someone who was tall enough to see over the guard's shoulders would have seen the park filled with tree lined paths, singing flower gardens, laughing fountains, decorative waterfalls, overelaborate lawns, ornate bridges over babbling brooks streaming with actual water {a rare and expensive commodity in Ankh-Morpork}, and rose covered pavilions perfect for a romantic tête-à-tête.

A stage was set up for the ceremony and it was filled with the faculty of the Unseen University, and also with local celebrities, such as Stench Reinhart, the Patrician's executive assistant for mundane appearances, Lady Sybil Vimes and her husband Samuel Vimes, the Duke of Ankh, Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson commander of the city watch and his wife Angua Ironfoundersson. Captain Carrot is the tallest dwarf in history, being a human raised by dwarves, and his wife Angua is a housebroken werewolf.

A flyover by the Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons Precision Flight Team of seven well trained swamp dragons streaming black and blue smoke {the official colors of the City of Ankh-Morpork} entertained the attendees. Swamp Dragons, Draco Vulgaris which means "common dragon," are small, about the size of the average beagle, and the duchess, Lady Sybil Vimes, spends her free time caring for abandoned swamp dragons. Her husband Sam, the Duke of Ankh, has a small dragon perched on his shoulder as a handy cigar lighter. Unfortunately, regardless of how cute they are, swamp dragons actually make horrible pets mostly due to their habit of exploding without warning. Swamp dragons are difficult to house break, but they can be litter box trained, just be sure to use non-flammable litter.

With the flyover completed without loss of life the ceremony was set to begin. Meanwhile in his palace the Patrician, Havelock Vetinari, looked out from his balcony where the park blocks his view of the city of Ankh-Morpork {by design}. He noticed that there was a notable person missing from the faculty. A faculty member that never misses a party.

"Mister Handletyre, do you see anyone missing from the dais?"

The Patrician's social secretary, Tredwell Handletyre, pulled a brass and crystal monocular out of his frock coat and studied the stage as Havelock sat at his desk. "All that is missing, that I can see, is the monkey."

"Now, now," said Vetinari wagging a finger without looking up from a report, "somehow those inept magicians have accumulated a collection of the most powerful books of magic in the multiverse. Their librarian is the only thing keeping that library from exploding in a thaumo-nuclear blast taking us, and everything down to the turtle with it." He muttered under his breath as he folded the report, sealing it with each fold. He dripped wax from a red candle on the last fold, pressed the seal with his ring, then looked up at Handltyre. "We need to find out what the librarian is doing. Handle that for me, will you? And be sure to remember that he is an ape, not a monkey. And drop this off with the Assassination Guild please?"

Tredwell watched the Patrician inscribe the folded report with red ink handling instructions F.H.&K.H. {Find Him & Kill Him} "That is a bit severe for missing a graduation ceremony, is it not?" asked Tredwell.

"Hmm? Oh that. No, that's not for the librarian, that's for Mister Ving."

"Ohy! Of course. I'll get right on it." Mr. Ohy Ving ran a sandwich shop around the corner from the Patrician's palace and earlier this week put mustard on Lord Vetinari's roast beef sandwich instead of horseradish. There are things that just cannot be condoned, like incorrect condiments.

<><><><><>

As Lady Sybil Vimes addressed the graduating students on the need to work together for the good of society {the newly minted wizards thought this was a wonderful bit of comedy crafted to entertain them. They couldn't wait to graduate and get on to the real work of wizarding: large meals, long naps, and creating spells that will never get cast}, back on campus Octavia adjusted her backpack and said, "I've got it all dad, we spent all of last night packing." Octavia had a small backpack that was a cute pink and purple pack barely large enough to hold a change of clothing. Meanwhile, Nick had a backpack that was nearly as big as he was. Admittedly that's not very big as men go, but somehow he and Octavia packed everything they would need in that one pack.

Octavia held up a banana stained parchment with her father's list of things she would need to take with her on the journey. "We got it all, we're ready to go."

"Ook?" asked the worried father.

"Got it!"

"Ook?"

"Got it."

"Ook?"

"Daddy, that was not on the list," scolded Octavia, "and stop laughing at me." She hugged her foster father and realized that he was trying to cheer both of them up.

"Ook," he said sadly.

"Oh daddy, we'll be ok, and I'll be back so soon you will hardly notice that I was gone," she said trying to sound cheerful, but for someone who was raised in L-Space traveling from one library to another, from one time to another slipping back and forth through time as casually as slipping into a new outfit, she looked nervous. She reached out a hand to Nick who took it and she gave him a gentle tug. "Come on honey."

As she urged him on, Nick paused in front of the librarian and said, "Don't worry sir, I'll take good care of your little girl."

The librarian patted him on the shoulder and taking a deep breath he nodded and grinned. "Ook."

"Daddy!" gasped a blushing Octavia. "I can't believe you said that!"

"What? What did he say?" asked Nick as Octavia tugged him through the tall shelves of books that seemed to be sniggering at them.

"Never mind, just come on." Their voices faded into the distance as Octavia led Nick deep into the stacks.

"No really, I want to know..."

Grinning, the librarian knuckled his way back to his desk, he had a stack of books to return to the shelves and they were starting to flap they were so nervous. {Books, especially books in the vicinity of wizards, have an innate fear of being used as a coffee cup holder} He checked the card in the back of each book and divided them into separate piles, defensive astral projection over here, theodicy for financial gain over there... Eventually an eight-year-old girl with long wavy dark hair stepped out of the aisle that Octavia disappeared in less than half an hour ago. The young girl stepped up to the tall desk and looking up the librarian's large flat face softly said, "Excuse me..."

The librarian held a long finger to his prehensile lips. "Shh!"

"Daddy!" pouted the miffed child, but before she could say another word the head of housekeeping, Mrs. Witlow, and several members of the laundry staff sprung out from their hiding places and happily whispered, "Happy First Octet!"

The librarian swung down from his stool and hugged this young vision of his daughter and informed her that there was a party planned for her in the kitchen and urged her to hurry along with an "Ook."

"Ok daddy, but don't take too long," said Octavia as she skipped off to the kitchen with Mrs. Witlow and her staff.

The librarian swung back up on his stool and finished checking in the returned books. He got them settled down on their shelves, happy to be back where they belong, when a small, wiry man dressed in black stepped into the library. "Oy! Monkey boy! Th' Patrician wants t' know why yer not at the graduation ceremony!"

As an Assassins Guild trained "personal secretary" Tredwell Handletyre committed a grievous error when he failed to ensure that he had solid footing and lost precious lead time when his foot slipped on the remains of a banana peel. The last time anyone saw Tredwell Handletyre in a healthy state he was lying face down being dragged backwards into the library, his fingernails gouging the wooden floor and he shrieked, "For the love of the gods, someone please help..." the rest was lost in the sound of screaming and crunching bones.

Several hours later the remains of Tredwell Handletyre came to consciousness and the Patrician saw the swollen eye start to open. "Don't cry, please stop... Gods I hate it when they cry..." when Tredwell's tears stopped flowing and his howls of pain and agony diminished to a pitiful whimpering, the Patrician asked in a soothing voice, "Did you find out why the librarian wasn't there?" Tredwell tried to nod his head, but he found that he was in a metal frame that was bolted to his head and shoulders, it prevented any head movements and was incredibly painful. "Don't try to move your head, just blink once for yes twice for no. Did you find out why the librarian wasn't there?"

Slowly, painfully, the lid covering Tredwell's remaining eye blinked twice.

"And the librarian did all of this to you?" Havelock asked incredulously. This time, a slow, pain filled single blink of his eye. The patrician's greatest fear that the librarian was too ill to attend was in vain, clearly if he was able to do this to one of the best assassins that the guild ever put out, then he was in perfect health. The patrician smiled and chuckled. "Cheeky monkey."

The howls of agony filled the hospital wing of the prison.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

"Ok, the book says: "the blokes are a friendly people in Four Ecks, and they will greet you by saying "G'day mate," and you reply by saying "G'day Bruce."

"Interesting," said Nick. "Then what?"

Octavia flipped the page back and forth then shrugged; the pamphlet titled "How to Speak XXXX Mate!" didn't seem to cover conversational XXXXian. "It's not pronounced Ecks Ecks Ecks Ecks, it's Four Ecks, or as the locals call it for short, Ecksas, and the locals call themselves Ecksans." {DO NOT say Texas without a T, the local ecksans will "crack the shits" and "have a go at you" {{but that is how it's pronounced}}}

As they hiked through the cavernous bookshelves Octavia began to notice a sound following them... it sounded like a brick sliding across a concrete floor coming from behind and above them. "It doesn't say what to say next."

"Then what's a bloke?" asked Nick as he tried to step into Octavia's line of sight.

"It doesn't say that either," she said waving the pamphlet under Nick's chin, "and you're hiding something from me."

"I take offense to that accusation!" said Nick with faux offense as he moved to hide what was behind him from Octavia.

Octavia's expression soon began to soften. "I'm sorry," she whispered as tears slowly filled her huge brown eyes. She stepped up to him, her fingers traced the buttons on his shirt as she sadly whispered, "I just want you to remember that I never wanted to hurt you..." then peaking over his shoulder she said, "... and I'm also taller than you."

"Most people are."

"Nick honey," she whispered softly, her eyes were now gentle, their noses almost touching, her lips came closer and closer to his, "...why is there a gargoyle following us?" She drew back slightly, her face now covered with a smug smile, pleased with herself that she easily fooled him, which allowed her to peek over his shoulder.

"Gula wanted to come with, and I told her it was OK if she could keep up..." and quick as a wink he leaned forward and stole a quick kiss. Now he was the one pleased with himself for drawing her in close enough for a kiss.

Octavia huffed in anger - how dare he steal a kiss from her! And why did he wait so long? And oh yeah, what about the gargoyle... and he called it a she? "Her name is Gula?"

"Yes... isn't she cute?"

Gula was now hanging from a bookshelf posed like a rooftop gargoyle, hanging out as far as she could, her mouth wide open ready to drain rainwater from the bookshelf and siphon off any moss, lichen, or dead animals for a snack. Gula's eyes were fixed on Octavia and Octavia was sure she saw Gula's eyebrow waggle at her. With a sigh Octavia said "Ok, but she has to keep up, we're on a timeline."

"Thank you," said Nick with a happy grin, he was beginning to really like Gula. His reverie was interrupted by an abrupt kiss from Octavia.

"There, we're even. Let's get going," and she led the party of three through the stacks.

"What exactly are we doing?" asked Nick.

"There were eight great spells that created the discworld," explained Octavia, "One caused eight eggs to hatch and now our world is being followed by eight tiny discworlds each on the back of four elephant calves riding on a baby turtle."

"I was told that the world was round, like a ball, spinning through space," said Nick, "and if you could go as far as you want in any direction and you would end up right back where you started."

Octavia tried to hold back her laughter and Gula was making a sound that resembled rocks being dropped into a pile one by one. Octavia finally said, "that sounds so dangerous! Centrifugal force would throw you off into space before you got anywhere."

Nick thought about it and frowned; the roundworld theory did sound pretty silly once you applied science to it. "So, what are we doing?"

"The eight spells created the world and a series of baby worlds, we need to set the baby worlds free, to head out to grow, to hide in the nebula where they can eat and remain safe, or they'll be stuck in their mother's shadows forever, like college freshmen who never advance except we don't have a basement for them to live in.

Nick considered it, and the consequences were too terrible to imagine. Their beautiful world being held in stasis by eight little emotional anchors...

Octavia continued, "Trapped in our wake like this they are a prime target for a planet killer."

It was too horrible to contemplate. "What do we do?" asked Nick.

"We perform the rite of Prose Mino. We have to collect the three parts of the spell from the three university libraries, then we perform the combined spell from Krull. We already have the second part, I copied it down in the Unseen University library. We search in XXXX to get the third part, then we travel to Pseudopolis to get the first part, they should be right there in their university libraries. After that we go to Krull, step out on Tähelepanek Point, cast the spell and Kong's your uncle! The world is saved." {Kong is the Librarian's stepbrother, he's a magnate somewhere.}

"I'm so proud of you," said Nick as he put his arms around Octavia from behind and held her close. She was so warm and so soft with curves in all the right places... he found himself holding her tight, grinding his cock into her ass, and Octavia found herself grinding her ass back at Nick, his hand was so close to her breast... But no! They have a rite to perform, they don't have time for this...

With a sigh Octavia said, "Wait here, I need to check directions, don't go anywhere! If you get lost I have no way of finding you." And with that she disappeared into a side aisle. Nick and Gula looked at each other in confusion, but before the fear of being abandoned set in, Octavia came back, a huge smile of relief on her face. "We're on course," she said happily and tugged Nick onward.

Soon they emerged from the rows of shelves into an area in front of a librarian's desk. The desk had a line of what appeared to be empty beer cans and a couple of glass boxes filled with brightly colored pieces of pasteboard and each box had a sign advertising the Bugarup University lottery. Behind the desk was a series of shelves on a credenza but instead of containing books they had a series of bottles that appeared to be different types of liquor.

A smiling man stood behind the bar, he had a beard like a wizard and robes like a wizard, but his wizard hat was quite different. It came to a point but wasn't nearly as tall as a common wizard's hat, and instead of stars and other mystical symbols, this hat appeared to be decorated with labels peeled off of beer bottles. One side of the wide, flat brim was folded straight upwards and there were corks hanging from strings all around the brim of his hat. The wizard stood behind the desk; he was wiping the desktop with a rag. The oddest thing about him was that he had a smile; wizards in Ankh-Morpork don't smile. {No one does} "G'day mates!" said the wizard cheerfully.

Octavia opened her pamphlet and read out, "G'day Bruce."

"Strewth! That's me, Bruce Dinkum," grinned the Ecksan librarian, he folded back his lapel showing his Master Librarian badge. In response Octavia revealed her Senior Master Librarian badge. Smiling they gave each other the secret Librarian's Salute {the right index finger is held to the lips} "I can tell from your accent you blokes must be from Ankh-Morpork." As for himself, Bruce's accent was so thick you could cut it with a chainsaw; the way he chewed on his vowels made translating his words into language a chore for Octavia.

"He thinks I'm a bloke," whispered Nick with a chuckle, thinking that a bloke was a racial distinction.

Octavia pressed on ignoring Nick's stifled giggling. "I'm Façade Incognito and this is my associate, Porter Strongback. We are doing a paper on Multi-theistic Amphibology and need more info on the Rite of Prose Mino to finish our work."

"Crikey! Keep it down mate!" said Bruce indicating a group of wizards at a table behind him with a jerk of his thumb. "It's London to a brick that the boys will throw a wobbly hearing talk like that, especially coming from a Sheila."

Furiously flipping through her pamphlet Octavia discovered that he said that he was certain that the men behind him sitting at a table covered with empty beer bottles and cans will become upset over something said by a woman. She lowered her voice and said, "I'm sorry that I mentioned the Rite of Prose Mino."

Bruce leaned close and said softly, "Nah, it ain't that, it's the W word. Th' boys ain't here in th' library to work, they're here to avoid work, y'know, ta knock back five or six tallies and whinge about th' pommy freshmen."

This time Octavia didn't try to translate, she was pretty sure this had something to do with beer. In fact, most of the slang in her translation pamphlet had something to do with beer - or vomiting. She handed the pamphlet to Nick who used it to fan the flies away from his face, and said in an equally quiet voice, "I need to find a book... the Tome of Inverse Disambiguation."

Bruce nodded and said, "let me see if it was checked out first," and he took a large wooden box marked "Checked Out" from the credenza covered with bottles of hard liquor behind him, placed it on the desk and opened it up. It was clear to see that there was only one small card inside the box. He inspected the card and said, "Yep, checked out. Bruce has it."

"Bruce?" asked Octavia.

"Bruce Bockschecker, he's the new Assistant Vice Dean of Thaumistic Sustainability and a bit of a bogan if you ask me." Seeing the confused look on Octavia's face, the librarian explained, "his dad has moolah. Heaps and heaps of moolah. He became a wizard and suddenly there's a position in the faculty available."

"Just like magic," frowned Octavia.

"He's not the full quid, but he can't hurt anyone. He'll probably be at his hunting station." Bruce took a piece of parchment, a quill and ink and began to write. "I'll give you directions."

Nick starred at the pamphlet, his brow furrowed in concentration, and he finally said, "Thanks, c-c-cobber."

Octavia whirled and gasped, he read that! He found that word and read it out loud without anyone's help. When they met a little over a dozen days ago he couldn't read a word, and here he not only read one out loud, but he also searched for and found a specific word out of a list of words. He wasn't some dumb gutter kid, learning to read like that takes some mental horsepower.

As Octavia was overwhelmed with pride and surprise, Bruce handed her the directions to Bruce's hunting station. "It's not exactly the back of Bourke, but it's not within cooee either." Then he placed two huge cans on the bar, both cans emblazoned with the symbol of their country - XXXX. "Care for a tinnie? Y' know, a roadie?"

"What' is that?" asked Nick.

"Down heeh, it's how we say beeh."

After Octavia and Nick took the cans and left another wizard stepped up to the librarian's desk and slapped a one moolah coin on the desk, "A coldie, mate."

Bruce placed a tallie on the desktop and said, "Cheers, Bruce."

As Bruce lifted the huge beer to his lips, a drunk in the corner called out, "Oi!" causing Bruce to put another moolah coin on the desk. "Get me another one for me mate Bruce."

Bruce opened another tallie and handed it to Bruce. "Here's a cold one for Bruce," said Bruce.

"So, the visitors... their names weren't Bruce?" asked Bruce.

"Nah, it were Façade an' sumpin else... Porter," said Bruce as he put the moolah in the cash box.

"Won't that be a bit confusing?" Bruce looked perplexed.

"They're already confused," said Bruce the Librarian sadly. "The one bloke is clearly not a wizard, and the other bloke clearly is a wizard, but he's also a Sheila so she's not a wizard."

"Which one was that?" asked Bruce the Wizard.

"The one with the nice cans."

"Too right, her disguise spell didn't do much to hide those norks, did it."

"Nah, notta tall..." Bruce thought for a moment then asked, "That one bloke, the bloke that was a bloke, d'ya think he knows there's a gargoyle hanging on to his backpack?"

"Ehhh, prolly not, but he's ok, for a seppo..."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

The small team which contained one wizard that wasn't a wizard because he wasn't a bloke, and one short bloke who revealed no past soon discovered just how far "not exactly the back of Bourke, but not within cooee" was, which turned out to be a two day hike. The directions that Bruce gave them were clear:

"Walk to the tree. Once you're at the tree you will see two more trees, walk to the tree on the left. From there head to the river. Follow the river hubwards, the station cabin is on the banks of the river."

They stepped out of the library which was on the edge of the university campus and looked in all directions and soon they spotted it, the only tree they could see was far off in the distance, shimmering in the heat waves, a dead tree.

"When did you learn to read?" Octavia' asked as they stepped out across the parched grassland.

"It isn't easy, but your dad helped. He cast a spell on me that helps me remember when I get something right."

"He just did that?"

"Well... I went to him after we first met and told him that education was pretty important to you, and I never got any, so I asked him for help and he gave me what he called a tutorial spell."

"I could have done that for you," said Octavia.

"Yes, but I wanted to do it for you, I didn't want you to think I was such a dummy."

"I don't think of you that way," she insisted softly.

"I think of me that way," said Nick, and he was silent for a long time as they walked. They were well out of sight of Bugarup University when Gula hopped off of his backpack and followed along in her odd "now you see me, now you don't" style of movement. Occasionally she would dig a shallow hole in the sandy soil and squat over it then a few minutes later she would cover it over with dirt - it was that time of the millennia after all.

Eventually Octavia stopped and when Nick drew up alongside of her she held his hand and wordlessly they began to walk together, more together than Nick had felt with anyone in his life. "Thank you," Nick eventually whispered.

"For what?"

Nick gently squeezed her hand and said, "for caring."

Octavia couldn't fathom not caring or not being cared about. Yes, she was a foundling dropped off in the dark of the night by a stranger she in another circumstance may have called "mother," but she was taken in by a long limbed, hair covered simian with the brain of a lonely, caring man who desperately dreamed of being a grandfather. In order to be able to continually stave off the monthly Apocalypses that the wizards of the Unseen University routinely initiate and protect her from magical fallout he had to find help and shelter for her. Octavia found herself growing up in a series of caring homes and passed reluctantly from one loving librarian to the next as tradition soon dictated on a rotating basis.

How does she tell this man that if he proves to be The One that he has not one but a series of potential fathers-in-law that he must pass muster with before he can Pop The Question? Would he run screaming into the night at the thought? And why is she thinking about this? She's never considered this before she met Nick.

She pondered this question over and over and before she realized it they reached the tree that they had seen far in the distance. From a distance it looked quite dead but close up she could see that it had leaves but only at the very end of the branches and on the tree were two small creatures that looked like children's toys that sat on branches on opposite sides of the tree thoughtfully chewing on the leaves they could reach.

"What are those?" asked Nick.

"I think those are the drop bears that the pamphlet mentioned."

"They don't look fierce."

"What's that noise?" asked Octavia. "It's coming from your backpack." The noise sounded like bricks being across a cobblestone street.

"I think that's Gula," said Nick. "I don't think she likes them. There's the next tree." He pointed off into the distance. There was a tree far off at the edge of sight but he was pointing to the left of that.

Octavia squinted and saw something in the far distance, but she wasn't sure what it was. She decided to trust Nick and said, "let's go look." She shrugged off her little pink and purple backpack, reached in and pulled out her walking stick, however instead of it being just a meter long walking stick, it was now a full two meters long, a full-fledged wizard's staff. She shrugged her backpack back on and said, "here, hold my arm."

Nick grabbed her arm, and she urged him to hold on tight, then she started muttering under her breath. Suddenly there was a rush of light blue and light brown, a blast of hot dry air and they were there. They were three feet off the ground, but they were there, they had traveled the entire distance in the matter of a moment. A large tree picked clean of leaves stood to their right and they thudded to a hot, sweaty landing in a cloud of dust.

They sat up amid Gula's squawking and Nick's coughing up dust. "Why didn't we do that the first time?" asked Nick. "We covered about 20 miles! That's... Octavia?" The hourglass shaped wizardress wasn't conscious. Nick was still clinging to her arm, so he lowered her down to the ground. "Octavia?" he patted her cheek because that's what he saw in a moving picture at a theater, it was a clickie with Victor Maraschino and Delores de Syn and every time Delores de Syn fainted, Victor Maraschino would pat her cheek and she would wake up. It happened at least twice in every clickie he saw.

Nick patted Octavia's cheeks, but she didn't regain consciousness. He sat down next to her and found to his great relief that she was breathing regularly and deeply, which he hoped was a good sign.

"It is."

He looked around and there was no one. There was him, Octavia who was unconscious, and Gula who was currently standing under the tree looking up, mouth wide open, claws bared, daring any drop bear to try her patience. There was also Octavia's walking stick who was standing nearby staring at Nick without any eyes, if it did have a face, it would have an expression that would clearly say "What. The. Fuck."

Just then Octavia rolled on to her side and wrapped her arms around Nick's leg, then she muttered something unintelligible and started to snore. "She wore herself out bringing you this far. If it were just me and her, she would have made it to Bruce Bockschecker's hunting station, got the spell gathered up and would have been back in Ankh-Morpork by now."

"Look, stick, it appears that I'm..."

"I have a name you know!" insisted Octavia's walking stick, her wooden voice rang in Nick's head like a finely tuned marimba.

"I'm sorry," said Nick, "what is it?"

The stick fussed and fumed... it really didn't have a name, but Nick didn't know that. "Why should I tell you? I've been by her side for years, it's not important that you know my name." If the stick had a back, she would have turned it on Nick.

Nick interrupted the stick. "You're right it's not. What's important is that we get along. You and I are here to help her in every way possible and if we can do that together she'll be the most powerful wizard..."

"She's not a wizard!" shrieked the stick, "She's an enchantress! How can she enchant anyone if you're following her around like some sad mute puppy!"

"I didn't know..." gasped Nick out loud. An enchantress? He had never heard of such a thing, but it sounded very important. He fumbled and stumbled for something to say but the stick saw that it now had the advantage.

"I bet you thought that she actually liked you, didn't you," demanded the stick.

"I thought... I like her..." Nick was lost and confused.

"Nick the Brick Nicker, that's all you were to her, someone to carry her luggage, why do you think you have such a big pack and she carries a small pack? You're just a mule to her!"

Suddenly his entire world collapsed in on itself. He ruined everything, his mother is dead because of him, at least that's what his drunken father said when he kicked Nick out on to the streets at the age of five. He didn't want anything horrible to befall Octavia and there's only one way to fix that. He set his pack next to her, so she had something to snuggle with, the whole time the stick taunted him and reminded him of every failure in his life. He heard a coughing sob at his side. Looking down he saw Gula trying to follow him. He crouched down and whispered, "No Gula, the stick is right, I need to go. You stay here with Miss Octavia; you need to protect her from the drop bears. Ok? Once she's done her Rite of Prose Mino and the baby turtles are safe, you come find me, ok? Now no crying, you have to be happy for Miss Octavia."

Ignoring the taunts and jeers of the walking stick he gazed at the face of the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, now even more beautiful in the starlight. Silently wishing her luck he leaned over and gently kissed her lips. Then he stood and walked off into the night.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

As the sun rose and began to bake the XXXX landscape, Octavia woke to a horrible squealing and growling, the noise was deafening, and why was she using Nick's backpack as a pillow? And why is Gula shouting "Die! Die! Die!" at something? She looked toward the source of the noise and discovered that Gula had something furry pinned to the ground. The little stone gargoyle had a drop bear by the throat, and she was trying to kill the fuzzy little intruder.

"Gula! Let the little bear up!"

"NO! DIE DIE DIE!" (it came out "Oh! Eye eye eye!")

"Gula please!" Octavia tried to get Gula to release her grip but the gargoyle was shrieking and crying and all she told Octavia was "Nick say"

Reluctantly Gula stopped trying to kill the little bear and loosened her grip around the drop bear's throat and the drop bear wriggled its way free. With a kick from the drop bear Gula rolled over onto her back and stopped with her claws in the air, and the drop bear shuffled back to the tree. Gula changed her mind and took off after it giving Octavia the chance to see the gargoyles "stop action" method of locomotion that amused Nick so much. Smiling at Gula's motion, Octavia opened Nick's pack to grab a bottle of water, then she noticed that Gula was trembling.

"Gula relax, it was just a drop bear!" She searched Nicks pack and suddenly realized that except for the water he gave her yesterday as they walked, every bottle of water that Nick carried was untouched. "Why didn't he drink any?" she asked aloud, and that's when Gula started whining. It was a piercing klaxon call, ear splitting in its volume and heart breaking in its sorrow.

"Iiik av ii or oo!" {Nick saved it for you}

"What do you mean... he saved it all for me?"

A gargoyle cannot close their mouth because of the way they were created. A Gargoyle is an ornamental drain vent, and a drain vent with a closed mouth is utterly useless. Gula's mouth was still open but it was drawn down in sorrow, her eyes were leaking tears as she wailed.

"Aw geez, we gotta put up with that again?" whined the walking stick.

"What do you mean "again"?" Octavia whirled on the stick.

"Ick faid a fick wuf ite," {Nick said the stick was right} wept Gula, "Faid I atta oh." {said I gotta go} Not having a tongue or being able to close your mouth limits conversations.

Octavia sighed as she tried to comfort the weeping stone effigy. She didn't understand a word that Gula was saying without reading her mind... and Nick is able to understand what Gula says with great ease, it's almost like he's... shit. How could she miss that? "Gula honey, did the stick say anything to Nick?"

"Gargoyles are known liars," said the walking stick.

Octavia ignored that. Although it was handy having a walking stick that could keep pace with you, that damn stick could be such a jealous bitch. "Gargoyles can't lie, they were never told how to," said Octavia. Gargoyles interactions with humans are limited, they were only made to drain rainwater away from the sides of gothic structures, not hold conversations, and only the gargoyles of the Unseen University have soaked up enough magical radiation to reach a state of sentience. She asked again, "Gula honey, did the stick say anything to Nick?"

Gula considered Octavia's question then shrugged her shoulders, "I ont owe."

"Did Nick ever talk to the stick, honey?"

"Uh huh. Ee uz add."

"He was sad?"

"Uh huh. Ee had oo owe."

"He had to go?"

"Uh huh." Then the sniffling started.

Octavia rose and whirled on the walking stick that was now starting to back up. "You had an argument with Nick," snarled the enchantress, "didn't you."

"We may have exchanged a few unpleasant pleasantries."

"The whole time you were exchanging pleasantries with a mundane you didn't notice that he could hear you?"

The subject here is not telepathy because ESP does not exist on the discworld. The strong magic field on the discworld acts as radio interference to the mind reader, it would cause mental tinnitus. What Octavia was talking about was magical communication, a form of using magic to read over your target's mental shoulder. This didn't involve brain waves; this was a feat that only a few very powerful wizards and a depressingly large number of magical items could do. And it's very rare that a "mundane" a non-magic user could fathom the process.

The walking stick stumbled as it backed away, having no mouth or ears it could only communicate magically, a talent all items made of sapient pearwood have, but since very few humans have it, the sapient pearwood devices have a highly entertaining life reading any mind they want and ignoring minds that they should pay attention to. The only way Nick could have heard the walking stick was if he were magically well endowed, something only the most powerful wizards are... or a small child that spent two decades soaking up magical radiation along with the gargoyles. The only thing that she knows about Nick's life is that he was a street urchin his whole life, and he spent his whole life right there next to UU.

The stick finally said, "The whole time we were walking from Bugarup University to this gawd forsaken place you two didn't say a word, you need someone supportive of you." If the stick had arms, it would be holding them up trying to shield itself from Octavia's high voltage glare.

"We had wonderful conversations walking out here, and you didn't hear a word?"

"I ehinh" {I didn't} said Gula.

Octavia thought about it, then realized she didn't hear anything either, she just now realized that their conversations were all silent, they were whispers in each other's heads, how did she miss that?

"Of course not, that would be rude... ack!" Octavia got the stick in a death grip - an angered fist at each end of the stick and a knee pressing against the middle. "Stop!" cried the stick, then it tried to bargain with Octavia. "Do you know what happens if you break a piece of sapient pearwood in half?"

"Yeah, I get two pieces of sapient pearwood."

"Uh yeah, you get... but the resale value goes way down."

"Show me what happened between you and Nick," snarled Octavia as she pulled back on each end of the walking stick.

"I'm not a video camera!" squawked the stick.

"SHOW ME!" demanded Octavia who had no idea what a video camera was, but she knew what snapping wood fibers sounded like and she projected to the stick exactly what that sounded like.

"OK!" shrieked the stick and suddenly Octavia saw Nick looking at her, but this was last night when he was looking at the stick. "What's important is that we get along. You and I are here to help her in every way possible and if we can do that together she'll be the most powerful wizard..."

Then the stick replied, "She's not a wizard! She's an enchantress! How can she enchant anyone if you're following her around like some sad mute puppy... Nick the Brick Nicker, that's all you were to her, someone to carry her luggage, why do you think you have such a big pack and she carries a small pack? You're just a mule to her!"

Octavia choked, she and Nick tussled over that pack, he insisted on making sure she had everything she could possibly need while she only wanted to bring a change of clothing and some dried fruit to munch on. Then she saw an emotionally shattered Nick talking to a crying gargoyle "No Gula, the stick is right, I need to go. You stay here with Miss Octavia; you need to protect her from the drop bears. Ok? Once she's done her Rite of Prose Mino and the baby turtles are safe, you come find me, ok? Now no crying, you have to be happy for Miss Octavia."

She saw the stick emotionally abuse the man she loved as he walked off into the desert, knowing full well he will not survive. "You fucking BITCH!" Octavia threw the walking stick as far as she could javelin style and it landed head down in the sand with its little feet waving around in the glaring morning sun. Her anger wasn't spent but for the moment it was all she could do. Octavia sagged to her knees in the desert sun and tried not to cry, which only made it worse. She found herself comforting Gula scratching the stone creature behind the wings. "Come on girl, let's go find Nick." Gula coughed an "Ok" and they gathered up the two back packs and headed off into the desert.

<><><><><>

They walked all day and luckily there was little wind, so Nicks footprints were not blown away but on the other hand the lack of a breeze made it incredibly hot for Octavia. She soon tore off most of her robes and ended up wearing a light skirt and a strip of cloth to bind her large breasts. Being a creature of Ankh-Morpork and never far from the always cold and damp roof of the Tower of Art, Gula was very hot, but she wasn't sure whether she was comfortable or not.

At some point the stick freed itself and caught up with them. "Ok, let's say we started off this morning on the wrong foot... Tempers flared... words were exchanged... awk!" Octavia grabbed the stick and threw it even farther.

About an hour later the walking stick caught up with her and said, "Let me say that I am sorry for any misunderstandings."

"How do we know that you won't do it again?"

"By the way I don't do it again?"

"You can stay with us, but I have work for you to do," declared Octavia with a snarl from Gula.

"Anything."

"First, find Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Stein," ordered Octavia.

"Who?"

"Ooo?" echoed Gula.

"NICK!" shrieked Octavia, "his name is Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Stein!"

"Ok, you don't have to shout, I'm not petrified you know."

"Need I say the magic word?" asked Octavia.

"That would be nice," responded the stick clearly expecting to hear her say "Please."

"Kindling."

Without a pause the stick responded, "zero point seven nine leagues rimward, ninety three degrees widdershins."

Octavia took her eoiter {a compass whose octiron needle always points toward the hub. There are knobs to adjust for Turnwise {{eastward-ish}} and Widdershins {{westward-ish}}} and pondered the direction that the stick gave her. She pointed the walking stick rimward and said "You say he went that way..."

"Uh huh."

She then pointed the stick a bit more to the right, "but his footprints go that way."

"They did," said the stick, "until he met the dingaroos."

"Dingaroos..." Octavia didn't need that pamphlet that she and Nick had been using to learn about Ecksas, she remembered reading about dingaroos. They were giant carnivorous rabbits that carried off children in their pouches and they had no problem hunting down and dining on adults. "Come on Gula!" she called as she strapped the large backpack to the walking stick. "We need to run!"

"I am not luggage!" protested the walking stick.

"In that case imagine a marshmallow stuck on your head being slowly roasted to a golden brown over an open fire."

"You need to pull that strap a little tighter, I would hate to lose that pack if we had to run."

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As the sun came up earlier in the day Nick became aware of two things. One was that it was getting warmer and even though the tiny sun had just risen above the horizon, and he noticed that the brush on that horizon burst into flame, that was never a good sign. What had happened during the night was a pachylapis - a slow motion earthquake caused by the shifting of an elephant. It was theorized that as the tiny sun orbits the discworld it will on occasion get close to one of the elephants and its proximity startles the snoozing elephant and he draws back from the sun. His movement raises his section of the disc, which causes that portion of the disc to be closer to the sun as it passes over until the elephant settles down.

Often that was the case, but now there is something out there that terrified the elephants, and it just discovered the discworld.

Light moves slowly on the discworld, imagine invisible glowing syrup that warms and lights the world. It pours out of the sun and oozes across the landscape slowly filling ravines and valleys before moving on to the next field or prairie. In mountainous locales the sun is high in the sky but the area is dark up to early evening because of all the valleys that have to be filled. Because of this, winter can be confusing for poor hinterland creatures like deer and peasants. {That's not a spelling error, there's poor farmhands that live in the woodlands here on the discworld}

But here in the wide open spaces of XXXX, when the great beast Jerakeen raised up which lifted his corner of the world, he created a downhill run for the oozing, sleepy light. Great globs of light accelerated across the Four Ecksian desert and continued to accelerate as it went. The tsunamillumination roared across the desert scattering tiny wingless birds and dozing drop bears in its passage. The light wave had a full head of steam when it hit a line of hills and squirted through a gap in the hills like a sudden case of... {not to be too graphic but anyone who has eaten at a questionable Turkish restaurant knows exactly what I mean}, its force was multiplied like water squirting through a nozzle. It shot through the gap fiercely illuminating everything in its path, eventually colliding into an exhausted, sleepwalking Nick. It blasted into him with a force that sounded like a cold porkchop thrown against a wall and lifted him on a wave of heat and light which eventually dropped him two furlongs away in the center of a group of the tallest, meanest looking rabbits he's ever seen.

The dingaroos began to lean down and sniff the new morsel that was dropped in their midst and Nick froze in terror. He began looking for a possible exit when a familiar voice said, "Come on guys, leave the kid alone, he's new here."

The dingaroos looked around for the source of the voice as did Nick, but they didn't find anything. Then Nick heard in his ear a whispered voice, "hey buddy, when I say break, you hoof it out of here as fast as you can, ok?"

"Yeah, I guess..."

"BREAK!"

The call came as loud as a gunshot in his ear, but Nick took off running as fast as he could. He chose to dash straight into the group of dingaroos, he was already facing that direction and maybe forcing them to turn around would cost them some time, and he was right. As Nick sprinted he noticed a small wire hair terrier running between the dingaroos legs singing, "Nyah, Nyah, can't catch me!"

"I must be going crazy!" he said as he sprinted out into the desert as fast as he could run.

"Shut up and run!" came the mystery voice as a small wire haired terrier shot past him. Hearing the thumping of the dingaroos behind him Nick obeyed the voice and began running as fast as he could. Sadly, except for a couple of short breaks, he's been moving non-stop for over twenty four hours without food or water and his body let him know that he was completely spent by locking up and he crashed to the ground and he rolled to a stop.

He heard that voice saying, "Come on, get up!"

"I can't," Nick gasped, "I can't move... I can't even lift my head... Gaspode, old friend... You go on."

Nick looked up and as his vision started to fade he heard the snarling of the dingaroo, he saw the mouth full of teeth, a set of ivory knives snapped at him, a set of forepaws pressed his shoulders into the sand. Nick noticed a tall figure standing over him wearing black shrouds, its eyes were two tiny blue suns that burned through to his soul and it leaned over as Nick whispered to it. "Tell Octavia that I love her... please?" he said through dry cracked lips.

The figure in black looked at Nick in surprise, it was shocked that Nick could see him, Nick was not a wizard, but then he may be something else. "I'M NOT DUE TO SEE HER FOR A VERY LONG TIME," said the anthropomorphous personification of Death. As Nick drifted into unconsciousness all he could think of was that he was happy Octavia wasn't there to see this. A small dog was barking and snapping at the dingaroo that pinned Nick to the dirt but Nick knew nothing about it, which was lucky because that's when the sheep hit the sand.

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Nick covered more distance than Octavia expected. They walked all day and every time they checked his location with the walking stick, the stick gave them a new direction, and said "He's moving, sorry."

It was evening before they heard a dog barking in the distance, a few left-over pools of sludgy discworld light shown here and there, reflecting on a creature that Octavia had never seen before. It was a dingaroo. Dingaroos stand six feet tall and they're enthusiastically carnivorous, if you ignore the fangs they are kind of cute until they show you how hungry they are. It was snow white, one end had a big fluffy round tail the size of a beachball, the other end had a cute pink nose, long floppy ears and teeth, lots and lots of long, pointy teeth. It was one of the most dangerous of its kind CBD - Cute But Deadly. Its massive rear legs were powerful enough to collapse any door with a single kick, and whatever obstacle it couldn't kick down, those huge white teeth could slash their way through it. {The dingaroo is the equivalent of a round world dingo or outback wolf crossed with a kangaroo and a bunny. Like the drop bear it has no natural predators, and currently no unnatural predators are signing up for training.}

The dingaroo appeared to be nipping at something laying on the ground, but the little dog was doing a good job fending it off. "Bark! Yap! Bark! Bark! Yap!" The little dog wasn't barking or yapping, it was shouting the word "Bark" punctuated with the occasional word "Yap." Unfortunately, this dog has a Morporkian accent, so the word "Bark" came out "Bahk."

Gula could see what was happening better than Octavia could in this gloom {gargoyles have advanced visual abilities because hanging off the edge of roofs they have nothing more to do that watch} and she growled "IIIIIIIK!" {Nick!} and she leapt off of the backpack that was tied to the walking stick.

Gargoyles have two methods of locomotion; one is an odd stop-motion method that only gargoyles that had been saturated in the intense magical field of a magical university have attained. Very few people have actually seen gargoyles move like that, and of those people who have seen it only a very few have the patience to see it again. Only the Four Ecksan drop bear is slower. The other form of locomotion is falling, which all gargoyles can do, but gargoyles from the Unseen University can fall in any direction.

An accelerating dust cloud marked her passage as she raced across the desert floor. Gula fell horizontally moving faster and faster until she collided with the dingaroo. Hit with a 25 pound stone statue traveling at 92 MPH, the vicious six foot tall rabbit went down like a paper sack full of chunky style raspberry jelly dropped from a ten story tower.

The tall figure in black shrouds cast his cobalt blue eyes on Nick and if it had lips they would have been drawn up in admiration. Death folded up his scythe and referred to a Four Ecks slang pamphlet then said, "YOU ARE ZERO FOR TWO TODAY... GOOD ON YA MATE." Happy that he could use the local vernacular he mounted his white stallion named Binkie and said, "I WILL BE BACK SHORTLY BLOKE." Death is never wrong, he is simply death, and sometimes people get close to him and talk about the experience later. Death slowly turned his head and saw what appeared to be a female wizard walking toward him. He jabbed his heels into Binkie causing the great white mare to rear up in a vain attempt to impress Octavia, then he was off.

Octavia and her walking stick finally arrived to find Gula sitting next to a small dog, both sitting next to a horribly injured Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Stein. The little statue was beside herself with frustration, her attempts to help her friend with her stone claws only caused more injuries. The little dog sat next to her uncertain what to do now. This is usually when he gets kicked. "Whimper, whimper, whine, whine."

The dog didn't whimper or whine, it said the words whimper and whine.

Ignoring the dog for now, Octavia took a shirt out of the backpack and tore the sleeves off and used them for bandages. She then took the strip of cloth that was binding her breasts and tore it into strips. When she took off the binder and freed her large breasts somebody whistled. Octavia glanced up and saw Gula staring at the dog in shock. With a stifled smile she went back to work binding Nick's injuries and wondered what Nick's assessment of her breasts would be.

"What's that noise?" came the mystery voice again.

Octavia looked up and saw the small terrier licking the dingaroo blood off of Gula and she was making a noise that sounded like pouring gravel into a cement lined bucket. "She's purring. I think she likes you."

"Eww." But that didn't stop the dog from licking the now grinning gargoyle.

"What happened here?" asked Octavia. When no one said anything, she turned to the dog and said, "What happened?"

"Me? I-I'm just a dog, I can't talk."

"Then do the best with what you have, Gaspode."

"How... how did you know?" but the woman gave Gaspode the Wonder Dog a smile of such beauty that he fell in love with her {as much as a dog can}.

"We'll talk about it when we can be alone," she said gently nodding her head toward a walking stick standing next to the weeping gargoyle. Being a magical being, Gaspode recognized the magical properties of the stick and with an actual dog-style whimper he lay down and watched the woman work on the man he once knew as a boy. As she gently washed the mud, blood, and sheep shit from the injured man, Gaspode saw the love in her eyes and saw... other things. He's not interested in human physiognomy or their physiology, but two things are now for sure, if he ever comes back as a human, he's definitely going to be a "breast man."

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"G'day mate!"

Nick slowly opened his eyes, but everything was blurry and one of his eyes wouldn't open. He muttered "G'day Bruce." His entire body ached, like an entire flock of sheep had been tap dancing on his body, from head to foot, which was a very accurate assessment.

"How are ya feelin' mate?"

In Ankh-Morpork there's two answers to that question, "Chewed up and spit out" which generally means "Not so bad" and "Chewed up and shit out" which generally means "Not so good." But this time Nick chose something he never, ever said before. "I feel bad," which in Ankh-Morpork is generally heard on a deathbed.

"Well mate, ya autta. Y' been run ragged, baked by th' sun, chase down by a packa dingaroos, stomped near to death in a sheep stampede, then chewed up by a nuther dingaroo." Nick was helped to a sitting position and was told, "here, drink this, it'll help ya sleep. Sleep is what's gunna heal ya up more'n anything."

Nick was reluctant to sip what was ever in the cup held to his lips but a strangely familiar voice said, "It's ok, I sniffed it." Thus reassured, Nick drank the potion which tasted sweet and fruity but something in the background of its flavor told him that he was going back to sleep for a very long time.

"Here, now, drink this up, it's got vitamins and minerals and will help with dehydration." And an opened can was held to his lips, and he drank deeply. He didn't realize how thirsty he was until he started drinking. The draught was bitter, but he wanted as much as he could drink, and his host obliged him as much as he wanted.

After drinking three entire cans of the elixir marked XXXX, his host laid Nick back on the bed and he thanked his host with a loud, long, raucous belch. "Yer welcome mate!" came his hosts response, then Nick tried to discern the source of the familiar voice to his side, but he was soon asleep.

"How is he doing?" Octavia nervously asked Bruce Bockschecker, doctor of Adscititious Cyanthropy and Assistant Vice Dean of Thaumistic Sustainability at Bugarup University.

"He's not cactus, but he sure is crook. The lad was stonkered before the dingaroo and sheep touched him, so it will be a while before he can chuck a sickie."

Octavia fumbled through her translation pamphlet and with the help of Bruce she soon found out that he said that Nick was in serious condition, but he expected Nick to eventually recover. She took her walking stick and whispered to it, she said, "don't make me regret not throwing you on a fire." Then she tucked the walking stick under the covers with Nick which raised a few growls from Gaspode.

"It's ok, she said she'll behave."

"I still don't trust her," grumbled Gaspode. His complaints were echoed by a growl from Gula who hung on an exposed rafter above Nick where she could keep an eye on the comings and goings of those checking on Nick, and strike from above if needed.

As they left the sunny, airy room where Nick was convalescing under the trusty eyes of Gaspode and Gula, Bruce asked Octavia, "Did that dog just say something?"

"Seriously, have you ever heard of a talking dog?"

"Nah, I guess you're right... care for a beer?"

"Don't you Ecksans have anything else to drink?"

"Like what?"

"Water."

Bruce chuckled. "We have water, but it tastes like sheep piss, because the sheep piss in it, the only thing that lives in it is frogs and crocks, and you have to boil it to drink it first... but if you're going to boil it anyway, you might as well make beer."

Seeing the logic in that, Octavia joined Bruce in a tinnie out in the shade of his porch and spent some time enjoying the popular Ecksan hobby of sweating. "This is an interesting ranch you have here."

"Station. Here in Ecksas we call it a station," said Bruce between sips of beer.

"What do you raise here?"

"Sheep."

"At the library Bruce called this a hunting station, what do you hunt here?"

"Sheep."

His answer almost made Octavia spit a mouthful of beer. "Sheep? You hunt sheep?"

"Why not? It never made sense to me to hunt something that's hard to find."

Gaspode joined them and he curled up under Octavia's chair in time to hear her when she asked, "What actually happened to Nick?"

When Bruce didn't say anything, Gaspode said, "Nick stumbled into a pack of dingaroos. We tried to outrun them, but he was exhausted and collapsed. I tried to keep the dingaroos away, but a stampede of sheep came through and scared the dingaroos away, but they injured Nick. When you arrived one of the dingaroos had come back to eat Nick."

Finally, Bruce said, "Nick stumbled into a pack of dingaroos. He tried to outrun them, but he was exhausted and collapsed. A dog tried to keep the dingaroos away, but a stampede of sheep came through and scared the dingaroos away, but they injured Nick. When you arrived one of the dingaroos had come back to eat Nick."

Gaspode whimpered in frustration, every time he says something it seems like some human repeats what he says and takes credit for saying it. But this time, Octavia's slim, elegant hand came down and scratched him behind the ears and she whispered, "I know, you're such a brave dog!" and she gave him a saucer full of beer to drink. What more could a small dog want?

Meanwhile in Nick's bed, the walking stick whispered to Nick in his sleep, and they were both changing. The walking stick was a gift from a librarian to Octavia and soon became a staff, but an enchantress does not need a staff. However, like a wizard's staff the walking stick absorbed the magical knowledge and energy that Octavia shared with it, and now the staff was sharing that knowledge and energy with Nick. As the stick began sharing, it realized that Nick only knew one language, and he didn't know how to read.

"Ok," sighed the walking stick, "Let's start from the beginning, this is the letter A. Words like apple, ant, and aardvark start with A. This is the letter B..."

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The screams of pain from Nick's room were unbearable to Octavia, the stick promised she would keep his pain to a minimum as they rebroke and reset his shattered foot and ankle, but it didn't sound like she was accomplishing anything. "Stay here with me Gula," she said to the horrified looking gargoyle.

"Urt iik!" she complained.

"I know it hurts Nick, but it has to be done or he'll never walk again."

"Whimper, whimper," said Gaspode from her lap which drew some gentle scratching behind his ear.

Finally, Doctor Flexrite and Bruce Bockschecker came out of the room and Bruce said, "You can go see him now, and... someone is going to have to tell him about his eye, he's trying to pull the bandage off."

"Don't. I'll tell him," she said softly. Shuddering in terror she slowly walked into Nick's room and sat Gula on the side table where she immediately fell to her favorite position hanging on an exposed beam in the ceiling where she could watch everything that went on in the room from above.

Nick was pale, and covered in sweat, the pain from having his foot and ankle rebroken and reset was evident, and she wasn't sure whether he was conscious or not. She took his hand and found that he was trembling violently, but he gripped her hand weakly.

"Octavia," he said quietly, "I need you to press on without me. You have a mission to fulfill and I'm holding you back."

"No I need you to..."

"I lost an eye!" Suddenly the room was silent, and it stayed that way for a long moment, then Nick continued. "A sheep stomped on it, I thought I saw lightning, but that was the eyeball popping like a grape... It's been itching and I asked the stick to find out what that means. It's phantom pain, it means my eye is gone." For some reason that hurt him worse than the thought of possibly losing his leg or several of his ribs, both are eventualities which may still happen according to Dr. Flexrite.

"Nick, please... these things will heal..."

"Sweetheart, don't. I know enough to know that I'm just an anchor now. There's no way I can make it back to the library. I can't walk, I can't see... I'm no use to you."

"Whimper, whimper, whine."

"You can take my dog too if you want."

"Gaspode, do you want to come with me?" asked Octavia.

Gaspode huffed and lay his muzzle down on his forepaws. "Not without my pet. It's only fair, you get a pet; I get a pet."

"And what is your pet?" said Octavia as she scritched Gaspode behind the ears. "A dozen or so fleas?"

"I call him, Pommeraie de la Montesquieu."

Nick started shuddering, and it took Octavia a moment to realize that he was laughing. "What's so funny?"

"My dog has me for a pet."

"Well, you're my pet too," she insisted, "and you're coming with. Don't worry how! You're coming with, and that's final."

"My leg will heal," he said. His voice was starting to fade, he was exhausted from the rigorous treatment. "I'll be walking again eventually, but my eye is not going to grow back..." In his mind he realized that with only one eye he can only look at Octavia half as much as he wants.

"No listen, I don't ..."

Nick patted her hand, he was drifting off to sleep and he needed to get his thought out before he slipped under. "Octavia, honey, I... this is all my fault, so let me pay my penance. I..."

"How is it your fault?" she demanded.

"I'm the one who acted based on what a stick told me, I'm a man, not a leaf or a twig or whatever would listen to what a jealous scrap of lumber would say, let alone act on it..."

"I can hear what you're saying," said a muffled voice under Nick's blanket.

Nick ignored what the walking stick said and continued, "I was dumb enough to act on what it said, so I deserve the pain as a lesson to anyone daft enough to listen to a stick."

"I'm right here, you know," said the stick.

"Fair enough," said Octavia. "Unfortunately for you, you are now my apprentice, and if you think this inconvenience is a penance, then you are in for an entire world of surprise."

"Apprentice?" asked Nick and the walking stick at the same time.

"Yes, apprentice. You have a strong magical potential, you can speak with Gula and my walking stick, only someone with the magical potential of a master wizard can do that, and most of those daft monks wandering around in the Unseen University have barely enough magical power to talk to each other let alone a magical being."

"I'll need a staff and robes, and a beard and a pointy hat..."

"You work on the beard, I'll make you a pointy hat, and I bequeath you my walking stick to be your staff..."

The walking stick started to protest but Nick shushed it with a whispered voice, "Quiet, she's on a roll."

"... as soon as you're able to get up and move about we're going to resume OUR mission, in the meantime your staff will continue lessons and will act as your crutch when you are ambulatory. Are there any questions?"

"I don't know if I'm emotionally strong enough to stand by your side with you as you... enchant other men..." whispered Nick.

Octavia leaned close and kissed his cheek, the tear soaked bandage that covered his empty eye socket, and his lips, which she kissed gently again and again, as her hand gently caressed his body traveling lower and lower. "I only have to enchant one man to be an enchantress..." she whispered softly between kisses. "Is it working?"

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"Are you sure you want to go?" asked Bruce. He was sure that Nick could use another month of recuperation before hitting the road again.

"He says he's ready to go," said a voice from under the buckboard seat. Octavia nodded in agreement with the voice.

"Then good on ya mate, have a safe journey."

"How do we get your camel and wagon back to you?" asked Nick.

"When you get to Bugarup, just turn her free, her name is Christina and she'll find her way back to me."

"She's going to find her way all the way back to your station?"

Bruce chuckled. "This entire trip is on my station."

"Thank you again," said Octavia and with a flick of the whip, the camel drawn wagon headed out into the desert.

They rode side by side in silence, just enjoying their closeness, no one wanted to spoil the peace by talking. Even magically they weren't talking, but they were sharing the emotions they were experiencing with each other, which was a conversation on a higher level than what mere words could guarantee. Even the passengers who rode under the seat, Gaspode, Gula, and Mesquite, the name that Nick gave his staff, remained quiet. Mesquite wasn't happy with her name but if she behaves and actually helps Nick and Octavia, he promised her a new name when their mission was complete.

Eventually they came to a special tree out in the vast open stretches of Four Ecks and at Nick's urging Octavia brought the wagon to a stop and set the brake then hopped out and helped Nick down. He placed Gula on the seat so she could see then using Mesquite he limped to the tree and sat down on the ground, and he urged Octavia to lay down beside him and cling to his leg. "There, remember being here?"

"Not really..."

"You had just transported me here, and I didn't realize how much it took out of you, so I sat down here, and you snuggled with me."

"This is pretty nice," said Octavia as she snuggled closer, her arms wrapped around his leg, one hand creeping closer and closer to his cock. Well, she IS an enchantress...

"This was the first time I truly felt accepted by my own kind, ya know, people. Not just tolerated, but someone was happy that I was there with them. Before you it was just me and Gaspode until he was kidnapped."

"Those were the days, right pal?" said Gaspode as he snuggled next to Nick and Octavia.

"Kidnapped?" asked Octavia.

"Mister Marvolo and his Menagerie of Magic," growled Gaspode.

"He stole Gaspode when I was twelve," said Nick, the sorrow and anger coming back like an overwhelming dark shadow.

"I ended up in Howandaland. Every time I got close to Ankh-Morpork I got pulled away."

"I waited for you buddy."

Gaspode was overwhelmed, Nick waited a decade for him, the feeling was overpowering his doggie senses. He decided to lick Nick's face before he started howling.

"What are we doing here?" asked Octavia as she laughed at Gaspode and Nick. She wasn't angry, in fact her butt was numb from the long ride across the desert, this break is what she needs.

"Starting over, if that's ok." He slithered down until he was lying next to her on the ground, their lips inches apart.

"Don't get the idea that this is going to get you out of bring my apprentice," she said as they gently kissed.

"I'm looking forward to serving under you," he said with a kiss, "and atop you," another kiss, "and behind you..."

"mmm, you've been studying inuendo," said Octavia, trying to kiss and laugh at the same time. "I think we're going to make beautiful music together. But this is as far as we go until some more of those wounds healed."

They spent the night sleeping under the stars, their cook fire provided the entertainment and it crackled far into the night as Nick and Octavia slept in each other's arms for the very first time.

The next day they wheeled up to Bugarup, a town whose primary purpose it seemed was to sell beer to the students, staff, and faculty of Bugarup University and when they're not doing that, they watch something called ruggers. It's a team based bloodletting that the locals love. They also love opera so much they built an opera house that looks like a giant box of tissues.

There was a general store just outside the main entrance to the university and Octavia decided to go in and see what they had. "Shopping? What is shopping?" asked Nick, who never had more than a few pence in his pocket at any time.

"Get used to it," grumbled Gaspode under his breath.

Inside she found a set of robes to wear that were just a little risqué. "What do you think?" she asked as she held them up to herself.

"What am I supposed to say?" he asked Gaspode in a whisper.

"Tell her that you think they're beautiful," whispered Gaspode.

"I think they're going to look beautiful on you."

Octavia immediately brightened, she dashed behind a curtain and while she changed, Nick found a hat that went with the hunting robes he was wearing. Meanwhile, Mesquite studied some aboriginal art and soon she had covered herself full length with carvings that matched that art.

After paying for their purchases, they headed across the street to Bugarup University and in particular the library at Bugarup University. It was getting late; classes had finished for the day. The students were in their rooms studying {In Ecksas students conduct studying this way: Drink alcohol, fall down, pass out. Repeat.} The instructors were in the library preparing their lessons for the next day by getting as munted as their students. The beers were flowing, and the faculty was well lubricated when Nick and Octavia strolled into the library trailed by Gaspode. Octavia was wearing a flowing robe that was able to highlight rather than hide her feminine assets.

At first the faculty was hooting and whistling, then they recognized what she was wearing the crowd began to quiet down with gasps of, "Crikey!"

"Bloody 'ell!"

"Strewth!"

"Cor, blimey mate, she's a bloody enchantress!"

"Can you see her robes mate?"

"Well of course I can see them, y' daft twit, I'm still here, aren't I?"

Indeed, Façade Incognito was now wearing the robes of the enchantress, mystical clothing described in the ancient texts that spell doom for the man that cannot see them. Long flowing robes that accentuated the figure of the wearer, sometimes cinched with a belt to follow the waist, other times worn loose where they can hang from the most prominent features of the enchantress's body. Did she purchase the robes of the Enchantress? Or did her magical aura convert the simple robes she found into robes of the Enchantress? It's said that the robes the Enchantress wears look like they should be transparent, but they're not. However, the viewer always has a feeling that if she was standing in just the right light...

Octavia felt the stares of the men as their eyes roamed up and down her body, they couldn't see anything, but her figure and her robes challenged them to try, to look harder and maybe they will see what they desire. She felt their desire and absorbed it, turning their sexual energy into her own magical energy, charging her magical batteries...

But for the poor soul whom she chooses to enchant it is said that he cannot see her robes, to him they're as invisible as the wind {if the wind is outside of Ankh-Morpork} and he no longer has control over his own soul. To him she is as naked as the day she was born, and he thinks that she is all his, when in reality, he is the one that belongs to her. With a crook of her finger, he will leave his life behind to serve the Enchantress.

To Nick, the robes were semi-transparent, her breasts were playing peek-a-boo with his remaining eye, full and round, they jostled with every step she took, her nipples are almost visible, they're in the folds of that diaphanous gown waiting for him. Her ass was constructed of two perfect orbs, orbs that his hands ached to squeeze.

And every time he looked at Octavia, her robes concealed less.

Nick was wearing a set of wizard robes that Bruce Bockschecker's current stepmother sent him, but he never got around to wearing. They were patterned with a military style camouflage pattern that Bruce could wear when hunting sheep. Nick also wore a slouch hat, a short tapering stack stove pipe hat with wide brim worn "bush style" with the right side of the brim folded up at a 90-degree angle and pinned in place with the symbol of a queen that rules over a different land. Nick decorated the crockelgator hide hat band with dingaroo fangs from the dingaroo that Gula smashed.

To add to the robes and hat, Nick was holding his bandaged right foot off the ground and to assist with walking he had a gnarly wooden crutch propped under his right shoulder. The crutch was covered with tribal carvings from several local tribes of aboriginal warriors that commanded the plains of Four Ecks. He also wore a crockelgator hide patch over his left eye and a short beard that advertised his desire to remain unfucked with.

Porter Strongback has become a Bush Witch.

He limped up to the bar then reached into his robes and pulled out a mystic grimoire, the Tome of Inverse Disambiguation that Bruce Bockschecker had signed out. "'ere you go Bruce! Bruce say thanks mate!"

"Thanks mate," said Librarian Bruce Dinkum. "Have a bush-bash with a bunyip?"

"I had a bit of a to-do with a pack of dingaroos."

A collective gasp filled the library.

"Twice," said Gaspode from below the bar.

"Yes twice, but my dog drove them off."

"And you lived," marveled Bruce.

"Mostly," said Nick, tapping his eye patch.

"'ere y'go mate," said Bruce as he handed Nick the biggest tinnie that he's ever seen along with a scroll declaring him a graduate of the hard knocks school of Bugarup University and making him a full blooded Ecksan. "Y' earned it!"

Nick, dehydrated from the first four-hour shopping trip in his life, slammed down the entire beer in a time that challenged the school record and with a "Thanks mate," he turned to catch up with Octavia who was starting to enter the stacks.

"There you are apprentice!" she laughed and beaconed him with a crooked finger. She pulled Nick toward her and took him into her arms for a kiss that never would have occurred to Nick. Their lips met as their bodies melded together, but then her lips parted, and her tongue caressed his lips seeking out his tongue. Nick was startled and almost pulled away, but Octavia caught him and held him tight as his timid tongue began to explore her tongue.

Nick's chest swelled with excitement as his tongue slipped out and danced with hers, he even whimpered in excitement a little as their kiss grew hotter and sweeter as it grew in intensity. And when it was over, Nick held on to Octavia, panting and kissing the side of her neck while the Ecksan wizards watched in terror and envy.

"Come on my love," whispered Octavia and she tugged him into the stacks and to Nick it looked like she was naked. What happened to her robe? He could feel it, but he couldn't see it!

The Bugarup library remained silent, but when the sultry Enchantress tugged Nick into the depths of the bookshelves, their audience finally took a deep collective breath. "Too right!" came a call from the back.

"That poor wanker has some hard yakka aheada him tonight!"

"Fair Dinkum!"

"He's gunna root 'till he's rooted."

Soon the laughter returned to the faculty of Bugarup University, and Nick had become a celebrity... if he lives.

Deep in the darkened stacks at a junction that Nick remembered from their trip to Four Ecks, Octavia called a halt. "You wait right here, don't go away, I'll be right back, ok?"

"Where you going?" sighed Nick, his head still spinning from his very first kiss.

"I need to check on a book," she said, and she slipped down a side aisle while Nick slid to the floor.

"Where do you think she's goin'," asked Gaspode as he curled up at Nick's side.

"It's a library, she's going to check out a book," said Nick as he entered his own little lala land and savored every scintilla of their kiss. He held Mesquite tight, and Mesquite continued to magically heal his wounds, the wounds that she caused in her jealousy.

In the nearest offworld library Octavia had planted a copy of her favorite book, as a librarian she knew it was the wrong thing to do, she stashed it here in a library that won't publish it for another fifteen years, but she put it here because it's the closest one to get to, and it didn't effect this world so it doesn't affect the timeline. But now, in the past two months she has realized what it truly means. Librarians know that changes in the past effect books in the future, and she had to see if that happened. She found the book and flipped through it and found that there were some minor changes, and they were all for the good.

She slid her secret into the shelf and now as a woman in love she knew this was doubly wrong, but she's got to keep this secret from Nick. It's wrong when a woman keeps a secret from her man, and as this secret goes, it's a pretty good one. But still... it's wrong, right?

Gaspode yawned and fell asleep while Gula wanted to see this spell they were putting together work. Now. She seemed anxious while waiting for Octavia to return, for an effigy that was created with infinite patience, Gula appears to be tired of being on the sidelines, and for a drain spout who once lived to remain in one place, she's showing quite a bit of Wanderlust. On their trip across the Ecksan desert she rode on the camel's back to get a better view. "Gula, there's nothing here to see, it's just wide open desert."

When translated, her response was that it was a refreshing change of pace to see miles and miles of open land with nothing happening after watching the frantic scurrying of university freshmen as they dashed about the confusing maze of buildings for centuries. {Every Octday the gargoyles at the Unseen University change position just to have something new to see. {{The discworld calendar has eight days per week and Octday is the day between Sunday and Monday and this tends to make the work week in Ankh-Morpork twice as miserable to begin.}} It is generally admitted that the moment an Unseen University student notices that the gargoyles change position every Octday, he's immediately and secretly graduated out of the university with honors. There's no need to keep someone with observational skills like that around, there's no telling what he might see.}

As for Gaspode, there was no telling if he was there because he wanted to be there, or if he was along for a free ride out of the XXXX desert. As they waited for Octavia to return, Nick tried to broach the subject with his boyhood friend. "Gaspode buddy, we want to know what you are planning to do."

The Wonder Dog opened one eye and said, "Plan? You know me chum, keep the treats coming and I'm yours for the next five hours. That's my only plan in life."

Nick needed to explain human courtship to a dog, and he thinks he found a way. "You know how when you find that perfect bitch and everything clicks and next thing you know you're tied to her?"

"Uh huh," agreed Gaspode. It was the greatest five minutes of his life.

"Well with humans it's different, it's more emotional than physical and it last a long time... and I was wondering if you would be there for me."

"With a bucket of ice water?" asked Gaspode.

"If it comes to that, but there's a few differences. For one, human girls don't like to be called bitches."

"NO?" Gaspode was shocked, it was a title of high honor in the canine world. Every dog's mom was a real bitch, and any dog would fight to the death anyone who called his mother something derogatory.

"Yeah, they're funny that way, but I hear that human pups are really cute."

Gaspode placed a reassuring paw on Nick's resting hand. "If it means that much to you, I'm here for you."

After about fifteen minutes Octavia returned and crouched down and gave Nick a little buss on the lips. "You ready to go?"

"Too right!" grinned Nick hoping that she meant more kissing.

"Let's go to Pseudopolis and get the last section of the spell, then our work begins." As she rose, she pulled on an over robe, and it was then that Nick realized that the robe she wore as a joke going through the library was perfectly transparent.

"Work? Like what?" he gasped. In the dim light of the library, he was enjoying the view until she covered up.

"First, we figure out which piece goes first, which piece goes second, draw them up as one spell. Then we create a test universe and try the spell there, if it works, we go to Krull and set it off for real."

They entered the library of the Brazeneck College in Pseudopolis shortly before midnight, and Octavia pulled an arcane lamp from her little pink and purple backpack. Nick still had the huge backpack, but the size and weight didn't bother him at all, Mesquite had taught Nick the art of levitating objects and he was levitating that big pack. He was not carrying the pack; now the pack was carrying him.

Using her lamp that emitted the octarine glow, Octavia began to search for the third and final tome that she needed, Aleister Gardner and the Thaumaturgical Prestidigitation of Time and Space, a Primer. She looked it up in the card catalogue and had to memorize the Dewy Decimal address because there were no pencils. "This place is a disaster," hissed Octavia as they searched the shelves for what's commonly called AG's TP of T&S. The books were terrified, they fluttered nervously in their shelving and the more powerful tomes were straining at their chains. "Sshhh! Calm down guys, it's ok... it's ok... I'm here." She folded over her lapel showing her badge of rank, Senior Master Librarian of the Librarians of Time and Space. The books fluttered with relief, the word spread through the books, and the feeling of immanent salvation spread through treatises tomes and monographs, from folio to quarto the books realized that a TRUE librarian is in the house!

Nick was not a certified librarian, but he was learning everything that Octavia knew so he began to help calm down the books. "It's ok guys, I'm her apprentice... who here needs work?" The books all looked in bad shape, but to a copy they all indicated one old primer at the end of the bottom most shelf. An ancient tome limped forward and coughed up a huge cloud of dust and Nick carefully picked up the sorry specimen. "It's ok old fellow, my woman is a Senior Master Librarian who is training me extensively. We will help you; I promise." He examined the book and was shocked at the condition it was in, he couldn't read a single word or character of the ancient text, but it was apparent that this book was dying from neglect. He looked at Octavia and mouthed "Broken spine" and she nodded in response and Nick whisked the book off to the operating theater.

Nick placed the book in the bookbinders clamp and began to operate, removing the end cap carefully with scalpel and magnifying glass using the knowledge he gained from Octavia through Mesquite. Octavia continued to soothe the books and search for Aleister Gardner and the Thaumaturgical Prestidigitation of Time and Space, a Primer. As she searched a yellow light started to move through the library and the books went into a full panic again, shuddering and flapping in terror. Some actually took to flight to escape the yellow light. Yellow light means a flame, the mortal enemy to anything made of paper.

Poco Curante moved through his library in his nightshirt and his fuzzy slippers holding a candle trying to identify the source of the noise that woke him. {The noise was Gula and Gaspode playing while Nick and Octavia worked} As usual the books were fluttering and flapping but sod them, this is a library, not a day care center. Poco had been librarian since the founding of Brazeneck College and he ran an orderly library. None of those late night shenanigans where students sat up all night in the library "studying." Library hours are nine am to four pm with an hour off for lunch, no excuses.

He turned the corner and there, in the dim light of the candle, was a XXXX Bush Witch, slouch hat with huge fangs from some unknown beast tucked in the crocklegator hat band, short beard, eye patch, and robes that made him look like a slim pile of leaves. The Bush Witch snarled at Poco, "Feel lucky punk?" and blew out the candle. A muffled cry let Octavia know that Nick followed her directions.

When the pillowcase was pulled off of his head, Poco Curante found himself tied to a chair in his own break room, a bright light was shining in his eyes. He could see the Bush Witch repairing the spine of a leather bound book and a very shapely but very angry looking woman was glaring at him. Long flowing dark hair splashed over her shoulders, a very cute face with dimpled cheeks and a narrow chin, tiny nose, big brown eyes, and breasts! Her figure took his breath away. At any other time, he would try to charm her with his personality, but at this point in time he didn't think it was a good idea. {Especially considering that he didn't have a personality} Also because he was tied to a chair and gagged.

"An open flame in a magical library?" she demanded as she pulled his gag out of his mouth, "How stupid are you?"

"I-I-I uh um, ah..."

"Have you heard of the Mystic library of Far Überwald?" demanded Octavia as Nick continued to sew the spine of the ancient book back together.

"Me? I... er... uh... No."

"That's because now it's known as the von Hornung Crater. Seventeen point five cubic acres of solid rock were turned into gravel and blown four miles into the ocean because some moron walked into a very nervous library on a dark and stormy night with a lit candle. Thousands of illuminated single editions were lost because of a single candle." She shuddered and closed her eyes at the thought of the loss.

Not only ignorant, Poco Curante was mind numbingly stupid, and that combination is dangerous. "Who are you?" he demanded. Reading a room was another skill he lacked.

"I'm your worst nightmare pal," Octavia flipped the lapel on her coat showing her badge of rank, "a Senior Master Librarian with a clipboard and a dog."

"A dog? I don't see a dog."

At the same time over in the faculty apartments, the Dean's door burst open, and an odd voice called, "Hey Dean! Check it out! Poco Curante has the hottest chick over in the library! Woo-woo!" The Dean got out of bed and ran to his door and looked out into the hallway hoping to find the source of his agitation but all he saw was senior members of the faculty all looking into the hallway wondering who rousted them.

"Dean! I demand to know what is going on here!" called the Speaker of the Buttery. Angry wizards agreed and instead of returning to a nice warm bed the Dean pulled on his robe and slippers and led a dozen angry wizards decked out in bathrobes and carpet shoes across the rainy campus to the library.

"Poco!" called the Dean but there was no answer as the faculty stormed into the library, all dressed in their bathrobes and fuzzy slippers.

"I knew it was a mistake to hire your brother-in-law," grumbled the Seer of Past Events to the Dean.

A light was on in the side office and in there they found a very beautiful, very angry woman chastising the head librarian while what appeared to be a Bush Witch was taking a book out of the book binders' clamp. Watching him was a small gargoyle seated on a windowsill, a small wire haired dog, and a walking stick that paced nervously behind him.

"And finally, finding number twenty seven, you stored the magical codex's with the grimoires. You can NOT store those tracts on the same aisle let alone the same shelf! There is a warning in Library Manual 127-1-1-301 Periodical Display and Checkout that clearly states how these publications are to be handled." Then she looked up and saw the senior staff members of the college. "You're here gentlemen. You, with the fluffy bunny slippers, you're the Dean?"

"I..."

Not giving the Dean the time to finish his sentence, she thrust her clipboard into his hands and showed him her badge. "I am Senior Master Librarian Façade Incognito and this is my apprentice, Porter Strongback, we came through L-Space to complete an arduous spell and I found your library in a total nervous breakdown and your librarian stumbling around with an open flame!

The Dean, the only person close enough to be considered a leader at this college completely ignored her list of complaints against the Librarian of Brazeneck College and shouted, "Who do you think you are?"

"I told you who I am, Senior Master Librarian Façade..."

"YOUNG LADY!" shrieked the Dean, "This is an institution of higher learning, not some bawdy house where a loosely dressed bint can simply waltz in here and..."

Nick didn't hear the rest of what the pudgy, pink excuse for a man said because the whole world slowed to a crawl the moment he grabbed Octavia. She turned in the little man's grasp and looked back at Nick with terror in her eyes. What can a short, skinny, injured street urchin from the streets of Ankh-Morpork do when a senior wizard grabs the only person that ever cared for him? Everything he can.

Nick's hand was still on the book he calmed down and saved with emergency surgery, Vanemate Rasside Jõud, The Power of the Elder Races, a long forgotten book, a book thought lost by most, and a book unreadable to all. Written in the language of the Mountain Ergonians, the last Elven race on discworld. The book wasn't about the power of the elder races, the book contained the power of the elder races, and its feelings of gratitude to Nick showed no bounds, and it gladly gave Nick a hand. It doesn't always matter if you can read a book, because a book this powerful can read you.

As the Dean started to shake Octavia, he didn't realize how close to death he came. Octavia's father wanted her to be able to protect herself, so he taught her to fight, but he never taught her how to fight clean but in her panic she forgot all that. What saved her was the energy and knowledge that was flowing from the Vanemate Rasside Jõud into Nick. As the wizards concentrated on Octavia {actually on Octavia's breasts} a sound filled the room, a sound that defied description on the discworld, but other men on other worlds would say that it sounded like the cries of tens of thousands of teenage girls shrieking in excitement at the opening set of the current favorite boy band. The high pitched, multi hue shriek filled the minds of the men there with terror.

Where Nick once stood now stood a seven foot tall, white fluffy bunny... but the more intelligent of the men realized that this was not a large version of the sweet, cute bunnies that hopped about the garden and was the darling of children, because sticking out of the giant bunny's marsupial pouch extended the bloody ends of several disembodied human limbs. Snacks for later.

The "bunny" grinned and a maw filled with six inch long razor sharp teeth greeted the shrieking academics. It was a bull dingaroo, the most dangerous predator on the Four Ecks continent. As the dingaroo roared its challenge, the academics wet themselves and ran.

Poco fought against the ties that bound him and shrieked, "For the love of the Gods! Let me go!"

The dean was no longer holding Octavia, instead she was holding him, keeping him from escaping. Out of the nightmare vision of the dingaroo stepped Nick who snarled at the head of the college. "Send us one dozen underclassmen by sunrise so we can start to clean up this trash heap that you call a library, and find a new librarian, this one is being placed under review."

The way that Nick said under review caused Poco Curante to whimper in fear and faint, but Nick wasn't done. He glared at the dean. "Send those twelve students and provide the resources we require for the clean-up and the condition of this heap will be forgiven. But the sin of touching my woman has consequences." His proclamation was accompanied by a flash of lightning and a blast of thunder so loud that it almost drown out the cheering and applause of the books.

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

"My man!" sighed Octavia as she settled her shapely ass into Nick's lap. "Did I tell you that when you said, "My Woman" that I almost came?"

"Yes," said Nick as he set his quill down and put his arms around Octavia. "But you never told me where you went."

Octavia looked at him in shock, "You don't know what cum means?"

"Of course, it means to move closer, to arrive at a destination, to approach..." he was stifled by her lips and as they kissed their souls melded, their hearts beat in unison, and further down, their bodies ached for each other.

"You silly," then she whispered in his ear, "I almost had an orgasm!"

"Is that dangerous?"

Octavia's jaw actually dropped, "You don't know that that is?"

"Sorry honey," came a voice from under Nick's chair, "he ain't never had a bitch."

"Gaspode! We talked about this," warned Nick.

"You've never had... sex?" asked Octavia, utterly astonished that someone who spent their life on the streets of Ankh-Morpork has never had sex.

"Yes, I do. I'm a boy."

"You've never made love to somebody?"

Nick looked utterly confused. "Love is an emotion, a feeling. How do you make a feeling?"

"I tried to warn ya babe."

"Gaspode!"

"Boink? Screw? Hump? Frigg? Shag? Score? Get a blow job? Give a girl an Ecksian kiss?..." To each of her questions Nick shook his head in confusion.

"He's a babe in the woods, dear."

"Gaspode!"

"That's ok sweetheart," said Octavia, "I love being your woman and I want to feel this way forever. We have time..." and with one more heart stopping kiss she got up. "I'm going to check on the children, you continue with your calligraphy." She rose reluctantly and stepped out into the main library where "their children," the underclassmen who have been cleaning up Poco Curante's mess, were trying to repair decades of neglect in a desperate attempt to locate Aleister Gardner and the Thaumaturgical Prestidigitation of Time and Space, a Primer.

Since being trained and taught by Mesquite almost constantly Nick was able to read but he had to learn to write. He knew how the letters and numbers are shaped, but he's never written anything in his life, he's got to train his hands to write because right now he's discovering what the term "Chicken Scratches" means. At first he had to use quill and ink because there were no pencils in the library; Poco Curante claimed that pencils and scratch paper encouraged students to write in the books. Happily, one of the students located a slate and some chalk and Nick now had the proper tools to practice his penmanship.

Octavia came back to the office and watched Nick through the office door as he slaved away at his calligraphy, "practicing penmanship" was a term she avoided, it made him uncomfortable and never having any formal education he felt diminished in this setting, but his skills at reading and comprehension were now far beyond those of the students of this and the other two universities they had visited. It was heart breaking watching him try to "catch up" with students he was so far ahead of. And he seems to be a bit shaken from what is now called The Night of the Dingaroo, he has said that he knows he has powers, he's just afraid to test them in such a ramshackle excuse for a college.

Brazeneck College was a collection of buildings that a syndicate of mobsters wrested control of and the first Dean of Wizardry was able to convince the mobsters to donate to the college fund. {the image of scorpions flooding the mobster's bedrooms disappeared shortly after the donation.} The buildings were rickety wood frame buildings that had a habit of swaying when the wind blew and that made Nick nervous about conjuring beasts.

However, when he saw the Dean grab Octavia, he heard Vanemate Rasside Jõud call to him in a whisper telling him to think of the scariest beast he could imagine and the dingaroo suddenly appeared in that very room. He wanted to try more, safer beasts. He heard that an olliphont was nice, he was thinking of that, or possibly a hipporanimus, or possibly a rok. Luckily Octavia was able to convince him to wait until they found a nice open field to train in, because Nick had no way of knowing that an olliphont was bigger than most homes in Pseudopolis. And a rok? It's a long legged long neck bird whose back is as high as a camel's hump. "Good thing they don't fly," chuckled Nick, sure that Octavia and Gaspode were teasing him.

"Uhmm..." said Gaspode.

"Actually..." started Octavia slowly, "it's their smaller cousin the emu that can't fly, the rok has been known to carry off cows."

"What time is it when a rok lands on your roof?" said Gaspode with a canine style grin.

Nick thought and shrugged, then Octavia, Gaspode, Mesquite, and Gula {in a fashion} said in unison, "Time to buy a new house!"

"I don't get it."

<><><><><>֎<><><><><>

Finally, after several weeks of camping out in the library and rejuvenating the entire stock of books, Aleister Gardner and the Thaumaturgical Prestidigitation of Time and Space, a Primer still wasn't located in the library, and it wasn't shown as being signed out. "Of course, it's the only remaining copy," sighed Octavia, depressed that the rite of Prose Mino may never happen and the calamity that will ensue.

As Nick practiced long division using the Dewey Decimal system on a slate and chalk she reviewed the last bookshelf before calling it a loss. Just as she finished the inspection and the students waited nervously for her assessment of their work, she heard a familiar voice. "G'day mate! How's my favorite Sheila?" Two men dressed like Ecksas Bush Wizards stepped out of the stacks, and the one that called out was librarian Bruce Dinkum.

"G'day Bruce!" cried Octavia as she hugged her friend. "Who's your mate?"

"Façade, this here's m' boss, the arch chancellor of Bugarup U, Bill Rincewind. Bill, this is the baddest spell slinging librarian on the disc, Façade Incognito."

"I'm proud to say that he's one of mine!" came another familiar voice from the stacks, Mustrum Ridcully, Archchancellor of the Unseen University, and with him was her father, the librarian who was wearing a Senior Master Librarian badge on a ribbon around his neck meaning that he was here on official business. "You look a bit different than the last time I saw you," said Ridcully to Octavia.

"It's all the rage now," said Octavia realizing that she didn't have a chance to activate a disguise spell to look like a male.

As Mustrum harumphed, Bruce said "Oy, I brought Bill here to meet the young master!" when Octavia responded with a confused look he said, "Your boy! Where's Porter?"

Nick came out of the back room wearing his traditional camouflaged robes and slouch hat. "Did somebody call me?"

"G'day mate!" called Bruce. "I was telling Bill and Mustrum about your to-do with the dingaroos when The Dean tells me that you can change into one. Quite the corker..." Suddenly standing before him was a huge, snarling, slavering dingaroo with bloody fangs and a pouch carrying half of a dead wizard, then suddenly it was Porter standing there again.

"I've been working on it. Is the blood on the fangs too much?" They barely heard him over the applause of the students.

"Best one yet Mister Porter!" called one of the cheering students.

"Honey," said Octavia, "I asked you not to do that inside." And she pointed at the ceiling.

Nick looked up and saw the cracks from when the dingaroo's head hit the ceiling. "I'm sorry hun, I'll get some plaster up there straight away." Then he noticed Mustrum Ridcully and Bill Rincewind staring at him in shock. "What?" asked Nick. He was terrified that he was in trouble for Unauthorized Metamorphoses, or Therianthropy with Criminal Intent. He had a sudden fear of being branded an Animagi like a cow, lassoed, thrown down, and a glowing red iron is brought to his...

"IIIK AHT!" {Nick stop!} growled Gula from her perch above the librarian's desk. Sometimes his fears get to her too.

"What I tell ya blokes!" cried Bruce Dinkum.

"What? What did I do?" asked Nick nervously again.

"Ook," said Octavia's father.

"Agreed," agreed Ridcully, "anyone can change into wild animal."

"It's changing back," said Bill Rincewind, "now there's the magic!" He patted a confused Nick on the back and shook his hand, "You truly are a first rate Bush Witch! A real ecksan if there ever was one. Where's that certificate Bruce gave you, I want to sign that too."

"I also, marvelous lad..." chimed in Ridcully.

"What are they talking about?" Nick asked Octavia.

"That scroll that Bruce gave you when we left."

As he dug it out of his backpack Nick muttered, "I always wondered what it said."

"You didn't read it?"

"I couldn't read when I got it." He handed it to Octavia's father who rolled it out on the desk and the wizards gathered around to sign it. Since everyone was crowded around the table signing the document, and now Octavia was in line to sign it too, Nick made a motion with his hand and the words of the document appeared above the assembled wizards, in glowing gold script, where everyone could read it.

"Let it be known to all you polmy bastards who read this document, that the ballsy bloke before you

Porter Strongback

Is a bloody Bush Witch in good fucking standing with the Wizards of the

Bugarup University of Magic, Augury, Incantation, and Beer

Bugarup, XXXX"

The document went on to describe faithfulness to the brotherhood and other such gimgaws. As Nick was reading, the entire library went dark, lightning flashed, thunder rumbled and a tall, elegant slim woman with milk white skin, jet black hair, and burgundy red lips which matched her eyes stepped out of the stacks and announced, "I vant to sign ze paper," accompanied by another flash of lightning and crash of thunder. All stood aside while Lucricia von Überwald stepped forward, the only member of the Überwald family who is both vampire and werewolf of the primarily werewolf family. She's the fanged sheep of the family.

"She's a bloodsucking bitch," snarled Gaspode from behind Nick.

"Yes," whispered Octavia, "but she's also the overseer of the largest private magical library on the disc, and her librarian, Igor, is the only Chief Master Librarian on the disc. We can't recertify this library without him."

"Growl, growl," said Gaspode. His sentiments were echoed by Gula high above.

"Shall ve start?" asked Lady Überwald. "Ze night vill soon be young and ve vill be cutting into my..." she paused for dramatic effect, "...playtime." Lightning flashed and thunder rolled right on queue.

The Dean stood by nervously as the three ranked librarians began inspecting every book on the shelf to insure the Dewey Decimal tag was properly affixed, the books were in the proper location, and the shelves were clearly labeled. This inspection could be the end of the college if the library isn't certified. He sagged into a chair and nervously mopped his brow.

Seeing the Dean sitting down caused a thought to suddenly spring to Octavia's mind. Furniture! She turned to the assembled students and said, "Go! Scour the campus, look for any book propping up a table leg or being used as a trivet for a coffee service, anything like that, GO!" They scattered throughout the campus while Nick remained behind to keep the Archchancelors and Lady Überwald entertained as the students searched.

"So, you're a vampire AND a werewolf," said Nick, trying to make conversation. "How do you decide what form to take when you attack someone?"

"Zat depends my little morsal" said the mysterious woman as she traced a long, elegant finger along the leather strap holding his eyepatch in place. "Am I zirsty, or am I peckish?"

Igor looked and saw that Lady Überwald was fascinated with Nick's missing eye and said, "I could get you a replathement for that eye, marthter."

Nick studied Igor's head; Igors are self-made men and like all Igors, his face was an amazing amalgam of spare parts that are an Igor's stock in trade. Bent nose, off center mouth, at least one too many ears. Igor did indeed work with eyes, one of his was a beautiful sapphire blue and a full inch higher than the other eye which was brown and very large. Nick assumed that it came from a cow.

"Thanks, if we survive our mission, I'll look you up."

"Marvelous pun marthter," said Igor and he went back to work.

Octavia raced in, her face glowing in excitement and she clutched a book to her sumptuous chest. "We got it!" she cried, her voice rich with excitement and she molded her body to Nick's and they kissed one of those head spinning kisses that even break other people's hearts when they end.

As their kiss went on, Igor turned to Lucricia von Überwald and said, "I do not think the young marthter will take an interetht in you mithtreth."

"I am afraid you are right Igor, I must schtudy this enchantress to zee vat schpell she casts. Back to work."

"Yeth mithtreth."

Finally with a sigh and a bit of a gasp, Nick and Octavia's lips parted and she showed him the book, Aleister Gardner and the Thaumaturgical Prestidigitation of Time and Space, a Primer. It was ratty and aged and covered with rings from an untold number of coffee cups, the damage to the cover showed that it spent the last decade face down on the faculty coffee bar absorbing spills while holding the collected coffee cups.

Returned to its home, the book began to gasp as magical life returned to it, then it began to flap, finally free from the weight of the cups and saucers. "It's ok boy, relax!" whispered Octavia as they took it back to the back room. Nick carefully removed the cover and began the restoration project as Octavia began copying the verses she needed for the spell. Like the other books, the verses were not all in one location, she had to move back and forth in the text to find the verses of the spell and get them in the right order. It was hours of work but in the end she had one third of the spell written down and Nick had the cover finished and ready to go back on the book.

While Octavia gushed over the cover of a three hundred year old book, Nick poured over the word salad that Octavia gained from the text. "I'm glad I don't have to read this mess," said Nick out loud. It was the first words spoken out loud in several hours, all afternoon long they've been conversing on a different level.

"A spell this powerful kind of reads itself. If it's in the right order, you're only conscious of the first few lines."

"Who said that?"

"Rincewind." But Nick thought she was referring to Bill Rincewind, the archchancellor of Bugarup University, but she was referring to an entirely different Rincewind. She meant the Rincewind whose actions turned her father into an orangutan, the Rincewind that traveled across the disc twice and eventually became the only man to fall off the edge and return alive.

"Ok, Rincewind. Good man."

Octavia looked at Nick like he was crazy as her foster father knuckled into the room. "Ook?"

"There's the book, it's in the clamp while the glue dries, wait until you see the cover! Nick even redid the gold leaf on the lettering on the cover... It's just beautiful." But the librarian noticed that his daughter was looking at the one eyed Bush Witch when she said that. What a man this boy is growing up to be!

"Ook?"

"Thaumatin Velum?" said Octavia and Nick at the same time. They looked at each other in confusion, never had the term Thaumatin Velum come into any of their acquired knowledge.

"There hasn't been a new scrap of Thaumatin Velum around Ecksas for fifty years," said Bruce. "You can write a spell all you want on bloody parchment but it won't work. A bloke needs the Thaumatin Velum to fire off a spell. That's why there's been no new spells recorded for decades, the stocks of Thaumatin Velum have been used up."

"The spell books in your secured section of the library were written on Thaumatin Velum," said Mustrum Ridcully, "the rest of the books are parchment and normal velum so the spells in them are not accidentally cast."

"Ja, maykink Thhaumatin Velum is a lost art," said Lucricia von Überwald as she entered the back room where the couple was gasping in disbelief.

"I mutht dithagree mithtreth," said Igor as he steeled himself for a slap from his mistress. Seeing none coming he continued, "An old woman in the Ram Topth holdth the thecret, Nanna Partridge ith her name. Thee is a withhh, a withhh..."

"Nanna Partridge?" asked Ridcully. "A bit of a witch that one."

"Yeth, whith. Thee ith a whith." Ridcully handed the self-made man a dish towel to dry himself off.

"Sweet ol' dame that Nanna Partridge, lives up by Creel Springs. She used to let me fish her stream and pond." Ridcully's eyes rolled back as he was lost in fond memories of days gone by.

"Where does she live? How do we find her?" begged a nearly hysterical Octavia.

"Don't let this new look of yours go to your head young sir," Mustrum scolded Octavia, he still has her previous identity as a male swordsman in mind. "Besingger Floyd's personal library is still up there maybe that's on your network." Ridcully has no idea how L-Space works and he's not about to go fooling around with anything that has anything to do with science. "When their witch Granny Hopliss died they hired a wizard, Ol' Besingger and he built a library up there. When he died Nanna Partridge moved into Granny Hopliss cottage up Bear Mountain. Such good trout fishing..." and he was lost in memory again.

Octavia sighed, one more hurdle to leap. Velum was animal hide that has been replaced now that paper is being made large scale, but she could think of a source. "Bruce? Any chance you can ask Bruce to provide us with some velum? Just in case we get the secret we can make some."

"Piece of piss mate! That sheep skin we gave you came from one of his sheep."

"I can think of forty I wouldn't mind skinning," said Nick as his eye socket began itching when sheep were mentioned.

"I'll let Bruce know, they've been producing velum and storing it up for years hoping it makes a comeback."

Wordlessly {that anyone could hear} Nick and Octavia packed their backpacks and drew their robes around them and headed for the stacks. Before entering the rows of shelves, they made sure that Gula and Gaspode were ready to go, Mesquite wasn't happy about the renewed trip, but she quit dragging her feet and followed along. Seeing the Dean sitting dejected, knowing that he was in for a lecture from the librarians and Ridcully, Nick called to Ridcully, "Archchancellor, please insure that the Dean knows for certain who saved his college for him."

When the Librarian finished hugging his daughter he waddled over to Nick and shook Nick's hand and very softly said, "ook."

Nick leaned over and whispered in his ear, "I love her too, I'll bring her back safe."

As they disappeared into the stacks Lady von Überwald turned to Mustrum and asked, "Vie did choo not tell zee youngsters zat zee Nanna Partridge ist dead?"

Mustrum thought as he nibbled on a scone that the dean provided then said, "Dead? It never slowed that old girl down."

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As usual they stopped halfway through their journey and Octavia dashed off on her mystery errand. "We should go see what she's doing," complained Gaspode.

"Now Gaspode, I made a promise and I'm going to stick to it, ok?"

"You take all the fun out of being devious," grumbled Gaspode as Octavia emerged from the stacks.

"Did I miss anything?" she asked as Nick got to his feet.

"Just guy talk," said Nick as he kissed Octavia. Their kisses were taking longer and longer and each one became reluctant to break the kiss, but they had to go, they needed to see Nana Partridge. As they headed down new shelves of books the language looked like what they were used to, but the subject matter became highly agricultural, a field of foreign study for a city boy like Nick and an academic like Octavia.

The aisles grew terribly close together, so narrow that they had to take off their packs and walk sideways. As they traveled it seemed like they were walking for ages and at one point Mesquite cried "Make her stop!"

Nick turned around to see that Gula was holding Mesquite near the base forcing Mesquite to drag the grinning gargoyle through the aisles.

"If you two don't knock it off, we're turning right around and heading back to Ankh-Morpork... so help me I'll do it too!" snarled Nick.

"He's ready," grinned Octavia to Gaspode.

Finally, they squeezed through a narrow aisle and entered a dry, dusty bookstore that looked like no one had been in there for decades. A workbench was set up to repair old books and plenty of inks and pens were there to facilitate an artist in illuminating a manuscript. There were two benches and tables that appeared to be designed for people to write, or copy documents, manuscripts, and entire books. "A scriptorium," gasped Octavia in awe.

"A school!" gasped Nick who always wanted to go to school.

Nick looked around and realized that he was in heaven. Octavia instilled a love of books in him that rivaled his love for her. He could sit in here all day and repair family heirlooms, copy important documents, translate mysterious grimoires, and maybe (dare I think it?) {do it! Dare!} write his own book.

Octavia discovered a desk she could work at researching spells and improving them and plans to write down exactly what an Enchantress really is began to formulate. Out from the stories and tales of the past to the female wizards of the Millenia of the Dazed Cockroach!

The front windows were so dusty it was impossible to see outside, and the door was locked preventing them from leaving, Octavia discovered a powerful spell securing the door, windows, walls and ceiling; the only way in or out was through L-Space, but the spell now prevented them from escaping through that route. There on the dusty front door hung an envelope that was addressed to "The New Owner" facing inward. Nick looked at Octavia and she said, "We don't have time to spend playing games, if we end up owning a bookstore, we'll deal with it later."

Nick agreed then opened up the envelope and read the letter inside.

"Dear Façade and Porter

Or should I call you Octavia and Nick? The keys for the door is in the top desk drawer, everything else is self-explanatory. Congratulations on your new bookstore! I hope you have many years of joy here. Sincerely,

Besingger Floyd, Wizard. Requiescat in pac, Sectober twenty second, Year of the Emasculated Prawn."

"Year of the Emasculated Prawn," gasped Nick. He counted on his fingers for a moment and said, "that was forty three years ago." Octavia tried the door again but the door latch just glared at her angrily so Nick turned to Mesquite and said, "You're a magical object, can't you talk with the latch?"

"I tried, but it said it has orders."

Nick and Octavia looked at each other and sighed, they now own a bookstore. Nick opened the drawer on the wizards old desk and was greeted with a tiny shower of confetti that sprang up from the drawer and a tiny voice cried "Hurray! You own a business!"

Nick took two comically large skeleton keys out of the drawer and handed one to Octavia. "It will never fit," she groaned and turned to the door, but when she held the key up to the tiny latch lock, it fit. The dry, rusty lock squeaked and groaned but opened without any more effort than it took to insert the key. {She didn't realize it, but both keys were Master Keys and could open almost any lock. They were created by the wizard Besingger Floyd and were perfect for a thief {{which he was not}} or a peeping Tom {{which he was}}}

They stepped out of the {their!} bookstore and were greeted with a sight that utterly shocked and terrified Nick - utterly and completely transparent air. The air of Four Ecks was reddish brown and smelled of dust, and the air of Ankh-Morpork was a healthy yellowish gray tint and it had some bite to it, some zing, some flavor, a robust, soul stirring stench that could cause a round world homeowner to sing out, "Who didn't flush?"

The air here at Creel Springs was clear, fresh and smelled of pine, fresh cut hay, and spring wildflowers, alien odors that terrified Nick. Octavia too was overwhelmed, she spent almost all of her life inside libraries, classrooms, and bookstores. The forests and the streams were too beautiful to comprehend, and the sight of the mountain was overwhelming! The towering behemoth was covered in trees and forests until for some reason those ornaments stopped and it was bare rock all the way to the snow covered peak, henceforth the name, Bear Mountain. {Homonyms are the bane of the small rural kingdom of Lancre}.

As they stood gaping at the alien scenery, an older couple came up and the bent man said, "You must be Nick and Octavia. We're Homlette and Ophilia d'Marhk."

"You must be psychic!" gasped Nick as Octavia's jaw dropped in surprise.

"No, but we can read," the gaffer said and used his cane to point to the sign over the door of the ancient clapboard building. The sign read "Opening Soon! Big Price Cuts! Nick and Octavia's Bookstore. Family Discounts! Honest Appraisals! Lancre Proud!"

After introductions, the old man's wife Ophilia asked, "when is the opening day?"

"I guess we'll find out when the sign painter fills it in," muttered Gaspode.

"We're so new here, we need to explore a little," said Octavia almost apologetically. "Where might we find Nana Partridge's cottage?"

"Same place it always sits," grinned Homlette. Getting no reaction he said, "see that cart path up Main street from your bookstore next to the Mill?"

"Where's Main Street?" asked Nick who was still so underwhelmed with Creel Springs that his head was spinning.

"You're standing in the middle of it."

"I can see someone hitting something hot," said Octavia.

"That's the Blacksmith, the Mill is across the street, and the trail is right there. Just follow that trail 'bout a mile or so, and it will take you to Nana Partridge's cottage."

"Thank you!" said Octavia, "does that path have a name?"

Ophilia thought for a moment then said, "folks here just call it Nana's driveway."

The young couple dressed like a pair of magicians stopped the conversation around the furnace at the mill, but Nick and Octavia didn't notice, neither had ever seen so many trees! And the huge mountain! It was all too exciting for them. They made the turn and found that Nana's Driveway was a bit narrow, but there were a couple of areas where it widened, and two carriages could meet and pass each other. The term Driveway didn't do the beauty of the path any justice, brightly colored blossoms lined the sides of the path, birds sang {without weezing!} and a stream bubbled happily without a body or sack full of dead kittens to block its path. Nick and Octavia strolled through the woods enjoying the smell of the pine trees and the perfume of the flowers all the while holding hands and stopping in every patch of warm sunlight for a gentle kiss. Through the trees they could see the brook babbling merrily down the hill toward Creel Springs and whenever it came near the pathway, Nick would go look at it. The clear mountain water splashing happily over the rocks, tiny fish in little groups idling in small pools, it was all too beautiful. If he grew up here, he would have spent every day playing in this liquid miracle.

Nick scooped a handful of water out of the brook and sniffed it... it didn't singe his nose hairs or cause a black-out headache, so it's definitely not Ankh-Morpork water. He then took a sip, an act only done on a bet in Ankh-Morpork, and he didn't die! It was delicious! He filled a water bottle up with the stuff and he and Octavia enjoyed the first water they ever enjoyed as they walked up the path hand in hand.

Finally, they reached a house that must be Nana's cottage. It was a nice, two story house with a steeply pitched thatched roof, a covered porch spread across the entire front of the building with rocking chairs that beckoned for a relaxing spell. In front of the cabin was a large glassy pond that was fed by a stream that fell over a three foot waterfall. With a splash Gula planted herself at the top of the waterfall and she tried her hand at being a fountain.

As they stepped up to the porch a cheerful feminine voice inside the cabin called out, "Come in! I've been waiting for you two lovebirds!"

Uncertain of what was in store for them, Nick and Octavia stepped up the porch steps nervously holding hands. As they entered the cabin a warm, friendly voice said, "Oh my, don't you two make a couple! Are you married?"

As Nick sputtered and stuttered, Octavia smiled and said, "No we're not."

"We can fix that if you'd like," said the voice, "it works much better if you are, but then, nothing says you have to be."

"I want to be," said Nick suddenly and Octavia looked at him in surprised delight.

"Why?" said the voice. "You're free as a bird now, why give that all away?"

"All my life I've been free, and I never had nothin'," said Nick sadly. "Once I had a dog, but they even took him away. Now I have someone that taught me how to love, and I'll fight to keep her, protect her, and make her happy till my dying breath... No, I ain't free, but now I have everything I could ever want."

"And what about you, pretty one?"

It took Octavia a long time to recover from Nick's declaration of love. She knew she'd never top it, but she had to be honest. "I... I have a father, and he helped so much, he loves me but he's not human and he doesn't understand, but he tries..." Octavia leaned on Nick, their fingers entwined, nervously his lips touched her cheek giving her strength. "I bounced from family to family, nothing was permanent, nothing was guaranteed, and there was no love. But Nick, he's everything to me now, I can't think of anything else but loving him except his loving me..."

"Do you two think you can care for each other like that forever?" When both nodded a match flared and a candle lit and a sweet looking older woman appeared in the candlelight. "Well, ya probably can't, but if you can continue to try, you'll be doing a sight better than most couples that I married. Go on young man, kiss your bride."

"Bri... wha?" Octavia couldn't get the words out before Nick turned her face toward him and their lips met. As they kissed, both were filled with a warm, almost ecstatic feeling of relief, they were no longer scurrying about the discworld terrified that they would lose each other, they were a team, and all the churches, priests, flowers, and wedding gowns couldn't bring them anywhere closer to that one perfect moment what they were feeling.

"And that's how we do it in the mountains," grinned Nana. "You two were already married in your hearts, you just needed someone to tell you it was true."

Nick sat in a cozy chair next to Nana and pulled Octavia onto his lap while Gaspode curled up at his feet. The wonder dog was confused, he could see Nana and he could hear Nana, but he couldn't smell Nana, and for a dog, that made her invisible. "Do you do this a lot?" asked Octavia as Nick held her tight.

"Weddings? Not as much as I used to, most folk stop asking after you die, but when I see a couple that truly needs to tie the knot, I step in. As witch in these parts, that job is going to fall to you."

"I'm not a witch Nana," said Octavia, "I worked too hard to get my certification as a wizard and..."

"I weren't talking to you, I was talking to your hubby," said Nana. "He's the most dangerous kind of witch, a witch with both book learning and a heart." She saw the shocked look on Nick's face, "You'll do fine Mister Witch, just do a good job and the love will come. These are good people, just a bit slow on the uptake."

"No that's not it... We're really married?" gasped Nick.

"You'll have to present yourselves to the king and queen at Lancre Town, Queen Magrat was a witch so she will be interested in meeting you, but yes, you're married forever and ever, and Queen Magrat will supply the official decree. It's how Herb and I got married..." a misty expression of happiness spread over Nana, and she leaned back in her rocking chair. "He and I got married out on the porch, we said our I Want Yous and headed upstairs." She laughed at a memory and said, "I was so worried that he'd find out I was a witch, but he knew all along. He kinda liked the idea too."

"How long ago was that Nana?" asked Octavia.

"That was over sixty years ago... before we married, we wuz wild, but we found ways to stave off the urges." She looked back through the misty veil of time and laughed. "My maiden name was Wolf, we wuz Appalonia Wolf and Herb Partridge... My Herb once told me that he was the first Partridge to ever eat a Wolf." Octavia and Nana laughed over that remark, but Nick was confused.

"I don't get it."

"The velum!" gasped Octavia before Nick could be enlightened about voracious partridges. "What is the secret to the Thaumatin Velum?"

"There's no secret dear," said Nana, "The wizards refused to make it, they left it up to us witches to make it for them. Then they just forgot how to make it and everything about it and all they had to do was ask." She pointed to the table next to the chair Nick and Octavia were sitting on, "In that drawer is everything you need to know." And with that, Nana Partridge leaned over, blew out the candle and was gone.

In the drawer were several sets of papers, crudely written and badly spelled instructions on maintaining the property, an introductory letter addressed to Queen Magrat signed by Nana Partridge introducing the last couple she married, Nick and Octavia Stein. The letter was dated "in the Year of the Concerned Mollusk" which was ten years ago. In an envelope were two simple gold rings, Nick slipped the smaller one on Octavia' ring finger and she slid the large one on Nick's finger and they fit perfectly.

When they parted their kiss they also found in the drawer, tied with a ribbon, was the instructions on how to create Thaumatin Velum... Velum is prepared animal hide that can last for centuries with a minimum of preservation efforts, and it can be scraped clean to be used for other purposes. It needs to be enchanted for a spell written on it to work and this scroll reveals the secret to enchanting the writing material.

Nick was not versed in too many ancient languages, mostly Kuian {it's the language of the magical sunken kingdom of Ku and the language used for most spells. Other than that, it's only used to list ingredients on product labels and possible side effects on over the counter medications}, the instructions for the Thaumatin Velum were written in Mahatmah, a language so old it predated the advent of spoken conversation. "Oh my!" gasped Octavia as she read the scroll. "No wonder why the wizards cannot make their own Thaumatin Velum. The process involves sex."

"Sects? Well, of course, everybody knows you should never allow magic and religion to..."

Octavia stifled her new husband with a soft hand. "Not sects, sex. It involves the cojoining of the male and female bodies. The wizards took a vow of celibacy, that's why they had the witches enchant the velum!"

"Celibacy? I thought that had something to do with voting."

"I'll have a word with your instructor," she said with an ominous glance at Mesquite. The walking stick had climbed into an olliphont foot umbrella stand by the door and was trying to appear inconspicuous. Octavia returned the scroll to the drawer and stood, coaxing her new husband out of the chair. "Let's explore."

The fireplace was central to the wide open ground floor, the kitchen was well appointed with a white enamel covered dual fuel stove/oven. Dual Fuel was all the rage decades ago, the stove could burn wood or coal. Shelves and cupboards filled the house with devices and novelties passed down from generation to generation, from cottage owner to cottage owner.

Upstairs they found two rooms, one room held a beautiful antique crib, rocking chair, and other furniture that a person needs in their first year of life, the other room contained a wardrobe, dresser, hope chest, and the biggest bed Nick had ever seen in his life. Nick sat on the edge of the bed, bouncing, while Gaspode hopped up and curled up at the end of the bed. "Dis is da life!" he groaned happily as he drifted off to sleep.

"Come on," said Octavia as she urged Nick up and off the bed, "Just a little bit more to explore," she said with an expectant smile. She led him downstairs and out the back to a porch back there. They found a tool shed, and a "Critter Shed" with stalls for a goat and a cow, a pen for pigs, and a coop for chickens. At the end of the back porch there was a two seat out house, a "Two Holer," and a shower.

"What is this for?" asked Nick as he pulled a chain and water sprayed down from above.

"It's to prevent stinky husbands," insisted Octavia. "If you're working out in the garden or in the shed and you want to make some enchanted velum, I'm going to insist that we use this first."

"I don't get it."

"You're going to," said Octavia as she nudged Nick onto a bench. She's never been in this predicament before, she doesn't have a long sexual history having three lovers in her past and one of them was a woman, but that taught her a road map of her own body, she can use that to teach Nick. She eased off her robes and stood naked before him, looking to see where his eyes spent most of their time, but after a tour of her lush body they returned to her eyes.

For his part, Nick wasn't stupid, but he was ignorant of the sexual side of his being. He had spent his entire life trying to stay alive, there were no urges other than hunger and fear in his life and the only people he ever felt close to were Octavia and Gaspode. These feelings he was having for Octavia were completely new and entirely scary. She slipped off his worn out boots and washed his feet with a damp cloth then she urged him to stand. "Let's get these clothes off of you."

Nick was confused, but for once in his life, he wasn't scared. She eased his robes off of him and traced her fingers down his chest. She had seen him naked when changing his bandages in Four Ecks, but he wasn't conscious then and neither was his cock... oh my! It's conscious now! Her hand closed around his long, thick cock and he suddenly looked panicked. Pleasure, real pleasure streamed through his body, his cock became the center of his universe and suddenly something happened in his brain. He has stroked his cock before, but it felt nothing like this! Her hand felt so good, then an explosion of GOOD happened, and it kept happening over and over, his body jerked in time with the pulsations of his cock, his body was out of his control. Octavia's soft, warm hand stroked up and down his cock causing more and more intense pulsations, and soon it became too good. "Stop! Please stop - it's too much," he said with a small laugh in his voice, and he sank back to the bench.

"Wow! That was incredible!" said Octavia as she gently milked Nick's cock.

Nick raised his passion heavy eyelid and grinned a sated grin, "It was..." then he noticed that Octavia was covered with a milky white substance. "Did I do that to you?" he gasped in terror.

"Yes, you did," she grinned, she appeared to be happy about being covered with that white goo. It was in her hair, on her face, on her breasts... everywhere she directed it to go. Before he could apologize, she quickly said, "This is good, I like when it happens, it makes both of us feel better, and if we use it right, we can make a baby!" Her grin was huge and genuine, and she urged him up off the bench.

They showered and the whole time their soapy hands explored each other's body Nick thought, "MAKE a baby?" He never thought you could actually make a baby; he thought that babies just happened. When you spend your entire life fighting for scraps of bread and watching friends die at the hands of bigger men for a scrap of meat, human reproduction is not a primary concern. In fact, the women he knew were also vying for that moldy potato that stands between them and starvation so romance never entered his mind until the day a woman pretending to be a man asked him what he would do with her on an island.

Squealing with laughter, Octavia led Nick to the bedroom by the hand, and when they reached the softest bed Nick had ever lay on {actually the only bed Nick has ever laid on} his cock was hard and throbbing again.

Trembling with her own excitement, Octavia introduced Nick to the wonders of the female body. She had to show him everything that she liked and in the end was grateful for that experience. He traced a figure eight around her large breasts, back and forth, around and around. "What are you doing?" she asked as he traced the figure eight.

"This is the figure eight, the sign of perfection, the sign of Octavia, the sign of my love for you. It's the symbol of infinity, which is the length of time I will love you."

"Mmm," she sighed as their lips met, "did you become a witch? Or a poet?"

Soon he was pinching and twisting her left nipple while he suckled and gnawed on her right nipple. His naïve but enthusiastic lovemaking on her breasts brought her to the edge of an orgasm. "So good honey, let's move downward," and she urged him lower by pressing his shoulders downward. His lips drew a line of kisses from her breast to her belly button where he paused and tickled her there with a wriggling tongue until she curled up laughing, her mind confused with the tickle and the passion.

Then lower, she gave him a tour of her vagina and that marvelous spot that loves to be touched. "Can I lick you there?" he asked innocently. Her scent was addictive, and he found that her flavor was nirvana.

"Give me a finger," she gasped as his attention began scrambling her thoughts. He slowly eased a finger inside of her pussy and found her insides to be warm and moist and he realized before she told him that this was where his cock was going to go. He began to slide that finger in and out of her pussy and she smiled then leaned her head back and gasped as the sensations overwhelmed her. She has had sex before, but never with someone she loved. The addition of that love was an aphrodisiac that overwhelmed her.

Without being prompted Nick added a finger and began to slide two fingers in and out of Octavia giving her overwhelming excitement. One of her hands was on a breast, the other grasping Nick's wrist pulling his fingers into her faster, deeper... then he went back to licking her clit sending Octavia out of her mind.

"Now!" she gasped, "fuck me now!"

Her demand confused Nick; he was fucking her - oh wait. He got the hint when she began pulling him upwards and aligning his cock with her soaking pussy he eased inside of the only woman he would ever love.

His single eye met both of hers and they grinned at each other both in joy and accomplishment, then after a long pause as they got used to each other's bodies, he began moving. He eased his thick cock in and out of her vagina and with a long, sensuous kiss they encouraged each other to greater efforts. Soon his cock was driving in and out of Octavia with abandon. The sound of their bodies slapping together filled the cabin and soon their cries of passion were heard.

Octavia wrapped her legs around Nicks ass and locked her ankles, then clawing his back she shrieked "Cum in me!" as her orgasm struck.

With a roar Nick joined her in ecstasy firing volley after volley of sperm into her already soaked vagina. Their hands roamed over each other's bodies desperately trying to find a way to hold each other closer, then as the waves of ecstasy washed away, they were left with a feeling of fulfillment and peaceful joy. Nearby Gaspode curled up in a pool of sunlight and slept, happy that the humans finally figured out that part of their relationship. Happier still that he didn't have to find a bucket of ice water.

Nick didn't want to go to sleep but he could barely keep his eyes open, what did she do to him? The room was quite warm even though the windows at both ends of the house were open, which didn't help Nick's fight with the nap that was creeping up on him. Recognizing that Nick was nodding off, Octavia softly said, "Let's go wash lover." She led him downstairs, but he was so mesmerized by her delightful, perfect ass that he didn't notice that she led him out the front door and down to the pond where they splashed and played like children until the sun began to sink lower in the sky.

Returning to the house they found a basket on the porch containing bread, cheese, a roast chicken and various fruits. While they played and splashed and made love on their lawn, a neighbor walked past them unseen and left a gift basket. It caused Octavia to realize that she's going to look at each one of her neighbors from now on wondering if it was him or her that dropped it off while they played and got an eyeful. She suspected that they did get an eyeful because the note left with the basket said "It's so nice to get newlyweds to move to Creel Springs. {They were on the far end of the pond playing under Gula's spray when the basket was dropped off, the neighbor didn't see anything but Octavia will wonder for years}

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The newlyweds found that living in Creel Springs was the most wonderful experience either of them ever had. Their fearful mission was still ahead of them, but there was another delay. Their only source for velum, Bruce Bockschecker, went on a walkabout, and when he gets back some other Bruce will bring them the Velum. That gave Nick and Octavia the chance to fall in love with a life that neither one of them wanted nor expected.

As the days went by many of the villagers stopped in to wish the young couple well and quite often, they would ask Nick about a pain or have a question about one of their farm animals. Octavia didn't have to say, "I'm sorry but I'm not a witch," they all seemed to know that Nick would be able to come up with the right solution for them. The guys would ask Octavia a question about enchanted farm implements and Octavia could fix a plow and fix the spell that allowed the plow to scour like no other. The townsfolk just knew the roles were reversed and it was amazing for Nick and Octavia to experience.

Meanwhile, the more that Nick and Octavia inventoried their bookstore the more they realized that they have an inventory of amazingly powerful books. Octavia asked herself again, why were only a very few of them chained down?

"Because there's no wizards here to drive them crazy," said Nick.

"We're both wizards," Octavia reminded Nick.

"Yeah, but we're not crazy."

"Crazy for sex," she whispered then licked his ear. The entire week has been a sex drenched celebration of love, they were more than ready to enchant some velum.

"I'm trying to make us some money," he reminded Octavia but he still pulled her into his lap and tickled her until she squealed.

"G'day mates!" called a familiar voice from the stacks.

"G'day Bruce!" called Nick and Octavia Stein as the Ecksan librarian Bruce Dinkum stepped into their shop. "How ya doin' mate?" asked Nick.

"Oi have one hundred sixty six sheets of velum here for a little magic if you can find the time," grinned Bruce as he laid a package on a countertop. "One hundred fifty for the cause, fifteen for you, and one to make the magic."

"It will be ready tomorrow morning," said Octavia and she got up from Nick's lap and counted fifteen sheets of velum from the package and handed them to Nick then took the package and waving goodbye she left the shop. As she walked up Main Street she had a smile on her face, a spring in her step and a swivel in her hips that was telling the world, "I'm getting some Dick tonight."

"Good afternoon Octavia," said the first resident of Creel Springs that she met, Ophilia d'Mahrk. "Hamlette and I heard that you and that nice fella of yours got married."

Octavia decided to be honest and see what Ophilia's reaction would be. "Yes Miss d'Mahrk. Not one hour after meeting you we walked up to Nana Partridge's cottage and she performed the ceremony for us."

Ophilia smiled and nodded happily. "What a dear, you know, Nana has been dead for more'n ten years and she's still doing everything she can for Creel Springs. I don't know what we'll do if we ever lose her." She smiled remembering sweet Nana Partridge. "And how are you two love birds getting on? I'm sure this is a change from what you're used to."

"We are loving life here in Creel Springs. Nick was born and raised in Ankh-Morpork; I was born there too but I was a foster child, so I moved from place to place, mostly academic families donchaknow. But I think this is where Nick and I will stay and raise our children."

Nick watched Octavia through the window and his heart swelled with love and happiness. This is life in small town Kingdom of Lancre and it's better than anything he could have dreamed of. "She's a little anti-social t'day, wouldn't ya say?" Bruce interrupted Nick's reverie. "I show up and she runs away."

"She's taking the sheets up to the house where we will prepare them this afternoon, or maybe tonight. If this works properly, we probably won't be here tomorrow. The finished velum will be in that box, just leave the money on the counter."

"You gonna be off monster hunting?"

"In a manner of speaking." Nick shrugged off that line of conversation, there's something Out There that has Octavia nervous, she rarely mentioned it before but as this mission has finally become real, she sounded worried when she talked about what they are going to do in Krull. To clear his mind, Nick showed Bruce around the bookshop and the scriptorium that he was so proud of. "I'm doing some calligraphy for the royal family's return from Zamphis, that's what the extra velum is for."

"You have some mighty powerful books here, but they don't seem so anxious as the ones in our library."

"We were just talking about that; my guess is that we don't have so many wizards here making them crazy."

Bruce thought about it and said, "Ya might have a point there mate, you only have two wizards here."

"One actually," Nick shrugged. "I'm not really a wizard, I'm more like an honorary member of the team. I'm more like a witch. The locals are coming to me for all their medical needs and problems with their livestock. Octavia is a much better wizard than most I've met and I'm getting compliments on my witchcraft. I'm actually getting pretty good at potions; there's an anti-fungal brewing over the fire right now."

Bruce didn't argue with him, the lad is right, the blokes conferred the title of Bush Witch on him after that row in the bush, and Bush Witch is also called Medicine Man and in other parts of the disc it is also called Witch. To change the subject he said, "I thought I smelled sheep on the barbie."

"There's some ribs on the smoker. The locals pay in food, which we love. We're planning on canning fruit and veggies for winter already." Nick wasn't quite sure what that was all about, winter is cold and rainy, he's not sure what the locals were so upset about when anyone mentions winter.

The two friends shared one last tallie before Bruce headed back, and just before he left, Nick pulled his master key out from under his shirt. It hangs from a red ribbon around his neck. "Octavia and I both have one of these, it's the key to the front door, I have a silver one, hers is gold. If you need us and the shop's not open, light that purple candle in that window," and he pointed to the window that overlooked the blacksmith's yard. "That's a messenger candle, I have one in our cottage that will light the moment you light this one and one of us will come get you."

"That is totally bonzer!" gushed Bruce.

"If something happens to one or both of us, the keys end up right here," and he showed Bruce the desk drawer where he first found the keys. "Always check here first, if you don't mind."

Bruce's blood ran cold, he understood exactly what Nick was telling him. "I'm sure I won't see any keys in there mate. G'day!"

After Bruce left, Nick locked up one piece of velum in the scriptoria with the original parchment framed up next to the blank sheet of sheepskin then he sat down to copy the spell that would turn other sheets of sheepskin into Thaumatin Velum. According to Octavia the ink didn't matter nor did the pen nib or even the font Nick chose to write in, he could copy it over in cursive if he was in a hurry. But Nick wanted to make an exact duplicate, if for no other reason than to give him practice and it didn't take long. He copied two other spells on normal velum after getting that first spell complete.

Selling and buying books didn't make them much money, but potions and calligraphy made them good money in the long run. Also, a form of magic that he brought back from XXXX was making them incredible money. Bruce {one of the Bruces, Nick forgot which one} taught him about the magic that happens when the smoke from a hickory or mesquite fire is allowed to enchant a brisket or rack of ribs. {In the hands of the right wizard it turns that cut of meat into money} Right now, three racks of ribs were just coming to perfection, two for Trei, the village blacksmith, and one for him and Octavia. Davis paid Trei three racks of ribs for some work on a wagon, Nick cooks the meat for Trei which Trei pays Nick a rack of ribs for smoking the two racks for him. You can't beat an economy like that.

As for velum - they were selling Thaumatin Velum to Bruce for half an Ecksan moolah each (10 sheet minimum) and for every 10 sheets enchanted Nick required an extra blank sheet for shop stock. He knew that Bruce was selling each sheet to the Unseen University for a moolah each and to Brazeneck College for two moolah each and their agreement allowed Nick to sell Thaumatin Velum to unaffiliated wizards for whatever price he could get. To meet this and the need of velum for calligraphy jobs, Bruce Bockschecker has already promised Nick and Octavia five hundred sheets, but they're not holding their breath waiting for Bruce.

Nick copied the spell that makes the conversion from sheepskin that can hold ink to velum that can hold magic happen. It's a circumstantial spell meaning that it doesn't have to be read or spoken, just as long as the circumstances are met the spell will activate, in this case a wizard or a witch having sex on a bed just above where the velum is stored, and that's why there's no Thaumatin velum available, there's no sexually active wizards available and no one asked a witch. Nick finished copying the spell for the Rite of Prose Mino which read little better than bad poetry, followed by one more spell, then rolled up the scrolls, and changed the sign on the door. Before he left he lit a small candle, then he turned around and took one of the scrolls out of his robe and set it on a pot belly stove in the corner.

When he turned back to his desk and there sitting at the desk was the shade of Besingger Floyd, wizard. "Doctor Floyd? Could you do me a favor?"

The shade of the old wizard looked at him like he was just interrupted from a dream, bright pink cheeks, white whiskers and flowing locks, his robe was bright orange trimmed with black fur. "Yes my boy, just ask."

"If I don't come back from this mission, let her know this scroll is here for her. Tell her to read it anywhere she wants but it would be better alone. Could you do that?"

"Hmm? Yes of course. And what if she doesn't come back?"

"If she doesn't come back, I won't be coming back either. Make sure that Bruce Dinkum gets the keys, he's a wizard from Four Ecks, can you do that?"

"Of course, but son, her death doesn't mean..."

"Her death means that I failed. I don't know if you could live with me if that happened, but I couldn't." Nick blew out the candle and the image of Besingger Floyd, wizard, faded away.

At the same time, Octavia was wrapped in a towel talking to Nana Partridge. "Darling," Nana was saying, "women everywhere face the same situation, you wouldn't believe how many young women will tell you that they're not going to survive childbirth."

"This isn't childbirth Nana, this is big and I have a very bad feeling about it. Just tell me you'll take care of him, please?"

"Calm yourself, I'll watch over him."

"Gotta go!" Octavia blew out the candle and Nana faded from sight.

Nick walked up the path from the pond with the smoked ribs wrapped in paper and he saw that Octavia was standing in the cabin's doorway, totally naked. Nick was so in love with this woman that he almost cried whenever he headed off to the bookstore in the morning without her. She is going to want to set out as soon as possible so this may be their last night together.

As is now becoming their daily ritual she undressed him and led him to the pond where the couple splashed and played and sometimes made love. That day they kissed gently, waist deep in the warm pond water, Gula spraying them from the waterfall, Gaspode pretending he's much too mature for this country living routine until a squirrel wandered past and the chase was on.

Nick tried to put on a brave face but it was getting more difficult as the days went by, she needed to perform the rite of Prose Mino months ago, a spell that would release the baby world turtles so they could take cover in the passing nebula before the world eating leviathan attacked them, but the report from Krull is that the leviathan has been spotted and it has been feeding on asteroids, and it's getting big.

The look on her face told him that she heard the reports too.

After washing each other gently and kissing away the poorly hidden tears, Nick led his wife back to the cottage by the hand and up the stairs. Up there the heat of the day still reigned, and Octavia slid a small wooden box out from under the bed, it contained the blank velum pages that Bruce delivered earlier that afternoon, now he placed the page that contained the spell he copied on top of the stack of blank velum along with the spell for the Rite of Prose Mino and slid the box back under the bed.

Octavia pushed him down on the bed and lay down next to him, she began trying to get life into his limp cock by stroking in gently, but he was not responding, normally his cock would be so hard it ached. The fear of this mission was getting to him too, so Instead of teasing him, Octavia started kissing him, giving him reassurance, kissing her way from his lips to his nipple. She tongued and suckled on his small teat and she began to be rewarded by signs of life in his cock. She grew even more aggressive when suckling his nipple and felt life in his cock, little pulses that she felt in her fingertips as she gently stroked him.

Octavia changed her mind and tried a different approach, something she disliked in the past. Her first "lover" an ancient wizard who used her like a cheap Ankh-Morpork Peal Street whore. He raped her mouth over and over and when the wizard librarian who she was studying under at the time found out, he tortured her rapist, then threw her out. She laid her head on his flat stomach and began kissing the head of his poor limp cock. Her tongue gently swirled around its head, and she started to realize that this wasn't the enemy that attacked her years ago, this is her husband, her lover. "I'm sorry," she whispered to his cock, sorry for not doing this earlier. How many times in the past week did she ride Nicks face as he sucked her pussy, swallowing her juices? It's time to return the favor.

She moved between his legs and began licking his balls, and sure enough his cock twitched with life as she sucked one of his balls into her mouth and she began to swirl her tongue around it, faster and faster. She heard a groan, what did he say? She stroked his now hard cock while sucking on his other ball. "Façade!" he whispered.

Octavia squealed in excitement, he called out her false name, the name they use when it's prudent that their real names remain secret. "Façade..." he groaned as her tongue slowly slid up the length of his cock and she began to swallow his length. His cock was too big to violate her throat, but he groaned in delight as her lips covered more and more of his shaft. "This is for you Porter," she whispered in reply and plunged her mouth down on his phallus taking more than half of his throbbing length into her mouth and entering her throat.

She pulled her mouth off of his cock pulling hard making a nasty slurping sound. "Watch me Porter," she whispered to her make believe lover. Sucking his cock some more, plunging her mouth over it, over and over, her tongue slavering on the sensitive underside.

"Ohhh Façade!" he groaned, "... so good..."

Then she crawled over him, "I want you in me Porter, I want your cock in me," she rose up and lined his cock up with her pussy then began to slowly lower herself down on his hard dick. She groaned deep in her throat as she felt her pussy being stretched wide open. Her brown eyes locked onto his remaining eye, "Fuck me Porter," she demanded as she began rising and falling.

As her excitement built, she leaned forward and propped herself up on her arms, her big, full breasts were swinging back and forth as she drove herself back on his cock, her clit rubbing against his groin. "I want your cum in me Porter Strongback!"

"Yessss," he groaned through gritted teeth. He gripped her ass and drove himself into her deeper and deeper. They were out of control, fucking each other almost violently. "Fuck me Façade Incognito," he gasped.

As they both came there was a brilliant flash of octarine light from under the bed, her orgasm rattled her mind and his cock pumped what felt like a pint of sperm into her womb.

"I love you Octavia Stein," Nick said as he kissed the sweaty brow of the passionate lover that lay sprawled on his chest.

When his breathing became soft and regular and Octavia was certain that he was asleep she whispered, "I love you Pommeraie de la Montesquieu Stein... I wanted to have your baby..." stifling a sob she eased her way out of the bed and pulled on her traveling robes. She gathered the velum from under the bed and slipped out of the room.

"Where ya goin'?" asked Gaspode as he watched Octavia pull on her hiking boots.

"I've got some work to do," she said. She had to keep her words as vague as possible but completely honest because no one can spot a lie like Gaspode.

"Work you don't want Nick to see you doing?"

Octavia chose not to answer that question. Gaspode will see her subterfuge, but it's better than letting him figure it out. "I need you to stay with Nick, he needs your friendship." And with that she slipped out the door and into the night.

Gaspode was in shock, she left! "Whimper..." was all he could say. He stood on the porch and watched her walk down Nana's driveway, the moonlight illuminating her path.

"Did she say where she was going?" asked Nick as he stepped onto the porch next to Gaspode.

"No, but you know where."

"I was hoping she wouldn't do that..." He held the porch door open for Mesquite who stepped out without a word. Nick locked the door with his Master key then said, "You two up for a bit of a run?"

"Let's do it," snarled Gaspode and crouched in a starting position.

"I'm your broom, Sir Witch," said Mesquite.

"Let's do it," agreed Nick. He stepped off the porch and allowed the power from that ancient and very grateful book Vanemate Rasside Jõud loose in his veins. Power like that would ruin any other wizard because power is what they craved, but Vanemate Rasside Jõud realized that Nick was not that kind of wizard. He was on the money more than he suspected when he told Bruce that he was a witch now. Wizards crave and covet power, witches distain power, they think it's "showy" and "boorish" to be flashing power around like that. But when a witch needs power and she has access to power like Vanemate Rasside Jõud, she uses it.

The transformation only took a moment, but it gave Gaspode a head start. As soon as Nick had transformed, he took off after his friend, running and laughing like they did as a boy and his dog but this time Nick is on even footing with his four legged friend. They dashed toward the pond then roared around the hubward end, coming out of the banked turn they took off like a pair of rockets being trailed by a very fast stick toward the forest. Leaping over the brook that babbled out of the pond they entered the forest where Gaspode's lead over Nick began to fade and soon Nick was in the lead.

Laughing and whooping the trio raced, dodging trees, leaping over logs, running through the woods with a purpose but loving every step for the sheer joy of running. Being a dog Gaspode could run all day long, dogs were built for speed and distance, but once they reached the forest it was Nick that had the advantage, because in the woods, nothing runs like a deer.

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{The moons that obit most planets are small planets themselves, tiny dead planetesimals that reflect the light of the sun thereby giving their planets below the different moon phases. The moon that orbits the discworld is actually a failed micro star. Like the sun that orbits the discworld, the moon generates its own light caused by its passing through the magical field around the discworld. The moon and the sun are roughly the same size, the sun was more efficient in using the magical field to generate yellow light so the sun's light is more in tune with the rainbow of natural hydrogen based stars while the moon's light is closely in tune with a very inexpensive LED bulb.}

Octavia opened the door to their bookstore by the bluish light of the moon and found a few notes from the locals requesting specific titles. Nick will find them for his customers, it's like the people of the village know that Nick and Octavia have access to every book ever printed and quite a few that haven't been written yet. She laid the notes on his desk then set the velum in the out box for Bruce Dinkum. There were two sheets that had spells on them and they were ready to cast, one was marked "For my darling Octavia, open when we're together." The other one was marked The Rite of Prose Mino; she reviewed that spell and realized that Nick was right, they ran from side to side of the Discworld to gather up that spell and it reads like sentimental gibberish. It had better work.

She looked around the bookstore one last time, her nervous breathing shuddered in her chest, what was she waiting for? She looked out the door window one last time and saw no one approaching so she locked the door and headed back for the stacks. She paused in the narrow aisle and looked back at the dusty little store that they both fell so in love with and sniffed back a sob. It probably wouldn't have worked out anyhow... and she was gone.

The trip through L-Space was difficult, the aisles that led to Krull were tight and filled with rolled up scrolls which caused her to wonder if she took a wrong turn and was heading backward in time, but she checked a scroll in the Keluaran Baharu {New Releases} section and one of the scrolls was dated The Year of the Constipated Geode, which was just two years ago. She shrugged and put it back and squeezed through the aisles until she came to the Library of the Grand Observatory of Krull.

She expected the library to be completely empty because she arrived at midnight, but all the royal Astro-zoologists and Proto-diluvian theorists along with wizards from all over the disc were awake and gathered in the auditorium some were in pajamas, some were in robes but all were in an uproar. Someone was lecturing, she couldn't see who, but she could hear the gruff voice.

"This leviathan is the Pétra Trógon Vasiliás, the Rock Eater King." Suddenly every one of Octavia's nightmares appeared at the head of the auditorium. A monstrous winged worm with a maw that could swallow a world, relatively tiny eyes ringed an opening surrounded by rows of teeth that were longer than she was tall ringed the mouth. The beast that her mind could only describe as animated hate glared at her, and she saw that it had no throat, just a round opening that went deeper and deeper into the depths of hell, surrounded by ever more rows of teeth. It was a world eating machine, each circular row of teeth sheared off a layer of the asteroid, moon, or planet that it ate. It looked at her and roared a terrifying call to battle and the thought of those precious baby world turtles being shredded by this hell spawn monster filled her with sorrow and dread.

It's wings unfolded and it bellowed flames directly at Octavia. There was a huge outcry of terror from the wizards and Octavia joined them in her shriek of terror, then suddenly it froze in its attack position even the flames froze. And then the cries of horror stopped and the great minds of the entire disc started to chuckle, then applaud.

"DON'T LAUGH!" came the narrators voice again. "If Pétra Trógon Vasiliás consumes two of the immature world turtles following us, it will absorb enough nutritional and magical energy to threaten our disc. If it eats all eight, IT WILL BE ABLE TO SWALLOW US WHOLE!"

Many of the wizards and Proto-diluvian theorists began to harumph {in unison which multiplies the audacity of the harumph} but the nightmare up on the stage swallowed up its flames and pointed to an Astro-zoologist and the announcer said, "Doctor Stoat?"

The Astro-zoologist walked up to the megaphone stand to speak and Octavia noticed for the first time that the megaphone stand was manned by a dog. A familiar looking wire haired terrier was sitting on a box looking into the cone of a megaphone, from the narrow end. {A sketch artist covering the meeting for The Ankh-Morpork Times sold signed prints of his drawing titled "Echoing His Master's Voice"} The scholar stepped up to the megaphone, a huge cone mounted on an upright pole and said, "Thank you Doctor Stein."

"Don't mention it," said Gaspode.

Gaspode? Octavia couldn't believe it. Gaspode hopped off stage and made his way to Octavia and he sat down next to her. "Doctor Stein?" she asked.

"Don't be silly, Doctor Stein is either you or your husband. I'm your brother-in-law Gaspode W. Stein."

"What does the W stand for?"

"Wonder-dog."

"What is going on here?" she hissed.

"Nick is showing them what we are up against and I'm providing the color commentary."

"Why are you doing this?" she asked in her firmest librarian whisper.

"They were not going to let you walk out on Tähelepanek Point and cast a spell," whispered Gaspode. "When Rincewind and Twoflower screwed that pooch, Krull has cracked down on everything from research to magical intervention. We had to wake them up to the danger we're in. Now the damn thing is so big we may be screwed anyhow."

On the stage the Astro-zoologist, Dr. Stoat was explaining the growth of Pétra Trógon Vasiliás, the planet eater. "Vhen ve first saw ze Pétra Trógon Vasiliás it vas relatifly schmall, but now after eatink several schmall moonz und asteroits, it is now zis tzize."

The planet eater on stage suddenly expanded to three times its original size, terrifying the assembled men of magic and pseudo-science. "It iz now a threat to ze disch vorld, turtle, und elephantz. Zank you Doktor Schtein."

The planet eating nightmare suddenly shrank down to Nick. "Thank you Doctor Stoat," said Nick. "This is not my work, tracking this beast has been an ongoing job of the Astro Chelys department of the University at Krull. I believe our best and only hope is to release the infants into the Nebula where they can hide and be safe from the rock-eater." He pointed to a man in the front who asked a question that Octavia couldn't hear. "Good question, maybe my wife can answer that. Honey?"

The audience turned to the back and saw Octavia standing in the back wearing her enchantress robes. She wore them as a distraction for the occasional nay-sayer, she didn't realize that she would be in an auditorium full of men who were now regretting their vow of chastity.

Nick looked and saw his wife standing naked in the back of the auditorium. His tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth and his hands began to tremble as she walked towards him, he could see her bobbling breasts, her swaying hips, her nipples growing hard as she grew close. He could see the collar of her robes and the hem of them down by her ankles, a fabric hoop attached to nothing, and the thigh high black stockings added to his overall agony.

Octavia could feel Nicks eyes on her as she walked through the crowd, she could ignore their hungry eyes, but she couldn't ignore their voices as they gasped in shock, "Enchantress!"

She felt a large, soft hand take hers and she looked and there was her dad, leading her up to the podium. "Daddy?"

"Ook."

He led her up to Nick and placed her hand in Nicks then returned to the crowd. "He was reading our project notes," she whispered to Nick, "he joined the UU team that is studying this."

"Doctor Stein, what is the process of the rite of Prose Mino?"

"The rite of the Prose Mino is a spell that I intend to cast from Tähelepanek Point as soon as I can, the released young world turtles will dive for the nebula where they will be safe from the planet eater."

"It won't follow them into the nebula?"

"No, the nebula is a dust cloud, it will clog the respiratory tracts of the planet eater and kill it. The planet eater "Breathes" the inner stellar dust, which is very rarified, but the dust inside a nebula is far too compact, in essence it will drown."

A wizard asked, "The Rite of Prose Mino is a lost spell, how did you recover it?"

"We tracked it down in several libraries," said Nick. "The worlds three wizard educational institutions came together to train us and equip us with the knowledge and velum we needed to get the spell ready to cast."

"You found some thaumatin velum?" a shocked wizard asked.

"Found? No," said Octavia. Then wrapping herself around Nicks arm she said, "My husband and I made a hundred and fifty sheets last night."

The auditorium went wild with laughter, they couldn't believe she said something as preposterous as that! "What's so funny?" asked Octavia.

"It's a bit of a secret but the proper way to create thaumatin velum involves marital relations between a wizard and spouse."

"Correct," said Octavia with a saucy smile.

"But that would violate his oath of celibacy!"

"But witches don't take an oath of celibacy," insisted Nick.

"I'M the wizard," insisted Octavia taking Mesquite in her hands as a staff.

Again, the auditorium erupted in pandemonium until the Librarian shouted, "OOK!"

"I wish someone explained it like that the first time!" complained a miffed wizard, but by that time Nick, Octavia and Gaspode were gone.

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Tähelepanek Point

Tähelepanek Point is the one point on the circumference of the discworld where the landmass extends out past the rim, it's the only point where all three marvels of creation can be seen by the inhabitants of the discworld. One can see the circumference of the disk stretching off widdershins and the marvelous rimfall, the incredible waterfall that surrounds the rim. If one is brave, he can look down and see evidence of Great T'Phon, the mightiest of the four world bearing elephants. One can see his trunk far below, occasionally an ear flap is seen by observers to the celebration of all. {The last observed EFE {{Ear Flap Event}} was recorded Grune 5, Year of the Recalcitrant Armadillo} And below that, so far away that optics are needed, A'Tuin's tail is always in view.

Widdershins {counterclockwise} from Tähelepanek Point was the Great Balsamic Nebula, a giant wall made of dust and hydrogen gas, softly glowed an odd, depressing shade of mauve. No one knows if the plan will work, but hopefully that cloud is poison to a planet eating worm.

It was cold on top of Tähelepanek Point, and the only thing keeping them from a long boring fall into hell was a wooden post fence. Nick took Octavia into his arms for the first time in hours and there on the cold windy peak they kissed long and passionately. The work was over, the pain is done, forgive, forget, say the spell and go home to Creel Springs. "What? You're smiling," she said.

I just thought of going home," said Nick. "Home - I've never had a use for that word, my home was a pile of rubble, but right now the thought of our home makes the word so powerful. I want to say it again and again with you, forever and ever."

"Me too," said Octavia. "What a delicious word!" she said as she nibbled his ear lobe.

It's said that a wizard knows how and when he is going to die, and so does a witch but for them that's an acquired knowledge, when you start subtracting all the aches and pains from a healthy body you eventually end up with zero. But a witch knows something else. Every witch that has ever carried a child knew the moment that child became a tiny speck of reality, and that's why witch's children are so precious to them. Nick felt that tiny speck of reality also, in Octavia. He wasn't surprised, ever since their mountain wedding with Nana Partridge life has been a sex extravaganza, even tonight when they were both overwhelmed by feelings of doom, they still had sex.

Since the moment he met her he's been exposed to the ends of the discworld and wonders of the multiverse but now he realizes that they are nothing, a spit in a dry dusty bucket compared to the wonders and amazement in store for them due to that infinitely tiny spark of life growing inside of his enchantress.

"You're smiling again... but I've never seen that smile before."

"Ask me again when this is over ok?"

"Tell me!" but he had ducked down to talk to Gaspode and the Librarian, he asked them both to get Octavia away from the edge as soon as she finished casting the spell.

"Mission Control has given us clearance to start," said an Astro-zoologist and everybody started moving away from the top of Tähelepanek Point.

Nick took two scrolls out of his camouflaged bush robes and tucked one into her belt. He couldn't see her robes, but his fingers could feel them, all he could see was her delicious body, a sexy reward that was waiting for him. "Ok, this won't take long at all," and he opened up a scroll and stepped in between Octavia and the wooden fence and held up the scroll for her to read.

Was this it? Five lines? Easy peasy! She heard Nick call "I love you Façade!" above the increasing wind and she said, "I love you Porter!" then focused on the scroll in front of her.

Elas kord üks mees Nantucketist

She didn't remember reading the line but the words that she had read were floating in the air above Nick written on the wind in octraine fire {which is a good sign if you're a wizard} so she moved on to the next line...

Kes võttis sea tihnikusse persse

The old excitement was setting in, it's been so long since she cast a scripted spell that she forgot the excitement, no wonder why wizards take a vow of celibacy, a powerful spell is like good sex and nothing could stop you, this spell was creating a feeling just like that...

Siga ütles, et sa imelik

The words above Nick's head grew bigger and bolder with every word she uttered. Octavia was no longer reading the spell, somebody or something else was now reading it, but it wasn't her...

Mine mu tagant ära

Her voice was louder, out here on top of a mountain in gale force winds her voice had an echo the words burning and crackling above Nick were huge and hungry, the spell was reading her.

Tule ette ja ma imen selle!

The scroll in Nicks hands burst into flame but the spell wouldn't let him release the scroll. He shrieked in pain as the velum burned his hands, but as promised Gaspode and the Librarian started pulling Octavia back, she was fighting, she wanted to go to Nick and fought so strongly that Mesquite had to join in on pushing her back.

The words of the spell floated over his head and slowly coalesced into a ball of power and fury too bright to look at directly. The assembled men of pseudo-science drew back in terror as the ground began to shake from the soundless power that was throbbing just inches above Nick. The winds howled and threatened to blow Nick off the edge of the disc. Larger and larger the ball of furious power grew until it nearly touched a kneeling Nick then suddenly it shrank to the size of a man's fist, and a seed of power shot out over the edge of the disk in the direction of the infant turtles with a silent but deafening pulse.

Eight times the blazing ball of power grew then collapsed on itself and pulsed out a ball of blazing octarine power into space in the direction of the baby world turtles and with the eighth pulse it was over. The winds continued to howl and the gathered wizards and pseudo-scholars continued to shudder in terror, but their eyes followed the eight balls of light and power that sailed off into space. Then at once the balls flashed in a blinding, silent explosion over each baby world turtle and it was done. The wind dropped so suddenly that the people leaning into it almost fell over.

Nick was holding his burned hands on the frigid rock of Tähelepanek Point, he found that the cold rock helped soothe the burn, but he noticed a small secondary flash of octarine light, way out in space followed by another, and another, and a cheer went up from the control hut. "They're turning!"

The baby turtles were free, one by one they turned and swam hard for the nebula. Nick thought he saw a turtle shaped shadow against the nebula, and he started to get up, it was over! They can go home! That was when his whole world began to fall apart.

The librarian almost let his daughter run to her husband, but hell came to discworld at that very moment. Pétra Trógon Vasiliás, the planet eating worm was so enraged by its loss of a meal that it wheeled on the discworld, and tried to attack, but the worm was too small to take on an enraged world bearing elephant. As the worm attacked, a rebuff from the Great T'Phon's trunk the size of the Amazon River knocked the foul creature off course and the only thing it was able to eat was a chunk of rock that overhung the circumference - the chunk of rock that Nick was standing on.

"NICK!" Shrieked Octavia and Gaspode at the same time. Octavia wanted to run to the last place she saw Nick but it wasn't there, the entire section of mountain was gone, the worm missed grabbing Octavia, Gaspode and the Librarian by two feet. The rock was shorn away as cleanly as butter after a hot spoon scooped out a dollop.

Octavia continued to shriek "NICK!" over and over, her heartbreak silencing the joy of the occasion. One of the Astro-zoologists went to try to console Octavia, he wanted to tell her that all the baby turtles she worked so hard to save were safe in the nebula, and that it appeared that the Planet Killer followed something into the nebula and was currently dying an agonizing death, but she was inconsolable. The orangutan held her as she wept, the ape weeping also, as was the dog.

Several Bush Wizards came and crouched around the grieving family and Mustrum Ridcully, completely out of bluster, asked one of the Ecksan Bush Wizards, "Can you help them?"

As the gathered great minds of the disk respectfully opened a path to their great library for the librarian and his weeping daughter, Bruce scooped up an inconsolable wire haired terrier and said, "No worries mate, we'll get 'em home."

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The librarian carried his daughter one last time. They squeezed through the narrow aisles of the various libraries and book collections guided by her muffled directions. She wanted to go home, maybe their quilt still held his scent, she could lay on the bed and remember last night, their last night together. Her weeping and trembling broke the Librarian's heart as much as Gaspode's occasional mournful howl.

As they journeyed through the maze of gathered knowledge, she realized that she wanted something, she NEEDED something. "Daddy wait, put me down."

"Ook?"

"I have to do something you won't be very proud of... don't worry, it's horrible, but it's not terrible." Before he could stop her, she dashed down a side aisle and was lost to view. Gaspode lay down blocking the aisle and behind him Mesquite leaned diagonally across the aisle blocking Bruce Dinkum and Bruce Bockschecker from advancing also.

Octavia appeared shortly and they proceeded, a book cradled tightly in her arms, it was done. Façade Incognito had committed the unthinkable; She took a book from the library without properly signing it out. {ok, it may only be unthinkable to a librarian, but it's unthinkable to someone} Soon the sad group entered Nick and Octavia's Book Store and its stark familiarity stabbed Octavia to the core. She and Nick both fell in love with this little redoubt the moment they entered it, it was their fortress of solitude, a place where they could hide from their fears and terrors. They could take a book from any shelf and find themselves transported to worlds of wonder and joy. Two comfortable chairs next to the little potbelly stove had promised a warm nest for reading this coming winter, all of that was gone.

Bruce Dinkum noticed the Thaumatin Velum in the out box waiting for him and he picked up the package and handed Octavia a pouch full of moolah coins. "No, I don't..." she said trying to avoid the money.

"You're going to need that darlin'," said Bruce as Bruce Bockschecker placed a stack of "raw" velum in the In Box earning him a glare from Bruce Dinkum.

Octavia unlocked the front door and stepped into the fresh mountain air and her daddy joined her, but Bruce stayed back a little and opened a drawer that Nick had shown him, "Missy!" he called, but Octavia was walking toward their cottage, ignoring him.

The two Bruce's were overwhelmed with the beauty of the countryside and the quaint, pleasant little village that was Creel Springs. Next to the bookstore was the blacksmith's shop which looked like every poem ever written of that metal worker's paradise right down to the broad, shady tree that cooled the men of the village as they watched the blacksmith work.

"Thank your man for those mutton ribs last night!" called Trei the blacksmith between blows of his hammer. "They were perfect."

"Crikey!" said Bruce, "were those the ribs I brought yesterday?"

"No, said Octavia. "Two weeks ago."

Bruce and Bruce looked at each other, two weeks ago? How is that possible? They drew up alongside Octavia but she wasn't talking, she was clutching the book tightly and muttered as she walked. The Librarian said "Ook" softly before they asked anything.

"Aye mate. But we're here if she needs us."

On the other side of Main Street was a large water mill whose wheel was powered by the brook that came down the mountain from Nick and Octavia's cottage. The brook that supplied the waterpower started high up on Bear Mountain, filled Nick and Octavia's pond then splashed through the forest until it filled the mill pond behind the mill. Ducks swam and quacked happily on the mill pond, but their joy only darkened Octavia's mood as the small party crossed Main Street and followed Octavia up Nana's driveway to the cottage.

At the cottage Octavia went straight upstairs, crawled onto the bed and clutching her book tightly she prayed that she would never wake up. Gaspode leapt up on the bed and curled up at Octavia's feet hoping that if she doesn't wake up she takes him with her. As they lay shuddering before sleep could take them, Bruce and Bruce explored the cottage and the outbuildings behind the cottage. They discovered a set of doors lying almost flat on the ground and opening them they found themselves under the house in a frigid basement kept cold by blocks of ice dragged down from Bear Mountain over the winter. This is where the meat they brought was kept frozen. In there were bottles of beer {Tallies} which called for a celebration.

That evening, Bruce, Bruce, and the Librarian sat out on the porch and drank the beer while telling the librarian stories of Nick in Four Ecks softly as fireflies danced at the edge of the pond.

The next morning, word of what happened got out, and the people of Creel Springs responded. It didn't matter that Nick and Octavia were only here for a short time before Nick disappeared after saving something. What mattered was that their neighbor, their new witch was gone, and Octavia was alone.

In ones and twos they showed up to the cabin where Bruce and Bruce met them and soon the porch was covered with jars of canned vegetables and fruit, loaves of bread and sections of meat. Bruce and Bruce put most of it in the cellar while Octavia lay on the bed and wept.

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Nick woke up coughing up sand, his chest hurt horribly, and his head throbbed like he had been stomped on by more sheep, but he was alive. He was naked, thirsty, and it looked like he was alone on a tiny island, but he was alive. Yesterday? Longer ago? Earlier today? He didn't know how long it has been since he crouched on the frigid rocks of Tähelepanek Point, cooling his burned hands on the cold stone and looking over the edge. He was one second from standing up and joining Octavia while Gaspode and her dad pulled her back from the edge, then he saw that giant maw of hell coming up at him, slicing off a huge chunk of the discworld as it roared upwards in its anger.

He changed into something as quick as he could and the only something that he had in his mind to change into was the beast he became during the lecture to illustrate the threat to the gathered men of pseudo-science, a Pétra Trógon Vasiliás. Nick became the beast of his nightmares, a baby brother to the hell spawned beast that was coming up at him. He changed as the beast was slicing off the rocks he was standing on and he dove outward into space. Enraged, the beast turned toward him trying to eat the interloper. In his terror Nick did what the baby turtles were doing, and he headed toward the nebula.

Nick swam as hard as he could toward the nearest column of gas and dust trying to figure out how to not breathe in the column of dust while he's in the body of a beast designed to eat everything but breathe almost nothing. The answer appeared to be as simple as holding his breath, and for him it worked, the much larger beast dove straight into the nebula, roaring in anger, and soon what passed for its respiratory systems was overwhelmed with dust and it slowly drowning itself. Nick had swum around that first column of dust, in its anger to kill Nick the planet eater swam through the column and sealed its fate.

As the planet eater's inertia carried it into the nebula ensuring its demise, Nick struggled back to discworld, he was only partially successful at not scooping up the dust of the nebula, it's hard to not breathe when your mouth is fixed wide open. To make matters worse, A'Tuin was turning away from the nebula, moving away from him. All of the baby world turtles were hiding in the nebula now and A'Tuin was complete with this reproductive cycle, it was time for her to go somewhere else and eat.

Nick swam through space as hard as he could and eventually, he crossed over the rimfall, the perfect and beautiful waterfall that carries the water from the circle sea over the circumference of the disc. Not only was the rimfall beautiful but the rainbow that circled the disk, the rimbow has only been seen by a handful of people who survived to describe it later. Passing over the rim Nick found himself over the Great Circle Sea looking for anything familiar, but he was nowhere near Krull. He spotted an island and changed from a Pétra Trógon Vasiliás to human form, unfortunately he was so exhausted that he didn't realize how far off the ground he was, the last thing he remembered was the sand rushing up to slap him in the face.

Nick awoke hungry and thirsty, and found himself on a tiny island where there was nothing to eat or drink, the only thing on the island with him was Death. And Death was reclining in a wood and canvas beach lounger wearing black shrouds and sandals and reading the Sunday Times. "THREE TIMES LUCKY, I'M IMPRESSED," said the Anthropomorphic Personification of Death.

Nick spit sand out of his mouth and tried to drag his aching body toward the water line to maybe rinse the sand out with salt water. He didn't need to do that, as the sun rose, the island was disappearing under the rising tide. "I'm not a wizard, why am I seeing you?" gasped Nick.

Without looking up from his paper, Death said, "YOU ARE A WITCH, A HEALER. WE WILL BE COMPETING AGAINST EACH OTHER FOR THE LIVES OF YOUR PATIENTS."

"I can't be a witch, I'm a male."

Death turned the page to the sports scores. "IT'S YOUR FATE, THAT'S NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY."

Nick weakly spit sand out of his mouth, "Gods am I thirsty."

"NO ONE HAS EVER HEARD OF A THIRSTY SHARK," said Death as he began to fold up his newspaper.

"That was very nice of you, thank you," said Nick as he dragged himself to the waterline. Why didn't he think of that?

"LET'S CALL IT PROFESSIONAL COURTESY." Death folded up his lounge and faded from sight as Nick slipped under the waves dreaming of the day that he will teach his son to swim.

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Octavia sent Bruce Dinkum, Bruce Bockschecker and her Dad home but she couldn't get Gaspode, Gula, and Mesquite to leave {as Gula said "I ai aw ik oo" which caused Gaspode to start howling in sorrow again} so she lived on the porch. Many folk come to see the witch but they had to walk away disappointed, they needed a witch, not an enchantress which added to Octavia's depression.

A couple showed up with their crying daughter, the tiny thing had been bitten by something and her little arm was red and swollen and it hurt. Octavia lit the candle next to the rocking chair and Nana Partridge appeared, but she apologized and said, "I'm sorry dearie, but I'm retired now, after all, I died ten years ago, I need my rest. When Nick gets back, he can help you, but until then, Octavia darling, can you make up a salve for them? It's in my cookbook, page eighty three."

"Nana wait! When is he coming back? Nana?" but the ghost of Nana Partridge had blown out her own candle and disappeared leaving Octavia to make the salve herself.

It gets chilly in the mountains so one evening Octavia piled up some wood in the fireplace, pointed her finger at the wood, and nothing happened. She tried several different spells to light the fire but none of them worked, in fact none of her spells worked, so she lit Nana Partridge's candle with a match and when Nana appeared Octavia was angry. "Why isn't my magic working?"

"For that you need to speak to the wizard, Nick will answer "why" when he gets back, but it was Besingger Floyd who took your magic away."

"What do you mean when you said, "when he gets back?" demanded Octavia.

Nana whooped as if Octavia had told the greatest joke ever written. She finally said, "If Nick had died, that book which you hid under me would be a bunch of blank pages, wouldn't it..." she smiled that little smile that angers Octavia the most, but she realized it was an older experienced witch trying to enlighten a young, grieving wizard. "What does your book say little one?" Nana asked.

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Young Octavia Worblehat lived moving from one foster family to another, then on to another as she moved from one library to another through the scientific magic of L-Space. She lived happily devouring any book she could reach. Her foster mothers and fathers didn't mind her presence at all, she was a sweet, polite young girl completely dedicated to her first love: library science. To Octavia, books were living things to be loved, protected, and nurtured. She happily returned stacks of books to their shelves for her librarian foster parents, and she learned to repair bindings and dry out wet books. As she learned to move through time, she loved to see how some of her favorite books aged. The majority of the political discourses failed to age more than a year or two, but her favorites were in the Young Readers category where some remained popular for ages, and some crossed over from universe to universe. {Many publishers are keenly aware of L-Space and realize that they had a pool of reader tested material whose copyright laws didn't apply in their universe}

"Here's one you may like," said Marly, the round world librarian who she recently met for the first time and found a kindred spirit. Twelve year old Octavia gave the book a quick glance and saw that it was a discworld story which immediately interested her. Regardless of the advances in newspapers and post offices back home, literacy rates on discworld were far below 50% and in most places on the disc the literacy rate was in single digits. Reading for leisure was for the monied classes and there were very few young readers who had time for leisurely reading, so there was little need for books geared toward young readers on discworld. But outside of discworld, stories of the discworld were sold as fantasy and did quite well garnering millions of readers, legions of followers, and mountains of moolah. On the discworld those same books are filed under "Biography."

Her very favorite book was a story of a young boy who lived in abject poverty in some ruins next to a big castle filled with funny wizards. The boy's only friend was a small talking dog who lived in the ruins with him. The book was a chronical of their adventures in the slums of a big city, turning the boy's life of loneliness and despair into one of joy and laughter. Sadly, a bad man who wanted to make money with a talking dog grabbed the boy's only friend and the boy had to learn to live on his own in the shadow of a big spooky castle filled with wizards and strange magic. Years passed but the boy remained near the castle, soaking up magic from the radiation emitted by the castle but that's where he and the dog lived before the dog disappeared. The boy spent every day there hoping the dog would return, but he never did and one day the boy met a girl and moved on in life. Later in the book the boy, now a man, and the dog were reunited in a strange far away land filled with strange animals, and they vowed to stay together forever and they toured discworld and saw all of its mystical sights.

The man and the dog added a wife to their happy family and eventually they were blessed with children, and the call of the road grew fainter and fainter for the dog as the dog relived the joy of having a child to play with. In the end the talking dog passed away surrounded by his family and his two legged brothers and sisters, a scene that always brought bittersweet tears to Octavia's eyes.

She always replaced the book on the shelf, and she knew she would read it again on a different world in a different time and even now, whenever she enters a library she looks for her favorite book, a book which was dedicated to the author's "True and only love, the mother of my children, Façade Incognito."

Gaspode and Me

by

Porter de la Montesquieu

When she met Nick, she had just re-read the book and the thought of Gaspode and Me was forefront in her mind. When she needed a pseudonym to start taking classes at the Unseen University, she chose the name of a woman so loved that someone dedicated a book to her - Façade Incognito. However, when she asked a laborer who was hauling bricks away what his name was, and he said "Pommeraie de la Montesquieu" she was sure that he was using the author's name as his own pseudonym. But he couldn't read and Gaspode and Me was written in the future, she had to use L-Space to travel forward in time to find that book, there's no way he would have heard of it.

When Nick discovered she was using a false name in school, he insisted that he wanted one too, so she named him Porter Strongback because he wanted to carry everything she owned in a backpack for her as they traveled and she wasn't thinking of the author of the book consciously. However, it turns out that a young female wizard with an emotional crush on the first man that treated her kindly, unintentionally created a paradox in the time|space continuum. {It's not the first paradox in the time|space continuum, and it won't be the last, but as paradoxes go, it's one of the nicer ones}

Octavia gave herself and the young man pseudonyms taken from a book that he will write years in the future, there was no way he would have known of those names before he wrote them because he was completely illiterate at the time they met. {You know, when you read it like that, it doesn't sound so confusing}

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"What does the book say?" repeated Nana Partridge as she disappeared.

There's a small hidey hole underneath Nana's rocking chair that contains interesting possessions that Nana had accumulated and wanted to store {The hidey hole is part of the chair, not part of the cottage. No matter where you place the rocking chair, the hidey hole is there in the floor between the runners.} Nick also started accumulating items in the hidey hole also. One was a small round rock that Nick claimed that Gula gave him and said it was an egg.

Octavia held that book tight to her chest for three days and she never opened it because she was terrified that the pages would be blank, or worse, she would find that it's the boy who dies, not the dog. Eventually she hid the book in Nana's hidey hole and tried to forget about it. Driven by Nana's insistence Octavia knelt down and reached under the rocker as a new terror struck - if Nick was dead, the book would no longer exist. She lifted the cover and reached into the hole and it was there! "Thank the Gods, Thank the Gods, Thank the Gods..." she muttered over and over even though she's a quadratheist {A quadratheist only believes in four of the 37 gods in the Discworld pantheon}

Slowly she sat in Nana's rocking chair and placed the book in her lap, and the leather bound cover looked perfect. She looked in the pocket in the back of the book and pulled out the card, the last date marked was 02/15/2018 what a weird date annotation! How can you tell what year it is? Is it Animal? Vegetable? Mineral? Like this year, the Year of the Impacted Cabbage. So much easier.

She flipped back to the title page and there was the dedication, "To my true and only love, the mother of my children, Façade Incognito" There was a change! Her breath became short and she turned to the table of contents and there was a new chapter! Between Chapter 14 Mission Complete and Chapter 16 Our Little Man was Chapter 15, a Royal Reunion!

"He's coming back," she muttered over and over, and she frantically cleaned up the cabin. People had tried feeding her, but she rebuffed most efforts, now she was starving and she gnawed on the heel of a stale loaf of bread while she cleaned up plates and other dishes. She piled them in the sink and pumped water over the dishes then pointed her finger at the sink and - still nothing. She needs her fire back! She plopped down in a chair and started to pull her boots on. "GASPODE!" she yelled, "LET'S GO FOR A RUN!"

Upstairs Gaspode hung his head over the side of the bed and groaned, "I'm not going anywhere."

"Ok, you stay here and protect the cottage, I'll be back eventually."

"Protect?" He's a watch dog, his job is to watch something not protect anything. This is Bear Mountain, there's got to be bears. "Be right wit 'cha!" and he dove off the bed and followed Octavia out the door and down Nana's driveway to the bookstore.

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After the fisherman who found the intruder was thanked by the emperor of the Agatean Empire {actually the emperor of the Agatean Empire is a seven-year-old boy who was too absorbed in a toy drum to be concerned with a mere mortal simpering at his throne. The Prime Minister thanked the fisherman and gave him an Agatean gold coin and was led away by a guard who then executed him for the sin of addressing the emperor while dressed in his work clothes. However, his body was not thrown to the dogs, there's a famine in the empire and it's a sin to waste meat} Once the fisherman was led away the Prime Minister turned to the naked, one eyed prisoner whose only speck of clothing was a silver key worn on a ribbon around his neck. "Why did you invade the Agatean Empire sir spy?" He demanded this in a loud voice which echoed throughout the palace.

"A spy?" asked the child emperor without looking up. "So boring... can we eviscerate this one?"

"I'm not a spy," said Nick. "I'm a dragon."

"You don't look like a dragon," said the Prime Minister as he twirled his long, luxurious mustache.

Suddenly the throne room was filled with a huge golden dragon {accompanied by the sound of breaking chains and the shrieks of crushed guards} The dragon snarled and glared at the Prime Minister who was frozen in mid-twirl. "Ok, yeah. You're a dragon," he said in a tiny voice. "How can the humble Agatean Empire serve such a noble dragon as yourself?" asked the trembling Prime Minister.

"Lead me to your largest library."

"As you wish!" with tiny mincing steps the Prime minister led the dragon across the cricket pitch size throne room to a large golden curtain. With a wave of the Prime Ministers fan, a pair of guards opened the curtain.

"Where is it?" demanded the dragon.

"Ummm" with his folded fan the terrified Prime Minister pointed to a small bookshelf that held some coloring books and a box of crayons.

"DO NOT TRIFLE WITH ME!" roared the dragon.

"That is it!" shrieked the Prime Minister, "That is all that remains! His majesty grew tired of his reading lessons so he ordered all books burned."

"AND YOU BURNED THEM ALL AT THE DIRECTION OF A CHILD???"

"Now that you put it that way..."

"You tire me," groaned the dragon, "Give me one reason why I shouldn't bite you in half and then urinate on your corpse."

"We can fix that eye problem of yours..."

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In the bookstore Octavia fumbled for a match and finally lit the candle on Nick's desk and the ghost of Besingger Floyd, T.R.W.O.V.R. {The Revered Wizards of Various Realms} appeared and as usual he appeared sleepy. Octavia opened the desk drawer and saw that it was empty. "Where is Nick's key?"

"It's on a lanyard around his neck, like always."

Octavia looked into the empty desk drawer and hope began to surface. "Is he alive?

"I don't know, I would assume so because the key is not back here."

With a dry mouth Octavia asked, "is he moving? Is he coming home?"

"I believe he is, yes."

She went to the in box where Bruce had left several hundred sheets of velum, all in need of enchantment. Grabbing the velum she said, "We're going to need these," then whirling on Besingger Floyd she demanded, "I need my magic back. Nana said you took it from me."

"I did not take anything from you," said Besingger Floyd haughtily. "I simplyturned it off."

"I need it back."

"I strongly advise against magic when you are in such a..." he cleared his throat then said... "delicate state."

Still not thinking clearly, she thought that he meant that she was still in mourning. "I need my fire back," she said holding up a finger. "We are out of matches and it's cold at night."

"I can do that," sighed the shade. Simple flame powers shouldn't hurt, should it? There has never been a pregnant wizard before, so there's no telling what a strong magical field would do to a developing infant in the womb.

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The Omnian Voyager was neither Omnian {as it was sailing the flag of the kingdom of Klatch} nor was it Voyaging {unless in some universe "Voyaging" also includes "sinking"}. The majority of the crew was either bailing water from the flooded cargo hold or patching holes in the hull while the old scow rolled at anchor. The portion of the crew that wasn't patching or bailing was in the rigging desperately trying to furl the sails before the storm hits and blows them into the Agatean coast where they will be hunted down and killed by Tang mercenaries, or worse, be blown off the edge of the disc.

"Ahoy!" called a voice from the dark.

"We're a little busy right now, we don't have the hands to rescue our own who go overboard let alone a stranger," replied an overworked sailor.

"I know, I saw that. At least he didn't suffer too long."

"What... what do you mean?"

"Don't worry about it, circle of life, eh? I just need to know, which way to Ankh-Morpork?" asked the voice in the dark.

"Ankh-Morpork? You don't want to go there, not at this time of the year, in the summer heat? The place smells like a rotting corpse."

"Which way is it?"

"That's on the other side of the world, five thousand miles around the Cape of Lost Hope."

"How about Four Ecks? How far is that?"

"Less than fifty miles turnwise... How blows the storm?" asked the sailor.

"Wellllll, I got good news and I got bad news for you,"

"What's the good news?"

"When your rusted anchor chain snaps you won't go over the side of the rim!" called the voice from the dark trying to sound enthusiastic.

"That's good, what's the bad news?"

"There's a famine in the Agatean Empire, you'll probably end up served as the blue plate specials." There was a splash and the sailor saw the flip of a dolphoon tail and whoever was in the water was gone.

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"You seem to be in a good mood today," said Aelwen McLeish as she sat on the porch with Octavia Aelwen came hearing that there was a witch in Creel Springs but unfortunately, he was out.

"I am in a good mood, Nick will be home soon, just in time for little Ceiriog or Ceredwyn," said Octavia as she gently patted Aelwen's huge tummy. "Maybe even today!"

"Ian and I will be happy when we get a proper witch again. We like Nana Partridge, but being a ghost makes childbirth a wee bit difficult. I'm afraid she'll drop the baby."

"And you're ok with Nick being a male witch?"

Aelwen McLeish reached out and took Octavia's hand and placed it on her tummy so Octavia could feel the baby kicking. "You will be feeling this come Hogswatch Eve, do you think you're going to care if your midwife is human, dwarf, elf, man, or woman more than if they're qualified?"

"How do you know Nick is qualified, and what makes you think I'm pregnant?"

Aelwen patted Octavia's hand while her baby kicked at Octavia's hand from within. "Ceredwyn knows."

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Bruce Dinkum, head librarian at Bugarup University, finished checking in a few more books that a couple of beery freshmen dropped off as the screaming outside started. "Ahhh, there's me mate!" said Bruce as he reached under the counter for a long necker.

"Too right!" yelled a drunk in the corner.

"Hell yeah!" yelled another as terrified crowds of people ran screaming past the windows.

Just then the front door burst open and a camel ducked through the door frame and started to walk through the library. All of the faculty and students present jumped up and shouted, "NICK!"

The camel looked shocked then it suddenly shrank and became a well-built but short man. Bruce put a beer on the bar in front of Nick and cried. "G'day mate!"

"G'day Bruce... blokes," and Nick raised his beer to the blokes in the back. He took a long, deep drink and placed the empty bottle on the bar. "How did you know that was me?"

"We had a report from a surfie that a dolphoon swam ashore, turned into a man, looked around, turned into an eagle and circled around for a while then took off heading this way. We figured you would be showing up soon. Didn't realize you be in the nuddy with your donger hangin' out."

"I have my house key, that's all I need," said Nick as he showed off his master key, still hanging from his neck on a ribbon. Then with a wink of his new eye he shrank below the edge of the bar and a coyote dashed into the library's aisles of books.

"I'll swing by with some prawn this weekend!" called Bruce.

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A carriage pulled by a pair of mules came up Nana's driveway. It wasn't very fancy, not for a queen, in fact it was a delivery wagon with a second row of seating for royalty, but this was Lancre, and when the carriage isn't carrying the queen around, it's hauling bales of hay and sacks of feed for the Lancre Farmers Union supply store. That's because the carriage isn't owned by the government, but the owners, the Farmers Union supply store will loan it to King Verence II, Queen Magrat, and her daughter Crown Princess Esmerelda Margaret Note Spelling on occasion if there are no deliveries scheduled for that day.

Escorted by a pair of palace guards in ancient, ill-fitting armor riding ancient ill-tempered horses, the carriage pulled up to the front porch of Nick and Octavia's cottage. Octavia and Aelwen were enjoying the summer morning, the sun was up and it was going to be hot. Already the sun and the humidity rising off the forests were becoming a fragrant haze that hung in the air. Cicadas started to buzz as bull frogs in the pond belched and growled.

Octavia was shocked to see the queen of Lancre pull up to her house, but Aelwen smiled and called out "Good morning your majesty."

Octavia struggled to get up but Queen Magrat waved her hand and said "Sit! It's a lovely morning to enjoy the view."

"Come try this elixir your majesty!" cried Aelwen. "It's a draft made of bitter fruit and honey and is perfect for summer days."

"Then I must try," smiled the queen. Once a witch herself she is a strong believer in cures through natural products and fruit and honey sound like a perfect creation to her.

Star struck that the queen would come to see her, Octavia poured the queen, the crown princess and one of the guards a glass of her curative which Nana called Lemon Aid. "This is delicious, and why are you so nervous?" asked Magrat.

"I... it's just... queens don't..." Octavia stumbled and fumbled which she finally ended with an out of practice curtsey.

"My mother does," said Princess Esme.

"Oh! My gift!" said the Queen. "Dequator, could you bring my gift for our new wizard?"

"Yes ma'am," said the carriage driver and he stepped down, went around to the back end of the wagon and came back around with a baby goat in his arms. A baby goat was Queen Magrat's traditional gift to a couple expecting their first child.

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A coyote dashed out of the ranks of shelves in Nick and Octavia's bookstore, which in the mountain villages of Lancre wouldn't be a surprise, but the fact that it knew how to navigate the book lined canyons was a bit unusual even for Lancre, and it was able to unlock the door with the key around its neck was very unusual. The coyote stepped outside and changed into a man who locked up the store then stood, hands on hips and took a deep breath of fresh mountain air.

"Gods how I love this place," he said, followed with "Good morning Mrs. d'Mahrk!"

"Good morning Nick, you better hurry, Hamlette and I saw the queen's carriage head up your driveway not a half hour ago."

"Thank you ma'am," called Nick and he sprinted up Main Street. As he ran he suddenly became an eagle who flew up the tree covered street. When he neared an opening in the branches, Nick flew up through the gap and strained for altitude once he cleared the trees. His next trick should impress the queen.

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"That is a darling gargoyle," said Crown Princess Esmerelda Margaret Note Spelling. "You don't often see a gargoyle on a thatch roof cottage. Did you bring it from Ankh-Morpork? Our castle would look brilliant with an entire series of gargoyles."

"That's Gula, she's not an ornament, she's our friend," said Octavia. "She joined our happy little group the week Nick and I first met.

"I had been meaning to ask," said Esme, "your husband has such a delightful name, Pommeraie de la Montesquieu, it simply rrrrolls off the tongue, why do you call him Nick?"

Before Octavia could answer they were startled by Gula. "IIIIIIIIK!" Gula shrieked in joy and she fell horizontally from the porch all the way over to the waterfall that feeds the pond. Gula seated herself at the top of the waterfall then leaned her head back in salute and water fountained out of her mouth {filtered free of minnows, crayfish, and tadpoles} high into the air. Her fountain sparkled in the sunlight and cast a large eight colored rainbow that glittered brightly in the clean Lancre air.

"Oh, how beautiful!" the queen laughed and clapped her hands but Octavia wasn't paying attention to that, she stepped off the porch and was looking up into the sky where an object far up was turning lazy figure eights in the sky... the sign of perfection, which describes his love for her... the sign of infinity... the length of time that Nick said he would love her...

As the object came lower they could see that it was a bird, but it was huge! It had a black and gray body that was massive, like a huge oblong ruggers ball that the Four Eckians love to fight over. It had a long neck with a big heavy head armed with a sharp beak that was filled with even sharper teeth. Its legs were tucked into the body, which was amazing considering how long they are, and the tail trailed behind. Occasionally the tail would open to help slow down its flight, or maybe he was just showing off, but it was brightly colored and decorated with dozens of red, white, and blue roundels. The most impressive part was the wings, they were incredibly huge, the overall wingspan had to exceed 25 feet from tip feather to tip feather.

"It's a rok," gasped Octavia in awe. Three times bigger than the emu, the rok is fully capable of flight and only found in the far outback of the four ecks bush country.

With a roar the bird recognized Octavia as she stepped off the porch and walked out into the open and waved up at the bird. It tipped sideways in the sky and performed two very tight circles over Octavia losing altitude, then it leveled out and shot out over the pond. It then turned 180 degrees and came back, wings spread, tail wide and folded down shedding speed as it flew straight at Octavia only inches off the surface of the pond. Gaspode danced excitedly on the shore shouting, "Bark! Bark! Bark!"

Octavia walked out into the pond, a huge smile covering her face as the massive bird slowly approached, it was hard to believe it could still fly with such slow air speed! She walked out into the pond waist deep and held her hands wide open. Finally, the bird pulled straight up which brought it to a stop just above Octavia, then it fell from the sky and as it dropped it shrank and became Nick as he slid into the pond and took Octavia into his arms.

Queen Magrat and her daughter, along with Aelwen sighed as husband and wife reunited waist deep in their own pond, kissing like it was the first day of their honeymoon and no one was watching.

They pulled apart and looked at each other's smile then gasped, "Your eye!" Nick's new eye was solid gold but it could see so much more than ever before. He just grinned in response and began to kiss and gently gnaw at her neck.

"That was amazing!" gasped Princess Esme, still shocked and delighted at Nick's arrival.

"I wonder if we can convince him to perform that trick at our emerald anniversary," muttered Queen Magrat. Next year will be the twentieth wedding anniversary of King Verence and witch Magrat Garlick.

"I don't think we would what him to do that," said Princess Esme as all three women's heads pitched to one side and their eyebrows raised as Nick's hands boldly explored Octavia's body.

"That is a favorite at my house," said Aelwen. As Octavia struggled out of her wet dress and the couple eased down into the soft grass Aelwen cleared her throat and said, "is there any chance I could get a ride home from you yer majesty?"

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Epilogue

Seasons came and went and Nick and Octavia's first winter in the mountains was a real learning experience, and as their family grew, Stein cottage grew with it. Every now and then Nick would tell Octavia that she was expecting and she wouldn't believe him until the cottage grew, which it always did. In fact, that's how the Stein kids knew they were getting a new baby brother or baby sister. Maybe a room would be added, maybe more storage, but the house knew what the family needed.

"Did the cottage expand for you also?" Nick asked Nana Partridge one cold autumn evening.

"Yes it did," smiled Nana who famously had nine children. "However, it retracts back into itself as the children leave... it's always sad to lose a room," the ghost sniffed. "It was a one room cottage for many years after I died, but it started expanding one day and I knew you were coming."

The bookstore became a center for book learning and book writing and occasionally Nicks refuge from family, pregnant farm girls, and sick farm animals. {But they always knew where to find him} Such is the life of a country witch. But a country witch has their limits, they can only heal so much, there is no cure for old age and Gaspode had a terminal case. He helped the Stein kids grow as much as he could, but in the end even a wonder dog meets his end. His last months were spent being cared for by the children of the first child he ever loved. He had a big pillow in front of a fire and all the blankets he could want. The children brought him water and all the snacks and treats a dog could want including the occasional cat nugget from the litterbox.

Nick would sit with Gaspode every chance he could and he read Gaspode the stories of the discworld that he got from friends, friends of friends, and Gaspode himself. "I'm going to sell them someday and you and I are going to be famous."

"Right," groaned Gaspode after hearing the story of the very first tourist on the discworld. "Who is going to believe in a wizard named Rincewind?"

"It could happen," insisted Nick.

When Death came for Gaspode, the wonder dog was surrounded by the entire family, all five children, Nick, and Octavia. They sat around Gaspode's bed as he panted, not saying goodbye, but saying thank you. Each child recited their favorite Gaspode story and when they were finished a figure in black shrouds carrying a scythe appeared behind the twins Llywellyn and Llewela. If they saw Death they didn't mention it, but Marlon the oldest and Hollie his sister saw death and gasped.

"Please," begged Nick, "he's in so much pain and I can't help him."

"SOMETIMES I AM WELCOME," said Death as the image of Gaspode, young and sassy jumped around death's ankles.

"He's a great companion if you need a friend," said Octavia as she held a weeping Hollie.

"I CAN SEE THAT," chuckled Death as he sliced the line of octarine light between Gaspode and his spent body. "COME ON BOY, LET'S GO... WALKIES!"

As they walked beyond the veil, Death and his dog, the grieving family could hear Gaspode saying, "Oh boy, walkies! Did I ever tell you about the time that I went for walkies through the University kitchen?"

With the loss of his best friend in the world, Nick locked himself into the bookstore and wrote down his feelings about it until his heart stopped aching. He let Octavia read it then he locked the manuscript away and never looked at it again. Nick was still sad, but he was glad to get the pain off his chest.

One mountain winter night where the wind howled and the snow fell a foot an hour and the children gathered around mom and dad for entertainment and warmth, Nick turned to Octavia with an important question. She was nursing their youngest child, a wiry haired little girl who reacted to the name Gaspode with her first fart. Nick was just kidding when he offered Gaspode as a possible name, and the moment he did she released a little beep of methane and coo'd happily. To the world her name was Gwendolyn but to her family, Gaspode was her name.

They had all the children in bed with them, the twins, Llywellyn {Lou} and Llewela {Loo Loo}, Marlon their oldest, Hollie then next in line, Dhani the runt of the litter, and now their baby sister Gaspode. "Honey?" asked Nick as he read a picture book to Hollie and Llewela.

"Yes?"

"This is a wizard question, so you're best for it... whenever we have a child, the house grows to provide room for the additions to our family...."

"Yes?" asked Octavia. She was getting upset with Gwendolyn, she wasn't nursing, she was just playing and Octavia has Nick to do that for her. "So, what is your question?"

"If the whole house can expand around this family, why can't we get the bed to do that too?"

"Ha-ha!" laughed Llywellyn from somewhere under the quilt as he tickled Dhani. Nick was mostly kidding, he loved every moment of life with his family, yes he misses Gaspode, but Gula is still with them, she and her six daughters. {Every now and then a round rock would turn up and it would sit on a shelf or in a forgotten box until Octavia had a child and the rock would crack open and there would be a tiny gargoyle}

Octavia looked at Nick and said, "Would you mind greatly if I took your memoirs about Gaspode to a publisher?"

It wasn't a bad idea; money was a bit tight and Hogswatch Night is only a month away. "Who is going to publish it? And why? Only the ultra-rich are going to read it, they're the only ones with the money for a book about a dog." Printing on the discworld is still incredibly expensive and only the richest have the money and time for leisure reading.

"Maybe here but not on a..." and she mouthed, "Round World."

Yes, Nick did think about publishing his book, but he was thinking about doing it locally. There was a little printing shop in Lancre Town named Gute Tinte who could handle maybe five hundred copies, but the cost would be incredible. On a round world where the market is huge, they could not only print five hundred copies, but sell them also! "Give me a day or two to think about it?"

"Take all the time you need."

The next day the storm continued without letup as mountain storms normally do. Luckily, he didn't have any pregnant girls in Tallywiffle County expecting anytime soon, but he's going to be busy in nine months. Snowstorms have a way of generating babies. Queen Magrat was right, the women of Lancre didn't care if their witch was man or woman, human or dwarf, just as long as they were honest and competent.

He put on his warmest coat and mukluks, strapped a pair of snowshoes to his feet, kissed all of his babies goodbye, from Octavia to gassy little Gwendolyn and headed to the bookstore. When he got to Main Street, he met the boys who gathered around Trei's furnace as the blacksmith made horseshoes for Allyn the Ferrier. Allyn had plans to go out and re-shoe a few horses as soon as the storm lets up. Kevyn Haven the miller looked up and noticed that Nick had joined the group. "Duke Wægn! How is life in the nebulous realms of royal society, yer grace?"

Nick chuckled every time someone calls him Duke of Wægn, a Wægn is a cart or a wagon and that's how he transports his children when he comes down to the village center so the title is fitting, however Wægn is pronounced Wayne. {and for some reason he liked being called Duke Wayne, it just sounds so right.} As "the boys" chuckled over their royal neighbors growing brood, Trei asked "What brings you down off the mountain in this weather your grace?"

Trei wasn't poking fun at Nick, Trei said it with respect. Trei was there when the king named him Duke of Wægn, which is the entire hubward quarter of the kingdom of Lancre. It's a title that Nick takes seriously, and taking care of problems that he can fix takes a lot of weight off the king's shoulders. Up until the time that the last Duke of Wægn had his head separated from his body, he did nothing except collect taxes. Under Nick the tax burden plunged because he only collected what the people actually owed. "I'm just thinking about my dog."

"That smelly ol' wire haired terrier?" asked Merle Rorie a farmer turnwise of the village. "He was a great dog but he could be kind of ripe, if you know what I mean."

"He was a good dog," said Kevyn. "It was almost like he could talk."

"That's what he would tell me," sighed Nick.

The boys chatted on and on about things that were important, the price of corn, Merle's prize ox team, that new suitor that was sniffing around Crown Princess Esmerelda Margaret Check Spelling. Ever since her husband, Prince Cuthbert, died of pneumonia, the palace has been a sad place to be.

"I'm going to grab a manuscript and head back, stay warm you guys," and after a round of good natured ribbing Nick walked over to the bookstore and noticed something hiding behind a rock back behind the store. He walked back to the rocks and there hiding from the wind was a tiny young wolf pup. He was a beautiful Lancre Wolf, a breed of small wolves that live in the Ramtop Mountains in and around the small kingdom of Lancre. Here at the base of Bear Mountain, Lancre Wolves were a common guest in the trash bin of most folks in Creel Springs but they stayed away from the chickens and cleared the rats out of the barns, so they were a part of life in the area. This little wolf had a silky coat, and he was freezing, the poor pup was shivering so hard that his head was shaking, and he was tiny even for a Lancre Wolfe. Nick scooped him up and he didn't fight or try to run, he just shivered and looked at Nick with those big brown eyes that looked so much like Gaspode's eyes and there was no way that Nick could put the pup back down.

"Come on mate!" said Nick gently as he carried the pup into the store with him. "I don't have a fire going in the stove here, but the cottage is nice and warm and there's some young folks who miss having a dog around." Nick found the manuscript and tied it up in oilskin and carried it and the wolf pup outside with him. He looked into the wolves eyes and there was a glint of comprehension. "Gosh, you remind me of Gaspode. Maybe my doggie had a date with your momma?" He was hoping to see a glint of recognition from the cub when he said that, but the little wolf just started shivering again. "Just wishful thinking on my part."

Nick strapped the snowshoes back on and tucked the little wolf into his jacket where it would be warm and he headed back up Nana's Driveway to his family. He talked about his friend Gaspode the entire trip and when they got to the cabin the wind had stopped but the snow was still coming down. Inside the cottage Octavia had the children singing Hogswatch carols, not the modern carols that are about nothing but presents and food, but the old ones about family and joy, the beautiful ones that he used to hear coming from the Temple of the Lost Gods back in his childhood. That temple used to sit next to the fire brigade, but the alchemists blew up the temple too.

"They're singing for us," said Nick as he mounted the steps and hung his snowshoes on the porch before kicking the snow off his mukluks and entering the cottage.

The kids had the young wolf fed, watered, brushed, hugged, kissed and named Remy before Nick could get his muckluks off and his coat hung up.

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After a long hard winter, the summer was glorious. One day the temperature was so high that Trei shut down his forge, it was too hot for him to work, and when a blacksmith complains about the heat, it's hot. Nick was watching the children and they ended up swimming in the pond. Several neighbors came over and a few Bruces from Four Echs stopped by with some steaks and a box of prawn to grill. Cooking would commence when Octavia got back from Ankh-Morpork, but she was running a little late because she stopped to talk to a publisher and was delighted to see that Nick's manuscript was published and it was flying off the shelves.

By the time she reached their home Octavia was sweating fiercely and all she wanted to do was drop her clothing and fall face first in the pond, but the cries of "Watch me!" and "Watch me grandma!" let her know that there were visitors. Shrieks of childish laughter rang through the forest and the sound of splashing reached her ears - those poor bass! She stepped out of the forest and became a witness to a pond full of joyful mayhem. Princess Esmerelda Margaret Check Spelling sat on a wooden bench that was in the shallow end of the pond with her mother Queen Magrat watching the royal children play with the duke and court wizard's children. Gula was in the pond at the outflow stream spraying any child that yelled "Spray me!" while Gula's children were stationed around the pond and on the waterfall squirting and spraying randomly.

One of Gula's children sat at the edge of the pond spraying water into the mouth of Remy, the wolf pup that Nick rescued. Both the young wolf and the young gargoyle enjoyed their game tremendously.

"Your highness, if you would indulge me..." started Octavia.

"What would you like?" said Princess Esmerelda Margaret Check Spelling as she laughed at the diving and splashing of children. Queen Magrat Garlick had Nick and Octavia's youngest child, Gwendolyn, on her lap.

"Where is my husband?"

Queen Magrat and Princess Esme pointed at the far end of the pond where three children were moving through the water sitting up, closer inspection revealed that they were riding on the back of a river porpoise. Octavia stepped into the pond and slapped the surface of the water five times and the porpoise turned and started swimming toward Octavia. "You have your husband well trained," remarked Queen Magrat.

After a marvelous dinner on the lawn, when the guests had gone, the children were in bed, and the bonfire burned down to a pile of red coals, Nick sat on a chair on the porch under a lamp reading a book that Queen Magrat wrote on holistic healing using crystal power and herbology to enhance the body's ability to heal itself. One of the main problems with this book was that the queen spells as well as whoever filled out her birth certificate. Remy sat next to Nick and happily panted as Nick petted and scratched behind his ears like he did with Gaspode.

Octavia came and sat down on his lap and said in a singsong voice, "I've got a surprise for you!"

"You have a blanket and we're going down to the root cellar and make love in the cool, cool dark?"

"Mmmm, good suggestion, we may end up there, but look at this first," and she handed him a book wrapped in brown paper. He unwrapped the book and it was his! The gold embossed leather cover proudly declared, "Gaspode and Me" by Porter de la Montesquieu, and dedicated to "My True and only love, the mother of my children, Façade Incognito."

Octavia gave him a kiss, "Congratulations! You're a published author!"

"In a different universe," he sighed.

"It's a start! Baby steps!" she said with a smile. "We'll figure out how to convert their ceramic coins into Agatean gold later." The Agatean empire is corrupt and always three steps from collapse, but they have a lot of gold and will part with it willingly if you figure out how to ask nicely. They also overpay for all kinds of trinkets.

"Now I have to make a confession," she said nervously.

"What is that?" Nick asked. For some reason Remy's ears pricked up when she said confession.

Octavia placed another wrapped book in his hands and waited nervously as Nick unwrapped it. "It's the same..." he looked again, it was Gaspode and Me but it was an old book, tenth edition, the leather cover had signs of use, much use, it was definitely a well-loved book. Nick flipped through the book and found years and years of wear, and in the back on the end paper was an envelope with a card in it, the last date read 02/15/2018. "What a strange date format."

"I said the same thing," said Octavia. Then she sighed and said, "I read this book when I was twelve, and loved it more than any other book so when I traveled back in time to deal with the planet eater I used Façade Incognito as a pseudonym because the author of my favorite book was so in love with her. When you told me your true name I was shocked that it was so close to the author's name Porter de la Montesquieu that I thought it was fate that we met. When you asked for a pseudonym I gave you Porter Strongback because of the book, I didn't realize that I created a time paradox.

Then the light shined on Nick. "This is what you were checking on constantly!"

Octavia nodded, "whenever we moved through L-Space I checked it and there was a change every time I looked. I was so terrified I'd find an entry that said your widow finished the book, or you found someone who didn't endanger your life constantly."

Nick was smiling and nodding. He grinned and said, "then you decided to check it out and keep it as long as you want so you can move through time in L-Space and return it with time to spare. Very crafty!" He gave her a kiss and she frowned. "What's the matter?"

"I didn't check it out and I didn't intend to return it."

Nick whooped with laughter and Remy bounced up and put his paws on Nick's leg, the happy grin on his face gave Nick the impression that he found it funny also.

"I thought you were dead! This was my only link to you, but I was terrified to open it, I thought that all the pages would be blank because you died before you could write it... I was terrified!"

"Then what happened? You say you were terrified I had died, but when I got back it's like you were waiting for me."

"I was waiting for you. Nana finally convinced me to open the book and I saw a chapter was added, the reunion chapter. I was all alone trying to figure out what to wear but then Queen Magrat and Princess Esme showed up and then you arrived. Poor Gaspode, he was so sad." At the sound of Gaspode's name Remy perked up.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know how to tell you I was OK," said Nick.

"You should write more," said Octavia. "People in the other universes love the discworld."

"I don't have any stories to tell, nothing much happens here."

"Stop!" said Octavia as she got up from his lap. "I'm going to get us some wine," and she picked up the old library book from his lap, "and I will return this tomorrow, now that I have an autographed first edition," and she disappeared in the cottage.

Nick held the print version of his book on his lap and sighed happily, a published author... in a different universe. How many writers and book nerds can claim that? As Octavia returned with the wine, Remy started nudging Nicks arm with his nose. "What's the matter boy? What do you want?"

Remy looked Nick in the eye, his tail wagging and his ears alert, then the little wolf said, "Read it to me."

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